Health : HIV Stigma ; It’s Coming From Inside The House!
(Written by Ken Monteith at PositiveLite.com )
My headline probably isn’t going to win me any friends. It’s conventional wisdom that stigma is one of the biggest problems we face in the fight against HIV — stigma related to HIV itself, and stigma related to the ways that HIV is commonly transmitted (we still can’t talk openly about sex and drugs after all this time and all these ruined lives). Stigma is the thing that keeps us from being able to communicate prevention messages to those who need to hear them, and stigma is the thing that leads to discrimination against people with HIV that plays out in criminal charges, denied jobs, rejection by those around us.
But I have to ask how much of that is real and how much is anticipated and built up in our heads. Oh, I have no doubt that there are experiences of discrimination and that people have to live through bad experiences because of the unfounded fears and ignorance of others. But do we all?
Let me be the first to point out the privileged positions from which I can issue such speculation — I’m an educated, fully employed white man in a society built for educated and employed white men. Oh yes, and my employer being an AIDS organization, it won’t be my status that gets me sidelined from there.
I have still had some experiences of “outsiderness” based on being gay and then based on having HIV and they haven’t been pleasant to endure, but I’m not sure how much focusing on the negative experiences might be skewing my assessment of my overall experience.
I had a conversation at work the other day that brought this home in a broader way. In our society, we have support groups for people who have had bad experiences — botched operations, difficult medical conditions, mistreatment by authorities of one sort or another. What we don’t have is a focus on what goes well or smoothly. We’re really set up to bask in the bad things and let the good ones pass us by. So, in that sense, let me re-examine my own experiences of HIV, always bearing in mind all those pesky advantages I have on my side.
When I came out as gay to my family, I put myself through hell getting there. My sisters were the easiest for me, so they were the first, and I pretty much got acceptance and not much surprise from them. I’ll leave out the one thing one of my sisters said that wasn’t the best, because she is horribly embarrassed to have said it at all. That didn’t really help me to tell my parents, and I went through years more of agony and hand-wringing, tinged with depression, before finally writing a letter from afar. Their reaction was immediate and very positive. My hell was for nothing, and what a relief that was. When it came to telling them about my HIV diagnosis many years later, I had no hesitation, and I had all of their support again.
Thinking on the parallels between the two comings out, I have to say that when I consider most of the people I know who are gay, lesbian, or anywhere else on the queer continuum, I know very few who have been rejected. I’m aware of the horror stories of some unfortunate individuals, but the positive ones and the neutral ones are far and away the majority of the stories I’ve heard out there. I don’t think that’s because I am insulted or sheltered from them, or that I travel only in privileged circles. I think it’s that most of the stories out there are positive, or at least not negative. That doesn’t make the negative ones any more acceptable, but it ought to help us put them into perspective, and hold up the good experiences as models to follow and learn from.
Coming back to HIV, I have to say my experiences have been similar. A lot of anticipation of rejection and hostility going on in my head, but it doesn’t play out that way most of the time. I can’t bring myself to attach much value to the fears or judgements of people whose own attitudes will deprive them of the opportunity to get to know more about me than my HIV status, and the people whose opinions and reactions matter the most in my life — family, friends, colleagues — have been very supportive. When I overcome the anticipation of rejection to actually share, it tends to turn out just fine.
I know that stigma and discrimination exist because I do see them at work every day. I just wonder how much we are immobilizing ourselves with the fear of something that is not as pervasive as it may appear.
Ken Monteith
I have been open and honest on all my profiles since my diagnosis in 2008. I have sent messages to guys looking for friends, as there profiles says, to get no reply back or just my msg being unread and just deleted. Our community is still so very uneducated it’s sad. We all want to have equal rights etc yet we can’t even get along in the gay community. Why is it so hard for us all to join together,get educated, and make things happen?
How is HIV any different from anything else too many self-appointed holders of the “gay brand” gays give other gays crap over? Too old, too hairy, too “manly”, too heavy, etc. In another blog here, one poster said that Sam Smith represented all gays. Really? With his high pitched voice and one “distinct” style of dressing? All gays? No.
Until the “distinctly narrow minded” come to understand that gays now are in all political, social, economic, ethnic, racial, professional, religious, health, etc. groups, the “cause” shoots itself in the foot. Maybe it feels it must to “keep the cause (hate) alive”. After all, every step toward acceptance and understanding erodes its reason for being.
HIV is just another aspect of who we are as people. Calling it out as another “stigma” just drives division further.
There are plenty of gay guys who are attracted by all kinds of gay guy aspects that other gay guys aren’t. It’s a fantastic buffet!! Some people just need to learn to enjoy and value the servings they like … and just pass quietly and respectfully on the rest.
The stimga still lives very strong here in the Southeast.. there is an artical if you Google this question that I think might be very helpful to some to read and learn about the hiv Undetectable and what it means.. Google this question: ” How safe is it to have unprotected sex with someone who is hiv Undetectable?” a hole page of articals will come up on the page.. Click on the one that is titled, “Is Undetectable the next safe sex?” and read all the fact! People are not going to get over the stigma until they can read and learn about this..they don’t need to go by hear say, but facts about it..then spreading this information might actually put a dent in the stimga …
I was diagnosed in the early 1980s when people treated us like Ebola carriers. You just didn’t come out with it.
My career was full of extremely homophobic rednecks, so AIDS was not up for discussion.
My first A4a profile did not disclose my status, but when a real time meeting came up I always came out with the whole story. I became used to dropped conversations and over time included my status in my profile and was shocked at how few men actually read it. I made a habit of asking because men seem to lose reading comprehension when aroused.
I’ve always taken good care of my body and been the picture of health so they were usually shocked but vocally grateful for my honestly. I always tried to impart to them the need to play safe regardless of what a man says, but over the years many of those same guys became infected.
DDF UB2 is NOT a valid plan to stay HIV free.
I have been involuntarily celibate for nearly three years because I refuse to be barebacked. My “antique ” strain of HIV is easily controlled with intiretrovirals and I don’t want the latest drug resistant mutation or a laundry list of other STDs or other chronic diseases complicating my health situation.
WOw you couldn’t have put this out at any better time. I am hiv- myself. Having other health issues though. Last year a Doctor at the hospital actually said I had all the symptoms, but turned out to be something else. Ive been battling depression along with everything else.
Well the other day I told my room mate that I was considering suicide, he is my ex partner and I still have feelings for him. I’ve been telling him he needs to be honest with people if he’s ever going to have a relationship with anyone. Well ive known him almost 8 years, have lived in the same place with him 4, he just told me he has been HIV+ since 1990 but is undetectable.it didnt change the way I feel about him, I just wish he had been honest. And honest with other people he meets.
I stopped at, ‘White man’ …… *smh*
People reading this should reflect on how many times they have asked someone “are you clean” without realizing how offensive, hurtful and frankly hateful such language is towards people of various statuses.
I personally decided to immediately block any person using this language on apps and websites without further notice — I’m not here to educate them. But how many others guys will simply take the insult and feel “dirty” such because of their hiv status? And what’s this completely irrational trend of asking for hiv status to people you will have safe sex with? What are condoms for if not to make such question useless and irrelevant?
I’m not trading my self-esteem for the informationally challenged’s own imaginary protections.
A4A should do MUCH more to avoid offensive language to be used, for race as much as for hiv status.
Oh, and here I’m talking mostly about the US. Europeans have proved much more mature in this and will mostly consider questions about hiv a private matter completely irrelevant and inappropriate before safe sex.
We all know what the REAL consequences is of offensive language in the US: many hiv positive people in this country lie about their status (the huge majority of them do on A4A!!). How many guy using offensive language will end up having unprotected sex with hiv positive people they think forced to say they were “clean”?
Not so ideal in terms of prevention, right.
I’m not even talking of those who pretend they don’t know what undetectable means.
It does not help when guy put in there profile dd free so be you ,neg and you also. They are the one not educated or open mind about HIV. But, yet they will bottom and suck. People with HIV are more understanding and open mind. We too need to be love for who we are not what we have. Same go with people who other health issue(cancer). Can we all get along
this very good post sadly there people out who are very ogrnoant tis very sad I full support people who hiv positive that it realty sad tat people still bisat toward them, im not hive positive butkke said no people who are that hed some really rude shit from people who were not hiv positive tis reall very sad
I am a Poz male & I quit my job because I was making too much money to get prescription insurance. My Meds are over $3000 a month & I couldn’t afford meds & pay bills just by working. Now I am afraid of getting a job & loosing the benefits that I have.
I also push away any potential dates or hook ups because of my status & the rejection once I mention that I am Poz. I am finally at peace with my status & content with loving myself.
The Swiss said it inow 2008, HPTN 052 said it in 2011, Partner interim results said it in 2013… undetectable = sexually non infectious. .. so why is a private personal health issue anyone’s business? Is a requirement to disclose still valid in 2015? Without the requirement to disclose the stigma would evaporate.
The ignorance works both ways when it comes to HIV status.
I am an HIV- man, and I always play safely (OK, in full honesty, that’s NEARLY always play safely). Thus, I advertise here on A4A that I am POZ friendly. But I am regularly turned off by POZ guys who insist on being topped bare. Equally, I’m amazed at the number of other HIV- dudes who assume my “POZ Friendly” proclamation is an underhanded way to say I am POZ myself. The latter doesn’t matter that much to me — I’m going to wear the condom either way, and if they’re THAT ignorant or afraid of sex, I don’t want to be with them anyways…
Still, just because you’re POZ doesn’t mean unsafe sex is any less dangerous to you! In fact, the potential dangers to YOU are every bit as great as they always have been… perhaps even MORE so due to your compromised immune system. The only REAL thing that changes with your POZ status is that you become a very REAL (vs. only a potential) danger to others.
I have met plenty of POZ men who are responsible, safety conscious, sexually active, decent men. Yes, I’ve had sex with some. But there are FAR TOO MANY (in my experience) that are IRRESPONSIBLE — for themselves AND their partners.
All of that being said, I do understand that there is a “bug chaser” sub-culture… but that’s not what these irresponsible guys are purporting to do… they just want to have unprotected sex, and be-damned the consequences…. childish and dangerous…
Chip
St. Pete, FL
speaking for myself..im just scared..to get infected and to have to bear the weight of HIV…i am not a young man and a infection like this can cause me death or long term suffering . yes they have treatments for it and i could take all the pills, but at my age i have a number of pills already and hate taking them. high blood preasure diabetes . medical science changes every day. i am old enough to remember when friends died everyday..it was more than anyone should have to live through…but i did and HIV- at this time..and i want to keep it that way…so when i see a guy on hear that shows his status i tend to move on..and what am i to say..sorry but your positive and i don;t want to take the chance..i am not that cruel.. so i just don;t say anything..and move on…i understand the preujdice of it all ..been there done that for many of my years. i hate the whole mess but it is a fact of life..and what is the undetectable thing…positive but they can find the virus in you blood…what does that mean…I know you think i am uneducated and unaware of the scientific break throughs ..i read i listen but they are not saying that you can get aids from sex. contact, fluids, who really knows…i think its the cross some of us have to bear…i get tested every six months and i am negative…am i wrong for wanting to stay that way…
The gay community is stigmatized within for more than HIV, you can’t be fem, fat, or poor. There are bullies in our community who are just as viscious as straight evangelicals. They act like over sexed teenagers and still want society to take them seriously. I have a friend who is engaged to a man who is HIV+. When we found out he was poz we were very scared for our friend. But I think that some poz people are more aware and careful than people who are not. I won’t lie, the disease scares me…a lot. I have never discriminated friendships with poz people, but I can’t bring myself to date or have sex with one. I am ashamed of myself for internal fears, but that’s just my own fears playing out.
I have been Poz for 23 years now and I have to say that the negative gay men are the worst. It is all about SEX and being (US) and (THEM). The negative guys live in FEAR and don’t read up about the facts. Most of the negative men have no idea what (UNDETECTABLE) means. Negative guys on A4A will not even give you a second glance. Nobody looks at you as a person with feelings and never consider how much it hurts being rejected. All they care about is SEX. The ironic thing here is that then they hook up with a man who thinks he is negative and never was tested and then gives it to the other guy. GAY MEN ARE SHALLOW SEX PIGS
Let’s be honest I’m a young male in my 20’s. There is no reason to take a chance to have sex with someone positive. There are plenty of other guys to meet that are not positive. I always play safe but will absolutely not take that risk by having sex with someone with HIV. It’s a dumb risk to take. No offense but it is. If you practiced unsafe sex or drug use you need to deal with the consequences.
I’ve been hurt in many ways in a4a. So many guys r so hurtful in how they respond. It’s been a year that I have been diagnosed and my life has made a 180 degree turn. Friends I’ve had since I was a child no longer what anything yo do with me. Family members just make me not be their relative anymore. I have felt many times left out. And end my life. But that still small voice keeps telling me to live and not die. I hope to find that soul mate one day. I’m glad their r those voices that speak out. Thank u for that.
How wonderful that we can have this relevant, timely, and important discussion. And thanks to the author of this topic, A4A for providing the forum, and all responders on this topic. I’ve read — and appreciated — everyone’s comments. We CAN have rational, thought- provoking discourse.
Reply to Bg: I for one will ALWAYS find it very important to ask the guy I’m going to be sexuall with their HIV status, if you say your positive I’m not having sex with you. Questions about hiv are NOT a private matter if I’m about to f”””k you. “completely irrelevant and inappropriate before safe sex.” BS to that as well! You think if the top is poz and the sex is a bit rough and my rectom is raw and the condom brakes it’s not relelvent to know? Really? And I am European.
There is a common thread running through some of these comments: That being undetectable is in and of itself “safe sex.” That one can be fucked by a poz guy who is undetectable, bareback, and there is no risk you will become infected with HIV.
Don’t bet your life on it.
Being undetectable is certainly a better health status than being detectable. But it’s not a license to pretend it’s 1978. Undetectable is a status which can change, often unknowingly, for a number of reasons. Undetectable is not a cure. The proof? Stop taking miracle meds for three months and see if you’re still undetectable. You won’t be. The virus is still there, re-emerged.
Guys, we have the tools to end the passage of HIV from one to another. Don’t take risks. If your partner is undetectable, and you believe him, you still need to always use condoms. And refrain from other risky behaviors. The combination of undetectable and compliance with the same safer sex standards that have gotten us through the first 35 years of this is the best you can do.
Cuwnicu1, the clearest I can make it is this way: “undetectable” scares some people because they THINK it means the person has some “stealth” version of AIDS. They think the person has full-blown aids that the test can’t detect.
What “undetectable” REALLY means, is the person has hiv below the level for AIDS, and below the level that the most sensitive test can find. The antiretroviral (ARV) medications typically work by disrupting the RNA (the part of DNA that controls replication of cells), so fewer and fewer hiv cells are produced. It is possible that they all die off, but doctors are not sure a small reservoir remains that could awaken if the person stops taking meds. They think this because occasionally, people in first months of treatment may get a detectable viral load where they had been undetectable. It is possible that is simply a fluke, like the false positive some negative guys get.
Live studies have been showing that men, undetectable on meds, appear not to transmit infection. Doctors still are concerned about poz people being vulnerable to getting other std’s from other guys by unprotected sex. In other words, the condom is to protect the poz from the unknown.
Another issue, is the ignorant perception that hiv positive equals “has AIDS” and I have even heard some low level medical employees make that mistake. It is true that ignorance breeds fear. And fear breeds prejudice. And prejudice breeds hate.
The only solution is for everyone to read recent research, not old speculations, and learn truth for himself, and to get tested regularly. No need to be scared of a test. Not getting tested is more stressful. And ignorance pours stress on others who already have stress. But reducing stress helps the immune system, so why not do the wise thing, and indirectly, help out the poz guys by having a better attitude?
i have to continue to remind myself, that If there is no ‘cure’ there will become a point when more gay people have hiv than don’t – it seems silly to exclude pos people from the ltr pool – at some point that will be 75% of the options for a long term relationship – i’ve put pos friendly non-detectable on my profile before but became apprehensive on the type of potential attention it would get – so yea bias is the right word – sorry – the alternative option of global trust is not the best option either
Posting one’s HIV test date in their profile to tell the world you are negative, means nothing to anyone but one’s self and here is the reality check – NO
ONE knows what you have done since your last test results. That being the case, the posting of one’s test date is pointless to the world so why post it? It’s often assumed that someone is positive because they do not post their “test date” and the stigma is witnessed first hand. It makes me sad…
And the new one out there; ” know your status!” Well, I do know my status and when we make some sort of connection and there is a possibility of meeting and the intentions become more relevant then we can and will disclose our status to each other. But even so, is someone going to verbally accept someone’s word on this matter? I think not! If we are practicing and having safe sex, we have an individual responsibility to ourselves to insist on engaging in safe sex practices, no matter what truth or lies someone tells someone. To be honest with you, I believe someone who tells me they are positive over someone who says they are negative. Proving you are negative is so much more difficult to a stranger who you have just met online.
To be honest with the world; the ignorance witnessed here, the rudeness that exists in many profiles and the stigma that continues to be perpetrated by the stupidity of the authors of same profiles, is embarrassing and shameful in and of itself. Does anyone ask themselves, “what would I do, who would I be, if it happened to me?” You would still be you, but many would not agree because they choose not to see it that way. No empathy, no compassion, no desire to try and understand. “The fear of” steps into play and that is what governs many. Fear! And we wonder… Fear is what separates us and fear is what keeps the stigma of HIV alive and prosperous in our lives. I am not a religious man- I am a spiritual man; but God help us all.
Unfortunately in just society itself there are many diseases and viruses. HIV has been used as a platform to bash gay men since the beginning which is obviously unfair, but reality. I personally am HIV- although I lost almost all of my friends in the early days, which emotionally was devastating, but not nearly the pain that my friends suffered both physically and emotionally. I was hoping by this time 2015, that gay men would be more educated, understanding, less stereotypical, etc. I just hasn’t happened. Some of it is to the fault of gay men themselves and their never ending lustful attitudes…too fat..too old…AND I NEVER HEAR TOO YOUNG…which to me is sick and pathetic…what does a 50 year old man have in common with a 20 year old …NOTHING….lead a better example !!! As for OKLAHOMA..I’m glad you gave up your fears. As for wanting to stay safe and not getting another viral variant…come on now…common sense. If gay men do not put a stop to this madness were are asking for strains that cannot be treated…like cancer !!!! Do we want that. As far as love goes….I will love a man that will love me equally in return regardless of HIV status. There are so many worse things in life…I mean really. We all want love when it comes right down to it…So I suggest we all change our attitudes and love one another as we are supposed to as human beings. We are all equal regardless of status…looks..weight…age…hair…shaven…right ???
And if you want to comment directly to me…for the above..you may CODEXTC…Brevard County Florida. Peace and love to all.
The most intense Discrimination comes from Non Symptomatic HIV patients and HIV negative against Symptomatic HIV patients.
You can have 90 T cells and as long as you don’t show any physical issues You’re fine.
4 years after starting the cocktail I developed Bi Lateral
Avascular Nicrosis ( AVN ) 3 hip surgeries later carved up
I haven’t had a personal life since 2000.
If I had known that I could get AVN from the meds, lose my job, home & personal life, I would have preferred death.
I can not express in words the rejection & Isolation I have endured from my “gay brothers ” Funny I don’t get any negative response from Hetro’s or women
It’s been my observation that it’s almost impossible to find a profile of an HIV positive man that doesn’t include the adjectives “healthy” or “undetectable”. These guys seem to fall into two categories: the ones who take extraordinarily good care of their bodies, watching their diets and exercising to the point of becoming gym-rats, and those who go overboard with barebacking, fisting and wildly risky sex. The jury’s still out on the risk of such individuals transmitting the virus to others, but the latest research indicates that there is a 96% chance of this not happening. However, I’m concerned about the remaining 4%. Careful use of condoms and good hygiene can lower the risk even further, as will sexual practices such as mutual masturbation or frottage that do not involve penetration.
I went through drug abuse in part for not being able to accept my sexuality. I then went through HIV alone hidden in the closet. I was laid off from my job even though my file was superior to others this after being on meds through insurance…HIPPA does not hide billing numbers. After that was prosecuted and went to prison for non-disclosure of HIV “penetration without notification AIDS” I do not have nor have I had AIDS. I was also sharing drugs with whomever and in the Meth world that meant sex was involved. I used prison to become a better person even after the guards would tell other inmates and yes show them my file on the workstation computers, I was moved 23 times this caused my meds to be interuppted many times, not be allowed to work, has slept on bathroom floors, life threatened and routinely harassed by staff. I was given parole only because there was no grounds to not grant one so they gave me a straight 61 parole that means I get out in the winter with one month to find shelter and work. I am in my fifties with many medical issues and going on SDD. I had to overcome these things to survive. I can not get help with housing because I was granted temporary stay in a motel room. I will be out in the cold any day without warning. I can not attend support meetings or events for HIV because of the media attention I received before prison. And regardless of the fact I joined a church and help with their volunteer needs, also volunteer for the network I am isolated by the MDOC, and the world, because I am the poster child for everything society truly wants to say and believe about people with HIV.
I am very clear to everyone I meet or talk with I have HIV I have too.
Yes I will continue to carry on best I can, I am writing a book about the reasons I am who I am…Really not that unique I met many like me out there in the world perhaps one of you are reading this now.
So treat a person with HIV just like you would want to be treated, all people make mistakes. You want to say that people with HIV are sexual deviants or drug addicts try wrapping your head around what happens to a six year old child that gets raped by knifepoint by family. Do you really think he made that choice? Or the person that trusted his partner that cheated on him (that happens in any relationship of any gender.)Or perhaps that time you just should have used a condom and didn’t for whatever reason.
The point I am trying to make is we are all human, be nice to each other, love each other, labels suck!
Do you know that there is no scientific proof that HIV causes AIDS..None..and they cannot prove it..Some believe that HIV has been around for many years before they so-called discovered it. You know what kills people is the treatments not the disease..Look at cancer, its the chemo and radiation treatments that kill them, not the disease itself. The FDA is ran by the big pharmaceutical companies, or should I say paid..A trillion dollars a year is spent on drugs..They cant make money off of finding a cure, so they never will. This is why I never give to AIDS or Cancer walks..its all bullshit. We live in a society where now its where we are told you must go get tested and our minds get trained that way are even scared when all reality in my case..take care of yourself, stay away from the street drugs and pharma drugs as far as that goes..that is whats wiping out your immune system.Disease is the governments way of controlling the population..Do your research, look at documentaries on youtube, its all there. Its the crap you are putting into your bodies- street drugs and pharma drugs thats killing America.
I think the greatest hurdle honestly is understanding what it really is like being positive as a negative guy. I found out I was positive after dating a guy, but when I found out I accepted responsibility and made sure I did what I needed to in order to stay healthy. Fast forward to now on my profile that states I’m undetectable, and I’ve been told I’m stupid and deserve to die, that I am not healthy by guys because of being positive. It honestly doesn’t phase me, but the gay community as a whole needs to do more to emphasize that unless you’re raped, it takes two to tango. I’m not the problem, I’m open about my status, monitor my health more than most negative guys. It’s the ones on here who state NO BAREBACK, or DDF UB2 or neg for neg all over their profiles with safe sex only asking to bareback me, an openly poz male, all be it undetectable, that I blame for furthering irresponsibility.
Honestly, who else are these guys fucking bareback? When did they really get tested last? In order to fix the problem, people need to accept that having sex is a risk in its own right, the only thing you can do is take care of yourself.
Wow! “I’m an educated white man living in a society built for educated white men.” That’s….just too much.
I am discriminated against every day on this site.
I ask a guy if he is into JO, Long slow cock and ball worshiping sessions. They tell me I am back in Junior High.
I should grow up.
They want a top to fuck there brains out.
I tell them I am from an era where almost every one I knew died of Aids and Cocaine. I only play safe.
They tell me to grow up.
So I block them.
Putting my dick in some guys ass does not make me an adult.
It makes me stupid to risk my life for simple pleasure.
What the hell is wrong with long bate sessions.
Enjoying manhood.
Status really matters very little. Did you go with the guy to his doctor and were you there when his test results came back? No? When your hooking up with a guy you don’t know all you can do is assume he is potentially positive and act accordingly. It is simply a matter of using the brain in your skull rather than the one between your legs. It’s hard to understand guys who’s assholes are so sensitive that they can feel the condom on the dick that’s giving them a pounding or the guy who wants to stick his dick into some strange ass without protection.
Not using protection should be saved for when your with someone you know, maybe even monogamous with. Also we should remember that STD’s such as Syphilis, Gonorrhea, and Herpes are no day at the beach. Where is it written that we can’t be smart when it comes to sex?
I believe that rejection from others is probably my biggest fear when I think about contracting HIV-. I am HIV- but I do not always practice safe sex like I should and when I think about possibly catching HIV the only thing that really scares me is the thought that nobody will ever want me. I already see enough “no blacks, just a preference” postings. What would they say if I was positive? The thought of no one ever loving me drives me crazy.
For those of you who are poz, have you been able to date successfully? And I mean real dating not a4a hookup but intimate dating and relationships.
Smh so when did it become wrong to concern ones self with their own health? Or to take precautionary steps to prevent illness? I smoke nearly a pack a day. Ive had friends and family alike agree the habit is unhealthy and they dont want to be around me when smoking. So if im looking to have sex I should have the same right. I practice safe sex and I still ask for other ddf partners as well as hiv neg. All this howling about discrimination doesn’t ad up. Yes if I ask someone can so yes I still use a condom. But condoms break then stds n pregnancy happens in some cases. If you plan on having sex with anybody you should ask their stats and still play safe! Yes stay safe because people lie. We are responsible for our own health at the end of the day. No I will not have sex with someone with hiv because of the added risk factors! My ex bf had hiv and didn’t tell me until I started pressuring him to go with me and get tested since we were becoming more serious and had sex twice without a condom. I got tested abd followed up im neg. He finally told me he was pos after we broke up. In his mind since all I wanted was honesty I would take him, but failed to realize if he did that from the start I would have tried to work it out with him. Since then yes I do post in my profiles I ask when I meet guys at the bar (if I plan on taking them home.) So tell me this, if hiv pos people are having sex and hiding or laying about stats..why shouldnt people ask or restrict encounters???????
I posted earlier before there were any responses, and after reading them I have more to say.
There is nothing wrong with rejecting a HIV+ person. However it does little good when you turn around and have unprotected sex with a liar, or undiagnosed partner especially if his viral load is in the millions!
I’ve had a lot of rejection from disclosing my + status. It’s okay, I’ve been + for 31 years, I’m not phased by it. Disappointed sometimes, but not crushed.
I HAVE found love. I have had lots of unprotected sex with my top, only because we were monogamous. My ex knows that HIV must enter his BLOOD STREAM in order to infect him. Bottom guys are far more susceptible to infection from being topped because of the torn blood vessels from sex. It’s another story altogether if the top gets nicked by a tooth during careless oral sex. We have been apart for 3 years, and were together for five. He is still negative. I’m bi and do use condoms with women because they can be infected in conception, and I also didn’t want children.
I do not bother trying to convince anyone to change their fears, because they are terrified. I just move on.
The incubation stage of HIV is a few months, so If you want to PROVE you are negative, you must not expose yourself to anyone for at least 3 months before taking the test, and not have unprotected sex after “passing”. So posting your negative “credentials” or relying on other men’s supposed credentials gives a false sense of safety.
Come on! Many horny men are not going to let a little honesty come in between them and some release!
If you don’t want to join the HIV+ club insist on condoms.
DDF-UB2 is a great plan for infection.
I recently visited Atlanta, where I was in attendance at a party. Many of the people there were total strangers. What shocked me the most were the number of guys hooking up and no condoms. I kept thinking we really didn’t learn our lesson. There are so many STDs out there, why all the barebacking?
I don’t mind being rejected because of my +undetectable status. To me, all it means is that I dodged having to deal with an ignorant person.
Studies have shown repeatedly that undetectable guys do not transmit the virus. It hasn’t happened once in years of scientific studies involving undetectables having sex with negative partners. So at this point saying “there’s still a risk” is like saying “evolution is still a theory.” Technically, yes. In real practice, no.
HIV+ undetectable who are medication-compliant do not transmit. Smart gays know this — the one who will give you HIV will be the guy who THINKS he is negative, isn’t on meds, and thus has a high viral load. Or the guy who just lies to you about his status.
I think it’s funny when guys say things like “I absolutely will not have sex with a person who is HIV+, even if they’re undectable.” I just chuckle at their stupidity. Newflash fellas: if you’re a sexually active gay man with over 10 sex partners, you’ve already had sex with a guy who was HIV+ whether they disclosed the truth or not. Just because a guy tells you he’s negative — so what? It’s precisely because of rejection that so many HIV+ guys lie about their status.
So what you’re really saying is “I will not have sex with someone who is responsible and honest and whose chances of transmitting to me are zero according to studies, but I will have sex with a irresponsible liar who is HIV+ and just doesn’t tell me or someone whose blood is swimming in the virus and they don’t know.” Which is your prerogative.
I think it’s hilarious when a guy is all ready to bareback with me until I explain that I’m undetectable. If I had just lied like most dudes, they’d be all for it. And these guys are running around thinking they’re only having sex with negative guys. Hahaha, okay bro. Good luck with that.
***Let’s be honest I’m a young male in my 20’s. There is no reason to take a chance to have sex with someone positive. There are plenty of other guys to meet that are not positive. I always play safe but will absolutely not take that risk by having sex with someone with HIV. It’s a dumb risk to take. No offense but it is.***
Contrary to popular belief amongst gay men, the fact is, you can never be sure the person you are having sex with is HIV+. Even if you go to the clinic with them and hear the doctor tell them their test result, there’s still the possibility they may have contracted it but not yet been detected by the test.
Continue to use condoms by all means, but just be aware that by screening out people who have been diagnosed with HIV most definitely DOESN’T mean you’re not having sex with anyone who’s positive. It just means they don’t know.
Furthermore, studies show that people who don’t know they are positive are the ones who are most frequently responsible for passing the virus on because they tend to have a higher viral load. People with HIV whe also undetectable are statistically, very unlikely indeed to transmit the virus.
The bottom line is, sleep with who you want, but don’t fall into the trap of believing that discriminating against men who’ve been diagnosed with HIV is a sure-fire way of staying uninfected, because the science simply doesn’t back that up.
Jay, when u are poz and undetectable it is impossible to transmit it (less than 1%). If an undetectable man is my taste, handsome, intelligent and I fall in love with him, his status will not influence my decision of dating this guy. If he doesn’t know is different. That is the reason I always fuck with condom.