Speak Out : Where Are You Going?


Today is a junk out day.  I guess I don’t remember when I started using language like this.  I joined a gym, I work out, I changed my diet a little bit and started getting results.  It was exciting.  At first my motivation for working out was to achieve a really hot, muscular body to gain the attention of other men with hot, muscular bodies.  This is because those same men won’t give me the time of day unless I have six pack abs or a big, worked out chest.  I thought, “I’m going to get those things and then when those guys talk to me I’m going to tell them to go spend some time playing in traffic”.  How delighted I would be to have my sweet revenge.

Of course, it didn’t really play out that way.  After I lost 50lbs and my muscles started to develop (a little, please don’t mistake me for a gym rat or some well defined athlete…yet) my motivation shifted.  I did start to gain the attention of these muscle boys as I had suspected; many of them starting up conversations with no realization that I was the same person who months earlier had tried to say hello to them only to get “I don’t talk to fatties” or “you’re not my type” and so on.  The fact that they didn’t even recognize me was infuriating.  It shouldn’t have surprised me, because we sort of accept that being shallow and vapid is part of the gay culture.  And yet, I was still filled with rage that this shallow, vapid stereotype was being directed at me.

How could they not remember me?!  I’m memorable!

At some point we just have to realize a few things about ourselves in general.  The type of gay person you see on tv shows and the type of people who get up there and speak in front of the Human Rights Campaign are not the same kind of gay person you find in your own friend circle.  Yet, these are the types of gay guys that get the most attention.  We make remarks like “I can’t believe they act like that!” but in truth, we believe it.  It’s just infuriating to us because it seems like no one cares enough to try to change it.  We let the beautiful gays be beautiful because they’re fun to look at; well, they ARE!  Our internal conflict of “I hate the way they dismiss me because I don’t have muscles” and “Oh my God look at those pecs!!!” are always at war.  There’s a bit of shallow in all of us and I don’t necessarily think that’s a bad thing.  All things in moderation, I think the saying goes.

In my community we had come to this kind of rut where everyone seemed to be having the same problems all the time.  The characters changed; boyfriends broke up and found new boyfriends, guys got new fuck buddies, the merry go round of the hook up culture spun and spun…but the problems remained the same.  I felt like there was no forward movement, but mainly I realized that it was because I wasn’t facing forward at all.  I was looking behind me, trying to find a way to get back at this guy for not going out on a date with me, or that guy for never calling me after we fucked, or that guy for never calling me after we fucked, or that guy for never calling me…well, you get the idea.  At some point I thought “I can’t make everyone stop what they’re doing and I’m not even sure it’s my place to do that”. I had to turn myself in the right direction and start moving forward on my own.  So…I did.

And wonder of wonders, I slowly began to run into people who were going in the same direction as I was.  I felt like “where did THESE gay guys come from?!” and they’d been there the whole time.  I was just facing the wrong direction and grumbling about everything I was seeing.  We can’t change our past.  We can’t always predict what is to come in the future.  But we can exist in the now and affect what is happening.  If we’re always worried about that last relationship, or that last hook up, or why James stole my boyfriend, or why Paul didn’t invite me to his party, or why Joseph has better abs than I do and why won’t his hot friends talk to me!?!?! then we’re never really going to move forward.  Usually it takes a few people to make the first few steps in order for everyone to follow suit.

I never did get to put my thumb on my nose toward all the muscle boys who didn’t recognize me.  It turns out that looking forward, none of that really matters as much as I thought it did.  So if you’re wondering why gay people are so stupid…maybe you’re facing the wrong direction.  In the wrong direction, “forward” is behind you.  Spin around; maybe what you thought was behind you was the right direction the whole time.


There are 30 comments

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  1. JW

    It could not have been said any better. We all need to grow and realize the world does not revolve around us and that we make our own destiny. Thanks for saying it in a way that others understand.

    I am who I am should be the motto that we follow and surround ourselves with others who think the same way

  2. einathens

    How much of your body do your profile pics show?
    Castigating people for not finding your former bod attractive is, to me, just as bad as using your new one to lure them in.

    Fortunately, there is no one standard of gay attractiveness, nor should there be. Did you read the responses to the previous blogpost on bears?

    I myself am about to turn fifty, and I’m on the line between beefy and fluffy. Guess who hits on me the most? Smokin’ hot boys in their early 20s. And guess what I’m looking for? A guy like me?

  3. Senza

    Precisely. The long and short of it is that you should love yourself first. Beauty comes from within. You dont need anyone’s validation. As immutable as creation itself.

  4. ARareOne

    Thank you for this article. I have been struggling with resolving my feelings as I work out and lose weight. Facing forward now!

  5. Aaron

    Einathens: I don’t show much of my body precisely because of that. I’m happy with this new body but it’s mine for me to appreciate. And if a guy dates me then he gets to appreciate it too.

  6. Al

    Being old and no longer “in shape” I find that even getting guys to talk to me is nearly impossible. This site and others certainly won’t inspire self confidence, if this is where you plan on getting it.

  7. 24Kplay

    Love yourself all else will follow, Eye candy cum and go’s however you are permanent. Shallow is as Shallow dose.

  8. rickeaston1

    its so nice and sooo refreshing to hear these type of situations being discussed..its true it can be challenging to find where you fit in and what makes you happy or even comfortable in finding your path in life…sigh…lets not give up on trying for personal fulfillment..and having a little fun(ok, a lot of fun!) along the way,,hugs to all

  9. arlibguy

    So many gay men have self-esteem issues, skinny, in-shape or otherwise.

    Also, weight loss and working out will not solve self-esteem problems.

    I agree with Senza — love yourself first and you do not need anyone’s validation.

    • blog

      arlibguy : I can approve that it will not solve your self esteem problems… We need to lear to love ourselves for who we are. Not for hope we look. Coz we’ll never be satisfied

  10. Richard

    I weighed 275 pounds in high school and was tortured everyday and no help from no one. I lost 105 pounds. How? Doctors back then in the 70s gave you diet pills. Any doctor. The weight just fell off of me. How I was treated at 275 and then at 170 amazed me. I was the same person. I still have to watch my weight. Unfortunately gay men and women suffer with issues like low self confidence. I honestly don’t know the answer to it for i suffer with depression and low self confidence too. It’s a battle everyday and at times I think it’s not worth it. But again appreciate the article. Good to hear about your life and your struggles. Show em what you’re made of.

  11. Tony15

    Finally a blog I can relate to. I consider myself a very nice guy but because I don’t have a six pack don’t find anyone looking my way. I remain positive always and hope my prince charming will come soon.

  12. R

    I read the article with no idea where it was going. It flowed nicely, honestly, easily. And it made a point, gently but clearly, that we must look within, first. It brought to life so many things we know but forget: Eleanor Roosevelt telling us that nobody can make you feel bad without your permission; Ghandi telling us to be the change we want to see in the world; a Rabbi telling us that one finger pointed at another leaves three pointed at us; me telling folks that if they alwayd are smelling something, they need to clean their own nose. The author hit the secret of life, to see what is wrong, and to change what you can: yourself, and your attitude. And it’s true, human people are attracted to human people. Everyone appreciates being seen as a whole person. I know, for sexual things, we can’t help what excites us, but if we open our eyes in general, we get amazed by who excites us, and more importantly, humbled by those we didn’t realize were excitef by us. Truly, if you are to love your neighbor as yourself, the base point is yourself. Marvellous article, that was! Thank you for integrity and insight, the first things we should look for when we say “I” .

  13. Walter

    Ok I’m going to be honest and I know i will get some nasty comments directed at me for speaking my mind, but oh well.. First off, the gay culture is very self-centered and tries to put people in a box. If you don’t fit in that box, no one will talk to you (that includes those damn gay labels; i.e bears, cubs, twinks, otters, wolves, and so on). Second “fat” people are not the only ones who get rejected cause of their size. I been rejected plenty of times on here and funny thing is if they see me out in public they want me, but can’t even remember who the hell I am. I mean do you literally talk to so many guy or click through some many profiles and reject so many people that you can’t remember them? Now us “skinny” but get rejected too and just and fyi @ 110 lbs at 38 yrs old and 5’3 tall (see for yourself on my profile on here… Bitesizetreat) anyone compare to me is fat.. Third just cause you go to the gym does not make you cute. Cause from my experience those who go to the gym are the ulgiest people inside and out. Lastly theres nothing wrong with having confindence and self esteem but when you use those “new” looks as revenge or to get what you want, you no better than your haters. You are a hater yourself now. One last thing, I fight everyday not to be labeled the typical gay male. I don’t open relationships aka cheat, nor do i claim that I’m “str8” acting or bi, don’t do drag, nor do i leave around like a human mattress. I live by a few simple words: BE THE CHANGE THAT YOU WANT & KNOW YOU WORTH… SELF explanatory

  14. sexisareligion

    I was the same way… I thought who’s gonna want to look at me in the shape I was? I lost nearly 70lbs and got in great shape just to become more attractive to the men I was attracted to myself. Well I got a wake up call the other day when I was talking (txting really) to one of my friend and asked him why wont anyone even try to make contact with me? He told me that I became intimidating because of the shape I am now. I couldn’t believe it… I laughed and told him “I just can’t win”. No one will even flirt with me but I really appreciate this site and because of it I met some great guys and some not so great. You have to take a chance sometimes that’s all. Being in great shape as lifted my self esteem and help my health so I’m making a point to shift my focus on that part, not that I’m giving up on being attractive and finding someone else who I will find attractive also, that’s why I’m at the gym 2 to 2 1/2 hours everyday, but it makes going there and taking care of myself easier and with great benefits.

  15. darryl

    Guess what guys, the aging process will hit all of us, so being your best is always sexy. Also treating others with the respect you would want, if judged by others. Attraction to certain Men is normal, but being an asshole for superficial reasons only makes you look like a good looking jerk. Guess who will be there for you when your looks fade?

  16. Janus2005

    Its part of ‘learning to let go’ of the fluff and stupidity in life. Just realizing that life is counting down and every day could be your last. Love others, help others, support others, reach out, take chances but first and foremost put your physical, mental, emotional, financial self first and be your own best friend. In the end you were born alone, you will die alone.
    Damn, i sound depressing 🙂

  17. JD

    I’m 40, I’ve also lost some weight especially around my mid section but the one thing that won’t go away is the extra skin on my lower stomach due the years of yo yo dieting, it’s not that bad compared to what I’ve seen on the internet. So I planned to get a tummy tuck to get rid of it, not because of others but because it’s something I’ve always hated. Weight lifting has made my stomach more firm but that extra stuff wont’ go away. After going to a few plastic surgeons, one secretary told me I didn’t really need it which caught me by surprise because they’re there to attract new clients. But she didn’t see me shirtless.

    I’m hesitant getting it done because it’s a risky surgery and that it’s $12,000.

    Having said all that, it’s not for anyone but me. I’m doing doing it to please others. The question I wonder is will it really make me happy? I think so but I’m scared to do it.

  18. Robert

    I have to admit that I’m guilty of staring at sexy guys, but I also know I need quality of person in my relationships, be they platonic or romantic. This is why I have surrounded myself with the people who are beautiful inside. I won’t ccomment on whether they are attractive outside or not, because it”s not what matters. Took me a while to find them, but they were worth it.

  19. mocha

    It’s all about how you feel about and carry yourself. I am 50+ good looking, well groomed brother. I have no problem attracting other mature hot men. I learned many years ago to work with what Imhave. Mathis body is not what it was years ago but it still gets the job done . Love yourself as you are and that will project from within

  20. RootsWithWings

    Very worth while article.
    Well stated.
    I hope a lot of guys read this and some lights come on.
    And I like to tell them.
    If you would stop looking for what you think you want.
    Accept what you need. You will be a lot happier with yourself and life.

  21. Steven

    I guess I’ve never understood why gay men care so much about another’s opinion of their body? If they aren’t paying your bills or otherwise holding you down, then their opinion is irrelevant. Live for yourself!

  22. Marwan Alobaidi

    Right now i have the same problem im letel chubby and when I send someone I get no answer ir get rejected I have hard time now my depression get worse I want to loos weight but its hard right now gays they don’t look what inside you they just look at your body n

  23. Hunter0500

    When I first started seeking playmates, the thing that impressed me was the large number of “less than picture perfect” guys who were eagerly seeking and actually finding playmates. Having been repeatedly shunned by the “primped preened and practically perfect” set, these guys don’t waste time attempting to connect with them. These guys don’t require a perfect set of abs or an Adonis build. They’re happy to get to know other guys like them and to form relationships that include tremendous sex. As a middle-aged guy with a less than perfect body, I now have a number of tremendous guys in my life and am having more and better playtime than I ever had when I was younger.

  24. jay

    It’s funny, when I was in my twenties, I was painfully skinny both straight women and gay men would comment on my size both negatively and positively, but I was never happy being that skinny and always wanted more bulk and muscle, fast forward to my middle age years with a typical middle aged body (something I blame on abusing weight gain supplements and living in Puerto Rico eating fatty Puerto Rican food for two years)I suddenly had a weight problem, the heaviest I’d been was 290, at 6’0, and wasn’t happy with the way I looked, on top of that, everyone felt the need to tell me how fat I was. To the present day, I am 210lbs, and happy, but not because of the weight loss, but because of introspection, I still got love,sex and attention when I was skinny, fat and medium sized.

  25. B

    Beautifully said and so well-written! Majority of us wish to deny the fact that we ARE superficial and shallow (at least to some small degree) and make excuses as to why we do or do not do certain things. Yes, it’s nice to look at a man with a chiseled body and that perfect face and smile, but I can tell you: he’s more than likely extremely ignorant and so self-absorbed that any conversation that has to do with anything other than him would be filtered out of his short-term memory and he might not even care what your name is….

    I was once told, “Honey, if you want to get yourself that ‘perfect man’, you gotta become the man that you want to be with first.” It took me a while to discover what that truly meant, and it was so simple that it was difficult: you have to make YOURSELF happy!
    Stop judging your worth based on other peoples’ perception of you. If that “gym rat” overlooks you cause you may not look like him, FORGET him! He’d probably be fun for a night, but boring the next day.

    So, please, please, PLEASE: Make YOURSELF happy first; create and maintain a relationship with you!

    Blessing and lots of love and light, all!

  26. Micah

    I used to be ‘husky.’ I would get passed over by the ‘pretty boys’ all of the time, and I’ll admit that I fantasized about losing weight and seducing them only to tell them to kick rocks at the last minute. I think that’s human nature…but I didn’t. I did lose the weight, mostly for medical reasons. I’m now 6’1″ and 152 lbs. My family remarks that I’m ‘too skinny’ but honestly, after spending my entire life up until two years ago as chronically overweight, I love how I look and I feel amazing. I honestly find myself ‘handsome’ for the first time in my life. Even though the attention from other men never came, I don’t care. I’m happy with me, and anyone who isn’t happy with me too? Well, they are the ones that can kick rocks now. 🙂

  27. Geno

    I love the way people assume that people that work out hard are shallow for wanting that level of discipline or commitment from their lovers. It isn’t just that they are attracted to that type of person, it is also that any person that has spent that much time and effort sculpting their body or staying healthy doesn’t want to have compete with a person that has no discipline or will power, or direction regarding their own health for that matter.

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