Speak Out: What Have You Learned From Hooking Up?

For some of us, hooking up is still a new and thrilling experience that pumps some adrenaline into our system. And then there are those of us who have really gone around the block, so to speak. They’ve probably seen and done it all, and might have a thing or two to say to the newbie just starting out.

It was exactly the insight of these more experienced men that Reddit user u/i_respondWith_a_song was interested in. His post on the r/askgaybros subreddit called on gay guys who’ve slept with over a hundred men to share their most surprising insights, and Reddit did not disappoint.

The most upvoted response, for instance, was from u/gamefreakcs91, who says he’s surprised by how many guys just want to talk or experience some physical intimacy. He shares, “On more than one occasion I’ve found myself chatting with a guy and next thing you know I’m privy to insecurities, breakups, etc. It’s like guys just need to vent and be heard. I don’t mind indulging them.”

User u/sacredbandofbros, on the other hand, says that hooking up with more than a hundred men has expanded his mind.

“My tastes have been fully explored and refined to where I know exactly what i like and don’t like. My mind was expanded, types i used to find unappealing i now find very attractive,” he explains. “I’ve grown a lot since I started having sex. I love sex and theres no reason why safe sex can’t be practiced as much as you’d like while keeping it mentally healthy.”

There were also those that had much more sobering realizations, like user u/leemo88, who says “It can easily become an addiction, a need to please. Submitting yourself to the enjoyment of others is fun to start, but emotionally draining due to a sense of failure when you can’t get what you need and crave anymore.”

We now you Adam4Adam blog readers are an equally sexual bunch, so we’d like to pose the same question to you guys. What have you learned from hooking up? Tell us about it in the comments section below!

There are 52 comments

Add yours
  1. Nathan

    Stay with ‘self’ and use your hands…right/left or both… . In any configuration, it is release; relief and relaxation!

    Self never gets angry, disappointed, bloated, fatigued, demanding, insatiable, irritable, irrational, meandering, circuitous, but…rolls over and goes to sleep!

    No man is an island…except, when he is on his back…in his bed!

  2. Jer

    Never really intended to hookup with anyone
    I’ve Never been Interested in doing pursued or vice versa . But if anything I know I dont go in with that intention . I know that a lot of people Esp guys in general
    it’s alot of the time what they’re out for . But I’m too monogamous and too much the romantic to just have sex esp to hookup with just anyone

    • Danny

      Yea dude,that’s how it happens after sometime when the “boy games” faze as a school kid of experimenting and exploring wears way. The hookups are cool but when you’re done the thrill is over and your almost back where you started . Like you some of us too start to desire a little more out of it . It can still make it like the weekend or summer time sleepovers but better !

      • Jer

        No I think you interpreted what I stated .. I do t go around trying to get it in like the animalistic desires of so many guys Esp gay men Too many do it and it can leave people left feeling aweful used and not only the fact of risk of STDs and HIV . So not isn’t great from the beginning or even cool- I seek something more from another boy this just getting it in…

  3. Dennis Polifroni

    I think, more than anything, I found that hooking up with dozens of guys since I discovered the power of social media and sites like A4A and apps like Grindr, is not only what I like or dislike in the guys I fuck but, that their are factions of guys that are very much about guys like me.

    To explain: Im 52 years old, built like a football player, tall and a workaholic. I rarely get out to a party or a club, my time to socialize is limited and, quite frankly, I sometimes feel I’m too old and out of step with the younger crowd that turns me on. And, while it might be a cliche that I’m an older man looking for younger guys to bang, the perverbial “daddy” trying to recapture his own youth through sexual encounters with guys (aged 21 to 29), I was shocked to find out their are slews of younger guys that are insanely, sexually charged, to hook up with guys like me.

    What I learned from having hook-ups with, as this article asks, over 100 guys, is that tastes, no matter how bizarre we as individuals might think another persons preferences may be, are as valid and sincere as the next persons. Some like bigger guys, some like smaller. I’ve conversed with those that like unwashed bodies, others that are into really kinky play. It all depends on the individual.

    More than anything, however, is the fact that hooking up through social media made me understand and realize that guys like me should not feel ashamed, or be shamed, for the preferences we have. Nobody should be. My preferences have also altered as I took this journey into social-media hook-ups, and I now find myself broadening my preferences and tastes (not drastically but, enough) to guys that weren’t always “my cup of tea”.

    The surprizes, laughs, adventures and, yes, even deep friendships, I’ve gotten from hooking up with so many, has made me more open, more accepting and a bit wiser than I was before I started.

    And, if you wanna get down to the sassier side of it?

    I now have a pen of hot bois I can call on whenever I wanna get off.

    Just use your brains, always play safe and/or take your PreP, be respectful, and dont be afraid to tell people what you want or desire.

      • Jer

        But keep in mind this is how people get hurt and HIV has been Spread amongst other STDs so it’s not being open minded it’s being selfish in your satisfying your lust Forget each person you’re getting it in Right? as long as you get it in What a bunch Of bastards !!

    • Jer

      This sounds so Typical of a older gay man still trying to sow his wild oats to whatever he didn’t do back in his 20s so you’re reasoning being that you’re too busy
      so when you can ….
      you get it in when you can ,
      Right ?
      and because of the power of social media sites like a A4A & apps like GrindR it allows this disgusting hurtful behavior as you are posing your needs over anyone that you’re with . Forget their feelings cuz that doesn’t matter to you even if they’re wantin & hookin up with you but the fact of possibly engaging in the spread of STDs and HIV , just so long as you get yours right –
      what a prick!!
      F*ck this openmindedness reference of any of this horrible behavior that Way TOO many gay men engage in Esp if you’re older thinking it’s your way to get with a younger guy but again so you can get it in . What Disgusting selfish pricks
      To the person who moderates this if you don’t post this thatll confirm your agreement of thinking this way as well & being ok

  4. billyg

    They lie
    They are 15 to 20 years older than their picture.
    They say afterward that they want to get together again, but you never hear from them or they never respond to your messages.
    They are committed.
    They are desperate.
    They want way more than you do.
    They say they are a top, bottom or vers., but turn out totally opposite of what they said you want.
    It’s a miserable way of trying to meet someone..
    If they don’t have a face pic, run….. They are hiding something or from someone.
    Have to keep an open mind going in that it is strictly wamm-bam, have fun and forget it by morning.
    No matter how late it is, don’t let them spend the night……………
    These are just starters…………………

  5. Andrew

    I have learned from hooking up is to be very careful, i am happy to say i have safe sex and i may not have slept with over 100 guys but i know after the 10th guy i met (not meaning i had sex) i knew what i wanted, what i don’t like and sure as hell wouldn’t tolerate, What i would advise anyone with if ur dominant, submissive, verse, top/bottom etc is to look what you are getting yourself into and the person you are allowing into you bed, mind, and body, I always advise ppl to look for the STD’s (sexually transmitted disease/DEMONS) disease in biological disease and demons as mental, emotional and physical demons, ppl come to you with alot of those, I thank the almighty my cock doesn’t push me to such a state that i indulge without thinking, to be honest my mind always runs on do u have your own condom lube, this person smells weird etc alot of things go throgh my mind as A Top that got me thinking also my gut intuition is a great help too listen to it.

  6. Okzebra

    Hooking up on Adam is a challenge as many are frauds hiding behind profiles that are fake so they don’t meet but pretend an interest. But, when you meet real men on Adam, there is nothing better as they ARE sincere, grounded, accomplished, and fun. Be patient.

  7. rparktop

    I’ve had the same experiences as a lot of the guys who commented. some great warmth, sometimes an emotional & physical connection that is an incredible experience & release. I have also found an awful lot of guys confuse non-attraction with bigotry & hatred. If I say no thanks to another white man that’s fine. If I say no to some black men I’m a racist. sexual attraction & racism are 2 totally different things. Who is a bigot here? a white man who can’t suck enough BBC but would never have a drink or socialize with a man of color or a white man who favorite club night at the bar is Onyx night because they are such a friendly fun group of men? Think about that. One of the most surprising things I’ve learned is that there is a HUGE number of gay men that have absolutely no fucking idea how to suck cock. They also usually described themselves as having “mad consuming skills”

    • wesley

      I agree with your comment … “there is a HUGE number of gay men that have absolutely no fucking idea how to suck cock.” They THINK they do. Someone should give lessons. These guys who think it’s just a matter of head bobbing are so wrong.

      • Soreass

        And someone should give lessons to guys who think they can ‘top’! it’s not just sticking your cock in an ass and fuck like rabbits.

  8. Kelly Anaya

    That guys , especially in my area, are judgemental and high standards. Most of the few guys I met mostly want oral but no intimacy

  9. Lamar

    I’m one of those ‘men of a certain age’ as such, I’ve ripened sexually; as I ‘still’ love the hell out of it quite passionately. I’ve gotten to know what I want and don’t want and what I’m willing to compromise on to be fulfilling. That is the stuff that sets you up for mature relationships that would be more lasting, also, like you’ve pointed out, its not about the “drop-dead-gorgeous hunk,” It’s about the drop-dead-sweetheart, really.

    I save certain sexual acts for when ‘he and I’ are truly involved for multiple reasons…

    Man, I just love to death, a masculine, down to earth man, that can be so vulnerable emotionally
    and not feel threatened or weakened. Street-smart as all hell, yet, rather self-taught or institutionally; educated, like ’em smart with something of depth to say. He’s multi-faceted
    with a body of knowledge as a great conversationalist, not necessarily literary.

    We’ve all been very young naïve, shallow, etc., it’s ok when your young, its so very normal and expected. But as a phase, only, not a life-long-ongoing main-stay for who you are, which is really, nobody at a certain age. That “Peter-Pan” thing, yikes!

  10. pozguy

    NEVER take a guy’s word for it about being negative or undetectable. If you’re not on PReP (or even if you are), if he can’t show test results, wear a condom. If he won’t show test results, then show *him*the door.

    If he’s undetectable (or even if he’s not) and you still wanna do it? If he asks you to sign something saying you know his status and are consenting to still have sex, do it. He’s just protecting himself from assholes who’d call the cops because *they* chose to be reckless.

    • rparktop

      I am neg and have been tested about every 6 months since March of 1986. I have never been offered my results on paper. I have also never had a guy offer to show me results. I never even heard of getting paper results. Safer practices & being selective have helped me stay neg. I have now been on PrEP for 3 years, my standards have not changed. You are responsible for your own health & need to be proactive about it. I assume everyone is poz and behave accordingly.

  11. Hunter0500

    After a boatload of hookups, I learned that I’m just not interested in “once and done”, “use and discard”, empty sex in which men treat other men as disposable commodities. For me, yes, it “gets the job done” when it comes to the physical aspect, but then what? Back to square on looking for the next “Mr. Right Now.” Hey, fine, if this is what guys want. Good for them. Go for it. Enjoy. Just not for me.

    Not that I’m at all interested in a monogamous relationship. Good for guys that want to them. I prefer to have several good buds the play with regularly, sometimes one on one, sometimes more than one. Guys to get to know and experience life with. Glad I’ve found several guys who want the same.

    It has taken over a decade for me to build the “herd”. I still look to connect with new guys. Hey, more is better. Some along the way naturally add themselves to the group. Others have no interest in more than once and done or just don’t pan out … for one reason or another. All well and good, we move on.

  12. PrivateIntimacy

    After looking for YEARS, I’m nothing but disappointed. I read this b/c I’m fascinated that anyone would have the opportunity to explore so much, with so many when in truth, I can’t even imagine such a thing.

    I live in the middle of f’ing nowhere in Central NH. I’m pretty sure I’m the only one on A4A that considers my 6’2″ & 190 lb. physique as h/w proportionate as most guys say think 5’6″ & 240lbs is h/w prop. Adding insult to injury, I’ve updated my pictures every 6-months whereas most on here have pictures that are a decade+ old. Then comes the “ask me” folks. You know, where they have almost blank profiles, no pictures & don’t want to say if they are a top, bottom, vers, oral…. whatever. Instead these guys want to play the, “you have to ask me 1000 questions” games. Finally, there are the guys that you’ve gone through that entire rodeo only to find that will never meet, or worse yet if they do, they are not what was advertised. The last “meetup” I had was a guy that was 100lbs & 20-years more than advertised. Pissed didn’t begin to cover my emotional state after driving an hour to find that. So I have to say, “Lies” is what I find most about online garbage. Nothing but lies.

    I can’t say I’ve hooked-up with 100 men, not even 10, not ever 5, not ever 3! After over 5-years of looking on A4A (and elsewhere), I’ve come to realize that it’s not me b/c the sick part of it is, if I go out to a bar or a party or friends houses or even just at a fire-pit, the grocery store, the car dealer, women hit on me (even the taken ones). I’m not ashamed to be physically fit or having a beautiful cock that has spent more time in my right hand than anywhere else. No, my body & mind are okay; but what I’m finding concerning is that I would probably be willing to do things that I shouldn’t with a guy that would understand such complicated things in life as taking a fucking shower, self-grooming, brushing your fucking teeth; but alas… no.

    To those living in a city, I envy you. Things may be peaceful out here in the woods; but having nobody to explore or experiment or just enjoy the wonders of sex with leaves me thankful for Porn because there’s one thing I know & that’s jerking off. If it were an Olympic sport, I’d be America’s champion.

    Speaking of which… yeah… nobody on A4A within 20 miles & none of them can host, so pardon me while I duck into the bedroom for an hour or so.

    • Jake

      Some good info here bud, but I wouldn’t say online is ALL garbage. I’m sorry you don’t have more guys closer. That does that the sparkle out of the rural pipedream.

  13. Tommy

    I’m married so I hookup on the DL with other married and str8 guys to give them what they don’t get at home. They say sneaking is half the fun knowing we are deviating. I think it’s erotic and hot. I like them young.

  14. Mitch

    I have learned that one NEVER knows who the other person is. I have resigned myself to go to the local bathhouse. What I see I get and what they see they get. End of the night I go home satisfied and never have to cook breakfast. With all the weirdos out there, I just plain feel safer.

    • kent1play

      As I’ve ve learned to not trust anyone when hooking-up, I recently took a risk and ventured into a men’s spa. It was an eye opening experience. The spa was located in a Silicon Valley area; numerous types of guys of all shape, sizes, ages, complextions and levels of personal hygiene abound. Not knowing what to expect, I, oddly enough, felt safe and not intimidated. I’m mature in decent shape, open-minded sexually and friendly by nature. Yes, I did get my sexual satisfaction served and pleased my two partners (separately) that evening. Seeing what I like and desire and knowing a partner had the same opportunity eased the situation. I will go back.

  15. BT

    I have certainly met some nice men on these sites. Some fun buddies, I even met one of my best friends. I’ve have experienced and learned that the majority of men on these sites are really not looking for sex, dates, friends, or relationships. They use these sites as entertainment. They will chat you up and ask lots of questions. Request pix. They may even take your address and say they are on the way to you. Then they don’t come. They don’t let you know they aren’t coming. They don’t respond if you inquire if they are delayed or changed their mind. Sometimes during chat they “ghost” you. Meaning they just stop responding for no apparent reason. The lack of physical face to face conversation can encourage this rude behavior and gives them an easy way to demean others. They don’t care that you are waiting for a response or even a message indicated that it not going to be a good match. That’s what courteous and well mannered men would do. They are not respectful of you and use up the limited time you may have to find a connection. They endlessly email you and they well know it will lead to ghosting you. I have learned that it doesn’t reflect on me or diminish me. It diminishes them and reflects on their lack of character.

  16. Richard

    Im now 70 been “cruising” places like Asbury Park in the seventies when the getty was the place to go at night and find whoever on the rocks in the dark being splashed by the sea while hot scenes resulted, in those days i was trade onlly got sucked and had favorites who looked for me at public bathrooms with glory holes or bookstore stalls, then it progressed to me sucking a little on a cock that was appealing ona man that turned me on. NOW? Im the old troll who sometimes gets someone interested in an older hung guy. I accept the fact that the gay life is for young and beautiful or muscular endowed me that’s the key. Its a youngmans game but at my age I have made some lasting lovers who still do the wild thing with me. I have maintained a hetero marriage for 44 years (she knows we just dont talk about it and I dont throw it in her face) I know what I am at this age and accept myself for a confused bisexual (more gay now I dont do woman anymore) I have a winter lover who keeps me happy in West Palm he knows the situation is married as well and we still meet almost five times weekly for hours of love making with a woman never gave me in any way as good as thisman serves my ego and me his. If you find a gay lover who is willing to accept your condition in life its a beautiful thing. There are many pearls among the sand you just have to keep sifting to find the right one that fits your needs. Dont feel guilty when you score and release that’s the first feeling that emerges upon your beginning of the realization that you are a man who enjoys men in whatever way you enjoy. Just find the right man and you will be amazed at the joy in life it can bring to your sexual urges and carnal wishes. Peace

  17. Lamar

    There’s some smart people on here, and one thing collectively, we have in common, the realization that there are some really bad guys out in the gay communities, just looking for victims. Positive out-come is that they teach you how to be smarter/protecting yourself being careful before its too late.

    • bjjj

      I agree with you about the bad guys. It’s risky to go to someones home, apt, bathroom, or meeting up outside. So much chance of getting robbed, assaulted, or worse a gun or knife pulled on you. Also there is the risk of getting arrested for public exposure, and having sex in a public place. Best is to meet in a public place first, or even an adult bookstore with an arcade, or porn theater. At least then there are others around if the person tries to cause you any trouble. My BF, best friend and lover, the first time we met was in a public place. Now today we even travel together and stay overnight. Yes, there are some very nice honest guys in the world, one just has to be cautious.

  18. Hangout

    When i hook up random I go and meet the real person. If its not what its crack up to be i just excuse and say I forgot my poppers in the car.

  19. bjjj

    Well, hookups can give you instant sexual gratification, but it’s usually a one time thing. Yes, it can get risky, STDs, HIV, etc, but most guys doing hookups are willing to take the chance. I have and luckily I’ve never gotten anything. When you get down to it, most guys are just lonely, and need companionship. and they think there going to satisfy it sexually, but most likely you will never see the same guy again. Friends, lovers, even acquaintances for most guys are quite hard to find. For me (at least at my age), it’s more about a hug, kiss, and a relationship, than a quickie. Sure, sex comes into play, but that’s not all there is to being gay or bi. Being gay, it’s about doing things together, caring for each other, going places, laughing, helping each other out, enjoying meals together, and understanding each other when one or the other is down and out, or in a bad mood. Love and care isn’t found in a quickie hook up. I must admit though I found a wonderful guy, that started out as sort of a hookup. Unlike some guys that you can’t trust, my BF is very honest, truthful, trustworthy, and open about his life.

  20. Jonathan

    seems like everyone only wants model types even if they’re on the plain looking side…and never hook up with married men, too much bs and they NEVER leave their wives…i kinda liked it better before there were so many outlets for sex…seems like everyone is only looking for the next thrill…kind of strange how the easier it became to find sex, the harder it became to find love. Sad but i guess this is the way its going to be from now on

  21. Derryck

    Hooking Up?

    This type of Homosexual/Gay relationship varies from culture to culture.

    In Guyana where I am from originally, we out Homosexuals prefer to meet, and if we click, have sex, and if we cluck in that way, engage in a steady friendship/relationship.

    This involves meeting at either one’s home on a regular basis, getting to know each other, have sex, and just hangout with each other,

    One Night or One Time Stands, and not seeing the other person again is frowned upon.

    We see it as the behavior of SLUTS.

    But in the USA, especially NYC, this type of behavior seems to be the norm here.


  22. ImrealRU

    You get to meet some very interesting people thats for sure. for me I learned is what I like sexually. Hooking up can be a great way to explore your own sexuality and what you like to do or have done to you sexually….

    the down side is. well sometimes you meet a creep who won’t respect your wishes. they may even try to force themselves on you.

    You really have to be careful about hooking up. Always assume that person might have a STD / STI, so Use Protection.

    I have also learned from hooking up that it’s not always safe to do so. I have been lucky, Some of my friends have been beat up by bashers from the apps.. Just becareful when meeting a guy from online

  23. Mr. T.

    A hookup is what it is…nothing more…nothing less. It’s a roller coaster ride period. Don’t complain…you know the score before you explore.

    It always amuses and amazes when you hear of others not finding it as exciting and engaging and fun and free/easy as it use to be. Do blame the “hookup” blame “things change”. Nothing stays the same as we would want.

    People evolve….

    Hookup is still a hookup….

Post a new comment

Like us to stay in touch with latests posts!