Speak Out: The Other Man
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Hey, guys! Have you ever been the other man? How did that end for you? Or perhaps you were the unfortunate guy who had been cheated on? Did you forgive your man?
We are asking because all too often we hear stories like this: he was drunk and got too frisky. Long story short, he was unable to resist temptation and he had sex with some random guy (sometimes a friend), but the thing is that he is in a committed relationship with another man.
Did he (the person who cheated on you) grow up in a family where affairs were a norm? Did one or both his parents cheated on their relationships? According to Dr. Joe Kort, there’s a “high correlation between one’s cheating behavior and that of the cheating partner’s parents.” It could also be that he was sexually abused. Dr. Kort said that “sometimes childhood sexual abuse can rear its head by causing compulsive sexual acting out as an adult if it has not been healed or resolved. Hypersexual behavior is the main symptom of unresolved childhood sexual abuse.”
Or it could also be that your partner was “dissatisfied with your romantic relationship and found himself looking elsewhere.”
Having said that, have you ever been the other man? More importantly, is cheating a deal breaker for you or are you the type who is willing to forgive and forget? Perhaps you were the guilty party, why did you do it? Maybe you were tempted but you changed your mind in the last second. Whatever your story and thoughts are, we’d love to hear it in the comments section below.
Monogamy is a false construct. It was necessary for women to demand that over their men when the women were 100% dependent on the men to pay the bills. Show me a gay man that says gay men are monogamous and I will show you a liar. Men like variety. Embrace it.
I was the other man to several men and it strengthened their relationships.
It is a social construct to ensure the ‘generativity’ of a society. While it is generally agreed that most females invest more fully into the raising of their young then males do (the theory: ‘sperm is cheap & eggs expensive’), not sure why you believe you speak for all men’s value systems? Especially the counter-intuitive assertion that inserting your needs into other’s relationships made those relationship stronger … great hubris you got there mate!
I lost my fiancée because I was unfaithful when I was younger. Worst experience ever, I was completely destroyed with him. Learned my lesson there. But I next long-term, I found out he was cheating on me (with my best friend, who has supported and cared for me for a long time). And out of spite I did it back to him. In the end it wasn’t worth it. Once a cheater always a cheater? I don’t think that applies to everyone, but it does to some people. And I hate that gay culture seems to be all about that too. or at least here in NM.
I was abused as a child. I put ‘it’ away and never thought of it again. In my late teens my boss (6 years older) started giving me signs he was interested. One night he took me out, got me drunk and then he sucked me off. It became a regular thing – to drink to excess and then act out. He’d always come around between GFs and break ups. According to him, it was ‘killing him to see me with women, especially since they did not ‘love me’ the way he did or could, I knew he had experience with women and that he was having experiences with guys as well, but he now said he wanted ME. That really hit me hard, but I could not even think of being soberly sexual with him, without the fears from my childhood popping back up and ruining the moment. One day we talked, he desperately wanted us to be in a relationship, I told him we could experiment, but I shared what happened in my past, he held me and made me feel so safe; that night we had penetrative sex for the first time. I began to feel like I could do this and be okay with it because he loved me and I was now loving him. After we had sex, I would often feel shameful or bad, I know this weighed upon both of us. He told me it affected him so badly that he just had to leave because he couldn’t stand to see me like that. One night, I got suspicious and I followed him after he left, he was not going home as he had said, he was going to an adult bookstore and sucking off strangers. I walked in and I caught him red-lipped. I walked out and he chased me. I am glad I saw it because I wouldn’t have believed it was happening otherwise. I’m older now, and I understood that he had needs and was not ‘fulfilled’ by our ‘relationship’ but the feeling of that “rug of security being pulled out from under me” was too much to bare. I went into a tailspin of depression and mistrust of EVERYONE. I completely lost my self-esteem and self worth, I immediately went back to dating women, and had several long-term and unsatisfying relationships (worth noting here: almost every woman I had been with had been abused as a child).
I guess my reason for responding to this is to say that each of us is FREE to do as we choose. Also though, I believe we owe honesty to those we share ourselves with, therefore if one becomes unhappy or needs more in a ltr, then those are discussions to have out loud! If you want to move on PLEASE tell your partner BEFORE you do so. It could save SO MUCH pain in the end
I have been the other man in both a straight and my gay relationships. The result has been the same in both. I get the thrills they get the bills.
When I was younger about 17, I met this 26 year old as hot as it could be nice body pics, arms, and a long delicious cock. Few years went by with the booty call ting going on, but one day I saw pictures of a little girl in his phone and apparently the dude was married. It was surprising to me and I decided to stop seeing I’m, he said his wife was bad in life and in bed but I didn’t want to be part of that. Growing up my dad always cheated on my mom and I’m not about that life.
I had two back-to-back relationships,11 months apart. Both were married. Both blamed their wives for their marriage ending. Both went to live with their Moms when separated. Both chased me. They both wore me down. I lived with them both. The first one pined for a guy in another state. He threw me out. Then “OUTED” me. He went on to live the guy he pined for and eventually married. The second, new to the gay world wasn’t ready for a relationship. Yet swore to me he was. After 2 1/2 years he blind sided me. Pretending our world was great. We even talked about marriage and having a surrogate for kid or two.Then he split. Yet he already had an apartment 6 months before he left. He told me it was him who had to go to find himself . Be alone. Be on his own. Nothing at all to do with me. I found out he lied. He cheated on me during our time together. Then told my friends(between 11-20 years) after we split what a horrible person I was. They believed him.(funny,he rarely wanted to be around my friends.He even had sex with two of my closest friends,whom both denied,saying I was being dillusional, but found out it was true) Even a therapist we went to see, where he had a TOP 10 list against me,but before we went he had his tongue down my throat. I never got to have my say during therapy.The therapist told me to leave him alone. I found out he was already with someone, before we split.Now they live together. Travel together. Both exes are obsessed with their partners. Plus fully devoted to them.
Adults will be adults and will do what they want to do. No reason to make excuses for bad behaviors, but just know there are consequences. When someone cheats it may not be about their partner, but just their desire to have more of something else. If someone is unfulfilled in their relationship and want it to work they need to communicate. If there’s no one talking about their dissatisfaction they want it to fail so getting caught cheating is easy way out. From this post it talks about correlations, but let’s be real as an adult you know it’s wrong. Stop making excuses.
I was in a five year relationship with a guy 16 years my junior and I knew that at some point, he would start looking for someone his age. But, I was a very good looking, virile 32 year old and he was just 16 years younger than I was. Still, I provided him with my 11.5 inch cock as often as he wanted it. One evening he came to my home after a night of “working out” (he was an up and coming body builder who later went on to become a well known gay porn star). But this particular night, he was very different. His demeanor and entry into the apartment was totally unlike he usually bounded in. For starters, he didn’t hug or kiss me like he usually did (not that this was a requirement for him). He just did it and it was a nice way to be met. Nevertheless, after our usual meet and greet and dinner, things progressed as they normally did and he made dessert of my 11.5 inches. However, when I bent him over to begin tongue-fucking him, I noticed that he had ‘hicky-marks” on the crack of his ass. I asked him what that was and thinking i was stupid, he proceeded to tell me that it was a rope burn from the gym equipment. I realize that I don’t go to the gym, never felt the need to go to the gym, but I do know that there is no such equipment that caused the rope to slide into the crack of your ass. I didn’t press it, then, but he offered to come and stay over the following weekend. (This was also new, kind of like the proverbial diamond necklace from the cheating husband to his wife after getting caught the first time with the mistress.) Anyway, the weekend went as it normally did with his legs resting across my shoulders and me impaling him for a couple of hours and he sucking in my seed. When he left, I found a phone number laying in the bathroom tucked almost under the bathroom rug. It bothered me that it was there because it wasn’t mine and I wondered if the person who claimed ownership of this number was the person responsible for the ‘mark’ on my boyfriend’s ass crack. When I got to work and knew that the coast was clear, I called the number and learned more than I wanted to. For starters, the person on the other end was the ‘bf’ of my boyfriend for the last seven months. I was the person that I boyfriend was coming to take care of because I was the friend recently diagnosed with cancer. After a little more idle conversation, I disclosed that I was THE boyfriend for the last five years. And then I mentioned the ‘mark’ in his ass crack and he was quick to tell me that he put it there because it was something that he liked to do ‘to leave his mark’ on the men he has been with. So “Mike” and I devised a plan to put an end to “Andrew’s” cheating once and for all – at least with me. We both knew that “Andrew” was going to be coming to my apartment at the end of his workout so that would be where things would be revealed. “Mike” came to my apartment where he and I finally met and when we saw “Andrew” coming to the parking lot, “Mike” hid in the closet. “Andrew” came and sat down on the couch and this night he met me with his usual hug and kiss. I just dove right in and wanted to get it over with. After all, this was the night of birthday party and if it was going to be fucked up, I wanted it to be fucked up quickly. “Who is “Mike”?” I asked. “I found his number on the floor of the bathroom and I wasn’t sure if it was someone that I should be aware of, so I called him.” Andrew squirmed a little on the edge of the couch and then said, “Oh, he is Chris’s friend.” (Chris is his lesbian cousin.) Mike really was her friend who introduced these two to each other. Anyway, he continued, “He is just an asshole bastard, who won’t leave me alone. He slipped his phone number in my pants pocket at a Halloween party I went to.” “Was this the Halloween Party you went to where you wore the Power Ranger costume that I made you” I asked? “Yeah.” “Well, because I made it, I can tell you that it had no pockets, so that must have been some trick.” At this point, he was really starting to fidget and get nervous. Wanting desperately to change the subject, “Here is the birthday gift I bought you a little while ago.” He handed me the gift but I didn’t really acknowledge it. “So, who is “Mike”?” He is just a son of a bitch who won’t stop bothering me. He keeps calling my phone, wanting me to come to his house and fuck him, telling me he is going to tell everyone that I already fucked him just to cause trouble for me. I can’t stand him. I hate being around him. I didn’t like meeting him at his party with Chris and I have tried to avoid being near him. He stinks!” By this time, I could see the steam starting to come from my closet where “Mike” was hiding. He slid open the door, flew out at “Andrew” and after a short scrapple in my living room, he punched “Andrew” in the throat and said, “You didn’t think I stunk earlier when you fucked the hell out of my ass. You didn’t think I stunk when you help my face down on your chest where I put another one of my ‘marks’ on you. You didn’t mind my sucking another mark onto your ass or your back about two hours ago.” Andrew was really in a mess by this point and said, “I don’t know you, you fucker!” “Mike” reached over and ripped open “Andrew’s” shirt revealing his handiwork. “Mike” slapped “Andrew” across the face then stormed out the door, yelling as he exited, “Don’t ever come to my home again, you ni**er!” Upon hearing these words, he dropped to his knees on the floor and started to sob. “I am glad this is finally out in the open.” Not to be out done, I said, “Could you be sure to leave my apartment keys on the coffee table and here this re-gift will be waiting on the sidewalk when you get downstairs. The least you could of done was take “Mike’s” name off of it before giving it to me and lying about getting it for me.” I went into the bedroom, gathered up all of his things, walked out to the kitchen and put them all in a paper bag, then tossed them out my 9th floor window with the gift and told him that I wanted him to leave. He left but he still phoned me several times after that and then finally it stopped. It wasn’t until his ex-friend “Mike” called me and told me that he saw a video of “Andrew” in a gay porn video. I didn’t look then, have not looked now because in my mind’s eye, I felt like I would be supporting him and I didn’t want to do that. My name is Jim and this is my story.
Most gay men seem to have no moral compass, if someone wants to have sex with them, they do it, no matter what. Does it matter if they are married to a woman? Is providing the guy with a unique experience a valid excuse? It is the partner’s responsibility to be faithful or not. But it creates awkward situations when the spouse finds out or meets you. It’s a real quandary, and the easiest thing is to stay away from it. There is also the disease factor. And, of course, one should never get so intoxicated as to lose control of your behavior, not to mention your fate. The simple answer is, no, don’t do it. The tricky answer is, maybe. The complicated answer is go ahead. But be prepared, if it’s great, to be in a long-term possibly bad relationship. How will it end? What can you live with, within yourself? Is this what you want for yourself? How will it affect your self-respect? And suppose he gets a divorce and marries you. How long before he cheats on you? What would you like if you were the spouse?
And what about so-called “open relationships?” It’s a license to be greedy and have even more sex, but without being emotionally available to your lovers, and that’s not so good for them.
Everyone cheats. Drink the cum and enjoy life!!
I generally try to avoid being “the other guy”, and turn down married gents, and cheating boyfriends on the spot when I find out the truth. I know how shitty it feels to get cheated on, and I would never willingly subject another person to that.
Call me bitter or jaded but we are the sum of our life experiences. I just turned 60 and as I look back at my life of wasted years of heartbreak,betrayal, and lies I realize I never had nor will I ever have a TRUE COMMITED RELATIONSHIP. I seem to be the odd man out, I believe that ALL relationships take work ON A DAILY BASIS. Why would I put all this energy and time in an “open” relationship. Of all of my friends that are married or in long term relationships – not one would I settle for what they have. I simply can’t get passed having a partner spend all afternoon at the gym, primp,shower and douche to go out with a trick. The nutty games that gays come up with are Laughable ! I had a guy eat my ass out, suck my dick, take my load up his ass and when I went to kiss him on the lips he said ” No I’m in a relationship ” I guess a kiss is the only INTIMATE thing that can’t be compromised ! The other big joke is I know a couple that have been together a long time, when they plan a vacation they go on diets, go to the gym,whiten their teeth etc. to hopefully pick up a trick on their vacation – the rest of the year they aren’t worth the work for their partner. The really Hard Truth is that with men it’s NOT about someone Smarter,more Talented,better Looking,more Loving – IT”S JUST A DIFFERENT HOLE ,OR THE NEXT “BIG THING” ! If there is such a thing as Reincarnation – I never want to Need or Desire a man.
Being gay is no excuse for being an unfaithful piece of trash
I have a different twist. I am always the other man. I believe that I cannot commit to one guy and make him a part of my life because of my family. I was married before and have children. I don’t think they would except me moving on and having a man as a partner. They are not homophobia my any means. It just seeing there dad in love with another guy would upset them. They have gay friends and know I’m gay so I tend to date guys who are unavailable. In relationships, married not out or only in town for a short time. And it gets lonely. So being the other guy works for me.
Gay men don’t do relationships like heterosexuals do. If gay men understood that they would drop their silly girlish fantasies about love and marriage and actually find happiness.
Well said, Matt! I am of that opinion too.
When I was in a monogamous relationship, my ex dumped me for what he perceived as a chance with my straight married best friend. Not sure if he cheated on me. However I cheated once on a boyfriend a couple years later. I was young, and wasn’t having enough sex in my youthful opinion. Didn’t orgasm at all (was topping) but faked it by getting rid of the condom before he noticed. The next day I cried while admitting to my boyfriend at that time what I did. Although he kept me then, we later broke up for other reasons.
I’ve been both. It results from immaturity. Once you become secure in your manhood, you realize these are stupid games.
nice that you don’t honor free speech ! F.O. !
I’ve been both. At one time i ℹ as in an open relationship and he was only into oral sex. He knew i was getting fucked by a friend and was ok with that as he got turned on by the details.
I was in another and got dumped for the other guy.