Sexuality : Why Straight Guys Have Sex With Gay Men?
Photo : Sean Cody
It turns out, straight guys fantasize about gay sex more than we realize, but most of them just choose not to act upon it. Some do, but why do “straight” guys really have sex with gay men?
Male-to-male sexual fantasies
According to a recent poll about one out of three heterosexual males will fantasize about having gay sex or a gay fling or hookup. In general, 24 percent of the poll’s hetero-male respondents have thought about it, or were “open” to the idea of having same-sex sex, but only 8 percent of them (or one out of three) said they will actually take actions to turn their male-to-male fantasies into a reality.
True enough, “being open” to the idea of having sex with other men (if you consider your sexual identity is a straight) and “actually acting” upon it are two entirely different things. Sure, these men will think about it, but nope, they will not do it.
But what about the men who will actually do something about their M/M sexual fantasies?
Straight guys having sex with gay men
According to PsychologyToday.com, these men are called SMSM or “straight men who have sex with other men.” For these men, sexual activities with another man “do not require a definition or identity.” Their sexual behavior does NOT indicate or change their identity.
SMSMs do not essentially identify themselves as being “gay,” and in fact, for them it is just an act that “provides sexual pleasure, and it is not seen as anything more profound.” In other words, it is just that–sex with other men–and nothing more.
For some SMSMs though, their same-sex sexual activities often cause them to have feelings of shame, guilt, discomfort and hesitance. In fact, the majority of “straight men who have sex with other men” keep their activities covert–a secret. SMSMs do not generally share the details of their same-sex sexual activities, even their desires or fantasies, most especially to their female partners.
All in all, research identified the population of SMSM males as someone who considers themselves “straight”/ or heterosexuals, someone who does not label or identity themselves as gay or even bisexual, who rejects involvement with any LGBT community, and who often are romantically involved (some married) with a female sexual partner, although they are engaged in or they desire to have sex with other males.
Sex with other men doesn’t necessarily mean “gay”
The reason why straight men who have sex with other men (SMSM) do not think their male-to-male activities or fantasies do not create any discrepancy at all with their hetero-identity is because:
- Their fantasies and/or activities were infrequent.
- Having sex with another man, for them, is just a recreation or sport – only done for the sake of physical activity or as a form of stress relief.
- The sex was economical or merely a necessity – a lot of straight men who have sex with other men do it for the money–the majority of them also use drugs. (In fact, many engage in sexual activities with other men–rich gay men–as a means of getting financial resources to obtain such drugs or substances.)
- The sex was just an accident – the activity was only because of being drunk/intoxicated/being under the influence of drugs (at times as an unplanned or uncontrolled result of an argument with their wife or female partner.)
No emotional attachment
Also, while engaging in sex with another man, the SMSM males avoided kissing, cuddling/ hugging, talking with the other male (even just looking at him), and also leaving immediately after the sex.
Additionally, other findings show that the SMSM males told in an interview that their same-sex sex activities do not challenge their identity of being “straight” or heterosexual because:
- They have little to no emotional attachment with the other man they have had or have sex with.
- They have no pretense whatsoever of committing with each other.
- Their sex was not frequent compared to their sexual activities with females or with the opposite sex.
What does this mean for gay men?
Overall, for the SMSM males, because their sexual activity with other men was 1) anonymous; 2) only occasional, an accident, or experimental; and/or 3) because money, alcohol, drugs or substance use was involved, then their sexual activity was NOT “gay.” Same-sex sexual activities do not necessarily cause them to reconsider their sexual identity. They are “straight” guys–heterosexuals by their own identified identity.
You really cannot help someone “come out” if they do not consider themselves “gay”–even if they have sex with other males.
It is much safer to not get your hopes too high when having a sexual relationship an SMSM guy. As the saying goes, just “enjoy it while it lasts.”
Also, if you have a straight guy crush and he seems open about the idea? He’s probably just thinking about it. He may still choose not to act upon it.
___
References:
Straight But Curious. http://straightbutcurious.co.uk/
Michael Shelton MS, LPC. “Straight Men Who Have Sex with Other Men, Part One.” Psychology Today. n.p., 10 Apr 2015. Web. 20 Aug 2016. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sex-life-the-american-male/201504/straight-men-who-have-sex-other-men-part-one
Michael Shelton MS, LPC. “Straight Men Who Have Sex With Other Men: In Their Own Words.” Psychology Today. n.p., 12 Jul 2015. Web. 20 Aug 2016. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sex-life-the-american-male/201507/straight-men-who-have-sex-other-men-in-their-own-words
Bill Browning. “Why Do Straight Guys Have Sex with Men?” The Bilero Project. n.p., 18 Oct 2011. Web. 20 Aug 2016. http://bilerico.lgbtqnation.com/2011/10/why_do_straight_guys_have_sex_with_men.php
that’s me to a tee, i love sex with men… i rarely seek it out… i don’t usually fantasize about it… i don’t like kissing cuddling or talking that much… i consider myself straight… but yeah i totally love getting down with another penis every once in a while…
The subconscious is registering every experience and removing barriers you placed at some point growing up . Every experience will become easier and you will explore more things about a guy until you get the urge to kiss him, feel the strength in his cuddle, rumble of his voice, etc and whether you like man time or go the straight route. Enjoy life either way!
your cognitive dissonance is really disappointing…for the enlightened: a man who has sex with another man is gay..F***ING PERIOD. Go play pretend somewhere else.
BT5322 thanks for your opinion, but you can’t decide for others. Sexuality is not black or white. There’s different shades of grey. And the straight guy that has a tiny thought of thinking about having gay sex one day, or keep it in his thoughts, is not necessarily “gay”
Yea and just because I eat meat and vegetables doesn’t mean I’m an omnivore. ::huge sarcastic eye roll::
Thoughts don’t make you gay or straight, actually performing GAY sex acts is GAY. It’s still driving whether you’re in a truck or a car. It’s still shopping whether you’re at a department store or grocery store. It’s still a bill whether it’s from a credit card or utility company.
Sexuality is explicitly black and white. You’re either gay, straight or bisexual based upon who your sexual partners are. Straight men only have sex with women. Gay men only have sex with men. Bisexuals have sex with both. Regardless if they’re “gay for pay” or a “parTy gay” if you have sex with a man it’s a gay sex act. There’s no such thing as having straight sex with another man… ::even bigger eye roll::
ok so an omnivore person eating a vegetarian dish IS vegetarian with your definition? Oh I see, HUGE enormous eyeroll!
and, we never said it’s “straight sex” it’s a straight man, having gay sex, once.
Ok then… Explain prisoners that have sex with other men in prison. They would never think of having sex with another man out of prison ….. But then rape and have sex with other men once they have been locked up. So, sexuality isn’t so black and white after all
News flash!!! Still gay sex period!!! There’s plenty of people in prison who don’t have sex with men because they’re truly straight! Y’all gays and your straight fantasies need to get a clue. No one truly straight is ever going to have gay sex just like no one truly gay will still have sex with women. Those that do are bisexual.
Unless your a drug addict, two men having sex with each other are gay or bisexual. No way in hell is he straight.
It’s more nuanced than that. I am married to a woman but love having sex with guys. I don’t care what label is applied and usually just figure I’m bi. For me, there is no, and will never be, emotional connection with a man. It’s pure sex just for pleasure and fun. I only feel emotional connections (i.e. love) with women. Am I straight? Am I bi? Do I care?
Do you tell the women you have sex with that you also have sex with men? However, you are quick to share the information with a gay man that you have sex with women. You are telling lies to someone. Maybe you are not straight or bi, but you sure are a damn liar.
Interesting comments . . . . Still have sex with my wife once a month but meet with my man
and we have the hottest, intense sex of a lifetime. Always great and look forward to it. He feels the same way. Curious as to what you guys comments or opinions are on this. Gay, straight, messed up?
Do you tell your wife that you are meeting up with your man? If you do then you are bi in an open relationship.
hey buds….just cause a dude wants to get his **** sucked off don’t make him gay. just sayin man.
I agree with the other opinion…if you are a man having sex of any kind with another man…..you are engaging in homosexual activity….there! Not gay just horny…
The most aggressively pursued target of gay men, the straight man that they all dream they could “turn”. And just like the societal and cultural killer vampires that they act like, their sole purpose is self indulgent self satisfying behavior no matter the damage they do, for a notch on the bed post of fantasies fulfilled. Im glad im hated by all for being Bi, i dont have to be beholden to any identities agendas, and do both sides of the spectrum hate not being able to use it. Better yet i have no need to identify with either end of the spectrum in general. If people we actually worth it and genuine id still be in a lasting relationshit, but thats one useless burden ive shed.
Flame on haters!
Straight men that have sex with men are just Horny. The majority of the men that I have sex with are “straight” meaNing they don’t live a gay lifestyle. They have girlfriends or wives. They talk about having sex with women and are attracted to women. They are just Horny lol. Most women won’t suck a mans dick good or eat their ass or aren’t as tight as a mans ass. Many differences. Most of these men, in my experience do not kiss or cuddle or reciprocate and will leave immediately afterwards and some will never do it again. I tried smoking marijuana when I was a teenager but that doesn’t make me a pothead. We have all tried something once or twice,, smoking, drugs etc but that doesn’t make us who we are. Have fun guys!
to be honest, i think people in general experiment and later find out what there orientation is. it seems to be more acceptable for a woman to experiment another woman and no one bats an eye. but with homophobia (which just needs to go away) still in town, of course most ‘straight’ men won’t admit it. there’s also this idea that if he only tops or get his dick sucked he’s considered ‘not gay’, so yeah.
but wait a minute, what about actual gay guys that have sex with no attachments? that’s not just an exclusive feature for ‘straight’ men only.
Im around str8 guys all day, 18-30 yo guys. Ive never been in the closet, very masculine, do all the “guy things”. The guys look at sex with a guy like having a beer with a guy ,if it happens. Less drama then with “bitches”, no babies, the next day its not a big crazy relationship changing event. Kinda like a pick-up game in sports. The way guys are getting set up for “HO CHECKS” by the bitches, no wonder! A masturbation substitute.
I understand that a man can “identify” as straight. But like BT5322 pointed out, their cognitive dissonance astounding. If a man has sexual thoughts about another man, whether he acts on them or not, is either gay or bisexual. As Alfred Kinsey pointed out, human sexuality should be considered as a sliding measurement. Very few people are truly a 0 on the kinsey scale and very few are a 6. The vast majority of the population falls inbetween as some level of bisexual. Now we can sit here and split hairs all day, ive met too many guys that are cock hungry and desperate for a man’s penis to stretch their hole while in the same sentence identifying as straight. This isnt a new class of sexuality, this is a sad example of cognitive dissonance being exaggerated because of societal pressure to be straight.
I think some of the commenters are missing an important point – that “straight” men having sex with other men (“straight” or gay or bi) – is based on sexual self-identification. Ask the men having sex what they think they sexuality is.
It only takes a look at craigslist’s casual encounter listings to find a whole bunch of guys who say they’re married and/or straight but need something the little missy can’t give them. Other guys are more oblique; “can’t host/car sex/park sex/your place only”, but the guy is the same: what he wants, he can’t have others know about because other folks will think he’s queer. He won’t kiss you, make coffee or dinner reservations, but because he likes a cock in his ass or wants really good head, someone else thinks he’s romantically involved with his own gender.
He’s not involved, he’s HORNY. He may be making sketchy or bad decisions based on his horniness, but I don’t care if he’s gay, straight or just plain twisted… that’s for him to decide about himself.
That doesn’t mean I’ll hook up with him, though.
so true on the last part, i have no interest hooking up with a guy that is ‘straight’ identified married with kids, to me that sounds like drama. it’s also pretty misogynistic in so many level, yep, as usual no one cares for the woman at all, we be calling them hoes, bitches, oh she doesn’t give him head. so what! that’s between them to fix up their marriage, that doesn’t give us an excuse to hook up with these taken men.
so many single gay guys and we have this fantasy that we gotta hook up with these straight dudes because it’s ‘in’ to ‘convert’ them, all while we’re screaming ‘i’m born this way’! gimme a break!
I’m a dl guy. I’d say i lean more on the straight side, and have never developed the same feelings for a guy as I have a woman. Every now and again i just get an urge I can’t satisfy without taking a big hard cock. For me it’s a rush of excitement, especially if the guy is verbal. I guess if that makes me not quite straight, of well. It’s what I like.
What’s the point of a label? let people be sexually free! Personally sex is just sex to me. I identify as gay because I have feelings for men but I’ve had sex with women and I don’t like cuddling or kissing them; we just simply fuck. I Identified as bisexual because I was ashamed of being gay when I was younger but I never had those kind of feelings for women; it was just sex. I think it’s the same for most heterosexual men who have sex with other men. I know I had my share of them! 🙂
In my opinion, I think all men and women are bisexual. No one is 100% gay or straight. We just fall on different levels of the sexuality scale between gay and straight. We need to stop using labels and just accept that we are all different in and outside of the bedroom.
I agree. let people enjoy what they want. there are a lot of middle aged men in sexless marriages who turn to other men instead. if a man thinks of other men in bed but is never with them, is he gay or straight or bi or what? all i know is a lot of men who say they are bi, straight and gay all like to have sex with men. i know b/c i have enjoyed so man of them all 🙂
why do people get angry over another person’s sexual preferences? stop worrying and enjoy it while it lasts.
People get into heated debates about gay sexuality because these srlf declared straight men are not acting in a vacuum. They are poised to reduce gay men to a sexual fetish….to use gay men to get their jollies them bolt for the cover of heterosexuality. I don’t know anyone who wants to be used then cast aside as irrelevant
Ok, I like to consider myself intelligent enough to comprehend all the reasoning given here as to what a straight guy is that has sex with other men! SMSM whatever one will call it but I’m sorry! I don’t understand why these SMSMs are being coddled with lies! A man that has sex with other men is “GAY” or at minimum Bisexual! I can even understand “Pansexual” which is open to various sexual expressions with men or women, hetero or LGBTQ! If I read on a map or take directions from “G” maps directing me to go “Straight” for 50ft. and I get creative and decide to turn left in 25ft. and go off a cliff, did I go straight?
No surprise. Hasn’t been a surprise for decades. Sexuality is a spectrum from Fully Straight to Fully Gay with a great amount of space in between the two extremes. Many guys over the decades have identified as “Straight” due to family or cultural pressure, but they were really somewhere down the “toward gay” part of the spectrum. The internet and changes in social norms have made it possible for sex between men, and women for that matter, to happen more easily that it did in previous decades.
No surprise. No new news. Just a softening between the lines of “gay!” and “straight!”.
And any gay guy who puts a notch in his bedpost whenever he “pops the cherry of another ‘straight’ guy” is deluding himself. Most likely, he was being used, rather than being the user.
funny how we never hear about gay men who occasionally have sex with women
LOL. Two queens never works unless it’s lesbians.
i like big boobies and i cannot lie, and no man can give me that.
Guys are they really straight? I don’t think so. But sexually is very complex. curious, hormones.. confused.. whatever… Gay men tend to confuse things… I think.
There is absolutely nothing complex about sexuality. What is complex is the dishonesty in relating who you are not to the gay man, but to the woman/women the SMSM is having sexual intercourse once every month with. It always come down to the woman not knowing that she is sharing a man with another man. If he was sleeping with another woman, somewhere along the line it would be made known to the other woman that he is a cheater and a liar. Sleeping with another man does not make it any more complex, just that he still remains a cheater and a liar.
Wow. You sound fun. What an arrogant, sanctimonious prick you are. I guess you are perfect in all your ways. May we all bow down and learn at your wise feet. Judgemental moron. Get over yourself.
Gents, Kinsey laid it out last century. Some of the world just doesn’t seem to want to “get” it: Male sexuality is much more nuanced and dynamic throughout our lifecycle than most have talked about. “Gay”,”Str8″, “Bi”, “Q” (whether “Queer” or “Questioning”)–are a labels, with as much social & political nuances as psychobiological truth. Now we can add “SMSW” to “MSM”, “SSA”, “USSA” to the alphabet soup of ego-soothing, us-vs-them stereotyping labeling.
Let’s wake up, and see the MAN, not a label. IMO, we are each and all more than what we do in bed, or with whom.
Wow! As stated above sexuality for most human beings exist on a spectrum. It took me a while to finally realize I wasn’t an anomoly. There are so many guys who like the emotional and physical connection of being with a women but get the urge to be with a man once in a while. I know because I AM ONE OF THOSE GUYS! The problem is human beings need labels…they need things to be “black or white” to help them process information easy. The truth of the matter is that the real world is “washed in shades of grey”…..sexuality being no different. It’s the people who are the extremes of the scale that cause the problems, they are the intolerant ones, both gay and straight. They are the ones who can’t understand that the labels they use don’t define the totality of your existence, sexually or otherwise.
All my str8 boys enjoy wild crazy rough sex with me that would get them a set of charges with any of their female fukbuds. When its over its just another day. Beer and a blowjob after work looks mighty good after a hard hot day on a construction site. At 57 Im busy as hell with under 30 guys loving it man to man, paying it forward.
I was always under the impression your sexuality is defined by which gender you are ATTRACTED to, not necessarily who you have sex with. Back in days of old a host of gay men got married, fathered children and lived a lie all in the hopes they’d not be gay anymore; and 9 out of 10 times it didn’t work. They still were turned on by men, which accounts for why many middle-aged and older gay married men eventually came out and left their wives once negative attitudes towards gays began to change.
Now some of you will say he must’ve been bi-sexual because he had to have been turned on to have sex with a woman. And to those people I’ll pose the question: “Haven’t you seen gay porn in which the top’s penis was so soft he could barely enter the bottom’s ass?” Or what about the bottom whose penis was so soft yet still manages to cum? In both cases either the actor was nervous, not into the other guy even though they are both gay, he is “gay-for-pay”, or maybe he was just tired. As many straight men say: “A warm moist hole is a warm moist hole.” Therefore, it doesn’t really matter which gender the hole is attached to.
Guys, a person, if honest with himself, is who he is. A gay guy who sleeps with an informed woman to have a kid is not straight. A carpenter who fixes his car is not a mechanic. A straight guy having man to man fun is no different than a guy roughhousing with his bud. It’s play. Some of us want to dream a guy is gay, but he is who he is. And gay is more than just an act anyway. It’s more than just sex. So the deed alone may be “homosexual” sex, but he isn’t emotionally, spiritually, mentally gay so accept that. I’m bored of hay guys thinking you can turn straight guys. If that’s true, then Jerry Falwell’s conversion camps would have worked. Let the straight guys play and not worry about flowers, candy, and PMS. It’s their choice. It’s our orientation.
Amen!
Why can’t we just be people having sex with people? Some of the best sex I’ve had and continue to have are with ‘straight men’, two of which I’ve had a sex-only relationship with for over two years. Gay or straight, to me, has always meant with whom you decide to have a serious relationship/live together as a couple. If you need something to focus on, focus on yourself and who you are or want to be. It’s not our concern what anyone else’s orientation is.
Seeing a lot of these comments it’s just hilarious. I say that if you have Some type if contact with another man. You are pretty Gay it does not literally have to be just by touch but if you can get that other man arouse. I don’t like the fact that straight men say their straight if they are willing to sleep with other men. You at least have to be Bi or something not that I want to label anyone. Look men will be men but if you are willing to suck a cock or even having one inside you. That’s pretty Gay called it what you want but it’s still pretty Gay to me. I had a lot of men come on to me wanting to explore their other side. I don’t know why but usually alot of men are shy or would not admit they want so ass. But for those who are curious I say let’s play baby what she does not know won’t hurt her.
Um, 1 out of 3 is not 8%!
read it again…there’s a 24% just one sentence before…8 is the third of 24 if I remember my Maths class!
Cuz a guy cannot get pregnant and a guy knows what a guy wants. Plain and simple
amen man. no woman sucks like a man does. i have had sex with a few hundred men and have known the last name of only a few, even guys who are regular fuck buds for years. it’s all about the dick guys and we all know it. enjoy studs!
Remarkable presumptions of absolute (or even vaguely recognizable) truth, as a result of a few “articles.” Such presumptions have little resemblance to the reality that is experienced on a day by day basis at this site, as well as at others.
There is no such thing as a straight man who has sex with men PERIOD. It’s been said so many times before on here and some guys don’t get it! Sexual preference is a TOTALLY cognitive thing. One of the stupidest things that that I have read on this page was the whole notion that just because a man has sex with another man and “isn’t emotionally, spiritually, mentally gay” . . . and the like. W. T. F.? It’s like saying, “I plunged the knife into the body until it stopped moving but I didn’t FEEL that I was killing the person I thought I was scratch an itch on his back.
No one wants to pay attention to the 2000 pound gorilla in the room. Guys like that who say that they are “straight” don’t want to take responsibility for their actions because they are delicate little flowers whose feelings are easily hurt and don’t want to be rejected; hence someone’s comment about “labels”. They don’t want to be “one of them”, the outcasts. It all stems from patriarchy, it’s dominant control in society and perceived notions of masculinity and femininity. Yeah, like there’s some rigid way to be gay. (Like the other stupid comment, “Flame on haters!”) We fall all across the spectrum in interests, intentions and actions just like straight people. We just like partners with the same equipment as we have.
The idea of labeling is a benign concept: That’s a shoe. There’s a car. That’s a dog. The problem is the preconceived notions and prejudice others have of us and the action those people take as a result of them. The sad part is that we assimilate that self-hate into our lives and perpetuate it.
One perfect example of this: I went to high school in the seventies. Guys could not take a typing class until their senior year and then it was only for two quarters of the school year and a “specially designed” class for guys going to college so they could type papers. All that taken into consideration, STILL there was “something wrong with those guys”. They were DEFINITELY gay and targets for teasing if they had great skill at it. Fast-forward 35- 40 years and there is a man virtually no way a guy could work as a help desk tech. or a programmer without that skill AND speed!
Men having sex with men is gay, end of story.
As a Psychiatric professional I had to chime in on this one. Human sexuality is a very gray area, with many caviats, period. People will identify how they want to identify, period.
Too often gay men want to label everyone and everything … This is a huge problem in the community as a whole. The fact of the matter is Human beings (Homosapiens) have sexual desires, period. Whether the other participant is male, female, trans, fluid or whatever has no consequence or bearing on any of our lives and it is completely between the two participants.
Live and let live, keep whatever identify you want to keep as long as your not committing any crime or hurting anyone in the process. What people do behind closed doors is their business and we all should mind our own when it comes to others bedroom activities period!
I absolutely hate straight men who have sex with gay men. I find it to be disgusting! Stupid perverts… They are always confused and don’t know what sex they want to be with. I’m sick of it! If you like vagina, stick to that. Don’t switch over to gay men just because she’s not giving you any. Ugh! Pathetic fucking losers! Seriously…
Most guy that identify themselves as straight and only have sex with other guys every blue moon are straight up bottoms! Everytime I had a chance to meet up with a cute guy that had a wife of girlfriend they always wanted to suck my dick and have me to fuck them. Usually they would top me the first time then from then on they would be the reciever. I think this has something to do with them always doing the fucking so they fantisize about getting fucked by another man. The reason why they dont talk about it is because they are ashamed and would feel worthless to their woman.
how do you accidentally have sex with another man? you’re walking naked northbound down the sidewalk and he’s cartwheeling naked southbound and….
I don’t care what their justification is, I do not have sex with straight-identified men. period.
And its a blue moon in a leapyear…I hate when that happens!
And I always considered myself bisexual. I am attracted to women, not attracted to men. I am not into hugging kissing or any touchy feely stuff with a guy. I do how ever enjoy sex with other guys as much as with a woman.
Wow…..
After years and years of nagging uncertainty, come to find out I’m straight…..
Now I must go come to terms with my heterosexuality….
I have always been attracted to guys. I love the male body. With that said, about a year ago a “straight” friend, whom I’de fooled around with introduced me to his fiance, now wife. We 3 ended up having sex several times. Sometimes just her and me. Still into guys, but whenever she contacts me my dick is perpetually hard till we get together. Point being, get the Hell over the labels and enjoy who you have or will have sex with! Isn’t that the whole point of it?
I prefer those straight ones. They are masculine and have hair on their ass. We need more SMSMs in Charlotte.
I coulda told you all this 40 yrs ago.
been living w/ a str8 guy for 13 years now ….and yes he’s straight because he never reciprocates, and only watches str8 porn. Just oral, that’s all & only when we’re “lit” I believe the under the influence aspect allows the barriers to come down and dismiss the normal inhibitions that would otherwise not permit such behavior. He’s always telling me he’s not into doing it afterwards but the hours we do spend doing it tell a different story. I identify myself as bi at best – even though I have no desire to be with women – likewise the thought of being with an openly gay man doesn’t appeal to me either. Why does everyone have to be defined with a label?
Those guys are annoying. If you stop having sex with him he’ll be thrown a bit and probably soften his resistance. I get the label issue. I was 22 and dating a 39 yo Chilean pilot in Miami. I was not out. I also had a 26 yo very close straight friend that I have never had sex with. We were pretty much “bros” and after the pilot dumped me for another, my friend asked me to commit to him. He was on one knee in front of our friends(straight) and I probably said no because I wasn’t ready to be outed like that. With the way it is online and on these apps where you see 10 naked pics, etc before even hearing the person’s voice, in 2002 a man wanted to become my soulmate because of our bond at the time. If I had been more honest who knows what could’ve been and pride is just another barrier. He became reclusive and eventually found a woman that he’s been with about 10 years and made 3 children with. I hit him up on social through a mutual friend and asked did he remembered me and he responded “how could I, yes.” I still haven’t seen him in person in over a decade but he seems really happy and on the dad route. When I was emotionally disconnected it was easier meeting guys and the guys seemed interested in more. After I matured it’s like karma.
I think there are some interesting interpretations above,with some truth to them.I also think that much of them are based on the basic fear of labels,and deeply ingrained cultural societal programming regarding identity. Whatever way you look at it,we find ways to delude ourselves,for example the alcoholic who doesn’t drink before the evening hour,to fool ourselves,we don’t fit into ‘that’ box. the one thing that is transparently clear,that men who categerise themselves as not ‘that’ ,display as only men can do so well as a gender,in their pusuit of self gratification,their complete and utter selfishness.I have been on the planet long enough to have had my share of experiences with this ‘type’,and i recommend any self respecting person,male or female ,gay or straight ,leave them well alone,as they are decievers of others and themselves!
I couldn’t even read this stupid article to its conclusion. The article was that delusional, yes. To be frank, any man who has willing sex with another man is gay. To imply otherwise is simply ludicrous. Men who fool themselves into thinking that they’re not gay for fucking around with other men are, well, fools. And by the way, work on your math skills. Since when is 8 percent equal to “one out of three”?
Everything has a label these days. We live in a come and go world. No one wants to deal with another’s issues. Straight men are challenged daily by women in countless ways and collapse on top of you or rave about how easy the experience was. Not to say women are not explorers sexually. Let’s just say the advantage is high and label same sex individuals as specialists. Most women totally ignore the jewels-anus region. Nipples never touched. Tip or head of penis quickly sucked. Just observe daily how many straight couples of different ages have hot looking guys that give off the neglected sexually glance back at you. He saw you check out his ass, crotch, chest, and is intrigued by having being paid attention to. It’s your decision next on getting into the web of SMSM play plus all the moral/society factors.
It all points back to the sex though even for repeat requests so how do we as gay men separate or control our further emotions when he’s going back to her soon? Ignore him? Continue until one of you gets tired of the other? That’s the trick with SMSM. Who gets burned 1st? My personal opinion is most SMSM are avoiding the highly inevivdable path to gay. Along the path, he decided it’s not so bad getting down with dudes. He’s allowed to be as true to his nature as possible. Eventually, he has shaded himself gay whether that’s acknowledged or not. You may be the guy that was his 1st but chances are when the time comes he’ll make a different guy his partner, queen, king, or husband.
some people just dont understand sex is sex its a physical act. it does not define if you are gay or straight. If you blindfold a 100% staight man and suck him he is going to get hard and enjoy it.. if he was tied down and a man sit on him and rid him he will enjoy it. its just sex a physical act.
My neighbors assumed I was str8 because of the old cars, RangeRover, pickup, shooting guns, rv fixing, boat building, ex’s kids staying over,hot construction village people buddies, 20 something beer drinking pit bull playing twinks hanging around that goes on at my house. When they figured out I was GAY they told me to “GAY IT UP” for Gods sake and raise the property values. Im working on it.
The gay labelling machine just threw up all over the place trying to keep up with another useless finger pointing exercise…..sheesh. i guess it never gets old anymore…
I hate to break it to some of you, but there is no such thing a straight man or woman who is sexually attracted to members of the same sex, regardless of whether that attraction is ever acted on or not. Most of such people would be correctly categorized and clinically defined as bisexual, with some probably significantly far down toward the end of the scale toward homosexual. Insistence that they are straight is merely an attempt to avoid any real or perceived issues with being considered (internally, externally, or both) as bisexual or homosexual. But that denial is absolutely irrelevant to the fact that the attraction to both sexes objectively defines a person as bisexual. It’s amazing how many people cling to the ridiculously outmoded idea of sexuality as a binary pair, nearly everyone is either straight or gay with a few “weirdos” who claim to be bi . True heterosexuals and homosexuals (ZERO attraction, conscious or subconscious, to more than one sex) are probably relatively rare, and most people are at least mildly bisexual, even if they are largely unaware or unlikely to ever explore it. So relax, SMSMs and SWSWs, you are almost certainly in the majority among the population and shouldn’t be afraid of identifying, even if only to yourself or anonymous online message boards, as bisexual.
I disagree with the “another notch on the bedpost” sentiment. I consider myself gay and I have been with a few “straight” men. It’s always just based on mutual attraction – it’s not some sort of a conquest. I do admit that part of the attraction for me (and probably for him) might be the thought of “forbidden fruit”. The very first time I was with a guy, it was a married guy who very much seduced me, so it was not the stereotype of a gay man trying to “convert” a straight man.
We’ve all came from this little tug of war with our sexuality when we were growing up…don’t tell me when your mom popped you out of her womb that you immediately considered yourself as gay…it was a journey…growing up in a religious community can really damper your eagerness to say you’re gay now wouldn’t it? same with growing up in a really open-minded family….but we discovered along the way….I’ve had sex with both men and women…doesn’t mean I’m bisexual…because I’m not…I’m pure 100% gay….never having sex with a woman again ever! lol
Only shows men have a choice, and some do make a choice–to not be gay. Well, if it makes them happy…
I hooked up with a straight uy through a sex site. He made it clear that he was only looking for a blow job. I was hungry so I was happy to oblige. We have begun to hook up on a regular basis and I would consider us friends with benefits at this point.
He’s hot, nice, endowed and always horny. Why not?
Wow reading through the comments. it makes me sad to say that these SMSM have a more evolved view on sexuality than many of the men here demanding their heads. it used to bug my friends when I would divulge the identity of one of the many ‘straight frat boys’ on campus that I’ve hooked up with. “they aren’t straight” or “straight guys don’t bottom” are what I would mostly hear, their patience would when I’d tell them the ease and for the most part less drama I’d have hooking up with the fratties. it used to annoy me as well until I realized labels are only used by other people to make everyone fit in a box. I don’t care if the fratties began calling themselves ferrets if they still looked like they do I’d have ferret sex. I feel many gays (mostly white) get pissy about SMSM cause it takes away the exclusiveness of their minority status they lazily earn on their back. Being a member of the queer community doesn’t begin and end with who you sleep with. how about getting involved in your community even your friend group and be an example of the queer YOU want to be and help others be who they are is a lot better use of your time than trying to out every dude that gets a blowjob from another male
I’ve slept with a lotta str8 married/attached guys. The common denominator is that their girl just wasn’t giving it up or the sex was mechanical. While I believe they are bi or are deeply closeted, it really came down to satisfying their urges. And let’s just put it out there, great head and a tight ass beats pussy any day of the week.