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Speak Out: Would You Be Part Of A Polycule?

Image credit: Ezra Miller’s Instagram (@imezramiller)

Over the past few years, the concept of a throuple has been popping up in mainstream culture. RuPaul’s Drag Race alum Derrick Barry famously revealed his two boyfriends on the reality show.

Ariana Grande sibling Frankie also revealed that he is in a relationship with a married gay couple. He told US Weekly that he was in a throuple with couple Mike Pophis and Daniel Sinason.

“(We’ve been dating for) almost three months, but in the gay world, it’s like five years,” he said.

Much more recently, queer performer Ezra Miller revealed in a Playboy interview that he’s part of a “polycule”, a portmanteau of “polyamorous molecule.”

“I’m trying to find queer beings who understand me as a queer being off the bat, who I make almost a familial connection with, and I feel like I’m married to them 25 lifetimes ago from the moment we meet,” the 26-year-old said. “And then they are in the squad – the polycule. And I know they’re going to love everyone else in the polycule because we’re in the polycule, and we love each other so much.”

While the concept of a throuple and a “polycule” is only now making its way into the mainstream consciousness, polyamory has been something the LGBTQ community has been aware of for quite some time.

For instance, a previous Adam4Adam blog post titled “Speak Out: Would You Agree To A Polyamorous Relationship?” drew spirited responses from you guys. User Dean Nett, for instance, revealed that he has been in several poly relationships, with one lasting for six years. User RJ also remarked that he could see himself in a polyamorous relationship, “as long as there is clear communication.”

On the other hand, Jeremy believes a polyamorous relationship is a return “to our baser instincts.” George thinks relationships like this one is “potentially opening yourself and your partners to eventual bad feelings.”

With polyamory back in the mainstream consciousness, we’d like to pose the question to you guys again. Would any of you guys be in a “polycule”? What would push you guys to be in one? Or do you think that this is something too complicated for you? Have you been in a similar arrangement previously? How did it work out? Share your comments, opinions, and stories in the comments section below! We’d love to hear from you guys!

There are 20 comments

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  1. Matt

    I am in a relationship with three other guys and it’s not just FWB. I genuinely love and adore them. At first they were aware that I was “dating” them, then two of them hooked up with each other and over time they moved in together. They then did the 3rd guy and that closed the ranks. We spend the nights with each other sometimes though rarely all four. The four of us go on vacation together as a family.

    To those who are about to play the monogamy card, monogamy is a female construct born of a time when a woman was property and needed her husband not to go with another woman and with him her financial security.

    Loving more than one person on a deep level is not only possible it is a sign of emotional confidence because extending oneself emotionally to ONE person is a massive risk, but to be that open with two or more take balls.

    • Arkham_90

      I think it varies from person to person. Sometimes it works, sometimes not. But all in all, I think that you have to be very blunt honest and open to communication to make something like this work and also would have to consider that they may have other partners besides you might have to discuss what’s the limit for everyone in that relationship. If it works for you, great! If it’s not for you, just as good. I’m bi and have a girlfriend who knows that I have and use an A4A account and she’s okay with that because I’m honest to her about it and vice versa.

    • Hunter0500

      The question makes it seem like polycules are rare and somehow full of controversy. We see profiles here regularly of couples looking for additional partners. And solo guys looking for couples.

      I have had partnered buds for years that I play with … it went beyond just sex years ago.

      As long as everyone involved is open to it, it’s all well and good.

      If you’re a “one guy guy” or an “only do hookups”, that’s all well and good, as well.

      Just always be up front and discuss what you’re seeking or willing to do.

  2. Txbro

    I’m part of one where I’m the only GAY guy and they’re STRAIGHT. They like how I blow them and it’s all on the down low. Drink some beers to make that an excuse of it I guess. Go to the ranch to check out the wire fence and then a “hey can you do what you did the last time bro”.

  3. Jockn2cbt

    I lost my virginity to a male-female couple in college. Best seven months of my life. I’m always more comfortable in a threeway or moreway and a lot more sexually confident, it takes the performance pressure off and it opens things up for just having fun. The idea of these for-life male marriages seem laughable to me. A few might make it, but within months it’s either one cheating, both cheating or it becomes an open arrangement. It’s just such an artificial construct. When some guy tells me online he’s “married”, my mind conjures the wife, the 2.3 kids and a dog. Then when I hear the word husband my eyes just roll to the back of my head. I just couldn’t see myself being hooked with one guy for the rest of my life, but I could be “monogamous” to a committed group, wouldn’t have to live together, wouldn’t have to discover all the faults and foibles of each personality, I could sleep in my own bed and snore and fart and belch to my heart’s content without someone taking all the sheets. If it were a live-in arrangement, I’d have my own separate room. I guess I’m just a “familiarity breeds contempt” kind of guy. Worry-free, unbridled sex – great, insecure monotamous maintenance of a relationship – not.

  4. Father Hennepin

    Since you only like people to agree with you, I won’t argue that these “concepts” spread like a virus. A social disease. Be true to ONE another.

  5. joe phillips

    ive actually been in 3 throuples in my lifetime one lasted for about 6 months the second our third lover lived with us, moved from another state and lived with us (me and my long term lover of over 30 yrs) for over 2 yrs. he eventually moved out after finding a single man and moved to florida from Pennsylvania. Our third,and final, throuple lasted about 3 yrs with a man that lived near us but never moved in with us. he finally broke it off when he couldnt keep to our closed relationship agreement. We would never try another poly relationship as each breakup took a lot out of us emotionally. I think in the long run it was hard on us all due to the length of time me and my original lover had been together and all of our history. thats hard for a new person to acclimate to in my opinion. I know there are people out there that can make it work but ill just stick to my now going on 39 yr relationship with the same man. In gay terms thats almost as unusual as a poly relationship anyway 🙂

  6. Rich

    Father Hennepin: The idea that someone cannot be “true” to more than one person is nonsense. Religion has forced mankind into boxes for centuries, forcing it to choose man-directed ideas of religion before humanity-based ideas. The Bible is full of man-based ideas of God. It is now time for man to get in touch with TRUE ideas of divine humanity. Let’s start with throwing out the ridiculous concept of “original sin”. God did not give man free choice to point a finger. Only a limited human-based concept of God contains judgment. Time to reject societal enforced ideas of what God wants. He only wants us to embace each other — e.g. humanity.

  7. Lever

    Yuk – what an unholy trinity – Im really tired of all the demoralizing crap – here is a Wikipedia article on :

    ” Polygamy (from Late Greek πολυγαμία, polygamía, “state of marriage to many spouses” is the practice of marrying multiple spouses. When a man is married to more than one wife at a time, sociologists call this polygyny. When a woman is married to more than one husband at a time, it is called polyandry. If a marriage includes multiple husbands and wives, it can be called a group marriage.

    In contrast, monogamy is marriage consisting of only two parties. Like “monogamy”, the term “polygamy” is often used in a de facto sense, applied regardless of whether the state recognizes the relationship. In sociobiology and zoology, researchers use polygamy in a broad sense to mean any form of multiple mating. ”

    I try to stop myself from praying to myself the future look so bleak -but cant help wondering how can the universe be infinite and have matter without something supernatural – Im afraid we will have to resurrect ourselves from the grave because a supernatural or unnatural trinity isn’t going to.

  8. Imperfect Perceptionist

    Nobody seems to be talking about the higher purpose that we are all here for. We are not separate physical entities. We are a spiritual entity temporarily inhabiting a physical presence. Because our physical presence seems real we have forgotten that once we were a spiritual entity and that we will one day return to our natural state. It is because we labor under the illusion that we are separate physical beings that all of the ills of the world flow. Only in the illusion of our separateness does the concept of us versus them exist. Once we separate ourselves into an us and a them, we then perceive that we are good and they are bad and that leads to the chaos of humanity. Until the day that we learn to see that there is no them, that they are in reality us and always have been, this world will continue to be the chaos it has always been. Our purpose can only be to learn our unique lessons to spend as little time judging others and instead spend as much time loving each other unconditionally. Our relationships with others are the situations where we must practice unconditional love and learn that we either love each other unconditionally or we are judging one another. Judging one another is a state of separation. When unconditional love is achieved (if it ever can be) we can then see that separateness is an illusion and the reality is we are a spiritual being.

    Any situation where we are learning to love another unconditionally is blessed by the universe whether that situation be two or more. Gender is part of the illusion of separation.

    • Luz Decker

      “Nobody seems to be talking about the higher purpose that we are all here for. We are not separate physical entities. We are a spiritual entity temporarily inhabiting a physical presence. Because our physical presence seems real we have forgotten that once we were a spiritual entity and that we will one day return to our natural state. It is because we labor under the illusion that we are separate physical beings that all of the ills of the world flow”

      This has always sounded nice as a concept, but this is not something founded in rigorous research and science. It is a belief that we are somehow separate from our body and joined in some unseen bond. But to state these things as fact is to hold on to concepts that have never been proven. If we state that something is true without objective proof, we can’t expect others to live by the subjective hopefulness that we are each somehow eternal. I choose to only ponder things that have some objective proof founded in rigorous scientific research through experiments that can be repeated time and time again with the same outcome. We might be beings that are separate from our bodies, but there is no proof of such a state. It seems to me a concept that is just added on to what we know about the evolution of the universe, life, and human/animal evolution.

      Why do we need to add on something that is more or less wishful thinking at this point in history?Death is part of sustaining life. Separateness is something we all experience, as we can only know for sure that we are experiencing something, and can only take it on faith that others are conscious and experiencing something as well. We can’t step out of ourselves to know for sure. But we must behave as if it is true to stay out of trouble. But to add on to this that we are one thing masquerading as 7 billion bodies and trillions of other lifeforms as well, isn’t very helpful to me. I must live as if we are all individuals until proven otherwise. And that we have a higher unseen purpose is really stretching it. We can invent a set of purposes for ourselves or others but there isn’t objective knowledge that we start off with any purpose beyond the mundane process of living as a human and reproducing more of our species. Having an unseen and sure purpose pre-supposes that there is an agent lending that purpose to us even before birth and then saying find your purpose. If it is already there inside of us, then there is no need to find it. One would just naturally fullfil that purpose. Purpose is very subjective when you step beyond the obvious purposes we have, which are multitude. We are born, we sustain our life with food, gathering knowledge, spreading that knowledge by recording it, either in text or other types of memory. Other purposes are learning so that we may survive better, reproducing to keep our species alive, learning from the past and revising the recordings as new truth comes to light. Beyond these mundanities, we must make up any other purposes we might choose to take on. Even these are based a lot in genetic, environment, upbringing, and a host of things we have no control over.

  9. johnnybeeefcakes

    This would not work for me. I was in a 25yr relationship and my partner died 2 yrs ago. I don’t like sharing my partner with anybody. I mean seriously what is the point in having a relationship if your fucking around with 2 or 3 other people, and the “open relationship “thing would not be for me. If you’re having multiple sex partners why bother having a relationship?I have become a married man magnet,but can not take a “relationship” like that seriously, it is what it is-sexand nothing more. I had 3 somes when I was single,but when I find the man I am in love with the fucking around stops..not judging,just not for me. And yes, gay men can have a committed relationship.

  10. Larry

    There is a wide diversity of sexuality in nature. We only have to be connected to Mother Earth and all her nature and wilderness to understand that some of us are born oriented to being monogamous, bisexual, heterosexual, homosexual, polyamorous and the lest goes. We all see life through a difference cultural perspective of reality. For me being polyamorous comes naturally I was born this way just as I was born homosexual. From a natural born polyamorous perspective it is not logical or natural to place all you ideals of what you want in one person because it is just not possible and should not be expected to. Jealousy and envy is just not a part of natural born polyamorous men and women’s emotion make up because as the one of the previous commentors mentioned there is basic confidence in ourselves that is unshakable. In the grand scheme of things we must come to understand as a community that is not queer or any other social label dictated to us but a natural/spiritual orientation that knows that we are all solely responsible for our personal happiness and that responsibility should never be placed on one outside of ourselves. I enjoyed reading how the men in polyamorous relationships are a full functioning family and community of love, passion, compassion, understanding, patience, insight, wisdom, courage, confidence, healing and spirit who have the intention of first loving themselves before they can love others in order to be fit to live with. Wow, my brothers there is so much to say on this subject. Feel to contact me anytime of the night and day at (646) 708-4921. I am Gentlemanspirit on A4A–Blessing–XXXXXX:)

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