Speak Out: Being Black and Gay
Photo Credits: Our Swirl Life Instagram
“It is hard enough being black in modern society but you just gotta add being gay there, too?” asked Ben over at Our Swirl Life—a YouTube channel owned by Ben and his boyfriend Jack. For their latest vlog, Ben talked about the challenges of being black and gay sans Jack.
Ben, for one, discussed the perceptions a black gay faces. About how black men are expected to be masculine, strong, and protective but if that black guy is gay? He said they are looked at as feminine, weak, and flamboyant.
He also tackled the hardship a black gay guy has to deal with when it comes to dating, how he had to guess whether someone is “into black guys.” And as for coming out, he said, “I am the only one out of all my black gay friends who is out to my family. There is something a little extra dramatic about being black and gay when it comes to coming out.” Ben admitted further that if he had not been outed at school (the story he’d be reserving for another video at another time) he probably would not be out at the moment.
Ben ended the video by encouraging everyone to talk about the topic at hand and to “start loving ourselves.” He said it doesn’t matter whether we are black, white, straight, gay, yellow, brown: there’s always something to love about ourselves and it is time to stand up and be proud of who we are. Very well said, Ben, we couldn’t agree more.
He talked about many other things really but it is better if you watched the video yourself.
Are you black and gay? Do you agree with the challenges Ben discussed in his video? Have you ever been rejected just like Ben because you are black? Do you have other things to add apart from what Ben had discussed? Are you out to your family? Why or why not? Share with us your stories and thoughts in the comments section below.
Ben – Awesome video
Being a black gay male, I’ve found my experience to be more enlightening to heteros and even other gay men. The topic you discussed on being a black man (Masculine and Strong) and Gay (Feminine and Flamboyant), people get confused as to “what box to put you in”… what I have found, a lot more often than not, is they become truly intrigued as to “why arn’t you capable of being categorized?” This question is derived from being uncomfortable with the unknown and thus they ask a series of questions. To make things a bit more clear, I’m in my mid twenties, work in Finance (valuation, Debt/Equity), went to a private university in the Midwest, play high level rugby (a league that feeds into USA Rugby)… I have my own scene, but dabble in several others. The gay community here, calls me a bro and that I’m not really “gay”.. what does that mean? Has being gay become a lifestyle or can it still simply be a sexual preferences? I digress… Anyway, based on what I do actively and professionally and my primary crowd/scene, my teammates, friends and family all want to hear and learn more; live through me, sort of speak. My theory is, most people only understand or have mostly only know flamboyant gay life style, thus when you arnt that or identify with that “lifestyle” people become educated and more accepting based on the fact that I am still his “traditional man” but so happen to like dick and male bubble asses :-). To top it off, being black (lol) makes it even more “wow ish” due to some stereotypical life experiences holding true for myself. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned that I’m quite lucky to have such a amazing group of friends and family.
I ask that no one takes my view negatively. Let’s dicusess and learn from one another.
Have you ever dated a black guy. And are you attracted to black men. A black man in America
Why is the only person we can find to being black and gay to black Americans who have been here since before the Revolution i.e., 1615, a British immigrant? Think about that.
im tired of the whole victimized vlack narrative.
Well maybe if we didn’t have to deal with “not into blk guys” daily it wouldn’t be a issue anymore… get over yourself
does the same go for those guys who write “blk or latino only” in their profiles?
You can find “not into white guys” or “white guys stop hitting me up!”, which I just saw. If you don’t like a certain race of people or prefer a certain race of people, just ignore the message if it comes from someone you’re not interested in. How hard is it to ignore a few messages or 10 messages or whatever? Ignore them or delete them! It’s simple. Instead of having a profile that sounds hateful and ignorant.
You should be more supportive of the “vlack” race.
What is the “vlack” narrative?
You’re tired? Get used to it!!! We have!!!
this is heartbreaking, at every turn another victim. where does it end…
ooh,,stop playing the race card i dont buy it..!
If you could walk in our shoes for a day, then talk to me. Its hell being black. But you wouldn’t k ow. If a white man cant make it in a America something is wrong with them.. seriously
No one is asking you to buy a Damn thing!!!
honey if you’re white, you’ve never been discriminated the way blacks and latinos have been for decades, and it still going on today.
If you think that’s true then I suggest you try living in a place where blacks outnumber whites by 3.5 : 1
You’ll very quickly find that it’s an old wive’s tale that blacks can’t be racist !
As long as society chooses to hang on to the “Crutches” we use such as Race, Age, Gender, Sexuality, etc. they will always hinder us. You can easily discount my opinion since I am an older, successful white man. That being said, let me tell you that I also receive the same kinds of rejection due to that criteria. There will always be those who are not attracted to us, or whom discriminate in one way or another to us, because we are Gay, White skinned, Black skinned, Too Tall, Too Short, Too Skinny, Too Fat and on and on. What makes the difference is how we see ourselves and how we react to others who have these prejudices. We all have them, We all have our “Type” and we all have that “Type” that we are not attracted to. Doesn’t make it right or wrong, it just makes each of us different and makes this world a more interesting place. We can choose to hold ourselves back because of the prejudices of others or we can just be comfortable in our skin and recognize that we aren’t going to be everyone’s cup of tea and just move on. If you’re black, love yourself, If you’re white, brown or green, love yourself too! Some won’t have an attraction because of some aspect of your being but many others will. If we dwell, and use as a crutch, our skin color, size, shape, or any other aspect, then it becomes an issue. As long as we just know we are awesome, then we are! Be the best you that you can be, that’s all you can do!
“Protective”? Get real.
Thanks Cole as a African guy I am me and know one else, you like me it’s okay you done your business.some black guys do the same ass thing.
Sigh…….
Most white people still can’t understand what goes on past their own nose.
It’s not just the black/gay thing but being black and experiencing racism in society, in addition to experiencing the same racism in within a group that supposed to inclusive and accepting.
Black pride evolved because there was a need.
So very true, the whites dont want us at there pride. And want come to our pride.. real tslk
I am white and my boyfriend/lover is black. We get along great together. We have great sex, but also do many other things together in which we are out in public view. We get along fine and the racial issue doesn’t even concern either of us as far as each other. But being accepted by our families is a different story. Yes, a double whammy. First being gay and then the racial issue. It’s a problem for both of us, me being white, but also for him being black. Go out into public and others see us together and it does draw stares, and wonderment among people. The public many times is just ignorant. So, what, if two people love and care about each other, what difference does it make as far as skin color, or anything else for that matter. Although gay and interracial is becoming more accepted today, it’s still a problem as the public needs to be taught to be more accepting differences.
I agree JM, as long as you and your partner is happy… the hell with others. Live your life for you and not dor others. Congrats man
I noticed I posted this comment back in June, and since it’s already January 2018, my (black) lover and I (white) are still very much in love with each other. Still not accepted by family members on either side, however were not letting that become an issue. Also being lovers is not just about having gay sex. It’s about trust, doing things together, having fun, going to shows, plays, concerts, travel, shopping, eating out, etc. We share our feelings about our jobs, emotions, lives, family, opinions, etc. It surprises people when we walk up to a counter together to pay for something and the checkout clerk knows that I am paying for an item, etc for my partner, and vice versa. Are you together? Will that be on one check or two? We try not to make a spectacle in public, but sometimes it’s hard not too. Even just a simple hug, kiss, or holding hands, can create a wonderment among others. The public is ignorant, but the two of us are having the best relationship ever.
I am a male who happens to be Black and homosexual; i for one do not agree with this guy, he acts as if black gay men are supposed to be saved by everybody else and cant love each other. I have seen gay black guys who love each other and themselves, maybe this guy lives in a world where he is limited in seeing that you can love no matter if it is in your race or out of your race, so this guy and his friend do not fit my view of being black and gay. Sick and tired of the victimization and fetish attitudes that are so pervasive among gays. My gayness or my race is not the center of who i am, what i do is what defines me, that is true self love; not begging for acceptance from people who love themselves, but you cant do the same.
Ugh.. nobody knows how tough it is to be judge by your skin colorand form opinions with out meeting you. White people Have no idea. They think were all a like , likes the same things, music, food..etc. so i just deal with it and try to conduct my self in a classy way. And i know if i were white.. i would be much further in life. White people run the world, we make no decisions ever. There already made for us.
Its very tough being a blk male in America, being judge before they meet you and assume they know you. And white people cant realize that. And its frustrating that white people dont want us at there prides and want come to blk pride. This is reality being blk in America. .ugh.
You ask “why do people have to put you in a box”? My question: “Why have you put yourself in one”? Being black and gay myself? I feel like I hit the double jackpot by being not one, but two of THE MOST AMAZING TYPES OF PEOPLE ON THE PLANET!!! Black and gay culture, together are responsible for damn near everything new and exciting in music, fashion, dance, art, style, photography, not to mention new ways of looking at and challenging the status quo. There will ALWAYS be stereotypes and plenty of people who aren’t smart enough to know that a stereotype, besides not being representative of a whole group of people, doesn’t even represent a single individual!!! Being a fully expressed, well rounded, multi-faceted individual keeps me from getting put in a box because anyone who interacts with me for more than 5 minutes quickly learns that I don’t fit in a box!!! Theirs or anyone else’s!!! As for being black and gay being diametrically opposed? That would be YOU using stereotypes as if they represent reality!!! And here’s a radical idea for you!!! A man can be strong and soft, conservative and flamboyant, etc. Different settings/situations call for different behavior!!! Oh, and the wondering if someone is “into” black guys? Do question if a guy is into guys your age, body type, shade of skin, height, and so on? I bet you don’t. Actually, all you have to do us approach the guys you are attracted to!!! They will either be into you or not. And just because a guy isn’t into you doesn’t mean he isn’t into black guys. OH, YOU NEED SOME NEW FRIENDS!!! LIKE YESTERDAY!!! I don’t give a damn what race they are, when I hear these self loathing, closed, straight acting gay me bragging that they don’t have any gay friends, don’t go to gay clubs and bars, no one knows they’re gay, etc… I see them for the miserable, homophobes they are!!! If a black person said the same things about being black I hope that you would be offended!!! I sure as fuck would!!! Why? Because being black is nothing to be ashamed of!! Neither is being gay!!! If you still think that marrying a woman would make life easier it’s not too late!!! I guarantee that you will be miserable to say nothing of what it would be like for her married to a man who doesn’t love and isn’t physically attracted to her. The fact that you said that while being in love with a man who loves and cares for you… If my boyfriend ever said so shit like that he would get verbally pimp slapped and emotionally exiled to Siberia for a week or two. Love yourself, be yourself and fuck everybody else!!!
Oh, here’s something to think about!!! Expand the “not into” topic beyond black and white and I can guarantee you that plenty, if not most of you will have a group or two that you also “are not into”!!!! Asian, Muslim, disabled anyone?
Love is love…. those guys who have preference are missing out on meeting some wonderful guys. Doesnt matter to me what race the guy is… its whats in the inside that really counts. Ass holes comes in all races!
Btw, I am a Black male who happens to like Men and Women. I can care less what ppl think about me. My destiny is not in their hands. Man, the gay community is just as fuck up as the straight.
Race is real in America. I have personally experienced that while travelling with a gay black man. I’m white. I don’t get that except by people who are “not into white people” but they are s few in number in a small minority population. This annoys and angers me but it is not a daily experience. As for myself, I prefer gay black men when they are educated and interesting precisely because they have the skills and strength to overcome two barriers: black and gay.
I feel badly for those who deny racism as “victimization” (although there is that too) or “black narrative” as though it were not real (it is).
Besides, they all have really big manly dicks don’t they? LOLOLOL.
I rest my case.