Speak Out: Gays & Friendship
(Photo : Active Duty)
Hi guys! Today I would like to know your opinion on a delicate subject, friendship with other gay men. It is something that I personally have a hard time with. I mean I have a hard time to find TRUE gay friends. I’m not talking about party friends, or friends to go for a coffee with, I’m talking about real friends. Friends that you know more than their name, friends that you can share happy or sad things with, friends that you can have a real connection with, friends that inspire you.
Over the few last years, I did a huge cleanup with my gay “friends”, simply because I didn’t feel authentic with them, I didn’t feel like I wanted to be around them. As some of you know, I changed my lifestyle a lot, started to be very dedicated to my fitness, nutrition, wellbeing, I stopped drinking, stop taking drugs and partying. I found out that most of my gay friends came from the party scene, which is no longer my thing, so there is no connection whatsoever with most of them. Last time I went to a party was last year and I brought my sparkling water but after 30 minutes, I left. I was like an alien with all these coke heads around me. All that to say that I don’t fit with this lifestyle anymore and that my “friends” were actually not real ones, but simply party buddies.
For the past few months, I’ve been trying to find new friends, guys that have similar tastes and lifestyle, it’s not easy. Most guys that I talk to online simply want to have sex. I found few guys that I think i can become good friends with but all others I feel are not looking for the same thing I’m looking.
But, I also enjoy being alone. My Motto: better be alone than in bad company. I like to travel alone, I get to meet random guys that I wouldn’t meet if I would travel with someone. I also enjoy cinema by myself too, but there’s some activities like going to the restaurant alone, I just can’t, especially in my city. I guess I would feel bad if someone sees me alone. All that to say that, I find it complicated to find real gay friends.
Dave
First off congratulations on your lifestyle change. I’ve been “clean & sober” (boy I hate euphemisms)going on 6 yrs & you’re right it does take some getting used to but it also takes understanding – your old friends are just that old friends you’ve changed & moved on & they haven’t doesn’t make you any better or worse than they are. You’re right in that it is hard to find good gay friends, seems like that sex thing gets in the way more often than not but it can be done. Just be honest & upfront & don’t push it, it will happen.
Wow Dave, you grew up a little bit did ya? Maybe in the end you will realize my previous comments werent so negative at all, but instead factual to how the community actually is…. you dressed me down good on the posting rules topic, and then you come back on this post and reflect exactly what i said over there about HOW PEOPLE REALLY ARE when you arent acting like them. Congrats on your life changes.
Exmil: I started my “transition” when me and my ex broke up few years ago. I didn’t feel the need to have “real friends” when i was with him, I had him. But when we separated I started to find that my friends were just plain connections, nothing more. They dont know me, I dont know them…and I wouldn’t want them to know me more actually, coz we dont have anything in common. Except partying, back then. But I dont party anymore. Last party I was dieting for a photoshoot, I brought my meal and my sparkling water and people were eating burgers and beer. I received more negative comments for my healthy habits than the coke heads around for sniffing their life away loll… what a strange world.
c’est ben vrai, de simples amis fréquentables pour juste des rapports sociaux, sont difficiles à trouver.
Je crois qu’il faut se respecter, si on aime la solitude, se donner du temps pour soi, et avoir des amis juste pour quelques sorties occasionnelles sans aucune attente envers eux.
Ce qui nous amène à être plus réservé et faire sa p’tite vie comme elle se présente.
Si on aime la compagnie, sortir du foyer et aller vers les autres tout en tenant à ses convictions.
Wow man I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN! For me I have a hard time finding gay friends because so many people tell me they would like to be friends when in actuality they just want to have sex or become my significant other and when they realize I’m adamant about just being friends they leave me high and dry. It honestly is hard to find guys in this community who would like genuine friendships. I think it has a lot to do with the level of sensitivity a lot of gay men have. For example, why is it so difficult to accept differences of opinion in another person. Some guys meet you and learn that you think completely differently then they do and they just say “hmph, no thanks”. Also, I think a lot of men in general just don’t care about being a genuine friendship after a certain age. I think life can harden a man to the point where he’s like, “I’ve been doing it alone so I don’t necessarily NEED a friend”. Don’t sweat it though, we aren’t the only ones looking for sincere, uplifting and inspirational friendships. Good luck to you buddy!
I’ve dined alone for years when I’ve toured Europe, the Caribbean, Mexico, and Canada — and the scores of times I’ve traveled for work around the USA. I take a book or newspaper, I watch the other diners, I flirt with the cute server guys, I strike up the occasional conversation with an interesting random guy. I never feel self conscious or lonely, even when I dine in my city alone. Try it.
I am a straight guy never been with a guy I live in north east Alabama I have been searching for a gay friend just because most are very loyal and there more so than straight friends no sex just friends so as my stand point I truly understand
I find this interesting. I was thinking about this topic the other day. I have a lot of acquaintances not too many true friends. I have notice online that many guys will have friendship listed, and even will say I mainly looking for friends, and if you even try to have a convo, they don’t respond or block you. So I figure there expect their friends to match what they want in a partner.
For me I am comfortable with me. I enjoy doing things alone as well. I go anywhere alone and think nothing of it. I will go to a restaurant a lone if thats what I have in mind to do. I meet lots of people there too…so I dont need a posy or a group of people to enjoy anything I want to do. I am ok with that.
I also subscribe to “Better alone than with bad people” Shed most of my friends when I moved – they seemed such superficial relationships and since the move have made only a few not so close ones. I think after a certain age it becomes harder forging friendships because we are more set in our ways and have less tolerance for”BS” (probably doesn’t hurt that we network socially less as we get older too)
Could agree more years ago had some really goods friends but sadly many have past away. Lately I find most of thegay men I meet have no real interest in being friends, they all seem to have some kind of secret agenda. I have some really good straight friends that I can depend on and share things with so I know its me. I also like myself not afraid to be alone but certainly not lonely.
I’m going through the same thing. I’m having a tough time finding other gay men who would like a true platonic friendship. It seems as if most of the friends I make are always straight.
But maybe it’s because of where I’m looking (ex. apps and such).
Generally speaking, making friends as an adult isn’t exactly easy, gay or straight.
I have never had a lot of close friends, but the one I spend time with most often is a guy I dated many years ago. It didn’t take long to realize we had no chemistry as boyfriends, but we had a rapport as friends. We have a lot in common, and we can chat about pretty much anything. My straight friends, as much as they try, sometimes are totally clueless when it comes to things that involve my relationships with other guys. When I talk with my gay friends, they know what i’m talking about
All so true. Finding buddies who enjoy dining with a good conversation is difficult. Drugs are not an issue with me. However it seems the only buds I have only want to go to the bar. And I wonder just how many of them are bi-polar as I ask some of them what they meant with a statement they made yesterday. They all deny even making the statement or say they do not remember. If what we talk about is so shallow and not important. Why say it.
A bartender made the comment I was the only one there that had his shit together.
I am beginning to think he may be right. Don’t take that as an ego thing. Just at word value.
Thanks
I don’t think it’s possible for gay guys to have gay guy friends. I say that for a ton of reasons. The blog author hits on one squarely…lifestyle issues. I have also found that sex complicates it beyond recognition. Most gay “friendships” I’ve observed have involved a group of guys who are wearing each other like jewelry. No one can afford for their “friend” to be too ugly, lest they not get laid, or too pretty, for the same reason. They are simply people to entertain you until you get your hookup arranged.
It sounds cynical, but I have far stronger friendships with any other demographic group than I ever have with gay guys. Take it for what it’s worth. Don’t agree? Good for you…it’s my opinion.
At the end of the day, real friends should not be based on gender or orientation. Of course, making friends within the party/clubbing scene hardly leads to real friends as most simply want to have fun. This in fact applies for the the straight scene as well. In my view, making friends, regardless whether straight or gay, is at work or through networking channels, also in school or in pursuing common interests. It can start with straight people or other genders, it must not be purely gay, then if there is common understanding, one will get introduced to other friends and maybe a gay will be among them. But most important is not to focus too much on the orientation.
I have several ‘true blue’ gay friends. We have been tight since we were teenagers, over 40 years. If anything goes down I know that they have my back. We made a vow when we were teenagers that we would always be there for each other. We have been there for each other through good and bad times. Through sickness and death and relationships. You can certainly find a sincere friend in the gay community if you look at the person’s heart.
Maybe you’re limiting yourself, by just looking for a True friend, that happens to be gay. There are plenty of straight guys to be friends with. I’ve got 5 best friends. 1 is gay, the others are straight. I met the straight ones I’ve know since elementary school. We’ve seen each other grow and change from boys, teens, adults into our 40’s. I met the gay friend when I was graduating from college on yahoo personals. I was struggling with my sexuality and he was free with his, but coming out of a rocky relationship with another guy. We talked online almost every day for 6 months before we decided to meet. I knew we connected online, but wasn’t sure how things would play out in person. Long story short, we’be been besties for 17 years. He made me feel comfortable about being myself. Hopefully I’ve given him something out of our friendship. Our friendships have stood the test of time. But all 5 of those guys are more like brothers than friends. So keep your options open when it comes to friends. Straight or gay, we’re all capable of building loyal and withstanding friendships. As with everything in life, it just depends on the individual.
Selrahc : thanks for the suggestion, I have few straight friends, but maybe I should look out for more.
We as men in our culture struggle finding good friends be we gay or straight. As a former Mormon, I thought I had good friends but they would drop away with change of assignments, church boundaries, etc. It was only after coming out that I discovered true friends. We cover each others backs, we are there for each other. Just last week my car died or rather the battery. One call and 15 minutes later a friend was there to jump my car and stayed with me until the car was fixed. So much different from my former life. However, worth noting, none of my best buds are party animals, looking for the next high. Those I think value the high more than friendships. Not surprised the author has discovered this.
I never had any luck with gay friends, they said wanna be friends but mean fuck buds, coupled gays friends only remember about me while the bf is busy or out of town so more like beat the boredom bud than friends. So not to sound fucked up but I seriously doubt gay are capable of genuine friendship more like tit for tat shit
The unfortunate reality is that sexuality and attraction inhibit the ability of gay men to form friends with other gay/bi men. Everything’s about hanging around guys who you want to fuck (or vice versa, which only exacerbates the problem) or trying to be hot all the time, which makes gay on gay social interactions artificial.
Gay guys can’t be themselves around each other because there’s always an element of sexual attraction (and people tend to not show their goofy, quirky, dorky, etc sides when they want to be seen as attractive). Bottoms have a better chance of befriending other bottoms and tops befriending tops since hey’re at least sexually incompatible (however, they’ll be competing for dick or ass sooooo…). Vers guys are screwed in terms of gay (sexless) friendships unless they’re monogamously partnered (which will inevitably become an “open relationship”) If a top and bottom are friends and haven’t fucked each other, one will be offended that the other doesn’t find them attractive.
Friends are friends gay or straight. I am lucky to have some spectacular gay friends. These are guys who would be there for me no matter what I need. I do have some gay acquaintances I wouldn’t count on. Interestingly enough, I have begun my relationship with some of my gay friends with a sexual encounter. It seems that for some of them that sexual tension had to be dealt with first and then the friendship could develop. I love my queer friends. They run the gamut of personality, looks, ethnicity and character. I feel like a lucky guy.
I have a lot of gay friends. Occasionally we fuck. I don’t see this as a problem. I suggest cultivating an interest in RPGs.
Theimateam : yeah, but I DONT want to fuck with my friends, but thanks for the comment.
Every single guy in here that has “looking for friends” listed is a liar, (I challenge them all to prove me wrong), I’ve looked, searched and reached out to all of them while I’m online and as soon as I say I’m just looking for friends they stop replying. I found myself in the hospital on xmas eve waking up from emergency surgery and grabbed my phone to see if anyone would care enough to come visit. I started texting and only 2 of my “friends” came. 1 came within 30 minutes -we’ve been friends for 20 years the other came the next day and brought me a charger cord for my phone without my even mentioning it. 2 real friends out of 11 that are within a few minutes away So, as of new years eve, having still not hearing from them, I decided to delete them from my friends lists online and from my phone. 4 months later I received, within 2 days, texts from 2 of my “exfriends”. It was my pleasure to reply, “who is this?” They both identified themselves. 1 was only interested in hooking up and I replied, sorry I don’t have sex anymore since the surgery, an attempt to get him to at least ask how I was or how it happened, but I would love to hit a chinese buffet if you like. His response was: “only if you’re paying.” Buh bye! The other just needed a ride. He wanted to be picked up at work, come to my place and use my shower and then be dropped off at a trix house and then wanted to know if I’d be around to pick him up and drive him home. He offered 5bux for gas. Buh bye!
It seems to me no one is online really looking for friends on a “self proclaimed” hookup site, but if you hookup and the sex is good you may find a fwb and if you are lucky enough to find a single guy you might go grab a bite after the sex and talk about stuff that is not sex related, so you might make an fwb. I haven’t given up hope nor have I stopped hooking up, but my eyes are wide open looking for true friends like the 2 I have living close by and all the rest around the country and from childhood.
Friends can be any age, any weight, any height, any race and any status. They can even be straight or female! These are the people you know, go to movies with, have a meal out with go shopping with, but you don’t have sex with, so why does it matter what they look like? IT DOESN’T! 🙂
I have mostly straight friends because I’m not out. Most of my friends been my friends for over 25 years and have no idea I go both ways. I have one bi sexual friend that I’m very close to because we have that part in common. I have a very close friend that is openly gay and I kinda resent him for coming out because I can’t go places and do things with him because of that character by association thing. He is cool with that because he respect my choice to stay closeted. Hopefully one day I will have his courage.
My best friend for over 30 years was another gay man. He died a couple years ago after complications with diabetes. We were very close. Lived together at times. Travel together. Shared with each other. I think what made our bond the strongest was the fact that we were never sexually compatible or even attracted to each other. I have never found another man like that. And I miss him.
I’m so happy I not the only one who’s felt this way.
I’ve never been into drugs or excessive drinking but I did loving going out to dance and look at guys back in the 90’s in Atlanta. The chemical dependence issue was a barrier to making lasting friendships.
Eventually the necessity of having to be at rehersals and jobs on Saturday and Sunday mornings made staying out all night less attractive to the point I stopped going out all together. Then it happened, I met other gays who were not dependent on chemicals and whom I shared intrest with. It was lonely and difficult at times being an sober individual with party boys everywhere you looked and wanting to fit in yet not letting myself.
Fast forward to now, I’m guessing the suggestion of friendship is just a polite thing we say now and life keeps us to busy to actually follow up on it?
As someone who is only recently sorta coming out after a 20 year straight marriage, this blog is incredibly depressing. I had always fantasized about how awesome it would be to just be with other ‘guys like me’, all banding tightly together since so much of the world misunderstands and hates us. I have not found that to be the case at all. Gay men seem to look for reasons to NOT be friends: too old, too young, bald, fat, fem, butch, and on and on. I am someone who prefers to do things with others, so after the upheaval of divorce, losing friends from that, and now starting to come out this whole friends thing leaves me fearing eternal loneliness!
Too many gay guys are entirely too self-absorbed to be a true friend. Additionally, too many gay guys are to insecure with themselves to be a true friend. Hence, most gay guys would rather go to bars and drink away their problems than actually have friends to talk to about themselves. Finally, look at facebook. Check your gay friends profiles compared to your straight friends. Chances are your gay friends have 5 times the number of “friends” than your straight friends. Gay guys are mostly about how they are perceived. Not about substance.
For me, I actually disconnected myself from going out and about to doing something more meaningful with my time. I mean I do the same things over and over. And my friends I have made over time simply are not always going to be accepting on what I believe in. I separate myself from people who were very political and they even disrespecting me because I have a whole different opinion from theirs but I don’t push my opinions on others because that is what they do. It is good to be alone because sometimes people can disappoint you. And it taught you to love yourself. And not need of others to love you to make yourself worthy.
And many of them really do embrace certain stereotype like the whole”no fat, no femme, no Asian” and it really hurts me.
Holy cow, you all love to stereotype. People claiming that is impossible for a gay man to have gay male friends? People claiming that everyone on this site who says he is looking for friends really isn’t? And all of the drugs? I think you guys are confusing “anecdotes” with “data.”
Maybe your drug-fueled friends aren’t real friends because they’re drug-fueled, not because they’re gay men. Maybe the gay men seeking friendship on this site don’t want to be your friend because you’re socially awkward and can’t hold a conversation. Maybe your experiences are unique to you and don’t suggest a larger truth.
I’m on here looking for friends. I politely yet firmly decline the guys looking for sex. Anyone taking hardcore drugs is a no-go. I’ll chat with anyone regardless of age or race or looks, but if you initiate a conversation, you’d better be able to keep it going. If we meet up in person to hang out, I will let the nascent friendship die a natural death if you don’t know how to interact with other people.
I’m a gay dude. I have very close, non-sexual gay dude TRUE friends who have my back if I need them. Our friendship isn’t based on partying or drugs or fucking; it’s because I can be a true friend to them. If you can’t find a true friend who is a gay man, maybe you’re a gay man who can’t be a true friend.
Well if a lot you guys stop looking in the mirror and thinking that you are” Gods Gift to men.. And really find someone that’s cool to just hangout with. great folks, and not worry on what their bodies or face of color of there skin is you can find great people.. This is strictly a sex site not a good friend site.
Chris : I disagree, A4A is a site for whatever you’re looking for. Guys got married after meeting on A4A, some found best friends, some found lovers, some found regular fuckbuddies.
Congratulations on your lifestyle changes… I wish you the best in the future! This was a really good post… I’ve been fortunate to have a small group of friends who have grown into brothers–closer than my own family! We have been through ups and downs together and still continue to grow and better each other. It’s so enriching to my life to have the friendships I have..I hope you all can find the same.
I hear your question. First of all congratulations for changing your mind set. Before moving back to my roots of a family member. I lived in indianapolis 15 years. Had great friends. Out and about Indy was a group for activities, such as plays, dinning or fall foliage train ride. Now I face different challenge. Trying to make gay and straight friends. Small town USA, lol. Isolation is a word and it’s lonely.
I just wanted to say it’s hard at all in today’s world to find a good buddy. Straight or gay it’s not easy to connect in a world dominated by cell phones and social media. A world where people don’t truly connect is a world of strangers who know each others names and very little else.
I guess I am lucky. I can count 5 great “gay” friends, 7 “striaght or mostly” friends. My friends are longterm, most over 20 years, one an ex of 10 years together. It just depends on how you click or the vibe. I dont hide anything,i dont expect them to either.
My situation is the same, and like you I’ve changed my lifestyle as well, 11 years ago when I turned 30, everything just changed. I used to be a big partier, a slut and hung out with the wrong people. That’s the past and no longer. I went from one extreme to another.
In my experience, I think friends with another gay guy is extremely difficult, it’s either sex or long term, mostly gay men want sex and get bored easily with the same person.
It’s easier to be friends with females as there’s no tension or expectations.
You know, Dave…you might not have “good” gay friends, because you’re always looking at their physical aspects first, as if to say, “I don’t want friends who aren’t fuckable.” You KNOW that’s true…that’s why you don’t have any REAL friends. I have a VERY few REAL friends who are gay, but they’re friends for life, friends I go out with, friends I go over our deepest secrets and problems with. You can’t do that with str8 people or women that many guys collect due toe “fruit fly disorder”….they simply do NOT get it.
MistrFistr : I don’t look at physical aspect, I don’t care. My girl friends are all shapes and sizes, some have kids, some single, some are average, some are gorgeous. I’m not 12 years old and certainly don’t judge a book by its cover like you do in ALL your comments on the blog:)
That being said, I want friends that I have affinity with. Guys that like fitness, traveling, sports, style/fashion… because we need to be able to do things together. If my friends and I don’t share any interests together, they wouldn’t be my friends, right? For example, I can’t imagine being friend with someone that eats all his meals at McDonalds, who hates fitness, who doesn’t like to travel, doing any sports, or hates to shop. There would be no connection whatsoever.
First congrats on your lifestyle change; there is always room for improvement no matter what age you are.
The problem with true “gay” friends is — think about it… straight men tend to befriend other straight men. Gay men seem to befriend other gay men, but you don’t know if there’s more to it (such as attraction) or if there’s a ulterior motive. I know, I know, it sounds very pretentious but just think about it. For example, one bad thing about a lot of us (including said company) is that I think we tend to befriend people we are attracted to. And that could be awkward towards the “friendship” if say, one drunk night that “friend” hit on you in an unflattering way. Or even if sex were had, you weren’t feeling it as much as he was…
I mean really, when’s the last time you saw 2 bears, a twink, and jock having dinner together?
And even if a guy that hits on you on an app is not your type but has pleasant conversation and wants to meet one day, how quick are you to meet that guy vs one that is your type that hit on you?
And it’s rare to find true friends on any of these apps or online. All I can say is I’ve had better luck with befriending gay guys truly by meeting them out than on an app like Scruff or even A4A. (I live in Atlanta, a fairly large gay community). At least you can see what you’re dealing with up front. Then go from there. Good luck guys
Gay men friends has never been my thing ever,but when I did try thay turn out to be not really nice people.it was always something some type of drama and I’m just not into that. I am a Aquarius a social person and like meeting all types of people black or white or other I find today that you can not be friends with a gay man thay always think that is some type of competition when it’s not so I prefer the company of a woman any day preferably older Wise Women because she know what she bring and I do to.we respect each other and enjoy life together and we can confide in each other good or bad we know our place,so being alone is OK when I’m not with her.I will always pick a older wiser mature woman over a gay man any day.
As we get older, we all find that acquaintances may be many, real friends are few. No one knows where a real friend comes from. You don’t just go out and get a friend, you cannot select them as you might a lover.
They transcend the physical and connect to us viscerally. We share our inner-most selves with them.
None of this is neat and tidy, every relationship takes work, especially our friends. Real friendship requires nurturing, honesty, forgiveness, and unconditional love. But remember, you get back what you put into any relationship so real friendships are a reflection of who you really are.
Especially in a large city where casual sexual liaisons are so easy, finding and maintaining healthy and lasting friendships with other gay can be more work than some men are willing to accept. I think that, no matter what habits we form, everybody wants to have relationships in their lives that don’t have the conditions usually attached to more casual pairings – its part and parcel of being human. Whether we admit it to ourselves or not, it seems that everybody has an agenda, a fantasy, or just a life pattern that they are working through over and over again, and it can be extremely hard (for some, nearly impossible) to look past these dysfunctional aspects of our lives as gay men, to see something real.
On the plus side, though, we are a very hopeful and optimistic lot underneath it all, and, if anybody can make enough magic to build a profound and lasting connection to another person, then we, as gay men, can. We just have be willing to do the work.
I can honestly say that not one “FRIEND” I have is a gay man, butI have a ton of lipstick lesbians as friends. Since we have become so homophobic in the gay community and affraid of men even remotely fem, I have found most gay men either wanna screw me or leave me alone. I’d rather be alone on a Friday night with Chinese and netflix, than feel rejection and judgement from my own people.
Wow, great topic Dave. For myself (who is Bi), I really don’t rely on sites for freindship… and do not have a high expectation because of past experience as we all had some good and not so good ones.
I agree with the majority, it seems that most guys are superficial. I have 3 so-call friends, all three I would not consider “real friends”. I say this because I am the one who calls/txt to see how they are doing. The only time they call is when its convenient for them. Currently, I am definitely in the process of no longer staying in contact with all 3. What amazes me about the gay community is how some Ppl are so self-absorbed… yes, there are some in the straight community as well, but the subject at hand is “gay friends”.
As you said Dave… rather be alone than in bad company. Who needs that kind of drama in their lives? Not me!!
It is hard to find platonic, gay friends. I have been using this site to find a gay friend. No luck so far, but I maintain hope in finding one.
Gay men can’t be friends period. I had a gay friend and each time we would go out to eat at a family restaurant, he would act all “gay” lips smacking, finger popping, neck roll to the point I was so embarrassed. Saying he didn’t care if people know but whenever we would go out to the “village in NYC, at a gay bar he would act like a choir boy. I had to call him out on his behavior. Grown men should act and conduct themselves so. He has done it on several occasions, and now we are no longer friends. I’m happy about it. Some gay men can be very catty, jealous and dwn right vicious. And it takes a lot to be a “real” friend no matter what your sexual preference is.
The flaw in your logic is that you depend upon sexual attraction to develop friendship. Have you ever considered the concept of community? In the fight for our rights and freedom decades ago we united as a community; with a shared mission. From that many friendships developed. I have a circle of friends with whom I’ve shared a lifetime of ups and downs, both the good and the bad. While some within our group have become life partners in the ensuing years, most of us have found our sex and partners from outside our “family.” And it really is a family. For most of us our family of choice is far more richly rewarding than our families of blood. I think some of this is definitely born of our shared struggle for acceptance and liberty as a gay community. We huddled close to protect one another from the very real threats of our generally homophobic world of the time.
I like my party buds. We hang out, party, chat about life, work, our ups and downs. And we help each other out when needed. And yes we drop each other a line when we have it to spare. We still laugh AND cry with each other. I just miss the days, and nights when we had to shower after
Why do we always label things? Why put limits on friendships? Work toward gaining friendships with anyone and done become bromances in the best sense of the term. It is possible and doesn’t have to have sex as a main factor. I feel lucky to have great friends – some just from online and not personal meets — and others, doing both. Gay, straight – whatever — friends I have are a gift!
I’ll be your friend
True friendships are tough for many gay guys because they require give and take. They requure understanding. Those are tough orders for many gay guys because they live in “Me World”, a place where it’s all about what I want, what I need and what my requirements are.
That’s not what friendship, or long term relationships of any kind, are about. True friends have imperfections. True friends have loves, jobs, and commitments of their own which trump “me.”
I have friends … straights, gays I dont play with, and gays I do. They’re all different. They are people I’ve gotten to know over the years who have value because of their character. Not their bubble butts, or clothing, or social network, or money, or property, etc. They are my friends not because they meet some list of requirements, but because they’re great people on many different levels.
@Blog,
Sorry, but A4A is overwhelmingly designed and used as a hookup site, and the fact that the ads are almost exclusively for porn or sex toys pretty well proves that to be the case. Sure, it CAN be used to find friends or dates, but I also CAN use a wrench to pound in a nail, even though it’s not designed for that purpose and a much less effective tool in accomplishing that goal.
Luftwaffe : I can confirm that when we started A4A almost 15 years ago, it was made for dating, with no porn ads. But as it grew, we had to find a way to generate revenues to pay for the expenses. Many guys use it for sex but many guys use it for dating as well.
I myself have less than a handful of friends. They are close, platonic friends and all happen to be other gay men. The “gay community” is filled with drug abusers, prostitutes, sluts, and mentally unsound men/women. I have no use for the “gay community “, nor do my close friends. I refuse to let me sexual preference define my whole existence.
Im 42, left home at age 17 live in Seattle, SF LA Sacramento Denver Kansas city and traveled all over the US for my work and my art I have tons of gay guys I know on facebook, from the bars/clubs, coffee, dinner parties, sex, and such but I’d say they are “all” casual acquaintances nothing more where I have many straight guys/gals I would call true friends, live long, xmas cards, I heard you was in the hospital anything I can do for you kind of friends I have yet to have a straight friend let me down, lead me on, lie to me, use me, need something from me, where when I hear a gay ‘so called friend” say can you?? I cringe lol think it’s a life style thing a way of life an tend to spend my life in the straight community to avoid the PnP the drugs the users the fakeness the gay life that seems to be the norm I know there’s “MANY” up standing gay dudes but seems far n few LOL
I can honestly say I have a gay friend and the friendship is genuine. I guess I’m one of the lucky ones. My best friend and I met at the local gay bar and we instantly made a connection. We have never been close to doing anything sexual with each other. We started out just chatting and going out together to the bar. That turned into going to each other’s houses to hang out and going shopping, to the movies, bowling, etc. we have been friends for five years. I moved to St. Louis and left my best friend but we stayed in contact, especially since we were only an hour and a half from each other. He’s been here to hang out with me a couple of times since. He recently moved to Florida with his fiancé and is already planning a trip to come here to visit and I am planning a trip there later this year. That’s what true friends do. We talk and text regularly. We tell each other our deepest secrets. I refuse to lose my best friend just because we live many miles away from each other. If you’re lucky to find a genuine friend, hold on to them. It’s a great feeling!
Well Dave, it looks like we’d be compatible friends on paper.
Fitness/Sports: been involved with sports from age 5 through college. Workout regularly to things in working order.
Traveling: been to 47 states, 5 Canadian provinces, Europe, Greece, Crete, Australia.
Fashion/Style: can’t say I know that much about fashion. But I know enough to know what looks good on me. I’ve got a handle on my style.
Unfortunately, it’s not that easy to become friends long distance. Unless you find yourself in Austin, Texas.
Selrahc : I travel 🙂
“I didn’t feel the need to have “real friends” when i was with him, I had him.”
This is a major mistake that is too easy to make. Friends are not placeholders until you find a BF or because you don’t have a bf. You HAVE to maintain your own separate friendships when you are in a relationship. I have a friend who calls several times a day–unless his BF is in town. We’re not having sex and never have, I know bf really well and we like each other, but when they are a couple, they hang with other couples. I have told him I am not “filler” for when he is bored.
Friendships, like all relationships take work. A lot of boring, at times annoying and frustrating work. But can the pay off can be great. My best gay friend of over 30 years is a treasure.
My brothers buds who are straight know I’m gay and make a trip to use my restroom when drunk to pee since tiolet is doorway in view from my bed. Since I can see them peeing, which I really don’t mind and it’s their I want head bro time. But I do have more straight buds than gay because gay guys are caddy. But sometimes it can work both ways. I don’t mind and I’m opening my mouth to tell ours friends I blew him or he busted a huge load and I swallowed to I gargled his jizz.
Kenp5555 – if you ever want to talk, I am willing to be an email buddy. My handle is my name: janus2005
@ me – if you would like to have an email buddy, feel free to contact me. My handle is my name on A4A: janus2005
I meet men online and through real life. When on A4A or another site, even if I’m horny as hell, I almost always state the purpose for us to meet up is to test chemistry and go from there. I do that to prevent setting expectations that can cause performance anxiety, disappointment, or can limit the introduction’s potential. That actions actually removes the whole “sex only” association with the meet up. I’ve met up with several guys on A4A that there wasn’t sexual chemistry, but we had a great time talking and hanging out anyway. It wasn’t a waste of time for either of us. We continue to message each other back and forth casually from time to time and when we accidently run a cross each other in public we say hello and small talk. Now, men that I’ve had chemistry with usually start out as great FB or FWB, however that almost always fades over time to one of two things – casual/distant acquaintance, or into being platonic friends where we’ve gotten to know each other enough where we help each other out with errands, yard work, dinner, movies, having drinks, helping them find a bf, etc. Sex may be an initial common ground but it shouldn’t limit or prevent you from taking that connection into a different direction. If always had several acquaintances and a few best friends. The best friend I have that lives closest to me was someone I met at a small sex party. We had fun and decided to meet up more and play but it quickly grew into being platonic and very bro-centric. That was almost 7 years ago. We don’t have much directly in common but we are both intelligent, diverse on our knowledge and interests, and find each other very interesting, helpful, genuine, and honest. Well have learned a lot from each other because of our lack of shared interests. We leverage our experiences to still relate and empathize when talking about different or unfamiliar subjects which contributes unique perspectives that we share to help each other look at things differently or try something new. We talk, text, hang out, house site for each other, etc regularly and without feeling any artificial need or effort. Every person I “meet up” with has the possibility of turning into a Great friendship just like him and I have. People grow close to each other and can drift apart. Those are situations but not a definition to a friendship. Tear down the walls you have when meeting someone new. That initial dose of being real can encourage an honest and good person to step out of their shell to be real too instead of the stereotype front they might use as a social barrier in unfamiliar situations.
I feel you guys on this, but I often say better alone than being around a creep. Sadly it;s hard to be friend unless you into sex. I thought I would be safe choice because most gay aren’t my type for dating anyway. I tried the friendship thing years ago and I thought we were cool until he seen what my type was. After so many month he complained about my taste in dating. Both of us were masculine I’m total top and he was a verse bottom. I figure no problem since we will never have sex. One weekend I had a private BBQ at my house and fems, transgenders, and masculine were they. When came his first comment was I didn’t know you be around those kind… what kind you mean. He said those fags and sissies… what you mean by that. He repeated and I pointed out the transgender I was dating at that time. He replied OH you can fuck that trash but you scared of a real man… he was history from that day forth. This my problem with having gay friends… a lot of BS resides in the LGBT community. I mean friends don’t have sex at least no in my world because things change once you have sex. Too many racial and orientation problems are their even though many refuse to acknowledge it. If we’re friends accept our differences and embrace what we have in common beyond sex. I prefer not to discuss sex if you hate certain types within our communities.
well i guess i am the exception to the rule…some years ago when i moved to california i was in a bar and i met my friend . over the years we have stayed friends and shared a great deal together…there was not sex..there was not partying or drug..we are still friend some 25 years later..friends come into your life..you can’t go out and find a friend it take years to forge that bond..the gay community is so transit..we meet in and never even make that connection..i have been blessed with a number of good friend some straight some gay..people i can count on in time of need or when i just want to talk and share my feeling…my advice stop looking for friend and just be open to them when the come along…