Speak Out : What’s Your Coming Out Story?
(Photo : Andrew Christian)
Coming out can be a tough thing, especially if you live in a small village or in a part of the world where it is illegal to be gay. It can also be hard for teenagers at school because sometimes when they come out, they get bullied. It is also hard for people who come from religious families where if you are gay, you are sentenced to “burn in hell”.
Andrew Christian Underwear just created a video that shows their models discussing about their coming out story. At the beginning of the video, they all describe what it was like for them to come out and the designer himself shared his story about how his fears and the anxiety was simply in his head, because when he came out, people didn’t care about it and most of his friends already knew.
In the second part of the video, they all give their suggestions on what to do, how to do it and I think it is great to hear other gay men’s point of view on that subject. If you are still in the closet and didn’t come out yet, I strongly suggest you to watch the video. If you did come out, it would be great to share your story with other members below in the comment section.
Dave
(Watch the video below and shop for Andrew Christian Underwear here!)
Hm… 3:08… the worst thing in life is not being alone; it’s being surrounded by people who make you feel alone.
Not something that I have ever felt the need to do. My private life and what I do in my bedroom is my business. I’m not ashamed of being gay and have no problem for those that need to get that part of their life “out” in the open. I am fortunate enough that my family and friends mind their own business.
Had first m2m exp in jr high. Actually came out while in the USMC at 19 running around SFO and the castro with a fake id and a lot of schmoozing of security guards.
Suppose it’s different for every body, but my parents were “very open minded” and “coming out” really didn’t happen. THEY ALREADY KNEW.
Some parents “suspect’ (makes it sound like a guilt/innocence quandary)
which I can see leads to angst in the person who is already experiencing some “uneasiness”.
My feeling is that if your OWN PARENTS can’t accept you for and who you are? Even the Bible says “honor” not LOVE, but “honor” your parents. After that? You have your own life to live, so get the fuck on with it!
they’re reading cue cards. lol
It’s kind of funny, in that I do not recall clearly if it was December, 1995 or January, 1996. I had come home from work fairly late. My mother was up, and we talked a bit. She asked me if I had a girlfriend. I don’t know why, but rather than making up an answer, like I had done in past, I told her that I’m Gay. Her response was, “I thought so.” I had been terribly scared of that moment, and I asked her if I should pack my bags. “Where are you going, and when will you be back?” was her answer to that. At that moment, I knew I’d be OK. I never really had to come out to the rest of the family. They all knew long before I was ready to come out. I’ve come out many times since then. I certainly make no secret of my sexual orientation now.
So my coming out story is somewhat unusual because in my youth, and really until nearly turning 50, I always self-identified as PANsexual (that is, I care about the players, not their equipment).
I was “outed” as a bisexual in college by an asshole of a roommate (who was so homophobic, he promptly moved out and tried -unsuccessfully- to get me kicked out of my fraternity).
Throughout HS, I fooled around with both boys and girls — sometimes at the same time. But my first “love” was a girl in college (who broke my heart cheating on me). My first boy-love was when I was out of college, in my first job (that had a security clearance, and the rules then weren’t yet clear whether being gay -or bi- was a disqualifier of holding such a high clearance). He too broke my heart (again with the cheating and lying) — only this time, it nearly ruined my brother’s wedding because I was all messed up with our breakup. That was when I “came out” to my family.
Like Coldnovemberain above, I am intensely private, so I don’t wear my sexuality on my sleeve. My own personal rule of conduct has always been to ensure that my potential sexual partners know of my past (and that I fully intended to continue my pansexual ways in the future — in mind, if not in body).
I was married (to a woman) when I was 35, and the first 10 years or so were great. But it fell apart for reasons not really affected by my sexuality. (Yup, again with the cheating).
The interesting part of the story comes AFTER that marriage… because I haven’t been with (or really wanted to be with) a woman since. I don’t really know why, or whether the desire will ever return — but for the past few years now, I’ve changed my self-described label to being “gay”… because that reflects my actual behavior right now.
The other day, a group of kids were skateboarding near my car… I don’t know why, but while I was getting into the car, one of them asked if I had a really pretty wife… I told them “I play for the other team” — and that probably constituted the first time I have ever publicly stated my sexual preference to anyone I wasn’t hoping or expecting to have sex with.
These young, primped, preened, and practically perfect guys (that’s how all gay guys are, right?) are fortunate to have come to their sexual ages sometime in the past decade or so. As they report it, their big coming out was not that much of a big deal. Most of them had most of their friends and family support them. There were some losses along the way, however. “The Movement” therefore has come a long way to bring acceptance to gays. Based on the video, it seems almost a requirement that gay guys “come out” at some point, even to a matter of “PRIDE”, as the banner around the video declares.
It was tougher prior to the 1990s, and incrementally harder for gay guys in each decade going back from there. For me as a teen in the 1970s, the only gays you saw were loud, obnoxious, pink fems … generally disdained by society. I didn’t relate to them at all and chose to “go functionally straight”. That was a pretty good gig for the next three decades.
I’ve been fortunate over the past eight years or so to meet many guys my age who are like me in terms of sexuality. They weren’t about to be “gay” in the 1970s and most chose the “functionally straight” route. Their gay friends know they’re gay (obviously), but for their other friends and relatives, they’ve just let “things take their course”. If the subject comes up, “yes, I’m gay.” Only a few of some friends and family have reacted negatively, they say. If the subject doesn’t come up, they leave it lay. Overall, these guys have no big need to conduct a formal, drama-filled “coming out”.
The opening guy in the video says “I think life is about finding who you are and finding your own story.” Gay guys aren’t all the same. Their stories aren’t going to be either. Is there really a need/requirement, then, for every gay guy to “come out”?
I was 19 when I bought my then boyfriend to my mother’s for christmas, told her I was gay. Pretty much all she say was that she knew since I was 2 years old. I guess I a bit more flamboyant as a little kid. telling my dad was another story but he is okay now with it. But another coming out story when I had to tell them I was hiv positive.
I agree withbur view cold Nov. But while it may seem like miding….doeant mean they dont think or talk about it just sayin …but still prefer to keep my bed viz in tbe bed
I was 75 when I came out to my wife, 8 children and 14 grandchildren. I brought home my boyfriend and said SUPRISE. IM GAY.
Born gay, proud by choice!
Coming out never a ? in my mind, course growing up in San Francisco in 70’s I never heard of such a silly concept-“thilly” with a lisp…lol. Lucky guys U! I wish I’d been able to defend the greatest country in the world too.
I was in the military home on leave, there was a movie on tv called an early frost. I was watching it with my mom. When the movie was over I asked my mom what she would do if one of her kids were gay. She said why at first I just said I was curious then she said why you? I said yeah. She went through all the guilt asked me were she went wrong raising me etc. Today my whole family supports me and my partner of 17yrs.
coldNovemberrain sounds still closeted to me.
Great vid, several salient points 4:50 ish about just come, be the best you can be that is the best revenge is the truth… My one regret is I would love to have seen this expanded to include some non perfect models
This is a great post! I agree with Derrick. What it all boils down to is having people in your life who accept and love you just as you are. Being “Out” DOES NOT mean sharing your bedroom secrets it’s just allowing yourself to be treated as a whole person and who you are attracted to is just one small part of it. It’s like being right or left handed, short or tall fat or skinny. It just IS!
For the many guys who feel that is “their business” it is really something that they are ashamed of or need to keep hidden out of fear, some very real and some imagined. Everyone in your life knows on some level they just act surprised when they realize that their life was just an illusion.
I told my friends and family because I realized how squirrely our relationships were. Most reactions were good very few were bad but all in all it was a relief to not have to pretend and waste on that energy on bullshit that doesn’t matter anyway. It’s amazing how much stuff one can do in life when no longer using up precious time on people and things that don’t matter.
My coming out was the worst thing ever… I was mid 40’s until I figured it all out- had children, a wife, etc… I had plans on how and when I was going to tell my family, friends, etc…
Some one, who I thought was a friend, decided that they knew better than everyone else, decided to anonymously send letters to my other friends, family members, and my place of work- totally outing me- letters on how to tell that I was gay, tell tale signs, things about my personal life, etc…
Ended up changing jobs,(blue collar coworkers weren’t very accepting of it),nasty divorce, lost contact with most family members, including 2 of my 3 kids…
Still dealing with the mess 2 years later… WTF
Born Gay Proud by Choice! Huh, what’s “coming out”?
i hate it when ppl say stuff like “they already knew” first, there’s no prize for knowing someone’s gay, and second… and probably more important, it really perpetuates a stereotype… you HAD to be gay, just look at you, or listen to you or whatever. what makes you gay isn’t how you act. being gay isn’t an act it’s what you are. ppl, my friends, my family, my doctor… they all have said but you don’t act gay.. it’s very confusing to me tell me, how should i act? I can’t just be myself and still love men? I have to be what you see on tv in order to REALLY be gay?
ok that’s really off topic so, thanks so much for allowing me to rant haha 🙂
you think you know how people will react, but you never really do.
my advice to the young is that if you are financially dependent on your family, wait until you’re out of school and living on your own to come out.
Came out to my wife….moved out for 6 months..moved back in…then moved out 6 months later for good…..came out to my mom…family then few months later was forced to tell my kids by my ex wife once she found out I had a bf after our divorce. Younger ppl don t have to deal w a wife but coming out shd ve more a personal experience to come to terms with acepti g yourself as a gay person….truly no need to tell anyone or make any announcements…
January, 1977, Garden Grove, CA; 19 yrs old and sharing an apt with 2 other gay guys, felt conflicted about lying to mom about my life; invited her by for a talk, stumbled and stammered til I finally asked if she knew what I was trying to tell her, she replied yes, but for my own peace I needed to say it; “Mom, I’m gay”, lots of crying [ release and joy ]. My Mom went right out and joined PFOG in L.A. [ later PFLAG ], was a founding member at the PFLAG convention, carried her “I Love My Gay Son” sign in over 20 Gay Pride parades from L.A. to NYC, and wherever she has lived since has always joined the local PFLAG chapter in order to help parents and friends accept the LGBT people they love. My Dad died when I was just 11, but with the total love and support of my Mom and 2 of 3 siblings, I know I have been truly blessed.
I never really came out per se. I was married with 3 teenagers and never associated myself as gay. I only had 2 girl friends and married one of them. The first 10 years of marriage was busy with career and kids. My then wife lost all sex drive and I felt pushed aside. I sought out porn. Always gay porn then chat rooms then hook ups. She caught several clues and asked if I was gay. I denied it and felt I was bi. After years of separation I met a guy I fell in love with. I was afraid of losing my kids and tried to reconcile by attending sex addiction therapy. You can’t therapy gay away. I went to a therapist to find out if I was confused gay or bi or just an addict. I finally accepted that my same sex attractions were who I was. I felt sorry for marrying someone and not giving them the “forever after” life they wanted. Discovery of being gay is different for everyone. After the divorce I have been happier and have a partner who I feel loves me as much as I do him. My ex did everything possible to ruin me and distance my children. I don’t blame her, but it certainly was not an intended marriage to cover being gay. Ironically one of my children came out to me and we have a good relationship. My brother hearing of my experience also came out to me.
As a man from a conservative middle eastern country, I haven’t come out. I’m 31 years old. If I’d come out, I might get killed.
I came out to my mother back in the 90s while I was living in New York. I’m originally from Philly but moved to NYC right after graduating high school. I had been visiting NY all my life bcuz a lot of my family lives there and it just was someplace I always knew I’d live. Anyway, after dating females from teenage years into adulthood I only had 1 gay experience. And it was just a lil bump n grind touchy feely thing. Well while in college in NYC (shout out John Jay College of Criminal Justice). I met a guy who was showing me signs of wanting to be more then friends. I was still dating females, but was definitely on the dl. Back then NY was such a party city and sex was everywhere. As fate would have it my friend was losing his apartment with his mom, and I was SOOO ready to move out on my own away from my family. I took over the lease from his mother ($600 bribed the landlord) and just like that we lived together. Well he had no worries as far as gay went bcuz his mother is gay, and a few siblings are bi. Me on the other hand knew gay ppl but none close to me. And none related to me (or so I thought). About a year into our situation my mother had been to visit twice and each time we hid cards, posters, flowers, fagazines anything gay. I started to feel bad bcuz this was his home as well as mine and I in the middle of hiding our usual gayness. I said noooooo more. And when my mother arrived I sat her down n said I hafta tell u something. He n I are more then roommates we are lovers. She was shocked bcuz like I said there was all this female dating history. But then she just said you’re MY SON I’ll love you no matter who you choose to love as long as they’re good to you n good for you. Love is where u find it. Of course there was about 50 questions about when, who ,where, n how I decided to explore my sexuality. We talked about it for years, the guy , proposed to me 2yrs later on Jones Beach n we were married (Civil Union) from 95-00. After I came out to my Mom and she NEVER stopped loving me and stayed my best friend I never really cared who else knew or thought they knew about me. There’s no tragedy behind my lifestyle ie: molestation, abuse , suicidal tendencies. I’m just me, love me or leave me alone. I didn’t feel gay since birth or get teased or anything as a kid. I also didn’t tease other kids in that way. So to whomever might read this just know there were others b4 me that paved a way for my coming out (shout out house of Revlon and house of Extravaganza) and I did it for some1 else so draw strength n come out in your own time n way so you can pave the way for some1 else. HAPPY PRIDE EVERYONE!!
Very appropriate topic. Married for 37 years here to a woman and she just found out what she has suspected for years, I’m gay. We’re now getting a divorce and I trying to figure out how to come out to my kids and am Terrified. Even though they are older ( 23 and 25) I’m sure they will blame me for breaking up our family
I know this is for the best for my wife and I we both deserve to be happy, and even though I’m very excited about the life I have a head of me, telling them is scaring the Hell out of me. My wife feels they deserve to know the truth.
Ant advise from anyone that’s been through this would be appreciated. Older4play on here
I didn’t come out to my parents. They knew but didn’t want to talk about it. They thought if we ignore it it will go away. I’ve never had a problem for one second with my sexual preference. I knew when I was in elementary school what I wanted. Living in a small southern city you don’t have a gay community to make friends or more. I’m 58 now and my first experience with a man was when I was 16. With a man in his 30s. I knew exactly what I wanted after that experience. But I’ve always been completely fine with myself. If someone asks I say yes I am gay. No problem. Im lucky I guess because im very masculine. Everyone thinks im straight. So I know I’ve missed out on alot of opportunities. I might have met the love of my life. But the guys think I’m straight. So its a struggle. It’s been very difficult. I understand and I try to do the best I can.
I had always known I was gay, having a boyfriend before having a girlfriend. In my youth I tried to maintain a heterosexual relationship but felt only to myself that I was living a lie. I dated my high school sweet heart all four years but by college I had met a guy I didn’t have to pretend with. It was easy with him and we got attached. He was in the military and was about to start his first tour. Before he left we got tattoos of each other’s name. When I went home to visit, my older brother seen the tattoo and outed me to my parents. I couldn’t deny it. My mother was accepting but my father was devastated. My mother even told me he cried but he didn’t treat me any different. I knew my father despised homosexuality but his love never wavered. When I finally brought my man home my family adored him, but sometimes war can change people. We didn’t make forever but I wouldn’t have chosen any1 better to be outed with.
To Scott Your post really hit home. Have gone through so much of the same things. From watching gay porn to chatting to hook up. Therapy and you’re right you can’t the rap gay away although I tried for years. When the sex in my marriage stopped, I justified to myself that i was t cheating because I was with a man. I never meant to hurt her and my intentions when I got married were genuine. I wasn’t using her as a cover although that is what she thinks now
Still have to come out to the kids and close family and friends which isn’t going to be easy but hearing someone’s story that is so similar to mine as knowing you’re in a better place now, has helped
I was 28 years old and sitting at the supper table after supper one night. I was working a crossword puzzle, my Dad was reading and my Mom was corcheting. My dad laid down his book, looked at me till I looked up. He just asked me “When are you going to bring your boyfriend home to meet us?” My Mom never missed a stich. I thought I was in the closet to my parents. I finally looked at him and said “Well, you already know him he is your hunting buddy.” We would not let my Dad go hunting by himself due to health concerns, and the guy I was with loved to hunt as well. Daddy looked at me for a moment and then said “Well, you could not have picked a finer young man.” Then he picked up his book and continued reading as if nothing had happened.
I took off shortly after that and went to his house and told him what had happened. He said that he was supposed to come down Saturday and go hunting and ask if he still should. I told him, most definately.
That day they shot some squirrels and my Mom cooked them for supper as she usually did cook whatever they shot, if anything.
My Mom had never said one word about me being gay. David always stayed for supper and the arrangement was my Mom and Dad at each end of the table and David and I across from each other. That evening she had put our plates side by side. Her quiet way of saying “It’s okay.”