Speak Out: Would You Say You’re Disabled On Dating App?
As most of you Adam4Adam readers know, the gay dating scene is pretty competitive. There’s so many things that can disqualify you from someone’s choices that it can get understandably frustrating.
But if things are already difficult for able-bodied gay guys, it must be doubly frustrating for those with a disability. It’s another thing to consider when making a profile and looking for a date or potential partner. Even then, there’s even more considerations to make. Those with visible disabilities have no choice but to be open about it, but what about those with less visible disabilities?
For instance, you may not know a person has cerebral palsy just by looking at their profile. But since cerebral palsy is a “disorder of movement, muscle tone, or posture”, it would immediately obvious once you go on a face-to-face meeting. The same could be said for people with learning disabilities like dyslexia, or neurodivergent people living with autism or Asperger’s.
We want to know how our readers with invisible disabilities deal with this added complication to their dating life. Do you announce it immediately in your profile? Do you wait until you know the person a little better before you reveal your disability? How has being open with your disability negatively or positively impacted your dating life?
If you’ve got stories and experiences to share with us, do so in the comments section below!
I had a buddy who didn’t reveal he was in a wheelchair until his second or third message. It didn’t bother me. We had many HOT times. He really wanted a dating relationship with me. If I had been out, I would have been interested. He is now happily married, and I miss him a lot.
nice article any sites out there just for gays with disabilites ? i have real bad kness and need walking aids
My name is Jamel I’m gay man diagnosed with rare form of autism called Moe bius syndrome, a rare neurological disorder that primarily affects my muscles that control facial expression. I currently and since my birth, I has been unable to produce functional speech.
I would like to meet guy understand my difficulty with the disability
Hey. How are you
Hi Doug
It is not an easy thing to deal with. As far as having my debilitating painful disease isn’t enough, revealing it to men is a death sentence 98% of the time in the dating/hookup world!
I typically chat with people, and when I feel you’ve proven to be a good person, I let you know. It’s definitely embarrassing to have to live with something so many people judge.
I’m 38, and I live in pain in my bones daily. I walk with a cane on my great days, and I have a walker on my days that aren’t as good, a wheelchair on my totally down and excruciating days, and I spend most of my time laying in bed. It’s just the most comfortable place to be.
Revealing this to someone makes you extremely vulnerable and most people don’t want to have to deal with, or even be seen with, someone who isn’t perfect!
Any ways around this would be absolutely fantastic and certainly appreciated. Any advice or perfect cure for this would be appreciated immensely!
Personally if someone has cerebral palsy or autism etc & they don’t let me know during our messaging before we meet for a date I would be pissed of at their dishonesty & I’d prolly cancel the date then & there.
However if during the messaging they let me know I would (depending on what & how severe) not care.
And yea, for me, someone who has severe Cerebral Palsy, Autism etc I wouldn’t date.
I don’t want to be a assistant/carer for someone physically incapable & I want someone who is mentally my equal
Hey Daniel,
Do you want to go out on a date?
Before we go any further can you forward me all of your medical records since childhood. It won’t matter to me if you had your tonsils taken out if you tell me now. If I find out you were dishonest about it though I am going to end the whole thing.
Also any visible scars place let me know now so I don’t have to discover them the first time we take off clothing.
And i need your SAT scores, high school and college transcripts do I can ensure you are have the same mental function as me.
Also if this goes into a relationship, you should know that if you get sick wth the flu or god forbid in some sort of accident I don’t intend to take care of you so if that happens don’t be pissed. when I bounce.
In the meantime go to you tube and look up jack carrol. One of the funniest comedians eat 14 years old who also has cerebral palsy. And he makes crowds of people laugh their asses off ( and nobody had to warn them ahead of time and he takes care of himself)
So once you have all those items to me and anything else that you think you need to be honest about so it doesn’t upset me, we can talk about where we will go on our date.
Look forward to it.
Great Johnny..he probably didn’t get it but, I loved your reply
Hahaha. Good job johnny for writing that. I was about to write something not very nice about his comment but decided not to. I can’t believe how shallow and stupid he sounds.
Hello. But what you don’t understand is that almost ever other able-bodied person in some form of another thinks just like he thinks! My roommate and I encountered a 11 year old girl who insisted on staring at him, so we asked her no to stare at my handicapped roommate and the mother blue up at us! And went on a 25 minute Bitch fest! When she finally was ready to leave her last comment was, if my roommate doesn’t want to be stared at the he should probably shouldn’t leave the house? We never mentioned that he and I are gay! But the physical disability was all she needed to treat him and me as second class citizens! So before you question another gays feeling, try imagining just the physical without the gay? And then you would have covered just a fraction of what gay disabled Men go through!
You said nothing wrong. If he wants to date someone capable of going on a long walk/hike then he shouldn’t be criticized for it. I too feel the same way. I will not date someone who is physically incapable of doing simple things as aforementioned BUT if we were already in a relationship and it develops then yes I will stay with him.
Mentally your equal? You sound like a little prick. You know that? Just say guys with disabilities don’t interest you and go.
Not that I’m disabled but i am open minded. Years back one of the hottest and nicest guys i ever met was wheel chair bound. Not that we we did the nasty but would have.
Then again, guys are lookist until bar close. I got laid more often when i wore contacts than glasses.
People should (1) disclose and (2) not have a hissy fit if someone is therefore not interested. For some “disabled” is a deal killer and for other it is an attraction. I say cut the drama and disclose. Who we have sex with is 100% a personal choice, but not disclosing and then being told no as a precursor to bashing and bullying someone for not being tolerant, would be intolerant.
Be a big boy and put it out there and then choose not to let your feelings get hurt.
Big fucking words for someone that’s able bodied. Just put your stigma out for the world to see! Clearly you never met gay men before.
Some people also just do not want to deal with stupid questions or unnecessary comments from men they’re not interested in.
There are also people that see the disabled as unworthy of existing and others that fetishize it and might be dangerous either way. Disabled people aren’t obligated to share everything with the world.
I have COPD and wear oxygen24/7 i find it difficult to meet guys they seem scared of the oxygen wish i could meet someone who doesnt care about it come on guys the oxygen helps me breathe
I blew a guy I met on the bus. He was in one of those big electric wheelchairs. Not sure what his disability was, but he was only about 3feet tall and couldn’t walk. He had a great cock, and blew a nice load down my throat in the park on the short trip from the bus stop. Sex is sex, I guess I am not looking for a partner just a hook up, so ability or ability difference doesn’t matter to me. Let’s be honest, we are all disabled in one way or another in someone’s eyes!
If I were physically challenged I would. Absolutely. That way you weed out all of the guys right away that aren’t accepting
That’s a “no brainer” why would I go through meeting tons of men that aren’t accepting.
Go to hell, you have no clue what you would do if you were disabled. You literally have no idea what it’s like to put something as stigmatized as a physical disability out for the whole world to see.
It is really hard for me to find partners because of my disability. I have stage four kidney failure, which means I have a hard time staying hard. I love to play, but many guys do not understand or stay away from me because of my disability.
I’ve been in a wheelchair for 6 years and it’s been an interesting experience in the gay world. I don’t post my disability on my profile; for hookups I let them judge for themselves when they meet me and I’ve had great luck with that and developed great few fwbs everywhere I live. I’ve asked them if I should’ve disclosed beforehand and some said it didn’t matter and others have said they wouldn’t have come over knowing I was in a chair but after meeting and playing they’re glad we met. If I’m going on a date I will disclose that I’m in a chair. I did rather be rejected in person than online solely over a disability.
Yes,i am and did
I find it very hard to meet people in my area.. I am HIV+/Undetectable and a RBK Amputee (right below knee) I put both of them in my profile. I don’t get many people who will just say HI but notice I’ve gotten blocked by people when I notice they look at my profile, but never given me a chance to even say HI..
IT’s is frustrating to say the least.. Most the nice men live hours away..
I have clinical depression with suicidal tendencies. I’m 36 and was diagnosed on my 18th birthday. I know meds can help, but I refuse to go down that path of popping a pill(s) daily. I’ve gotten through it. Still somethings make me depressed. Gay men are too vain and selfish to open themselves up to others. I’d rather not know people who are conceded and self righteous. Don’t be afraid to be hurt. It will happen. It’s all in how you deal.
I was just wondering (considering) if I would raise that point about mental disabilities, thanks.
Yes,I would,there r alot of sexy ass disabled men in the world,I love all u guys,it not all about sex!
its right on my profile that i am disabled. i am not ashamed of it. if someone has a problem with it they are not going to message me. so filters out the ones that are not worth the effort
I was with someone a couple times years ago who was disabled. We had a great time together but I didnt care for fact that I had to help him in and out of the bed before and after we had sex. Kind of a buzz kill for me and he didnt stay or get hard without viagra.
my name is matt, what about those people who have emotional disabilities! like mood disorders
who are on disability!
I’m a bilateral amputee. I have noticed a big difference i the dating scene. I am honest with guys that message me. My profile shows me with missing legs. For some it is immediate turn off. Some say they don’t care. But in the 2 years I have been disabled, I haven’t gotten a date.
Not even a coffee date. My personality or my desire to be loved wasn’t amputated. And it certainly more difficult to make friends.
I was in an auto accident when I was a child that left me with bad scars on my body in the groin area plus I walk with a limp. I have never met a guy who was interested in me after I told them. Clothed I am above average in the looks department and that is the first thing guys comment on but even still not enough to date…hell a roll in the hay would work for me at this point in my life. I am 61 years old and hope that I don’t live long because after my family goes I will be all alone.
I would inform the other person interested during our chat that I was disabled. I want to lay it all out and let them know. Just like me with HIV undetectable, I let all know that I have it. We take it from there. Either you take me as is or move on.
someone who feels a need to lie about being disabled probably should be alone
I’m a fully able guy and I’ve met some disabled guys before. Most are nice. Some not nice like all other guys. I’d love to meet a vision impaired man. They seem so expressive and can get me going just by their voice or things they say. I’ve met some low vision guys that were very attractive as well. Dressed impeccably with really masculine mannerisms. Only problem is they are straight. I’d love to meet a low vision gay.
sex and the pursuit of sex are some of the most useless activities imaginable. better to give it up
13 years ago I had a tumor on my spine that caused permanent damage. The result is I walk with a cane. In the beginning It was hard because my self esteem had been shattered and I saw my disability in a negative light. Which caused a lot of guys to give me some patronizing excuses and 10 reasons why they really don’t have a problem with it . ((Because that would make them a shallow person)) but they can’t have sex with me. over the years I have realized; it says more about them than me. So now I tell them after I am sure we are going to meet “I walk with a cane does that freak u out ? “ if they say yes than they have wasted as much of my time as I have of theirs . If they say no then We get to have a hot and wild time
The gay dating scene is often a study in contrasts; a paradox if you will.
On the one hand, many gay men disavow and ignore stereotypes when it comes to understanding and being genuinely helpful and responsive to the needs of oppressed minorities and causes. On the other hand, when it comes to dating and hook ups, body image stereotypes reign supreme. The pursuit of the Adonis body physique (for self and others) unabashedly drives the desirability of a potential social or sexual connection.
As a gay man with a disability this conundrum serves as an artificial barrier. I am a well educated, well traveled, highly successful business professional. However, I’ve attended the same (very) gay friendly church for over a year, joined in various social groups and activities, and still the gay members of the church will not give me the time of day.
No, the world does not revolve around me. Yes, I will never have the body of an Adonis, but I am well groomed and people who know me even say I am smart, handsome and funny. Yet stereotypes re: disability abound in the gay community. When it comes to dating there seems to be a level of narcissism which (to me) seems in direct contrast to the gay community’s demonstrated capacity to be helpful, caring and kind.
The conundrum with dating apps is: If you mention you have a disability, will you attract someone who will never see (or possibly treat) you as normal? If you don’t mention you have a disability, it may be perceived as disingenuous. In colloquial terms, “You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t”.
After chatting with a guy for a while, we agreed to meet. His disability was revealed for the first time when we met at the door. Our session was fine; we both had fun and parted happily as far as I knew. I wish he had told me ahead of time some could I could have been prepared as far as addressing his physical needs. I saw him online in the months that followed, but neither of us ever reached out to meet again.
I absolutely do not announce to people that I have schizoaffective disorder. First, I’d never get laid again, and second, it’s no one’s business but mine. Some of my close friends don’t even know. There’s really no upside to disclosing and all downside.
hmm..what’s a “disability” anyhow? subjectify much? i know that guys get really pissed off when I dont disclose to them in advance that I have a 13 inch cock…..guess we all have our probs….good luck with this lame topic….
Several years ago i began messaging with a young man that had Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy. He was residing in a rehab center near me so he asked me to stop to see him. I did and spent an hour just talking to him. He expressed his frustrations sexually, because he had difficulty just masturbating. By the end of my visit,i agreed to help him and went down on him and sucked him off. He was shortly discharged from there and went to another facility. I lost track of him but think about how some people do feel like second class people due to their limitations. For some with mental health issues, the medication prevents them from getting an erection. I knew a guy like that and although i was never rewarded for my efforts, i enjoyed sucking his cock.
We are beautiful people inside and out. I am who I’m meant to be, this is me
Look out for world cause here I come. I make no apologies, this is me
“Severe Clinical Depression.” Just another one of those “silent epidemics” taking place in this, our country that is, again, in denial about. Gay-African Americans are falling in great numbers for what is especially now, undeniable reasons, I’m pretty open about that, just to gage the reactions of guys I meet. I think in general, there are many people period dealing with this condition for whatever their own reasons. I no longer, “self medicate” and never, really, take meds because of a country that is really sick, even as beautiful as it is, it could be psychologically-Spiritually healthier, in it self. There’s just too much of that going on in forms many do not realize they are falling prey to: over-eating, sexual addictions, drugs, consumerism, there are really many disabilities…
Unfortunately I won’t even disclose my true weight and age on here so hell naw I wouldn’t disclose if I was disabled. The reason is because people in general not just gay people are judgemental by nature. I deceive my age only by 8 years and my weight by 20 pounds. Not to sound the least bit conceited but what happens is once I meet guys and they see how handsome, well groomed and neat I am they are very much attracted. They when I speak and they see how intelligent, caring, warm, comical and fair I am they gravitate to me. I met many many wonderful guys on this site and have friends for life I met on here. So I wouldn’t disclose if I was handicapped because it might prevent me from meeting great people. I always say its very important to get to first base no matter how. You can’t score runs if you don’t get to first base. Then once they meet me and they don’t like me because of my hsndicap, then that’s their problem.
I have several friends with disabilities and like me, my self have a few. One has a speech impediment, and it is perfectly ok with me. And he is also HIV positive. This man is the most generous unselfish person I know. And he almost died many years ago but beat the odds and gives back to the community. Hell I wish I had 1/10 of his energy and compassion. He could probably out do most of the health people. And he could put a lot of people to shame, but doesn’t. I am a retired health care worker, due to HIV and heart problems. I might as well have leprosy, as finding a date is nie impossible. And being older doesn’t help. I loved my job helping others who can’t help them selves. So all you assholes that would not take the time out to care for others, beware karma is waiting for you. And when you have to depend on someone to feed you, give you a bath, and heaven forbid wipe your sorry shit covered ass, because you can’t do it yourself. I hope you get nurse Ratchet. And not some hot hunk of a health care worker. That would take care of you like you think you should be cared for. News flash, your not invincible, and some thing can happen to you in an instant, changing your life for ever. So think really hard about your partner, date, husband, and say would they leave me for another healthy man,and leave me alone, like I’d leave them.
This is sooooo great that A4A is posting this blog! I have a nonprofit that works with people that have disabilities and gay disabled athletes. If you would like to know more please get in touch with me.