A4A : Preference Or Prejudice?

After 2 blog posts that got lot’s of reaction, I wanted to re-post a very popular post about this delicate subject of racism, preferences, prejudice….

Read below and comment!


What is Adam4Adam? To an outsider the site may look like nothing more than a place for gay men to find other gay men to play, but once you are a member the site can become much more.

Over time, fuck buddies often become long lasting friends, long distance friendships can be made and maintained as we cruise profiles and chat with people in far-away places, and life partners can be found as we get to know one another in a more personal way. But for many, especially when first joining the site, membership is about marketing yourself as a sexual object to find a match.

Marketing yourself and seeking others based on how they advertise themselves takes skill and honestly the more precise and accurately you describe who you are, your physical characteristics and what you are looking for in another person the better your chances of finding your match and finding him quickly.

We all have preferences in men, tall, dark, and handsome – short, stout, and average, when it comes to what turns us on we are all very individual.

Every once in a while our support team will receive an email from a member saying that they find a specific profile to be offensive because it says something like, ‘masculine Black men only’ or “Whites to the front of the line” and even “no fats or fems”.

Knowing the site is a place for men to find other men that may be able to fulfill a very specific sexual desire because they fit into a certain group or have a specific physical attribute, is stating what you are looking for bluntly appropriate?

Is it prejudice or just a benign statement of a person’s preference to say something like “Black men only” or “no fats or  fems”?

If it is prejudice, how is stating your preference for a specific race different then stating your preference for hair color or dick size? And, if stating things like your racial preference is actually a sign of prejudice, would you want to know that a member is prejudice before you start talking with them?

So what’s the deal?

White / black, long / short, blonde / red, how do you state your preferences without being offensive and how do you perceive others when they bluntly state what they are looking for?



There are 199 comments

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  1. Mpark149

    I think you miss the picture totally. Equating race to hair color or dick size….really. What does a preference of those have to do with one’s preference for race? One can prefer race without coming across being prejudice. Being honest we all pre judge to a degree but these bold statement on this site usually come out of ignorance. If a race is trying to message another and one is not interested…….usually a thanks will drive home the point or as some do no response at all…….

  2. Michael

    Context! Context! Context!

    The first thing everyone needs to realize is the context in which these statements are being made. This is a hook up site. Guys are displaying their cocks and asses in an attempt to attract someone for anonymous, NSA sex. Statements are being made as to what attracts a person and what sexually arouses a person. In that context, the statements are just preferences with no prejudicial intentions.

    Everyone on here can claim to being objectified. I am a bottom. Guys like the way my ass looks. They want to fuck my ass. They want a piece of that sweet ass. Then when we hook up, that is all they want, just to do a quick cum dump in my ass and leave.

    I have since remedy that situation and state in my profile that “quick cum dumps DON’T interest me!” Things have improve too.

    Also, I am a white guy who has been fucked by a good number of blacks. Yes I am attracted to their lean bodies and huge cocks, but I will be attracted to them if they were white, Asian, Latino or any other race. I think the naked human body is beautiful when a person is fit.

    In addition, I have gotten to know two of my black suitors outside of the bedroom too. So, yes I will date a black guy as well as allow them to fuck me. But these relationships started by both of us objectifying one another and hooking up.

  3. vince

    Personally, I would rather know what a man wants up front to avoid wasting time. I get that some men are sensitive because they don’t always fit the mold of what a man wants, but that’s life. Some guys on here say that I’m hot, some guys say I’m nkt their type. It is what it is. To me, the biggest problem are the men who can’t take no for an answer. Some guys like fat, femimne men, some like ripped muscle gods who would never be thought of as gay. Don’t take someone saying they aren’t interested to heart and just move on to the next one. There’s thousands of men on this site, you’re bound to find someone.

  4. l.c.

    This is very simple, you leave it out completely. When someone you don’t like messages you say “thanks, but no Thanks.” And let’s be very clear right now, preference and prejudice are two very different things, which are also different from blatant racism, which is what a lot of basic-ass gays exhibit. I finally found a good articulation of this argument recently when i came across this on tumblr: ” a preference is preferring broccoli to asparagus. You can say that because asparagus will always taste the same,even when prepared differently. And we’re not always the same at all. There are hundreds of millions of us and we’re each completely different from the next. If an employer said not hiring black people was a preference, would you agree?”

  5. The Black Professor Bottom

    I just have to say I’m really proud of the black gay community replying in this blog.

    It’s really important that people understand that black men in America do not live in the same world as the rest of you. We are discriminated left and right, including here on A4A.

    Sure, many of us have big dicks. Sure, we age well. Sure we have good skin. However, several of us like to bottom. Several of us want to go on dates. Several of us want to experience the same privileges that non-black gay men have access to.

    It takes me a damn long time to get a drink at a gay bar.

  6. Roots

    I am a man, The only title I will accept is from my Career.
    I do not live in a bod, I do not want to be put in a box with a title. Gay Straight crap like that.
    My personal preferences is just that.
    What I like. Some men make me hot right off the bat.
    Others can take away a hard on in less than a second.
    Why would I like to meet and spend time with a guy who actually causes me distress.
    Diplomacy is a mastered art. Sometimes it is necessary to dump diplomacy and get brutally honest with a pushy guy.
    If I offended you, perhaps it is because you offended me.

    We are what we are. Sometimes out tastes change by the day. We should celebrate diversity. Not actually condem it. Enjoy gents. Life is short.

  7. jose

    Most of the time, preferences and prejudices are revealed when you ask a person, why?
    I don’t think there’s a really a good reason that says I only prefer [insert race] because [insert rationalization].
    Conversely, the extreme preference for someone of a certain race can be termed a fetish.

  8. joey

    You left out one blunt remark so many make here,without any thought, “no old fat men”. Age is a part of life none of us have any control over. I don’t mind when people use, “looking for guys close in age preferred”, that is a given more polite way of stating what the person is looking for. I find so many profiles here to be so blunt and crude, that even if I was similar to what a guy might be looking for I wouldn’t respond to them. After all, none of us are perfect, but I suppose that understanding comes with age and experience, which so many lack here. That is my 2 cents on this topic.

  9. marc

    I’m white. I’ve worked with black guys, loved black guys, dated black guys, conversed with black guys. In person, black guys like or get along or love me, for the most part. Sometimes, traveling for work or pleasure, I want no-strings sex with my favorite guy: black men. And so I’m slammed by some for “objectifying” or “fetishizing” black men. It’s a preference, not racism or bigotry.

  10. ranchograd99

    I think it’s preference. But some people’s attitude make it prejudice. For example, I prefer guys taller, older, white or Mexican. It’s not a deal breaker for me, it’s what grabs my attention first. I’ve met guys out of that category and we are great friends. I think we all need to keep an open mind. Gay men cry so loudly about equality and fairness yet treat others like they are beneath us!

  11. Terrell

    When a guy has on his profile “NO BLACKS or NO WHITES” etc in all caps on their profile, I would take offense. I see that so often on these profiles. There are less offensive ways of saying you are not interested in a certain race.

  12. Boone

    Hey guys I’m a bi single father that has a girlfriend…. I’m 36 and a black man…I am very secure in my sexuality…I can appreciate any hott, good looking , well groomed , nice cock guy….lol…btw in a VersTop…however I prefer white guys to play with and other ethnicities to have fun with than my sexy black brothers…. I do specify my preference and turn dwn a lot of black guys..on the flipside I’ve gotten blocked by white guys as well as a Latino….I’m sure for being black. U can not get rid of ignorance, so u let it be. When I see a ‘white guys’ only…I laugh…but I respect their preference or prejudice… We must all respect each other and where each one is at in their lives.

  13. Jaamil

    I think its a matter of preference, however, how its handled and the interpretations can have such profound negative reactions, effects, and assumptions to others outside of his perception of what he finds that pleases him.
    I do believe that if you say what you are looking for, the mature thing to do is immediately after stating such, that you let it be known that it is simply your preference no offense to anyone.

    Its the same with me, I normally date/have sex with white top guys, and I get similar negative reactions or assumptions from my own people of Black men, and its frustrating having to mentally defend yourself because its simply what you prefer as that is what arouses you.

  14. Kirt28202

    I get called prejudice all the time. I put in my profile what I am attracted to in order to save time. I’m not being prejudice, just my dick doesn’t rise for certain ethnic groups. When receiving a hate email due to this, I use to try to explain why, but after awhile, there is no use as they just don’t understand. Does it mean I am prejudice if I am not attracted to women? It’s my preference, but often misunderstood.

  15. Chip

    It depends on the context. If I say I like dark-skinned men, but don’t disparage pasty white guys, then it’s just a preference. On the other hand, if I say “no smelly blacks” then that is a prejudicial statement – even if I preface the comment with something absurd like “no offense”. (I’d say that about 90% of the time someone prefaces a comment with “no offense”, what comes next is exceptionally offensive!)

    Prejudicial means you’ve made a pre-judgement of someone based on some un-associated aspect of that person (e.g.: Polish people are dumb, Jewish people are cheap, Black men have huge cocks, Asian men have little cocks, etc.) These are all prejudices because you’re making assumptions about someone based on something that is actually unrelated. (There are plenty of smart Polish people, compassionate and generous Jews, Blacks with smaller cocks, and Asians with nice big fat cocks!)

    Which brings us around to “BBC”. I know a few guys on A4A who advertise that they want (exclusively or not) “BBC” — and the ones I know tell me that it isn’t the BLACK part of BBC, but the BIG part that they want. Unfortunately, with the rather restrictive space available for ad text, the use of acronyms and other “shortcuts” is almost a requirement (DDF anyone?). Add to that the text/Twitter influences, and we get a re-definition of BBC that’s neither racist nor prejudicial.

    So again, it comes back to context. Whereas “Seeking BBC” should be fine, “BBC only — no whites” seems (to me) to be over the line.

    Some time ago this blog had some instructions on how to write a good ad… and in those instructions, it was suggested to write about what you DO want, not about what you DON’T want… Keep it positive! I think that is sage advise.

    Personally, I like men of all colors — and enjoy meeting “new kinds” of men (recently had my first intimate experience with Ginger! YUM!). But as a dude in his 40’s I run into “age discrimination” often (I actively state in my profile that I prefer men in their 30’s and 40’s, but many of these men only seem to want dudes in their teens & 20’s… c’est la vie).

    I think (my opinion) that people who exclude others based on age, race or skin color are missing out on a lot of GREAT sex!

    That being said, I respect the rights of other people to make their own judgments — after all, it’s their body! I don’t let other people’s prejudices upset me. Even when some 19 y/o ass-wipe takes the time to send me a message that say’s I’m too old (or my dick is too small)… they get my pity, but not a reply! 🙂 [If you find yourself arguing with an idiot, stop and ask yourself whether it’s not actually an argument between TWO idiots!]

    Finally, I want to add one comment to add context to this discussion. We’re talking about people you want to have sex with here, not people you want to employ or simply associate with! If you ONLY want to have sex with Black transvestites with uncut cocks that have freckles on them — so be it! What is more central to personal freedoms that the ability to choose who we get naked and share bodily fluids with! This is NOT AT ALL like discrimination in the JOB PLACE, or housing, or any other basic part of life…

  16. cuwincu

    as a black man i think it fine to state you want and what you are looking for. it is not racist to say Black men only if that is what you want and desire. after all in the end it is all about you.

  17. Pageboy50

    For the most part we have become way to sensitive! I think it is good that a guy states his preferences up front. There is nothing wrong with stating what u are looking for in a partner…whether for a hookup or ltr. Isn’t it better to know what the other guy likes rather than to waste time and energy on a relationship issue that is not going anywhere? Come on guys…GROW UP! I, for one, am so sick of everyone walking on egg shells because I might “offend” some guy with self esteem issues. Most everyone has no problem sharing what types of food one likes or the movies one likes to watch, or the music one like to listen to. What the hell is the difference in stating what you are looking for in a partner? We make choices all the time about what we like and don’t like and it is no difference with the type of men we prefer. GROW UP and stop looking to always find issues that aren’t there!

  18. darrell

    it’s a matter of preference…i’ve dated men of all ethnic backgrounds…so if i run across a profile that state’s white only it doesn’t bother me…but what does piss me off is when a white subscriber state’s white only and i see him constantly looking at my profile…i know he hasn’t changed his mind regarding his preference…i met a guy here once and didn’t know he was into the black/white racial name calling thing when it came to sex…we were having a good time and he called me a nigger…i wanted to choke the shit out of him…

  19. Eric

    I personally have always taken the blunt approach. It may make me come off sounding like an ass hole, but if someone decides to message me and overlook that, all power to them. I like what I like & nobody will change that.

  20. The_Crass_Clown

    I’ve come across black people that say no blacks. Asians that say no Asians, whites that say no whites, and latinos that said no latinos. Just like I have seen other profiles that ask only for their own kind. Are any of them prejudice/racist? Not everyone is someone’s type. I know that there are certain types that I go for, just like certain types that I go for. I’m well mixed, to the point where it really doesn’t matter to me (about 7 things). Sure I might have what type of guys I favor over others listed. But that doesn’t mean I won’t give others a try. I’ve been called a racist by some latinos on here before cause I wouldn’t give them a chance. I just wasn’t feeling the whole anything goes, loves to creampie, and the fact that they demanded I provide everything. So I don’t believe someone should be called racist over preferences.
    Just like those that prefer BB, anything goes, or safe sex. It’s preference on what they like. We all have a type and respect it. Unless someone has says in their profile has racial slurs and other actual offensive stuff. Then lay off them.

  21. Mike

    I limit my statements on my profile to describe myself and things I’m into. I do not make statements referring to the traits of men that excite me because I know there are a lot of guys out there who want nothing more than to criticize such statements and by default the person who is only trying to be honest about what he’s looking for in a guy. I think it’s sad that we cannot try to find common ground that serves to unite us, rather than trying to create divisions. Life is tough enough already for us without having guys who share our same desires to be critical of each other. Unity should be real not just a perception.

  22. Mochasoul

    Prejudice: injury or damaging results from ones judgement or actions…Its preference plain and simple. Everyone ain’t for everybody. I love white guys because I like the features of white guys but I won’t turn down other races just because theyre not “the color” I’m looking for. Some people who complain about these issues can’t get what they want and can’t deal with it. You cant go around being sensitve to other people’s prenotion on what you’re “supposed” to be. If someone told me that I’m not the right shade for them or I’m too short, fat, feminine, straight, old, or whatever excuse they give to get out of meeting a new possible interesting person; then that’s not my problem its theirs. Chances are we wouldn’t get along anyway.


  23. The_Crass_Clown

    I’ve also been called prejudice cause I didn’t want to have to keep on copying and pasting messages in spanish to Google. And that I don’t know spanish that I’m racist/prejudice. Had they gotten to know me they’d know I’m 1/8th mexican with a full mexican/latino name. And if I didn’t learn spanish for my grandparents. What makes you think I’d learn it for a complete stranger. lol

  24. balenciaga

    I find it ok to state your preferencesbut you are able to detect when it’s a racial thing. Like when I first joined I thought it was for blacks only lol then I realized that it was for whom ever looking for whatever so to each his own

  25. Boysboysboys

    Lol, ‘blacks only’ I love how you added that, but how many times do you see that on profiles compared to statements that bar minorities: no Asians! No blacks, no coffee, white for white. All of these are simply reflections of gay society’s racist past I. Which minorities were prevented from entering gay bars, using the same signs and language some men now have on their profiles.
    Now is it prefernce or prejudice? Definitely prejudice, and OFCOURSE white gay men will deny this. But anyway, for your edification: preference is the act of preferring one thing over another. Not the act of barring or excluding entire groups. I can PREFER, vanilla ice cream to chocolate, but that does not mean that I will not eat chocolate. Most men are not doing this- they are excluding entire groups- “whites for whites and No Blacks” is exclusion of an entire race. And OFCOURSE there are some men that will say well I’m only attracted to XYZ. Ok, you may have been socialized to find white skin and features attractive- but that really isn’t an excuse. Black men especially come in a range of shades and tones with varying features, from the darkest to white passing. If it is that you won’t date someone who looks black, you have a problem. So unless you have seen all 53 million black men in the USA, how can you say you aren’t attracted to an entire group?
    Furthermore, there are people who claim it’s biological. No scientific studies have proven racial attraction, infact the studies that have been done point to person being attracted to stereotypically masculine features: which most races posses, so again your argument is void.
    Look I have no problem with people wanting to exclude entire races, I understand I can’t help the ignorant. But I do think we should call the racism in the gay community what it is- prejudice, not prefernce.

  26. Poo poo

    Have your preferences, but keep em to yourself. You wouldn’t advertise it on the shirt your wearing, so don’t on the sites. And if you must be more positive than negative. “Partial to men of color” rather than “no white guys”. One is easily more offensive than the other

    It’s not hard folks just be a decent human being

  27. What?

    Hi Dave, thanks for your post(s) and for your efforts. I am a black man. I have worked on myself and my outlook on life for many years. When it comes to dating or meeting with other men I take it personally because I’d like to protect myself from as many forms that evil takes on as possible. I consider myself to be an open minded person who is eager to take on new challenges and adventures. However, when it comes to dating or hooking up with guys on line I find myself getting turned off by many gay guys here when it comes to my skin color and their behavior over it. I know we all have our individual preferences and turn ons, but when I am chatting with someone or if it comes as far as meeting someone in person nothing turns me off more than my date telling me that he loves black men. This could be true but it’s also very offensive simply because he’s out on a date with me, and to say that he likes black men lets me know that I’m just one of the many and that I’m not being seen as an individual. I would rather feel like I have been chosen because of who I am and some of the things we discussed in our chats and not what color I am. I am sure that when guys tell me that they like black men that many of them would like to say that they are happy that we’ve hooked up because they are attracted to guys like me. But when I hear, ‘I like black guys’ the smile on my face and the enthusiasm in my heart vanishes and I then take the first and fastest opportunity to get away from these dudes. Yes, we all like to be appreciated as individuals and also seen as being a part of a group. It’s like me going out on a date with a blonde guy and telling him that I am totally turned on by brunettes. Let’s start taking dating and hooking up on line more seriously. Let’s start by being more creative because just saying, ‘I like black guys’ is pretty bland and boring, don’t you think? If you like us, show us!

  28. Ryan

    Sometimes the “preference” comes from prejudice. It’s a fine line. I’ve had white guys say they won’t host me because they have fear in their home and won’t come to me for the same reason, but want me to cam with them.

    Some people just have fears that they mask as a preference.

  29. Chris

    Well I just say “I’m into masculine guys outside my race” (I’m black). For me, it’s truly a preference. I’ve seen so many white people say “NO BLACKS” like this is the Jim crow Era or something. Now Those are the prejudice guys.

  30. Stephen

    Oh, man…what a can of worms we have here. First off, I have no tolerance for the pic police. If you don’t like something just move on. If you feel strongly about it send that person a well thought out respectful (even if what offends you isn’t) message stating your case. To try to have someone banned because you don’t like what they’re saying is the most disgusting act I can think of. You don’t like s tv show, change the fucking channel asshole….sorry I get a bit heated about this subject. I personally need & desire big cocks to get off…I want to feel his dick deep in my throat as well as just being naturally turned on by the beauty of a big dick. Sorry but sucking a small cock does absolutely nothing for me so I do not want to waste my time or his. That is my choice. You don’t like it block me-though I’m probably not going to contact you anyway. I hold personal freedom as the most precious right a human being has. I definitely try not to offend anyone with every action I take & I think I do a pretty good job. So grow up & just move on & find people who share your interests & leave others to do the same.

  31. FreeRangeRadical

    I sometimes find how people state things offensive because words are tools that we use to communicate what we’re thinking, so if someone’s words seem offensive, it’s usually because the thoughts behind them were intended to be offensive.

    But, like being able to identify racists by seeing them wearing or displaying the traitorous Confederate battle flag, it’s better to know that someone’s a racist or self-loathing homophobe or closet case before you waste your time with them.

    So let them show who they really are. It saves the rest of us time and energy in separating the wheat from the chaff.

  32. Rex Ganymede, the 6th.

    for now, i’ll leave a short comment: it is very much possible, and perfectly plausible, to not be attracted to the colour (a.k.a. “hue”) of someone’s skin — and That would be a true ‘preference’; however, to not be attracted to someone’s (so-called) race (or ethnicity or nationality) is most-likely a straight-up PREJUDICE.

    which infers, acting on preconceived notions — and, not on actual deeds demonstrably-preformed.

    as i’ve said elsewhere: people, do not throw around the “r” word so casually, lest it loses its true meaning and import.
    we have ‘bigotry,’ ‘prejudice,’ ‘bias,’ ‘mal-culturalism,’ and some other beauties that we ought to employ, before we haul out ‘racism’ against an offender.

    and i’ll leave it there, until i can return to my laptop (as typing on a touch-screen can be a bitch)

  33. Greatguy052

    Thanks for posting this as I believe it is just that a preference and nothing more. As a black male I take no offense to those profiles that state white only or even a certain age group. I don’t have any expectations of this site other than to connect with guys who want to connect with me.

  34. a _____ guy

    You should not state your preference so bluntly as it can offend other ppl. But you have a way to be able to filter out the possible from the improbable. The best way to do that is to leave race and personality out if it because that is what every harps about and gets all butt hurt about. But as for physical aperence well that is on you if you don’t want to get your lazy but off the couch or Xbox or what ever then you should not be complaing that ppl don’t like you because you are 150 pounds over weight. Although you are still entitled to have likes and did likes you base have to know how to present them in a manner that is appropriate and respectful. The best way I think this can be done is to leave your preference out of your about me and just talk to ppl and in a few messages you can find out there dislikes and likes. And it opens up your eyes to other ppl cuz bow you have had this conversation with this person and you might not find the sexualy attractive but you find them intellectually appealing to you. So you have just made a new friend without benifits. And who knows you may end up adding benifits later on after you get to know that person and may even take it farther then that. This is coming from experience. But say you are only here to hookup with random ppl or make a few fwb. This method still aplies because in order to be “friends”;with benifits you have to actually be friends if not then by our just a tool for someone else’s pleasure. And if you don’t even want anything to do with someone the best way to go about it 9 times out of 10 is to tell them ” hey thanks for checking me out but I’m sorry i am not looking or interested rn. Have a good day and happy hunting” then the guy you just rejected won’t feel so bad because you replied to him and did not just ignore him. Cuz I’m sure every one here has been ignored by someone and that sucks. This I also know from experience. But any ways that how I think this situation is best handled but who knows maybe there is a better way to do it. I mean you can’t be right all the time ^.^¥ see y’all later.

  35. Devon

    I think the real issue is in how we phrase things. Certainly it can be hurtful when guys are bluntly exclusionary – “no fats, no fems” “hiv-only” “no black guys” or the like. Certainly some people do come across as racist or bigoted from those statements, though we can’t know for sure. On the flip side, you can certainly be more polite – “fitness is important to me, looking for someone similar.” “I am uncomfortable with the risk of sexually transmitted diseases. I prefer to meet others who are also hiv-. ” “I prefer guys who are of the same ethnicity as myself.” It doesn’t really change the idea, but it is more polite and civil while still revealing that the person in question has narrow perspectives about who they will accept as a partner.

  36. Azalean

    This again… What is the age requirement to be a member here? Because I swear some of you act like preteens when it comes to someone turning you down. If I’m not attracted to white/asian/black/spanish men, that’s just what it is. How can you make me want you? I wouldn’t want any association with someone whom doesn’t find my ethnic group attractive. Just move on. All of us have turned someone down once upon a time. What’s the difference?

  37. Monte86

    From a socio-anthropological perspective race is a way we identify ourselves and to some extent (whether we know/like it or not), our place with others. Categorically, I define race preferences as a prejudice, albeit usually benign. The gist of it is that our sexual preferences aren’t entirely based on reason, and work with our preconceived notions of what is ideal. The contrast lies wherein our ideals conflict with the globalized world. The better question to ask one’s self is, ‘why do I prefer this race over others, and is that justification reasonable?’ I think the question is why, and what influences drive those beliefs. Personally, I understand the psychology of people that decide to copulate with their own race exclusively, and the converse of people that are inclusive and copulate with any race. What intrigues me, is someone who selects only certain races while dismissing others and people who are disinterested in copulating with someone of their own ethnicity. It is very fascinating. So categorically, it is a prejudice. But it’s psychological and sociological in nature and rooted in many other things that have to be addressed and worked through first.

  38. bi_in_levis

    You said it completely, I quote, “We all have preferences in men, tall, dark, and handsome – short, stout, and average, when it comes to what turns us on we are all very individual.”, end quote. Sometimes we just want to get off on a particular or can ONLY get off like that. It’s not racist, judgemental or anything else, it’s a personal preference. Only want a handjob, or only want a bj, only want to top a tight ass or a loose ass, gangbang…we’re individuals, with individual tastes. Let it be that way, forever and ever, amen.

  39. muzyqman

    I don’t let skin color, hair color, eye color, height, weight, occupation or other superficial characteristics inform my decisions about who to befriend. But when it comes to sex, I have to choose the guys who make my dick hard. If a certain characteristics don’t get me hard, or prevent me from getting hard, then I won’t invite those guys into my bed. But I might still invite them to my home for dinner and an evening playing cards or board games. If I don’t want certain types as friends or employees, that’s racism. But if those types just don’t get my dick hard, that’s a preference. And we are all allowed our preferences for sex. Unless you’re the type who will do anything with anyone!

  40. Rex Ganymede, the 6th.

    why don’t you guys use DISQUS as your commentary-facilitating service?

    because, this crap here.. so out-moded.

    is this site not compatible with Disqus, or something??

  41. apeman

    I understand people have preferences. What I don’t get is why some men feel it’s necessary to state them in blunt, negative terms. Perhaps they feel they are saving time, but really, are their mailboxes so full of undesirables that it causes them a problem? If someone contacts you who doesn’t meet your strict racial/age/body type requirements, can’t you simply ignore or block them? I don’t see the need to write stuff like, “No offence, but I’m not into short guys/fems/older/Asians/Whites/Blacks/Whatever”

  42. kevin in Chicago

    For me..I honestly don’t care if I offend anyone. We’re all adults. And more than that, we’re gay men that have already overcome heaps of adversity. If we’re offened by eachother, it will make it only that much easier for other larger groups to hurt us. Words only hurt if you let them. Sticks and stones.

  43. sparks811

    There will always be preference and those who dig deeper in the meaning of texts. Its how we operate. Gay on gay prejudice will happen in one form or another. Masculine men shunning others for being too fem. Fashionistas degrading others for wearing knock offs.

    We have enough prejudice outside our circle. Don’t turn on one another.
    In the end we all bleed.

  44. Robert

    Saying you don’t prefer a certain race says that you think that entire race is a monolith (Google it), which is the basis of racism.

    Not one person can tell me the single, visible quality that each and every black man in the history of space and time possesses that makes him unattractive.

    It’s just racism. Own it, live in it, and move on, but don’t try to pretty it up by calling it preference, no matter how many black friends or #byefelicia’s exist in your space.

  45. jonnynct

    There seems to be a fine line between how a preference becomes a prejudice…or more correctly, how it is perceived. I think being politically correct is getting completely overboard. Like everything else, each person has personal likes and dislikes. If you prefer a characteristic (or characteristics) over another, say it, so others do not waste their time and/or not to message you. I am very open to any guy – it depends on the total picture. Yes, there are certain things that turn my head, but I am not going to say no to meeting or chatting to someone because they do not meet my ideal. It is all how it is put forth. But if someone is actually prejudiced about age, color, build and is closed-minded, please let me know, then I know to avoid you as your whole picture is not a good one.

  46. What?

    Azealean, This isn’t about being turned down it’s about being turned off. A4A is a hook-up/dating site and I know that everyone over 18 who signs up knows that they’re in for a few hits and misses. Let me make it clear to you, first of all I’m the one who’s doing the turning someone down and it’s not ever because of their race but because for whichever reason thing just didn’t work out, this case being that I was seen as being an object and not as a person. You don’t think that I would read a profile which reads, ‘Not into blacks!’ and I’d cry about it, do you? I move on to profiles which are more appealing to ME! And when others contact ME I listen and give them a chance. In doing this I get to see where each person is coming from and what they expect from our meeting and I also let them know what I’m expecting. I have a problem with guys who want ME telling me things like I mentioned earlier, ‘I like black guys’ and how it simply turns me off because they are attempting to undermine my self worth. I want to meet guys who really want to enjoy our time together whether if for just a couple of hour, days, weeks, or months. I don’t want to be hooked up with a guy who wants to be with me just because he luvs my skin color sooo much because if that’s all he has in his mind he’s going to be in for a big surprise when I don’t add up to all the fantastical expectations that he has about me and the people with my color. And furthermore I would expect him to be able to have a conversation with me. Basically, all the non-black guys with preconcieved ideas about how I am or could be who I end up turning down make me sick to my stomach and they ruin the chances for guys who might actually want to spend some time with me. Because I have had it with this stupidity I am now trying to figure out a way to just avoid white guys all together, and that’s no good either because it only means that I am doing the exact same thing – putting them all in the same boat. I guess what I am saying is if you’re a mean or uncivilized person, close your account or A4A should just change your wording for you and leave a big red, ‘A’ on your profile to let everybody know that your profile has been, ‘Adjusted’. And you get this scarlet, ‘A’ it’s only because you included something which could be specifically racially offensive to its users. So honey nobody here is crying about being rejected; we’re screaming for civility.

  47. me

    Why are all the gay men on here such stupid, narcissistic pieces of shit? Is it REALLY that fucking hard not to act like a complete asshole to a complete stranger who is just trying to get to know you on some level? Honesty DOES NOT have to equal tactlessness. smdh

  48. sjohnson

    this is a joke, right? first of all if someone is racist because you will not have sex with someone of color, older, younger, whatever…SO BE IT!!! just shows how some fairies are stupid. if you do NOT have a preference then you will take ANYONE/THING that offers you sex!!! NOT–therefore A PREFERENCE is in order!!!

  49. Franco

    Preferences to me are just prejudices dressed in attempted polite words. Do not assume you can tell a person’s mannerisms just. You never know who a person is until you give them a chance.

  50. Guruburu

    There will always be the pathological, lacking-empathy types who call reasonable people “over sensitive”, but I’m so glad to see the many thoughtful comments from people who recognize prejudice comes in many forms, not just the Nazis or KKK. As so many others have said, preferring one trait over another (asparagus v. broccoli) when given a choice (but still being open if their preference isn’t available) is one thing, but to EXCLUDE someone based on that trait (“no Blacks, fems, or fatties”) is straight up prejudice.

    It’s even more egregious when there’s a history/context of brutal discrimination based on that trait, such that saying “I don’t like blonds” (a group who is almost universally adored/desired and historically represented as “ideal”) is not even comparable to saying “I don’t like Asian men” (a group that has been consistently discriminated against in the U.S. even in our laws (internment camp, anyone?)).

  51. Carlos

    I do feel that stating those is unintentional prejudice at the least and racist at the worst. Stating preferences is one thing, but once you exclude entire groups or only associate with specific ones, you become ignorant of any other possibilities. I wouldn’t want to miss out on the perfect guy that matched everything else but color or size or someone that is interested in me, but then sees my profile stating that I only date latinos, moves on, and a great connection is never made. I also tend to have my profile focused on selling me more than asking for what I want. I have said that taller guys grab my attention or that I like dark hair and light eyes, but I don’t feel as though I excluded anyone while sharing my preference.

  52. Mark

    What is really sad is that the porn ads on this site are worse than the profiles. Black men are referred to as “thugs” while white men are “college students”. Even the porn ads on the blog page make this distinction. As a black man, I’m tired of it and wish a4a would realize the bias in their porn ads.

  53. Keith

    It has nothing to do with prejudice or racism. It’s all about arousal. Seeing black men naked won’t make my dick hard. It doesn’t mean I have any animosity or hatred for them. If you are black and want to hang out, get a drink, catch a movie or whatever, then great! IF you want to have sex you’re probably not going to turn me on which will just be bad sex for both of us.

    Women won’t get my dick hard either. Does that mean I hate women? Of course not. It’s the same thing.

  54. jr

    i really hate things like really makes me so mad when i go to this site and see the words NO BLACKS.or NO FEMS OR FATS.we all are a group of people that really the world hates.beleive me or not but its true.when we start hating each other or making comments that are mean to our fellow brothers and sisters..its time to think.put yourself in there place and think before you say hateful things. i live in roanoke virginia.i see handsome men both white and black..fem and as some put it fat.all i want and hope to meet is someone that can love me as much as i will love them back.we all are looking for love out here.and sometimes the best of friends or the lover you mite meet mite not look the best or share your skin color COULD IN TURN OUT TO BE THE BEST FRIEND YOU EVER MET..SO THINK GUYS..

  55. Ivan

    I personally think the gay community as a whole is extremely flawed. The reality is that we’ll never be able to get to a point of equality or happiness that we pretend to have… If I see that someone has something offesive to say toward any people of color (regardless if they are my kind of brown or not) I don’t give them any time of day… I can’t say I expect much out of our community… I’m just waiting for everything to collapse on itself.

  56. Ginger Fan

    “Preferences” are stated in a positive fashion; “I like ginger guys.” Prejudices are usually stated in a negative fashion; “no fats or fems.” Guys who express themselves negatively in their profile are usually negative in everything about life, focusing on what they don’t like instead of letting go of the bad and focusing on what they enjoy. Even if I’m not someone they are negative toward, I avoid these negative people.

  57. Just a Guy

    There is a way to get ones point across without being an asshat. Words have meanings….and you can let people know what you like without being offensive…..what it appears is that people have grown so disconnected with others, they don’t care if they are offensive, they don’t care if they hurt someone’s feelings…they just care about themselves. It’s kind of sad actually, but just the way it is.

  58. t

    Such an old n boring subject….no one is HIRING u here for a job so get the fuck over guys not liking whatever it is u are……honestly…men are ignorant n stupid…DON T WRITE A GUY IF IT CLEARLY SAYS HE S NOT INTO WHATEVER U ARE…….PISSY little gay men n boys getting butt hurt…POOR ME…geez…bunch of whiners……….

    It s usually those who can t get none that whine the most…STOP CHASING GUYS WHO CLEARLY DON T WANT U

  59. Grounded4fun

    I don’t understand why people have to vocalize their “preferences”. If somebody messages you you don’t like just ignore it and if they can’t stop block them. It’s just kind of tacky really to state that kind of thing up front. Says more about you and your big mouth (lol). Plus if you wouldn’t say it to their face you really don’t have any balls being blunt on the internet. Would you tell somebody to their face at a club that you don’t date or sleep with their race? Really?

    I personally have been just slutty enough to sample almost all the so called racial groups and nobody really completely fit any of my pre conceived expectations especially dick size or sexual role. Some trends sure but you’d be surprised.

    I’m happy about some amount of prejudice sometimes because well more for me! but it is tacky and shameful IMHO to alienate more people by broadcasting on your profile which lots of people click they are not attractive based on race.

  60. E

    When did this site become so sensitive. You can have a preference without being racist. If a guy on here says they want a young masculine jock, I wont message them as I am a soft bodied, slight fem, 32 year old. I’m not going to bitch and moan and beg him to see reason. I will move on to the next profile. I also have a preference that I won’t hook up with HIV+ men….we can be friends but I’m not having sex with you. If you wanna call me a small minded bully, go right ahead, but I won’t change my mind.

  61. Cyrus

    My response is an emotional one, not a rational one, so take that into consideration: The day when the gay community quits discriminating based on race, gender, sexual orientation, creed, color, religion, lifestyle, status, wealth, physique, etc., is the day the gay community joins the rest of the human race; oh wait … isn’t that what humans do already?

    Flocks of a feather, fly together. Preference toward those who are most like us, or in stark difference to us … my word … CHOICE! This topic seems to continue to fan a fire of objectionable disdain for that which separates us individually, yet combines us as human beings; CHOICE and PREFERENCE. Could some be racist? Possible. Could some be prejudicial? Possible. Bigoted? Maybe. Most would probably not be surprised about how jaded and objectionable SOME in the gay community can be toward others in the same group, OR outside the group; for whatever reason. COMFORT ZONE.

    I personally like to know up front, where a guy’s interests lie so that I know whether or not, time could/should be devoted/wasted in pursuit OR seek options elsewhere. Do you prefer Filet Mignon or Porterhouse? Cabernet or Merlot? Salmon or Grouper? Again, CHOICE.

    Please STOP with the derisive and divisive topics that SEEMINGLY and ultimately divide a community and promote that which can only unite, support and promote continued healthy human growth and development. Accentuate the positive. Do away with the negative. Too much of the bad already in everyday life with more important issues to address related to health, economy, national security, immigration OR when my next m4m naked play opportunity might present itself.

    Good day!

  62. Cowboy Dave

    Everyone, please take a chill pill, and while you are at it, through this political correctness out the window. By that I mean, face it, no matter how you phrase something, you are going to offend someone. With political correctness shoved down our throats, we have become a bunch of sniveling tit babies offended by anything. Boys (immature males), put your Big Boy Pants one (become mature), and be bigger than the person that you think is offending you. Years ago on Murphy Brown they did an episode on political correctness and in being so, she really got bite in the butt, it was fantastic in showing what happens when you take it to the extreme.

    If you are black and only want a black partner, thankyou for telling me and not wasting our time, (it’s your loss as I may be your white sole mate), same with age, weight, dick size…. . We all have our preferences and as long as we civil, ie no N*****, S*****, W**B****, and other hateful names, get over it. Sorry to be so blunt.

  63. seth

    So many of us white guys get criticized for saying “I love black guys” or “looking for big black cock” or “I wanna fuck tight black ass.”. This adam4adam site is predominantly a sex site — not Christian mingle — and our minds and cocks and asses are looking for something specific. I can’t help but think some guys are being a little too sensitive. Dare I say, like women. Oh, no — now I’m in trouble. Yik

  64. PK

    As a black man with his own sexual proclivities. It doesnt bother me when I see someone with a racial preference. I also dont believe its a form of racism. I think it is no different then hair color or eye color or height preference. I will say that the frustrating thing is when you do see a profile of interest Only to find out that you are Not the persons type. It can be deflating but hey. Plenty more fish in the sea. Why cry over spilled milk. You move on. That person isnt meant for you. Period !!

  65. czechy

    As a child, I made friends with mostly black kids (I lived in GA) and even now as an adult I have the utmost respect for my colleagues and mentors of color. I have not, however, met a single black man I’m physically attracted to. I don’t know what the big deal is. I’ll get a pass from a black man every once in a while because I don’t explicitly discourage contact from black guys. This is where I (politely) say, I’m not interested. Unfortunately, the conversation has always ended there.

  66. Lemar

    Honestly I prefer to read it in a profile or have the person tell me in an inboxed conversation what they like. I say this because if you’re not attracted to me please let me know. Have you ever tried contacting someone and they ignore you? He/she just never responds to or reads your message or just never opens it, what’s the reason behind that? I would much prefer a response like “sorry not into black guys” or “not attracted to you.” Anything along those lines is fine with me because it’s truthful. So I don’t get offended when someone puts in their profile what race they prefer because it’s just that a preference. We all have our “things” that turn us on and if a certain skin color doesn’t do it for you then so be it.

  67. Jacob

    I really don’t mind folks expressing their preferences. It’s the WAY they state it that bothers me. For example, I frequently see statements like “no fats or fems”, “no creepy old guys”, etc. Any negative can be stated in a positive manner. Instead of “no fats”, say “prefer fit men”, “no fems” can become “prefer masculine men”, and “no old creepy guys” can become “prefer ages up to ____”. As an older guy, I do resent the frequent pairing of “old” and “creepy”. I hope I can continue to get it up until I die LOL, and I hope those younger guys remember their rudeness when they hit that certain age. And any age guys can be creepy. Bottom line-state your preferences, but NICELY!

  68. usir

    I have to say ..I have been on adam for 7 years now ..yes we have conversations with each other ..yes ..we do link up with each other …yes we do meet life partners here …but still to me adam promotes way to much sex ..look now as I write this there is a advertisement my right, telling me about a young twinks first time ? Adam…it’s gonna be 2015 in one months time ..try just try to be normal for 1 month ..get rid of all the sex or as I say indicators of sexual desire and see what patrons say . Yes I did meet my partner here and it’s going 5 years strong and I am arabic and he is black .. so in a sense we blocked out all the confusion and focused on the important things that really matter …Our hearts

  69. Andrew

    It’s wasted energy to worry if it’s a preference or a prejudice; whether it’s A4A or any other such website. Who cares? Everyone has their preferences, prejudices, likes, dislikes, etc. I can’t spend time and energy wondering why the guy has “no [insert race here]” in his profile. When I see that, he’s not someone I would want to know, casually or otherwise. He and I do not need to have a conversation about his preference or prejudice. End of story. Move on! It’s a website!

    On the same side of the coin, I ignore profiles with the word “masculine” in it. That’s a hackneyed and trite word that’s lost all meaning. Gay/bi men have a warped sense of reality when it comes to that word. Likewise with “bud,” “bro,” “brutha,” “laid back,” “down to earth,” and “chill” – my least favorite; and I’m even more not interested when the guy is in his 40’s using “chill.” Really? (And do not get me started on men of color using the n-word. Those are just dumb, stupid fucks. Not worth my time.) Gay men want to be young forever, but they fail to realize that when you move into your 40’s, it’s time to give up the overgrown frat boy mentality. You can be young in heart and spirit, but displaying and using jargon appropriate for teenagers and 20-somethings leaves me a bit cold.

    For the record, I’m a 51 year black guy who likes black, latin, asian, white, PR, indian, middle easterns, purple, green, blue, etc., etc., ad nauseum 20-somethings (skinny, fit, swimmer, beefy, muscular, stocky, big, athletic, OK shape, out of shape, curvy, fat) in athletic shorts. 🙂 Is that a preference or a prejudice?

  70. MStSin

    Your absolutely right. We all have preferences on what turns us on. And this being an app to mainly hookup for sex,you should be able to say what your into,lookin for,and what your not into or looking for. However listing these things should be done tactfully. If its done the right way people shouldn’t be offended. But then again you can’t please everyone

  71. Jeff

    O.K. For one, I think to many gay men have way to many hang ups. For a group of people always preaching tolerance to the str8 community, this group is far more intolerant than others. As for myself, I am 50, 130lbs 5’9″ I have a body of a 25 year old. I don’t care if he is black or what ever. I like cock. But, when you see many of these young guys, 35 and under with a profile that says, no nasty old men, if your old enough to be my dad, old guys are gross, and one I saw in my town that said, I wish there was an old man spray. I just message them saying that karma is a bitch and one day your going to be the nasty old man. And will you have the same hot body?

    Most are just a preference. I like hairy men, not shaved so I don’t want to hook up with what I think looks like a pre-pubescent little boy. Hairy to me is manly. Black is fine if I am attracted to the body. Hispanic men are my weakness. But am I a racist because I don’t find Asians or men from India and Pakistan attractive? No I am not.

  72. Jeff

    If I don’t like beets, I am not going to eat them. One can’t force another to want them as a sex partner. Rejection is all a part of life. But some where down the road people were told lies by their parents or whom ever telling them they are beautiful, smart, handsome and so on. Now they are big boys and can’t handle the truth. Stop crying and play ball. I know the hot 23 year old with the perfect body and 8.5 inch uncut cock most likely won’t want to hook up with me but, I still say hi and compliment him. And sometimes I am surprised by invitation to bed with him. I have had more luck with the under 30 men than the picky arrogant stuck on themselves 40 something’s on this. site.

  73. Tottes Magottess

    the words “racism” and “racist” have such an evil part of the history of this country, no one wants to be associated with either. yet here we are in the year 2014 still talking about them and their being apart of the gay community. in the age of social media the internet is being used in way many of us had never thought possible. there is very little we can not do using the internet and while there is next to no accountability for the ads or posts on unknown number of sites used to make a connection w/ another person the power of words are forgotten. the current topic has been very close to my heart for many years. usually when something is posted regarding the “preference vs racist” argument it misses the mark.

    basically it comes down to this a preference something that everyone has for example everyone man has a head and on the head there may or may not be hair

    so it would be safe to say i prefer a man with short hair as compared to a man with long hair. this classification would include every man in every group on the planet

    so if i were to then say prefer black men to the exclusion of all other men on the planet that would be racism because the only criteria i am using to differentiate the men would be their race.

    so if i prefer eating oranges if no oranges are available and i have an apple or whatever fruit is available i still have a preference for oranges

    racism would be like not having any fruit at all because i only eat oranges and there are not any oranges available passing up all the other possibilities because there are no oranges.

    this being said as people with independent thoughts no one can tell anyone else who they should or should not be sleeping with because it is none of our business. so if someone is only using race to decide whom they sleep with how can they act appalled when someone call them a racist.

  74. naquan

    Quite honestly as a young black male I do not care if a white person does not like me, I like me, what concerns me more is how many blacks are probably more anti-black than the kkk. Man black folk make it so hard for one another, then they wonder why people of other races do not like them when they cannot like who they are smh.

  75. vugneesh

    Well first off theres is a difference between preference and prejudice. Preference: i prefer apple pie but if all they have is peach then its ok. Thats a preference. But to only eat apple pie because you dont WANT *not like* ANY other pie. Is prejudice. Dick size, nice ass, fit, average, top, bottom, vers. Those are preferences. Blacks only, whites only, fit only. Those are prejudices. When one only wants one type or a select type and will ONLY have sex/friends/fwb/fb/basic association with. Its definitely a prejudice even if they dont realize it. Of course theres always the factor of what makes you hot but lets face it men are men and if a fine physical specimen is fucking you right or you them. Then truly what does it matter what color their skin is. Or if you and someone find something to connect on outside of the bedroom. Then what does it matter who they are. I never come down on or judge people for what makes them hot but i do judge them on what they outwardly show on here. If your profile makes you come across as a racisist bigoted body shaming ageist. Then i simply move on. Better FAR more interesting people in the world.

  76. Talon

    I think there is a disconnect on this site between people who are here for sex only and people who are here for something more serious, whether just friendship or relationship. I appreciate some people are looking for something deeper, but there is no way anyone would be able to convince me that the majority of people are not here for a quickie and nothing more, and the more serious lookers are going to be disappointed by most other members.

    I think when people put things in all caps or otherwise sound angry about it is because they’ve had their preferences ignored for so long that they feel like they have to put that in there to get people to desist. And the people who are here for more than a blow-and-go find it rude or offensive. Some people have preferences based on race – if you are hard set in those preferences then you’re probably not going to actually find many opportunities but as long as you realize that I don’t see a problem. I’m only turned on by a specific type of person but I also realize that my own stats make it unlikely that most in my area would return the interest.

    What I do think should be immediately removed from this site are people who put things like “NO FAT FUCKS” or “NO GROSS OLD MEN” in their profiles. That’s fine if you’re not into that – a lot of people aren’t. It’s fine if you say “No overweight” or “nobody over X age”, but offensively worded profiles like that shouldn’t be tolerated.

  77. Derbeste

    I can’t control the race I’m attracted to anymore than I can control the gender. If only being attracted to a specific race is racist (even though I can’t control it), then 99% of men on A4A are sexist too – which is a ridiculous argument.

    That being said…. There are diplomatic ways to express preference. All it takes is a bit of respect for everyone’s humanity.

  78. carnalsoul

    Different strokes for different folks. it’s a personals ad not anything more. everyone has turn offs and turn ons and I’m sure that everyone has had a slip of the tongue and expressed them inappropriately. the only difference with an ad is that it is in print and often out of context. how many characters do you have to sum up your entire existence in anyway…

    I don’t know why I find other races more attractive than my own nor why others find their own race more appealing, but usually everyone’s aim is to find common ground quickly and accomplish whatever it is that brought them to the site. sometimes diverting what isn’t appealing is just easier than responding to hundreds of messages to say ‘no thanks’. and if it bothers you the end to your annoyance is but a click away. it’s called ‘block’

  79. DDM

    I understand that each person has liked and disliked and I don’t think that those preferences should be forsaken in the in the interest of political correctness. I think the way someone states his preferences says a lot. I always think it comes off less abrasive to state what one is looking for rather than what one doesn’t care for. It’s more appealing to me to see someone being affirmative (i.e, whites only, or prefer Asians and Latinos) than negative (i.e., no fats, fems, etc.). I don’t gt why you can’t just choose not to respond if you get a message from someone that you’re not attracted to. Even if an within the parameters of what someone finds attractive, it’s kind of off putting to see someone being negative about others. It doesn’t offend me as much as it is an indicator that the person is probably not someone I would have much in common with.

    I see profiles that exclude guys less and less. I see more profiles saying what the guy does prefer which is still exclusionary, but it’s done in a much more palatable way in my opinion. In any case, saying what you like it don’t like is prejudice by definition. It really doesn’t come off welll when guys from areas that aren’t diverse go out of their way to make a note of not wanting to hear from men that are unusual to see in their city/region anyway. I recently saw a guy’s ad that said “Black and latino only. White guys don’t do it for me. I fucking hate Asians.” I don’t know she couldn’t have stopped after Latino. His pics were hot, and I’m black/Latino, but had no interest after reading that.

    I definitely have my preferences but I don’t see a reason to state them. I’m open to guys of all ethnic backgrounds, I’m just attracted to some more than others. I think in the online world of hookups it’s okay not to respond to someone because you’re not attracted to them be it because of race or whatever, but if you won’t associate with someone based on their ethnicity in a real world context, that’s a different story.

  80. Greg

    I’m a white male who prefers to date black men. Years ago my first true boyfriend was a black man and I guess I’ve always just gravitated towards black men ever since based upon that positive experience. Yes, I do find black men to be attractive…otherwise why would I want to be with them? Most black men I date understand that I’m not looking for the “black mandingo” stereotype and while I am a bottom, my pursuit of the mythical (and believe me I’ve seen enough of them to know it is a myth) “big black cock” is not what drives me, but sometimes I’m judged by men I’m interested in as another slavering white boy looking to get fucked by a BBC, and that’s not the case…so prejudice can work both ways.

  81. Sly evans

    Bottom line,it’s prejudice……racism,whatever u want to call it…I’m black and love a plethora of men..and I’m from the South!….a preference is whether you like short or tall,not if he’s black or white,or latino,or Asian…that’s dealing with…let’s all say it:RACE!…which makes u a racist if you can’t hookup. With anyone outside your color…there’s a reason we have the rainbow as our symbol…

  82. honestly

    This topic is very interesting. I’ve experienced, however, a completely opposite side of being gay and how race is important in our gay community. I’m Asian. For the past decade, life has been very difficult even though I live in a very populated gay area. Many guys are open and honest regarding their feelings toward gay asian men as distasteful. Many have the prejudices that every gay Asian should only be with old white men and a bottom. On the other hand, nearly half of all gay Asians will never sleep with another Asian male.

    Obviously my experiences far outweigh the benefits of living a happy, open gay lifestyle. It’s very hard to befriend other races in the gay community.

    There’s actual words to describe Asians.

    – gaysian
    – sticky rice

    For Caucasian males who are attracted to Asians – rice queen

    Then there’s the idea of the skin tone/nationality of Asian men. Lighter complexions and those of Korean, Japanese, and Chinese nationality will find it easier than a darker skin Asian male.

    Have I been verbally attacked and abused? Yes.

    Have I been rejected? Yes. 99.9% of the time.

    Have I tried to meet guys on here? Yes. Did they give me the wrong address? Yes. I was obviously stupid to head over to an address only to find out it’s a vacant property or it doesn’t exist.

    Has this negatively impacted my life and choices? Yes

    Have I been called fat even though I’m physically fit? Yes. I remembered losing weight from 152 to 117 to impress a guy as he said he only sleeps with skinny Asians. I was unhealthy at 117.

    I’m already in my 30s and have been openly gay for over 14 years. I’d be lucky to find a guy willing to sleep with me. I haven’t had sex since 2012. The total number of times I had sex is 4. I gave up. I simply gave up. I wanted that experience so badly that I slept with whomever that wanted that few minutes with me. I’ve never had a guy my age. All of them were very old. I just closed my eyes, took a few shots of vodka, and the minutes passed.

    I’ve given up trying to even find a guy willing to date me or get to know me.

    Is it hard to be nice to others even if we’re not sexually attracted to them?

    I want friends who happened to be gay. I want that first date experience. I want that first sexual encounter where both of us are attracted to each other.

    For now… All I have is work and straight friends. I’m thankful to work at a place where straight men accept me for who I am.

  83. Ike

    For the most part I can identify their base personality from what they write in their profiles (and how they write it).

    There’s nothing wrong with having preferences like black, latino, ginger, blonde, tall, bulky, hairy….the real problem is some guys are just jerks about it, it got to the point where I saw profiles that basically said “if you’re don’t even bother”…..really? so because a guy is not your body type he’s not even allowed to speak to you? I’m sorry but b*tch that’s a whole new level of diva right there…

  84. Aaron

    Preference is not prejudice. Some people like anchovies on their pizza. Some people like ketchup on their eggs. Some people prefer dogs to cats.

    While we may be inviting each other under the sheets, bear in mind that your body, your home, your hotel room, your bed, is not public space. Even with a hookup, chances are you’ve at least seen each other’s picture and there is a mutual attraction. If there’s not an attraction, there’s not an attraction. Just because you don’t want to hop into bed with someone doesn’t make you prejudiced.

    Furthermore, if you’re offended by someone posting their preference and that preference doesn’t encompass you, then why would you want to bitch and complain? He’s not interested in you. He’s probably going to be a douchebag. Move along.

  85. Richard

    Yeah, we all have our preferences. I’m not racist at all, but I am an age hater douche bag lol. I told a friend that I thought it was silly that there are plces to state your race or color on these sites. It almost feel like black guys are the worst racists. I do tend to like young Latino guys, I just think they are intensely sexy. My profile does state that I prefer them. For about 5 years I’ve had a black lover and a latino lover/bf. I’m more about body type and personality, and shared interests than color. I haven’t been with a white boy for quite awhile. I’m an older white guy(55) I’ve never been with a guy over 27. I want to try older guys but it’s like I’m afraid to try it, what if he doesn’t excite me? Maybe I should see a shrink lol

  86. Dennis

    It’s all about preferences. Anyone who claims otherwise, is a damn drama queen. I can not *make myself* like someone who is not appealing to me. Nor can I make someone like me, if my body type and looks don’t appeal to them.

    It’s not about being “politically correct” which is a load of bs in and of it’s self. It’s not prejudice to say that I prefer Latinos, or Blacks or Asians. Or that I prefer short guys or tall guys, etc. It’s a PERSONAL TASTE.

    If people can’t handle reality, then they need to quit dragging their own personal drama into other peoples lives.

  87. Lee

    There are 1000’s of hook up sites, blogs, etc. Only God knows how many guys are looking. Think we are sweating the small stuff here. If you don’t like a profile or a site or a blog, just move on. Sites and blog owners can ban truly offensive postings, ones that advocate or promote violence, market drugs or contraband, scammers, etc.

  88. Bull

    I understand being attracted to one race or all the races. But the issue I have is this…to negate someone just because of their race and not even attempt to chat with them is the problem. Then you are prejudiced. And that is the main difference with preference, where you find a skin color or tone to your liking and want to be with them sexually. If you will not even talk to someone because of the color of their skin, then you have the issues and should go back into your cave. I have met a lot of wonderful men on this site but to say hello to someone and be told that I don’t talk to blacks, well, that is prejudice. And if that is the case, then go join the KKK. Oops, can’t do that because if they find out you are gay, then you are toast there too.

  89. mysteryperson

    “NO ASIANS PLEASE” or “NOT INTO ASIANS SORRY” on profile written by white, latino or black guys, forever there on profile.

  90. Felix Coniunctio

    I don’t find it at all offensive if a young guy says “no old guys”. I get it, I was 20 once too, and guys in their mid-40s did not turn me on. “No white guys,” also not offensive – that dude just wants what he wants. “No smokers”, no big deal.

    It is a little disappointing when a really hot guy whose pics you’ve been drooling over categorically rejects you, but get over it. Life is full of disappointments.

    I catch a lot of heat on a different website (one more geared toward dating than hookups) for my “4-year degree minimum” policy. I put that policy in place because I have an advanced degree, I have mastered the English language, and I enjoy deep conversations. I like to play chess and Scrabble and other games that are not fun with less-intelligent people. On that website, I am trying to engage with people who can meet me on an intellectual level.

    Certainly there are people who didn’t graduate college who could do that, and believe me there are lots of people with BS degrees who cannot. But I think that putting out that filter – albeit a faulty one – at least weeds out men to whom I simply could not be attracted. That saves everybody time to pursue guys who are a better fit for them.

    On A4A, I’m looking for a different kind of guy and a different kind of experience, but still have a set of filters to weed out guys with whom I just couldn’t connect on a sexual level. However, on this site, there are so many who do not even read the profile text, they’re practically worthless.

    I say if something is a turn-off for you, say so. If you’re looking for a specific fantasy, you have every right to put that out there too. It doesn’t matter one iota whether it is preference or prejudice because we are all allowed to be prejudicial in choosing our personal relationships.

    If it pisses people off, that’s really their problem and we should take it as a compliment that somebody wanted to get with you enough to get pissed off over being rejected.

  91. Matt

    Some gay men get offended way too easily.

    It’s perfectly OK to have a preference and not be turned on by others. I prefer white, hung, blonds and then hung Latinos. Not into black men. I’m not against black men in the least, but I’m not sexually attracted to them. That does not make me intolerant or a bigot.

    If preference made people intolerant in and of itself then all gay men are sexist and misogynistic if they aren’t giving equal time to screwing women.

  92. cougar1959

    Simply stating that you are not attracted to a race, does not mean you’re racist, anymore than saying “not interested in older, obese, fem” etc. This is first and foremost, a hookup site. I think it’s better to know up front. I’m 55, I get turned down a lot, I’m okay with that. I also like black, Latino and white guys. I’m not sexually interested in Asians. Didn’t say I didn’t want to get to know them, they just don’t turn me on. Everyone on here needs to grow a thicker skin.

  93. A Thomas

    As a black men it seem the gay white community is attracted more to the big black dick then the person. There is no images of black men unless we are huge up on a white guy in mainstream gay media such as Advocate and out magazine. Robert Mapplethorpe photos of naked black men with there heads cropped out. This send the message the black men are only seen and wanted for there bodies and dicks and not there minds. Gay porn is saturated with big dick black men fucking white men. Where are the images of black on black love. If a black man states that he is only sexually interested in other black men then we are flagged as racist. I am a black men who love other black men and then negative backlash I get is only from white men who is angry that I don;t want to fuck them with my 10 inch dick. What ever happen to freedom of personal choice. I am not sexually attracted to pale skin and I will not allow a pale skin person to make me feel there is something psychologically wrong with me for loving men of my own race. White men have for centuries excluded black men dude to there racism up bringing. I amazes me that white men can express the distaste for black men but it not OK for black to do the same with being labeled as racism. Everyone personal preference is just that personal. There are black men who are only into white men and that’s there personal preference and vice verse. I don;t have an issues with others personal preference and no one should have issues with mine even if I am not into you or you are not into me. The problem with gay men is that many think that just because you are a man that you should want to fuck me regardless of what my preference is.
    Just my opinion

  94. HunterL

    This is a hot button issue, & I posted in the last major uproar. In the end I was disappointed because so many had to ‘make’ their points at the expense of others …

    AGAIN, we should respect and look out for our brothers here and in the real world. I have my preferences, but anyone is welcome to write me here. Your preferences are your PERSONAL business, no need to share you’re a bigot with the world. In correct English grammar; you should state what you are seeking, and not what you are NOT seeking… ‘Looking for a cool gay guy’ is much better than ‘STRAIGHTS need not apply’ (LOL). I am HIV- and I plan on staying that way, but the way it is spoken of in others’ profiles offends me; (ie, Don’t write, F-off, etc.), if you are blessed enough to have avoided infection, show your gratitude to your community by respecting those LIVING their lives openly and honestly. (When I was discovering my sexuality, I was literally frightened of discovery, had anyone came close to guessing, I would have lied). Therefore, I am grateful to my Asian, Black, Latino, Middle Eastern, thick, thin, average, handsome, etc., & POSITIVE brothers who are living honestly, & who taught me to be strong in my personal struggles — I owe them (and you all) a great debt!

    Please: Be kind, answer EVERYONE’s emails, a simple ‘Thank you, I’m not interested’ beats no reply. Politeness takes so little, and goes such a long way in treating each other respectfully, the way I wished many others in the rest of the world would treat our community. People with our experiences most certainly SHOULD understand better

  95. Joe

    It is a bit of both. To be blunt, how prejudice and the way we talk to each other (by way too many) is so disgusting especially from a group that should know better saddens me to no end. Few will speak up against this and it is time we tell people to treat EVERYONE with dignity. Yes way too many gay and bi people do not treat all people with dignity.

  96. JF

    Looks like the attitude most Americans have these days that if they find something “offensive” it must be removed or dealt with has made it’s way to A4A. Where is it written that one is to go through life free of being offended? If you don’t like a profile ignore it, don’t contact the site. How ridiculous. People are allowed to post whatever they prefer in their profile. I would find it interesting however, to see the level of acceptance and tolerance toward a guy putting “Christian” in his profile.

  97. MountainDick

    My problem is this…guys looking for racist or discrimination. My standard response to anyone I do not find sexually stimulating is this “Thank you for your interest, however we are not a good match.” Most men accept my judgement, thank me & move on. It’s the ones that reply…”It’s because I’m…” That turn me off. Get a grip. I know what I’m looking for don’t be upset if I don’t have an interest. Getting vulgar doesn’t make me want you. If anything it just validated my reasoning to begin with. Now get a life.

  98. D A Mann

    To get granular, the mere fact that we ascribe to preferences makes us all prejudicial. What are preferences? The exclusion of liking certain things and or characteristics above others is being prejudicial. So we all need to check ourselves when we declare that we are not prejudice, for we all are. For lack of better terminology, there are “good” prejudices, for example, preferring/liking vanilla ice cream over strawberry. Then there are inhumane and mean spirited prejudices, for example, someone not liking me because I am black. How would one conclude that when they know nothing of ME personally?

  99. Creambuns

    If the person is a celebrity and they receive a thousand requests I can understand that they write out some of their preferences, but it is never necessary, if you rarely get a message, to act as if you receive so many that you are unable to handle them. Most members write out their preferences as if the whole world is interested in them. LOL. It is easy if it is not your taste to tell them “no thank you”. Preferences such as “only black men” “only white men” or “no white men” comes from lack of education and ignorance, lack of social skills and honestly quite abrasive. There is never a need for prejudice even though it is painted under the guise of a preference.

  100. Andres

    I, like everyone else has a type I however refuse to display that type in my profile especially in a crude manner. I am polite to everyone that message me even when I am sexually attracted to them. Of course it will not go far if the motive is sex but at least I am polite and try not to et my sexual preference dictate who I am.

  101. JC

    Just take people one at a time. Get to know each person, if only briefly, as an individual. Then decide if you want to take it further.

    If you pre-judge someone based upon their race, age, waist size, dick size, height, bank account, etc. before you even have a conversation I’ll guarantee you that you’re missing out on some fantastic friendships. Maybe more.

    We all have preferences, even prejudices. But to just disqualify someone upfront before even saying hi, or responding to a smile, hurts everyone including oneself. Why even put that in a profile?

    Because you are willing to be nice to someone who doesn’t necessarily turn you on sexually does NOT mean you need to go to bed with him. But you could conceivably find a new brunch buddy, hiking/running partner, trivia night team member, or just someone to talk to, etc. Just make sure you are honest about not being attracted so no false signals are given or received.

    Delve deeper into what makes up a total person (heart/soul/brain/history/aspirations/hobbies, and so on) and concentrate less on things that can be quantified by numerals or ethnicity. A potential win-win!

  102. Lit_Junky

    “The American ideal, then, of sexuality appears to be rooted in the American ideal of masculinity. This ideal has created cowboys and Indians, good guys and bad guys, punks and studs, tough guys and softies, butch and faggot, black and white. It is an ideal so paralytically infantile that it is virtually forbidden-as an unpatriotic act-that the American boy evolve into the complexity of manhood.”
    -James Baldwin
    Freaks and the American Ideal of Manhood
    Playboy, January 1985

    Prejudice or preference… are they not both ideals? To limit one’s possibilities in any regard is a suffocating and self destructive act no matter what you may tell yourself. No matter whom or what you have tried in the past, whether dissatisfied, or unintended, sought and/or desired was an isolated event and should not dictate and determine every choice you make for the rest of you life.

    The best part of life is the fact that we are given so many opportunities to try something new and discover hidden, yet beautiful qualities in any and everything that may be unfamiliar to us. There are some cases where experimentation is not necessary, for instance, I do not have to eat shit to know I wouldn’t enjoy it. However, humans and the human experience cannot be compared to eating shit. Everyone of us are completely different and made up of so many vast and intricate experiences that there is no telling where a potential mate or partner could come from.

    It is my opinion that limiting ones’ self on the basis of race is a racist act no matter how one tries to dress it up, i.e. prejudice, preference, taste, no offense, I’m just being honest, etc… and to be a racist, especially today, is to be a bigot, to be a bigot is to be irrational, unreasonable, immovable, and on an extreme examination, a waste of time; at last, vis-à-vis , less than human. Living up to ones full potential inevitably requires flexibility in all areas. Sex, but more importantly love should not be limited to something the other person has absolutely no control over, people should be appreciated for attributes that are more tangible, not purely physical.

  103. Chris

    I’m not offended when I see a profile that says “Black guys only” and I’m white. I think its reaching to be offended. Different races have different attributes (always exceptions of course) that different people find attractive. It’s all a personal opinion that isn’t intended to be racist at all I don’t think by most men who use that language.

  104. Ormand

    I put in my profile that if you have an racial preference stated, I will not respond. I agree that if there is someone you are not attracted to, then say thank you but not interested, I have used that line before and if they send back a nasty response I block them. What really bothers me is that one time, I saw a profile from a white guy, who listed HIV negative in his profile and no blacks, a few months later the profile had changed to HIV positive and was seeking BBC.

  105. headsupguy

    When an A4A member fills his profile comments with rejections (no blacks, no asians, no olds, no fats, no this, no that), he reveals to me that he’s closed-minded, immature, and an ass. I want nothing to do with him. Members who express their “preferences” as exclusions (whites only, in-shape, 7 inches or more, etc.) are still rejecting all other groups who don’t match their specifications. These guys are just as closed-minded and ignorant as those who reject certain groups outright. Note: embedding the phrase, “no offense, just my preference,” does not make you any less a bigot.

    When I come across a profile that is filled with exclusions based on personal, physical traits of others, I am immediately tipped off that the profile’s owner is not very bright or interesting; someone I would not like to be around. You only become intelligent and fascinating when you open your mind to experiences and people that you haven’t encountered before.

    It’s not that difficult to draw the distinction between prejudice and preference. Prejudice is the rejection of groups based on personal traits that cannot be changed, such as ethnicity, race, sexual orientation or genitalia size. Preference is the affinity for people with characteristics that can be acquired or changed, such as hobbies, interests or dispositions.

  106. Redd

    If political correctness or what society deems acceptable could give us erections, we’d all be straight, married with kids and living in the burbs. The cold truth is the dick wants what it wants. You can’t scold someone into the sack, even if those desires hurt your feelings.

  107. James

    I think it’s mostly about preference. I have friends of many colors, and have friends that are partnered outside of their race. I do not have a problem with people of other races, but as far as being attracted to them there are some that do nothing for me sexually. I don’t state this in my profile, but some times I think I should, because when some one that contacts me that I am not attracted to, and I tell them so, they say stuff like you didn’t state that in your profile!
    Funny how it seems many of you go on and on about prejudice when it comes to Black, White, Asian, or Latino, but as some have stated when it comes to age it’s perfectly OK! I’ve read profiles that say no one over 40, 25 to 35 only, and under 50 only, but that’s ok it’s just preference! If no Blacks, or No Asians is prejudice the other would be age prejudice! I am 50 + and like men my age or close, but a lot of profiles on here by men my own age say no one over 40! While that is your preference, it seems to me that you are ruling out men your own age or close, yet you want some one younger to want you! That said, I do get responses from younger men, but I am not interested in men a lot younger than myself, I try and politely let them know this. Many of these younger guys get really upset when I tell them that they are too young for my tastes! No matter what issue that comes up some one is going to be upset over something. There really isn’t any way to please every one.

  108. mexo

    i need to send post about same topic ,seriously like Prejudice is so much in the gay the muscular guy who wouldnt talk to twink etc

  109. latinlust69

    For me it’s all a preference. I have friends/coworkers/buds of all races,genders,religions, political associations, and hairiness types. I sure do not get naked with them all. Or hard. We either crave what we always see around us, or that which we don’t. My ex would basically get it on with any willing guy. Me, I have prefs. I love guys who can have a tan line. Gingers,blonds,mideasters…latinos are hot too!used to have an Asian fb until he dyed his hair blond. If a guy is generally in those groups (online) yeah I want to try to get it on. Age too is one of those prefs. In person my prefs do depend on the interaction. Don’t call me bigot or ageist till you meet me.. If we find each other hot, then perhaps we will get it hot.

  110. dan

    As long as the preference is stated online there is nothing wrong with that. Online it’s ok and expected to give a description as to what you are and not attracted to on your profile, instant messages, or e-mail. This includes ,race, height ,religion, weight, etc. It’s the best way to know who’s profile to pass up. We’re all entitled to our preferences and NO ONE has the right to dictate otherwise.
    If you were in a bar, club or other public venue , it would be less rude to give a different reason as to why you are not interested in that person. Even then, we are all adults and need to learn to deal with rejection. If you can’t deal with rejection, that’s your problem and maybe therapy would help.
    Enjoy your preferences and do not allow anyone tell you you’re racist or prejudiced. You are a human and you are enjoying what you know you like. Don’t change that for anyone.

  111. Dickinchief

    As a young black guy that was mostly into white men I had a strong reaction to white men that had a preference for whites only. As I approach 40, my own preferences have changed as has my response to racial preferences that represent negrophobia. I now find myself attracted to the entire rainbow, but I have a strong preference for nice bodies, and big dicks for both my tops and bottoms, and I prefer an intelligence that allows for a great conversation, no matter how brief. As for those white men that only prefer their own, I view them as unworldly and under developed. Their awkwardness with those that do not look like them, is good for me, because they self select out and I don’t have to deal with their stupidity.

  112. Jay

    I’m finally at an age where I accept, embrace, and flaunt all of my ethnicity (black). Why waste your time wondering why someone doesn’t like your color or whatever because there are many other men you aren’t aware of that are waiting to cross paths with you. You are not the one for the guy that says he doesn’t like black, white, fat, or fem, so move on and find the one that does! Don’t waste time!

  113. Med4Large

    Stating a preference on your profile seems to be a four-letter word by those who are rejected when their advances are not reciprocated, HATE, not the other four-letter word some of us are more accustomed to hearing, LOVE. Or the other four-letter word…uh hum…”If you see Kay tell her hi.”
    Prejudice in Wikipedia can also refer to unfounded beliefs and may include “any unreasonable attitude that is unusually resistant to rational influence” and having an unreasonable attitude toward the lack of response is being prejudice, in itself. Don’t hate on me because I am not attracted to you or so “no” to anything but a friendly chat. THAT is being unreasonable.
    I like my coffee full strength, with chicory and sugar free creamer. Does this make me prejudice to those who drink their coffee a different way, or drink tea, instead? I dare say not. THAT is being unreasonable.
    Being prejudice is something entirely different, because, being prejudice is actually alienating somebody or something for holding a different belief system than you do, and making them feel bad about it. Prejudice is paying different prices at establishments, not being allowed equal access, and not being treated the same as everybody else. (When the rules always seem to change and the same law does not apply to you)
    It all seems to be a matter of self-control and self-respect, really. Naturally, if you are approached by another likeminded individual, approached by somebody you are actually attracted to versus somebody you are not, you will also be more receptive.
    I can promise you if the same situation were reversed, in this specific case, having a personal preference would apply across the board and there would be none of this talk about being prejudice.

  114. Brandon

    If you are hot you are hot. I do not care what color you are. I will say that I once looked for a hot black guy at the club because I just wanted to be with a black guy. I hooked up with a couple. Other than the skin color the sex was the same. Does not matter to me.

  115. Jace

    The most judgemental people in the world are often those berating you for being judgemental. Irony.

    Some of you need to get off your high horses.

  116. bigbottomdad

    My screen name and my pics say it all. I read the profiles look at the pics and message the ones that im turned on by. I also message the ones that say they are just looking for conversation. I do not however message any of the ones that state no fats or nobody over a certain age.I realize Im at the bottom of not only gay society but society in general. Believe me gays do not have a monopoly on cruelty or bad manners. What I do find truly disheartening are the profiles that I have responded to that say nothing about preferring not to hook up with fats or that say they are just seeking conversation that respond with “Get lost fatass”. Intelligent conversation has nothing to do with body or ass size.

  117. italiannyc

    I am looking for dick on sex sites. If the dick listed is small I am going to keep looking and I am not looking at the color . Prejudice or preference ?

  118. dietrick


  119. Devin

    I’m glad this topic is finally getting a lot more attention because there is in fact, a lot of hate, and racism on this site. And what’s really crazy is the fact that most of the guys that say things like “NO BLACKS, WHITE AND LATIN ONLY, NO FEMS, NO CHUBS, etc…” always hide behind the “it’s just a preference” line. And in reality, that’s bullshit.

    A PREFERENCE is “i like vanilla ice cream, but i prefer chocolate.” That means if there’s no chocolate ice cream around, but vanilla’s there, you’ll take it (and enjoy it) because hey, you just wanted some ice cream. sure, it’s not your all time favorite, but you can still make do with what you have. Prejudice on the other hand is “i like chocolate ice cream and that’s all i will ever have and if i ever eat vanilla ice cream i will be sick to my stomach because anything that white and creamy is just disgusting.” And that’s how most guys are with their “no this or that” on their profiles. it’s one thing to be like, “i prefer to have sex with white guys” and another thing to say in big, all capital letters; “NO BLACKS, NO MEXICANS, NO ASIANS.” if that was written on a sign above the door of a resturaunt, I’m sure no one (except a fellow racist person) would have the audacity to say “oh that’s just their preference.” because they know that excuse would be nothing but bullshit.

    completely shutting out an ENTIRE race or age group, just because you haven’t YET been attracted to someone that’s [insert non-preferred race here] is downright stupid. you would be knowingly and willingly excluding yourself from at least HALF the male population, the man of your dreams or the best sex of your life all because of shallow, petty bullshit. If you want to keep wishing for that hot “straight boy” in the gay 4 pay pornos, go right ahead, but all it takes is something so simple as saying, “thanks, but no thanks.” It is so much better and so much less offensive than labeling yourself as a racist, ageist, homophobic asshole on the search for “straight dick.” if you take down your “no blacks” and your “no fems” and your “no chubs” sign that’s blatantly plastered on your resturaunt (if we continue with the analogy), flocks of black, fat and ultra-feminine gays aren’t gonna come rushing towards your store, desperate for some food. you’ll just have to actually get off your lazy ass and politely say that you’re simply not intrested. it’s not that hard to NOT want to come off like a major douchebag before you even open your mouth. if it’s really that big an issue (guys you don’t like coming at you) don’t be an ass, just wait for someone to speak to you and then they can realize just how douchey you really are.

  120. John

    I think taste and sexual attraction are very personal, complex, and individual phenomena. i make no apologies for the fact that I have sexual tastes in men that include race, size, age, etc. and I find it insulting that someone would brand me a racist or bigot for that, because frankly I disagree. I didn’t choose the taste i have, and to whatever extent it excludes people I think that’s my problem. Perhaps I’M the one who is missing out… But why should anyone take it personally when they are rejected in the hypothetical. That is is THEIR problem… Lord knows I am rejected all the time. UNLESS preferences are indicated in a callus and offensive manner,… I’m “older,” and I find it offensive someone to write, “If you are old enough to be my father, I’m not interested. I have a dad.” It’s not necessary. Why not just say “25 – 35 preferred,” or something like that. Message received loud and clear. Common courtesy and respect is ALWAYS the way to go.

  121. Matt

    I think it’s amazing that the same guys who slap an “I Was Born This Way” bumper sticker on their car, with regard to being gay, will decry me as a racist for not having ever found myself sexually attracted to black men. I have nothing against black men any more than I have anything against women–I am just not attracted to either, sexually. If I’m racist for only being attracted to whites and Latinos, am I sexist for not being attracted to women? We don’t have any control over what sex, race, body type, etc. our brains tell us is sexually attractive. If I didn’t like black people, or I didn’t like Asians, or whatever, that would be racist. But the fact that I only find certain races of people attractive is no different than only finding the male sex attractive.

  122. Raleigh Leather

    We would have to allow females on this site if we say “no discrimination”. It is the feeling of hate we are trying to avoid. To me it is a bit like saying “I like cake, but I don’t like pie.”

  123. Sparky

    I’m a white male. I don’t think it’s wrong to put down what you are and are not attracted to. When it comes to Race, it would depend on why you are not attracted to said race. If you are not attracted to a black man because you think they are less than, it is racist, but unless you write something to that effect in your profile or as someone stated earlier “No BLACKS” “NO WHITE” in caps, then I think it’s ok to state what you like or don’t like. I like a variety of men from every race. What I’m not attracted to is really fem guys or sloppy fat guys. They just don’t get my ingine running, lol. I don’t mind a stocky guy with some gut, but if you haven’t seen your dick in years then I probably don’t want to see it either. I love my drag queens. Love watching them perform, love dancing with them, but sorry panty hose, makeup and dresses takes the air right out of my tires. You’re on this site for hookups and I’m one for not waisting time, so I don’t think it’s wrong to write down your preferences in your profile. Now that has been said, what I do find offensive is when guys write I’m clean, ub2. refurring to HIV- Using the word clean is emplying that HIV+ is dirty. I read a profile the other day that the guy wrote, if you’r old, fat or infected with HIV then keep going. I want to tell these guys 1. you’re probably more at risk doing a guy who hasn’t been tested in years who may have it than doing someone who is Poz, on meds and undetecable. 2. it only takes one broken condom and you can be on the other side of your nasty statment. 3.when you write that you’re clean, did you test neg 6 months ago and have had no sex since your test? then you don’t know if you’re clean or not, do you? I don’t have a problem with someone who doesn’t want to knowingly have sex with a POZ person, Just don’t be an ass about it. Karma can be a real bitch

  124. Wayne

    I don’t care what your races is, I only like smooth fems and transgenders. I get hit on a lot here but I shut it down quick when I stay my choice. NSA tops or any drug use including poppers. The only time the race thing even draws my attention when I see another black expressing hatred towards his own race. I prefer a nice ACP(Ass Covering a PUSSY) for those who can understand and if you don’t like my preference who cares. Keep it moving… all you deep voice and hairy wanna be fems that’s not cute.

  125. Mike

    I think on here stating a preference (race, cock size, position) is like stating “Men only, no women.”
    Although I appreciate women and am not prejudiced against them, I still don’t want to sleep with them.

  126. Larry

    I often tell people on and off line in sexual and non sexual situation this: predjudice and preference are not mutually exclusive. I can prefer black or dark-skinned Latino men because I actually am attracted to dark skin, but if I prefer the same because I believe all white men are shallow, oversexed gym obsessed, size (dick) obsessed, perverts, than that is prejudice.

    If I only want older white men because I like grey hair and was attracted to my college professor that is a preference. If it is because I believe I can get money from them because I believe all gay older white are desperate and will give me money, again prejudice. I just don’t think it is so hard to tell the difference, but it is inaccurate to equate preference with predjudice.

    Having said that I have been on Adam for years and met no one yet, so I am cool with any race or age or size for friendship as far as sex, intimacy and relationships I would be lying to say I don’t have preferences.

  127. Jas423

    I am in a city where this runs RAMPANT, and I do find it offensive to read “no whites” or “not into white guys” henceforth I have to imagine it’s offensive across the board. I have had sex with probably every race going. If you get hit up by someone you’re not interested in what is the harm in saying “hey thanks for the interest, but we’re not a match.” I am mind blown by how rarely anyone can just politely decline. Be adults, the whole point of thinking men are hot goes beyond just male physiques and penises. Most of us prefer men who act like men, preferably men who are polite, respectful, direct and tactful.

  128. arleen

    I am a firm believer that when making a date on line and you do not ask a persons race you are accepting whatever race shows up It all good regardless of color Enjoy it to its fullest

  129. Cool dude

    I think it is crazy to say that you only like a certain cause there is someone who is hot in each race. For me it’s physical I only like athletic/slim guys cause weight is changeable, but a person can’t change their ethnicity or height so I don’t care about the unchangeable.

  130. Vablktop

    I’m a black top and do have in my profile, no white guys and I’ve been called prejudice. What they fail to realize is I come from bi racial parents, yes both my parents are bi racial but I prefer blk men. When I moved back to Va I stayed with a close friend and his boyfriend, btw they both are white. I have nothing against white guys, I just like what I like, don’t judge me.

  131. Delovly83

    Im just gonna jump right in… I belief guys are entitled to choose who to contact or be contacted by other men they believe is the right fit for their sexual needs. Yes, we deal with on whats on the surface but we all must admit that’s where it starts. Now, going beyond what’s on the surface is where some guys will find most difficult. Unless the guy(s) states what he looking for in which case I think its a indication or a first impression of who that is without the stress of endless emails. Essentially, many guys who display this (no fats, no fems, blacks or whites men only) doing the general population of guys on this site a favor. This is a hook-up site and one must understand this will the uphill climb if he chooses another route to find a guy. We all have the choice to use this site that fits our needs. Whether its to find sex (its intended purpose) or to find love, friendships or misc.) No one should discriminated on their choice on how to use this site. Whether it’s labeled prejudice or preference, it’s not the other guys problem if he turns you down. I believe the sexiest way to handle it is to say thanks but no thanks and move on. There are choices available (friendships, 1on1, group sex, relationship, misc. fetishes) It’s a guys choice to add specifics on what he likes in (500 characters) Guys must take heed and come to terms with ones preferences, if a guy says a guy is prejudice like I said, its not the other guys problem. That guy you wanted has done you a favor, man up and move on. Be smart about your search fellas. Happy Hunting!

  132. purplenurple

    It’s an interesting and never finished topic of discussion. I’m a Latin man, who articulates well so I “sound white” (which really means ppl equate intellect the sound of a race… completely stupid), and I “look black” (no need to explain that one lol). To have a preference means u PREFER a specific something no matter how it compares to others. When u blatantly state no of something is to be prejudice. Once u add types of context and reason in, u get racism. I feel, and my opinion reflects me, that as a community that has been discriminated against for a number of reasons, which some of us proudly accept, we in turn use the same type of discrimination against ourselves. It creates a sense of “better than thou” thinking. And at the end of the day we want to be different/unique only to find out we all do the same to eachother. If u prefer a race or “color” that’s fine, as long as u dont use the words as a weapon.

  133. Duke

    Personally, I find all these hang-ups on race, size (both of penis AND body), ethnicity, etc., a bit too much ado about things that don’t really matter all that much.

    Given that I am an old fart who has been around a while, I have found some men who were Adonisises to look at who were real jerks and ugly little gargoyles who were very nice guys. I have seen muscular he-men with small dicks and dimunitive guys with huge ones. Sometimes fat guys are just sloppy fat guys, but sometimes they are just what you need. All ethnicities also have their variations. Not ALL black guys have huge dicks, you know.

    So don’t get too hung up on looks, guys. Some day you, too, will be old and wrinkled and physically unattractive to those who judge by appearance alone.

  134. Chimera

    My (relatively common) favourite conversation with the truly prejudiced:
    them: fuckin hot dude. would love to ________
    me: that sounds pretty hot
    them: what background r u
    me: mixed european, asian, native american

    if you can’t tell their ethnicity from clear photos you found attractive, and become disinterested upon learning someone’s heritage… chances are your racist and not incredibly bright.

  135. Shakerrump

    Interesting subject. I love reading everyones opinion. I am a black man from the south Shakerrump is my name on A4A for the most part i think its preference but some if it has to do with prejudices. For me personally i just like a goodlooking man period. Im a big heavyset man and i tend to be more attracted to men smaller than myself, im bi Dl so dl/married men are the ones who mainly get my attention. I usually like men 25are and up im 33.ive seen the profiles of White, Latino Black only and i zoom quickly away from those as they make me feel uncimfortable. Ive alzo seen No fat men which is cool alsi. Why would i want to be intimate with someine Not interested in me. What pissed me off one time was this latino guy had in his profile only into white and latino and that he likes generous men. I looked at his profile and he messages me brotha csn u helo me out with some money ill fuck you good. First off i dont pay for dick and if i did it would be because i offered and 2ndthe ur profile said no blacks last i checked im black but im not stupid you better go ask the whites and latinos for money. Then he was blocked.

  136. JD

    It really isn’t that difficult to the difference between prejudice and preference. When a profile says things like “whites only”, “not into white guys”, “blacks only” etc then that is blatant prejudice. Those kinds of statements imply that there aren’t any members of the excluded races that are attractive or worth the time which I find impossible to be true.

    We all have physical preferences that attract our attention first, for me it’s white muscle bears. That said, I’ve also found skinny black guys and fat Asian guys attractive. A preference is what you respond with when asked what kind of guys are you most attracted to, but rejecting an entire race from the beginning is prejudice.

  137. Harvey

    I prefer white ,older, taller,hairy,uncut. As It says I PREFER. I do not want to see your ass,dick or cum , I do not want a plank photo profile to contact me , please put a face photo as a profile picture ,, have a little self respect guys ,,I do not want to play with your partner and you as I say these are preferences ,,so guess i’ll stay single because to many days base their looks on their ass or cock

  138. Michael

    I hate when they say no blacks, that offends me. There are more politically correct and less offensive ways of saying this….. i think there are preferences and there are prejudices. You just have to pay attention to the wording. But then again whichever it is doesn’t really matter as the guy isn’t into you anyway.

  139. AJ

    All of us have preferences.
    What really is at issue is the fantasies we secretly have and trying to live them out in our daily lives. Some of us have the geisha boy fantasy we foist on Asian males. The hot Latin lover and the Mandingo African fantasy. For some, these fantasies are limited to the bedroom while others use them 24/7 in their interaction with people and that is where the danger lies. No one wants to be boxed and labeled into limited definitions. As human beings we have the capacity to grow until we die. Unfortunately, these fantasies warp the person perpetuating it and those on the receiving end. Many black men begin to strut around with the Mandingo mentality which has led to personal disaster in their lives. These type of men usually can’t form one on one relationships on a deep level and results in low self esteem, empty sex and lonely lives.
    For those who worship these fantasies, they too suffer the consequences of limited and narrow contact with people different from them. They show zero effort to learn from the other outside of superficial efforts such as some music and recycled TV shows to make themselves appear “down” in order to get the dick or ass.
    We are all adults and as such we have the power to either play the game or walk away.

  140. Robert

    I think people just need to stop being such thin skinned. Like damn, you’re not someone’s choice well it’s not the end of the world. You’re a grown man and shouldn’t wine just because you don’t fit into the category someone is searching for. I’m a 20 year old black guy myself and I don’t mess around with other black people. Do I get called prejudice/racist? Yes pretty often but do I care? Not one damn bit. Guys just need to learn not to take it so personal whenever they don’t fall into someone’s likes. I’ve ran into attractive guys where I’m not their type I don’t let it bother me. I take it as is and move on. And although you can call me immature or whatever the hell you want because I have restrictions well I’m going to do what makes me happy and not settle for less. 😉 later guys

  141. vin man

    It’s getting that you aren’t allowed to voice your own opinion without someone being offended.
    That’s what is destroying our Christmas holiday.. You have people offended so now we can’t say Merry Christmas on TV and advertisements.. What the hell is going on these days?
    If I don’t want a certain race or origin to contact me that is my choice!
    If someone is offended by that, too bad. I am offended that you’re making a stink over my not liking you!

  142. Aaron

    I think it’s pretty easy. I have preferences in what I want to fuck, but I leave an open mind that there are some races that might attract me if I found the right person with the right chemistry. Mostly [such and such ethnicity] just hasn’t produced that yet for me so I haven’t indulged. That isn’t racism it’s just like shopping. I know that at some point I might find something on that aisle but I haven’t found it yet so I keep shopping on the aisles that I do find things I like.

    If an Asian guy or a black guy or a Filipino guy says “hello” or a fat guy or old guy or twink or whatever, I’m going to respond with a hello because my profile is pretty specific that I like to chat and make new friends. If they take it to the cock place…I can deal with that when it happens and I don’t need to be rude that “ewww you’re Asian! Ewwww BLOCK!” or some 18 year old response to a proposition. I just tell them it’s not really what I’m looking for or I don’t think I’m interested in that thing with that person.

    Do people get offended? Sure. No one likes rejections and some people can’t handle it very well, but it’s more about communication and delivery than it is about actually being racist. There are a lot of racist bitches in the gay world who sugar coat it with “just my preference” but for some guys…that particular aisle hasn’t given them anything they like yet so they keep shopping in the aisle they’re familiar with.

    Accept that you’re not everybody’s type and this has no reflection on whether you’re a nice person or someone worth getting to know. Sometimes you’re just not someone’s type and that’s okay.

  143. suthnindicahype

    Its just simple. We are all human and like what we like. Most Dont know the difference between the 2 so here it is.. Most profiles have “Friendship” selected as well.. Prejudice comes in when u Dont even consider a race, age or mannerism. Yes, they not not be what u Prefer to hookup with but once u cut a certain group out, thats being prejudice.. Being a Mixed race, southern baptist PK, thats very diverse, I’ve seen it numerous of times & it seems to be getting worse.. 99% of Gays r jaded BC they won’t open themselves up to other ppl/cultures..

  144. BxPat

    My feeling if you state what you are looking for like ” into Latinos, “looking for an older white dude” or “love black men with big dicks” is not prejudice.
    When you say “no whites, “no black” “no jews” or “no latinos” to me this is prejudice. Say what you are looking for and into…..not what you are not looking for

  145. what?

    So if you took two men one white, one black same body type, both have similar bone structure, same age, same dick size, and you can’t get hard or turned on to one of them because of the color of their skin, how is that not prejudice or racist?

  146. what?

    Its like saying you prefer blonde with blue eyes, but would you not give a person with red hair and green eyes a chance if there very attractive? To exclude a whole group of people on what you perceive them to look like is very ignorant and bigoted. Its pretty much saying NO BLACKS, Because all black look the same, or vice versa for white people. Everyone is different and it says something about a person who discriminates based on skin color, it also says something about people who try to defend it as preference. And you might be missing out on the person who would have made you happiest in life because you were so small minded in your thinking that you refuse to even give a great deal of people a chance.

  147. omahanice

    People have issues. Period. The same people when you read there shallow assed profiles are the same ones complaining that they can not find some one. I am also offended that when you see black guys in porn, you always see big dicked thug in the title or something demeaning. It’s always easy to say preferences in lieu of your racist views. And how about some of our white brethren stop saying you want to be “black raped”. That shit is so fucking tacky and shows you don’t value the man at all!

  148. Leon of Medellin

    Preference for race is just that..a preference. This helps filters all the ones you would turn down in a email. Just because a white guy doesn’t want to experiment with another race doesn’t make him a racist. Saying things like No ‘N’ or No “Spics” or No “honkys” is racial and offensive and in some instances against user agreement. I do not think stating your preference whether it be dick size or race is offensive. It’s how tactful and respectful you are in your text.

  149. mazinga-z

    I have my specific preference for the type of guys
    I like and all I ask is for a little respect for my preference.

    I’ve tried being nice about it the first time I joined
    A4A and stated my preference pretty clear in plain English…

    After several weeks I’ve had guys responding to my
    profile who were Not my type, and Not of preference,
    and in some cases a few of them were familiar
    Craigslist Rejects who were trying to hustle sex
    for money, booze, drugs, and a free place to stay!
    I once had a guy here on A4A offer me a blowjob
    if I would take him to the mall and buy him an
    Xbox game! …W T F?!?!

    Many of the respondents had also become pushy after
    I’ve kindly said “No Thanks, Not interested” the first time, yet they continued messaging me no matter how
    often I deleted their messages from my inbox.

    And then they’ve gone even further as to try rubbing
    a “guilt trip” or some “fatal crush” on me.
    So then I’m like “WTF?! Dude doesn’t understand plain English? What part of “Not Interested” does he NOT understand?!”…

    A few days later I had updated my profile, this time
    being a bit more stern. More like, Aggravated.
    I really should Not have to be that way.
    Again, some of the same pushy guys responded to my
    profile, and now I’m blocking them and anyone else
    who tries to push their luck with me.

    Seriously, folks, I should Not have to resort to such drastic measures; but at this point, I’m standing my
    ground. After all that hassle, I now Naturally Do Not
    Give A F— what anyone thinks of my profile.
    “Not Interested” means NO, Period.

    I’m not Nature’s gift to men everywhere; and I would
    NEVER chase after guys here nor push myself on them.
    If I see a guy I like I just say Hi and politely ask
    him if he’d like for me to unlock my photos,
    and I message him with that greeting only Once.
    If he’s not interested or doesn’t respond back I
    simply move on. No hurries, No worries.

    There are thousands of hot men here at A4A.
    Life is short, but I’m in no hurry to get laid “ASAP”.
    Yeah, sure, a Cock is a Cock and an Ass is an Ass…
    But if I’m just gonna pretend to “Like” ANY ol’
    cock and ass, I’m wasting my time and his.

    I’m just an average joe who prefers the type of guys
    who turn me on sexually and emotionally, Nothing Less.
    We’re all grown ups here, or I’d like to believe at
    least Most of us are… if a guy here on A4A cannot
    take “Not Interested” for an answer, then he really shouldn’t be here.

  150. Caesar

    Most everyone online is looking for something that does not exist. There’s too much high expectations and a lot of rejections because gay men want what they can not have or compare themselves to. Everyone is prejudice at some level or another. Gay men are even prejudice against each other. Masculine versus feminine for example. There’s a small sliver on here that are real and are willing to accept people as they are. But the majority are looking for their gay god and end up becoming bitter because they don’t find it hahaha (told you so) and or turned down by men they find hot but those men don’t feel mutual. Gay men need to go back to the basics and when they write their profile do so while looking in the mirror. (man in the mirror)

  151. sjohnson

    to all you ‘men’ that claim preference is racism because the ‘other’ turns you down…GET OVER IT!! just shows how ignorant your fairies are. nuff said…NEXT

  152. Barry

    I’m sorry but your preferences are inherently prejudiced if someone’s race, age, weight, height etc. factor into your decision. True we all have standards and are somewhat prejudiced, but it’s a spectrum not black and white. Whether hard-wired or developed over time, you can’t say “I’m not sexually attracted to men of and it not be somewhat prejudiced. You can’t have your cake and eat it too.

  153. Josh

    I think this question is very flawed and the poster/blogger is only trying to race-bait – desperately. By definition, prejudice is “a preconceived notion that is not based on reason or actual experience”. Most posters here do not take the definition of this word into consideration while answering. I can certainly believe that the majority of men, who are gay, experience sexual relations with a variety of men, which include variety of race. As always, there will be few exceptions. As we grow and seek sexual gratification, we understand there are certain things that help us feel comfortable and uninhibited. Race could be a factor in our innate feelings. To state that a man is prejudice because of preference is ignorant. However, we are dealing with the article of some blogger who isn’t likely thinking of a picture any bigger than his small-minded opinion.

  154. Eric

    How about stating what we ARE into instead of what we AREN’T. If a person’s intention is to communicate preference then it would follow that they state what they prefer, as in what they are into. Conversely, there is an inherent negativity to stating what one is not into. It seems that the problems with this could be avoided, though sometimes it may take a few more words. I am not offended by lack of inclusion in a guys preferences, I am however offended by explicit exclusion.

  155. hotnerd

    I live in the south so everything done here is racist and the gays here definitely are living in the 1940’s and this coming from a guy that love all races of people and have dated many different races of ppl


    Of course people have preferences of some over others.

    Its not what you say, but how you say it. If you say Asians+++, or Afro American+++, or Latinos+++, or Caucasians+++, Cut+++, Uncut+++ I think its perfectly cool. Just my take on it. (grin)

    Some folks leave their preferences tacit. That may result in a lot of hits that would not be a match. Gee life is difficult.

  157. bandbuckeye

    I wish people would stop making a racial issue here. Plain and simple, if a guy can’t get an erection with a certain race of people….it is preference.

  158. Rex Ganymede, the 4th

    life would be much simpler, if all the people who had overt, unreasonable, disgusting prejudices were as ugly on the outside, as they are on the inside


    it’s bad enough those individuals are too chicken-shit to admit their pusillanimity, nor to come out and admit their bias and bigotry … but they also have to justify their falsehoods and obfuscations, as well

    i’m not even talking about “racism,” here.
    i reference simple Prejudice.
    pre-judging. concluding that an individual is something, based off of the most-minimum of details

    what’s so hard about admitting that you’re prejudiced?

    I’M prejudiced, regarding who i desire having sex with.
    my prejudices does not encompass automatic, unequivocal rejection of one ethnicity of people, though; for that matter, i don’t have an especial preference for one entire ethnicity, over another, either.
    as an example: i do prefer muscular over grossly-obese; and i tend to exercise a prejudice against any fellow who, to me, seems he might have a physique (with their typical, associated “attributes”) that would kill my erection.
    i definitely discriminate (as in, preclude) individuals with all their bones sticking out, or those with brazen thigh rash (inner thighs that look like they’ve not been scrubbed properly in years)

    at this point, i don’t think we care if you are prejudiced against an entire race because you think they all have one shared trait that deters you; just, be able to explain why you think the way you think

  159. tom

    Well Joey, as an older guy i sumtimes would get upset if i messaged a guy n he said i was to old……but…….after a little while i would just message them with a thank you n tell them to wait cause sumday they would b older n then they would find out the hurt i felt when tokd i m too old to be fuckin around…….i figure my cock gets up n shoots cum still n i know i m ok……….as long as all that happens im sure i can n will meet guys whe want to fuck around………….have had a lot of sex n who knows i might show a gy a few tricks…….lol

  160. TerronB

    I believe folkz can like what they like, and be honest about what they like. I also LOVE seeing profiles that say they are not into black men yet they are hitting me up…Automatic no People should stop being offended and realize that sometimes your it, and sometimes your not…How you handle it is on you…BE THE BIGGER PERSON

  161. Chevalier

    So many comments…I’ve decided to leave mine. The internet is a wonderfully easy way to connect with the like-minded (that is, other guys who like sex with guys) which didn’t exist for much of one’s life, let alone for much of all history. Just as in real life, there are intelligent, perceptive, handsome, sexy, attractive, personable people; there are also boorish, creepy, ugly, loud-mouthed, unsophisticated, etc., people. Not all of either theses positive or negative traits are necessarily obvious at first impression when meeting someone in real life nor are they online either.

    Whatever one puts in the profile says something about the writer’s personality, so if what one posts is not consonant with one’s true character, then one should be careful not to post something which will cause someone to infer something that one has no intention to imply.

    Chatting a bit with a person can let one tell pretty quickly decide whether the person has much on the ball. It is an easy way to separate the wheat from the chaff, as they are required to generate spontaneous repartee.

    Speaking personally, I know that my profile is annoying and objectionable to many people on here — the “no pics, no chat, no sex” set who clearly trumpet that in their profiles. Now, I have had no qualms about my looks from the time I turned in my mind from a frog into a prince when I was 17 when I got contacts. I have come to realize more and more as years have passed that I also lucked out very well in life’s looks lottery, as the compliments have remained pretty much steady for decades, plus I definitely don’t look my age. For this very reason, I do not post a picture of me, because if someone won’t engage with me based on my looks alone, I’m probably not going to be interested much in that person. In real life I’ve discovered that people who are hung up on looks usually have been deficient in the personality bit and often are quite self-centered in addition. So, I use the pictureless profile as a rough screening device forcing the other person to read between the lines, the WRITTEN lines, if they want to hook up with me. If in an appropriate manner I am asked for a pic, I will cheerfully email one, especially if they already have pics in their profile. However. I’ve met with people who also have pictureless profiles as well, because I’ve determined they are going to be an interesting hookup. Otherwise, my profile is an accurate and limited factual statement. One can determine from it I am not short or fat, my general educational level and general occupational category, and from my age that I must be decent-looking at least, as otherwise it would be pretty much pointless for me to even be on this site. As I well know what I am, if someone doesn’t choose to meet with me, I know it is their loss, so I really wouldn’t want to waste my time with such a person, even if they otherwise may even be great guys.

    The TL:DR version of this is that I think A4A is a great social site largely paralleling real life. One has to work at real life; one has to work at meeting the “good” dudes on here, but the profiles give great clues by both what they include as well as what is left out.

  162. simon

    People are quick to say racist. What happen to preference??? You can’t help top like what you like, I feel some people need to use their words carefully. Saying no blacks, no whites can sound racist. I feel people should put down words like only into black men, only into white men, That sounds better. Now I do think you can be racist if I try to be friends with you and you don’t want to be my friend cause I’m black.

  163. chubbear69

    IMHO the only one who knows if the desire is ones preference or if one is truly prejudice is the author. If I say I’m looking for white chubby bears because that is what I’m attracted to then that’s my preference. If I say no whites because I think all white men smell bad,their cum taste bad and they all have tiny dicks and don’t know how to use what they have that would be a prejudice. We all have sexual preferences that’s why a majority of us are here.

  164. Anotherone

    For example, “Not into FATS, FEMS, BLACKS OR ASIANS”.

    How about like this, “Not into someone with NO JOBS, NO SCHOOL EDUCATION, HEALTH PROBLEMS, DIABETIC, NO LEGS OR ARMS, EYE PROBLEMS, TEETH CROOKED OR UNEVEN TEETH, THAT AND THIS”. This could be YOU too. Imagine how someone’s feeling when see like this?.

    • bjjj

      I know most guys are looking for that perfect looking young twink with a big dick that can shoot a big load in perfect health. But people are not perfect, and actually no body is perfect. You could be like me, somewhat over weight, older, smaller cock, wears glasses, balding, several health problem and surgery scar, ugly legs, feet, etc. Also to let you know I am white, and although you say your not into blacks, my best friend, lover, sex partner, is a super nice, honest, older black man. And you know what, he’s not perfect either. But you couldn’t ask for a nicer, more honest loving man. He also has some health problems. He not a super good looking twink, but I sure think he is. We travel and go places, go shopping, love movies, concerts, sports, eating out, and basically sharing everything about each other, including our families. We help each other, and we both have our ups and downs. Neither of us are rich, (actually quite poor as far as that goes), but if one of us needs some extra $$, we help each other out, and neither of us expect repayment. Sex is something we share when were in the mood, not just something that is expected. I’d rather be with my wonderful black lover anytime over some perfect flawless white twink with a big cock any day. Oh yes, age is just a number, looks is just who you are, and skin color is just a shade. Actually our looks, age, race, means nothing when your in love with each other. It’s all about companionship.

  165. MDBlkVers

    The truth is everyone knows what they like and dislike. The problem for some if they are not what you like then you are prejudice. You can try be nice and saying they are not what you want but 99% of the time that only make them try to convince you to change your mind. People on here only look at pictures and say you are what they want, but could care less if they are what you want

  166. How about?!?!?....

    “NO UNCUT COCKS PLEASE” because it smells like dirty rotten cheese. Hmm!….

    And dirty body odor like sweaty private part in between….

    They don’t clean shower well….

  167. Rob

    Preference implies that while you are particularly fond of a specific criteria, you aren’t opposed to something else that catches your attention. To say something as ridiculous as ‘(insert ethnic group) guys only’ or any other permutation thereof, is indeed a prejudice. People of every ethnic group are so incredibly diverse. You like guys with square jaws, almond shaped eyes, and narrow noses? You’ll find that in every ethnicity and skin pigmentation. But to deny someone who fits those criteria on basis of race is prejudice. However, a dislike for a specific skin tone is a preference. There is indeed a difference between ‘I like/dislike blondes,’ and ‘I like/dislike blacks/Asians, etc.’
    This is the simplest way I can conceive of stating it. Yes, the way it’s stated most often in profiles is decidedly racist, but it’s not something I expect will ever go away, and frankly, I have no interest in trying to change the minds of the ignorant. I just simply exclude the particular individuals who make mention of race, and the ethnic group I find most often does so. I won’t lie, in my mind I associate gay white men with the same prejudice that I’ve seen since being back here in the states, so I don’t date them at all. I don’t think of that as racism, but rather as self preservation, on both the psychological and the physical levels. I value myself and so would never put myself in a situation of having to deal with another persons uneducated opinion of me in any aspect simply because of the color of my skin, or worse any potential physical conflict that could arise therefrom. What I’m saying is, if you don’t like the way something is, remove it altogether. I did, and I’m happier for it. Life is just way too short to keep rehashing this to individuals who, more than anyone SHOULD get it. Gays get discriminated against at a constant, and rather than rising above prejudice, foster it in the gay community. It’s disappointing to say the least.

  168. Profile View....

    I noticed some Latino guys viewed my profile then when I viewed their profile, they puts, “No Asians” like that on their profile. Weird!.

  169. Scorpio7

    For gosh sake, I can’t understand how gay men can criticize other gay men for being specifically attracted to one type of other gay male. If you aren’t attracted to women, does that mean you are prejudice against them?

    I like white, rugged guys with beards. I have friends who ar Black, Asian, Hispanic, etc. We’re friends, I care about whether our personalities fit, not their physical appearance. If it come to sex, then yes, physical appearance comes into play and I discriminate based on who I’m attracted too. There are exceptions to every rule so I’ve gone out with guys of color who’ve caught my fancy. I like wo I like and don’t need to pretend. I will say straight up if I’m not interested. It’s just the honest truth, not a rude remark to get bent out of shape over. The nice guys tell you they’re not interested. The ducks don’t respond and/or block you.

  170. Not all Latinos are HOT!.

    Can’t be all LATINOS are HOT!. Ridiculously!.
    Some Latino guys don’t clean shower likes dirty uncut from my past experience.

    For example, very handsome looking and tall over 6 feet tall right? but down there, you about to see small dick or imperfection body. You just don’t know what it’s in there. It leave you speechless. That is real life!!.

  171. ej

    So according to everyone here, we are supposed to accept dates and have sex with anyone who asks for the sake of being politically correct? If I’m not attracted to ethnic men or men old enough to be my father or even if you have bad teeth, I’m not going to. Call me an agist, a racist or a or anything else. I’m not any of those, but I’m not going to have your penis in my ass to prove it.

  172. Barry

    Band buckeye – thanks for proving the proving my point that preference based on race I prejudiced point blank period. Tell yourself whatever you have to to sleep at night but if your dick doesn’t get hard because a guy is a certain color, you my friend are prejudiced. Maybe subconsciously bit prejudiced. And no one is saying that EJ. We are jus saying that you don’t get to make those claims for your “preferences” and they not be prejudiced. Screw who you want to but discrimination based on race is prejudiced. Why is this so hard for people to understand? Probably because most of you have racial preferences and don’t want to believe that your “preferences” are inherently prejudiced. If you don’t like guys of a certain age, you my friend EJ are an ageist regardless of what you think you are. Accept your biases. We all have them. It pissed me off when you guys act like ducks, look like ducks, quack like a duck and still think you’re not ducks! It’s ridiculous! and finally to the guy that spouted the definition of prejudice. By that definition most of you men have no credence. Noticed you said “previous experience.” Many guys have never even tried the age, race, weight etc. so they are prejudiced by that very definition. Just saying, prejudiced but own it and don’t deny what your preferences are.

  173. Barry

    And I LOVE this double standard some of us have as gay men! To all you men who feel that your “preferences” based on weight, age, race etc aren’t prejudiced, what would you say to a business who decides “Hey, so we don’t wanna serve gays. No offense but it’s just our preference to only serve heterosexuals. Our business just isn’t “attracted” to that particular clientele. Sorry.” Most of you would be ready to march against them the next day! America used to “Do you think this is simply their preference or prejudice. Again these double standards. Try to justify it however you like. No one is saying it’s wrong to not like a guy because he has or doesn’t have a particular attribute. But don’t for one minute think that your preference for said attribute (or lack thereof) isn’t rooted in prejudice. I don’t like feminine men. Is that my preference? Sure but I’m open enough to understand that I’m inherently prejudiced against them. Own your biases.

  174. Barry

    And I was finally gonna say that America used to prefer that whites and blacks be separate. I guess that was just the countries un-prejudiced preference right? Jim Crow much? Yes it’s a preference, but a prejudiced one.

  175. Barry

    To you guys who honestly believe that your preferences aren’t prejudiced, you are sadly deluded. Tell yourself whatever you need to to help you sleep at night. I pose this question to a lot of us hypocritical gays. Let’s say a business tomorrow decides “Hey well we don’t serve gays here. It’s just our preference honestly! We just aren’t “attracted” to that clientele! No offense though!” Most of us would be ready to march the very next day! Is that just a preference or prejudice? By some of you guys’ logic it’s just a preference (which is ridiculous.) I personally am not attracted to fem men. That’s my preference but I’m not deluded enough to think it’s not still prejudiced against fem men. Once upon a time America “preferred” that whites and blacks be separate. I guess that was just a preference and not prejudice too? Such double standards! I hate when guys walk, talk and quack like ducks but don’t think they are a duck! Like I said whatever helps you sleep at night. We all have preferences but don’t dare for a second think they are not rooted in prejudice. It’s prejudiced preferences. Own your biases and stop trying to market your prejudices as preferences. Sheesh!

  176. Scorpio7

    If you don’t want to be friends or hang around someone based solely on their race and/or color of their skin, you’re racist. Generally you’re friends solely by common interest(s), not because of the way they look.

    Sexual attraction is completely different. This is when physical looks come into play the most. You want to have sex with who gets your cock hard. “The penis does the picking.”

    Barry, by your definition, I am prejudice. I’m sexually attracted to white guys and that makes me “a duck?” The fact that I voted Obama in office, have non-white friends and love my ethnic family all accounts for nothing?

    The irony that this arguement comes from gay males who love and hangout with females, but won’t have sex with them.Prejudice much? No, sexual attraction is so specific and so unique for all of us. Physical traits matter when it comes to sex, not when you socialize. Two different issues.

  177. Barry

    Yes, and you, myself and all those other gay men you mention have that prejudice. My problem is that people refuse to see it as a prejudice. I’m prejudiced against women because I’m not sexually attracted to them, regardless of the fact that I have no control over this lack I attraction. It’s still a type of prejudice. It doesn’t matter if it’s physical, mental, emotional etc. it’s still a form of prejudice! People seem to think that if they don’t have a choice in the matter then it can’t possibly be considered a prejudice. I still think it is and that people like to slap the “preference” label on it because it sounds better…less offensive somehow. So yeah if it acts like a duck, I’m not gonna call it a goose. We all have biases. Own it!

  178. SCHULTZ

    Well according to some of you guys, we should not have preferences.. To some preference equals prejudice. OMG people get over yourself and stop being so sensitive.

  179. Barry

    And again with the guys like Schultz who will always chalk it up to the other party “being too sensitive.” That’s until it happens to them. Again no one isnt saying that there aren’t such things as preferences, but when you discount a whole group of people based on their race, age, ethnic group, etc. “just because that’s what makes your dick hard,” just means that both you and your dick have prejudicial views. The problem is that many men on here are saying that this is a black and white issue (no pun intended) but I think it’s more grey. Again many don’t wanna think of their “preferences” as even slightly prejudiced because of the negative connotations attached to the word. It just bugs me when people try and deny it. It’s the “preference” of most state legislatures to not allow same-sex marriage. Don’t call it prejudice now! It’s still just preference right? People wanna say it’s different because it delves into sexual attraction. That’s bull. It all stems from our basic underlying instinct to make snap judgements about people.

  180. Comment....

    Yeah White, Latino & Black guys are best friends forever 🙂 They agreed not to like Asians/Filipinos for a date, boyfriend or friendship. It’s true…

  181. Michael

    Gay men are so drama oriented and age prejudiced its not even funny. Very hurtful. I’m attractive, nice have a nice dick and body and 54….you get these creeps that say I will talk to no one over 30. Or men my age wanting only 20 somethings..etc, etc… I have never had a complaint about sex, and I have discovered men of all ages are sexy in some way. What has happened to this world. I am always polite to whomever talks to me..I will have men keep looking at my profile…never say a word and then block me if I say hello…blah ..blah…you all get the point. The ignorance has to stop. It isn’t all about sex…we are all human beings first. Act accordingly.

  182. TJ

    I USED to be at a point where I thought someone mentioning their racial desires wasn’t prejudicial and was preference…until I messaged a guy who told me he wasn’t really into black guys. We kept up friendly conversation and I have no idea how we ended up on the subject, but he asked if I was submissive. I am and I find dominance (as long as it isn’t racially charged) sexy, so naturally I responded with yes…he then asked me if I wanted to submit to him to which I replied, “I thought you said you weren’t into black guys…” He responded with “That wasn’t what I asked.”

    So apparently the only way I had a shot with him was to be his little black slave and service him without any reciprocity…

    In the past year or two I have also seen a profile saying “Not into rude, lazy, fat, or black”, (in that order) as if Black men only embody those qualities and none of us can be good people.

    I attempted to speak to a guy who was open to friendship as well as everything else. I had seen him in person at one point and figured I’d say hello and ask how he was. Nothing more, nothing less. He responded with “Not into black guys.” Not even a hello or a “I’m sorry, I’m not interested” (THE ACTUAL NON OFFENSIVE RESPONSE I USE MYSELF while also saying “Good luck on here” to those I message)

    After experiencing this shit on a regular basis, do I think that racial “preferences” are prejudiced (unintentional) or racist (blatant)? HELL YES. Especially when people feel the need to say “I’ve never been with a ___ man before.” I’ve never felt the need to tell the first Native American guy I had sex with that I’ve never been with someone from his culture before. Same with the first white guy or Asian guy I hooked up with. IT’S BECAUSE IT NEVER FUCKING MATTERED TO ME. I feel that if you bring up race in a conversation like that, it clearly matters to you and while you may think it’s a compliment, it just reveals to that person of color how sheltered you are/were when it comes to diversity and culture.

    Also, GTFO here with “Am I sexist/prejudice for not liking women?” CISGENDER WOMEN DO NOT HAVE DICKS. Black men, Asian men, White men, Pacific Islander men? We all naturally do and were born with them. So stop with the absurd comparison of apples to oranges.

  183. TJ

    The funniest thing I see in these comments is people claiming “They aren’t racist” because they still have friends of color even if they aren’t sexually attracted to them and would still be friends with the “unattractive” race. But catch them on here saying they aren’t looking for sex and just looking to meet people and make new friends and I bet you 8 times out of 10 they will ignore the race they don’t find attractive even if they just want to start a friendly platonic conversation. And yes, there are people on A4A that want nothing but friends. And they do this. I’ve witnessed it firsthand.

  184. Barry

    Amen TJ. You see exactly what I mean. These people tell themselves it’s not prejudiced because they don’t wanna think of themselves as being prejudiced (because they have “no choice” in the matter.) Whatever helps them sleep at night.

  185. Rick

    It seems some times we are judged just because we choose this way to date. But I don’t charge my dates money and then not pay taxes on that income. LOL Most don’t seem to want to know you to deeply. Because there is a very deep side to me. I just seem hard to get to know as I get older. This come from years being a gay entertainer and dealing with all the attitudes. lol funny thing is after years nobody recalls how good I was. SO I let the attitudes go and hold closer my long term friends. Until Mr.Midas touch finds me,

  186. Disco King

    It seems we are judged just for choosing to date this way. Many don’t seem to want to be friends so I hold close my long term friends. I don’t charge for sex and then not pay taxes on income like a lot of guys. Truthfully there is a very deep side of me (the back. J/K) it takes time to get to know in me. The older I become it seem I’m less into the attitudes this must come from years of being an gay entertainer. Lol Funny thing is people don’t even recall how good I was. So I try so hard not to get to jaded over all the attitudes,

  187. dean alan

    If it’s the Big in BBC that is important what is the purpose of 2nd B? Personal preference and prejudice/racism/ageism/etc are not necessarily mutually exclusive. True, none of us is attracted to everyone/thing but if you care about the impact and energy you create and put out into the universe you can and will write a profile that positively focuses on what YOU ARE attracted to. Will you sometimes get contacted by guys who don’t fit your type? Of course, and I take that as the down side of being devastatingly georgeous. As for race? To judge people based on race is unintelligent, random, indicates that you think all ________ people are the same in some fundamental and significant way. Not true!!! Example: I am sure you have had or heard a discussion about wether Barack Obama/Halle Berry/ etc are black on not.

    • bjjj

      BBC huh? (big black cock) Well not all blacks have big cocks, some do, others don’t. My BF is black, I’m white, and he has just an average size cock, Cock size isn’t everything. It’s more about the relationship that exists between 2 guys. The BBC thing has really been promoted by all the porn videos out there, but in reality, people are people, whether they are black, white, or any other race or nationality. If 2 guys like and enjoy each other, being it sexual, romantic, or just friends, why be concerned about skin color, cock size, looks, age. I say make love and enjoy,

  188. bjjj

    I don’t know why guys get so hung up about race, looks, nationality, age, etc. Personally to me it’s the caring and love for each other that counts. Most any guy can get off with another guy (or gal), but the real test is when there is a nice loving relationship between two people. I met a nice older gay man who is black well over a year ago, and since I am white and gay, I know many people think that a relationship like this shouldn’t exist or be allowed. But the thing is we love each other very much as our relationship gets better each day. Our love and care for each other isn’t based on skin color at all. I would never call him my “black boyfriend” I simply call him by his name, and he calls me by mine. People are so funny when they see us together. We go to a restaurant, have a meal and usually were asked “separate checks” just because we have different skin colors, and were both guys. We go shopping, he finds something he likes and we go to purchase it, and I hand the clerk my CC as I am buying it for my BF. Yep, we get the once over look. Try walking down the street or parking lot holding hands, oh yea that draws some stares. What’s even more exciting is when we give each other a hug or kiss in front of others. I feel if the public is prejudice it’s there problem, not ours, and if they don’t think it’s right well, so what. I saw a billboard the other day that said there is only one race, “the human race”. So true.

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