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Speak Out: White Men Only

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Hey, guys! Earlier this year, we talked about the “BBC Only” issue but what about “white men only?” How often do you encounter the “white men only” preference in someone else’s profile? It might not happen much in Canada (or USA) but when I travel to other countries, I see that a lot in apps. How does this make you feel?

I sometimes read about other gay men’s confession of their white male fetish, how they would find them attractive and how they would readily want to have sex with them because they are white. On the other hand, I also read about how white men feel upset that they get fetishized and how, in general, the gay community “view white men” and how the community “put them into pedestal.” In spite of the “white men only” preference that others have however, it doesn’t mean they don’t suffer rejection as well. In fact, a survey conducted by FS revealed that 13.4% of their gay white men respondents did experience it.

Having said that, do you have a “white male racial fetish?” Racial fetishism, by the way, is defined as “fetishizing a person or culture belonging to a race or ethnic group that is not one’s own—therefore it involves racial/ethnic stereotyping and objectifying those bodies who are stereotyped, and at times their cultural practices.” If so, does this really mean you would only sleep with or date white men, no exceptions?

Anyway, how often do you encounter the “white men only” preference and how does this make you feel? To our white male users, do you feel upset that you get fetishized? When you get fetishized, do you feel that their interest in you is not genuine? Share with us your thoughts and stories in the comments section below.


There are 89 comments

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  1. Scott

    White male silver haired fit middle aged bottom man here. The silverhair, people either hate it or love it. I almost always hookup with black or latino guys. They fetishize the white silver hair daddy. I love it, young fit, muscular, masculine men with cocks on average way larger than white men. I am in heaven! And the white guys I hookup with, unless they are into fisting too, are a major disappointment. Sexually boring, neurotic, self absorbed narcissist for the most part. Sad but true

  2. Robin

    We see this all the time in the USA. This sort of casual racism is quite common among White men. Take a gander around A4A profiles and you’ll see all sorts of “I’m not racist BUT I’m not into Black guys / No Asians/Hispanic/Indian” or just flat out “Only into other White guys.”

    It amazes me that the article claims White men feel they have been put on a pedestal. We put ourselves on this pedestal when we ostracize other races, which we’ve been doing for decades. Racism, both blatant and casual, is just as much a part of the gay community as the rest of society.

  3. Bedlampgh

    I see this all the time here in pittsburgh on the apps. As a rule of thumb if i see bbc only or whites only or no fems. I block them. Its immediate. No questions asked. Theres a galactic difference between a preference and prejudice and most try to mask their prejudice or racism behind “preference.” I refuse to play that game. There are literally millions of other men out there without such closed minded restrictions. These sexual racists can go f*#%k themselves for all i care.

    • Exmil

      Exactly. When people cannot live without finding offense in literally every little thing about someone else, they guarantee that they will always find something to whine about or claim that victim status that they themselves AS racists always cry about, especially if they personally disagree with anothers personal preferences, it automatically becomes sexist homophobic racist etc ad nauseum.

    • Del

      How about not being into Appalachian folk music? How about not being into Viennese waltzes or German polkas? How about not being into Native American flute music? How about it?

  4. West

    Fetishism tends to lean towards the neurotic entirely. Comfort zones however should be respected as monuments of relational compatibility that serve to enable pleasant communion. To be regarded as an “object” of another’s fetishism reduces a person to an object, to safeguard with comfort zones ones ability to inter-relate is healthy and encouraged by the “need” to defend oneself from objectification?

  5. VIH-Positivo-MMG

    I am not in the least bit curious about a man just because of his skin color, even though I already do have preconceived notions about his personality based on the way he communicates. For me, grammar is more important than the color of his skin.

  6. Randy

    To be viewed as an object of someone’s sexual desire without regard to my character, abilities, talents, or accomplishments is degrading, dehumanizing, sickening,…..
    Oh hell yeah bring it on!!!!

  7. soft & fluffy

    I’m not sure if anyone is supposed to feel bad here but let me clarify .
    I live in a place where whites are outnumbered by blacks by a ratio of 4:1 and the makeup on our local a4a also more than likely reflects this fact.
    It is VERY uncommon to see a white owned profile stating ‘into whites only’ but it is very common to see a black owned profile stating ‘Brothas or blacks only need apply , no whites, not into whites, etc’

    So before all the so called racial experts who come from places where they have little interaction with other races get on their holier than thou podiums and start pontificating let me state that I only date outside of my race.

    Does that make me a racist against people of my own color ? How is it racist to have a preference for anything , whether it looks like you or it doesn’t ? FFS , it’s what YOU like .

    I don’t like oysters , am I a racist because of that ?

    • Richard

      I don’t really have a color preference, been told I’m an ageist because I prefer men my age. I think, for me it depends what I’m looking for at the time. To be real, there is this kind of primal feeling I get as black man being on my knees with a white dick in my throat. ESPECIALLY when the guy is a little rough. I can cum hands free from that. Its mostly liberal whites who see this as racist. Isn’t that ignorant type of thinking that makes people think gay/bi men are pedophiles. Like we go after Every male we see? So I guess all the single race heterosexual coues we see are racists as well right?

    • Dwight

      I have to disagree with rarely seeing Caucasian profiles stating white only . I have seen plenty . Iiving in Los Angeles I was suprised to see this as this is such a diverse state . Being African American I was raised color blind and I accept all races . I have even experienced the most racist email replies from Caucasian profiles that not only hate African Americans but Asian as well . So this discrimination applies to all races in one way or another . One cannot single out one race over another . Not only color discrimination , there is also age, weight , body type . I don’t get it and damn well don’t support it

      • soft & fluffy

        I was referring to MY location , not all of them , eh ?
        Where I am whites are in the vast minority and still , like I said , it’s very uncommon to see a white owned profile saying ‘whites only’ but common to see the opposite on black owned ones.
        Funny you make the comment about being raised ‘color blind’ . When it’s used out here by whites it totally infuriates blacks . But I agree , I only judge others on their actions and what’s in their heart , not the color of their skin . Many people seem to refuse to believe that others dislike them for things that they can in fact change easily.
        As far as the age , weight , body type thing goes are they just not preferences as well ?
        Out of curiosity , can you , do you , date anyone regardless of their age , race , body type , poor hygiene , bad teeth , extremely hairy body , acne problem and on and on ?
        If you do I glory in you spirit .

  8. Michael

    You do see it in dating sites, on craig’s list. Those looking for the same color or a total opposite color. But for me it’s like my taste in food I LOVE all flavors and colors. Like the candy “Tag line” TASTE THE RAINBOW.

  9. Wayne

    Good that’s fine with me. Most white guys only see other races as quick sex and never to be seen again. Especially if you’re older. If you one of us for now it’s because younger whites don’t want you. You’re were like them too when you were younger… rarely even looked at someone who wasn’t white. I’m not mad at you it was your choice but don’t try to change NOW.

    • Demetrius p junior

      Agree 100%. I’m totally living your post right now. Ive never gotten as much attention from white men in my entire adult gay life as I am currently. And its all from older gay white men who seem to have decided that they have to “settle” since they’re no longer able to get young white and/or other racially acceptable guys. Needless to say, I’ve gotten good at deleting messages…

  10. J. bl

    “WHITE GUYS ONLY” “ISO FIT ATTRACTIVE WHITE MAN” I see this a lot from (east) asian people in america. This mostly applies to those asians. They’re white washed and just full of it. You will not see purely asian couples hardly around, that will not satisfy them I guess. It’s white men or nothing to them. They’ll b*tch if they don’t get their white man.

    • TTQQ

      @J.BL You sound bitter. Hope you’re not one of those elderly White males chasing around young Asians that I often see. Just sad! As an Asian guy who grew up in America, I’d rather hold hands with an educated Asian, Black, Indian or Latino (there are plenty of them) than those White men who work in the hospitality industry or practically live in the gym with 2 brain cells or think they are the hottest people on earth. B*tch please! Also, most of my Asian friends feel the same way, and majority of them have Asian boyfriends. All facts. Btw, if you hardly see purely Asian couples around…..because your 2 brain cells are too busy having a conversation with each other.

    • QQTT

      @J.BL You sound bitter. Hope you’re not one of those elderly White males chasing around young Asians that I often see. Just sad! As an Asian guy who grew up in America, I’d rather hold hands with an educated Asian, Black, Indian or Latino (there are plenty of them) than those White men who work in the hospitality industry or practically live in the gym with 2 brain cells or think they are the hottest people on earth. B*tch please! Also, most of my Asian friends feel the same way, and majority of them have Asian boyfriends. All facts. Btw, if you hardly see purely Asian couples around…..because your 2 brain cells are too busy having a conversation with each other.

  11. Brad

    Bullshit. This is race baiting. You’re trying to tell people who they should be attracted to. How is this any different from straights telling us we just haven’t found the right woman? More gay bashing from uppity fags. Some people like strawberries. Some people like chocolate. Get the fuck over it and let it be. We like what we like, and it has NOTHING to do with social awareness or bigotry.

  12. Micah

    For some, this can be because of past bad (and in some cases, multiple very bad) experiences with people within the race they state not to be into. I know a few people who have had some very bad experiences with blacks, and as such, avoid them completely. It’s not a prejudice or racist view to not be sexually attracted to someone. Whether expressly stated in the profile or just blocking any who respond to an ad/profile or otherwise avoiding responding to the person of a (for lack of better phrasing) “non-preferred” class of people, the result is still the same: not hooking up with them. One saves people the time and frustration later, while the other just sets one up for it. Granted, of course, there is no possible way anyone can say they know what every member of a given race may be like, and thus excluding them can be perceived as racist, it also calls to reason if there are multiple bad experiences why one would NOT avoid a generalization by stating they do not prefer that race. I am not justifying or approving of this in one way or the other, but merely addressing a perspective that hadn’t been addressed.

  13. Chipin

    Its an objectification, pure and simple. Same as the guys who are only interested in cut/uncut, or guys over 9-inches, or hairy vs. smooth, and so on.

    Is objectification bad? Not really– if what you’re looking for is a whore (whether you pay for him or not).

    Seriously though, if the whole point of the proposed encounter is to “satisfy your base sexual need”, then by all means write your ad appropriately. Objectify your man-whore to your basest needs so you can fulfill your sexual fantasy… and move on to the next one. E.g.: seeking uncut BBC with no facial hair, shaved head, big muscles, manicured nails, perfect teeth, size-10 shoe, can top for hours, and answers to the name Homer! However, as most sex-hounds will tell you, the more specific you are, the lower the chances you’ll get off with anyone other than your favorite porn feed.

    The error in your overall thinking here is that some of you are online to find LOVE (and therefore, you find objectification offensive), and some of you are online to find SEX (pure hedonism – for which objectification is part of the fantasy-turned-reality).

    I have a simple rule: when guys say they’re looking for something I am not, I ignore them (in some cases, I actually block them). They are NOT what I’m looking for either!

    In a perfect world, there would be a site (called chip4chip.com?) that ONLY had men on it that I found attractive and where ALL of the other members found me INCREDIBLY attractive (that’s why they joined the chip4chip site, after all!).

    In the mean time, there is Adam4Adam, and they cater to people — some of whom are attracted to Chip, and some of whom are not so attracted to Chip. And I will continue to seek out the former! 🙂

    Chip

  14. Shades

    Was waa. It is what it is and it’s not going to change. People are attracted to whatever they are attracted to and it’s their preference. Call it’s racism or fetishizing all you want, but it’s not.

  15. DerekXxx

    I DO NOT agree with the premise of this blog post…sexual preferences based on race is NOT objectification nor is it some how stereotyping the other person…i thought the gay male bedroom was the last place we didnt have to deal with this pc NONSENSE.

    If someone has a racial preference for sex, thats all it is, a preference, n people shouldnt have to justify it or be attacked because of it. Relax…it means we want to make love to them, not stereotype them….dont get it twisted…

  16. Reality

    Its all a preference. Same goes for heterosexual people. You can have a preference on size shape or color. Get over it. If a guy is attracted to you he is if not there are tons that are. Not everyone is down for BB, not all are open minded to people with a std or sti, or some towards drinking or smoking. We dont see people avocating for these. Everything is not racial because people are straight forward with what they do or dont like. Every person will not always have a sexual attraction to everyone. We are all grown and have to come to this realization and accept rejection and find people who like/love what we have to offer .

  17. Jon

    I am a middle-aged white guy. I often feel discriminated against because I am not a gym rat or a young stud. That doesn’t mean that my feelings are legitimate. I discriminate against individuals who I perceive as “overweight”, whether they are white, black or other.

    On the other hand, I am very much attracted to Asian men. it is because their skin tone is tannish (sometimes) they have very little body hair (generally) and sometimes have small frame bodies.

    Does that make me a racist because of a preference? Maybe, but when I was “straight” I enjoyed blondes with big breasts. Noone called me names 40 years ago.

  18. Juantaman

    I think it really depends on why one expresses a preference. If someone says “whites only” because they don’t like Blacks, Latinos or [fill in the blank] as people, then, yeah that’s racist. But if they just aren’t attracted to Blacks or Latinos or whoever, just as some guys aren’t attracted to big guys or skinny guys or blonds or hairy guys it’s not racism – it’s a “I’m just not attracted to that look” thing. This is a hook-up site after all and attraction is subjective.

  19. Ray

    Pick up a copy of GQ and count the number of white male models. 98% of the ads feature ” white males.” The cultural aesthetic favors white males. I was a Peace Corps Volunteer and lived and worked on the Caribbean cost of Colombia. There the majority of males were black, decedents of slaves who survived ship wrecks during the height of the slave trade industry. I was able to see the ” aesthetic” in the black male’s features. I was able to see what constituted good looking or handsome from not so good looking guys. I learned an interesting lesson. In the US our culture favors white guys in adds, TV and movies, all most all aspects of our society. It’s a form of imposed prejudice.

  20. Mike

    I’m a black male and i only play with white guys that’s what I’m attracted too. Nothing against my own race I’m just not into black guys.

  21. Aaron

    I encounter the white guys only often (grindr/A4A, etc.) They usually post the “just my preference” claimer, as if that makes them look any less doucheier. Personally, I think that is there lose. Usually, it is the younger gay dudes (twinks), who honestly don’t really know what they want.

    I have also been fetishists because I am black and it annoys me to death. Normally white guys, they assume because I’m black I have a big dick. “Are you hung” is usually the first message I get. Not hey what’s up or how are you. It sickens me that i get stereotyped. I always just ignore them. I know it is a hookup site but, it does not mean I have to accept being marginalized because they assume I’m hung like a horse because of my ethnicity!!!

  22. sjohnson

    it’s just a preference!!!!!….why is that blacks mostly, or other non-whites think you a racist when they see the listing as such? same as someone old or young that to me are not attractive, hit you up saying they have a big dick!!! cause you have a big dick doesn’t mean I want yours!!!!

  23. Greg

    I am a white American, 58, and live in Los Angeles. I date Hispanic and Asian men, usually immigrants, not white or black men. The foreign look, language, and culture are particularly appealing to me.

  24. Jon

    I have seen profiles Like what Robin outlined. I think people read profiles differently, and I personally take those comments as preferences. I happen to find attraction in a man, I could care less if he was black, white, hispanic or asian. I happen to fantasize about being with a well endowed muscular black male, a small athletic Asian male, and a white male, if they are into underwear play, even better 🙂 I could go on. For me it’s what may have stirred up my excitement at the time. I say all play together nicely, who gives a shit of someone’s color.

  25. Jay

    I don’t see any issue people are into what they’re into better to be up front. People are just to sensitive now a days always looking for something to be offended by.

  26. Matt

    If it’s your preference, there’s nothing wrong with it. It’s not racist. It’s not intolerant. It’s not bigoted. It’s not wrong. It’s just a preference for some. DEAL WITH IT!

    Society needs to stop being triggered by everything.

  27. Ameircouture

    I prefer to date out of my race because I’m attracted to them. I am African American and do like dating out of my race because I like what I like. For example I wold date or be with a brown or light skin Arabic guy. I fall for the person heart not there skin. If you like what you like then like it !

    • SMDH

      I normally just read and don’t post but this comment was so ridiculous. Wow, did you actually read this before you posted. How ignorant, you state you fall for the persons heart yet you don’t give black men a chance. Another victim who’s to blind to see it.

  28. Jake

    I have never looked for just guys of my own race. Being white myself I like all races. I have never been with a black or asian guy yet but who knows it could happen. I chatted with one Latino guy for a few weeks and then we set up a date to meet and all I can say is wow. He was the first Latino I been with and let me say he is one of the nicest guys I ever met. We are very good friends and get together as often as we can for a date. So guys don’t just want to hook up with just one race there is someone out there that will make you very happy no matter what color of their skin. PS: The size of a guys penis doesn’t make the man, its whats in his heart and how he treats others.

  29. Hunter0500

    A discussion of white men in Blog that uses photos of white men predominately with each newly created Blog is humorous. The excuse “they’re pictures that our advertisers send us” has been given. Maybe we need to tell our advertisers 1) if they look through the city pages on A4A, they’ll see many members are not white and 2) “we’ve gotten feedback from members that they’d appreciate more diversity.”

    Beyond that, if a profile indicates white (or Black or Asian or Latino or fit or slim or under a certain age or over a certain age or “good looking”, etc.) I move on. Any guy who restricts contact from others based upon genetics, race, age, build or any other God-given attribute is a guy I just don’t need in my life.

  30. Nick

    I find it dumb. There are races I am not attracted to and there are people who are not attracted to my race. It has NOTHING to do with racism. I don’t find women sexually attractive, so does that make me sexist????? Don’t think so…..

  31. Bomba

    I am white and I guess if I was picking I would pick hispanic or asians cause I think they look hot to me. I would play with any color but like certain types of bodies, smooth in-shape and younger usually. Large dicks I might avoid especially if they are a top since I am not sure I could take it if it got to that.

  32. Walter

    No matter what they say, it’s still racism.. i see it all the time on here, things like into only latin & white, no white, only in blks and so on. That is racism point blank… people use the word preference to cover up the fact that they are racist.. theres a difference let me show you..

    Preference = tall, short, fat, skinny, hairy, smooth, blk hair, blue eyes, scruffy, rough, leather… all of these are preferences..

    Racist = only into (insert race[s]), not into (insert race[s]), no (insert race[s])… that’s being racist.

    Sad thing is even on A4A I get racist comments all the time and hell I’m latin.. things like i’m not latin enough (don’t know how since i’m 100% Boricua), or you look too white to be Boricua, my favorite is you don’t look latin.. all of these statements are racist, but people don’t care as long as they get their dick and ass they wanted, but do get mad when you do call them a racist.. pfft..

  33. Beefymike

    Topics like these are ridiculous… I am a white guy who happens to be more attracted to black and Latin men… some black men are only into other black men…. it’s all good, you are attracted to who you are attracted to. personally I like reading a profile that is honest and if it disqualifies me, then it saves me from wasting my time…

  34. TTQQ

    @J.BL You sound bitter. Hope you’re not one of those elderly White males chasing around young Asians that I often see. Just sad! As an Asian guy who grew up in America, I’d rather hold hands with an educated Asian, Black, Indian or Latino (there are plenty of them) than those White men who work in the hospitality industry or practically live in the gym with 2 brain cells or think they are the hottest people on earth. B*tch please! Also, most of my Asian friends feel the same way, and majority of them have Asian boyfriends. All facts. Btw, if you hardly see purely Asian couples around…..because your 2 brain cells are too busy having a conversation with each other.

  35. Terry

    Taste the Rainbow is good way to put it, personal grooming, good grammar, open minded, hwp, hairy, good heigene, mutual desires, confidence without arrogance are all vastly more important then race. Even though I must admit their is something very intriguing about doing other races, I have never done anyone from India…. I want to badly though!!!

  36. Jason

    I on occasion will have contact with someone, with a profile stating white or latin only. I am a fair skinned black man. The ignorance remains as it did 20 years ago.

  37. Micah

    There are many reasons why one may not be interested in a particular race; sometimes, this is because of repeated past negative experiences with members of a specific race. While our community is supposed to be based on inclusion, rather than exclusion, sometimes that philosophy can only go so far. If you put your hand on a flaming barbecue once (or a few times!) eventually you will realize you will get burned and avoid that experience. This is not to say that is true of every single person, but as humans, we live in generalization, whether we admit it openly or not.

  38. a

    Everyone has a right to go for what they want. Just like we have interest in men or both genders or whatever gender, one has the right to go for what they want. I dont find it racist. I do be believe though that one doesnt need to be a jerk about it. Its simple: Into: ______ whatever. Done!
    Whats the big deal? I think the guys that make the biggest deal out of this are the ones that get rejected more frequently. In which case – theres always someone for a person.

  39. latinlust69

    Ok… Yeah I prefer white guys when trying, emphasis on trying, to hook up on an app. But if I meet a person, in person, and the connection is there… There are many people who are very hot regardless of color. It’s the interaction. I’ve been skull fucked by a hot amerind. Fucked and fucked by hot Latinos (ok it was at the baths). Haven’t done an Asian except thru a gloryhole. But yeah, I prefer a haole dude, especially with a tan line. I like to find what I’m looking for in the dark.
    Let’s meet and chat. Just might get naked. Or at least unzip!

  40. Neil

    Hey what’s up guys I’m a black male 23yrs old and I only date white guys and I have my reasons why I’m not attracted to black guys enough to date or have sex with and my first experience was with this Latino it was cool and all until my next encounter with another Latino that almost sent me straight to the hospital he didn’t know wtf he was doing and barely understood me I love older white guys just my preference not cocky or anything I spread love wherever I go

  41. Dom

    People are too sensitive these days. I’m Italian and I’ve been told countless times that someone likes Italians or “do you have a big Italian cock”, blah blah.
    Im not offended, people like what they like

  42. NslashA

    Yeah, and I’m a sexist because I’m not attracted to women, huh?

    Seriously, with all the BS we have to put up with from the rest of the world do we really need to shame each other because of our sexual preferences? I’m generally not into Asian or dark skinned men sexually. This does not mean that I wouldn’t be friends with Asians or dark skinned people. People are people, and if you can hold a semi-intelligent conversation and not be a complete asshole we can probably be friends, at least from my side. I have to be physically attracted to someone to be sexually attracted to them, that’s just the way my body works. I wish I could be attracted to people for just their mind, fuck I wish I were bisexual, that just means theres more people to fuck, but sadly I’m just not built that way.

    That being said, I don’t think I’d ever put “whites only” in my profile. It does sound pretty narrow minded and exclusionary, and beyond that as a rule I’m not generally attracted to Asian or dark skinned men; but rules are made to be broken. I can’t say that I will NEVER find an asian or dark skinned man attractive, and if I did happen to find one that the feeling was mutual, I’d definitely like to see just where it’d take us, rather than let some stupid ignorant line in my profile about my general guidelines of attraction miss what could be a great opportunity, and if you go out of your way to be an asshole instating this preference as described in another post a while back where someone said “no jungle bunnies”, we it’s clear that you’re a ignorant, biggoted, Donald Trump supporter and if you were dumb enough to vote for that man, you don’t have enough IQ to wipe your ass, let alone be online.

  43. Reasonable Doubt

    Thing is, there’s a difference between racism and fetish. Fetishes, whether leather, race, or scat, to some degree, are aberrations from what most think of as “normal.” That kind of intense focus around anything could be based on a number of reasons – seeking out the most exotic/different things we never knew growing up; being turned on by taboo; manifesting a way of dealing with some kind of trauma. All that is as complex as the human brain.

    Racism, while equally complex, speaks to larger social/personal issues, even if some of us think it’s just a question of attraction. But anyone who’s ever experienced a really, truly intense orgasm with another person knows it goes beyond surface. It involves chemistry, communication, a certain amount of vulnerability – connection. Any of us can just get off, with or without another person. Maybe that’s all you want for 15 minutes. But truth is, we all seek that little bit of connection. Being reduced to a stereotype, a population of undesirables based on something we can’t control is the easiest, most negligent form of rejection any of us encounters. Yes, we all need thicker skins against life’s knocks. But being summarily judged based on surface reasons, at its best, is disheartening and disappointing, and it accumulates and spreads in ways that affect all of us: from how we feel about our right to exist within an already narrow population, to how we then treat others who may be equally or more vulnerable than we are.

    Maybe being busy is a valid excuse, and none of us wants to waste time with a sea of “uggos” knocking on our back door. But at its worst, racism is aggressive and mean – no matter how casual. It violates our sense of self because it comes at us, again, through no fault of our own. It is presumptuous for White men (or any so-called “popular” group) to feel they’re being put on a pedestal when likely they built those pedestals to begin with. When a “dominant” group controls how the media looks, or what’s fashionable or “hot,” or what is “proper” behavior, then there should be no surprise when those of us who grew up in that context see ourselves in relation to what’s considered the “ideal,” and to want to somehow reach that position, or share in that power – or even reject it in turn, which creates its own vicious imbalance. In the West, White equals “the good stuff:” prestige, righteousness, the standard by which all things are judged. And through colonialism and media, that myth has also influenced, however small, how non-White cultures have reacted. It’s easy for those in power to complain when they have the power, but they shouldn’t be surprised when those without power feel stepped on or less than. And likely, no one at the top of the food chain is going to want to give up that position, even if it would help others to do so.

    No one wants to be called a racist, or really, to be called out for being potentially wrong or bad. To that end, we’re all 5 years old. But we all see race. We’re all racists to the degree that we acknowledge our differences, and we should own that. We’re only asking for some understanding that we can all be equal and treated as such – that none of us deserves to be less than. Sure, to expect everyone to be empathetic, deep, and caring – especially on a hook-up site – is absurd. Those who are basic enough to say “_________ only” in any context, this day and age, are likely not people who are willing to truly see “others” as their equal in all things. And those who spend their lives chasing after what they think is “the best” are likely seeking validation or to fill voids with dreams and myths rather than recognize or investigate what is truly meaningful/fulfilling or satisfying – even just sexually. Anyone who would equate what doesn’t make them hard with hating a particular kind of food, is trying to justify something that they feel attacked for. But that’s the problem. None of us is a food or object.

    We feel, learn, have the ability to evolve, or to experience chemistry in ways we might never have expected. How else do you explain a guy who has a taste for blonds but suddenly can’t help how he feels when he locks eyes with that Black guy across the room; or how someone who’d only known sex with women one day sees men in a different light and feels uncomfortably hard in their jeans. A tall, skinny man can find attraction with a short, squat, fat man for reasons most of us wouldn’t think were obvious. But chemistry requires presence – of body, of mind, of awareness. None of us is perfect, even if we have some unproven idea of what perfection is. The smallest dicks I’ve ever encountered were on White men. I’ve no attraction to uncut dicks, yet half the guys I’ve been with have been so. This doesn’t mean that I compromised. It just means that life unfolds in unexpected ways. There’s a cliché that says a lot of good looking guys are actually pretty bad in bed. Because a lot of people are willing to fall at their feet, they’ve often never had to try, or learn to try. This could apply to anyone at the “top of the heap.” Whereas someone we might not find traditionally handsome has probably had to make an effort – develop techniques, know how to talk dirty like a champ, learn how to not just lay there.

    So yes, when I see “Whites only,” it does hurt. Not because of some thin skin, but because of how sad it is to think that any of us is capable of such cold, hard unfeeling dismissiveness towards others. It feels like a slight, a violation that says you’re never going to be good enough. No two people are alike – no two cocks, no two assholes, and no two “Asians/Blacks/Trans/Latinos/Whites/Native Americans/Men/whoever.” Maybe make an effort, hold a beat before you put out into the world some misguided idea that you think you know exactly anything at all when you can’t predict what life will bring you 5 minutes from now. That little bit of effort might not make you better in bed, but it certainly couldn’t hurt in making you look more sex than asshole.

    • dan alan

      I really love your post!!! You understand and articulate the complexity of the situation and pointed out a few factors that I hadn’t really thought of before. You realize the way we interact with/towards each other carries over into our future behavior with/toward another. I have experienced being the undesired one:for being black, too pretty, looking stuck up/diva-ish, too flamboyant, dressing differently, etc. I have been the desired one for those same reasons and more. I find/found that most men have a very limited range of what they’re attracted to. They seem to only be able to be attracted to one thing at a time.

  44. Rich

    I think it’s more of a culture / lifestyle thing than anything else. We naturally gravitate to those folks that we have something in common with, and in a majority of cases, skin color is one of those factors. Look at straight couples, for example. You see many more people of the same skin color in a relationship than you do of couples of different skin colors. Culture / lifestyle is a major component IMO. While I’m more than happy to work with, talk to, and socialize with people of other ethnicities, if I’m looking for something more than that, there has to be some commonalities. Since I know more black people than Asians, Latinos, or Indians, I’m going to use black people as an example. As a white guy who prefers a quiet, low key lifestyle, I’m not interested in some aspects of the lifestyle that I see black folks participating in. I’m not into hip hop blaring at ear-drum shattering volume, I don’t understand the need for conversation at the top of the lungs, nor do I “get” some of the profiles that black guys have such as “king cock” “best evah” “MasterFucker”, etc. All of this, IMO is ‘over the top’, over bearing, and has an “all eyes on me” feel to it. That’s not something I’m interested in, nor does it make me racist, it makes me disinterested. Racism requires a degree of hate based on skin color, not a dislike of a lifestyle. If a white guy participated in the above mentioned culture / lifestyle characteristics, I wouldn’t be interested in him either, despite how hot he may be.

  45. Derrick

    I love when I see guys try to unsuccessfully hide their racism under the guise of preferrence. As a southern black man I’m used to dealing with both overt and covert racism. It definitely gets exhausting, so when I see ‘white men only I’m not in the KKK it’s just my preference! I’m just not attracted to non white guys’ I block them. That way I don’t waste any energy striking up a conversation with a racist. I’m smart enough to realize that attractiveness has nothing to do with skin color (unless you are fetishizing them). Sexy comes in all shades, hotness in every hue. So even with those experiences I still hookup with white guys if the vibe is right.

  46. No Name

    I see the “No Black Men” headline a lot on White Men’s profiles here than the “White Men Only” headlines. I’m a Black Male, and I prefer to date White Men, but I get blocked a lot simply by just saying “hi” or starting a conversation. Which is very racist and sad!

    • Jim

      I’m sorry that when you contact white men, guys block you. I don’t feel that way at all. I’d love to be friends and have you as a date and partner. I am white.

  47. Nate

    I’m white. I’ve been with other races. I prefer other white guys only now AFTER MY EXPERIENCE. It’s not racist. It’s a preference

    • BJ

      I assume you had a bad experience with a black man or someone of another race or nationality. Anyone can have a bad experience with someone regardless of their race. (Unfortunate but it happens.) I had a “bad experience” with a black man many years ago, but it never changed my view of the black men. I have had encounters with both white and black men, and most everyone is on the up and up. Just to let you know, I’m white, and my best friend and lover is black, and I’d trust him with my life.

  48. Mike

    How can you call someone’s sexual/dating preference “casual racism”? It’s a personal preference, period. Just because someone prefers to have sex and only attracted to white guys doesn’t mean they are racist. Geesh! Seriously?!

  49. 55btmguy

    If I am attracted to the guy I don’t care what color his skin is and for real if they are into me and want to give me cock then color is for sure not an issue

  50. anonimatovato

    life must be so boring then, considering that there are better looking men from other cultures too. but i’m not surprised, the gay community is very much ‘white’, rarely talking about the racial
    minority experience as a gay man.

  51. Panda

    In the words of Peter Griffin… “oh my God who the hell cares?!” Fuck who you want and go about your day. Date who you want and go about your day. Americans are so annoying. Why turn EVERYTHING into a conversation about discrimination or victimhood. Just live your damn life and let people live theirs. Gheeze

  52. Lamar

    As an African Amer., it doesn’t bother me like it used to. “There’s nothing exceptional about wht-men-people, except, the fact they think they are, exceptional. They think they’re the ‘Apex’ of being, period, its the mindset of their culture.

    “There’s nothing wrong with blk people, other than the fact that most have been made to believe, there’s something wrong with them.”

    I’m tall, very tall, dark, beautifully-handsome, intelligent, masculine, these are things I inherited, so, I had nothing to do with these qualities. What counts, is that I’ve made a Spiritual-choice to have integrity, kindness, to cultivate a ‘better me’ when life tests me; reveling something about me I have left to learn, in order to be better, period.

    I am, have always been physically, attracted to wht-men, I’m adventurous, plus, I grew-up surrounded by them in the Midwest. As I and many people of color since time past, “homogenization” has absorbed ‘us’ in ways we never imagined! I realized, I was losing myself, like a small island in the middle of an ocean.

    As I have since taken a step back from the “gay-life-style”, I realized how “empty-bland”, lacking of any real Spiritual-moral fiber or integrity, way too many of wht guys are. Not to mention, so incredibly devious, not very forthright, shallow. “Range of emotion” almost seems limited, just a few basic ones, lacking in empathy, elitists.

    If, you’ve read the Bible, they really represent every sin known to man, yet, project these onto everyone else, whom does not look like them, routinely. I’m not Religious, don’t even have a Bible in my home, however I’m most certainly, a reverent man as one who is Spiritual. I’ve met and read profiles; wht-guys who brag about being irreverent-they seem to be the most enraged men you can ever run into-against life in general, really bad energy, they look really good though, physically. But you can just feel something else about them, that personally, repels-repulses me.

    I say all of this, because, as I’ve said, I’m attracted to wht-men, however as of my own growth personally, having educated myself. Rather than being “programmed” my rose-colored glasses have fallen away, to reveal some glaring realities or short-comings on higher-levels of being.
    White men, all too often feel they don’t need to be “truly-good humans-beings.”

    That is what, “who’s the fairest of them all” is all about right? The nearest thing to the holiness of Godliness, I understand the “misguided” thinking-beliefs behind that, but I so disagree about the reality of such, historically as to deeds done. Exceptionalism, clearly, does not equal white skin, but rather being good, period.

    So, I think wht men for now, can only be a fetish, because, I’m just not meeting quality, in wht-men, so, I’ve decided I too, need to grow and keep my heart mind and soul open to real love, regardless of color.

  53. YoungAndPhresh

    Embrace and respect other people’s preferences! It’s not racist, it’s being honest with what you want or don’t want. If you’re that sensitive, stay home and stay offline. The fact is you’re not perfect or desirable to everyone contrary to what you think.

    Simple!

  54. Rich

    Ask a straight guy what he saw in his future wife when he first laid eyes on her from across the room. Some will say that she’s a red head, some will say her tits, some will say she has a nice ass. Does that mean that the guy hates brunettes with small tits and too much junk in the trunk? No, it just means those type of women don’t stir his loins. Same thing here, sexual preference. Look at a gay guy who has tons of female friends in the streets but is with a man in the sheets. Is he sexist? No, it’s that women don’t stir his loins. Same thing here, sexual preference. For those who think they are so intelligent as to judge whether somebody is racist or not based on a small paragraph in a profile, grow the fuck up. The profile owner is a total stranger and you have no idea if he’s racist until you see how he treats people of other races in the streets. I get along with all of the skin colors but that doesn’t mean all of them stir my loins.

  55. NkSan

    I’m black…I only date black and could care less who want white men or what white men want…I mean, I’m more concerned with the worldwide oppression of black ppl than being denied white dick…I’ll pass anyway

  56. Tajj

    Growing up in Texas, 1 of the most racially tense and discriminatory states in the south I have just learned to some people race is all that they have to offer. When people think that objectifying a person for their race is ok it’s a turn off anyways. I once had a guy I was dating and he left his phone in my car. My instinct just said pick it up and read his grindr messages so I did. In 1 of them he told another white guy that he was “afraid of black guys”. In my mind I’m like how when you are riding in my car and I am taking you to run your damn errands. Generally speaking black is not an ethnicity,it’s a color. No one should be frowned upon based off what others friends and family thinks, and the stereotypes the media tries to portray. Cultural awareness and understanding is where change will begin. People have to get over themselves and get out of their comfort zones to learn about other cultures. I don’t allow anyone to objectify me or my body and won’t. If guys stop trying to fuck everything that has a dick or hole and look a little deeper into a person’s character, heart, morals, and influences minds will open up. Who’s to say the love of your life or perfect fuck buddy isn’t that very same race that you “don’t like”, “don’t prefer”, or are “allergic to” all of which I have come across on various profiles on A4A and Grindr.

  57. Bernard

    I think this is such a big problem because we expect a lot from each other as people who live an “Alternative lifestyle”. I mean in a sense I can understand. Here we are fighting for gay rights and marriage and equal treatment when inside of the community there’s a lack of general unity.
    I do believe there is preferences. However I also believe there is a such thing as racism just as much as there is ignorance and hate. Not to mention self-loathing because there ARE people who would not sleep or date within their same race because of insecurities.

    I feel like there’s a lot of finger pointing in the community. The most important thing to realize and to stop doing is separating ourselves from society as some sorta special group and realize that we have flaws and issues too. Otherwise it will remain a mirage and these topics will continue to contradict what we show people at gay parade will still fester and become more of a problem…I guess.

  58. Mark

    I prefer white men because that is what turns me on. I am not racist at all. I am Hispanic and liking white men is just a preference/an attraction that I can not ignore. No pedestal for sure. I also have races that I am not attracted to because I am simply not attracted to them. No personal reasons, just not attracted. And there are al ways exceptions. I like light skin and I like blue eyes, bit doesn’t mean I never find others attractive. I have been with men of different races, but can’t help my preferences. I do not like uncut cock, does that make me prejudice against that? lol , NO!!!!!! Just turns me off and again, always exceptions. I am cut and brown eyed. skin is not real light, but not close to dark. My partners have all been white.

  59. Ben

    “White Men Only”? You mean like “No Coloreds Allowed”? Yeah they’re both racist. Rejecting anyone on a single sweeping basis red hair, black skin, left-handed, is prejudice.


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