Love : Perseverance Pays, This is The Proof!

More often than not, we gay men use dating apps and websites as sex butlers. They seek and filter men of all shapes and sizes for our viewing (or otherwise) pleasure. And ya know what? They’re good at it.

That’s not all they can do, though. I’m living proof, and below is my story.

A little over six years ago, I was in a pseudo (and quite unfulfilling) relationship that had hit a wall. Seeing the inevitability, I chose to move on and start dating again. Playing the odds, I was on several apps and websites, but Adam4Adam had been my go-to for quite a while and soon enough, it paid off.

After chatting with a long-haired bisexual guy with a strong chin and big smile, I decided to meet up with him for dinner. We arrived at different restaurants by accident, and while I waited, I watched every man of roughly the right age walk in, wondering if that one was him. “Oh god, I hope that one isn’t him. I could see it as him, but the pictures would’ve been misleading.” Twenty minutes of analysis and anxiety followed.

Dan showed up and, in a pleasant twist, he was far better looking in person. After a great conversation on shoes, philosophers, and everything in between, we said goodnight. Looking back, Dan said he was confused and thought I wasn’t into him, seeing as I didn’t end up face first, ass up in his bed that night. He was wrong.

Things started slowly, as he wasn’t out of the closet and I was working through letting go of the previous relationship. This forced us to bond as friends first and I’ve never been more thankful for anything in my life. Nine months later, on June 11th, we made our relationship official. Fast forward nearly four years and we had a beautiful, sexually open relationship that was built on honesty and our immense intellectual bond. Adam4Adam continued to be part of our relationship, as we’d often meet others (or bring them into the bedroom as a third).

Having mentioned the “M” word regularly, we finally saw our opportunity. On June 26th, 2015, the Supreme Court finally legally recognized the life we sought and on that very same day, Dan took a knee and proposed in front of a rainbow-lit White House. The word “magical” has never felt so impotent.

Less than a year later, five years to the day that we began dating, Dan and I were married at a winery overlooking the Chesapeake Bay. Surrounded by friends and family, I had finally persevered enough to find my future. Dan and I have never argued. We have never held resentment. We have never faltered. To describe our relationship in a word, it is perfect.

This journey began because I put a photo on Adam4Adam, wrote some witty headline, and struggled to find the words to describe myself. The process often feels empty, intimidating, or frustrating. I hope now you can see, though, that Adam4Adam opens up as many opportunities as you take and that every now and then, writing that bio line and filling in your stats can pay off in so much more beautiful a way than you might imagine.

Kurt Wirth

There are 59 comments

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  1. Steven

    Was all happy to hear this story. It kinda made me look to the future. Right until he said sexually open relationship. Like damn I guess there is no gay relationship unless it’s sexually open. Saddening really.

    • Kurt Wirth

      (A) Why does us being sexually open make this less relevant? (B) Why does the decision we make with our relationship have any bearing on yours, or all “gay relationships”? (C) How, in any way, is this saddening? We’re both happier than we’ve ever been – how is that saddening?

      Leave your societal expectations at the door. You are a member of a minority, after all.

    • Jose

      No, a gay relationship can be respectful without third in the relationship (that is nasty and commom in the gay relationship, it keeps the stereotype on about gay people). You can build a good and long relationship without promiscuity or crazyness. A lot of garbage outside, but still a few good here and there.

    • anonimatovato

      They do exist, but it’s not mainstream enough according to the gay community. I’ve known married couples very traditional, none of that open relationship stuff.

      I do however applaud A4A for including a Bisexual man (with long hair for that matter) in the mix.

      • Kurt Wirth

        I’m very sad to see this comment thread. I hope that you open your minds eventually and don’t find it necessary to troll a couple talking about their happiness.

        • Dave

          I Agree with you Kurt! Some guys think that gay marriage has to be exactly like straight marriage…
          I personally think that everybody can choose whatever they want, monogamous, open, triple, whatever they want. Who are we to judge what makes others happy?
          Dave (A4A)

  2. Adam410years

    When will you guys do a story telling the reality of the black man on these white minded apps? You know the guys who feel ur good enough to fulfill their BBC fantasies or their taboo tells of wanting to be f’d by a *Censored but no not in a million years can we date because a black man isnt your type. What’s sick and sad is I don’t change my photos or use whitewashed filters but go from black to mixed to other and my inbox is jumping with jackass looking to be jacked off. Never mind u found the guy in the photos sexy but if he’s black and sexy he’s only good for his manhood. I’ve been harassed and “warned” by the admin and it boggles my mind that the option i have is to simply delete my account because it’s clear I’m not wanted to play in this pond.

    • Kurt Wirth

      I’m sorry you had that experience. I’m also sorry you felt the story of Dan and my’s love the appropriate place to vent your frustrations. I hope you find happiness.

      • Adam410years

        Mike dear do us a favor and try to love more. Ur hate is showing delegating my account takes me away from one pool of shit only to have that same pool pop up rebranded as “insert alternative meeting means for queer men”
        Kurt. You need to evalauate all the holes in your “magical” marriage. You posted and the reply button was below. Why did I reply? Because I just saw this “story” and wanted to know when will our real allies come forward with a story of how many of your brothers are the problem and you don’t see there being a problem is even more to add to the problem.

      • Adam410years

        It’s so interesting how everyone has bowling balls for nuts online. I’d love the chance to unmask u klansboys in public. God knows how many BBC you’ve called a nigger behind his back or u simply said no I don’t do “nigger dick.”

      • Adam410years

        It’s so interesting how everyone has bowling balls for nuts online. I’d love the chance to unmask u klansboys in public. God knows how many BBC you’ve called a nigger behind his back or u simply said no I don’t do “nigger dick.”

    • Beingme

      Yyyeeeeesssssssssss my first boyfriend was a white male. Because i prefer white men over others its hard to find someone thats willing to even talk to a black person… Let alone a person of color……. I kinda want to cry sometimes because it hurts to think this COMMUNITY that is about acceptance isnt too accepting… To feel your ugly or unwanted or sterotyped for how you look. Not all responses are negative some have even ended in dates. Or friendship. Bit a majority is no response or immediate block. Or again im a btm whos now willing to pound a hole relentlessly…. Idk i just stay hopeful.

    • Bkl83

      The gay ‘community’ is incredibly racist, superficial, and narcissistic. Look at the responses to your comment. Even the author of this blog had to reassert being the center of attention. How dare you, another gay man, talk about your own experiences.

      Look, I’m proud of being black. And don’t let these hypocrites put you down because you don’t fall for their exclusive, white, gay male agenda. YOU have value. You have appeal. You are not some bbc fetish. Let them be insecure. When their “perfect” open marriages fall apart, you’ll be all the more wiser.

      • Kurt Wirth

        I’m sorry you took my comment that way, and I agree – everyone deserves validity and love.

        Please, though, do not be disrespectful. If it is equality and love that you strive for, don’t denigrate others’ happiness.

        • Bkl83

          That’s funny. I see a handful of comments above me calling black men idiots and openly mocking us. These were posted long before my comments, too. You didn’t tell those men to be “respectful” and strive for love and equality. You willfully ignored them. Now you’re trying to act all patronizing? Lol.
          Thanks for proving my point.

  3. Solace Winthrop

    As touching as this sounds, it plays into those non traditional stereotypes of gays not holding to monogamous relationship archetypes. Yet again we come across a relationship that highlights an open style of relationship.

    Whatever happened to a 1 on 1 platform of love. Sounds to me like two who may love each other but still want to play the field.

    • Kurt Wirth

      And this comment sounds to me like someone who is unnecessarily trapped by ancient expectations and are judging others based upon that. Why be negative when the story is about love?

      • Pera

        Nothing wrong with ancient expectations if it works beautifully. This is typical what marriage is all about. Being exclusive to one partner. The marriages from friends that i know and family, exclusivity is the expectation. They would never want their spouse to be with anyone else.
        So your relationship is the stereotypical gay relationship, not saying it doesn’t work well with you but it’s not marriage. This is mainly why i’m opposed to Same-sex marriage with gay men precisely because of our whoredom.

  4. Matt

    But if its a real marriage, do you still bring in outsiders? I understand that gay marriage is not a ‘traditional’ marriage in the typical sense, but come on. If you bring in others, wether its agreed upon or not, is still not being faithful to the other. If that’s what works for you then congratulations on maintaining an on going open relationship. But no real marriage involves outside parties. Sorry, it’s a strong opinion and I will always stick by it. Folks, if you still want to play with others, make sure you stat out of the courthouse/church.

    • Kurt Wirth

      This comment is mind-bogglingly dense to the point of being offensive. Keep your closed mind and judgments for your own life and stop hurting others with it. Dan and I are happy, and I won’t apologize for the decisions we make with our relationship.

      Frankly, this sort of comment is quite similar to those that ignorant conservatives make against gay marriage. I hope you come to that realization one day.

    • Pera

      This i agree with. Marriage is typical about exclusivity, whether you have one are more partners. Every partner has a right to your financial assets. Having an open relationship isn’t really a relationship, it’s more like best friends with benefits. Most str8 couples that i know who are married are exclusive. Why is it that they can make that work and most gay couples can’t

    • Adam410years

      Stick to your ground MATT. It’s not a REAL union it’s for show and I don’t see this lasting longer than the story of it and Kurt will find a way to backtrack out of why it didn’t last but tell the tale of it being fun while it lasted.

      • Kurt Wirth

        Please be mindful of the comments you make and the impact it can have. There’s no reason to be disrespectful and/or hateful. I hope you find your happiness.

  5. Ben

    Sorry Steven, Solace and Matt, you don’t get to decide what a “real marriage involves.” The two parties in the marriage get to define it. If you guys want to be in an exclusive marriage, be in one. But nobody else’s marriage is your business. You’re not much better than the hateful people who tried to deny us the right to marry.

    • Adam410years

      No but it is your responsibility as a humanitarian to remove the veil from your brothers eyes when he’s disillusioned and missing the point of one over the other. U can’t be partly saved. Either u sink or u swim. No one almost lived because in the end they died. This isn’t a union just a waste of funds to prove to others something u two don’t believe.

      • Ben

        Sorry Adam, you live your life as you see it an let others live theirs. Nobody has to conform to YOUR version of anything.

  6. jymmer

    “Gay marriage” IS Traditional marriage, to still be thinking otherwise is just ignorance. With Hetero marriages going down the tubes in droves, any couple open and honest enough to live THEIR TRUTH happily ever after is to be admired and should be uplifted and respected by this society!!
    Congrats Guys, I cant even find a decent BJ on A4A so I’m a jealous bitch!

  7. Dillion

    What a weird and anti-climactic post…And they actually are fooled to think that they’re having a “real marriage!” Best, case scenario, what they have is a good, deep friendship just like what I have with some of my fuck buddies – just don’t fool yourselves guys!!! I actually doubt that anyone can be as happily married as they claim to be while still feeling the need to fuck around with every other Tom, Dick and Harry here on a4a. It just doesn’t add up or make sense!

  8. DK

    They have never argued and their relationship is perfect. Alternative facts. Single gays. Don’t let this story mislead you. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. Perseverance can pay off in other areas too. Like education, personal growth, and career. This gay marriage stuff is over rated.

    • Adam410years

      Booooom exactly what I was thinking “we never argue” well u never really talk either do u? Not telling the secrets That lie beneath the kinda cracked door where the light shines from where you want to be your free self but u can’t because u never gave that perfect “husband” of yours the real u from jump. U have been pretending to be the perfect gay to tie down a legit bisexual male but you weren’t yourself from the start. He fell for what u pretended to be and he himself is believing he’s 100 where he lays his head because he’s in love with a lie.

    • Kurt Wirth

      I’m quite confused by this comment, but I appreciate your input. I’m sorry that you don’t believe the truth, but I hope you find what we have found one day.

      I do agree with your point in regards to perseverance. It’s a crucial part of finding happiness in any realm.

  9. Josh

    What is mind boggling to ME is all the people bitching about this couple being in an open relationship when 99.9% of A4A guys are the biggest whores I’ve ever encountered. So it’s fine for everyone else to fuck each other into incontinence, but that impulse is supposed to stop at marriage? What are these people expecting?

    • Pera

      Marriage is about Exclusivity, at least that’s the tradition of it for oh so long. It’s one thing when you’re single and whoring around. You have no one to answer to. But marriage is a whole other kettle of fish and is such a serious undertaking. Which is why many of us don’t get married. Most married couples i know wouldn’t even think about going outside their relationship for someone else for any reason. Why?? because they feel complete with their partner.

    • Kurt Wirth

      To me, logically, it makes more sense for us to be open and honest about our desires so we build trust and avoid any danger. We’re so, so much happier for it.

  10. Glenn

    Relationship?? Naahhh! I still have to meet one that is as monogamous as a sane human being. Gay males just can’t keep their balls to themselves. They will always find someone “other than their partner” to bust their nuts somewhere else. And I don’t mean to sound bitter, but majority of the so-called “saintly” in this gay world are always the worst kind of hypocrites.

  11. Rich

    Although there is racism within the gay community as evidence by the A4A app & others, I can definitely say I have met many great Caucasian, African-American, Hispanics, Asians, etc. all from this app & yes I am African-American. I try not to have a “poor me” attitude or use the race card. I have experienced mostly good and some bad on the A4A app in terms of race.
    I am sorry for taking the attention away from the subject. I am happy for you both! I really am. I am mad I didn’t get an invitation lol! Just joking. Congrats again!

  12. Bkl83

    See, this is the problem I have with gay men. You take a HETEROSEXUAL tradition and try to twist it into something that benefits your comforts. Don’t call me “close-minded,” or “homophobic” because the truth hurts your feelings. Just like I would call out a straight couple for having an “open” marriage, I’ll call out a gay couple. Marriage is about TWO people being connected. That’s it. You LOVE this person, so you are willing to sacrifice not being sexually available to others because you had made a commitment to your partner–you know, the whole “through sickness and death” thing?
    Yes, I don’t agree or approve of your marriage. If you didn’t want to hear others’ opinions, then you shouldn’t have broadcasted your story to the world.
    Oh, and before you respond to my comment with some snarky, pretentious remark, understand that I do not care about what you have to say. Your insecurities about your marriage aren’t mine to deal with. Years later when your “husband” has left you for someone more attractive, you’ll write some victim post about how gay guys are so untrustworthy. Lol.
    Hurray for oblivious, white gay men!

    • Dan

      Making a concerted effort to be unhappy tends to get in the way of finding happiness.

      That being said, you’ve said you don’t care what we think, despite going to the trouble to read the blog post and compose a comment, so I am left to wonder what it is you *do* care about.

  13. Andrew

    After reading all the comments on here, I can understand where some ppl are coming from but at the end of the day they are not you and you and your husband are not living a life to please them, so Congrats guys on your marriage and your happiness, you define what your happiness looks like and feels like don’t let the nay Sayers say otherwise, if sharing your bed with someone else makes it work then so be it, the traditional marriage has alot of holes in it if the couple isn’t happy, so good luck with the remaining years of your marriage.

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