Speak Out : “Masc Only”
It’s one thing to be happily single. it’s another when you complain on social media about how awful and impossible ALL of the men are. I keep seeing and hearing this. You realize YOU are one men too right? Are you this portrait of perfection you’re seeking? (here’s a mirror – would you date you? seriously…) I can’t help but wonder if you’re not paying attention to great guys who likely notice you and you ignore them or desexualize them or shame them for not having game. I have little sympathy when you post occurrence after occurrence of someone who might’ve been a great first or second date that you shut down because he didn’t put a comma in the right spot or said something that didn’t fit the box you expected to put him into. He must be out of his league. Perhaps he used “you’re” instead of “your” in a reply. God forbid he was typing fast or autocorrect jumped in on his iPad….haha Guess what? It’s not everyone else…it’s you. And I hope the friends cheering on the smug posts in the comments box will be there to share your bed at night…
This world is so full of pretty people…lonely, pretty people who are afraid to make a lasting connection with someone. Or we just sleep with them so we’ve already gotten the milk…no need to keep the cow. We dote on the difficulty of dating when really, we keep overlooking people who could potentially treat us better than we’ve ever known because they aren’t the right height, race, color, size, body type, status….wtf is wrong with us?
The sexy that lasts also surprises…it doesn’t always fit into boxes.
I think of someone I spent time with who treated me better than almost anyone I’ve ever dated. When I first saw him, I wasn’t impressed. He wasn’t unattractive. He just wasn’t my “type”. People in my circle thought he was cute but I didn’t see it. He, however, made his interest known and it knocked me over. Like full blown, old fashioned, courting style..Did he have issues? Sure, everyone does! But after our time together I now remember him as one of the most charming spirits I’ve ever met who (to this day) left his mark on how I should be treated. Now, I’ve messed up and accepted less than that since then…but alas, we learn from our mistakes….right? But if I’d just ignored him or never actually paid attention, I would’ve missed the experience of him. That would’ve been an awful loss.
So, a guy says something that wasn’t the best pickup line…dating can be awkward at first – ESPECIALLY when it’s via social media or dating apps. It’s easy to be so judgmental when our own insecurities are hiding behind an iPhone screen. Cut them a little slack…I mean, unless of course someone is being blatantly disrespectful or rude. Then by all means…go IN. Complaining just too often seems to be the band-aid constantly being refreshed until we actually take a moment to deal with our scars…
I’m too often guilty of this myself and I really have to do better. Masc, Fem, Black, White, Asian, Twink, Muscle, whatever…when you’re being yourself it’s magic. It’s beautiful. Let’s love on each other a little more…
I don’t see anything wrong with preferences simply because we know what we like and what get our juices flowing. Sometimes my preferences changes from time to time. I am 50 something and my preference right now is slim, young, meduim -dark skin black guys. If I get really horny and succumb to someone outside the box of what I seek, it’s not as pleasureable. I have to fantasize about a young black guy that I been with to maintain a full erection. Also it takes me longer to cum if I’m not with the one I want so while I’m with the replacement I have to again fantasize to get a good nutt…
He’s talking about relationships at the end of the day. Lol typical old creep
Old does NOT equal creep. You could also be called a total asshole, young heartless bastard, but labeling by age is not at all helpful. Young and old can be creeps, or they can be fantastic people, so please do not feed into stereotypes.
Well in all truth its our communities fault. Yes the individual has much to do with it. But we as a community have lost and forsaken peoples self worth. And have replaced it with an ever increasing shallowness. Theres a difference between seeking love and seeking someone to fuck. And sadly the vast majority of gay men are only looking for someone to drop a load with and then run out the door. I dare you guys to change your profiles from one thats obviously seeking a quick fuck to one seeking real and love. You’ll see how few actually hit you up and then see how many of those people are in it for something real or if theyre just playing you to get into your pants.
Spot on, man.
You completely missed the point if that’s all you have to offer in your comment Matt. and can you old men stop with the obsession over us black men, I mean honestly.
As a masculine man I have no interest in another masculine person…. never dated one and never will. I have masculine gay friends so we just agree to disagree. Handsome men do do it for men no matter your shape. I like the female looking, non flaming, who are smooth face and body who are fem, transgender or transexual. Before you ask I’m BISEXUAL too.
That’s a rarity. Most guys are constantly “masculine only” or “no guys who look like they carry a purse”. This is nice to see.
Good post!!!!!!
hummm. Come on over Wayne
Invite me anytime!!!!!
If a person knows their worth they well know the risk and struggle it can be to find a mate that meets their criteria, it is entirely up to the individual however to give some one the chance who may posses some of these qualities. How do I manage? Well I assure it hasn’t been easy always but it’s is important to know thy self and uphold our moral standards/fiber so we keep ourselves in check. then surround your self in the environment where possibly a Masculine man of your wanting may be. It is likely you won’t find him if you don’t put your self out there in the scene, I like to go for very intellectual masculine men, who are active and live a healthy lifestyle, someone who is multi-cultural and likely speakes more then one language, has a great vocabulary and obviously attractive to my liking. Yes I do expect people to have some peronsality traits I may see as a flaw but don’t we have them all? Every relationship must have their challenges, if you expect for both your sakes to grow in your journey of love and romance.
Who has time to COMPLAIN when their are Happy? That’s an impossiblity.
My major complain being Happily Single is an very small country is that the Gay and Bisexual community is SMALL.
At your age it would be extremely hard for you to see the other side of where the grass is green. In other words, change for you and others like you would take a miracle.. Because this image (slim, young, meduim -dark skin black guys) is what hold your sexual self together. And you’re probably not dating neither one of those guys…now why is that? They’re probably getting everythang they can out of you. Heres my question “why didn’t the image grow up as you grew up?” Instead of young guys why not those your age? Because this image you have to have during sex didn’t just happen over night. That took time to develop. It seems to you’re stuck in moment of youth. I could go so far as to say that you have pedophilic tendencies..but im not. My point is you will never find in another that is not in you. You will always attract like mindedness. If you want a good man, be one. PS. The love of your life is waiting for you. But he can’t right..there’s a block in the road. Guess what the block is?
Everyone has a preference. Everyone has specific attractions. Just like some people only like women or only like men, can’t fault them for not being attracted to anyone else. Can’t have it both ways. Deal with it.
I don’t care for effeminate men as a choice for sex or relationship but I don’t “hate” on them, either. I hope all guys can find the man or men that meet their needs and desires, but I understand what trips my trigger and what does not. How does that make me a bad person?
That said, I’ve met guys where there was some obvious chemistry between us (even if it was temporary) and acting on that chemistry over-rode my typical desires or expectations and that was a good thing, too.
There are a lot of guys (they seem to be younger) that only want to date or have sex with guys exclusively like themselves, whatever criteria that encompasses. Their loss (or not).
I have found that life is often the reverse of what it seems. I have learned not to base everything on looks alone. Last year I was in Fl. and was turned on by a friend to a guy with the prettiest face I’d ever seen. Back to the hotel and peeked in the shower and he had the absolutely ugliest body, flattest ass, and smallest dick I’d ever seen in my life. By contrast I had a “ugly” guy that liked me for years. Liked the attention but would never sleep with him. On a dry night, and finally feeling a little sorry for him I invited him home. Undressed he had a very beautiful body and the sex was so good I woke him up to do it again. The sad truth is most on here are looking for an adonis with a huge dick to sex us up one wall and down the other. But the truth is the man of our dreams rarely exist, and if he did he’s probably into something/someone else. So we go on looking, rejecting, and being alone. My advice is to take a chance. The very one you reject might be the very one to make you happy in the end.
Oh Jesus , not this whining shit yet again .
Look , I , like most others , have my tastes . If I see a fine guy and it turns out he doesn’t like what/who I am , no problem ! He has his tastes and preferences just as I do .
I love all of them and can appreciate intriguing and attractive qualities and characteristics in others even if I’m not attracted to them . And that includes the ladies as well , and I’m NOT bisexual .
As long as we’re civilized and polite to others that’s all that matters .
And this comes from a guy who does not date within his own race before anyone wants to jump on the defensive.
I believe we all have preferences and for some it might even be imprinting (like ducks) on a ‘type’ when hit puberty. As for myself, it was the beefy muscular compact type as seen on TV wrestling that struck a chord during my formative years. And yes, while have I dated and even ‘married’ men of other types, I always come back to the beefy muscular type in my fantasies. Incidentally, the current on again off again boy friend is a former college football player. Plus ca change, plus c’est la meme chose.
I agree with you on this “imprinting” hypothesis. I love Italian men, or men with dark features, and I think that’s because I grew up in a large Italian neighborhood.
When I was young and beginning to explore my sexuality, I did not discriminate against age or size. I am a professional writer. In a recent series I finished, the main character of the books based loosely on me found his life not going as planned. He kept finding “the one,” only to have it fall apart. In this series, he looped back and met himself in an earlier part of his own history. In disguise he became his earlier self’s lover for a period. Now I don’t know that anyone knows what writers feel or experience when they’re writing, but for me it’s like going into another world. In that world, this character through whom I experienced that world found the only man he successfully managed to maintain a long term relationship was himself.
Long story getting longer, yeah, I date me because I happen to know I’m an imperfect but pretty darned great fella. Yes I would date myself, if it was possible.
I think way too many gay men are all way too involved with whatever fantasy man they have in their heads, and they aren’t interested whatsoever in deviating from said fantasy man. It’s sad that the majority are so easy to turn away/out/down someone for not being their 110% ideal. Ideals are usually very hard to come by and mostly do not exist. How can anyone live up to a fantasy? I notice this happening in all relationships gay men have, even friendships. If someone doesn’t “look right” or like a clone copy of themselves they are rude, arrogant, dismissive and utterly contemptible. I’ve tried to chat up lots of guys who I just found something interesting in their profile, but because I don’t look like an underwear model they either ignore me or say the nastiest shit. We want to be accepted by the masses but yet to each other we generally aren’t very supportive. We all want to pin the shooting in Orlando on homophobic terrorism but if the report from the shooter’s on/off again gay male hook up, what sparked the shooting was how this man was treated by the community, not by radical Islam.
I still go back to the old saying, If I wanted to fuck a woman, I’d be with a woman! MASC ONLY!!
Well, Matt, if that’s the only thing that floats your boat, especially at your age (and don’t forget that us gay guys age much quicker – 25 is 30; 30 is 40; 40 is 60; 50, make plans on who wants chicken or fish for the funeral repast, because that’s where you are in the gay world). But – hey – if you can find that, more power to you. “Preferences,” as they say. We all have them. I do. I’ve done it with guys who fulfilled my preferences and had a wonderful time; I’ve done it with guys who fulfilled my preferences and I would’ve rather had root canal. I’ve done it with guys who were the direct opposite and had a wonderful time; I’ve done with it with guys who were the direct opposite and I thought I was having root canal. It’s not what they are; it’s what they can do. One guy who contacted me on another site was from North Dakota. Wow, talk about a state with few gay options. He only wanted a very certain, specific type. I fulfilled it. However, he only wanted to have sex while both of us were wearing pull-over, waterproof, hooded jackets with elastic wrists and waists. He couldn’t understand why he couldn’t find anyone in North Dakota who were into such specificity both in looks and fetish. Well, duh. He was willing to spend scads of dollars to fly out by me if I’d indulge him. I was kind. I told him it would be a waste of his money because I didn’t think I could satisfy him. You sound just like him. Good luck.
think that a lot of these men are very superficial. They deserve what they get for treating others bad. Exactly their is more to a picture or a perfect body. The skin ages but the heart grows older and wiser. The heart stays the same it loves and it never forgets. I believe a lot of men had forgot to love and now rely on sex to fill in the gaps in their life’s. It’s sad to know that the love of your life could be their right in front of you but you are too stupid or to cocky to even acknowledge him. Love has killed more people in this planet that any disease in this planet.
I have dated masculine, feminine, all races you can think of. Each man bough a uniqueness to our time together that I will always remember. I’m in a wonderful relationship with my partner who is the best thing that ever happened to me. I could have easily have thrown him overboard for the next hottest thing, but that would have been my loss for sure.
As I’ve gotten older I feel I’ve matured and learned a lot about myself. I don’t need a relationship to validate myself. When I was younger I had a checklist of the types of guys I wanted to be with and most things were physical overall it was a pretty shallow list. I cared more about how others perceived him, or perceived me for dating him.
Now, I’m pretty much open to anyone. I’m more concerned about how we mesh, or click, and get along, and how he treats, me, my friends and family and other people, than how much money he has or how big his dick is. A good personality and sense of humor can instantly make someone more attractive. I don’t just want someone who looks good on poet. I want someone who makes my life better, and a predefined checklist won’t guarantee I’ll ever find that. I have to be open to whosever comes my way.
People go for what they’re attracted to, that’s human nature and you can’t fault them for it. A masculine woman with a realistic dildo might also be the love of you’re life and you’ll never know because you’re looking for guys and never gave her a chance so your whole point is moot.
Who gives a shit how the next guy chooses his partner? When did we become a society of shaming people for knowing what they like? There isn’t enough time in the world to give EVERY Tom Dick & Harry a chance just because they’re male and you’re gay. It’s entirely possible to respect someone else’s preferences, methods, etc WITHOUT shitting on them from a skewed moral high ground.
So what they had sex and don’t want to continue to see each other. Sexual attraction is a thing and if you’re not feeling it, why drag it out?
Let’s not pretend choosing who you decide to date based on initial physical attraction is a bad thing. If someone isn’t into you, that’s fine- keep it moving. Obsessing about it and writing spiteful ‘Speak Out’ pieces doesn’t do anyone any good.
I agree with the post. Unfortunately most gay men are like that. We are swayed by a hot body and a pretty face. It can’t be changed. Water makes things wet. Most gay men are shallow. You can write one billion articles about this problem but the gay community will continue to be shallow. It won’t change. I will be very very shocked if gay men lower their standards especially when it comes to things like looks, body type etc.. It is what it is.
I have mixed feelings about this. Yes. There is a problem and gay men are way too picky. I have reflected upon this and this is my own personal opinion. To me attraction and sex are very important in a relationship. I am not saying those are the only things that count but if I am not attracted to the person or the sex is mediocre, it’s not in good faith to compromise and be in a relationship just for the sake of it. I am single and I don’t complain that gay men are picky. That’s fine. I am picky too. For some guys compromise may work, but for me it doesn’t and I am cool with it. I don’t need to be in a relationship.
If I am not fully attracted to someone dating that person pretty much equates to me being married to a woman. It pretty much defeats the coming out process for me. Some may find that crazy but that’s just the way I feel.
Jerry, Blah and Cory. I gather that you guys are young and that’s not excuseable for being ignorant. Believe it or not because you might find this hard to believe but every day you guys get older and older. What that equate to is that if it’s God’s will, one day you guys will be my age….I didn’t miss the point and I’m def not a old creep and resent that….. This blog is about if we limit ourselves to a certain type then we may miss out on something great. I’m guilty too because my preference is a certain type….Dave is saying “masc only” to illustrate how we with small minds think. We should treat all people the same and respect the difference in all of us. I went to school with a guy name Leroy. He went in the Marines and use to come home every so often and I always admired seeing him running down the road in those red gym shorts with the gold marine emblem printed on his short. He had the perfect muscular body (6’0 185). Very warm, nice personality and would give you the shirt off his back…..now he is 50 something diabetic, huge belly and overweight (325 lbs). My point is that he is still the kind, nice, warm guy that I went to school with. Let’s grow up guys including myself and try to find the best in people in general……
Wow. Whoever writes this is dumb as a rock.
Try being 64 years old, very fit, and with standards. I get hit up only by drug addicts or dudes with no car, no apartment, no prospects, and no hope of anything but a sugar daddy.
Get a damned grip.
i am black and feminine. i embrace it. im not your type? good
Hit me up on here… look for justrelaxnow!!!!!!
‘Masc’ is a subjective, relative term.
I’m 50. I know who I am and what I need. I’ve learned by now that no one will check off all the boxes on my Dream Guy list, but if you’re about 80% I’ll probably give you a shot.
More than 13% crazy is a deal breaker, though, no matter how masc you think you are.
It is one thing to find a person physically, mentally, or sexually attractive based on one’s preferences. It is another thing to automatically exclude without investigation that person who has (a) the wrong race; (b) the wrong age; (c) the wrong body type; (d) the wrong dick size; (e) the wrong position in bed; (f) the wrong substance i.e., I do booze but you do drugs or vice versa; (g) the wrong income; (h) the wrong education; (I) the wrong address; (j) the wrong zip code; (k) the wrong dress; (l) the wrong job; (m) the wrong hair; (n) the wrong approach to fitness; (o) the wrong car; (p) the wrong eye color; or (q) a male queen. You get the picture?
As a married bisexual male I appreciate the masculinity at times but it is not all that i seek out. I appreciate a guy who takes pride in their appearance and hygiene. Someone who is confident in themselves and a great personality usually does it for me. Oh and they have to be discreet.
The way I see it: Princesses gonna princess.
Yeah we should all appreciate and love each other a little more. Part of the “hookup” mentality is that you can always do better, so you’re always on the hunt for the next best thing. That does not leave a lot of time for appreciating what one has. It just takes some people a lot longer to learn this than others. All you can do is lead by example.
Well said Dave! It’s exhausting to hear and read. I’ve always like this advertisement from Sales, ” open your heart and love will always find it’s way in”. Still waiting for it, but grateful for the experience’s I’ve had.
Well said Dave! It’s exhausting to hear and read. I’ve always liked this quote from J. Seymore, ” open your heart and love will always find it’s way in”. Still waiting for it, but grateful for the experience’s I’ve had.
Freakin sucks being gay
Disclaimer: I’m about to make some sweeping generalizations. I recognize that there are exceptions.
1. “Shallow” is NOT a gay thing; it’s a guy thing. All MEN are to an extent shallow. How many straight guys do you see chasing ugly women? Why are the majority of women on TV, film, magazines, etc., physically attractive? It isn’t because women want to ogle attractive women. The husband who leaves his wife for a younger, more attractive woman is a cliche for a reason. The cliche isn’t “He left his wife for an older, less attractive woman with a bigger heart.” Men tend to base attraction on superficial, physical attributes (at least initially) and we tend to sexually objectify prospective partners. That’s how we’re wired. Don’t like it? Take it up with Darwin.
2. Shallowness is simply magnified in the gay male community because…well…the gay male community is comprised exclusively of…MEN. We make the rules. We impose the standards. And we’re shallow fuckers. Gay men are simply more aware of how shallow men are because unlike straight men we’re paradoxically also on the receiving end of that shallowness. (Ever hear straight guys complain about how shallow men are? They don’t see it as a problem because they aren’t subjected to it personally.)
3. Gay men who complain the most about the shallowness of other gay men are frequently hypocrites. Sorry, but it’s time to get honest with ourselves. I have a dear friend who does not conform to the conventional gay physical ideal. He has much to offer, but he is not by any standard “young” nor is he anything remotely resembling physically fit, and he complains constantly about how he can’t find a guy and how shallow gay men are. But the only men he pursues are about 25 years younger than him and usually in impeccable physical shape. He would never even consider a guy of comparable age and appearance to his own. I’ve pointed this out to him, and he insists that it’s not because he’s shallow; “I’m not my type,” he says. Incredible. He won’t overlook someone else’s appearance but he expects everyone else to overlook his.
Personally, I’ve on more than one occasion been accused of being shallow by guys who I have politely declined based ENTIRELY on their pics and stats. They were right, of course. I am shallow. But they totally overlooked the fact that they had approached me because they liked my pics. My profile doesn’t say much about me otherwise. It wasn’t because they gleaned some insight into my personality, character or interests. Total hypocrites. If they’re so “deep,” why aren’t they hitting on guys who look like they do? In fact, why aren’t they talking to guys whose profiles don’t have any pics at all?
4. Being “shallow” (I’m using quotes here because I think the term is largely misused in this context) is NOT a moral failing or character flaw. It’s human nature. We have no conscious control over whom we’re attracted to. I can’t override my feelings no matter how wonderful the person is on the inside. To condemn someone for that is absolutely ludicrous.
I think “James” said it best in his comment in the thread: “When did we become a society of shaming people for knowing what they like? There isn’t enough time in the world to give EVERY Tom Dick & Harry a chance just because they’re male and you’re gay.”
It’s not that I couldn’t potentially develop romantic feelings for someone that I wasn’t initially attracted to, but the odds are terrible (I’ve tried) and life is much too short. So we develop preferences to expedite the process. You like masc? Fem? Hairy? Smooth? Tall? Short? Younger? Older? Slim? Stocky? Whatever it is, our preferences are rules of thumb based on what we know of ourselves. There’s no right or wrong. If you’re like me, you don’t have a “type” per se, but you know what you like when you see it. If I don’t like what I see, then I disqualify that person. None of us has anything to apologize for or to be ashamed of about this. Looks aren’t everything; they’re just the price of admission.
Ps. I think “shallow” is a misnomer in this forum. Most of us do not assess potential friendships using the same criteria that we use for potential romantic interests.
You know what I’m really getting sick if? People trying to shame me for who I am attracted to. Seriously, we get enough of this from the straight community, we as gay men should at least be able to relate enough to know that you can explain what you like and find attractive, but you can not explain WHY you like it. You can say stuff like
I am always amazed that other men find me attractive. One friend said that I was a “desirable man”. I am 67 years old and have had most of my right rib cage removed because of combat wounds in Vietnam. The guys I go to bed with don’t seem to even notice! I have made dates with guys who I found undesirable once I met them, but since I made to date I followed up, and they were some very satisfying experiences. I try not to be too judgmental as I have had some nice encounters with guys who could have been judgmental toward me.
There was this one guy, tho………
@Nailman,
What about this one Guy…?
I think it should be approached as such…Have a few traits you must have, a few that you can’t live with, and leave the rest negotiable. I perceive physical perfection in a guy as someone who is too obsessed with himself. What usually turns me the fuck on is a look in the eye and a sincere smile