Speak Out : Are You On The Right Spot?
Do you sometimes think that you might not be doing what you were meant to do? That you’re not with the right lover? That you don’t live in the right city? That your life is not in alignment with the size of your ambitions? That you’re not surrounded by the right friends?
Or are you on the right spot? With the right career, with lot’s of good friends and most importantly “realizing” yourself to your fullest potential?
Let other members know your thoughts on this. Maybe you have tips on how to be “on your spot”? Maybe you are not on your desired spot but you are ok with it?
Dave
This kind of blog topics will not get much attention from the gay men here. All they want to talk about is sex, sex, sex and more sex!
Hey guys….this post really hit the spot…bcuz recently i have not been feeling like i belong….im a CNA in saint Louis mo and i have known for a while it’s my time to leave and start over New….i have always planned moving to my home country which is Germany #MilitaryBaby but my financial views aren’t looking as i planned either lol so I’m living till i make….im only 23yo so i have my while life to make that move
It was exactly this line of reasoning that made shift career paths from IT to massage therapy. I was working ungodly hours, had stress to the max and the only redeeming thing about my life at that time was the support of my lover. Thank god he was into getting massaged. I was INTO him in a big way and wanted to be better so started getting professional massages myself to pick up a few tricks. Which is where I met Paul.
Paul was a god of massage let me tell you. It was going to him once a week and working through his menu of different styles that I found my true calling. We talked a lot and got to know each other pretty well. He was the one who suggested that I take a few courses and really learn how to do it right. Long story shortened I really enjoyed learning how to do body work and kept with it. Eventually getting licensed and starting working at it part time. Once I found out I could make equivalent money with about 1/3 of the hours and ZERO stress it was a no brainer to change careers and dive into it full time.
I now have a successful business, meet amazing people nearly every day, have a plethora of friends to keep the social life active and the love of a great man.
Point being to all this is if you can find out what it is that fulfills you professionally it makes the other pieces of the puzzle fall into place because you’re going to happier from the get go which translates across every other facet of your life.
I know im not in the right spot. There is no gay community here and we’re just plain despised and hated. Because of circumstances and health problems I can’t just pick up and move. Besides at 58 I really don’t want to move and start over. I was born here and I know I’ll die here. It’s security and things are familiar. But what if things were different and I was 28 instead of 58? I would leave and never look back. And when I’m just cross the city line I would pull my pants down and say take a good look cause you wont see it ever again. And you can kiss it while you’re there.
I was just reflecting on my life and was thinking how out of place I am and I don’t know what’s the next move to make a change in my career or personal life.
I’m 32 years old, and have been diagnosed with end stage renal failure. Yeah, I guess you could say I’m questioning things. I’m on dialysis and a transplant list, but it’s easy to see that my ‘carefree’ days are over. Its impossible to have casual sex with a rubber tube hanging out of my side…it inevitably leads to questions that kill the mood. And trying to date is a joke: most of the guys my age are still superficial. How can I have a casual dinner conversation about Kim K when I have to carefully mete out phosphorous binders and choose things off the menu that won’t send me into some kind of salt induced cardiac episode. You can’t tell from looking at me that my kidneys are toast. In fact, I look better than I ever have. I just find it exhausting to deal with guys that have no deeper thoughts than their body fat percentage or how long its been since they saw the business end of a dick. These guys aren’t understanding when I tell them that I cannot do certain things for medical reasons, like extreme activity or even swimming in non-chlorinated water.
So yeah, I’m definitely questioning whether I’m where I should be.
I know I am not in the right spot and the horrible thing is I don’t really know where I belong. I keep amasking degrees and climbing in the work force but I really want a boyfriend that will one day be a husband… I feel unfulfilled without this one piece so yea
I am 50, Asian, living in Texas and I feel out of place in career, love and life.
Instead of Texas, I would be in England, Portland or Colorado if my family wasn’t depending on me.
Maybe one day….
This is very relevant to me and I’m in the process of trying to change my life. Most of my close friends have moved away, I’m over the job I’ve worked for 18 yrs and haven’t found lasting love where I’m at. I’ve been on a slow train trying to leave for years. The first obstacle (and largest) was to stop being afraid of change and the unknown. Leaving your security can be scary but it is the only way you’ll see the changes you are hoping for. Try not to focus on what scares you but what excites you about changing your life. For me it’s the chance at a new career, exploring a new/bigger city, meeting new friends and hopefully a better chance at finding a partner. Wishing will get you nowhere. Make a plan, write it down and everything you do should be part of making that plan your reality step by step. I wish everyone luck and courage who want to change their lives.
@Richard: You are not too old to start over. Don’t accept what you have if you aren’t happy. Work towards the life you want instead of spending it regretting that you didn’t take chances. Don’t give up!
Having been abused sexually.verbally and physically as a child the right spot for me often times is my bedroom with a book, or with my bfb Ceasars arms around me, then I’m in the right spot. I’ve always preferred corner tables in resturants and hate big crowded rooms. It was tough going from being desirable to some older men when I was a child to be being despised by others when I sought to return that desire when I went through puberty. When I was molested I didn’t realize it was wrong for that man to do that to me. I craved the attention older men showed me for I was often byself as a child and affection was rare as my father was a dick and my mother was handicapped to where she couldn’t hold me when I was born. Hard for abuse victims to find the right spot. I’m one of the lucky victims that never wanted to inflict the same terror on another innocent child. Relationships are not easy for abuse victims. The opportunity for abuse is easy for some men to take advantage of and feed in order fight their own demons. I had a really bad one for five years and it ended in physical abuse after years of verbal. The right spot is tough to find there. It’s hard to trust now that I near retirement when younger men pay attention to me. I won’t stop looking for the right spot though, in this lifetime or the next………..
The only RIGHT spot that we are in is TOGETHER, but due to obligations beyond our control we cannot change them until early next year. Oh, and then we WILL change them, I have always wanted to live in CHICAGO, and he desperately wants to move back, so the RIGHT spot is in our future!!!
In the hospital today visiting a dying relative and while she was sleeping I was thinking that I somehow never lived the life I was supposed to live — and Someone Else had lived it for me. Someone Else — contact me, I want my life back, and I have some words for you!
It’s been on my mind for a while I truly appreciate hearing other people feel as I do.. Not only do I feel but I know I don’t belong here in Northern Indiana, but the fear of going elsewhere and failing is what keeps me here not that I’m a success but I am still making it, I just wish I could make it(it meaning my career and my personal life) work or get over the fear and at least try and make it work somewhere else..
Thanks for reading my thoughts
sometimes you just have to take the leap of faith. if you arent in the right place, move. trust your instincts.
Wow Dave…was hoping there was more to you than a pretty face. What a nice thought provoking question.
Life altering events are usually the trigger for change for me. I’m happy to say that I’m human and struggle to evolve every day. I am also not afraid to admit that sometimes I de-volve with a shot of tequila…lol. I like the substance 😉
wow… a lot to think, reflect and consider at this point in time and space. I recently came across a list I wrote when I became 21. I noted which listed my hopes and dreams for the future yet to come. It’s sad to read it now and how Life got in the way of that young mans desires and of those people, places and things which never came to past.
I only hope that the a muse of time may smile upon this gentleman.
I find myself being lost now for years……i lost someone very close to me and just have not felt that i can find happiness or content anymore……ive been to several cities and i still feel the same….i have worked in different aspects of the work i do and still feel the same…..is this deeper or is it just me…….i want to make another take at moving again from my home town, just dont know if its the right thing to do or not….i pray i can find myself again before this loved one left to be an angel with God.
Just go vegan if you can. my depression goes away with getting enough fiber, sunlight and B vitamins.
I’m 50, Asian, live in Texas and feel so out of place in Love,Life and Career.
I feel like I sort of lost.. my closest buddy found true love and I just feel I lost him. . we had a thing going and I wasnt sure if I wanted it be anything serious.. and now thats hes with someone else I keep feeling like he was the one.
on one hand am so happy for him thats hes found true lobe but on the other I keep thinling
I feel like I am so lost lonely. well i am.a.closeted bi guy.. and i come from india and i dont even know if my parents would ever understand what i being means.. growing up I mostly stayed away from them for studies/job and they are very rural and we never spoke of sex relatiorelationship and stuff.. now in live in the sf bay area..
my closest buddy found true love and I just feel I lost him. . we had a thing going and I wasnt sure if I wanted it be anything serious.. fearing what my family and relatives here would think of it. and now thats hes with someone else I keep feeling like he was the one.
on one hand am so happy for him thats hes found true love but on the other I keep thinking that I possibly lost the only man I have ever truly been in love with.. so much heart ache. ahhh.. just dont know what to do to deal with it.. but its killing me..
I’m about to move out of my house that I live in with my soon to be ex wife. Getting an apartment and I’ve come out to my wife, kids, and close friends at the age of 60. It’s never too late to find the right “spot”. I hope this huge change will help me find mine. Oh and did I mention I scared as Hell
I am not in the right place right now. I live far away from my significant other, I have no family here, and I have few friends. I finish school this year, so I have a feeling that once this is all over, I will move onto the right place in my life. Every day I want to quit, but I know that this sacrifice will make things better in the end.
You were saying, Dillion?
Self-doubt is part of self-awareness.
I think that there comes a point where you have to stop chasing your dreams and start building your life.
It may not be what you want, but it’s what you’ve got. What you do with it is up to you.
We can’t all ‘let go and let God,’ as they say. But we can all make the most of it.
this is the existential question that has been running through human existence. the only time that there is a RIGHT answer to this is when you are living a life that is TOTALLY against who you are inside. if you’re heart soul and mind are constantly ‘telling’ you this situation/existence is not right, you should listen to it
in todays world that may not be an easy fix (moving changing jobs and the like) but acknowleding if you are in the right spot is the first step to changing or adapting. sometimes we ARENT in the right spot, but outside factors preclude us from changing. That which we cannot change we should adapt to/with
This is probably one of the most important questions ever asked on this blog, but as Dillion predicted, it’s not getting much of a response from the A4A audience — which tells us a lot about gay/bi men.
Browse profiles in any geographical location and you’ll find that considerably more than half of A4A’s members acknowledge using alcohol “often” and/or drugs “socially” or “often.” These are only the members who admit to using mind/mood-altering substances; there are countless more who prefer not to reveal their consumption habits. I submit that these individuals are avoiding the reality of their own lives, which is a strong indicator that they are not where they would like to be in life. Maybe that’s because our culture has conditioned us to want the wrong things in order to achieve happiness.
I am in a good place in life. My job occupies most of my waking hours and I enjoy it; I’m very good at it. I know this because I receive frequent praise from my clients and my boss, who pays me a good salary. My nicely furnished home is in a picturesque setting on a private lake and I own it free and clear. I owe nothing on my vehicles. Most importantly, I have a small circle of wonderful friends and I benefit from a fulfilling spiritual life.
Does this mean I am wealthy and have everything I want? Hardly! Instead of spending myself into hopeless debt, I sacrificed and saved. There are things I still want, but I’m saving for them. I have never found the love of my life, but I don’t have the need to settle for just anyone. My life is good; why mess it up with a bad choice of partner? I am comfortable with my own company, yet I recognize that the good things in life are best when they are shared. I am not yet the person I ought to be, but I’m working in that direction.
This is a great post. At some point we all discover that we are not doing exactly what we desire to do. The hard part for most people is plain old fear. Fear to make change. Fear that if you make change, you will fail. So if you recognize that you are not in the right place in your life, start making a realistic plan to make change. If you are not in the right job, start making a plan to get out and figure how long that might take. For some, that means that they will need to go back to school first, more likely part-time. Change may not happen over night, but you are empowered when you know that you are doing something about it. The other thing is take ownership of where you are and stop complaining. Complaining isn’t going to orchestrate change, but planning and action do. Be realistic. Make sure your dream of change make sense for what you can really accomplish. If you live in Pennsylvania, which is very nice, but desire to live in Hawaii you will need to figure out if you can afford that expensive change. Sometimes major sacrifices are required to make change to be in the right spot. But ultimately, if the desire to be in the right spot is really important, it really won’t be such a sacrifice. Unfortunately, some people won’t be able to realize there dreams because of true physical limitations. So its important to be grateful for where you are, but its also okay to strive for more when possible.
Ultimately, I beleive everyone has the right to pursue happiness and strive to get to right place in there life.
Have it all but, the career.
I am no lingering the right spot. I was born & raised in Maryland (DMV area) & have always loved it but no more. I’m a single guy & all my family is here so I’ve been hesitant to leave. Now I’m just waiting for my home value to increase & I’m moving asap to Las Vegas or somewhere very close. I wanted to move there sight unseen but I just went & fell in love with everything there. Just seems that people out west aren’t as judgmental & they actually enjoy life rather than just existing.
I can tell you that I definitely feel like I am not in the right spot but have no balls to do anything about it. I wish I had the nerve to just get out of here and start over somewhere else. There are times when things seem okay, then the next day, everything goes back to the miserable ways. Love to talk to other people about this and figure out what to do. Maybe we can make each other better.
Chris, thank you for the words of encouragement. Meant alot. I wish you the very best in everything you do. Liked what you said in your comments. Some of it certainly applied to my life.
What a great question , what great comments I am reading here. I am sure there are many gay men in this country that do identify with that question/statement. yes, I do identify with all of that. I am from Middle east and living in an upper Midwest state/city is the most regrettable memory I have. yes Anglo white men are so bad up here, and I myself have contemplated moving. BUT in back of my mind, I always wondered, if I ever will find that partner. yes yes, same old request. BUT gay men in this country if you not from here, well good luck.
Personally, I have been undergoing a period of great change. It started 16 months ago. It peaked at its lowest this past month. What I’m thankful for is all the people I have in my life who are able to support me through it, just as I’ve supported them through tough times in their lives. I feel a bit bad that right now the “balance of payments” has me in the “debtor” mode, but I understand that in times past they have felt the same. Am I “on the right spot”? NO! But I do know not only that there will be a resolution at some point but also that I’ve got people around me who will help me fathom where that is.
Going vegan? What a ridiculous suggestion. Only a vegan would think that.
It is very important to make whatever spot you are in the one to be in, but if it is not supporting who you need to be, then you need to move to another direction. Sometimes it’s not where you go, but where you ultimately end up that is your goal. I moved to Philadelphia, and it totally sucks, but now I am in my right place in myself wherever I go.
I want to raise another issue. The ridiculous cost of shaving. I think it is brilliant of men to rebel by growing beards. However, I am sick of long beards. Therefore, we need to let the razor monopolies know that we won’t start shaving again until they bring down the prices, bring back the trac II, and let Wilkinson Sword back into the country. (Yes, Gillette bought it just to keep it out.)
There are times in which I have felt that way. To start off, I have seen ugly people with hot good-looking guys and then I look at myself and seeing myself that I am better looking than them, I start wondering how come I do not have those hot good-looking handsome guys that those ugly people have. It is then that I realize that there is something that those ugly people must be doing that I do not do. Perhaps it is their willingness to live, their attitude, their personal character or something sexual that they are able to do, perhaps something so good that those ugly people can do and are doing which my good looks become irrevelant. That is when I start wondering whether or not I am on the right spot.
Really??? I’m just looking for a first really nice friend that’s all
I never feel like I lived in the right spot ever since I lived in different cities in California although I have a few desirable cities in mind. Probably I kept moving so much to different places due to finance circumstances and of course family situation and schools to colleges in different cities to professional school in different state and now working in central California . It is always difficult to make friends in such a short amount of time between the relocations and having to work or going to school all the time much less finding a group of gay friends to my liking. Living in small city or countryside and among nice but religious people also make it not easy for a gay man to freely express ideas and having meals in public with guys that had casual sex without everyone else taking a notice of a little out of place Asian guy and his “friends”. If I’m lucky then that is one sexual encounter in a month so loneliness does sink in eventually after living here without family/friends or making a real connection with anyone due to too long a distance and limited guy pool for dating even with Adam4Adam. So I just plow myself into work pretty much everyday to keep myself or my mind occupied so I don’t have to think about sex 24/7. I could meet guys in hotels where I travel to extra work out of town driving but I crave for some familiarity and regularity from local guys. Career wise I just started out with the job hopefully the last job that I feel good about myself at the end of the day and making good money in spite of a huge student loan. it is not the right spot but I will give it several years more living a monk like life so that I can save enough money for a new car, new apartment and to transition to another place where I can finally find the elusive gay happiness hopefully before hitting the age of 45.
No Not yet Still doing baby steps on the stepping stones to Success.
OMG! Never knew this page was here on Adam? After reading some of these postings I don’t feel so alone anymore? I know I’m not in the “right” spot in my life. But I feel like I’m doing the “right” thing that has to be done. I hate to say I’m “stuck” taking care of sick family. But I do feel trapped and I do not have any life because of it. My life has been put on hold due to it. But after reading these posting and different people with different problems I feel like I’m in the same boat as most of them. We seem to all share that one thought and feeling. Most gay guys do not understand there are more important things in life than sex and the “FEEL GOODS” I had the good life and was so happy with my life partner of 12 years until I lost him to a heart attack. Then my life started this entrapment state as I call it. Since I lost him I’ve tried to meet others and only got used and lied to and ended up hurt and feeling more alone. I’m to the point of giving up ever finding someone now. At 55 my sex dive feels like I did at 35 and I look better than I have in years because I’ve taken care of myself. Only to be alone and no one to share the small simple things in life with. That’s all i ever wanted from this life and now I can’t have that. My story is so pain and hum.. I don’t want to say “unimportant” as some of these others.. but I feel the same pain as these other guys do! My heart goes out to all of you here
(((hugs)))
Bobby
Enjoying reading these…this question provokes thought and self evaluation which leads to thse genuine and substantive comments. Such a refreshing change from some of the other topics which brought out the worst in us. Also noticeably (and pleasantly) absent are the rote commentary from an activist type mentality as instead we have men opening up just as an individual and it proves we are all so much more than just our sexual orientation.
I know in not in my spot…and it seems few are. A testimony to the will of all people who keep it going, grinding it out and working to get in that spot.
Great topic. I hope there are more like this one. This is my first time commenting here. It is nice to know other people feel the same way about their spot. Im 30 years old and have worked hard through my 20s to get to a position were Im financially stable, but my personal life isn’t so great. The guys that I have been coming across just don’t seem to work out. I do have the ability to move away and start over but how do you decide where to go start over? Im still keeping hope alive that the right guy for me is out there so Ill keep searching. Oh I guess while we’re on the subject, my a4a username is m29ason. If anyone is interested message me sometime and lets chat.
I can honestly say I’m not where I want to be. I’m a broke college student who can’t seem to catch a break. I’ve been cheated on 4 times and my last relationship I got dumped because the guy decided weed is more important than building a relationship. I honestly think that the problem must be me
It’s funny. Of course, this headline caught my attention because it sounded different. Kudos on the topic change, it seems to have really worked.
I’m definitely not in the right spot. My job’s been rocky, and though there seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel, what’s left is hollow. This is a gay ghost town, and I have feelings for this guy who couldn’t be nicer, couldn’t be a better fit, but oh, there’s the issue of the girlfriend. It seems everyone here is married off, paired up, or afraid to come out. And I’ve only cared until recently. When my feelings got revived by this guy.
Thanks for the topic.
This isn’t exactly the topic I should respond to, but it’s the closest I’ve seen on here. I would like to go somewhere else and start over also, I have no one and nothing here any more. The thing is, I do not have the ability to make friends as dumb as that may sound and that is one thing that keeps me here, even though I have no friends here, it is the place I grew up and I feel “safe” here only because it is “known” to me. I just have this inescapable fear that if I were to go somewhere else, nothing would change, I would still be alone and miserable. It goes much deeper than that, but I already feel like I am pissing and moaning.
I’m not even on the right planet much less on the right spot
does the spot your in reflect your life’s past events and traumas?
this is a very good and timely topic of discussion for me. i am a native washingtonian (dc). after years of living here and wanting to move away somewhere else. i finally made to decision to buy a house in another state and move away. i am retired so don’t need to worry about a job or career. i am letting go of family and fear of going and being by myself and i feel good about this move and the next step in my journey now. i feel it is the right move for me. it’s never too late
Acknowledging Ed: I hear you. I am one survivor from that kind of perhaps empty past of having been abused in all those ways, too.
I also share this approaching information, lightly, but with a now more steadily balanced ownership of its experiences. My 25th year saw great change, which lead me to a better understanding but also a more firm and capable grasp of myself. Don’t get scared now, but it was about things such as paranoia, delusions, depression, fatigue but also with one brief experience of non-drug-induced euphoria.
Okay, so that’s not everyone’s garden variety problems, but I have always loved researching topics of personal interest and just soaking it all up! This included checking my symptoms and knowing that I had to do something about them.
Basically in this scenario, I’ve benefited from seeking what’s in my best interests: Here, that’s medical and behavioral health care. It’s been an awesome ride–before, during, and through today. I wouldn’t have had it any other way because of all that I’ve learned. At my 33rd year now, this is what I know is precious: This moment. Right here. Right now.
I have recently come to terms with my being Bipolar. I spent years on the verge of making my life a complete mess. I was not happy with my life ,but could not seem to fix things. I had an ability to travel and seemingly adapt. But my bouts of mania would make the horizon a finish line.What seemed unthinkable became reality. In 6 years I moved 8+ Times. I made it work for me. And I’m glad I did. Mainly because, I finally see my strengths and weaknesses. Luckily I have a supportive Mother (that happens to be a therapist); I have seen what happens without someone there to keep some boundaries. I have never felt anywhere was right. Because truthfully I have a lot of work to do on me. At 36, I am finally able to see myself. Flaws and all.
Thank you. This post made me think.
I certainly know the feeling. Next year, I know some changes are coming my way and I can’t help but wonder if it might not be a good time to make some other changes as well…career, where I live, etc.
In the parking lot of a community college with traffic zooming by on the adjoining sstreet I got a blow Job in the front seat of my SUV. Whilst we were getting very busy cars started parking on each side. Couldn’t help getting load and couple cars blinked their lights at us.
I was tossing and turning around on my bed and had a difficulty of getting the good sleep that I wanted. When all of a sudden I saw an article about being a good bottom,Needless to say I didn’t pay much attention to the article.Instead I skipped reading it,for my spirits are kind off low for the past several months now. This article hit me on the spot for I felt that I was born on the wrong place and never had the freedom to choose the person that I wanted to have for life is such a cliché and the society that I am associated with right now,aren’t supportive of gay marriage. I have come to terms that I am responsible to my own happiness and I am the captain of my own destiny. I don’t have a perfect life but with gratitude I am still alive and still fighting for it.
Before and after I retired this year at age 60 after 40 years of working for one employer, this subject has been pondered in my mind. The downward housing market interfered with me decided the first of the year. I got heavily involved in the commmunity where I live in different aspects because others didn’t want to. I would like to move back to my birth place but medical availability scares me compared to LA. Even though I could live on 75% less what I do now, and close family would be near, access to good medical services close still scares me. If it wasn’t for that, I would be gone in heartbeat. I just keep praying for guidance each day. Sex availability doesn’t even bother me. Family and peace means more.