Speak Out: Does Monogamy Work For You?
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Adam4Adam is a dating/hookup site, so we can agree that all of us here are looking for a connection, at the very least. But is the connection we’re looking for just for right now or for forever?
In a recent photo gallery on The Advocate, writer and blogger Alexander Cheves outlines all the reasons why monogamy is not for him. Some of the reasons come off as pretty compelling, depending on how well your relationship is going on right now.
One of the reasons Cheves mentions is the fact that no one person can satisfy all the sexual needs of their partner. In fact, he points out that expecting it out of your partner can be taxing. He writes, “To expect anyone to satisfy me in every sexual capacity I like would be insane. It would be an enormous amount of pressure on him to perform like a superman, and it would be pressure on me to like what he delivers (or pretend that I do) in order for our relationship to survive.”
Cheves even argues that a non-monogamous relationship might even be a better relationship overall. Explaining to your partner that you want to be in a non-monogamous relationship requires a lot of honesty and communication, traits which he says are needed for any relationship to work.
Of course, Adam4Adam readers are split on this. In a previous post on polyamory, reader RJ echoes the same points Cheves raises, saying “Yes, I could see myself in a polyamorous relationship. I am not a jealous lover, as long as there is clear communication.” While reader Jeff says “Having a REAL relationship these days with one man can be hard enough. Doubling up on that – i’m not so sure.”
With Cheves’ article as a jump off point, we wanted to know what Adam4Adam readers think. Does monogamy work for you? How do you make it work? And if it doesn’t, what kind of relationships are you in? Share your thoughts with us in the comments section below!
The issue comes down to sacrifice and loyalty. Obviously one man (or woman) cannot sexually satisfy you in every single way. But for one, a dedicated relationship isn’t just about sex, and two, neither can anyone else. Gay men need to understand that there’s ALWAYS going to be another person who can satisfy you in a way that your partner can’t–whether that be sexually or not. It’s with this understanding, however, that we learn to let go of all the “possibilities” so that we can focus on building meaningful bonds.
Life isn’t, and won’t ever be about “feeling good” all the time. Trying to pursue this and make everything perfect is exactly why zillions of men before us have died unhappily. Sacrificing an unrealistic expectation now and then isn’t the end of the world. And if it is, then something is wrong. Learn to let go.
As Mark Twain said, “Continued progress is better than delayed perfection.”
So beautifully put! This is perfect.
Totally tunnel vision Cheves is looking at the sexual side of the,” relationship” when did having your sexual fantasies fulfilled become a relationship. When did genetics become a part in whether or not your going to be faithful or without moral boundaries if you need multiple sexual partners to feel your in a fulfilling relationship then there’s something very misguided and undiscovered within those individuals.
This notion that it’s okay to go outside of your relationship for sex seems absurd to me. Also the notion that it’s okay to go outside the relationship because no one person can be expected to satisfy all of the needs of his/her partner is crazy. Any such relationship where partners are going outside the relationship for sexual satisfaction is doomed to fail for several reasons, (a) it’s based on unrealistic expectations . . . No one person should ever be expected to satisfy your every desire – that’s not how the world works. You have to give up a few things to gain a few things and this is one of the problems with relationships these days . . . People expect the world (i.e., my every sexual desire shall be fulfilled) and not to have to give up very much to get it . . .
(b) Where there’s smoke, there’s fire! If there’s one unrealistic expectation (i.e., it’s okay to go outside my relationship for sex so that my every sexual need can be fulfilled), then U can bet there are other unrealistic expectations at play. And rather than exercise these unrealistic expectations, it’s best to work around them and adjust (within the relationship) to the best of your ability and realize that it may not be EVERYTHING, but it’s safe, sound and secure.
It may at first, more a few weeks, months, years, but not forever. Humans aren’t designed to be with one person their whole lives. Marriage and monogamy is something we socially created. Sexually, we get bored with the same person after an extended period of time. And I think the gay community is the best example for this. It really portrays the true sexual desire of men. Mentally, we get comfortable and used to someone which may mean we love someone but lets face it. People cheat all the time. Rather they are open about it or do it behind their partners back. It’s a fact of humans. We seek sexual satisfaction. There may be a small percentage of couple who can pull it off but 90% of people can’t and won’t. I think people act in the moment and marry or build a long term relationship but we all know it won’t last forever.
You are 100 percent right.
I came to the joys of gay sex relatively late in life so monogamous relationship just would not work for me. I want and I need to sample the pleasures of different men while I can.
I’m in the same situation. I have several FWB’s but still love a sweaty hookup. Gay sex is so hot – I missed out a lot for so many years.
I met my dream guy in 2005 on manhunt and he lived in another city. We chatted for 6 months before meeting and he was Mr. Right! From the get go I expressed that I wanted an open relationship and he exploded. I explained my reasons and that my first bf had wanted a monogamous relationship yet I had been played the fool. My father and grandfather had cheated on my mom and grandma etc. I had observed, knew and was friends with some gay couples in open relationships that had been together for over 15 yrs. He wouldn’t even give it a second thought and was told that he’d never cheat on me. That was in 2005 and we married in 2008 in CA. Our lives, our marriage and our sexual intimacy was remarkable! We would have three ways from time to time and never had any issues unless the third paid too much attention to me and not him. Fast forward to 2013 and while at a friend’s wedding in DC my husband would not get off his phone during dinner, which is rude. Playfully, I snatched it away and asked what he was pinning or candy crushing….it was neither. What I saw was a profile on a popular “unshaven woofy” app. I asked why he was on it and that I wanted it on my phone too. No big deal, right? Once back home I was telling a fellow hairstylist at the salon about what had happened. He informed me that if you’re a paid member that you can see past conversations. M (husband) had told me he had just downloaded it while in DC. Ha, once I paid the membership, I was stunned, shocked, pissed off and hurt to find that he’d had the app since 2011. Up until our trip to D.C., the correspondence never mentioned me, showed pics of me and most of the conversations when reading them would make one presume that there was or had been a hookup. I confronted him in a calmly manner and he looked like a deer caught in headlights. I was told it was more like role play and to not worry about it. Needless to say, I didn’t take his advice. It only prompted me to investigate more. From 2013 to 2015 things went from heavenly to downright pure hell! I noticed our intimacy was terribly lacking. Rarely wold there be sex unless he found a third. On several occasions I found suspicious things and tell tale signs that he’d had someone over. I approached the open relationship thing again and he was irate. Absolutely not, nothing was going on, I was crazy and I was his only true love. The final straw was when I found out that a friend of ours and him were having a swell time when I wasn’t around. I had my suspicions but was told by both that I was crazy. There had been a weekend when I took M out on two dates, trying to woo him and be all romantic and maybe would get us some naked hubby time. Nope! On the morning after our weekend I began crying while eating my cereal and he became irritated asking me what I was crying about now. I told him that I felt our marriage was falling apart. He became enraged and said I needed to stop with all this bullshit and crazy thoughts. I went to work and tried contacting him all day….nothing. When I got home he’d already left for work and things were oddly noticeable and not the way they’d been that morning. He didn’t want to talk when he got home. Ends up he and this friend had a full on messaging party all weekend about what they’d be doing on Tuesday while I was at work. Things that were derogatory about me is what hurt the most while I read the banter between the two of them (keep in mind while they were heehawing about how annoying I was, I was trying to woo my hubby on awesome dates and dinners). I kicked him out then and there and that was 2.5 yrs ago. I’m not ready for a relationship and not sure when if ever I will be. I do know that if I were to find another man, that relationship must be an open one. That way going into it no one ends up being lied to, no one ends up being played the fool! It’s happened to me twice now and there will not be a third.
This is the obvious nightmare I hope I’ll never endure. We considered an open relationship or adding spice but neither of us wanted to risk weakening the bond we had. Completely effortless, beautiful, and special was us until he passed away in 2015. Re-entry has been horrific and now I’m faced with a world where monogamy has almost evaporated.
absolutely. had the same thing happen to me in which i was the honest one trying to make our relationship work by opening it up because the intimacy had died towards the end of our relationship. we were together for fourteen years and it was an understood secret that each of us would sometimes dally on the side. i thought it would help if we would just be honest and set ground rules for how we would allow each other to have sex with others without us hurting each other’s feelings. yet, he would become angry anytime i broached the subject. i tried for two years to do everything possible to make him see that opening our relationship was not a bad thing. i took us to a gay camp where there were many open relationships of all sorts with different rules. i took us to a bathhouse to demystify extramarital sex. i took us to a couples counselor. throughout it all he responded with anger, frustration, walling, etc. meanwhile, come to find out, he had been having an affair for two years with a mutual friend. i had always known that they fooled around occasionally but i assumed it was a very casual and sporadic thing. no, it was a full blown affair. what hurt the most was the brazen lying from the both of them and the way they made fun of me like mean girls (in hindsight, i could tell) when all along i just thought it was friendly cattiness. my lesson from all this is that, yes, people would rather cheat and lie than face the honest truth that outside sex is a valid need. it’s like someone in the closet struggling to accept that they are gay is how i see it. so give me someone that is honest about open sex but that is loyal to me just as i am to him. i can have sex with all the men in the world but i am loyal to only one and he is the one that i would give up my life for. thankfully, i have that person now and we’ve been together for twelve years!
There is something to be said for sexual openness. Especially among gay guys, being open to more and getting some on the side is probably helpful for all the reasons that article has.
Then again, there is a fine line between sexual and emotional intimacy. and emotional intimacy with multiple people would result in far more fraught problems and a much more complex relationship. Ideally I’d like my main man, with a few friends I can have a standing friendship with and occasional sex with, and maybe an occasional weird aside with my husband’s permission. ideal world
Monogamy sounds terrible, just the very word is frightening, sounds like something you should have lazered off your body, if anyone talks about monogamy I typically ask them to leave my house or pick another topic, my partner and I have been together for 22 years in an open relationship, it works well for us, no need to go into the multitude of details of our sexual adventures or the general parameters of our own personal relationship, even in an open relationship forgiveness is equally important, we all make mistakes at times, love forgives even when is not easy, love gets busy and moves forward together leaving the mistake in the past, I also want my partner to experience much pleasure in life, creature comforts, great foods, relaxing adventure, a myriad sexual encounters, etc. I am not so selfish as to think no one can pleasure him… Enjoy Enjoy Enjoy!!!
People are saying he’s focusing only on sex? Because sex is an impoetant component. For us monogomy won’t work. I agree with his statement that one person cannot fullfil every sexual need lf another. As far as those complaining he’s only tunnel visioned? If we look at other areas of a relationship – friendship, companionship, understanding – we seek outside of the relationship to fullfil these needs don’t we? That’s why we have friends, neighbors, coworkers, etc. And stating that we should have moral boundaries? As in? I’m sorry but society made the say called monogomy boundaries and society also says it’s weong to be gay in many cases. F society and their “moral boundaries”. Peace.
sex isn’t a need; it’s a desire
I have no problem with 3 ways. Though the sex should be more compatible and not something that needs another person to spice things up.
Also, I believe in the 1 time rule otherwise it becomes in affair.
adam 4 adam is not a dating site, its a hookup site, duh!
Maybe for you, but we get messages every week from users thanking us because they met their husband, partner, boyfriend on A4A. A4A is what you make of it I think:)
You have to have a honest realistic agreement conversation with your partner.
make sure your both on the same page mindset to make things work.
Maybe a good idea is to have that conversation BEFORE partnering with someone??
a better question is does it work for you partner
First of all, I really like some of the previous replies I’ve read on here, ’cause I agree with them. I think once you grow-up or mature a bit, there’s what’s important in a relationship that’s going to have some longevity. Obviously, sexually, you should with each other be at least 75-85% compatible, this should be established, then there’s being “open enough to negotiate” the rest, or “give it the old college try” what there is of the rest that you want from each other. If by chance, that remaining percentage isn’t possible with each other, than as it has been said, “give it up,” its not the “main-body” of your sexual desires after all. And then, there’s everything else you have in common that your ‘union’ is built on.
I was in a monogamous relationship for 10 years with my previous partner. I never cheated, but he was very jealous. It got to the point that it was obvious he wanted nothing to do with me sexually, but did not want anyone else to play with me either. After a year of jacking off only, I had enough of the accusations and threw him out. Then met my current partner 6 months later. Knowing about my last partner, he insisted I see other guys for a little fun. We had great sex together and talked about any other guys we played with. I felt guilty at first, until I realized how well the openness worked for us. We’ve been together almost 7 years now. At one point, due to his surgery, I could not fuck him for almost a year. Luckily we were cool with seeing others, so it wasn’t that big of a deal. Then last year I had some health issues and had basically no sexual desire for months. He was able to get his “needs” met, without hurting my feelings. We love each other deeply and are planning on getting married in November. We both see other guys for sexual fun and intend to continue that practice after we are married. I realize this does not work for a lot of people, but it does for us.
There our community goes again basing the entire relationship on sex rather than the connection of two people. Why must our community sexualize everything? I see SOME guys (not all) in their 20s and 30s dealing with this and then I see the 40-60 year olds whining about wanting more than sex so obviously one is not more important than the other at the end of the day.
I know two couples who have been together 15 and 20 years. In is totally monogamous. The other plays separately and jointly.
As varied as guys are when it comes to height, weight, top/bottom/versatile, race, ethnicity, relgion, dominant/submissive, etc., how their relationships will be structured will vary as well. From monogamous to one-time hookups, the spectrum is broad and no one can expect that what their relationship desires are should be applied to all.
Personally, I like having a handful of quality men in my life. And from time to time I hit guys up as possible additions to the “herd.” I couldn’t see myself currently being able to honestly agree to entering into a Mr. Once and For All Forever relationship. I’m clear with guys when the topic comes up. So far, less than 5% of the guys I’ve ever met have been seeking monogamy. Good for them if they are! And they should stick to their guns about it.
At this stage of my life I have no desire for a long term monogamous relationship.
#enjoyingbeingsingle.
Dimwits will say what dimwits want to say, but psychologically speaking, studies show that men are not programmed to be monogamous. Monogamy is a gynocentric idea because in times when the man was the provider, women needed him not to take his sperm nozzle to another hole because doing so would mean she would be out of resources. Monogamy is an archaic concept. Why shouldn’t people be able to experience more than one partner?
I think with my brain and heart, not with my penis. There’s more to life than sex. If you spend your time chasing the next conquest, you end up lonely, bitter, and isolated.
If people enjoy that, more power, but this notation that monogamous relationships (especially for gays) is antiquated or fading isn’t true for more people than we realize.
That would require me to get a date first.
I feel like different strokes for different folks but I hate ppl saying men can’t be monogamy … they use that as an excuse to fuck around with out feeling guilty … if u are into open relationships then fine but don’t knock a person who is monogamous … the problem with the world is we are constantly trying to force our views and opinions on others
I honestly believe monogamy to be a fantasy. While even I dream of only needing one guy to make me feel complete, me and my husband are in an open relationship because we realize that sex is only part of our relationship. He knows that my upbringing from a hypersexual yet abusive mother shaped my views as a person.
We have also talked about moving from the status of open relationship polyamorous to finding a third partner to make a polyfidelitous relationship. In the end, it’s whatever works for you and your partner(s)/boyfriend(s) is what works for you. If you aren’t being harmed from someone else’s dating/sexual practices, then you shouldn’t judge them.
I can’t share, and I won’t share. I am as jealous as they come, and I’ve seen far too many people in a monogamous relationship work through their issues, keep their sex lives strong, and love each other for years and years. I’m not so sex crazed that I need it every day, and if I’ve decided to be with someone he’s already proven that he can fulfill my every need, whatever that may be, sexually or otherwise.
That being said!! I applaud anyone that can be in a polygamous relationship. More power to you! I find it so interesting and I think it’s very beautiful. Just not for me.
And open relationships? Good job if you can make that work too. While single I’ve had a blast with many men in open relationships. The trust and communicate is always wonderfully strong. Again, just not for me personally.
Honestly its time that people learn the difference between “Love” and sex. There need not be an unbreakable bond between the two. I will say that in this day and age it is just so easy to upset some one with a word or concept that it takes an extraordinary couple to survive an open relationship. Communication may be key, and today people communicate less in a one on one atmosphere than where they seem comfortable on Social Media. My partner and I have been together 28 years and yes, in an open relationship. We have played together and seperately. We have had three ways and four ways. Interestingly enough, one couple we were with; whose idea it was to play all together; both got jealous of each others play with my partner and myself. If they didn’t think they could handle it, why would you? Obviously they did not communicate their feelings prior to the “planned” encounter. It’s not for everyone and the way to find out is to have an honest discussion about the subject.