Speak Out: What Does Love Mean to You?
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Often, here on Adam4Adam blog, we would talk about sex, relationships, and dating but as one of our readers pointed out: what about love? I can’t remember anymore which article it was and who among our readers commented but he said (roughly or to this effect) that he’s interested what other A4A members think about love and how they define it. Admittedly, I am curious to hear your answers, too.
Personally, I think love is an emotion/feeling that makes us want to share ourselves to our loved ones be it our time, money, or effort. We want to do things for them like cook them a meal, take them out, and buy them a present among others. We want to be with them even if it’s just to watch movies or to travel everywhere, create memories together, take care of them when they are sick, help them when they have problems. And if it’s a romantic partner—of course, we feel this desire that makes us want to have sex with them.
That being said, I think we don’t have one single definition for love because it means to us differently depending on where we are in life right now. The topic is broad, deep, and philosophical but I do think also that ancient Greeks were right about love. For them, there are seven types of love; take a look at each of them below.
- Storge or familial love. I think this is the first among the many types of love we will learn in life because it is the kind of love that we share with our family. It is called the “natural or instinctual affection, such as the love of a parent towards his/her children and vice versa.”
- Philia or brotherly love. Philia is simply friendship or the love we have for our friends.
- Agape or selfless love. Unconditional love, divine love, love for humanity, the highest form of love: charity. Agape is said to be the type of love that “involves faithfulness, commitment, and an act of the will.” It is the kind or love that makes us feel compassionate, makes us help people, connect with each other, sympathize, and give love without expecting anything in return at all.
- Ludus or playful love. Ludus—which means game in Latin—is defined as a childish, flirtatious kind of love. When people seek to have fun and have more than one partner at a time or when they are not looking for a stable relationship, it is said that their love is of the Ludic kind.
- Eros or passionate love. Eros is defined as the passionate or sexual love and what we all know today as romantic love.
- Pragma: Longstanding or Enduring Love. This is said to be the kind of love that develops between married couples as time passes by which is why it is called an everlasting love. Pragma is a mature kind of love where the couple learns true commitment and understanding; they learn to compromise, be patient, tolerate each other, and work together to strengthen and make their relationship work.
- Philautia or self-love, self-worth. Others see love of self as synonymous to selfishness and vanity but Erich Fromm—a German American psychologist and psychoanalyst—suggested that loving oneself is different from arrogance, conceit, or egoism. Fromm said that self-love means “caring about oneself and taking responsibility for oneself.” Further, Fromm argued that “in order to be able to truly love another person, a person first needs to love oneself in the way of respecting oneself and knowing oneself (e.g. being realistic and honest about one’s strengths and weaknesses.” I personally agree with Fromm and to be honest, self-love for me is the hardest kind of love to learn out of all these loves probably because we are always critical or hard on ourselves the most. And indeed, just as Fromm said, it was only when I learned to love myself that I learned to appreciate and love other people wholeheartedly.
There you go, guys, this is what love is according to the ancient Greeks! But what do you think? What, to you, is love? Also, based on the types mentioned above, which kind of love have you experienced or learned so far? Sound off in the comments section below.
In my opinion, the one mistake gay men make when it comes to love is to assume that love mandates commitment.
Commitment is a heteonormative mindset necessitated by women who were 100% dependent on men, so they needed him not to stray.
Men can separate sex for for and love rather easily. Commitment is not needed for sex and love among gay men is often ruined by commitment.
The love of my life wound up marrying my brother. I don’t want commitment and he did. My brother is always with me–slight exaggeration–and they hit it off. So while the guy gets that he can love more than one man, he needs commitment.
Furthermore, if you’re a man and I think I might be able to love you romantically, I will have sex with you to see if its worth extending love. Otherwise, enjoy the sex.
Gay men value being in love far more than they should and this “should be” world produces codependence, dysfunction, and narcissism.
I get so tired of guys being wussies about commitment. It’s not just for sex. I require us to both be financially, sexually, spiritually, emotionally, and all things required to maintain a life together. At least it’s totally obvious with gays because there’s normally not children involved. I know gays have kids too but those guys are almost always the very solid committed types.
Unfortunately commitment also has different definitions based on the person. Whether you are monogamous (just with one other guy), or any of the many versions of polygamous (3 or more people), commitment falls into different categories. To not understand that committing to someone doesn’t have to include sex or even friendships is a downfall we as a species has a problem with. A straight swinger couple friends of mine even get off on telling each other of their conquests from outside their marriage. And they consider th edmselves committed to each other. How is there love any lesser than a fully monogamous couple’s?
@Jay Thank you for your judgment and intolerance.
What’s wrong with Jay’s comment? He’s entitled to his opinions, not every gay man want an open relationship.
LOL, how many men have to tell you?
How many times you going to thank THEM for their judgment and intolerance to you? Let’s work to try to find the ONE common denominator in every one of these posts … Hmm, anybody?
I love the pic of this blog,
It means that not only, do I lust for you, specifically, but when you’re sad, I am concerned. When we inevitably disagree, I won’t say things to hurt you during our bickering. It means that I have dedicated myself to your physical, mental and Spiritual being. I except, all of you, period.
I’d love to be with both of those guys nightly!
I like the picture as well. I have feelings for a guy who is of a different “race” than me and he seems to be simpatico about it. He even suggested we get a home together. Having been in a few (several) bad relationships, I am very cautious… I love the guy and would gladly cohabitate but am cautious…
Yes, I agree there are so many definitions of love. To me, romantic love (the kind we associate most on websites like this) it’s a kind of tenderness you feel inside when you look at or think about your partner, a willingness to share physical and emotional space. The question is whether it’s possible that some people are unable to feel romantic love. I personally have some difficulties with it.
Love is a lot more than just sex between couples, be it gay, bi, or straight. When the word gay is mentioned, most people think it’s just about sex. Well it isn’t. Yes, sex is a part of love, but love involves so much more. Caring for each other, being there for him, helping each other out, sharing your up’s and downs, doing things together such as movies, travels, dinners, and yes even helping each other out financially. It is an attraction so great, that even when things go wrong, your still there for him. When your in love, things such as appearance, and differences in the way one does things, dress, mannerisms, are overlooked as you care about each other so much that your almost one. Even when your lover is sick, your there for him. When your love does something embarrassing or nasty, such as a big stinky fart in public, or making a fool of himself by something said, both laugh it off and go on. Also it’s not being embarrassed about how each other looks in the nude, or upset if a particular encounter sexually didn’t work out as one expected. If he doesn’t get a hard on, so what, There always next time.
I agree with you BJJJ 100% on what you have wrote in your reply to this blog.. Majority of gays wouldn’t know what true love is even if it hit them right in the face everyday.
Thanks for the comment Jake. Very true. Most gays and bi’s just want to hook up for sex, but me and my lover have been together almost 2 years, and gosh we get along so well. We will do just about anything for each other if we can. One time we were in the car, and yes he let out a big smelly fart. He goes, “excuse me? So what, I say, smells good to me, It’s just you, as my cock started to grow. Guys just don’t realize how loving and nice it is to be connected so close with each other. If you have read any of my other posts, you might already know that we are an interracial couple as well. Yes, he is black and I am white, and I love him for whom he is as our skin colors have nothing to do with our love for each other.
I wanna know what love is!!! I want you to show me!!!
Like = spits
Love = swallows.
Ref, “What Does Love Mean to Me.”?
Personally, I don’t know what love is. I have seen written and said at several forums, and am not convinced those individuals know what on earth they are talking about.
However, I do believe in affection for someone or some special person, and hope he/she would feel the same for you.
Whether or not you care to live with that person under the same roof, or get married according to civil society, is your choice to make.
I learned a great definition of love:
Love is when the comfort, the care and the success of another person is as important to you… as is your own.
I think its all bullshit. My primary goal on the planet is to figure out why Im here, and grasp the bigger picture of what good I can do while Im in my dash. Most gay men are incapable of anything real because of egos, expectations, other baggage they’ve been dragging around like busted luggage. When I let of the expectation that I should be in a relationship, or in love, whatever the fuck that is, I have been much happier, and more focused on my role as a responsible human on the planet. Nice pic, but the shit is rarely real.
i’m glad you ask that question because a lot of ppl. use that word to freely an loosely.
most of them have diff. thoughts an ideas of what luv is!!
for me its a bunch of things.
I believe the comment about a definition of love was mine. I’m fascinated that you went back to the Greeks.
Despite her being vilified for other reasons, my definition of love comes from Ayn Rand. Love is that emotional reaction one experiences when finding in another those things one most values in oneself. If I am ethical and find someone ethical, there will be love. If I am underhanded and meet a someone equally base, there will be love.
I have further held that there are four equalities required for love to thrive. You must be equal ethically, intellectually, spiritually, and sexually. I found all four only once in life. I married him. I have been looking since he died thirty years ago, but no one comes close.
Familial love means nothing to me. I recall far too many Sunday mornings when my mother would run back into the house to “make sure the coffeepot was unplugged” and we would be late to church. We were always late to church. The church always filled except for the few rows of pews in the front. We would have to parade all the way to the front — where everyone could see us arrive and know we were good church goers. I even heard my mother once blaming to other parishioners that my sister kept us behind despite that my sister had been sitting in the back seat waiting. I also learned early that my job was to go around and shut windows so the neighbors could not hear my parents yelling at each other. The family was only what the outside world saw, that was all that mattered. This was especially obvious when my father threw me out for being gay and was worried what other people would think. (No one cared.)
I am so disheartened every time I hear someone state that commitment or love itself doesn’t apply to gays because it is heteronormative. No, it’s human. There is not a fault in the concepts of commitment or love, there is a fault in the person who thinks they are not applicable to “queer” life.
How do I define love?
Love for me involves with another man sharing thoughts, ideas, friendship, memories, sex, time, etc. It is love that makes two together as a couple, being together all the time. Love means sharing your emotions truthfully with the other person. Love is all about communication. Communicating the needs to one another is a form of love. Love is like being a child again, looking forward to meet the other person and talk about random things such as life stories, childhood stories, memories, favorite things to do, experiences, likes and dislikes, laughing together, eating together, holding hands together. Love can mean a lot of things, but to me love is all about giving, sharing, and comforting, caring for each other. It is about reciprocating; giving and accepting what is offered regardless of how much you have given or received. It is like an unconditional love but do protect what is valuable to you such as the secrets you keep. Love is a commitment to the other person. Time, feelings, some financial, trust. Love is also about sacrificing time and effort to one another.
Is there a risk to loving another person? Yes there is a risk. Risky and dangerous because you are spending time with another person who you don’t have a clue or an idea when he’s going to leave you or dump you, ruining your life, destroying your future, breaking your heart, leaving you empty inside after all the time and effort you’ve given him. Therefore love is a waste of time because why would you want to waste your time and effort to another person where there is no guarantee you are set for life?
But love doesn’t guarantee anything. Love doesn’t promise you to be happily ever after. Love is now. Love is where you discover yourself and the other person. Love is about knowing yourself, finding out how you react to things. Love is about expanding your circle, learning and knowing each others friends. Love is about commitment. Giving and receiving. Love is something that should feel good and not afraid of what the future holds. You give everything you have to this other person and you expect the same with the other person.
The best article by far that Adam has ever posted. I’ll have to think on it but my relationship has grown from ludus into Eros and then philia before ending in pragma. I still search and enjoy ludus without Eros but I do not want that to jeopardize, nor do I confuse it with, our pragma. That (ludus) is what I seek from Adam although I’m open to an eros or philia ending.
Love, in most uses of the word is a verb, not a feeling. The symptoms you describe are side effecs of loving. Love is when a person consciously places the interests and well being of another person ahead of his own. Love is a decision for another person. Not that all love is sacrificial, but that love is capable of being sacrificial. I don’t put my life on the line for my beloved every day but if it came to it, I would. Similarly I don’t deprive myself or ignore my own interests, but if my beloved is in need I will search all that I have to find a way to help him. I also do things like if I see something awesome and want to buy it, I will buy him one first, and if I can only afford one, he gets it. I don’t do this on everything, just on things I think he would like or want. Last week was his birthday. I had put aside a chunk of money to get him a special gift. Two days before his birthday, he was robbed and the robber took almost all of his money he had set aside to pay rent. I had just gotten paid so I am going to help him with the rent so he can be secure where he is, and he is going to pay me back as he can. I don’t have the money to do this. I will be starving before next paycheck. But I trust him enough to believe that he will at least help me during a tough time, and even if he doesn’t, even if something happened which causes him to change his entire personality, I am still at his service because I have made a decision to love him for who he is, not for what he does.
Love is a verb. Not a thing, not a feeling, but an action. I like that. That’s going to have me thinking for ages. Thanks, Stephen.
I’ll tell you what it DOESN’T mean and that’s interracial shit, why do we have to look at this shit all the time?
Perhaps because not everyone is a confirmed bigot. I remember my father once saying something similar about having to look at shit about faggots all the time. One thing is definite: hatred isn’t love,
racist much? so much for equality right? nothing wrong with interracial love you jerk! you sound like those homophobes that don’t like the ‘gay shit’ either. oh but then you protest they’re being discriminatory, blah.
LOL, Did you really type that for everyone here to see? Ummm, wow
Your people are calling you [from a park in Charlottesville] … “Interracial gays CANNOT replace you”
Quick, grab your khakis and your tiki torch, you might be able to catch up to them. BTW, you don’t have to look at it, go figure!
I would call #2 Platonic love, since Plato wrote much about it, and ‘philia’ is just the ‘general love’ to the Greeks. There is also ‘Mania,’ the kind of love usually displayed in high school, “burn the candle at both ends, gotta talk every second, happy 48 hour anniversary, love” and really don’t see much of THAT here, but I do see a lot of EROS!
I’ve fallen in love 3 times. The first was pure, and just being in the same vicinity made me wildly happy and even now, as I think back to those moments, it is simple things like a drive in a car, a walk, a hike, holding hands! Yikes, that overwhelm me with joy (proof that money, gifts, riches, cannot buy you the complete satisfaction love gives you). This was beyond even sex.
The second, was when I finally accepted who I am. He was kind and supportive, gentle and loving. He told me I didn’t need to be out and he understood what I was feeling, then the first time he felt ‘less than me,’ he used the ‘not being out’ as a weapon. It’s one of the reasons I believe I feel deeply for the younger guys on here who come out in big ceremonious acts, and am tweaked by those who make it seem unnecessary to do so – I believe it’s just different for everyone, but it was done purposefully, as an act of disrespect, and it started to go down hill from there. You can’t UN-see a truth once it’s seen the light of day; while I struggled to be as ‘out’ as him, he once mentioned how much his mother had wished him to marry [someone] a woman as educated as me … when I asked when I would meet her, I was surprised to hear: “NEVER.” She had once told him, a would be minister, soldier, musician … she [his mom] would NEVER allow that sickness in her family (her fiance had a gay daughter and she ended the relationship because of that). How sad, that today she does not know that her son and her daughter BOTH have the sickness (2 out of 3)! I never pushed him on it, each day, I grew weary of the new lie, or perspective, always showing how much better he was. One day, I got a breakup text [he once told me to man up by coming out, but how does one answer a breakup text? Luckily I understood its meaning perfectly], not surprising, and though it was for the best, there is still a little hole and some pain there, but deep down I get why hating yourself [even a little] is very self-destructive. So, I hope he finds love and happiness, because I believe that self-hate was a ticking time bomb his mom instill in him as a little boy, and my response was even more perfect: I WILL ALWAYS BE HERE FOR YOU IF YOU EVER NEED ME … and I will, because THAT is what a man should do and say.
The third is on here. Accidentally met online, talked, discovered we had a lot in common, both very inexperienced, from big families, similar beliefs, the way we were raised, and our senses of humor. We both carry that pain from our last relationships. One day he asked if I had ever taken a relationship or personality test, we compared; on one we scored 96% similar another 98%! I of course had no doubt, because I could feel my attraction instantly. We have tweaked each other, but I can instantly forgive him, because I know where he is coming from, and I hope he understands me as well. Unfortunately, we are both VERY busy in our careers and that with the other stuff has led to no time to talk. I have mentioned him here before, I think about him everyday. I am sorry to say that we both deep down worry that the other is here for the quick and easy, but I swear that I am so over the thought of that. If this were a buffet, then I have had my fill in less than my first trip to the salad bar, and I am ready for my perfectly cooked steak. In one of our last talks, we agreed to take some time, to get ourselves on track, our careers, our lives, and then in the next year we will try to connect in person [we are far away, and further due to work issues]. Literally, he probably has no idea, but I think of him as my perfect butterfly – and I feel as if I try to catch him in this moment I might wipe a wing or accidentally crush him, so I am totally doing the counter-intuitive and stepping back and giving him room to fly [yeah, yeah, I know – love is a butterfly metaphor, ONLY it is!], I want him to come back to me of his own volition, and to one day tell him to read all these blogs, and to see my Easter Eggs of hidden meaning, and my efforts to love myself, my frailties, my mistakes, and when I do accept myself, I believe I will have become the best man I could be for HIM [I <3 ILMA7!}
I think love is communication at a perfect state where you and one other person can fully engage without concern as for what the other may or may not think about them even if at first it’s because they have no other outs such as someone they are looking to get together with a parents couch or extra room or just because they care but not only just that its the respect to not just do what you say you are going to I te s following through without any holdups and restrictions due to another or yourself and of which choices you make together compromising whether it’s a lil bit more or less hugging and kissing or no more refried beans cause even the damn dog from the leftovers is stinking up the place and yet within all these damn dreaded tasks we do for each other we still find the person we may not NEED 2 B O but only because we enjoy being a piece even just a fraction of their life enough to appreciate them and ourselves by gracing them with our presence.
Because, some of us are chocolate, some of us are vanilla, some of us are both, its a swirly world out here with everything in between as well. You, should start/have a blog where you don’t have to look at it ever again.