Speak Out : Sexual Harassment
Sexual harassment is grossly overlooked in the gay community. It’s almost institutionalized. Growing up in my 20s, I routinely had to brush off the unwanted advances or strangers and acquaintances. Just because we are both men does not give you the right to invade anyone’s personal space and touch someone inappropriately.
While modelling or when playing volleyball in a gay team, that is definitely something that happened to me few times. Some photographers, other models or other volleyball players were a bit intense. I feel like gays are more tolerant but some of us simply don’t like it. Now in my 30s, I am not afraid to say it when someone crosses the line, my line.
Have you experienced it too? A friend? A colleague? What is your opinion on that?
Dave
(Make sure to follow A4A on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, and Tumblr )
The same has happened to me in my youth. Then, as if to compensate later in life, no one will touch you, no matter what. Gay men tend to be rather shallow people as a group. (Well…SOME are deep, but that’d be off-topic.)
Not at work, but at the gym frequently. I don’t put myself out there nor do I like any kind of public play, but I find I’m brushed up against or touched fairly often. I’m there to work out, shower, and get on with my day. If you’re interested, catch me when I’m dressed and out of the locker room. Used to be afraid to say something, but now I usually just comment something like “Just crossed a line there, bud.” Usually does the trick.
Lol no one comes up to me in clubs 🙁
But if I don’t want you touching me you’ll know
I honestly am not bothered by it. I love the attention. But I can see how inappropriate it is when I am reading it from someone else’s point of view.
Don’t be such a wuss, as long as they are not whales or just nasty looking guys harassing you, just brush it off. You are not a pretty little delicate flower in fear of getting raped and impregnated by a rapist. If you are a man, defend yourself if things get nasty. A little grab here and there is not gonna kill you. Sick and tired of the hetero ideals getting infiltrated into our more relaxed gay environment. I am in my 20’s and I am good looking so no I’m not a perverted old man.
This is definitely true! Although being considered attractive by most (not to sound vain or conceited) can be a blessing, it can also be a curse. Especially in the gay community where men have a tendency to be very straightforward. Even some gay friends have tried to sleep with me, making me very uncomfortable. Just because we’re gay doesn’t mean we’re compatible. I don’t mind flattering compliments but the moment you make me feel like a sex toy, I’d rather not deal with it.
People touch me all the time. On the shoulder or knee, arm around my waist, or a hug…especially when I’m in my monk’s garb. I just return the enjoyable hugs.
Maybe that’s because I’ve always been a demonstrative person. Even in my youth, touching someone didn’t mean I had a sexual motive. Still doesn’t.
If I’m fond of someone, I touch them. I’m fond of an awful lot of people. If I sense they don’t want to be touched…I don’t touch them.
If someone wants a blessing..a touch is required…ending with a very light kiss on each cheek. It’s called the “Holy Kiss”. Nothing sexual about it. It’s kind of like lightly kissing your grandma.
Human touch is a requirement for psychologically/physically healthy human beings. Untouched babies die even if all other needs are taken care of. The need is innate…and has a healing quality to it.
It just happened to me . I got a younger glgay guy that I am his mentor at work . he’s cute but definitely not my type plus I don’t socialize with coworkers caused my life outside work is nobody’s business. So I was giving him some advice and coaching and after the session he ask me for my cell number in case he needs to get hold of me . so I did that . later that night my phone ring. He called me and after I said hi he immediately said “are you gonna fuck me or what”? . I went blank. I told him that he was out of place and inappropriate. The next day he apologized.we are no pigs. I am not a saint but I don’t want to feel that we need to shut up just caused we gay.
As if gay culture has a different rule set to follow. Hetero or Homo no one has the right to put their hands on you if their advances are unwanted. I’m not a delicate little flower nor am I a piece of meat that people can use to get their jollys. Instead of groping someone because you think they’re hot learn some damn self control or I don’t know see if they’re interested too.
totally agree with you 100%!
NEVER happened to me.
But I was not a stereotypical gay pretty boy.
Yes and True, but the advances will lessen as you get older. I know from experience. One day you might miss the attention…
Suppose this exists no matter the gender or age group. Here I am nearly 60 and going into an art studio the owner, uninvited, puts his hand up my shirt to play with my nipples, then later his hand was rubbing my ass crack up and down outside of my pants. Not good. Then the guy started stalking me on facebook. There I let him know he was basically a jerk and wanted nothing to do with him. There is a reason social boundaries exist within our society and last time I checked our gay community is start part of society.
I work in the night club in London, and this does happen to me all the time. Guys want to get physical, sometimes I am getting impression that they think, I’m OBLIGATED to do things, just because they’re club’s clients!
So far tho, I havent been traumatized so lets hope it stays that way 😉
Do you just sit around and make this silly shit up???
Alejandro, why does one have to be fat or nasty for another to simply brush it off? That suggests you give license to the Adonis type to do whatever. Frankly, when it comes to my personal space, I don’t tolerate people who willfully violate it, hot or not…
in my experience, the ones who complain loudest about harassment and unwanted attention are the ones who need to prop-up their delusions of being uber attractive. who hasn’t experienced it in one way or another? big deal. you either walk away or you tell the guy you’re not happy about it. some guys really need to grow a set. that being said, i keep my hands to myself.
I always take as a compliment when another guy goes beyond to express his intention. Nobody is pulling your pants down, so relax and enjoy your glory days because in couple of years down the road, nobody will touch you even with a stick.
There seems to be confusion on sexual harassment and unwanted attention. Unwanted attention, touching someone in a bar, invading personal space, advances, etc. are not harassment until the conduct is severe or pervasive enough so that you would consider it intimidating, hostile, or abusive. Harassment is not something anyone should tolerate, but many of things mentioned in the main blog and posts are not forms of harassment.
I think most gay men will admit outside of the workplace if a good looking man touches you are not offended! At a bathhouse for example if a good looking man touches my dick I am not offended. If a guy touches my ass in a gay sexual environment I am flattered if he is hot! If the guy is not handsome I give a firm just resting or no thanks. I think as men it is different we are EQUALS! For women it is different there is a gender and power imbalance.
there can still be power imbalance between 2 men, not all men are built like a brick, so the bigger guy can still find ways to overpower a smaller guy.
I like the topic, Dave. Thanks for sharing. I think it’s something that should be talked about. I often feel the same way. I am a nudist – love being naked outside, especially. But that doesn’t mean I want it to get all sexual. So often, being naked – or even not – with other men – they think it is a cue to stare, make inappropriate advances, or touch. I would love it if we could learn to be at ease with one another, open up naturally and slowly, see if there’s chemistry, what the interest is – before making advances that often seem so ungrounded and unfounded. I see that this kind of behavior is validated in the gay community, and I often feel violated by it. I want more conscious connection.
Really are you so insecure and precious how many gay men have I met that need to get over themselves
Pretty boy problems.
I was in high school and got called faggot or queer often i just turned the other cheek. Back then it wasnt good to say anything so i didnt. It doesnt bother me now but just that other guys went through the same thing. I had no friends in school and kept to myself.
Keep your hands to yourself unless you’re invited to do otherwise…
Like the guy I was dating who had his friend come fuck me while I was passed out?
Never talked to him again.
I will say this is one of my biggest frustrations when I go to gay bars. I am ok with having a conversation with anyone, so some people may mistake that as sexual interest. What I am not ok with is someone grabbing my crotch three seconds into the conversation. I also leave someone I’m dancing with if they try to put their hands down under my pants.
I remember in clubs as a young cub I would wear underwear that was not revealing at events and I had guys take it upon themselves to pants me to show me they were interested without even saying a word. This sickened me that I felt like a sex object instead of a person. I like to know the person I am bumping sticks with instead of just sleeping with any one person. I also was in a situation in a gay support group where they decided to take advantage of the fact the counselor was not there and play a game of naughty truth or dare targeting me and I told them to stop but by peer pressure I felt obligated to allow it. Eventually after that the youth director was fired and I was banned because I claimed sexual harassment on the members who delibrately doing it to get me booted so I could not compete against them in a drag competition because I was the favorite among the other queens who were councelors including constestant Honey Mahogany of drag race.
So you like my smile or my eyes or you think I dress well, by all means tell me about it. I will appreciate the compliment and say thank you. Reach out and try to grab me in the gym or the sauna and you could end up with a broken hand.
Man, I can’t believe that some of you guys put down guys who want control of their bodies/personal space. Who cares how attractive you are now or won’t be in the future. Inappropriate or unwanted is just that . . . nothing more.
When a guy crosses the line it’s because he is physically attracted to you and has no boundaries regardless of his own personal attractiveness or unattractiveness. You’re just another possible source of sexual relief. He doesn’t care what your aspirations are, if you are attracted to him, if you had a good day or if your dog just died. He wants to have sex with your body and inconveniently a brain and a mind have to come along with it. Guys like that are rarely in tune to if the feeling is mutual. Just because someone is gay and can fog up a mirror isn’t a good enough reason to make that person a sex partner.
Wanting to be liked and found attractive is universal but so is the dislike of being pressured.
I just want to say that what constitutes sexual harrassment is persisting in unwanted advances AFTER you tell someone you do not want their advances. If you do not tell someone who makes a pass at you that you are not interested, or you allow it to go on. However, nobody should ever just go up to a stranger and grab their ass or crotch.
I somebody flirts with you, don,t flirt back if you don’t want. No use in sending mixed signals like a common street trade hustler at a bar trying to score free drinks. Mostly, don’t be offended. Just tell the dude to stop. If he does, then you have not been harrassed. If he persist, then it is harrassment. People need to know that.
And really, if you don’t like sex, why be on this sight at all. Maybe with an offputtting atittude of don’t make advances in your profile, you narrow your chances?
I remember the gays I matriculatrd with would hug, and give a hello peck on the lips. We were all touchie-feelie. We called each other Babe. No problem.
My worst experience with sexual harassment as when after I lost 140 lbs on my own, and decided to go to the gym and get my body tightened up. After about 4 months with my trainer, we were in the locker room where he commented on how I never take my shirt off or undress in front of him. I told him I was still self conscience from losing weight. He then begun to pull my t-shirt up saying he wanted to see the payoff of his training. When I tried to pull away from him, he proceeded to begin to rub my stomach saying how good I was looking. He pulled me in closer and I just froze….if another member hadn’t come in, I don’t know what he would have done. Needless to say I stopped going to that gym. It just took me back to a time when I was a young kid and someone was trying to take advantage of me. And to think a grown man still feeling so insecure to not speaking up for himself. But I’ve come along way since then (4 years ago).
drama! man up and write something constructive and educational instructive with facts, quotes and all those goodies…
Well for us gays, I think it is only conviniently labeled as harassment if and only if the guy that is doing it to you happens to be someone you find completely unattractive or hot. But trust me, if it’s a hot guy doing it to you, you won’t call it harassment.
Tbh, i sometimes want to cat-call guys, n one day im gonna just do it, lol. I sometimes overly check guys out, n when they do it back its great. Its fun expressing a little gay sexuality n public w strangers…i see no harm for the most part.
I have an employee – thick, sexy Spanish accent, totally gay, PHAT, round booty… It takes everything I have not to slap that pretty bitch on the ass every day I see him. Such torture…
wow really i wish people would do that to me…and yeah if they are cute or not i would accept it or reject it..but i guess that is a pretty boy problem..