Gay Stuff : Formula for Disaster
NOTE: As a counselor, I sometimes find myself in the midst of the developmental stages of a major disaster on the horizon. The following scenario is real and only the names and places are deleted to protect the innocent from the fallout. Now for the facts:
A young teacher, age 28 in a European capital city, asked for my assistance with his frustrations concerning his sexuality—whether bisexual or gay. I learned that he is fluent in English and has responsibilities with Olympic activities. He is the eldest of two sons in an Eastern Orthodox family that lives in another city in his country where his father is a medical professional. They are unaware of his frustrations with his sexuality and certainly would not condone any idea of his possibly being gay. He states having had sexual relations with females in the past but only a single encounter with a much older man who sucked him off. At this juncture in his life, he wants to explore his gay side and discover whether he is bisexual or gay.
Later, I discovered that he is already involved to a minor degree over the past year with a 62 year-old man from another European country that he met through sporting events. They have met in hotels where their sexual activities have been oral and not anal to this point. The older man seems to remind him of the time when an older man sucked him off when he was about 21. This time, the older man fatherly encourages him to move to his city and live with him and his 45 year-old wife. He is offered employment with living accommodations. Then comes the startling fact: The older male wants him to sleep with him and also with his wife as he watches! WOW!
A scenario for disaster is now in the developmental stage. The 28 year-old does not want to sleep with the guy’s wife—only with him. All who read this can see the storm brewing as the wife is tossed aside and cannot get service from her 62 year-old husband because he is busy banging his new playmate—age 28.
I have not been able to convince the young male that he is going into the eye of a hurricane with nothing but the sexual excitement of a older dominant bull top mounting him regularly at the expense of his wife. This house will fall as if in an earthquake and the young male will find himself wondering what happened! He certainly is not taking my advice.
A4A members, have you experienced anything like this in your encounters?
SexCounselor4U
Sounds like the 28 yo is emotionally immature. Some people have to learn life lessons the hard way. Maybe ask the guy how he would feel in the wife’s situation if someone moved in on him and his partner and took over his bed duties.
My doctorate is in psychology and there are several schools of thought as to how to conduct therapy with the behavioral approach (changing behavior eventually changes thought) being quite popular in the sense of practitioners using it.
The first question I would have with the young-to-old partnership–and that being all the younger guy gravitates to–would be to explore mother/father issues he might have. Was he molested as a boy by a much older man and is now revisiting it–which people do.
There is nothing wrong with the age difference or even a three way, but the younger guy does not seem to be an equal player/participant, but rather a pawn of a greedy man.
The young guy has major psychological issues if being the third wheel in a relationship does not give him pause. He should also be given pause with the “you can live here I’ll find you a job” stance because that makes him beholden to the guy.
He has major blinders on.
UPDATE: The young male is moving forward with his plans as this appears on A4A. He is so much smitten by the 62 year old that nothing will stop his move to the city where the older male lives with his wife.
If the younger man does not want to sleep with the wife could be an indication that he is gay and not bisexual but not necessarily. Perhaps he prefers a different kind of woman or is simply not into a menage-a-trois.
While suggesting that this type of involvement may lead to an extremely messy situation, a 28 year old man is certainly old enough to bear the repercussions of his actions.
Encouraging him to involve himself with men his own age might be a better solution but if he’s the type that prefers older men, he must be ready to accept that older men bring different things to a relationship than someone closer to his own age.
Sometimes it’s best to let people make their own decisions and simply be there for support when they need it.
He’s a grown man, albeit an inexperienced one. He’s entitled to make his own mistakes, and to learn from them.
The older man’s request is nonsense, and it should be declined immediately. This is why gay men should not become involved with married/bisexual men. That’s something your young man will have to learn for himself.
At 28, he’s old enough to go somewhere by himself and build his own life, away from family interference. He has to figure that out.
buzz off. this is between 2 consenting adults, and dint think for a moment the wife isn’t aware. Good god leave the man alone…if it’s a storm he will learn from it. Quit building a bubble of protection.
He needs to run away like he’s running for a Gold medal. Whenever you bring another person in your bedroom will become a very messy situation. My advice is to break it off with the married guy, don’t move in with him or in his town. What I love most about European countries is that there views on homosexuality is way better than here in America. He’s young and should try and see/date guys that are single and around his age range. He don’t need to be the 3rd wheel in anyone relationship. Have pride in his self worth. He deserves so much better. Let him know that. He deserves a love of his own.
I don’t think you are a very good counselor (sex, or otherwise) if you are posting this here.
Been there….done THAT! Yes, he’s headed for choppy waters….the 62 year old. The kid doesn’t care, and first sign of real trouble, will bail, like they all do these days. The 62 y.o. needs to dump this kid…he’s a homewrecker!
I think this is every true bisexual guy’s dream, but is as rare as a solid gold unicorn . Anyone out there looking for a late 40’s college-educated, funny, adventurous bisexual concubine please come find me!
This is a recipe for disaster! The young man will get his heart broken in the long run in my opinion. The older guy will never leave his wife and he will just be the mistress on the side. As he gets older he will be replaced with a younger version of himself. I have personally seen this happen to people I know.
and I thought I had problems……..
You are spitting into the wind. This happens every day in the gay world. A couple brings in a third, lol. Youre just asking for trouble. He’s going to come out fine, but as for the couple, sad for the wife anyway,
I haven’t been in this situation, but I can definitely see trouble brewing. The 28 year old is crazy if he thinks he won’t be tossed aside after the older gent is done with him. He’s not going to give up his marriage for a plaything.
As a encounter or regular play time it might be fun . as someone who is bi it sounds potentially . But as a living situation it sounds more like a crash and
As a encounter or regular play time it might be fun . as someone who is bi it sounds potentially hot . But as a living situation it sounds more like a crash and burn
Hey, bigbimikey, get here to me, I’d love to have you. As for the 28 yr old, hell, kick the wife out, and enjoy the ride, gonna happen anyway , no marriage left it sounds. I want a situation like that but want a younger stud for my top.
A few pieces of advice for Junior…#1). Don’t have sex with other guys that are married-regardless of the marriage status, there is a commitment. #2 For Grandpa-Don’t have sex when you are married to someone else and to someone who is old enough to be your son. It completely disgusts me when people cheat on each other and/or have open relationships…Pick a fucking lane and stay there…
Your title is quite correct, we all know this isn’t going to end well. Maybe your contact will read all these comments.
The young guy is on track to lose the most, he’ll be in a different city, dependent on this older guy for lodging and a job and the sexual activities sound like they are over his head.
Of course, when you are young (and stupid) sometimes you just won’t take any advice. He is going to learn his lesson the hard way. It looks like everyone commenting here knows this already. Sad story.
It sounds like that the 28 year old man wants a lifetime with someone who he knows he has no possible future with even when one of the 3 of them passes away. I dated a guy who was 15 years older than me and I’m not ashamed to say that I fell in love with him but 2 months before he died, we were planning on getting married. We had dated for 4 years before he ended up proposing to me. I knew in my heart that I had found the perfect guy for me when I first met him but love is blind and sometimes a young guy will seek it out even when the other guy/girl is already spoken for. My advice is this to him: Find someone who can feel your heartbeat or that you know you want to be with forever. Don’t worry about being with the first guy who gives you a chance to explore your sexuality
the so-called 28 year-old ‘young man’ is absolutely old enough to formulate his own opinions and rationale and he is obviously delusional and being manipulated by a perverted bastard who doesn’t have the balls to admit he’s gay (he’s still married, after all) and the only one i feel awful for is the WIFE!
i recently met a mid-40’s dude who had just divorced his wife (they had 2 girls over the course of their 15 year marriage). i asked him: ‘while you were married to this woman and having babies and ‘in the closet’, how many guys did you fuck during that whole time?’ he told me he had sexual encounters with more than 40 other men during his fraud of a marriage…again: the POOR WOMAN is the victim here, having spent nearly two decades living a life that was a total lie; the two children are going to have to deal with this for the rest of their lives. this guy is no longer in my life, as i told him to man the FUCK UP and BTW: it’s 2016 you stupid, selfish, ego-ridden asshole, so there is ABSOLUTELY NO EXCUSE FOR THIS BEHAVIOR…he knowingly cheated on his wife and betrayed his two daughters and actually is so FUCKED UP in the head that he believes his family is totally okay with this and went on to tell me his daughters were completely adjusting to their gay dad and his wife and him were new best friends….REALITY TIME: your children will grow up fucked up in some manner thanks to the sins of their pathetic excuse for a father; his parents and relatives are NOT okay with this and are ashamed as fuck, and his wife, if not yet, will absolutely become a woman scorned, which we all know is a force of dark nature….i feel so sorry for these women, ALL OF THEM, in both situations, and any guy who can’t SWAG IT THE FUCK UP AND MAN UP and accept their homosexuality and move forward without leaving this path of carnage and lies is a total and complete LOSER and should just jump off a tall building and spare everyone his future lies and betrayal….
as for the 62 year old man, what can i say? he’s a fucking pervert and as everyone is proclaiming that the younger dude has psychological issues, they aren’t even close to being as FUCKED UP as that old perverted fart….i have no idea if his wife is aware or not, but if she is NOT and has one brain cell, the fact that this younger handsome man is sharing a bed with her husband and herself is immediate cause for major concern….otherwise, whatever she let’s happen is all on here at that point…but MEN are such fucking BASTARDS sometimes, GODDAM!!! how fucked up and selfish can you be????
therapist getting advise from A4A members… Now I’ve heard everything.
No backup plan. He thinks that this guy will take care of him. This is such a. Problem. It is like a girl moving half way across the world with her boyfriend because they are in love then he skips out after a few months with no friends and no way back home. Some survive others end up on the street sleeping with any for money.
Reminds me of a guy I met that was bi and his wife knew it. She thought it might spice up there life if they brought a 3rd guy in but after a few weeks she realized the other guy was more passionate with her husband and with her it was like a chore he had to do to get to her husband.
This looks like what is happening here. He wants this man so much that he is willing to join his relationship because he has to but this guys wife and the young guy will not mesh well. Depending on the dynamic I feel the wife will in short time lay down an ultimatum him or me. I would not want to bet a few nights of sex over a 30-40 year marriage.
A 28 year old educated medical professional raised by another educated medical professional can’t come to terms with being gay or bisexual and seeks help from a third educated professional whose research includes posting details on a gay sex connection website’s public forum. This despite the client’s stated intention to change his job and location in order to enter into a homosexual relationship with a married bisexual older man, ignoring any concerns about alienating his wife.
Two questions: Why is this man seeking counseling he has no intention of following and why waste your time giving it?
I forwarded all responses to this point at the request of the 28 year old. He wanted to know what others would be saying. However, he has not changed course and will be moving May 29th to be with his lover….albeit part time lover for the moment. Unfortunately, the more we oppose his actions, the more he is steadfast in making his move! (He is not a member of A4A.)
I would be VERY surprised if the counselor (1) has a degree and (2) is licensed to practice. In my profession, it is a massive ethical violation to discuss clients in public. We sometimes confer privately, but even then the therapist who has the client has to tip toe about maintaining privacy. I call fake.
Why is this something we’re hearing about? Discussing some else’s sex life like its relevant news. Who cares?
I have a similar scenario. I know of a therapist who listens to his clients and then posts the cleints problem on a sex hookup website to ask the guys looking for quick sex what they think their client should do and then passes the advice on. The sex therapist has been told that his actions are unprofessional and violate all known therapist client ethics but still insists on maintianing his unethical route.
What should he do? any suggestions will be passed on to the therapist.
have seen and been on this roller-coaster before I will not say anything to hinder him but I will say good luck it is truly going to be a bumpy and turbulent ride
The teacher sounds like he’s has qualities that will make him a great classic gay guy … he’s embarking on a risky journey, into a place that only has a fraction of what he’s seeking. And where the chances of a terrible outcome are great.
And when he crashes and burns, he’ll be “the victim.” The outcome will be everyone else’s fault.
It’s his life, of course. And his choices.
A sane, rational, responsible adult would pass on the older guy and his wife and invest his time checking out other guys with attributes that are a better match.
I’d rather speak to an ethical counselor who won’t divulge what we’ve talked about.
Matt, like others who have been critical of exposing a real-life situation, there seems to be a disconnect between situations revealing names of people and bringing attention to lifestyle situations that seem surreal. When no names are given, the anonymity factor protects divulging private info which was censored before it appeared on A4A.
First I must say: Kudos to you, Sexcounselor4u on bringing interesting topics for discussion. Irregardless of a couple of the negative comments here, the number of replies to this thread prove that it is relevant and interesting to many of us. Also coming from a background and education in psychology myself, I commend you for your work but also am a bit surprised by the lack of openmindness of your advice. The one word I kept looking for in all of the responses was “Communication”. This will be the most important aspect of success in any kind of relationship and certainly this one. I would agree with most in the fact that this type of relationship is not the “norm” and in a lot of cases will not work. However, that being said, with proper communication among the three of them it could work as long as all three are receiving what they are looking for and expecting from the relationship. It sounds as though from the info you shared that all three know and have a basic understanding of what they are getting themselves into. I’m not hearing any deception unless it’s one of the participants maybe deceiving themselves a bit. Luckily this world is made up of people with very different desires, goals and sometimes what seems strange to us is just perfect for another. The bottom line is; this kind of relationship can work or not work, it will be up to ALL of the participants in it to make it work if they desire it.