Speak Out : We Built This City On Glitter and Apps?
I live in a small town surrounded by a large military base here in Texas. When I first moved here, there was no existing gay community at all, although many gay, bi, questioning and curious people lived amongst us. Some of the older, more established gay guys realized that we knew one another and we had a small-to-medium sized group of guys that gravitated toward us for whatever reason (some of us had houses, most of us had good jobs and I don’t think it’s a stretch to say all of us were pretty fun). At some point we realized that if we joined all of our forces together we could, in fact, build a community here.
“Here” includes about seven small cities that basically grew into one another, creating a stretch of cities that include Kempner, Copperas Cove, Killeen, Nolanville, Belton and Temple, Texas. If you start in Kempner and drive down the highway you’ll drive through every one of those cities without a break in between. At the time we didn’t have all the apps that we have now so the actual “gathering” of these gays wasn’t an easy task. We utilized a lot of social media and finally built what would become the community in this area.
In building anything you often run into all kinds of problems. We are gay men, but we are a diverse group of people and the way we’ve trained ourselves to act around one another is often hateful, cruel and competitive. Also, we’re a military environment so we found that we might have a large group of people for a short time, then the Army would deploy troops to the Middle East or South Korea, Africa, Hawaii, Europe…all over and then our community would shrink. Because of this transitory environment, a lot of guys in this area are primarily concerned with just getting laid. The average life span of a relationship is a month or so, if it survives past the week. It seems like there are a lot of open relationships in this area and the ever elusive “straight” guy is hardly elusive. After a while, the “I fucked a straight guy!” trophy seems over-won. Everyone around here has fucked a straight guy.
Realizing that was our community was appalling! But trying to instill what each of us believes is “moral” or “correct behaviour” into a community of gay men like this is nerve-wrecking. Not only does every leader have their own moral code, but every person has THEIR own moral code, so finding that common ground took a little push and pull. Tearing down the competitive, comparative and prejudice attitudes that we have toward one another took some time. Fit, muscular men didn’t want to hang out with bigger bear-types. Some bears hated some twinks. Some bears stood on the proverbial waterfall and swiped for twinks like salmon. Older gay men had their gaggle of younger boys that they paid for or bought alcohol for. Everyone insisted that they were the only “classy” gays in this area. (I just love self-entitled Princesses. It’s a small town…let’s humble ourselves). Masculine vs. Feminine, Educated vs. Non-educated, Negative vs. Positive and don’t even get me started on people not disclosing their HIV status while they barebacked their way through the seven cities. Facebook groups intended to bind us together rose and fell, some extremely successful and some dismal failures. When a new face showed up in the community, they were immediately brought into the community and quite thoroughly fucked, passed around and then discarded like an old shoe. I can count the men that I’ve hooked up with in this area on one hand and don’t even have to use all the fingers in one hand to count the guys that I’ve actually dated. I thought “what a disaster!”
I think the building of any thing, especially a community of human beings, is bound to have these situations. Most people can become so frustrated with our behaviour that they give up immediately and criticize gay men for all of our silly behaviours. Then there are those who really push through it…think about why the last incarnation of “whatever” didn’t work and tweek the blueprints a little before trying something new. I think sometimes we forget that we are men, some of us are young, even some of our older men haven’t been out for very long and there isn’t exactly a guidebook on “how to be gay” – it’s just an experience of life and we all mess up on life from time to time. Looking past the frustration of those situations and things that made me slap my forehead, I found some pretty exciting and inspiring things.
Because the leaders of this community are educated in Psychology, Computer Sciences, Linguistics, Engineering, Business Management, Music Performance and Education, Education, etc. we are in unique positions to spot destructive behaviours and give advice (that isn’t usually taken, typically, but hey…at least we give it), find jobs for people who need them and help the occasional young gay guy out when he’s foolish with his money. Because we’re all connected the way we are, we are also quick to find exploitive and manipulative behaviours which have prevented people from being physically abused, robbed of their finances and belongings and emotionally abused. There are plenty of opportunities for us to be jaded and bitter, but I find that people are willing to sit down over a cup of coffee and talk something out, lend a listening ear and provide whatever wisdom we can. We’re able to laugh at predictive, silly, stubborn gay men when they refuse to listen and crash and burn, and in sadness we’ve bonded together when some of our community members have passed on. We established the Thanksgiving for the Wayward Homosexual, an annual Thanksgiving celebration for GLBT people who can’t be “out” to their families and our friends. We talk about all religions, politics, business, relationships, pop culture, working out, social and psychological issues, PTSD for military people, voting and we educate ourselves on the most modern research for HIV/AIDS, Cancer, preventing STDs, etc. It doesn’t mean everyone listens…but the knowledge is available to them if they want it. It wasn’t always like that.
So even though this community hasn’t “arrived” in the sense that we’re a fully realized and functional community…in the 5-6 years that we embarked on this project…well, it’s not perfect but it doesn’t look that bad. And gays are exceptionally gifted at taking something a little run down and re-inventing it into something glorious and relevant, so I have a lot of hope in my heart that anyone who comes to visit this area will find welcoming arms, a group of people to hang out with and…a little bit of ignunce.
MakeMeABird
This article hits soo close to home as a guy who grew up in Killeen,TX I can definitely confirm everything the poster said I swear if it weren’t for trips to Austin and meeting my first boyfriend who was a Sgt in the army, and introducing him to my mother, I would have gone insane, I had no close gay friends, they were all straight guys who sorta knew about me, it wasn’t until I moved to Maryland that I met other gay men who were out like me, who became my friends. With all of this said, small military towns in Texas are a special case, but with advent of social media, sex culture is easier causing the proliferation of the “hookup culture” it’s gonna the elders of the local community to make a stand and in that part of Texas it ain’t easy ya’ll.
“The average life span of a relationship is a month or so”
Why are guys even talking about “a relationship” so fast? Relationships take time to start and take time to grow. They’re not things that start the first time you hookup with a guy or go on a date. Too many guys JUMP into what they call a relationship without establishing one (ground rules, understandings, things that take time to become known, when he farts or belches is it a deal killer, etc.). Hell at least wait until the pheremones stop firing before evening considering anything long term. Get to know each other. If that works, great. Have fun and see what happens … or doesn’t … along the way. If it doesn’t, fine. It wasn’t meant to be.
Sounds like something needs to be done to bring the community into unite mode. It seems like a sad place to live, but like all up and coming small towns, and even bigger cities, it’s the people who live there are responsible for it. I Wish you all the best of luck, here’s a little Fairy Dust to help get things moving.
I live in the Dallas metro area. I don’t think there is any sense of community. When I came out in Waco, back in 1983, I think it did have a sense of community because most everyone knew everyone. True, some guys were marginally known, but there was a group of guys known to each other for quite a long time. It seems strange that this area is treated as a project by you guys. I’m sure it is better than what we have in the big city!
I grew up and still live in small southern city in virginia. There was a gay community in the 70s here but it’s all gone now. There was even a gay church. I attended and it was wonderful. The guys that were in a relationship had their arms around each other as well as the women. It didn’t last long because the church started getting threats and law enforcement started harassing them. We even had a gay night club then. Same thing happened. So progress was made but society wouldn’t leave us alone. That’s why the population is 46,000 same as it was in WWII. Nobody in their right mind would want to move here. I stay because off different circumstances. So I suffer. I read in a book about a study done that said gay men live on average 20 years less than others. I believe it. I’ve known 7 men since 2004 that have died alone in their beds. Nobody wanted them including their damn families. What a waste. Ages 34 to the oldest at 66. So at 58 and alone with no family more than likely I’ll be next. Just the way it is.
You can’t force a community into being based on proximity, and you can’t force people to behave how you think they should.
People tend to form their own attachments without meddling from self-appointed life directors.
The relationship comment was sarcasm. Obviously a real relationship takes time to develop but these little problems work themselves out as more people have longer lasting relationships as examples. I’m quite proud of our little community. Every great thing started as something small and silly looking.
My community is the actual community in which I live and is not dictated by my sexual orientation. I prefer to associate with all kinds of people who are interested in me as a person based on my interests,character,etc. Sexual orientation never plays into it. I will never say I am part of the gay community because that part of me is so low on the list of what makes me who I am it’s almost irrelevant.
If you’ve fucked a straight guy, I don’t think he was straight to begin with. You might’ve been his first homosexual experience but he wasn’t straight….anyway, I digress….
The story isnt limited to the mentioned seven city area…my experience where i am is much the same…its not a local problem at all..its just how the gay community IS and really operates. You are delusional if you think its going to change..im auto_moderated on here so i dont expect my comment to survive much less intact..the gay community hates the truth with such vitriol it will never realistically look at itself and get be “real” about it….it wont ange at all. It cant because of its very nature. It thrives on lies and self indulgence self importance and base satisfaction of urges at an instant.
…change at all….
I read that essay with interest and empathy. It spoke to a yearning a younger man and I chatted about a few days ago. We thought how great it would be if there were a town square, with shops and cafes, where gay guys could go and just know, as they went about their business, that they could bring things up in conversation that would be understood because of similar background concerns. We thought the gay bar has the undercurrent of alcohol and stress, useless for guys who don’t like the tempo or innuendo as a basis for just hanging out and meeting social contacts.
I know I’ve chatted with many, hooked up with some, made friendships, traded advice, encouraged each other, and that makes a difference for some who can’t overtly associate with others because of different factors such as isolation, pressure, etc. I believe the essay author and his friends had a good idea and a useful one. Too often, the only examples available are more demonstrative or even perceived as flamboyant, and that’s not where the nervous new guy is likely to go for guidance. Even among ourselves, the most visible people appear (I said APPEAR) to be the deliberately overt, the insensitive hedonists, the sugar daddies, the “generous-only” seekers, all of whom appear to be trying to get theirs and get on. No, this is not the accurate cross section of our cumulative community, but it is the more overpowering perception.
The writer wanted to build a community by networking, as minorities have successfully done for a long time. I know of one minority group that quit that, and their gains and perceptions have plummeted. The guys who say the writer and his friends don’t have the right to set people’s morals, didn’t read all he said. We do have to present a spectrum, some insight, some wisdom and experience, encouragement, a blanket of understanding for the uncertain, the lost, the dusappointed, the disenfranchised. We do have to embrace our differences while affirming our individual personage. I applaud that effort. It’s just a large scale organizef effort like the old coterie of buddies some of us have, but the new guys don’t. I commend it, and on some level, even in dealing with people who don’t sexually attract each other, we ought to have that goal in mind. Working together, we can float. It’s only “every man for himself” right before you sink. Great effort!
@Richard – Richard, would you reach out to me please? I have had similar thoughts and would like to hear more of your perspective. My handle (janus2005) is actually what i use on a4a. Thanks.
Makemeabird we have spoke a couple of times on here and I’m a soldier here in Killeen. Its so sad that in order to have fun with other gay males we have to commute to Austin. But in doing that I have met a great group of guys that I really enjoy being around cause I can be myself.
In my experience, the only community most gay men are looking for is in the inside of an adult bookstore or bathhouse!!!! How do you expect their to be any “community” anywhere when most gay men relegate their experiences with other gay men to momentary fluid exchanges soaked with drugs and alcohol. How can we have any semblance of unity when we objectify and sexually degrade each other sooooo much, it doesn’t leave much room for respecting each other. We fuck first and then try to base some type of “relationship” afterwards (granted we find them hot and the sex is mind-blowing)… If we don’t find the sex mind blowing then we just add them to a long list of one-night stands, fwb’s, and fuck buddies that we never talk to again… wtf about that says anything about community…gimme a fucking break!!!
I’m with Einethens and LC!
Throughout the history of human civilization, there have been minority groups that created exclusive “communities” of people just like themselves. In the vast majority of cases, these groups either scattered to the winds or died out within one generation. The few societies that have survived over time are isolated, completely out of touch with the rest of civilization and contribute nothing to making the world a better place (Think Amish).
We don’t need self-appointed directors assigning us lists of places we should go and things we should do in order to be a “community.” No, the best thing we can do for ourselves, others like us and future gay generations is to live our lives decently, honorably and openly, as we are thoroughly integrated with the straight folks around us. Life will be better for all of us when mainstream society becomes more conscious of our similarities than our differences.
The more I go back and reread, the more disturbing I find this.
Basically, it sounds to me like you want to form a group so you can run it according to your rules and judgments.
You talk about how badly gay men treat each other, and a few paragraphs later speak dismissively about bears, twinks, and older men.
And you make a point of bragging that ‘because we (the self-appointed leaders) are educated….’ you’re in position to spot behavior with which you don’t agree, then swoop in and correct it. For their own good, of course.
In other words, you don’t want people to grow by learning from their mistakes, you want them to learn what you think they should know, because of course you know best.
That isn’t a community, it’s a cult. I wouldn’t want to belong.
It wasn’t just podunks in Texas around Ft. Hood, either…it was in the major metropolis areas, as well. The bar scene was BETTER…by far…at least for me. This crap of apps and wanton hookups is bringing back HIV in infection rates not seen since around 1984, and there’s no humanistic social rituals to observe. At least you meet a guy in a bar, there’d be social interaction and you could voir dire him to see if there was “something wrong with this picture” before falling into bed with him. I’m noting that this online stuff is a grab bag of flakes, weirdoes, HIV terrorists and worse. The bars have mostly disappeared, with a few of the better (but much smaller) establishments surviving, and they weren’t the “gay cathedrals” we knew of old. But give me that, rather than this…I got a LOT better quality of men then than now, that’s for DAMNED sure. Now, it’s not about getting to know other men…it’s just about getting one’s nut and NOTHING MORE. Gay society is going to lose ALL the gains it has made since 1971 if we keep going down this path, and the rise of the apps has pretty much destroyed the fabric of gay society that we built in the ’70s after Stonewall, etc. The young ones haven’t a clue about any of this; they think all this crap today is “normal.” I’m glad I’m getting old; the way things are going these days, I wouldn’t want to be around later on. Biggest problems gay men have now? “Tina” and HIV. Morris Kight once said that those were two issues that needed to correct through our behavior. We have failed….miserably…and the “appy world” is just making it worse.
The last thing the Community is is a community. It’s right up there with “the Cloud” for storing and transfering data. Hardly anything in the sky; just a bunch of servers connected through the internet, each doing its own thing.
The “Community” is really not much more than a name/label put on a unconfigured social entity. “Community” members are all to often horrible to each other, chastising over even the most subtle differences. Not surprising where its stereotypical “members” are all about “me” … my freedom act a certain way, my point of view, my freedom to dress a certain way, my sexual favorites and pleasures, my lifestyle, my need to recognized, my need to be pleased, etc.
Even when Michael Sam revealed his sexuality, President Obama declared him suddenly “a member of the LGBT Community”. Well what exactly did that mean? Was he issued some kind of card? Did he gain some kind of rights and privileges? Was he now under some obligation as far as behavior? Would the “Community” offer him guidance on dealing with the media once he was thrust into its spotlight?
Does the “Community” have a President or a Chairperson? The Democratic Party even claims that the “Community” is vital to its success. Do leaders of the Party sit down and speak with elected “Community” officials and determine strategy?
Does the “Community” have a set of agreed to performance factors? Rules of behavior? Conventions for policy creation?
What exactly is the “Community” other than a “thing” people refer to when trying to authenticate or legitimize a position they’re pushing?
Really, not much more than the “cloud” when it comes to sexuality.
Wow…people really misinterpreted what I wrote here. No one is trying to control anyone or lay down rules or have some Governing Gay Council that everyone has to ask permission from to do anything. I was only saying that some of the leaders (and to us that just means people you go talk to when you need a listening ear. Mentors I guess) are educated so we have more available tools to share advice and opportunity. I wasn’t dismissive about bears. I love bears.
I applaud the OP for taking stock of the situation in his area and trying to do something about it. Community organizations come from exactly that type of beginning. The next step could be the formation of a gay hotline, a gay community center, a local newsletter, a rap group, a health cooperative, a political action committee, etc. This won’t be easy, as evidenced by the negative comments in this thread, but it is doable. I remember when I lived in San Antonio (1998 to 2002) that the gay community center closed, the community splintered into warring factions, and competing pride parades were held. It took time, but the community has now seemingly stitched itself back together. Unity is possible, and needed, and I think the OP should be encouraged in his efforts. “To avoid criticism, say nothing, do nothing, be nothing.” –Aristotle
Hey what’s up