Speak Out : Domestic Violence
(This post was written by a member of A4A. If you would like to submit an article, please send it to blog at adam4adam.com)
I witnessed a fight on Halloween, in my friend’s upscale apartment complex. The scene was like the aftermath of a tsunami. Shattered windows, shards of glass, chandelier hanging by the wire, upside-down furniture… drops of blood in the hallway. The cops came and led one away… the other partner had already driven off his car with smashed windscreen.
The couple had lived together for about 3 years… And damn were they so fine! Both drop-dead gorgeous!! They fought a good 20 to 30 minutes indoor, before bringing it out to the driveway. Not many words were traded; just thunderous violent physical action! It reminded me of what I had seen as a tourist in a South African safari park – two huge male lions fighting live!!!
The roars were so deafening and scary. Film crew arrived in a jiffy to capture the epic battle… the tour guide said there had been little spats prior, and they were all waiting on the big one. It surely came! The loser left the pride.
So why did the posh, highly educated, lovey-dovey gay couple tear each other apart like lions?
1. Have you ever FOUGHT your significant other (partner, husband, lover, boyfriend)? I mean physical violent fight, not a heated quarrel.
2. How intense was the fight? (to put in perspective, one guy threw his partner out a 2 storey building in Georgia; another bit a chunk of his lover’s forehead, and spat it right back into his face.
3. WHAT MADE U FIGHT? What was the last thing that was said or done… the straw that broke the camels back? (don’t blame it on the alcohol!)
4. What’s ur relationship like now? are you arch enemies? or did u punctuate it with the best make-up sex ever?
5. If it was a severe fight, did the police get involved? how was it handled by the “law”? some states don’t consider two dudes fighting domestic abuse… its a simple case of battery/misdemeanor; while a man hitting a woman would land him in jail!
Anonymous
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I’ve been in not nearly as bad a fracas and wound up with a cracked jaw and a black eye. Damage was minimal to the apartment and belongings, but there was plenty of damage to my face. What caused it was that I was faithful and honest, while my lover was philandering around after he’d get off his waiter job and would head for the baths, coming home and slipping into bed around 4 AM. I was DJing at a nearby disco (this was West Hollywood, CA in 1979) and someone came up to the booth and let me know that my SO had been fired from his job and was spending his evenings in a local bathhouse instead. That comported with the constant drain of money from me and my car being missing for hours at a time when he was “going to the store”. It all came to head that night. In self-defense, I did land some rather punishing blows, but I restrained myself enough to where he was truly the aggressor. I’ve not had another male lover since, and I never will. Men are awful…who wants one hanging around? It all turned out fine for me; the ex wound up getting infected with HIV in late ’80 and died shortly thereafter (after serving jail time for assault, on me) and my newly-learned aversion to getting too close to men again probably saved my life. I haven’t had one yet, and I’m still neg. My contacts with men are VERY guarded and I vet them thoroughly, to the point of requiring test papers. That gets rid of 95% of them right there. The 5% I do wind up with wind up being FWBs, but it doesn’t last very long, as they go meandering around the hookups sites like this in search of something different. Have at it…I have my fill of men and their fucking bullshit in 1979.
I will not stay in a relationship where there is physical violence involved. I have had on serious lover relationship, we had a couple of arguments verge on violence, but one of us would leave to cool off and come back and talk it out. There is already way to much violence in the world, I will be damned to live it such turmoil in my home.
If you let a man hit you once, you have opened up carte blanche… When you have to beat another human being, you don’t love that person, you may think you do, but you really hate that person. You need to move on, find someone else. Men are cruel to begin with selfish and all about their needs, and the hell with everyone else. If you let a man abuse you, you are an idiot and deserve what he gives. If a man ever laid a hand on me, I hope he has good health coverage, and a wheelchair, cause he would never walk again, and I am serious. To many heavy handed men, and if you Queens think he is being butch, no sympathy here. Any what gets me is these soul mate lovers, who want a plethera of men abused their lover, wow they watch. WOW makes me ashamed of saying I’m gay.
I bet hit was a fight over some dick.
I was in a relationship for 5 years. We argued all the time. He had a habit of throwing things expensive stuff. I told him if ever one of them landed on my head your ass is going to jail. They didn’t. Or the time he got mad and pulled all the drawers out in the kitchen. He was a complete total bitch aND a mean one too.Glad he’s gone.
If you love each other. Why hurt each other?. We both are an adult. We can talk it out.
I will not stay in any kind of relationship with physical or emotional or degrading or leading some one all. The last relationship I was or so I thought I was in cost me well over everything I had and my profession. Have not been with any one since but have redeemed my self since the last one etc. Domestic violence does not go well with anyone period.
Took be a long time gayto realize that. No matter how much you love them walk away. No one deserve to be hit or abused etc regardless of the situation. Heated discussions yes only because it goes both ways learn to get out and leave. That’s a gay thing there. But no violence though none at all. And if that means you staying at a friends house or sleeping in your car that better then u being abused period.
Does not weather your straight,gay bi, trans no one deserves it not one human being. Dennis J Daniels
zero tolerance is the only policy you can have about domestic violence. if he hits you one time and you don’t leave forever, he’ll do it a second time. if he does it a second time, the third will be worse. eventually you’ll end up hospitalized or dead.
there are many online resources (dr phil, oprah and so on, for starters) for you if you’re in an abusive relationship. please use them before it’s too late.
I lived with an abusive alcoholic ex for 5.5 years and when the timing was right he finally went to jail…police in the city we lived in allowed it to happen without consequence several times and the last time I had purposefully moved us into county jurisdiction where I felt safer and they the final round carted him off to jail…now then I ended up with PTSD thanks to his behavior but I am stronger and will not allow myself to be treated in such a way again and others haves tried since…DV is not ok period
Whew! Well as someone who saw some DV growing up, that’s right you’ve got to draw the line somewhere! George you had right on the money, its funny it sounded something my grandma told my mom. When Mom was young/single my grandma would tell her that if she ever let her man lay a hand on her that for every smack he gave her she’d give her 3 for being stupid. Well fast forward several years about 2-3yrs into her marriage 2kids later Mom finally broke down with her mom what had been happening and grandma told her that same thing. Well time later my parents had a spat that turned physical,dad tried manhandling mom from the side as her arm broke free her endow popped him in the mouth he staggered back and fell on his ass. Needless to say pre K me and my toddler sister were horrified at the scene. Mom then busted laughing through her tears when he started whining like a 5yr over the aftermath. Well the physical stuff did lessen though. But then he pulled it some 10yrs later and mom gave him a right hook after he slapped her. For the next 4 days dad had an eyeshiner to explain.
The breathless, gleeful tone of this post is seriously repulsive.
Don’t understand domestic violence. Me and my deceased partner didn’t argue. I knew what was important to him. He knew what was important to me. We’d banter a bit from time to time…both with twinkles in our eyes…just for fun.
If your referring to mine Jonnieboy there’s nothing gleeful about it. It’s very distressing dealing with things of that sort and emberressing knowing that you had that kind of disfunction in your household. It does get stupid and ridiculous after a while. It can also be so hard keeping it private at times. Oh the latter incident I was 15 my sis a tween and we missed that one, happened late at night we were fast asleep,dad had tied a few on but by those days mom wasn’t afraid to bring out the whench if she had to. Mom took me aside the next morning and explained to me how dad didn’t trip in the dark and hit himself on a bathroom doorknob like he would be telling everyone else. Most of the spats I remember were just loud and annoying. Incredibly it never got to the point of police being called or my mom with any injuries that I remember other than her feelings.