Speak Out: Would You Date Someone Who’s in the Closet?
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Would you? I guess my answer to that is: it depends. Is that what we both want? If, at that moment the answer is yes, then sure. I think it’s the thing we do when we’re 20 anyway so even if he was closeted and I was out, I’d be willing to compromise. At 40 on the other hand, it will be different because as we get older, what we want and what we need changes so at that point in my life, my answer would be a definite no.
Because for one, I don’t want to force him out of the closet, I don’t want to do that but it will be an issue eventually maybe two or four years into the relationship. Being in the closet alone, it is dark and lonely but what if, once he comes out he becomes even lonelier. It’s something that he’s got to be ready for. Secondly, it’s because I can’t live with all the drama that comes with dating someone in secret.
Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t about being able to change my relationship status in Facebook from single to in a relationship or, yeah, married even. Or being able to kiss, or hug, or hold hands in public because I’m not much of a PDA person in the first place.
It’s about being able to create happy, precious memories with him. Being able to spend time with him and go to places like the beach or watch a movie in a theater or eat in public without him being jumpy or freaking out on me. Without him being afraid about the possibility of being seen with me by his friends or family members and vice versa. Being able to take photos of us not because I want to post it in Instagram but because photos hold the beauty or memory of the moment. Also because eventually, I would want us to get more serious: I would want to be by his side whenever he’s sick, I would want to be his date to his family or corporate gatherings and him to mine, and most of all I would want us to live together. These things we can’t do when we are in the closet, or if he is. But that’s me.
What about you, guys? Would you ever date someone who is in the closet? Why or why not? Maybe you already dated someone who’s closeted? How did that go for you two? Share with us your thoughts and stories in the comments section below.
Of course. Being “out” is 100% a political thing. I’m sick to death of gays being judgmental for gay men not being “out” or if they are out they aren’t “openly gay” enough for the gay Gestapo. Gay men are among the most bigoted and intolerant people on the planet with their judgmental attitudes, YET they are deeply offended when anyone dishes their crap back to them. I’m out but I do not affiliate with the intolerant bigotry of Alt-Left gays. This post is just inviting a stream of vicious, hateful, judgmental bigotry toward men who see no need to be “out” but who like sex with men.
Read the article again. this is about if you want to date an out or closeted guy, and the article is only stating his opinions. And to be honest, if you’re expecting a committed relationship, and the love is so good and pure, why hide it? Do straight people have to hide it? They talk all day about it.
Matt, I couldn’t agree with you more! It’s amazing how some guys do not and will not date any “closet men”, as if some of them were never in the closet before.
Amen! Judgement is taboo in the gay community when discussing issues of sex, labels for orientation nuances, relationships, and social constructs….But talk about diversity in political views, religion, or degrees openness in expressing individual identity and intolerance for divergent opinions is quick and fierce. The Gay Thought Police are everywhere….
If to each his own is okay for you, then why not also for those who say, ” It’s nobody else’s business….and maybe about as significant in my life as being right handed, “?
All you have to do is read the post below yours and know you where right.
I will never understand why you have to be so judgemental because men don’t think the way they do. I am out and have no problem with people knowing it. However, you will never see me marching in a parade or waving a flag. What happens in the bedroom is no ones business.
Date? No. Fuck? Maybe. It’s hard to trust someone who is not honest about and to themselves. As a clinical psychologist who worked in two of the largest ( San Francisco & NYC ) gay communities in the United States I can unequivocally say that getting yourself in that situation is nothing but a recipe for disaster.
Regardless of age, anyone in the closet has a life based on deception. That shouldn’t be acceptable. If more gays refused on principle to have sex with these guys (who are nothing more than cowards and parasites) perhaps these closeted guys would think again. As it is, they have the best of both worlds, enabled by gay men who don’t have enough self esteem to just say…………..fuck off!
In life, people never jump head first into anything.
When I started playing golf, I didn’t run out and buy every piece of equipment. I learned the game and gradually opened myself up to it.
When I used to date women, I wouldn’t let anyone know till i knew she was special. The same goes for men.
If you have had such terrible experiences with closeted men. Then maybe you were the problem.
I didn’t come out, until i had a solid reason to. I wanted a stable, caring, fun partner to introduce to the family and friends. That is getting harder and harder to find in the ever sinking gay community. To be gau seems to be one part passion, one part sexual, and a whole lot of narcissism, intolerance to everything that is not your definition of gay, and selfish.
Reading your post, I see you are most of the bad qualities. So maybe you have never been the reason for any anyone to come out, and its painfully obvious why.
The gay community is one of the biggest hate groups on the planet. This is why I do not associate with the gay community at all, which drives my partner crazy as he loves pride events, gau bars, and all that jazz. But I’m out, I just don’t play by this highly intollerant comment communities rules. Which he respects. As he says, I’m not a steryotypical gay. I’m just me.
Most likely not unless they plan to come out soon. I’m over being a dirty little secret.
No. Tried it, didn’t work
Been there. Done that. Next question
Yes!
Date? Nah. Fuck? A few times a month.
Would I? Not anymore. I used to but every time it just got too complicated. I came out late (29) and it was liberating. Into my 40’s I found myself still dealing with closeted guys and I just couldn’t deal anymore. So, if closeted I had to say “No, thank you” and move on. I respect them and their decision, but for me I just don’t need or want the drama.
Sure i would. I would prefer someone like that instead of some real flamer outgoing and obvious type.
Aren’t you stereotyping much? Why are you using the same language ignorant homophobes use all the time? Homophobes hate you even if you’re ‘masc’.
Amen! Sing it from the highest mountain! The flamboyant rainbow social justice warrior is too narcissistic to have sex with.
Boumba,
You conveniently left out all the other men who are out-of-the-armoire and are NOT “some real flamer outgoing and obvious types”. You should go back to your dark armoire and stay there.
Keep in mind that the bear is busy tracking the second monkey after getting the first one.
I dont read as much into it as you did….If he was young and decent type individual, yes I would have a night out with him. Enjoy the moment cause it aint gonna last!
You’re right. Being in the closet is a dark and lonely place. I know this firsthand since, earlier this year, I gradually started to reveal my sex preference to a few close friends who I know are open-minded and supportive of the community. I’m in my 40’s and the majority of my family look down on the community in one way or the other. It’s easy for people to say “it’s their problem, not yours – so just come out and be in a pride parade and stuff” (yes, that happened). The reality is that, my family and some friends would abandon me in a heartbeat. So that new level of loneliness would kill me (and you can read into that however you want). Even though I have accepted my reality, I have realized – over the past 10 years or so that I have been on this site – that a good chunk of the community is very judgey and flaky. I have yet to find someone who wants to at least be my friend and be there for me while I work through this situation. All I keep hearing is: “I want you to to fuck me and that’s all.” I understand that this site and others are primarily for hooking up – however, I don’t go to clubs these days since, just like A4A and other places, most guys expect you to be out – and only want a hookup. It’s a quandary. It’s great that many guys here are out and don’t give a damn about what anyone thinks. That’s fine. But a lot of us aren’t there yet. For me, it would be nice if I could find a guy who has been down my path and that he is patient.
Wow. A kind and decent essay and one that I can fully understand.
So moving and so true. I’m with you.
This is very true. I can relate to that, just know that you are now the only one and as many guys that are out and proud there are also many who are feeling like you do.
I have and continue to do so. He is not out to family, co-workers, friends etc. I understand his reasons and respect them fully. We both know there is no live in future … and accept those terms. Great guy, awesome sex and great communication as well. For over 3 years now, and never boring!
Absolutely NOT! You don’t need to advertise or have flashing gay symbols, because I sure as don’t. That’s too much. But if someone, anyone, ask you if you are gay, the absolute only answer better be “YES”. If I was dating someone and they were ashamed of who they are or who they are with, and told anyone “No, I’m not gay” or “He’s just a friend” — That would instantly end things. No expectations, no do overs. I’ve never thrown a “coming out party” or shot up fireworks saying “Hey world, I’m gay”. Was just myself. And if someone ask me, then I’d tell them “Sure I’m gay. No straight man could be as nice as me nor cook/bake as well as me”.
We’ve come too far to continue to hide or be ashamed of who we are.
I’m not out and have no desire to come out. As a black man I feel privileged that I can pass. It’s easier!!!! I’m not a coward. I just feel like it’s no one business.. I’m just being honest. In saying that I will stick to the subject and say that’s exactly what I do. I deal with guys sexually that are discreet and not out. That works well for me being that I only see masculine guy that can pass like me and no feelings are hurt just fun!!!!!
Well said from one Black man to another!
You are PRIVILEGED you can pass ?????. HUMM You are REALLY Closeted, man . Like LOG CABIN Republican … So PRIVILEGED to pass as Straight because being GAY is such a SHAME … I also “pass as straight” really well , Straight never guess I am Gay… And I have been in the situation when Straight ask about my wife or if I have children and i have the Privilege let them that not every gay person is that Sterotype of gay in their mind . I have the courage to say . Sorry No Wife or kids , I live with the same MAN for the last 25 years … Lying by omission is just as bad as just plain lying . be proud of who you are and who you love because I can tell you that most straight people in your live deserve more credit , don’t assume they are stupid ..They ALREADY KNOW you are GAY
Date him? No. Fuck? You bet.
It is a hard question. somewhat being there myself, being in the closet to most of the world with a few exceptions. I have bridged the question with my mother who doesn’t have a problem with it and one of my kids know as well. He happened to walk in on me when I was watching gay porn, and he doesn’t have a problem with it either. As a matter of fact, he has on more than one occasion tried to hook me up with someone. Another of my kids may suspect it, and we have had several discussion where the subject has been skirted.Then there are my other kids who are not aware of it. One of them i am certain will have a mental breakdown when she finds out. Another aspect is it could destroy my business completely and I will be in real trouble if my income dries up. All of this being said, I know the day will come where I will be totally out of the closet. I am hoping to find a partner and get into a LTR relationship. I know when I meet Mr Right there is only one thing to do and that is to come out, because I am not going to let this be the cause Mr Right walks away.
correct
Hmmm, THIS post is interesting, if not for the concept alone, then for the vast commentary of several here.
First, there are always the ones who claim the bigotry of the community (and it is often true that there seems to be a near facist quality to the behavior of some here), however, try not to miss the projection in the posting of:
“I can’t stand … those who can’t stand others” …
and how it wreaks of hypocrisy. Then there is the reality some have shared that A4A makes it easier for many closeted men to find all variety of relationships online, or ‘avoid strings’ as the case may be … so very telling about what we truly want to find. I personally have found that I am not concerned to share with others here, but when I was new, I did have some guys here attempt to be threatening or make it seem they would ‘out me’ – funny as I wasn’t as afraid as they made it seem THEY thought I might be (I told one guy I was ‘new at this’ and he spent the rest of the evening jumping and asking “OMG is that so and so?”… as if to say someone you know has seen you with me,’ definitely NOT endearing, but great in reality that it shut down any possibility of interest or friendship there COULD have been … seriously, who would try to do that to somebody?
Also, it is tough to meet guys here and really get interested in them, only to find they are fully engaged in familial situations … wife, kids, just in need of some ‘M2M action’. Trust me, there is a lot, and I have lost the awe of it as unique, since I now know it is not. I have several ‘friends’ here and they regularly are looking outside of their BF, GF, husband, or wife, and that is just a reality of our fast food, get it while it’s hot mentality. Even the most OUT guy I dated (out to EVERYONE) would NOT, and told me he COULD NOT, tell his mom, because she was too religious and did not want “that sickness” in her family [so she never knew about him, or his sister], aww, gotta love family values …
Maybe if he wasn’t out of the closet and didn’t want to be – maybe you shouldn’t put his name here out of respect.
No, I could never date someone in the closet ever again. Johnny and had a kind of
slow-burn relationship, seeing each other a couple times per week over
the course of about 9 months in 2013-14. Always at my flat in central Houston;he
lived with his father and a few siblings in one of the small bedroom
communities between Houston and the coast. Worked in banking for Wells Fargo. Good taste
in clothes, smart, funny, not into drinking or drugging to excess. Not a relationship
that was going to set the world on fire but it worked for both of us at the time.
Heartbreakingly beautiful – 1/2 latino and 1/2 vietnamese. Fabulous body,
when viewed arriving or departing. But completely in the closet, despite
several discussions and animated, verbal disagreements about him being almost 30
and STILL not out.
We spent the evening together on August 19th and he mentioned that he
was thinking of going to Vietnam to see his mother although he didn’t
say when he planning to travel. When I didn’t hear from him by the last week of August
I assumed that he was traveling and didn’t really think more of it until
the 28th or so. Left him increasingly agitated text messages and voice
mails, interspersed with messages that said “if you’re giving me the fuck
off, please just tell me directly, I can handle it.” Nothing, no response.
On a whim, on September 3rd I googled his name and searched on Facebook..
…and found his online obituary. He had died on the 21st, just one day
after leaving my apt. His family had already buried him.
Facebook had encomiums from friends and family. Virtually none of them
knew who I was or anything about the bit of blue sky that he and I
had stolen together. I made some of what I felt were pretty clumsy attempts
to meet one or another of his siblings, without ever revealing that I had
known him.
Maddeningly, nothing in electronic media gave even the slightest hint
about WHAT HAD HAPPENED. The funeral parlor would not release any more
information than what was in the obit. I eventually went through a friend
who was dating an HPD officer to find out. He was driving home in the
early morning hours, going south on Hwy 288 in his little two seater
Mercedes. Took the freeway off-ramp, approached the intersecting
cross-street….and was T-boned by a guy in an Escalade, running a red light.
A small mercy in that he was killed instantly, a direct hit on his driver’s
side door. Those were some long, lonely, anguished weeks. All because I was out
and he wasn’t.
RIP Johnny Manzanares Seann. I still think about you.
I just looked at his profile on Facebook & you could tell that guy was out of the closet. Rainbow pics & everything. RIP to your friend though.
If im really in love with someone ,it isnt going to matter either way, id support the decision s they make and understand to be helpful and also help to understand its called unconditional love
Yes ,I have and continue to and will for as long as it’s good…
I have to agree with many of the fore-mentioned comments on here, as an older man having endured a life lived out of the closet, why should I be the one bearing the brunt so to speak, while he hides his true sexual identity? I’ve met guys on here whom are bi- no pic of course ’cause they’re DLs, they want me to meet them in person, face unseen! I would find that very desperate to go for something like that; makes me angry to even be approached by guys like that and it happens often enough, nothing but cowards.
Of course I do! I’m currently dating four closeted guys on the side.
Closeted guys are more fun in several ways… They are always horny, as they don’t get as much attention or time to play. They are always paranoid, which makes it a lot easier if you want to play with their heads. Being paranoid about being outed also makes them a lot more pliable to my desires.
LOL! Andrew, you made my day!
It depends. For instance. I’m out. But just like when I dated women in my earlier years, I wasn’t painting a picture of my personal life to everyone. I don’t live an openly gay life. In live the life that I live. A lot of openly gay guys judge me and say I’m in the closet, which is not true. I just don’t flaunt it.
As far as a guy in the closet. We have all for the most part been there. A person making the transition from straight to gay needs a reason to complete the transition. Saying you won’t date a guy in the closet is like saying you don’t want to sit on an egg in the chicken world.
A lot of guys I know are in the closet not because they don’t want to be gay, but because they are sick of the silly, toxic, impossibly bigoted, racist, and intollerant behavior of the LGBT community.
Don’t have a six pack, sorry at least 3/4s of the gay community will want nothing to do with you. Eat at chick filet, watch duck dynasty, like to wear more tha. Underwear out in public. Sorry half the gay community will judge you and say your in the closet.
Being out and being gay are really two different things these days. One is an attention grab, a shameless attempt to to live s and m fantasies out in the real world, and not in the bedroom. Don’t believe me. Go to a pride event, the only thing that separates these events from a porn shoot is usually a pair of underwear.
Being gay means that you have a significant other, and you love them, but your personal life, just like in a straight relationship, is between you two only. Sure you share parts of it with the open world. But what happens behind closed doors is for us only.
My idea of a pride prevent would be showing up, fully dressed, and acting like a regular part of society. Showing people that we are just like them, and that we are responsible enough to co exist and uphold the standards of society.
Showing up in things. Slings, lycra, jock straps, body harnesses, with clocks painted on your body and sexual words and images everywhere shows society that we are not ready to be taken seriously as a whole. That we don’t think of anyone else needs over our own. And we further the stereo types people have of us.
I love it they always go home .
LOL! Another good one!
I think the question is misstated. A man in the closet would not date. Date means going out in public. Most closeted men seem to want to have sex behind closed doors and that’s about it.
I once ‘dated’ a very closeted guy whilst I was a music critic. I’d ask him along to use my extra ticket. I knew a lot of people in the arts world and would see them in the lobby. He would always insist I not use his last name, as he was closeted. My response was that if I left out his last name they would know he was in the closet if I introduced him as “Duane,” but if I introduced him with his last name people would assume he was a colleague or some such. So I introduced him with his last name. He refused to go out socially, but would show up late at night so we could do the dirty.
I’m not interested in closeted men. I’m not interested in helping any man at all cheat on his partner — male or female.
Well said! Closets are for clothing, not for people!
As I read some of the comments it just reinforces my resolve to just be who I am. I am bi, and have been all my life. I just don’t discuss sex except with my partner, period! It’s no ones business what I am or who I want to have sex with. Sometimes, I want to have sex with men and other times, women. Bi males definitely don’t have it easy regardless of what some may think.
I don’t mind him being discreet, I pretty much am because for me it’s not a big deal that I’m gay. I will casually let it slip that I like guys and gauge peoples’ reactions.
For me: I like PDA because I don’t care who’s around or what their reaction would be. Of course I’ll be careful but for the most part I don’t give a straight couple a second glance so why should they do that to us?
Also, I’m affectionate and I need a guy who is secure in themselves
If they can’t introduce me to their closest friends and family as his boyfriend I won’t bother.
Never again. It’s a stressor that I am no longer willing to tolerate. I can respect a persons decision to not be ‘out’, and be friends without judgement, but to date; not for me.
The phrase (label) “In the closet” is never used positively. When it’s used, it’s insensitive and degrading. It’s usually used by militant, stereotypical gays who demand everyone accept them for who they are. These same guys then turn around and demand everyone be “out”. Hypocritical much?
Everyone has a right to determine how they present their sexuality to society. Some are “loud and proud”, demanding that everyone know and accept them for everything they are. Others choose to keep their sexuality a matter of privacy.
If a guy wishes/needs to run with “out” crowd, that’s his right and his choice. If a guy doesn’t, there’s no difference; it’s his right and his choice.
Not again. Keep in mind that this experience was about 15 years ago and society has generally become more accepting. The man I dated owned a buisness in a town of about 36,000 people. Once gay people from a nearby larger city knew about his business, they frequented it and his business from locals dropped off considerably. This had a negative effect for quite some time. I lived in a different city and drove many times a week to be with him. On days he decided to be closed, we would drive to another city and spend the day together. We usually stopped at a nearby gas station for coffee. As it was a relatively small town, he became worried that people in town were figuring out why they saw us together, even the woman at the gas station when we got our morning coffee. After a while it became too much for me so I ended it, despite loving him very much. I don’t think it is just about sex. You shouldn’t have to censor your life when you are with someone you care about, where you can and can’t be seen together. I understand that everyone is in a different position in regards to being out and not everyone can be. I hope that it is out of necessity for many, rather than shame.
Of course. And, my experience has been that dating “straight” or “closeted” guys has been beneficial for both of us. It’s opened them up and made them less fearful to the point that every one I’d dated DID come out, usually while we were dating. For me, it taught me patience, something that too many out and about gay men have no concept of. In fact, I’ve learned that where good advice is concerned, the absolute last place you’ll find it is from the self-appointed spokesmen “in the gay community.” “Do your own thing” is as alive and well now as it was when it first came out in the ’60s.
Well, I’m one of the closeted guys you all are discussing. While you’ve been going back and forth, I’ve been in a relationship for some three years now with a wonderful guy. We have both acknowledged – to each other – that we are gay. That’s sufficient for us, thank you very much!
Glad to play the “I’m your dirty secret” scene with someone if it turns them on, but I’m not actually gong to be someone’s dirty secret. And if you are dating someone who is in the closet, that is what you are.
Absolutely not!
Casual Dating : YES, but I wouldn’t set low expectations for myself and avoid partnering.
I’ve been infatuated a few times by closeted guys, but typically after a few dates, I have a good sense of a man. I might still stay optimistic about the guy, but I feel we want different lives and focus on men that are more complementary to the life I’ve been building for myself. If he wants to come out, I’d rather be a friend than a partner.