Speak Out: Living the American Gay Dream
(Photo Credits: Sean Cody)
In our previous articles, some of us admitted that they are the fuck and go type. But what about those at the other end of the spectrum, are there any Adam4Adam members who prefer the “American Gay Dream” You know, the whole nine yards: a loving husband, a nice job, a nice car, a large house with a white picket fence, maybe two or three kids, and a dog.
We are asking because we stumbled upon a particular thread online where the original poster (OP) said that gay men never do or want to settle down. Personally, I think that our wants and needs change as time goes by. Maybe we sleep around while we are young, but there comes a point in our life where we realize we have changed, that we are now tired of playing the field.
When that happens, it’s when we crave for something more: we want to find love, we want commitment, to settle down even. You know, like Matt Bomer and Simon Halls, Tom Daley and Dustin Lance Black, and Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka to name a few. In real life, I know three gay couples who have been together for years and two of them have a child as well. They are these run-of-the-mill sorts of guys: the first one is a young couple in their early 30s; they’re both entrepreneurs and they have an adopted son, now 6 years old. The other is in their 50s, both high school teachers (the other is a school principal), they don’t have kids but they’ve been together for around 30 years. The third couple on the other hand, is in their 60s (one of them is a dermatologist, the other an office worker) with an adopted daughter who is now in her early 20s.
Anyway, what about you guys? Do you see yourself as a family man? Are you the type who will settle down once the right guy comes along or are you the lone wolf type? Why or why not? Share with us your thoughts and stories in the comments section below.
The so-called “American Gay Dream” is just a political jail cell. As a gay man, I am supposed to embrace the heteronormativity of getting married, being monogamous, having kids, living as “openly gay” (because being gay isn’t good enough you have to be in-your-face-gay), and pretending like I’m just like straight people except that my cock fucks ass.
I am a man. People know I fuck men. “Gay” is not what defines every aspect of my being. There’s more to life than imposing marginalization on myself to kiss the ass of the gay straightjacket.
I’m very sorry to hear such hatred in your comments. I hope your life gets better.
Matt. I read no hatred in your post. Your post is all about what you want, not hating on others.
The American Dream, gay or not, is a socio-political jell cell.
Oh the dream of trying to have sex with randoms on the internet ( we all know how that works out!) oh and don’t even think you can actually find and have a human interaction in the real world! In 2018 it takes having 4 internet hook up sites with countless guys hounding you for pictures before you can even meet up for a drink or a meal much less sex. I would call gay life in the United States of America a nightmare not a dream…
I had the dream, but it is gone. I’m on my way to being a full-on old curmudgeon widower with no friends or family. No point in starting over at this point.
I’m sorry to hear that! I love gay granddads. I wish I had one to love again. (The one I had, for years, passed away)
I have the nice income , car and very large house with the best of everything. Only I’m single. All I meet are flakes that I never see again, even though the sex is awesome. so what gives?
“Living the American Gay Dream” is just reduced to the WHITE AMERICAN GAY GUYS. Look at the picture of this article that shows just white gay gays and linked it to success, beauty, fulfiled dream, and so on.
I ma sick and tired with the hypocrite gay webistesbthat bashes people who discriminate the LGBT community, but they also discriminate non-white gay guys.
Shame on them!!!
the gay community needs to show all gays, not just white gays, that’s all I see in the media. most married gay men are doing the ‘open relationship’ thing, so not really traditional on that sense, not that I give an f on hardcore traditions anyways…
I am 65, was married to a female for about 20 years and have adult children. I’ve done the responsible and settled down thing. If I should find the right person I would do it again but I’m not actively searching for him. I like sharing my life with someone.
I want a happy relationship so bad. Unfortunately, I came to THIS late, dated women MOST of my life in search of that straight dream. Now that I am here, I have not found it a friendly place. There are ‘nice guys,’ however, many have the hook-up mentality. There are homophobes, ageists, racists, and the list goes on and it is fine, I didn’t expect this community to be that different than others, as we all have our own expectations. However, when I find a guy for me … one who is KIND, has faith or religious values … is in my age range, meets all the qualities I want in a future husband, I find that he is ‘complicated’. The man whom I have fallen in love with, was local for a bit and I found out he was living on the other side of the country and traveling for his job (No problem, I would willingly move for him, do anything for him, but he has never shared the level of interest I share in him). When I laid my cards on the table, he shared the messed up turn his life had taken, and I am in a bad spot too, so it seems REAL MEN can’t overcome simple issues, even if we want to. We play at being GENTLEMEN; sadly, though I have never attempted to ‘get into these men’s pants,’ I read their subsequent messages and KNOW that they are often threatened by the idea that because we are BOTH handsome, we will cheat! In reality, if I could have him, I would be so happy I would NEVER do anything to lose him. Still, it is not enough to overcome his distrust caused by his ex! It breaks my heart, the last three GREAT guys I have met have been totally fucked up by EXes who cheated on them (and I understand their hurt) I find them closed off and distrusting. The other guy I met here and felt there could be something with, because he is amazing and smart, fit and masculine, handsome and hairy, is ALL I could ask for; now, after three years of ‘cat and mouse’ interests, he tells me he is married to a woman and it is “complicated” … yeah, no duh.
Women can be a nightmare at times, but many women craved the idea of settling down with me, and sadly that is when I recognized I wasn’t ‘into women’. Eventually, I do really feel THAT vibe here. It is sad, because I FINALLY have the career I always wanted, the house, the cars, the investments, and I am content, but when it comes to finding the right guy for me, well,
I guess you could say IT IS COMPLICATED …
Sooo maybe that was the “dream” in the early 80-90-00’s but this millennial is living his by having financial freedom. It’s really awesome to know you can take trip across waters at a spur notice and not be bothered about being fiscally responsible. THANK YOU COLLEGE!!
Happy Pride.
In the 70s, I could not identify with the newly forming gay liberation with their open and free sex culture. Instead, I married a woman, which did not fare well other than a few children. Having those children opened a door for me after a divorce with another divorced man, and we soon were in a LTR for almost 20 years. House, picket fence, dog and kids. We had almost exclusively other monogamous couples as friends. Empty nest caused problems, and we finally split.
Single now, almost all my friends either are in or were in monogamous LTR at some point. Finding the type of man looking for the Gay Dream is rare on here because once they form a LTR they no longer “hunt” for anyone online. You rarely find this type of man in bars searching for the conquest of the night because they are playing cards, or attending social gatherings in the home.
Interesting article, very thoughtful…except the next article is about whether or not we’d buy Justin Bieber’s used underwear. Think gay men are similar to others: Some will always play the field, spend time at the bars or baths, buy Bieber’s briefs, etc. Some will settle down. Personally, I like that idea.
I was married for 25 years with kids, house and everything else that goes along and then my wife passed away. I have always been gay, but didn’t want to admit it to myself, so i got married and hoped that would take care of itself.
I now realize I could never get together with a woman again.
Yes, I have had a number of hook ups, I am about to to say who hasn’t. But that is not the kind of life I want to continue with. I would love to find another man who would be the man of my life so we could settle down and enjoy the rest of our life together.
But where do I find him? I have joined various dating sites, but not been successful there.
I know this is out of the ordinary but I feel I have to try just in case. Maybe this is our lucky day, I surely hope so.
A LITTLE ABOUT ME
I have come to the realization that I don’t want to grow old alone and that I need someone to share my life with. I lost my wife ten years ago, and have now realized that I would rather spend my time with a man.
I have been told that I walk to the beat of my own drum. I am known not to be the best color coordinator of my clothes, but honestly what difference does that make?
I feel I am a good person trying to live according to the Golden Rule “Do unto others as you would like to have them do unto you.”
By the way I love to be naked and would be naked 24/7 if possible. I am mentioning this because it is a part of me so you may as well know about it up front.
I am looking for someone who is also looking for a LTR (Life Time Relationship.)
I live between Salt Lake City, UT (225 miles away) and Las Vegas, NV (175 miles away)
Historically I have mainly been attracted to guys younger than myself. I am 61, I think I am mainly looking for someone younger (25-50) However, as they say “No rule without exceptions.”
Monogamy is a must for me
WHO COULD BE A PERFECT MATCH?
Someone to spend time with who knows who and what he is. Someone who is not afraid to hold hands in public and not too worried what others think about us being together. Someone to snuggle up with and who would care about me as much as I would care about him. Someone who realizes that it is not a 50/50 % give and take but a 100 % give relationship for both of us. We don’t need to be attached at the hip, but we should be more than room mates. We need to be involved in each others lives.
WHAT WOULD BE A PERFECT DATE
Doesn’t really matter as long as we can get to talk and get to know about each other. Therefore, a movie or a performance would not be the most ideal date.
And please, don’t be permanently attached to your texting devise.
Articles of this type are biased and in my opinion disgusting. I have been in a relationship with my male partner for over 25 years. We never set out to be anything that anyone else suggested we be. We became who we wanted to be, wrote our own rules, did what we wanted and always supported and loved each other. When I finally came to my age of reckoning (Thank God early, at 21) and accepted my sexuality the one major appealing thing about being a gay man was that there were ‘no rules’. I’m glad for those gay men and women who wish to become parents and adopt or surrogate a child. Personally I only like children if their someone else’s. Even in College when I dated women, I was only interested in maintaining relationships with women who had no interest in ‘The American Dream’ – I was only interested in women with drive, initiative and brains. The best dating advice I ever received was from a older gay man in his 70’s. He and his lover had been together for over 40 years. I was whining about not having a relationship. He told me ‘When you look for it you never find it’, wait and it will come to you. He was absolutely right…
I have great relationships with buds of many years. None of us want the pipedream promoted here. It’s just not reality. For sure some gay guys want it and should pursue it. It’s not what my buds and I are about.
I have great relationships with buds of many years. None of us want the pipedream promoted here. It’s just not reality. For sure some gay guys want it and should pursue it. It’s not what my buds and I are about.
I am a man that always thought of being married with kids, I’m 32 and single yet don’t mind not having kids
Personally, getting married is something I WANT TO DO, not because of straight people but because I’ve always wanted to. I’ve always seen marriage as a partner in crime. I want to travel the world with him, have awesome experiences with him, and love him til out dying day.
I do have guys I mess around with, but I want something more, I want a partner
I’m noticing there are only white gays pictured for the a4a blogs…gay people of color exist!
Yes, and I enjoy being with them immensely!
You’re obviously not very observant. They have several opening pages with Black and interracial couples on them, as well as other pages with non white guys. Continuous unqualified acquisitions like this are going to begin falling on deaf ears, if they have not already…
How about the ULTIMATE ““American Gay Dream” You know, the whole nine yards: a loving husband, a nice job, a nice car, a large house with a white picket fence, maybe two or three kids, and a dog,” AND FUCK AND GO WHEN YOU WANT/NEED IT?
American Dream? lol. Is that like American excellence? Anyone with common sense and bit of brains knows the ‘America is the best’ is just a slogan to keep the masses from lighting some fat cats on fire. Overeating, drugs, gambling, ‘reality’ escape shows — Americans are just very unhappy beings.
The “American Gay Dream” to me is to choose from the vast options that single and coupled gay men have. One path is the American Dream.
My American Gay Dream is to travel and enjoy the freedom in life. I never wanted to make the 18+ year commitment to having children which allowed me great opportunity and more resources to do it. Since I was not pursuing the American Dream (ok, well a little) I had more flexibility to take unpaid time off to supplement my paid vacation to enjoy remote trails, far away cities, and gatherings of gay men.