Speak Out : Why Does Skin Color Means So Much?

(Hi guys, below is another reaction to a recent post about racism online. If you too would like to write on this blog about something you want to share or an opinion or a sex story etc, feel free to send us your text at blog @ adam4adam . com with your username)

I am a young mixed male living in Colorado Springs, Colorado and I cannot tell you how many times I have been turned down by men online simply because of my skin color. I try my best to make connections and to reach out to guys, I mean you can’t win a game if you don’t play right? So as hard as I try to play the game I always come up short for some reason.  One day I sent a HELLO to a very cute guy that I thought would be cool to get to know but he replied to me saying,  “omg please kill yourself you ugly monkey”. I was very confused because I have never heard someone call me a ugly monkey before and was wondering what I did to offend him.  So I asked him, “what did I do to offend you?” I didn’t think saying hello was such a bad thing, but he replied one last time saying, “you are too dark and I do not like dark men only Whites and Latinos get to touch this”. When I went to “explain myself” he had blocked me. I was still very confused as to why my skin color meant so much to him. You would think he would want to at least be friends or at least associates, but he wouldn’t open his mind to that. That then makes me wonder how many more men are like him.

It is very sad that you can’t even make a good connection with someone without thinking if they will reply negatively because of your race. I understand preference, but come on why deprive yourself from a great human experience based on if you want to fuck them or not? Why make someone feel bad about their heritage and themselves because you have issues seeing past the outer exterior? I do get that everyone has customer service needs and requirements, but I hate to inform you, this is not Wal-Mart or Sears this is a dating site. A dating site is like a fantastic buffet you have all type from all countries just pick what you want. So again why does skin color mean so much to gay men? Can anyone answer this question logically?


There are 241 comments

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  1. Bry

    In my experience there is almost always a psychological explanation. This also accounts for the initial rudeness, but is mainly brought on my immaturity. Bet you can’t guess which race I am?! I’ve been on both ends of the issue. I was raped at a very young age by an older family member, so for the longest time men of my own race disgusted me. Not too long ago, after my 30th birthday I finally realized that I was only penalizing myself and it was quite ridiculous to blame men I’ve yet to meet for my childhood trauma. Hope this helps.

  2. TBrooks5789

    I don’t think it is just gay men. Everybody has preferences. But I do notice it alot. I see some white men who only want to talk to/meet black or Asian men, I know of and see many black men who only want to talk to white or Latino men. Asians who only want white men, etc. It’s no problem to have your “preference” just as the fact they prefer other men also. But when you simply will not even interact with another person because of their race, that’s when it is utterly disgusting and ugly. I am of mixed race (black/white) but I appear in looks to be completely white. My skin, hair color, hazel eyes… in ways I don’t quite understand how it really feels to be dismissed because of my skin color because it RARELY happens. But I do understand things that make racial issues complicated.

  3. Jule

    Surprisingly, the same thing happened to me a few days ago online. I was trying to get know a Caucasian guy, I read his profile and he seemed to care extensively about his health but made no mentions about racial preferences. So I thought it was cool to talk to him. I said “Hi” and asked “how’re you”. He stated “not into blacks”. I replied and asked him why not but no response. Part of me didn’t really care other than wanting to know why he refused to have a simple chat with me because of my skin color. Another part of me created this fear/stigma because I know fear being rejected by the person I’ve liked for so long because of my skin color.

  4. Coco Drilo

    Double standard bottoms: Those who are the most racists are the ones who secretly hook up only with these dark-skinned ugly mandingos because of their gigantic penises. They will never tell about that to their friends, lol.

  5. sacctyguy

    Ignorance can be cured, stupidity cannot. As in all of life, there are those that are stupid based on their lack of knowledge and their desire not to learn or grow. Unfortunately they have decided to live a life of stupidity. It is important that we keep our minds open and our desire to learn active to be able to grow. Dom2024, remember that you are who you are and not let stupid people warp your perception of all. There will be open minded, caring people who will want to connect with you.

  6. dickliker

    some people are just stupid. not much you can do about that. such comments bother me, and I’m as white as can be.

  7. seth

    It matters because there are stereotypes that go with every race thats out there. I’m not saying I agree with it because I see a person as a person and not by their skin color, even though I have alot of blacks guys hitting on me cause I’m a light skin latino.. Some people like the color contrast (blk & white), others some like the stereotypes thats associated with that race( thug, papi, daddy, bear, rice queen, potatoe queen).. When it boils down to it, it just racism and ignorance of that person(s);yes i said RACISM not preference. A preference doesn’t rule out a person based on skin other or ethnicity. Know the difference. I ask that same question all the time to my latin people on why I’m not latin cause I’m fair skinned and guess what I never get answer or the answer is “you to light to be latin or I’m white pretending to be latin.” Goes back to what i said earlier, ignorance on that person(s)..My skin color does not determine who I am.. I do..

  8. Omaha, Nebraska

    Yea I get that myself at times. It’s like…I just messaged you to say hi…not to try to get in your pants. The society we live into is crazy…back in the 90’s everybody chatted online without many issues but now its almost like you have to be a certain race to associate with people or you must have a pic right off the back if its not posted in your profile. BUT the funny thing is that when I first moved to Nebraska I would IM’s from people about meeting up even though in my profile it said I was in a relationship. Its just really sad how we are gay people can be asses to each other based on race instead of getting to know someone for who they are on the inside…color is just a color! I mean if your not into a certain race…We ALL bleed the same color blood..RED! I hate to see how this world will be in the next 20yrs.

  9. Dentonbi

    I doubt anyone can explain this to you logically, because it’s illogical. There’s no reason why someone can’t be a friend or chat buddy if you they’re not someone you’d want to date. It seems that people who don’t fit in the stereotypical fit/lean body type receive similar treatment. As someone who’s over 30, has a moderately hairy chest, and has a difficult time slimming down I’ve had people block me when all I did was say “hi.” Like you said, just because I don’t want to fuck somebody doesn’t mean I have to be rude. And btw that guy’s an idiot. I’ve seen a lot of mixed guys who are pretty cute!

  10. ez1here

    look at it this way! would u want to be friends or have any contact with a guy like that? closed mind, bigot! i cant answer why eigther, but if it happened to me i know it was there loss. hang in there, the gay community is slow sometimes, but they r achangin too!

  11. Luke

    It’s just a matter of preference. Sure, that guy didn’t have to call you an “ugly monkey” unprovoked, but he’s just an asshole.

  12. joey

    Yes unfortunatly I myself, and I am sure countless others know how you feel. To many people of all ages discriminate based on looks, age, size, and god know what else. I suppose it makes those people feel better about themselves and there short commings. It seems nobody wants to know a person here if they are not attractive in there eyes, and then it is most likely not to be “friends”, just another guy to get off with and never acknowledge again here. I find it crazy because the LBGT push being open minded and yet it’s own don’t know how to practice what they preach.
    Well the world seems to be wakingup and accepting gay people and there rights, but unfortunatly the gay people have along ways to go for accepting there own people.

  13. jay11970

    I don’t think it’s skin color, per se, but other motives and stereotypes at work. I typically see three different groups with preferences. Those who believe other groups are more acceptable and probably finanially rewarding. Some believe in the stereotype of big dicks and ability to fuck and restrict themselves to that group. And finally, there are those who do believe their group are genetically superior to others and restrict themselves to their group only. I say don’t be so restrictive that you miss out on someone good. Those with experience know that stereotypes can often be deceiving. How many have selected the guy with the pretty/beautiful face only to discover the body, dick, or ass was all wrong? I have. I have also reluctently opted for a guy with an ugly face only to discover the body, dick, ass and sex was off the map. All I’m saying is we should not restrict ourselves from others based on outer appearances alone(looks, color, height, etc).

  14. DK

    Race preferences come from cultural conditioning. I wrote a blog post hoping a4a would publish it, but it was rejected. Unfortunate, because the information — from a psychological research-based perspective, explaining why race preference is different from sexual orientation, specific to certain cultures, and connected to America’s strained racial history — is important. But I guess the blog would rather post people whining about it, which doesn’t do much good, rather than actually attempting to increase understanding in a non-dramatic, clear-headed way.

    It is not true that racial attraction is unexplainable. Basically when you pair an arousal state with a certain race over and over again, conditioning occurs. In this country, from birth a typical person is bombarded with messages that “white” is better, smarter, more beautiful etc. Youtube the “race doll” experiment to see how children as young as three and four have internalized white privilege. Were they born believing the white doll is smarter/prettier/smarter than the others? Of course not. So combine the white privilege inherent in our culture with the white privilege in gay media and entertainment and you create an environment where preference for whites (and white-looking Latinos) is very intense. Gay bars here in West Hollywood rarely hire nonwhite bartenders and have quotas the amounts for minority gogos. Gay fashion houses like Andrew Christian hardly ever feature black or Asian models. Blacks and Asians are segregated from most mainstream gay porn, and blacks are instead fetishized and exoticized as “thugs” or “monster cock” sex objects as opposed to mainstream boyfriend material. This lack of ethnic visibility comes from the white privilege in our community, hence the defense that “we’re just giving customers what they want”. True, but they’re also influencing what customers want by making nonwhites relatively invisible. The more we are exposed to different cultures, the more we open up to normalized interpersonal relationships with diverse groups. But minorities do not get a lot of positive, normalized exposure in gay culture in terms of sex, attraction, and beauty.

    The intensity of this segregation is unique to certain cultures and not as prevalent in others, hence why darker guys are more prized in some European and South American cultures relative to America, due to our racialized history. Race preferences are different from sexual orientation in that it they are a post-birth, cultural phenomenon NOT an inborn biological trait, which is why it is scientifically silly to say race preferences are no different from gay guys “preferring” men than women.

    And a race preference is also unique from preferences for height, age etc. in that America’s painful racial past requires heightened sensitivity to race issues. People weren’t hung from trees because of their hair color, so obviously a hair preference isn’t going to raise the same issues.

    Some say, “well what about profiles that say BLACKS ONLY.” Well, because whites still hold the privilege among gays, a preference for minority groups is not going to cause pain — it is not a threat, it challenges white power. A preference for whites reinforces the current ongoing power imbalance in American culture so of course it will raise more eyebrows. Much like a preference for older gays is not problematic or offensive — youth still holds the privilege in gay culture.

    Because conditioning is complex it is useless to whine about them. Racialized sex preferences are not overtly racist, they are mostly subconscious, much moreso than most forms of racial exclusion. It might be say they come about in racist cultures, but to call a person with race preferences racist is wrong in my view because sex arousal around non-biological traits is so complex.

    The problem with race preferences is when people say things that aren’t true about them: they are unimportant, they have no connection to culture and history, they cannot be changed, they are no different from other preferences, etc. We should not apologize for or be ashamed of our race preferences, but we should be intellectually honest enough to recognize what is going on psychologically and culturally and practice empathy and sensitivity based on that. Yes, if someone wanted to change a race preference, TECHNICALLY they could with the help of a behavioral therapist trained in re-conditioning (note that conditioning only changes behaviors, not genetic traits, which is why gay conversion therapy does not work). But since there as so many guys out who do date interracially and intraracially, isn’t it better to focus on those who are into you instead of whining and complaining? Those who limit themselves based on superficial traits are often the ones losing out on a great guy. Many gay men die alone because of their preferences caused them to miss out on the ones they were actually compatible with.

    In the meantime, we should can try to be kind to one another. A simple, “I’m flattered, but it’s not a match” makes gays look way better than resurrecting the Jim Crow 1950s South by putting up WHITES ONLY and and ASIANS KEEP OUT signs all over our community.

    Profile: All-AmericanJock
    Trainee, Marriage & Family Therapy

  15. devin

    You never have to “explain yourself. ” i just hope that you embrace all aspects of your racial identity. The color of your skin carries a cultural – historical context. For some it represents a proud resilient people, and for others it represents low social class.

  16. tony

    the skin color shouldnt matter to me it doesent if u have respect and are kind caring and polite ur good to go it doesent matter if ur brown black white green yellow or? color why put labels on people as we all breath the same air we all have a heart or some of us do why cant we all get along most of us guys where brought up to have respect for others i know i was all these lables on people are unreal black white it doesent matter lables are for food and belong on the shelf in the store sorry guys

  17. Jeff

    I honestly don’t think it has much to do about the actual race. It’s the ideas that people have and associate with that race. Ultimately, when someone has a problem with meeting or chatting with you because of your race, they’re not worth your time. It’s 2014 and you shouldn’t that kind of idiocy in your presence. As far as the “PREFERENCE” goes, and I use that term lightly, it’s basically a PC way to say the same old things that most bigots say.

  18. Frank

    I understand skin color is a big deal with some guys and that is a real shame. Like you said it is all about meeting guys and maybe establishing some kind of a friendship.

    Now for my main bitch. There could also be a blog on age rejection. I am 60 years old but ain’t dead yet! One good thing though is some of us older guys tend to take care of each other and. You young guy don’t know what you are missing.

    Don’t forget color and age do not rub off.

  19. northchris

    Logically, you have to consider the individuals sociological up bringing. My Mother is pale complexion, she’s Asian and Hispanic. She is only attracted to dark men. She views it on a scientific level. My genetic variation will allow me to live longer, not loose my hair or go bald, have better physical qualities, etc.

    On a societal level, FEW men are custom to not dating different shade complexions because of what society USE to say. There are many people of color in the world today that out number white people by and large. I think that’s something that not a lot of people understand.

    Ina logical sense, think of these men that are not attracted to you as bad karmic baggage. Do not pay attention to them. Move on. There are so fucking many other dudes out there that will obsess over you … Just have to find the right one.

  20. redfish7

    That was plain rude and mean, and this from a guy that prefers white for the most part, let me explain , I just find it sexy that blonde fussy hair on the legs and balls, Me , a bronze looking native and Greek and French guy, so I guess I look for something different than me, but I would never say or call someone ugly because they are not my type, that’s all he had to say, sorry bud, I prefer this or that, at the end of the day we’re all human, what really chaps my ass is that gay men tend to me meaner with their own kind, why is that?

  21. Jay

    That’s why I never let the preference bs fly. At heart, tons of people are racist. It used to be sad. Now its just pathetic. One guy told me that when his sister gave him a hard time about being gay, he reminded her that she dated a black guy. Smh. I’ve heard it all. White is right. White latino and Asian. I guess anything but black. But f*ck them. What’s so great about being pale? Its only skin color, losers.

  22. antone

    skin color means only as much as each man finds it relevant to what they want out of a connection. Some men find another race unacceptable for sex, for friendship or for love. race issues are often learned from family and community. Those can often be extreme. I have experienced this before and had no problem brushing the guy off. Better to know his stand right off than to find out after months or years of effort that to him I’m not good enough. Know yourself and what some yahoo thinks matters not. After I walk away from such an encounter I’m free, he, on the other hand, is stuck with the limits in his life.

  23. Randy

    I think Adam should take a stand. Delete profiles that have racial preferences stated in them.
    Until people learn that stating racial preferences are wrong, they have no reason to change.

  24. David Land

    Another person should not make you feel bad about your looks or skin color. You have to secure confidence for yourself in every aspect. Someone who explodes this vehemence and hate has much in life to learn. Not being attracted to someone is a mysterious thing, just as figuring out what DOES make an attraction. I am primarily attracted to my own race, but I cannot explain why. There are exceptions, but, searching my heart and mind, I do not see any racism or hatred at the root of it. Facial features are most basic for me. Even a white guy who has the hottest body possible can be a turn off because of facial features. Or, the perfect looking guy can turn me off because of his attitude. A more average guy with the right character qualities can turn me on more than any thing. So who can make sense of all this? Not I. Not very many guys find me attractive at all. So I have to live with that. It sucks.. lol In a bad way, as they say!

  25. Rob

    The simple explication is that people are taught to see the way they do. Racism only exists because of parents teaching their children. Aside from that, what you’ve written sounds like he is just plain rude. Sexual preference is different. I am generally attracted to one ethnicity, but that’s not to say everyone else is out or that I dislike someone because they are not what I am attracted to. But then, I wasn’t brought up to recognize skin color as bias between one or the other. Fret not how others see you, rather take the time to see yourself instead.

  26. Jacob

    So sorry you have had such experiences. I’m afraid that racial divides still exist, despite many years of progress. If someone doesn’t want to know you simply because of your skin color, it’s their loss. No accounting for stupidity or small mindedness. I think that these people are part of a shrinking minority and hopefully will disappear in our lifetime. In the meantime, wish you the best of luck finding someone for you! Most of us don’t care about your skin color, only “the content of your character”.

  27. Allan

    I suspect that racism is not just the matter of melanin density in the skin, (besides, many people are just as attracted to it as repelled), but, rather, cultural associations with different races and nationalities.
    Thus the person you contacted may have had a very negative interaction with someone of your ethnicity, and that colored (so to speak) his attitude towards all. Or else his cultural upbringing may have to do with it as well.
    No matter what, I’m sure it wasn’t aimed personally at you, however prejudice still exists these days, prejudice of many different kinds.
    I hope your next experience is more positive (and you can call me, if you’d like…)

  28. tanandhorny

    I would rather rather suck blacks than anything. I suck white guys too but, black is my preference.I love the dark skin. To me black skin is so sexy.

  29. FelisCulpa

    There’s never a legitimate reason for that sort of racism. Yes, we do all have our sexual preferences. But, that doesn’t mean you don’t even speak to someone that doesn’t meet those preferences. Trying to make someone feel uncomfortable or insecure because of their race is just silly. It means there’s something seriously wrong with that person. So, in a sense, be glad you found out now. Avoid them at all costs!

  30. Cuwnicu1

    This is a old age question : I can say that racism is alive and well in the gay community.. But that’s not my point, the fact is you don’t need a answer. What u need is a change in perspective . Do you really want to meet or be involuted with someone who think like that.. It’s there lost and you gain..

  31. huemann

    I too am of mixed race I live in Pittsburgh and you can run into this a lot, oddly enough it’s from African American males obviously the males in this area are so how taught to self hate and don’t need to see a reminder I’ve gotten the vibe that they believe this makes them somehow elite but this practice is so out of the Lynch handbook the Caucasian males are plentiful here but try dating a black man it the elephant graveyard was easier to find

  32. darryl

    In this world we live in this happens more often then i care to admit. The brash, rude, and obviously racist comments online is very disheartening. I’ve had that happen to me a few years ago. This has nothing to do with you, it’s that sad shrew of a child, who decided that instead of just saying he’s not interested, he took the easy way out and decided use horrible, useless, and racist words to make himself feel better. The power he tried to use to belittle you just proved he’s the ugly monkey. Not all people go there, but for those who do, please don’t shame yourself by lowering to the lowest common denominator. It should be beneath you.

    to the lowest common denominator. It should be beneath you.

  33. Enzo (SoCalTuffGuy)

    Personally, I don’t have an issue with skin color – a sexy man is a sexy man. My profile even states “I don’t have racial hangups and prefer fit/muscular men over 30.” Preferences are one thing, but being a closed-minded and/or hateful bigot is another. For example: I prefer dark-haired men who are shorter than me (such as our blogmaster, Dave) but that doesn’t mean I could never be attracted to a tall blond man.

    Playing devil’s advocate for a moment, this is a hook-up site and people are allowed to state they are not interested, though a simple “no, thank you” or “I’m not interested in meeting you” is preferred over a hateful remark. It really drives me crazy when I politely say “no” and the person asks what it is I don’t like about them. I think it is selfish to demand a reason of someone who is not attracted to you: Not everyone needs to be attracted to everyone. That being said, I’d like to punch the guy who called you an ugly monkey right in his sloppy cunt: That is unacceptable behaviour and I feel A4A should be allowed to terminate a membership for repeated offenses of hate such as this. My suggestion: If you are so completely turned off by someone that you can’t even fake a polite response: Don’t respond at all rather than being cruel and ugly.


  34. Danny

    I’m sorry that you went through that ordeal. It’s terrible that we as a gay community want equal rights but we can’t even respect each other. That guy who sent you that “excuse” for not being attracted to you is a surly individual who clearly lives in his own delusional world that “lighter is better”. There is no perfect race, just like there is no perfect person. Preferences is totally cool-but to make blatant disrespectful comments like that & then block you?? What an asswipe. I hope you find what you’re looking for. Don’t let the mistake of some sorry fool discourage you from finding who/what you’re looking for. All the best to you.

  35. Ricardo

    Skin color doesn’t mean that much

    The real problem that means here is racism (a.k.a. ignorance) and that’s a problem that only concerns that cute guy you say, not you

  36. CT

    The U.S. is fundamentally a white-supremacist nation born out of the genocide of Native Americans and the enslavement of African-descended peoples. It acquired wealth through stolen lands and forced labor, the accumulation of which literally built our economy. No amount of time can change the fact that the U.S. remains a settler colony which contains natives to concentration camps and perpetuates ideologies that are hostile to all nonwhites (despite well-behaved ethnic entrepreneurs who play up to white desires and make them believe we are “post-racist” which is laughable). Even liberalism is guilty of this when identified with “progressivism,” a linear historical model that locates European civilization at the forefront of everything. Gay men are victims of these histories for reasons that they are all too aware–so much so that they tend to ignore or exploit the oppression of others (one would wonder why it does not make them more empathetic–perhaps it is the false promise of homonormativity). Gay white men are some of the most vehement racists I have ever met. The ones that are (and not all of us are) I think are overcompensating for what society frames as their own lack, a fiction that is only about 150 years old and NOT ancient, a tad younger than modern nation states which themselves are very young, by attacking others and otherwise not seeing them as humans. But racism is structural and people express their relationships to it differently. I can say, however, that as a gay white man who is in a relationship with a Native American man, I am deeply ashamed of and sorry for the awful ways in which you have been treated by these racist assholes. Unfortunately, so long as people deny the violent racism at the core of this society, such behaviors will not go away but perhaps change with the times and become more widely critiqued later, when they become “history.”

  37. TallItalMan

    I’m not sure there are logical ways of handling this subject or the subject of mating rituals at large but let me break down your comment and see if we can make some sense of it.

    First is the concept that dating or meeting people should be viewed as a game. I tend to think of dating and hooking up as anything but a game. I don’t believe it’s a game at all. If I read that someone is looking for friendship leading to a LTR, or is looking to hook-up, that’s all that it needs to be. When it becomes a game then essentially all parties involved are free to proceed in whatever manner they define a game to be. Games are often treated as if someone has to win or lose or that a score is being kept. Games can become just a process of going back and forth with endings that are abrupt or designed to create power plays that end with who can reject first. A game simply injects a negative element that I see as being more destructive than anything else. So perhaps re-evaluating that aspect of your approach might be in order.

    Second, we always run the risk of interacting with people who are on a different wavelength than our own. Looks do not imply that there will be an instant connection on any level. You can have a great rapport while online and have it completely fall apart once you meet. I have spent the better parts of 25 years observing the evolution of the mating game and I must say it certainly hasn’t been any easier to meet people. True that the internet has allowed for people of varied backgrounds to come together in situations that would normally never have been possible had it been at something more conventional like a bar, party or other type of offline social function. This aspect of the ritual has certainly created a very interesting dynamic that has required a certain amount of flexibility in how we look at potential partners – some adapting well, many not. I certainly would never have given anyone an opportunity to correct an inappropriate response of that nature.

    Third, your buffet analogy pretty much sums up the why’s of what goes into how people choose their potential partners. You appear to come off as someone who is perfectly willing to try new things. Perhaps you’ll have the prime rib, but do you prefer rare or well done? Or perhaps you prefer the chicken – fried? Broiled? Sautéed? Or maybe you’re a vegetarian – no meat for you and often you might make sure the people around you know exactly why. Then of course the ethnic cuisine – should you get Chinese? Indian? Italian? What kind of sauces do you prefer. Do you drink wine or beer? Coke or Pepsi? Mac or PC? So do you see now why making the leap to understanding what prompts people to make choices about who they choose to relate to shouldn’t be too difficult?

    Dating sites have become what you make it. For many, it’s a point and click equivalent of a Walmart, Sears, buffet table or whatever. What separates a good and bad experience is the expectations placed and behavior of all involved. A simple response to your *hello* could have been no response at all or a simple *thank you but I’m not really interested*. When one hides behind their computers, it becomes astonishing to me how rude or brave people become when their is no fear of retribution. the side effect being that it exposes people immediately as to who they are or how they think. Had your encounter been at a bar I think everyone could agree the response would have been very different.

    Finally, a couple of thing come to mind of my own experiences over the years about how people have reacted to me. One particular month about two years ago I had all the following reasons given to me why I wasn’t the right choice for them; too tall, too short, too fat, too thin, too hairy, not hairy enough, too old, too young, too freaky, you’re uncut, dick too big, too small, too clean-cut, not clean-cut enough, drugs, no drugs, ethnicity – the list goes on. Some were rude about it, some very polite. Some were men, some were women and some transgendered. We all have our preferences about what we do, eat or have sex with etc. This is what makes the world an interesting place in my view. We certainly don’t need to be rude about it or have attitude or even look for reasons to feel we’re better then other people, but we don’t live in a perfect world and the standard for civilized behavior erodes as the years go by. You’re not going to change people and you shouldn’t let assholes bother you. I try to go into meetings with the same level of respect that I would prefer in turn. I go into sex with as playful and explorative approach as the scene allows. I think I have adapted well to the changing technologies that have made meeting people interesting and often challenging. When it becomes too much, I simply balance it out with a more conventional approach.

    I hope this puts some of your questions in perspective. I certainly would be interested in hearing other perspectives. I wish you luck in your journey.

  38. crankyd

    Why does skin color mean so much to gay men?
    It apparently means a lot to many people, gay, straight, bi, Black, White, Latin, Asian, etc.; even to people within the same racial group.
    If anything, i’ve noticed cross-racial dating to be much more common in the gay world compared to straight. Which is not to say that the gay people are less bigoted than anyone else.

    Enough history has passed in our culture for everyone to understand that his kind of racist nastiness is unacceptable.
    People like this asshole you encountered should simply be avoided; it’s not your responsibility to help him see the light.

    What i find puzzling is your statement:
    “When I went to “explain myself” he had blocked me. You would think he would want to at least be friends or at least associates, but he wouldn’t open his mind to that.”

    I have no idea what would make you think he would want to have a reasonable conversation based upon his crass behavior.
    Please don’t waste your time with a racist coward; safe to say he’s an idiot by choice. A willfully ignorant, mean-spirited adult prick is not the same as a child that, due to the atmosphere he was raised in, doesn’t know any better.
    He is not worth trying to change or save.

    You deserve better; go find better.

  39. Hillie

    Why are we constantly putting white men on a pedestal? You’re questioning the irrational behavior of someone who rejected you w/ racial undertones. I have more of a problem w/ you than him. He has made a conscious choice to base his life and who he decides to connect with w/ prejudice. Who cares. In the end he will be on the losing side.

  40. Jerry

    I felt so bad reading this, it got me upset for a bit. Sometimes people can just be plain mean and when someone seeks to be bad instead of good, there is not much that can be done. Please don’t feel bad about your race and PLEASE REMEMBER that this is only a small percentage of people, just like there is also a small percentage of people that rather only date dark skin people. I am Hispanic and race will never affect my judgement on another person.

  41. muzyqman

    It is a sad fact of gay online dating/hook-up sites that, when someone sees your message, he generally looks at your profile first. And the then following happens:
    — 50% will decide they don’t want to fuck you, and won’t even open your message, and may or may not block you
    — 30% will open your message and respond rudely, like the person in the article, and may or may not block you
    — 10% will not respond at all, and may or may not block you
    — 10% will chat with you and find out if your are someone they want to meet in person (if you are in the same area).
    So the problem is that 90% are assholes of one kind or another and you have to develop thicker skin and not let the assholes get to you.

  42. Wayne

    I’m a black man and my beef is with other blacks who whine when other races reject them. I mean if they don’t want you just move on and don’t worry about why… are you that desperate?

  43. Note to Enough Whining...

    And to address the jerk who, on the other thread about this — said that race preferences come about because whites are objectively the hottest feature wise and basically stated that blacks have the ugliest features objectively-speaking — rather than call him out for being stupid and a bigot (he is both) let’s think about this logically (which is difficult for stupid bigots).

    If feature attraction is objective, what’s wrong with the millions of gays who do find blacks attractive? Are their brains just wired incorrectly.

    And also, what about countries overseas, where black guys are prized as the hottest guys around? I’ve heard gays in Australia and some European countries complain that there aren’t enough black gay guys for them. Does a black guy’s features change magically in the air while he is flying to another country, to make him suddenly attractive?

    Most of attraction is conditioned not biological. Some of it is not; for example, biologically we tend to prefer symmetrical face. Some of it is both conditioned and biological; for example, we biologically tend to prefer partners that look healthy, but what we consider “healthy” is culturally conditioned — in old Europe, skinny people were considered undesirable and unattractive because their low body weight was a sign of poor health to people in those days. The opposite is true in America nowadays.

    I pose all this to point out that attraction is complex. Understandable and explainable, but complex. And mostly subjective and conditioned. The idea that one race has a inside track on objectively attractive features is the most racist thing a person can say about race preferences. Shameful coming from the mouth of a gay man, but Aryan Brotherhood white supremacist racial purity Nazi beliefs are apparently strong within some very nasty, deeply troubled and bigoted gay men.

  44. Paul

    Simple…. Some people are attracted to blond hair, some black. Some are attracted to bears, some muscle guys….every pot has its lid, so-to-speak. I am white and prefer dark skinned men….I have hit guys up who immediately said, “NO WHITES”… I don’t ask for a reason OR try to have a conversation with them, why would I? There is no excuse for rudeness but there is nothing that I can say that is going to change their personality….so I just move on knowing that Karma will get them later.. Don’t over think it….just have enough confidence in yourself to let it go…..
    Next…. 🙂

  45. Tim

    Hey, I don’t have any issues with any color, some sure do. I am open to any one as long as they are very discrete as I am not out and won’t be. but friends is always good to have.

  46. rqziel28

    That’s fucked up that you had to go through that. I’m a black man and I have no racial hang ups. I like every color and nationality. That you you where talking to is a stupid fuckin asshole! So forget about that cunt and you’ll find the guy for you!

  47. Alan

    Don’t take his actions so personally. I live in Charlotte and there are more “black/brotha/”nigga” only” profiles on A4A here than there are “no black”. I am 62 and even though in much better shape than most, get exactly the same treatment from young dudes under 30(white and black) who think they will age 10 years just by chatting with me. Like many have said, let the water run off your back and embrace those who are attracted to you. None of us is going to change the world in one day so just go with the flow, show compassion and courtesy to all, and move the mountain one teaspoon at a time.

    • David

      @62, why are you hitting up guys under 30? What do you want from them? Sex? But you Dont want it from another 60year old? Hmmm…maybe that’s how they(younger guys) feel when you hit them up.

  48. Tony L.

    must be the guys in your state because here in new york/new jersey I notice especially at the bathhouse guys follow the black men like a puppy after a bone. because black means huge cock but I bet they dont have one black person to call a friend in their personal lives

  49. Auros LokHart

    It’s not a “preference”, it’s refined racism.

    Bigoted assholes like that guy are the reason why true equality will forever remain as nothing more than a nice idea.

  50. Kevin

    The ignorance can be on both sides in these scenarios. Sounds like this guy was probably mostly looking to “make connections” with white men, maybe even exclusively. In these cases, I truly don’t understand how the person of color is in any position to point fingers at the white guys who simply have the same preference. It’s highly unlikely that other people of color are rejecting him based on his skin color. This guy also seems like a major rejection junkie. Someone sent him a message calling him an animal and telling him to kill himself, and that’s someone he needed to message back to find out why he got the response he got? Like at that very moment someone insults you like that, you shouldn’t need anything further from them. His accounts of his online interactions may be to expose issues in others, but it also seems like he’s got a few issues he should work on resolving as well.

  51. Angelo

    My two cents for what it is worth..
    Maybe sometimes …sometimes there is a simple solution ..I see it as follows… It starts with manners and common courtesy… You guys all put into your profiles your likes and dislikes…walks on the beach walking dogs..etc..Say if you were to post .. No ____________fill in the one I think should have a problem with that… The person in question was upfront and thats all he need be…. now if you still approach him and you fall into his DONT category you have yourself to blame…
    On the other hand you say Hi to someone this case doesnt want to chat with black people on any level…. and DOES NOT write it in his profile… and then is rude hurting etc .. That person is an asshole..PERIOD and count yourself lucky to know before you waste time get hurt etc…
    When I read people write that into todays day and age things changed .. everone should post a picture etc in other words making decesions based on your own life for me without knowing anything about me is plain dumb.. I dont care if its 1770 ,,1870 ,,1970,,,or 2014 people and their circumstances remain just that ..personal issues are that personal… I wont deny that gay liberation helped plenty of people but also plenty of people deal with parents families work situations that have not changed… will not change,, and they deal with that… Those people should not be made to they are not with it..
    Racism exsists in every walk of life …between every people and between every class of people with in that people… as long as human beings accept that they wont be hurt …nothin wrong feeling comfortable speaking chatting and more with whomever you like feel an affinity to… sometimes opposites attract sometimes they dont … It’s not racist if it doesnt
    It only becomes racists when bad words are used insults hurlded etc… no excuse for that
    Hope this helps someone
    Have a good day

  52. Kevin

    Wow, just checked his profile. This guy doesn’t look biracial or mixed at all, and his profile headline is “Ugly Ducklings Need Love Too”. He’s referring to himself as ugly but other guys are supposed to want him? People will see you how you see yourself, guys!

  53. goldenloverinmym

    wow hot topic. u have no reason to feel down about anything,i ‘m white but 59 so i’m feeling ageism the same as racism.i’ve had great lovers of color and bad great white lovers and bad.he was just a racist asshole and not meeting u was his loss I’m sure of that!!!!

  54. Whitey

    Ok I understand what you are saying. I am guessing you are black or close to it. Mixed if I remember. I am very white and very blond a d beautiful blue steel eyes. I am into dark men and I get frustrated with the samething. I think thAt you shouldn’t be discouraged you should never be ashamed. I get call snow bank, powder , snow flake and much more. I am proud of my skin and you should be to. That person was raised that way and being gay he should remember he is judged all the time to. he is an ignorant un educated closed minded person. Monkey, is bad, but remember if eveloution is true then he is a monkey as well. Wish u the best and remember you’re exotic and beautiful. Wish I could find love and someone like you!!!

  55. Täíä

    Idk why, I have been turned too. I’ll don’t get how you don’t like different flavors. I love all colors and all people. Ignorance is really a hindrance.

  56. Bottom_Stuffer

    Isn’t it just preference for some, not always racism. I have not been with a man if color or other nationality, but not opposed.

  57. D

    Sexual preferences are understandable. Everyone is attracted to different types of people sexually. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s like chocolate ice cream, not every one likes the flavor. That doesn’t mean it isn’t GOOD ice cream, just everyone has their own favorite flavors. But to refuse to be friends with someone because of their race is just ignorant. Unfortunately, many of the men on these “dating” sites, no matter what they say, are really only looking for sex. And if you’re not their “flavor” they have no interest in you. I am white, I have experienced similar situations, not necessarily because of my race but I wasn’t their type. And even though their profile stated they were looking for friends, were rather disrespectful when I simply said hi. It doesn’t make any logical sense but it’s true and it happens alot. But if they are that ignorant, you deserve a better connection than that anyway. I mean would you rather make a nice friend who engages you in intelligent conversation? Or sit and talk to Patrick Star all day? 🙂

  58. Matt

    Wow I seek men with darker skin I am soo attracted to them I am fair skinned I believe olive to dark is so sexy ! But I am not only seeking darker boils down to the person. ! Believe it !!

  59. kw

    really race dosent bother me, if im on here im lookin for a guy to have some fun with, black white latino asian, dosent matter, long as they want to mess around and have some laughs.

  60. JC

    If you’re not attracted to someone because he’s too young, too old, too skinny, too fat, too hung, not hung enough…the list has just begun…then you probably won’t be sleeping with that person, right? Same thing with race. An attraction preference, pro or con, is just that–a preference. We all have ’em, but we don’t have to be rude about it.


    To refuse to simply chat online with, have a drink with, be part of a social scene with….someone you’re not sexually attracted to is crazy. And if you’re one of those who practices this discrimination and someone calls you on it, you probably deserve it.

  61. Hunter0500

    Rejection hurts. It doesn’t matter the reason. I get turned down/rejected/told “not interested” regularly. For some it’s because I”m over 25. For others, it’s because I’m over 35 … or 45 … or 50. For some, I’m not “slim”. For others, I’m not “athletic enough”. For some, I’m not smooth. For others, I’m not “hung.

    The day will come when I’m told it’s because I’m white. Or because I’m not Black or not Latino or not Asian. On that day, I won’t fall into the hateful trap of “r-a-c-i-s-m”. I’ll take it that they just are not turned on by how I look.

    Personally, I don’t care about a guys age, or build, or penis size. I don’t care if he’s Black, Latino, Asian, or the Green Man from Mars. My buds come in all of the former (well, except the Green Man from Mars).

    What I won’t “do” is a guy who is an Arrogant, Self-absorbed, Self-centered A-S-S. About that, yes. I’m a biggot.

  62. Galvin

    As a black man living in a city of bears and twinks I find it hard to meet guys that don’t expect me to be this thug top guy they jerk off to. Makes it hard to keep smiling while doors are being slammed in your face cuz I am not.

    The worst part: gay pron practically promotes this stereotype. Go to any gay porn site and search for “white top black bottom”, “White on Black”, or look at the interracial section. You will see what I mean.

    And don’t even get me started on guys that only date what looks like them, or the 40+ guy only into guys under 30. (personally I hate teaching. Its why I dont play with “str8” men)

    So whats the solution? Ctrl. Alt. Delete. Saw this on someones profile and it made sense and works for me.

    Control yourself.
    Look for Alternative solutions; Alter you perception of things
    Delete that which is not good for you.

    the other thing I do: I try not to let it affect me. Not an easy task but I know my sanity and self worth is more that a gaggle of idiots in prada


    Hey Guy–I Live in the deep-deep South (NEW ORLEANS) & You’ve never run into a bigger pack of racists (in what is supposed to be a liberal area)–There isn’t much you can do about it. I’m not certain about your overall physical attributes, but I’m lbs. of lean muscle and pretty well educated and well traveled. It kind of takes the edge off. For all the gay KKK members that are on line there are a few of them who actually have a partner or will ever get one–hate ain’t a good aphrodisiac nor does it make for a great life partner. Further–you reserve the right to exert your power of rejection on them as well. Some people don’t like it, but as black as I am my muscle and looks are major currency in the Gay world & while I may no measure up in terms of skin color–my trump card is most gay men’s achille’s heel—a hot body & a great attitude–FUCK THOSE NARROW-MINDED HILLBILLIES

  64. FreeRangeRadikal

    @Dom2014 You’re trying to find a logical answer to an illogical proposition. You’re wasting your time.

    Some people are racists. Some are sexists. Some are ageists. Some discriminate against another group to make them feel better about their group. And some think they’ve been through so much (they usually haven’t) that it gives them the right to discriminate against anyone who doesn’t happen to be them. Which would be everyone else.

    I was 17 before I had my first experience with a black male. I had had sex with a Puerto Rican guy from cherry-pop. I’ve been around the world, in 36 countries, and I’ve had sex in most of them. Variety is EVERYTHING! Having experiences with others not like yourself is part of getting to know who YOU are, and why some people don’t want to experience that is alien to me.

    Increasingly in the US, our republic is becoming more polarized, and it might be that certain ‘isms are on the rise, racism included. Maybe especially. But just know that what you believe, that color is superficial, is right, and, frankly, be glad that you don’t grace those beneath your dignity with the pleasures of YOUR flesh.

    You can hope that, one day, they’ll wake up and see the light, but as one of the characters of the great African-American storyteller, Percival Everett says, “Hopeful is another word for stupid!”


  65. ERIC

    I’m white and I prefer dark skinned guys but I find so many white guys who wish to psychoanalyze me because of that. On the West Coast I can’t believe dark skinned guys have this problem but then I’ve never asked any of them. As far as this youngster is concerned he doesn’t have a clue what he is missing but his reaction is over the top too over the top, he blocked you and that is very passive aggressive and over the top also, like maybe he hangs around friends who are racist and one of them was sitting over his shoulder. I say I liked black guys before it was popular, and in the beginning I would have sexual encounters with black guys and never let my white friends know until one day I said the hell with them, they know first hand what being discriminated against feels like and it’s not a good feeling. It is food for thought at how much personal friends can cultivate a racist attitude.

  66. NotARacist

    Ok of course racism is always an issue,but id like to ask a question,why is it always a black and white thing? If im not mistaken,asians are not exactly “”popular” when it comes to meeting men a white male,mixed with a little hawaiian,but i look more greek or italian id say,the point is,everyone has their right to choose,and unfortunately in the gay culture,we’re our own worst enemies..people have already assumed to put themselves in stupid categories like “twink” “cub”, “pig”, “bear” ,”leather”, etc,etc..its beyond if youre gonna make race an issue,then you have to include all these other groups too..also..ive read many profiles of african american men who ONLY like black men,or ONLY like white quit being a hypocrite about everything,its hard enough being gay already..i can honestly say a black male has a hot body,or a women has a hot body or gorgeous too,it doesnt mean i want to have sex with either!! Get real people!

  67. arleen

    I am white and I do not ask what color a person is when I am in the mood for some sex All I ask is if they are d/d free More than once I have went to meet with a guy and found out that they were black and I enjoyed my evening just the same Color has nothing to do with a good time

  68. Tancredo

    I think DK practically said it all I think about the subject. Myself as a mixed person have been object of this kind of discrimination and in many levels, not to mention the now added age factor. Let me tell you a story of one of my recent research to do porn. I was encouraged by a friend to apply for this Hispanic actor that runs a company targeted to the Hispanic audience. After gave all the information and pictures, I received this reply where the person (presumably the actor in his real name)rejected me based in the color of my skin (those who have seen my profile noticed I’m light cinnamon skin). He referred me as a black person and no with Hispanic features. I explained him that I am Hispanic and asked him what made him think I was not. Then he apologized but started jumping in excuses from the age and then place. I thanked him for the opportunity but asked to be deleted from his data because a person who comes with first prejudice and then excuses is not reliable to deal with. He became belligerent for that answer. I once again gave thanks and ended the conversation not without pointing to be learn a little of manners.

  69. Jason

    As a Caucasian male, I too only date, associate, and relate to other Caucasians exclusively. I don’t have anything against blacks or other races per se, but preference is preference in and out of the bedroom. I find culturally and personally not to have anything in common with blacks. I’m sure there are black individuals who feel the same toward Caucasians. Rather than the writer focus his energy on why certain Caucasians aren’t into him, why not focus that energy into finding others who are into him.

  70. Kawazi

    A reflection of the overlap between the larger culture that we live in and a sub-culture. Race is a bigger issue that transcends the gay community. Think of it in terms of overlapping circles, like a venn diagram. We are products of the culture in which we live. Since it remains an issue in the dominant culture, it is also a problem in the sub-culture. It is very enlightening to have the different points of view and I might add quite educational. I commend A4A for providing a forum for these issues. Hope more people are reading them and reflecting on their personal stance.

  71. truefun11

    Racial preference is not strictly limited to gay men. Racism is a learned ideal that, in the present, is learned from home. I am a black male born and raised in Tennessee. My elementary school only had 7 non-white students the entire time I was there and we were kin, brothers/cousins. I have dealt with my fair share of rejection due to my race. What I have learned is that you shouldn’t try to change someone’s opinion nor should you allow someone’s inability to handle the unknown make you ashamed of who you are. If they have a problem with your race, then it’s simply their problem. You must not forget that we are human and tend to fear ideals and people that are different. It all stems from fear whether it fear of what will others think or the stereotypes that are associated with different races. I live my life for me because life is too short to waste it fitting into box that can’t hold me. The best thing you can do is do you and live. There will always be people that don’t like you for that reason, and it is there right to date who they wanna date. It’s a free country and people can live their lives the way they seem fit. What kind of country would we be if people were forced to be with people that they are not sexually attracted too. I think it hurt more because you know there is nothing you can change about yourself in order to be with him. In actuality, do you actually think you and him would even mesh? The real problem is that we attracted to people that will be a detriment to our lives. We spend so much time focusing on the ones we don’t need that we miss blessing that is standing right in front of us.

  72. jace

    yep sadly raceisum is alive shute I feel bad for guy who posted this he sounds like very good guy shute I I no people who not white that I no people who are bi racial as well tow that I have good friend tow that I have seen people say the most bigosted things to them that shute if it were me I would be standing up for people instead of doing stupid shit like want people do that this world be a better place shute

  73. Ryan

    In my experience, those people who will not talk to you based on your skin color are the ones only looking for sex/NSA hookup, nothing more. That’s why they don’t wanna idle chatter with someone out of their sexual preferences.

  74. ron

    ive a bi racial friend ive known for a number of years and i adore him!
    ive also spoken to men (black) who DONT want white
    so it does goe two ways

  75. Bulldozer2010

    Personally I think we are all entitled to our own opinion towards blacks or monkeys what ever u wana call them. I personally don’t like the way they smell which when u mix cocoa butter and sweat it smells like piss. If we all had the same opinion of being carrying and loving we would all be black loving faggs . But I don’t like them cause they are rude ignerate loud obnoxious and think the world owes them everything ,they also play the race card well , the fact that they can wear their pants half off their ass and butcher the English language is rude enough we can keep going on and on but a simple not interested would have been fine but people will be people

  76. mike43068

    Why stop at racial discrimination. How about age, size, hairy, bald, the list goes on and on. I have had guys chat with me until they found out I was over 50, then I was a geezer. I don’t feel any different….my dick still works like theirs does. I bet with my experience I can suck their dick til their balls spin in their sack. I only wish some men would think before they open their mouths and show their ignorance.

  77. Brian

    Wow, those guys are really something. I say let them turn away the men of color, and I will gladly accept them into my world.Those guys are really foolish in my opinion, but the ones who they refused and dissed are always welcome here.!!

  78. Brian

    It is sad that in 2014 we still have racism like that. I am a heavy older guy(50) and I have guys that wont talk to me just because of my age or because I am a heavy guy. Its their loss if they don’t talk to you just because of your color. I am a white guy, Midwestern guy….I have ben in relationships with a black man, white man, an Asian man and now a Hispanic man….I think I am turned on by a smooth darker skinned guy or maybe they are more tolerant of me being heavy….I am not sure…but if you are a nice guy be sure you give guys a chance also. No matter what color you are there are guys out there for everyone, if you open up and get yourself out there. You didn’t state your age bt don’t give up.

  79. _Gainsbourg

    “Only whites and latinos get to touch this”.

    … latino isn’t a race. I am latino and I have brown skin. Some people are just stupid.

    The buffoon should’ve just stuck with “only whites regardless of ethnicity/nationality” but he’s a buffoon so self-explanatory.

    Racists, homophobes, etc. aren’t worth the energy.

  80. travis

    It s not the skin color that matters but the looks of the person…..If we re going to go with the first initial VISUAl…that is……But most guys automatically feel insecure when rejected and will grab onto whatever they feel will justify when the person rejected them…THEN use it against them and claim racism……We all like what we like and this younger generation has been raiser by parents who forced fed them the notion that if ppl don t like them..then FORCE it….make it EQUAL…let s all be friends….facts are guys are visual n if someone isn t attracted to certain races…it s a FACT an u can t change it……..some of it may be ignorance n they are in fact racist but many aren t…….I like black guys and have been w a few but i hate how their skin tastes..that doesn t make me a racist…

  81. Christian

    I see this and I deal with it often but I have one word to use and that is HATE. It happens in all races that I only date this or that. When you step out of hate and into love you will begin to see the kindness and the love in every person. So when you say you can’t find love? What have you done to block this from coming into your life. Don’t put yourself in a box because love can knock on your door and be any race and love is beyond color it is stronger than anything because it is truly the one special gift from God….

  82. Aaron

    wow….and I thought people mixing a simple greeting with a hook up invitation/rejection was bad enough…..this is straight up racism =/

  83. Mark B

    Welcome to my world and I’m white!

    The only difference?

    You speak English, I don’t. I use ASL. Many guys freak out when they realize that I can’t “talk” to them! They want to hear sound to please their audistic pleasures.


    There are two things we have to consider in today’s world, what we want and what we dont. I remember i had the same experience with a black guy though, who doesnt go out with latin men or find them attractive. I felt extremly pissed off by this but then it dawned on me. Maybe, people just have a set of preferences and maybe its not discrimination that the guy was directing towards me (But, sometimes it is that because there are hateful people who just wont be with someone.)

    But to the writer of this topic, i will tell him this: When one guy turns you down, another opens his arms (possibly legs), dont be discouraged by what a few say. With time, you will find someone who really could care less. They will know what all of us know, that sexy is sexy no matter what skin tone you are.

  85. Ryan

    First of all, that random’s person’s reply to the original poster was TOTALLY RACIST. Calling someone an “ugly monkey” has overtones of racist tendencies.. Having taken classes on racism, there is a pattern of how racist people try to belittle the human body to something “less than human”. And within the context of American history, the problem of racism still plagues this country.. So mean, rude doesn’t even cut it. Sorry you had to go through that my friend.

    As far as this “preference” goes, I agree with the poster DK that all this is all learned and passed on to generations (Great points btw DK i wish i could have read your would be post for A4A). I always have a hard time explaining to some of my white gay friends how my experince as a Pacific Islander gay man differs from theirs and how being “white” is valued in this country.

    A person may gain preference for one ethnic group to another in a sexually setting, but it is easier to see if this cultural prefence extends larger to a broader setting in their life. If those same individuals only maintain friendships with Whites or of people who have the same ethnic or racial background, would be called to question. I would imagine those individuals lacking any sense of what the real, global world.

    So to DOM2014, try your luck in other guys and ignore that bastard. If you find that there are people are being stupid, call them out on their ridiculous notion about their preferences. I know I do. If they haven’t even tried it, then how can you make an informed opinion about what you like and don’t like.

  86. supercutebttm

    having been a grunt in the marine corps for 7 years and still currently on active duty, rascism blows my mind. dont get me wrong we talk sooooo much shit to each other but thats the cost of being around ragging testosterone and a group of all alpha males. but its kinda like the brother concept we can talk shit to each other but no one else dare. when i hear shit like this it pisses me off because very good friends of mine are black and i have lost 2 of them to war. ii have questioned my personal sacrifices many times due to our ungreatful society. but on the plus side it leaves more of u sex black men for me!!!! i fucking love my tall dark men hahaha. just keep that head up and let bitches be bitches. a closed mind will never experience a full life. keep the hate out and the love in.

  87. If_i_was

    Personally I don’t have no issue with guys an their skin tone or color, I like to give credit where it’s due. I’m personally not attracted to Asian guys but I come across some real handsome ones, if not handsome, stunning.
    So many times I’ve had guys call me names which have made me think ‘what did I do to upset you’. I’ve always been told never mind about what people call you because there will always be somebody who will love and enjoy the skin you were born in.
    I always say if somebody has an issue with you, embrace it to a point where it makes them question their own life about certain things they say and do. Some may say thy don’t have time for that but I always see it as doing a good deed. People who have something racist to say to others are no better than anybody else. I always say we bleed the same way.
    Never give another person the chance to make you feel down because of the skin color or tone you was born in, always love yourself an take care of yourself (even if it means not replying to a person who sends you a message with a racist remark).
    Racism is a thing where it will never die out. Interracial relationship are becoming more frequent in today’s society, when I say that I mean it’s the new normal. I once knew a guy who had racist parents, his partner was black an everyone got on like a house on fire. So to me it’s all about taking the time out to get to know an individual instead of painting everyone with the same brush. I can go on forever about this topic but I will leave my comment there.

  88. Tom

    Damn, what ever happened to plain old fashioned politeness and manners? If you want to be a racist bigot, fine, go live in your own private hell, but please don’t drag anyone else down there with you.
    A simple, “Sorry, you’re not my type”, would have sufficed.

  89. Jimmy D

    It all has to do with attraction (what turns the person on). Does not matter what anyone says its the turn on factor. If skin color is the ultimate deciding factor and that it did not matter then we would all be sleeping with each other. Its unfortunate that you received an inappropriate, immature and tactless remark. There are other ways to let a person down without hurting their feelings. If its any consolation, I can definitely relate for I too got the same remark one day. Luckily for me I have a loving, caring, drop dead gorgeous hunk of burin love of 15 years to help me thru such a rude remark. The best advice I can give you is there are other tube steaks out there to choose from and that the rude person don’t know what he is missing. I’m sure you could have rocked his world. So Carpe Diem I say and eat up that buffet and don’t forget the parfait!! Everyone has a hunk of burnin love wait for them just around the corner.


    See what I mean.. Heh heh.

    Love, peace and hair grease, y’all.

  90. Maxwell Head

    It baffles me to see a preference for a specific race equated with racism. Has anyone even opened up a dictionary to read the definition of racism?

    The main definition is:
    a belief or doctrine that inherent differences among the various human races determine cultural or individual achievement, usually involving the idea that one’s own race is superior and has the right to rule others.

    A lesser definition is the hatred of a race or members thereof.

    The people who posted here that stating a preference is racism are fooling themselves (and showing tremendous ignorance).

    I like white guys. I’m white. I’m not looking to meet and date a black or oriental guy – period. No interest.

    And miraculously, none of what I said is racist.

  91. replay86

    I see it everyday. Gay people can be so superficial sometimes. No wonder we r not received well by society. Sometimes u just want a good friend to hang with. Why do u need to be someones type to be their friend? What quality of friendship could that possible amount to?

  92. Matthew889

    Its very sad. I have had similar experiences because of my skin color but thankfully I have made good friends from this site who are of different races, cultures and backgrounds. Some men are just ignorant and scared to try new things. Love is LOVE, it doesn’t have skin color or race so get with the program.

  93. gabber_az

    I don’t know what to tell you, other than to suggest that you move forward and built your own self-worth knowing that that other person, and all of those other people, have limited views that aren’t your fault. It isn’t your fault that this person feels the need to be so awful toward you, and typically people like this have something going on in their lives that they don’t know how to deal with.

    I’ve never seen racism, like I have in the gay male community, anywhere else. It’s inherent in a self-obsessed, sex-driven community. But there are those who are above it, and they are above it because they have knowledge and self-confidence. Most of those people have commented here.

    So, again. Those people are either worthless, or they just don’t have the maturity and wisdom to understand that they need to treat others with respect. It’s hard to accept that a lot of the time, especially for people who don’t understand what would drive a person to be such a dick. But it’s an acquired skill. Those people don’t determine your self worth. You do.

  94. robo42

    It all comes down to narrow minds. I support this guy’s story 100% in that I am mixed Black and White, often mistaken for Latino or White. The whole “Latino or White” concept seems to be what cyberspace wants. I often have encounters where people hit me up then as I get to know them more they ask “what are you mixed with” and as soon as they hear Black, they become unresponsive. Or if we’re in person they look at me up and down in shock, disbelief, or dis-interest. It ends up wasting my time getting to know them in the end. Yes I’m white-ish skinned but not white in race so its not only about color, but people’s narrow minds lead them to ideas about what a certain race should look or act like … what is “attractive” and what is “ugly”. (And lets face it, the internet is a cruel place even with the issue of race aside). Narrow minds create a Euro-centric standard of beauty in the gay world.

  95. Tom

    hey Frank..i was going to say the same thing about us older guys
    fod forbid a guy younger than me would want to meet up n have sume fun…..but there are some who dont mind and actually prefer an older guy to b with
    sum younger guys just get hot n horny n meet n shoot
    thats it……and older guy likes to take his time and not just have sex he likes to make long lasting love n when he does cum both guys will feel great
    when i was growing up i heard my dad n friends talking one day n mostly about how they didnt get hard any more
    they were in their late 50’s early 60’s
    so as i got older i thought well the day will b here when i wont b able to have sex any more,,,,,,,well im now 67 years old n still get hard and still shoot my cum where i want to lol
    i have no real preference about meeting any color of guy….mostly its how close we live to each other

  96. piercednips

    I think all this race issues is a bunch of BS. I have NO PROBLEM talking to anyone who messages me. Just because I messages u back don’t men I want to be FUCKED by u. Its a matter of respect and I try to message everyone back. if I miss someone im SORRY. My preference is black men but that don’t mean I want to have sex with all black men. there has to be some kind of acttraction there. That being said, maybe he just didn’t like your look for some reason. If u want to message me, I want say u are too dark or I don’t do black men. that’s just my take on it for what its worth.

  97. howboutnoon

    A dick is a dick is a dick and he’s a big one.
    I’m an old white guy, likes whites and some white latins, but that is a preference for my libido…
    The person you hit on was a racist idiot. There are lots out there.. Move forward with the knowledge you didn’t meet him face to face and that’s a good thing

  98. studfinder1

    Its not only skin color , I am white , I have gotten blocked because I am older then they like , I smoke , or I drink , or a few pounds over weight . I see no harm in chatting with anyone , friends these day’s are hard to come by , even just chat friends , just because I chat with someone doesn’t mean that I want to have sex with them, but I figure the one’s that block you because you don’t meet there spec’s are just looking for sex and if you don’t meet there requirements they don’t want to even chat with you , so just take it as it’s saving your time too, who wants friends like that , even chat friends , I figure it’s there loss

  99. Roy

    Didn’t all of your rant. I am Black, not African American. Africa is fuckin continent. Just like Asia, Europe ect. Live an in USA , born an raised. Luv being Black, or Negro!!! Fuck a bitch as punk that calls others a monkey. We all know his punk ass is fucken a maggot, roach eating cock sucker. Support you own, cuz!!! Fuck a white maggot!!!! Never give the white devil the time of day!!!!

  100. Chance

    That’s sexy id love to blog about me and my man ace eeve been together 5 years and it all started off when my uncle sent to jail and my best friend moved in and started fucking my aunt but was sleeping in my bed every night cause we lived with my grandparents we’ve had some intense sex in the woods in his parents house who all think he’s straight but we’ve gotten. Caught up before and its known jus not talked about ; lol oh yea and my aunt ended up having twins by him before my uncle got out ta jail lol

  101. Alleycat of Chicago

    Don’t let this bitch ass punk ignorassmus get to you. One day it’ll catch up with him. I’m Puerto Rican which means I’m of Black African, White Spaniard and Native Indian mixes. I’ve dated almost every color and creed age and sexual role, ugly fat skinny pretty in the world and found ALL races think they’re better than the rest. One day, if not already, will be hurt too. My ex hubby of 17 years started off racist, but after mingling with my wide rainbow of STRAIGHT friends, he’s now attracted. to different races and opened his mind. This feller WILL have his bad day. Move on to your next cutie, boo!

  102. Steve

    Hi as someone who has been around a while I have some sound advice for you. I am of mixed heritage and I constantly run into what you are going through. When I post pics online without my head, everyone wants to have my baby. once I send a face pic I am no longer acceptable.
    First off realize that there is nothing wrong with you. You can’t let who you are be defined by someone who has never met you and don’t know who you are in person. The online thing is a game to most people. They see you as a tile and not as the person you really are. Don’t take it personally. Everyone gets rejected for one reason or the other. If you want to meet people, better to do that in peron. Join a club, go to a place where people appreciate who you are. You will have much better luck figuring out if someone likes you when they talk to you and when they smile at you … very hard to know online.
    Most of the guys online are looking for some ideal that doesn’t exist: white, blonde hair, blue eyes, chiseled abs. Its what is in our gay rags as being beautiful. Until that changes, that is what most people will think is the standard.
    Put your focus on the people who are interested in you. Go to parties that friends throw. Do you really want to be friends with someone who is small minded anyways? Its not worth your time, you are much better than that. Yes we live in an age where racism is supposedly gone. But it exists loud and clear in the gay community. Its not only in Colorado. I see it and experience it everyday in San Jose and San Francisco. People say that “its a preference” when really what it is is they think you are someone inferior because you are darker. The one thing that I have found that is sexy is confidence. Be confident in who you are. Here is what I tell myself— you only need to find one person who likes you to make yourself happy. You don’t need the approval of hundreds of assholes. Yes it is not going to be as easy for you to find partners as your lighter counterparts, but focus more on getting to that one person. If someone is an asshole, don’t waste your time. One less small-minded asshole to deal with. Karma is going to deal with him. Trust me, there are people out there who think you are attractive. If you have never traveled before, take a trip to Amsterdam or Berlin. Go to Atlanta, NY, or DC. You will be surprised at how things can change just by changing locations. Know who you are and define yourself. Do not let others define you.

  103. Ivan

    I definitely believe that one can change their “preferences” through education and one’s will. I use to only be into Latino and Asian men when I first came out. My first boyfriend was predominately Latino, and my second was Asian. At a glance, I am African. When most uneducated people meet me, all they pay attention to is my dark skin. By heiritage, I’m African, Latin, and Asian. But because of the trama I went through, being denied all of my heiritage by white people, and other people of color, I resented being part African. I resented having dark skin.

    As I grew older, and I looked inside myself and I allowed myself to love African culture. I learned to love my skin, and those who live the life I do. . And now, open to dating all who are connected to my race. Whether they are African, Latin, or Asian. I won’t say I don’t have my moments where I wish I didn’t have to go through what I do, but I’ll never go back to hating myself for being born the way I am. To be brown isn’t easy, and the last thing I need is someone who doesn’t understand that… You’re better off not going down that road.

  104. annoyed by you

    I’m so sick of dark skin guys complaining and playing the race card.. I bet these are the same people who won’t talk to someone who’s too fat IR too short or too old or has a small dick.. Everyone has there likes and dislikes if your dismissed cause of your color deal with it

  105. David

    Someone making such a rude comment to another person borders on psychopathology more than anything else (which seems to be more and more pervasive in the gay community these days) so I wouldn’t even put too much attention to it. Just be happy that you didn’t end up talking to or engaging with such a person.

    I found that many of the more analytic posts spoke about the white man being “the desired standard” for a partner which is all well and good, and us black men are “fetishized” and just sought after for our “ethnic flavors!” But it is sad that even the whitest of couples are not able to keep it together in a relationship for more than a few months in this very sorry lifestyle!!!

    Honestly, I’m a young man in my twenties and I’m beginning to feel saddened and ashamed by the fact that I am gay! I regret having even associate with some of the gay men that I meet!

  106. Here's What

    I think its great for guys to have preferences on their profiles whether its racial, sexual, or whatever. As a black male, I have no problem with other races excluding blacks. The story doesn’t say but IF that profile made it clear whites and latinos he was the idiot for sending the message and got what he deserved PERIOD! I have white and latinos message me ALL the time looking for dick, I just simply ignore them. Some guys just have a more aggressive approach and there’s nothing wrong with it. We are MEN and not little girls so stop being pussies about random guys online.

  107. bsb1016

    Racism among ourselves should be the thing of the past. It’s 2014 and it is a shame that racism is still exist in some parts of the country in some ways. If we love and respect ourselves, then we should respect others no matter hoe different we are. God did not make everyone alike. If he did, life would be boring. There is a reason God made all of us different and God made no mistakes. We can’t judge people by their appearance. Please know someone’s character first before making conclusions who you would talk to or be friends with. You will miss out. Online it is extremely aggregating when I say hello and how it is going to someone and they block you before you get an opportunity to know them. I don’t necessarily want anything from you but maybe just a conversation or at least a hello back. We are all in the same boat where people are judging us for being gay and yet we are fighting among ourselves instead of lifting each other up and encouraging each other. For some people who don’t go out, this is the only outlet they may have. So treat others no matter how different they are, the way you want to be treated. Personally, I don’t want to be turned down because of race. No one can do anything about their skin color in which they are born with. I’m proud of my skin color. It should matter who we date. I look for character in a person as well as intelligence, sophistication, kind, and someone who believes all men are created equal and goal oriented. Every potential person comes in all shapes and sizes as well as all colors. Don’t dismiss difference or you will miss out. I love difference and diversity. That is how we learn and grow. Some areas of the US are worst in racism than other areas. I encourage everyone to just open up your minds. Attitude will determine altitude in your life no matter what it is.
    . Everyone should date who they want no matter the skin color as long as they love each other with respect. Personality goes a long ways. Skin color should not matter who you date, be friends with, or anything. So those who have a problem with diversity, get over yourselves. Its 2014. This should not be an issue anymore.

  108. Tony

    Preference dude. Everybody has preferences you probably hit him up on an off day or he may have had a bitter experience with a dark skinned person. And now he has his hang ups on dark color. Who knows every body had a preference in what they want and what they don’t want that day. Who knows he may want dark meat on a another day. It probably just wasn’t your day. It happens to everybody u just have the privilege to write about it as a topic and get the feed back that u already know but just want others to reassure u on.

  109. Cooper

    It’s ok to like what you like, and to be attracted to a subset of men sexually. But there is no reason to be rude. If all you want is sex, then just say, “I’m sorry, but I’m just looking to hook up and looking for a specific type.” The kind of behavior the original poster mentioned is abhorrent and I can only hope karma hits the asshole with a clue-by-four hard.

    Personally, I try to be polite, even to those who I’m not sexually interested in. I try to keep in mind that, just because I don’t want to sleep with someone, doesn’t mean we couldn’t at least be online friends if not in-person friends. Not everything is sex-related.

  110. Greg

    I don’t think it’s as simple as internalized racism. In this
    particular case, the guy was just plain rude. That has more to do with manners. For me, I prefer mixed color skin, who the fuck knows why. It’s a fetish… I imagine it tastes better, but there are also cultural cues that are associated with desire along with pure aesthetic. Do I, can I identify with him, his clothes, his background? But what puts lead in your pencil is what puts lead in your pencil… It’s hard to fault someone on that. What one can and should be accountable for is manners.

  111. TEXSON

    Interestingly this topic only comes up when a BLACK GUY is attempting to gain the attention/interest of a WHITE / LATIN / ASIAN GUY…This topic isn’t as flat as SKIN COLOR- If that were true then people wouldn’t tan. It’s your RACE/ ETHNICITY and everything that comes with being Black; culture / history / stigma / stereotype…you name it- None of the GOOD shyt,just all the NEGATIVE CRAP- YOU represent it in the eyes and minds of a bigot/racist. To be Black in America is a balancing act that even if you DON’T want to participate,there’s the occasional boo-boo that will heap a whole buncha mess on you. The best you can ever hope to do is develop a thick(er) skin,remain open but not naive to the fact that Part of the fabric of American history is tainted with ignorance.Not saying become militant-just more aware of how the world we live in works,and then kick ’em in the balls when they try to shade you.

  112. einathens

    You can’t apply logic to conditioned responses.

    I’m an equal-opportunity perv. Don’t understand why anyone would cut themself off from the majority of potential sex partners.

    That being said, I wouldn’t sleep with someone to whom I’m not attracted just to prove soneone else’s point about political correctness.

    I suggest a compromise to the ‘no__________/__________ only’ construction, which I find quite rude and not at all mitigated by disclaiming that it’s ‘just a preference.’

    How about ‘I’m looking for someone like me’ ? Or ‘I’d like to explore ___________ men for a while.’

  113. Hawaii

    Some people are on here for mainly sex and some people are on here for more. I get rejected by many white guys for being Asian but I still prefer Caucasian guys sexually. I think I’m conditioned to liking whites and they arouse me most. Honestly, my profile isn’t on here to make a lot of friends and have a “human connection”. I’m more in it for the sex and fwb aspects, so I ignore a lot of people. I don’t excuse rude behavior where someone degrades you for your ethnicity, but I do believe that some people just don’t want to talk and so they’ll block you. I’ve blocked people for constantly talking to me after I’ve told them I’m not interested.

  114. john

    I don’t really know why some Guys are this way I like all Men 🙂 But a Darken Skinned Guy is “HOT” They have the Best Muscle definition & Awesome Lovers !!!! 🙂

  115. ssailormansfo

    The rudeness of this guys reply means he has very low self esteem and is trying to bost it by belittling/rude to other people. He is in pain, low self esteem is very painful but seldom people realize where the pain is coming from so they blame it on others. Having compassion for another usually boosts your own self esteem, as it should. It show intelligence, perhaps enlightenment and that you have self esteem.

    I try to have pity and forgive rude/stupid people because they are in so much personal pain. In the end commpassion, love and forgiveness leave you feeling better then anger, hate, etc. I think that hate, anger, negitivity can cause cancer and other things because they are toxic.

    You are a product of what and how you think, its simple but yet profound.
    “the inner creates the outer” is a quote from Hermes

  116. eric

    If someone rejects you as a potential sex partner based only on your skin color, that’s prejudice. Literally. They’re judging you before knowing you.

    If someone pursues you as a sex partner based only on your skin color, that’s fetish. They’re discounting the totality of you and basing their arousal on that one factor.

    Either way, why would you give a rat’s ass about their opinion of you? And why would you want to sleep with them anyway?

    There are plenty of niche market hookup sites catering to every subset of ethnicity or proclivity. Perhaps we could have a blog story on some of them, or the next time this topic comes up again (and it will) people could post a few of them.

  117. simplyhead

    Unfortunately, people are ignorant.
    This is not a site looking for friends though.
    Everyone does have their preferences, what they are attracted to in others. Im white, and 41. You are undesirable to many if you’re older than 40! Ive been talked to rudely like that from guys that are even older than me!
    It shouldnt matter if people have on their profiles what they are attracted to, but they dont have to be rude.
    You wouldnt want a guy like that as a friend anyway….
    Come on guys… stop asking why and move on!







  119. steven

    Yes I do agree that everyone has their own preference. But let’s be honest with the way things are going society is going backwards. I to have noticed the ignorance a lot of these guys have especially on this dating site. When someone speaks to you like that amd not letting you speak is just pure hate and ignorant. It’s 2014 people we have to get passed racism. If someone hits you up and that person is just not your preference then let them know. Be an adult and have a decent humane conversation.

  120. Overcomer

    Racism has been around since antiquity (Biblical times). The world really has not changed all that much since then. If you ask me, it appears that race relations has gone in the opposite direction over the last 10 years or so. Seems like it’s getting worse instead of better to me.

  121. Kevin Brown

    You guys sound like a bunch of 1950′ s bigots! It is Imperative that most of you all get a Passport & travel Outside of the USA and beyond! Your pov is so narrow! Please stop offending people White/ Black or other… Most of these comments sound like battered women… Get some back bone.. Stop offending..

  122. Latino

    I believe that we must see the difference between preference and outright racism. I personally, as a Latino male, do not find African American men attractive for the most part. I will be very upfront when someone messages me stating that we are not sexually compatible. However, that does not mean I will not be friends with them. They are humans who deserve connections like the rest of us. I also respect that some people are not attracted to Latinos. It does not bother me.

    As far as a logically explanation? I am sure it has to do with hidden racial views that are suppressed from childhood. I know my parents are a little racist and I have tried to rise above that. Whatever the reason, however, this doesn’t seem like it will be disappearing anytime soon. In fact, it is indeed getting worse. I would like to point out that skin color isn’t the only discriminating factor people use. Weight, height, cock size, etc are all things people will turn you away for. My last question is why do we not get so offended by these like we do with race?

  123. Krenim

    It’s not about skin color or race it’s about personal preference. Some people like skinny guys while others like large guys. Same with height and cock size.

  124. Kim Melchior

    It is not only because of color that people get rejected. It is also very often because of age. I think those who unilaterally rejects other people because of for example age or color are the big losers. Consider yourself lucky that you didn’t waste your time with him.I get rejected because of my age. Many younger gays don’t realize they will be older some day, at least if they live long enough. I had a guy respond to me a few days ago asking what I thought I was, a De Caprio or Brad Pitt. My response was “No, If I was why would I waste my time with someone like you” Boy he got P….. off.

  125. Ceece

    As ridiculous as it is, I’ve encountered many times. I also live in KY. I know where I’m from. Do not let that get to you baby. See, I’m 40 years old and still can give anyone out there a run for their money. I’m a beautiful black man, and I don’t need confirmation. Those who choose to be single-minded will never know my sense of humor, my awesome voice, my beautiful, accepting family etc. I could go on and on. So can you. I heard said before” you cannot graft a new idea to a closed-mind. So keep ya head up and keep moving forward. Love ya!

  126. Axel

    This is a sex site and my goal here is to get laid! Unfortunatly, I haven’t ever met, ‘my type’ on this site but I have gotten laid! I see this web-site as a complimentary source for meeting guys. I am also able to meet guys in the city, in bars, at cultural events, while on walks, and even in the supermarket! Why are you here? Are you hoping for some type of universal acceptence here? Do you have some type of sordid view on dating that the people you like are going to like you too? Personally, if someone were to attempt to put me down in his first message, I would accept it as him rejecting me – for every reason. When his reason for rejecting me is based on my race, so be it! Do you know that some guys here are afraid of dick? Do you know that some guys here don’t want to get next to ass? Many people here are lonely and many of them don’t get out much and really don’t have opportunities to meet with other gay men in diverse settings. Give these guys a break! They don’t have the exposure to other gay men that you may be fortunate enough to have. And believe me, most of the guys responding to you like that just want attention and don’t know how to deal with the attention once they get it. Why do you think he blocked you from being able to further contact him? I think it’s safe to say that he knows better and was ashamed. What I am saying is, please don’t let these guys bring you down. Learn from how the experience made you feel and go forward with the awareness that other people here might not be on-line with the same motivation you have. And please, stop it with all the crying about it. Everyone does not have to be nice to you! And whether you want to believe it or not, racist are welcomed here too!

  127. Tim

    Some of you have extremely negative views of your fellow citizens; why do you continue to live here? You’re free to leave. That said, the core issue here is basic civility. I wish Adam would let us flag messages and it just profiles. I’m an older guy that often sends messages to guys complimenting their profiles. I get some “thanks”, some solicitations, and very infrequently a mean reply. I’m hung do get a lot of messages from guys who “profile” me. I try to be civil, but after a certain point (10+ messages?) I do block guys…

  128. mike

    There is a logical reason , for the same reason some guys arent attracted to fem , masc, twinks , older its personal unchangable biological instilled preferences has nothing to do with black men or latino it is about what your taste are , stop taking everything so personal look at thing for the way they really are lifes more enjoyable if you stop over complicating it or making issues where there are none . Trust theres more important things to be concerned about than our over zealous vanity , some you guys just kill me .

  129. Preferences-NameCalling

    I do not mind if an individual prefers certain aspects for a sex partner…or chat buddy…be it race…age…ethnicity…poz status…bot…top…but if someone takes it to the point of name calling, you are better off not connecting with him.

    After vast experiences…the “racism” part of this sex equation is not that important to me….but the name-calling definitely slides along OTHER PREFERENCES. Intelligence…economic standing…politics…

    Luckily, any individual can BLOCK another….and maybe the person that was “called a monkey” should have been quicker BLOCKing than the name caller.

    A funny comparison…here on A4A…an individual can just not respond or block or reach out and chat or touch someone or be an ass…but then you go to FACEBOOK and about the only thing you can do is IGNORE or LIKE someone…and the problem with FACEBOOK…I get bombarded with ultra right wing conservatives and I CANNOT get rid of them.




  131. Charlie

    I am sorry that happened Dom but there are idiots of all colors out there. I grew up in a town with one family of blacks. We played together, ate together, did everything and don’t remember anyone saying anything about their color. They were just another family. I remember the first black man I met for sex. We chatted a few times, we called and had a nice talk and finally agreed to meet. He was a Middlebury College student so when I got to his room he answered the door and said come on in if you dare. I laughed and asked why I would not dare and he said that he never told me that his skin was black so if I wanted to leave I could. He told me that being in Vermont was the hardest thing because everyone here hates black people. Well I think I changed his mind that day and have prayed since then that no one would ever hate him again for being born a different color.

  132. Charlie

    Happens to me all the time. I am not from America and live in the South and so I thought that was confined here. I guess it happens all over.

  133. Kevin Heyward

    The fact of the matter is this…..We aren’t in a post-racial society where everyone’s gonna gather around and sing cumbiya. It’s just not gonna happen. Here it is 2014, here we have our first Black president and he’s not getting any respect whatsover. If they can disrespect him and he’s the President of the united states, what do you think they will do for you?! I don’t about where you are, But here in New York, it’s still very racial segragated here. Not to be a doo doo stirer, But the problem is this. There is still no acknowledgement that there’s racism and most are still very racist. And young man, please remember this…You were made by God just like the rest of us, and you’re intitled to the same respect that everyone else is. And if it had been me talkin to that white man and he dissed me, I’d consider it a blessing…Why?? For it’s better for you to know he feels one way rather than think he cares for you and wind up hurt in the long run. Of course everyone isn’t racist. And everyone’s entitled to be into whomever they please. With that being said, go find someone who likes you as much as you like them…Have a great day

  134. Kevin Heyward

    I also need to say this. We as gay men are always hollering and screaming that no one accepts us. But the way we treat each other sometimes is a crying shame. No fat, fems, no blacks, no whites no old heads etc: We need to start learning to treat others as we care to be treated. You wouldn’t believe some of the nastiness and rudeness I’ve encounter on here and that’s from other black men like me.
    I’ve said that to say that some of us are no better than some of the nasty, racist asses that are out here.
    It’s time to get it together

  135. Osei

    There are those who hide behind the “walls” of the computer to bash others. If you are a friend to someone who post on here their racist views of others, you may want to re-think your friendship.

    Each of us have a preference. I like college educated preppy guys over 35. However if someone at 23 hits me up and say Sup!! I will respond “Hello”. Most time people will go away after an hour since they were able to jerk off and lost the sexual interest that we men have. However to launch a bully attack on another person, show complete ignorance of how we have all gotten here to be posting on line after decades of fighting for equality. Equality means respecting others for who they are…. it is time the gay community wake up and move those who choose to behave in this hostile manner into the time out corner where they need to sit and think about what they are doing to others.

  136. Charles

    I’ve never get upset when someone rejects me for any reason. I really don’t care what other guys think of me based on my skin color(white), hair color(red), HIV Status(Positive-undetectable). We all have our preferences. I know I’m a great guy, great in and out of bed, I give and well as receive. I am just so tired of the racism cries in this country. No one likes everyone. Personally, just not aroused by black men but have many as friends. Somewhat aroused by asians(I play around with a very fit asian guy who is very nice and very hot). Latino men are ok. Not into all of them but some Latino guys turn me on. I also have a special attraction to other redheads…..If anything I get rejected more for being a redhead than for being hiv+!

  137. Gooddrkmeat

    Sorry to read about this,but that is life,u will b ok.u ran after the wrong one.the homo life can b f”up at times.some guys luvs color,body types,dick sizes,u maybe the same and dont know it.i dont like young men 20-30’s,dont like men who never fuck women and so on,but thats me.

  138. Psychopath!

    Listen honey,
    I was going to tell you to find happiness within yourself to find men of your own race attractive but you live in Colorado so this is complicated. I’m a New Yorker and we see this racial hang-ups in most of our gay establishments, which is the reason why most older gays stay home or go to sex parties, where the judgment isn’t as spiteful, imposed to a coward being anonymous on the other side of a computer screen. I’m not saying racism is inevitable but maybe it’s the venues your trying to attract these men. Nothing against Adam because I’ve met my share of races here but Adam is just a network to meet men, it doesn’t determine what kind of men and it can’t pick out who has had a decent, upbringing to leave that racist crap off the site. Unfortunately it’s your environment, and if you really like these type of dudes you say you go after, then just know the bigger the city the more evolved you may find these types. It’s never guaranteed but you have a better shot at it. However love yourself and learn to enjoy all the beautiful creatures roaming the earth. It’s not blond and blue that’s beautiful my friend. Ciao

  139. Bryan Johnson

    I don’t know why we have to read “racism” into everything in our culture. Different people are attracted to different types. Why? Who knows. I am a gay, white male. I am attracted to African/African-descendant Black men. I am attracted to those with very dark skin. Why? I don’t know. I am also attracted to men with very strong, dominant, even arrogant personalities rather that quiet, mild types or effeminate men. Why? I don’t know. Does this make me a racist? No. I love all people regardless of color, masculinity level, sex, religion, even politics and treat all with respect because they have dignity. But, if I reject the advances of a white man, an East Indian, an oriental it is not because I think of them in a lesser way; it is because I am not attracted to them sexually. Why? I don’t know.

  140. dslavereturned

    Being an original Dutch citizen I’m living in the Philippines now because I met someone online, went to visit him for holidays and decided I want to live here. Because I always liked men with a dark(er) skin. I guess that’s a form of discrimination as well when we take the meaning of the word literally. Apart from being attracted to darker men I never cared about skin color at all. I prefer to see the human being. Are you cool, friendly, well mannered with a great taste for humor…..that’s all I need. Character is most important.

  141. Unouwantit66

    I hate this I am in Colorado Springs as well and I see it frequently, not just with men I color but guys saying “eww no you’re white.” If that’s what we are judging people on we have a problem, I don’t judge people in the color of their skin but on their intelligence level and if I can hold a conversation with them. We are gay, large groups of society already label and dislike us for our sexual orientation why should we further discriminate against one and others skin color. If you dislike someone let it be for yet character and actions and not the color of their skin.

  142. Sean

    I can’t help but laugh at comments suggesting people should be fine with chat buddies and friends. A4A, though it contains a mixture of people, is primarily a site for sex. A majority of those I come across are looking for sex and even if they say they aren’t it doesn’t take long for it to come up. I’ve done the chatting thing with plenty of people and it always turns into them wanting to hookup regardless of their initial claims. “I’m not usually into hookups but….”

    People care less about “you” and more about what they’re attracted to physically. Skin color is a physical characteristic just like any other. People yell and stomp their feet about racism but not every preference is “racist”, though they tend to be racial. Tons of people don’t like larger guys but people don’t get up in arms about it. If a little person was complaining about people not wanting to talk to them I don’t think they’d find the same sympathy and those who try to express it would likely be the same people who would ignore a message from that person.

    This is not to say that there aren’t racist motivations at times. However you can’t automatically assume that. I also think its rude to list exclusionary features in profiles but again, it’s a sex site. You can’t claim that dark skin is beautiful without acknowledging that to some others it simply may not be.

  143. Ross

    It’s sad that many believe it’s a crime to be black, but in my mind that’s what they want us to think. I’ve never let my skin color stop me from wearing certain clothes, going certain places or doing certain things. In my mind, it doesn’t matter if you are white, black, Hispanic, Asian. If you can do it, so can I. CAN’T isn’t in my vocabulary. I’ll never restrict myself or let someone or people restrict me.

    USERNAME: Ross92s

  144. Papi D

    Its really pretty simple….trying to really understand human behavior, is like trying to smell the number 9….point? You can’t! Hiding behind a keyboard and a screen gives the person the ability to say WHATEVER the hell they want with NO RESPONIBILITY or consqueces…..if they don’t want to hear it they block you. This is what people have come to on the internet.

  145. Joe

    I see this often being in a bi racial gay relationship. Their is to many out there that does not care how they talk to others or treat them. This guy may have had a nice body, but his insides just killed it. He could have just said “hello” back and if it got to the point of sex talk said ” I am sorry not really my type.” I have guys of all races and age hit me up often. I have never been into older guys or hairy guys, it is just a turn off for me sexually. I am not rude or mean to them if it gets that far with them I say ” I am sorry, but you are really not my type.” and go from their. Yes, some do come back with a rude comment and some say thanks for being up front. I always say “Treat others as you want to be treated.” If this guy did this he was not worth your time. So just be thankful for that and don’t let it get you down. Their is always someone out there that for everyone.

  146. Corey Holmes

    I deal with a similar situation almost daily at my job, although the racist responses directed towards me are much more understated. I’m a stripper at the Nob Hill Adult Theatre in San Francisco – I know, one of the last places in this country that racism should be an issue, right – and after performing there part-time almost daily for the past 2 years, I’ve noticed a very obvious pattern. A large amount of our clientele are Caucasian men middle-aged and older. After a while of observation, I’ve noticed that their racial tastes run almost exclusively towards men of fairer complexion, i.e. White, Latin & Asian. Several times when I’ve stepped out on stage to do my performance, I’ve had men quickly get up out of their seats and leave the theatre before I even begin, and other times I only have a couple of men watching my shows, in comparison to the crowds that come to oggle my White & Latin counterparts. Sometimes I’ve thought that maybe my small stature might be a turn-off, being a man only 5’4″ tall. But there are a couple other dancers that work with me that are practically my same height, yet get more business because they’re fairer. And nearly all the White performers working there currently make exceedingly more than me on a regular basis. I’ve spoken about this to one of my friends that works there with me on a couple of occasions, but I’ve never complaind about it, and I never will. I know full well what type of industry I work in, and I know what drives it. It’s pure, raw physical and sexual attraction, plain and simple. We cater to the most base instincts of the male human nature, and to that effect we are all like little children. In all of 3 to 5 seconds we’ve made up our minds about what we want sexually the moment we lay our eyes on a person, and everyone has their preferences. It’s simply the way things are. I can’t gripe about it and I can’t instantaneously change the conditions of desire in the entire aesthetic climate of the porn industry. I’m just going to remain in the industry, continue to beef up, work on myself and work on my stage presence, and strive harder fo find a place in the XXX market that best suits my ebony awesomeness :-)!

  147. Ron

    While skin color ideally shouldn’t be a factor, I’m embarrassed to say that I’ve been swayed by race. I’m a white man who grew up in a very homogeneous area with nothing but other white men around. By desiring men of other colors I thought I was being taboo or liberal but now I realize that judging anyone based on a race or an ethnicity is just being shallow. Race should not be a reason to choose anyone over another or to exclude a wide swath of men.

    I still enjoy sex with men of all colors but I like to think I sleep with the men I whose personalties and bodies I like no matter their race. A true liberal values the person and does not consider color or ethnicity as a factor of inferiority or superiority, but rather to be appreciated for the variety. We come in all colors, now let’s all cum together.

  148. Mike Moore

    Wow a A lot of people offended by this and they should be but what probably happened was that this guy probably try to talk a black Guy and that guy shot him down probably the same way and so he got angry about it and decided to make the next person who talk to him of that race would get shot down the same way to make himself feel better plain and simple it’s not about you it’s about getting back at that other asshole

  149. Cory

    there’s a lot of people on here that’s strung out on negativity and can’t live without it. they actually get off on making someone feel bad and then not giving them a chance to react or defend themselves. just pray for them I guess

  150. Rake

    Example of why most people stay away from black guys…..PS I’m not white…..
    XXXXXXX (8 mins ago) Sorry bud not interested.
    XXXXXXXXX (1 hr ago) hey wats up you have a black top here in the XXXXXXXXXXXXXX area definetly love getting a bj especially a deepthroat definetly love a man that knows how to take care of a dick I checked you out n i would really like to meet up with u if your close so just let me kno with a reply if your interested and i will most def get back toyou

  151. karma14

    I have seen Dom’s profile on a well known hook-up app as well as his profile on A4A and I have messaged him on both, several times. He has never responded to any of my messages. I don’t question why he ignored the messages because we all have our preferences and I don’t hold that against people. However, there is no excuse for rudeness, be that ignoring people or replying with unkind words. We should accept that as humans we ALL have prejudices, and those can not be legislated or ostracized away-they will only fester and intensify. The fact of the matter is there are a lot of guys out there who like men of color, and I am one of them. Maybe Dom just needs to broaden his own likes and only ignore those that truly deserve to be ignored.

  152. Mike

    Gay men are some of the most bigoted people on earth. Especially when it comes to race. Sometimes reading profiles is like being in Jim Crow south. White Only.

  153. James

    The same thing happens to me all the time because of my age. But A4A is a hook up site, and not so much a lets be friends site. So most the guys I encounter on here judge based on sexual interest only.

  154. Stevie

    I don’t care what anyone says, it boils down to one simple point, which is white folks in America have never ended their unwarranted racism towards blacks. This is a problem with folks in America continue to brush off, deny, and accuse of others, however, it is a simple reality.

    Another problem is that Black and Latino people, in their quest to kiss up to whites glamorize them, and support the ignorant generalizations whites claim about blacks and others, even when they know what whites claim is false and often not color specific. It is not a simple matter of preference; it is pure racism, and we need to be honest about, and confront it. And blacks and latino’s need to grow a spine and stand up against this ignorance, instead of agreeing, or sitting silently. How the heck does a white guy make a claim he likes white and latino and doesn’t like black, claim it is a preference…not racism, however, blacks can be lighter than latinos, and latinos can be darker than blacks? I can understand someone not liking very dark or very light complexions, but, it makes no sense to claim one doesn’t like a certain ethnicity all together. Also, why is it blacks who date whites only make a huge point about the fact they don’t date blacks, and if you ask why, they say something bad about blacks? If it were genuine, the reason would solely be because of the qualities they admire about whites…not because of some fictitious flaw in someone else.

    I am mixed, have dated many white folks and have many white friends. I use to primarily date whites, and their ignorance has really been disgusting me more and more. Because of my wealth, many of my white “friends” have backstabbed and spread rumors behind my back, rather than simply accepting my position in life and being happy for me…it’s a competition to them. Many had sex with me, told me they didn’t want a relationship, but then married a white guy. Many have told me their white friends tell them not to date blacks because blacks are HIV Positive, etc. Many whites have expressed that although I have more education and more successful in my career than they, they are still somehow better than myself. Sadly, many have even asked me stupid questions about why blacks do and believe things black absolutely do not do or think!

    The problem is simply that whites in America are still racist, other people are stupid enough to support them in their racism instead of confronting them. Until people realize we don’t need to bow down to whites to be successful, we don’t need their acceptance and approval, and we encourage them with our support them with our self-loathing comments about our own people when around them, this nonsense will continue to happen.

    We can sugar coat it any way we want, but it boils down to one simple point, which is white folks in America are deeply troubled and racist, and the blacks and latino folks in America are only selling their souls to the devil when they lower themselves to the level of

  155. JR

    i feel waht your saying being a mixed race male myself.i see guys..they speak..but the color thing i feel is very strong in my part of the world..(roanoke,va).my money is good when it comes to helping out our cause,but to be snobed by my fellow gay men is a real turn even hard to meet people you could even call a friend without that yes..i understand.

  156. Lucas

    I am appalled by this. But you will find all kinds of ignorant people who are just as bad as it was in the old days. I am married and in my mid 40’s. I have a son whom I love dearly! My wife and I are both Caucasian and he is adopted from Asia. He is a smart lil guy that has changed our lives for the better. Other kids stare at him and look at us like they don’t understand how he is our son! One day, he will be judged by his peers like you have been judged unfairly because of your skin! My parents raised me to respect all people! They raised me to believe that all people born on this earthare people just like myself! They also were from the old school and I am different from them in some ways. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt! Everyone has a story and until they prove me wrong. I am their friend! For every ignorant person who treats you bad solely on what the color of your skin….there is a guy out there (me) who loves everyone! On the inside we are all the same….its the color of our heart that matters. I am sorry for the ignorant SOB who treated your beating red (love) heart with any thing other than

  157. Mark

    It is shameful for anyone to treat another with such bigotry and rudeness. I don’t doubt that many of our “preferences”, skin color, height, weight, age, are rooted in our own prejudices but that never gives us the right to hurt others with hateful or hurtful rhetoric.

  158. Vegas Guy

    I’m sick and tired of EVERYTHING being about race! It 20-flipping-14 for crying out loud! Civil rights, race requirements for college, voting, employment, etc…GET OVER YOURSELF! NO ONE is going to be every single persons cup of tea, no one! People with disabilities have it worse! Do you see blogs about the mistreatment of disabled individuals? NO. Do you see blogs, ad nauseam, of hate and discrimination a person in a wheelchair, a blind individual, person with MS etc on a WEEKLY basis? NO! In life people will eventually find the right person. But much like the color of skin that we did not ask for at birth but it was given by our parents so too are disabled individuals who also did not ask or request a disability from conception until now. The world is an evil place, there will always be evil out there but rather than crying on a blog because of skin color what are YOU going to do to improve the community other than bitch & moan. Me, I focus on the abilities of an individual, I do what I can to help and if my help is not desired then so be it. But it is 2014 NOT 1914 quit yer bitchin!

  159. ed

    Let’s face it there are some real jerks out there responding to a person’s appearance—-being called an ugly monkey is very disturbing. However that being said, sexual attraction is in the eyes of the beholder and there are men who post on line who are very specific in the type of man they are looking for: masculine, young, black, athletic, big dick etc., so don’t read too much into if you are being turned down for a sexual encounter. However, there are men who are extremely rude and I am certain prejudiced who never can be excused have to blurt out cruel things to another person.

    They are idiots, not true men, that I would avoid. They should keep their opinions to themselves. For those who are prejudiced and we all have prejudices (feminine, masculine, age biases, body types etc., ) an they probably are not going to change—however we can be quiet and not spew venom to the other human being.

  160. Maxwell Head

    It was nice for the post by “Roy” to explain why some might not talk to black people. I will talk to anyone in a civilized fashion (i.e. the opposite of Roy’s uncivilized post) but people like him have no place in polite society.

  161. Marcus

    I wish so many of my black brothers would stop looking for validation from white guys.the truth is some white guys won’t want to date you or even be your friend because you are black.There is nothing you can do about about it why would you want to chase or be around someone that does not want you.Love yourself and move on.

  162. Keith

    You are attracted to who you are attracted to. Why is that racism? I’m gay so women don’t make my dick hard. Does that mean I hate women? Overly skinny guys don’t make my dick hard. Does that mean that I hate them? Dark skinned guys don’t make my dick har either, and I sure as hell don’t hate them. You wanna hang out, get to know each other and be friends? Great! I’m all over that. But sex with me isn’t going to be any good for you if we aren’t both turned on. If you don’t turn me on it’s no fault of yours but it’s also no fault of mine. It just is.

  163. prflavor

    just other people’s ignorance. some gay men just have no brains and think more with their cock. nothing to lose sleep over. you will find someone who u will click and ur color or background wont me anything. thats a guy with maturity. that bad experience is just from someone who is a flat piece of shit.

  164. Dom2014

    Thank you to everyone for your responses be it negative, positive, and in-between. Please do not think I did this for attention or to say that white men are evil like a few of you have mentioned. I love people of all colors and have no issue chatting and getting to know people. I will say to the person who has messaged me the several times that he has I do apologize for ignoring you instead of responding appropriately. My horizons are broader for the fact that I have opened my heart and my mind to getting to know more men not that it’s a sexual thing, but it’s about connecting. Again the person who called me a monkey is simply RUDE and IGNORANT. I hate people who say the most hateful thing to you and try to justify it by saying it’s just my preference. There is a way to say everything and do everything. So with that said once again Thank You for all of the responses. See you on A4A!!

  165. Greg

    You partially answered your own question in the blog. This is a dating site… Well more a hook up site since all the ads are for porn and sex toys. The guy in question is probably just looking for sex and appearance is what we are basing who we pick up on here. Im not saying his reponse was appropriate. It is not and is a hateful remark.

  166. Anthony

    Well, after reading the responses posted thus far, there’s nothing I can say that hasn’t already been said. I would encourage you to NOT invest a single moment of your time or thoughts for a nameless, faceless, meaningless shred of nothing who is completely unworthy of your attention.

  167. Chuck

    I am terribly sorry that people would respond so violently to your (or anybody else’s) simple approach for conversation. There are several things at work, some of which have been addressed here, some not.

    1. There is a growing body of sociological research showing that mere exposure during upbringing to people of a certain race(s) contributes to one being sexually attracted to them; and the converse – not being exposed leads to no attraction – also holds true. It isn’t necessarily racism or America’s racist history; it’s mere exposure and experience. By the way, many other countries & cultures are far more racist than the U.S., and few of them beat themselves up about it as much as we do. Businesses could do a great service by hiring more minorities and thereby increasing that exposure.

    2. That said, there is no excuse for such inflammatory behavior as you report. The internet gives a certain feeling of protection from consequences and others’ reactions, and leads people to respond in ways – trolling, flaming, etc. – that they would never dare do in real life. It’s my opinion and wish that would consider removing the profiles of people who say such things, if the vulgar email exchange is reported to admins.

    So we have a combination of unexamined but probably biologically rooted preferences coupled with internet tough-guy behavior. Certainly some people are truly bigoted in their racism, and for them, I wish #2 would apply. Best wishes to you.

  168. Steve

    Skin color is only one area where we are judged. Age, weight, and even political affiliations are used to judge are picks in men. It goes back to our reproduction thoughts. We are attracted to those we wish to procreate with (yes i know that is not happening here) but that is part of the issue. If he really had no attraction to some one of color, he should have stated so he is wrong in his reply. At the end of the day that is his loss. However the other issue here is that gay men are the one group who feel entitled to be intolerant and racist (ageist, weightist etc) and not be called out.

  169. Rick

    It is sadden to read this, but unfortunately a lot of people have experienced this kind of treatment one time too many. It never occurs to other people that the race that they think of so poorly may very well think the same about their races… Our human nature is one that always looks to establish superiority over the other, if it wasn’t skin color, believe me it would be something. There is discrimination even within people of the same race and that to me tells us, it is just our nature…At least he knows one thing, that you are a monkey that can read and is worthy of feedback. I am black, so I am glad that he at least wrote back to you, because he obviously assumed you had some worth… Be yourself, and be proud to be who you are, with every rejection, you will only get stronger. We always want what is not good for us, so consider yourself lucky to have escaped the likes of that person.

  170. Brad

    I run across these ignorant guys from time to time as well.I dont understand it myself as I was raised in a non prejudicial home and was taught to treat others as you would like to be treated.I totally understand “preferences” I have them myself and you wouldn’t be human if you didn’t but to totally be rude,make obnoxious comments and cut someone off because of their race just boggles my mind. Unfortunately “most” (and I say most as there exceptions to every rule) gay guys are very picky and can be quite rude. I run across prejudices myself and have had some nasty comments thrown my way because I’m a big guy w a few extra pounds and slightly older (I’m 42 but unless your’e 20 something most dudes wont even give you the time of day it seems).I understand the culture is all caught up in youth and being skinny/fit and all that but hell youth and “beauty fades and things change as you get older that you cannot control.People come in all sizes shapes AND colors thats what makes us uniqe and interesting.To me even if theres no chance of getting sexual w someone thats no reason to shut them out who knows you may just end up w a cool new friend =)

  171. chiblknn

    This site is too big to be dealing with narrow minded men of any color. If you can not find someone in your area who shares your thoughts, interests and love expand your viewing options. People are just people, who are wounded and try their best to cover it up. If we rely on these mating sites to find companionship we will find some smart, and some not so smart. This also brings about the bigots who are not open to any one who does not look like them. which also includes the ones who just wants another gymrat or another bear to be a clone of themselves. We all at some point just want a connection with another human being. Some just have too many requirements which makes it not so simple.

  172. DK

    Gotta love people like Maxwell Head: “It baffles me to see a preference for a specific race equated with racism. Has anyone even opened up a dictionary to read the definition of racism?

    The people who posted here that stating a preference is racism are fooling themselves (and showing tremendous ignorance).

    I like white guys. I’m white. I’m not looking to meet and date a black or oriental guy – period. No interest.

    And miraculously, none of what I said is racist.”

    The irony here is delicious. Speaking of looking up definitions, maybe you should try looking up the definition of “oriental” in the dictionary, Maxwell. Oriental refers to objects not people. Referring to Asian people as “oriental” is deeply offensive and has been for over a hundred years.

    So maybe you aren’t racist. Who knows? But you calling others tremendously ignorant? Hahaha. That’s rich. You don’t even know how ignorant you are, either because you grew up around other ignorant people or live in an backwards, retro bubble where Asian people are still referred to as orientals.

    Call me crazy, but I’d bet your race preference is *probably* connected to that backwards, clueless ignorance.

  173. DK

    Re: “Rake
    April 17, 2014 at 11:05”

    An example of why increasing numbers of people are disgusted by Jim Crow-loving white gayKKK males:

    Using a negative experience with an individual to stereotype millions of people.

  174. nonyabiz

    It’s not really that hard to explain. If you’re not sexually attracted to a particular race you’re not ever going to be (even if you think you “should” be). Some guys just aren’t attractive. When one hits you up and you’re not interested just say “no thank you”. If he gives you grief about being racist just say “NOPE, it’s cause you’re ugly”. Let that be that.

  175. John

    I cant understand him being rude to you. All he would have had to say is Thank you but I’m not interested and that would suffice. I wonder why too a lot of black guys only want to date white men. It seems to a lot of black guys there is a self loathing for their own race. For me I prefer the company of other men of my race. I’m actually mixed Half Cherokee Indian and Half Irish however I look all white. There is never any excuse for a person to be rude though in any circumstance. Blocking people who just send a message is moronic to me and happens from time to time. The only way Id block someone is if they were very rude or after saying your not interested just keep on and on messaging you as if your decision will change. Be kind to each other and try and be a gentleman sheesh,

  176. Ivan

    I find it hilarious that those with privilege can be annoyed with the issues of those who are without. To have lighter skin in the US is to be privileged, among other things. You are only annoyed because whatever that is being said pertains to you. I don’t understand why P.O.C (poeple of color) water themselves down so that they can be comfortable in this non-P.O.C friendly world. It’s sick.

    Instead of investing in our own, we try to fashion our lives after those who are harmful by nature… I’m all for everyone to having there preferances, but I wish that P.O.C would think twice before pursuing non-P.O.Cs.

  177. John

    I don’t see color. All I see is a man that I like. People that see you as a color are ignorant. I was taught to see a person for who they are, not as a skin color. I’ve been with every color and never seen any of them as a color. If you appeal to me, no matter the color, I’ll respond to you.

  178. Cyclefiend247

    It’s more than possible that there were more than one reason that you were rejected. Maybe you look like a Troll! Idk. I’m a good looking, in shape, intelliegent guy and I get rejected sometimes. Sometimes, it’s not you-it’s them!..just move on and don’t sweat it. Who knows? Maybe you dodged a bullet.

  179. Mark

    Well unfortunately in this day and age we do still
    Have a lot of racist people out there. However, let’s not stereotype and call a gay man racist because he has a sexual preference.

    So here’s what’s funny to me, all these comments of being upset when a guy blocks a guy because he is black. Well how many of you that are complaining that this has happened to you have blocked a guy because he is over weight or has the wrong color hair or is something else that is not your preference? Does that make you racist? Or the equivalent of racist? No it means that you have a preference that is different from mine. Guess what, quit playing the race card because someone doesn’t like something about you be real we all have our preferences.

    Of course there is still a few idiots who are racist an for them well they will be lonely and miserable. When someone rejects you encase they prefer something else quit whinnying about it and move on. I don’t bitch because a guy thinks I am too fat or too old or have too much grey hair.

    Move on. Why is this even a topic isn’t there enough hate of gay people without dreaming up hate amongst yourselves?

  180. Paul

    I feel that the gay community, since becoming more accepted and common, has taken on an extremely narcissistic mentality. I’m sure every person commenting on this thread has seen comments on people’s profiles that read ‘looking for someone like myself.’ This type of thinking can lead to stereotypes and unfortunate situations as the one described. Granted, ignorance plays a large role, but as many have said before, why let it bother you? Just as a person is subject to foolishness in real life, such is the truth online if not more so. Why value the opinion of someone that has to hide behind a computer?

  181. Jager


    Reading a few responses here.Like to read them all. BUT I have to respond to that DK guy. The fact that you get so upset and angry from the comments you read here and the fact that you exclusively date white guys,as yourself,and you get upset and angry and defensive ppl calling your preference ,racism,only points to one thing. YOU ARE A RACIST.why? because you are a hypocrite. IF you were a confident white guy, you would not be upset, cause you deep inside know yourself that you would not have bias against any races ,ethnics.the fact that you are combative ,reminds or minnesotans. they claim they are not racist, but deep inside ,all the minnesota guys are deep core bigots, like you.

  182. Chip

    it’s really not all that complicated.

    if your preference is all white or all black or all yellow or all red, you have every right to use that preference in your choice of sexual mate.

    honestly how more personal a choice could there be

    but when you take that choice and beat people over the head with it, you’re just plain being an asshole. if you decide that it’s just plain honesty, then you’re honestly just being an asshole.

    people don’t need a reason why you’re refusing to have sex. you’re choosing to provide one is just a way for you to try to explain your malfeasance and ineptitude at personal relations.

    need a guide? Try this:
    A: sends smile to B
    B: thanks for the smile
    A: you’re welcome…unlock?
    B: happy to, but i don’t think we’ll be a good match
    A: why not
    B: not really sure, but if i have to be convinced, its a no-go
    A: that’s too bad – i could rock your world
    B: thanks again for the smile

    Note: if A can’t take the hint, there’s always the block function.

    Also note: i didn’t have to insult the dude to say no.

    There are also training classes for being a jerk & an asshole, but I’m thinking too many guys here are already too well versed I’m that field

  183. BCM

    People have preferences. That’s just how it is. Everyone has been rejected by someone based on some superficial thing like skin color or race (not the same thing) and everyone has rejected someone on something equally superficial.

    There is no reason to be a dick about it though. A simple “Thanks, but not interested,” or even no answer at all should get the point across. There’s never any reason to call someone names or be rude simply because they wrote to you, especially if there’s nothing in your profile that should lead them to believe you wouldn’t be interested.

  184. Islandboyforlife

    I encounter this all too often and it has really gotten to a point where my self esteem and self worth is at a low. Coming from an Asian (Filipino to be exact) descent, ive always gotten the ‘Not interested in Asians’ response, or the ‘I don’t hook up with Filipinos’ or the ‘Youre Filipino/Asian so you must have a small dick, so dont bother’ responses. I am not sure what it is that makes Gay people react so negatively towards each other. For a culture and community who cries and demands equality, there is no clear and unified equality within the community. Gay pride parades – sure lets dance naked on a float down main street, lets all be friends in public, but behind closed doors lets segregate and lets alienate and lets demean others for their race, their upbringing, their appearances, their cock size, their weight, their body hair, etc. I am relatively new in all of these and really have not even come out of the closet, but im growing more and more jaded with gay people and the whole community itself. it has gotten to a point where i have declared to my closest friends that ‘I hate the Gays and will not support any kind of movement forward.’

    I understand preferences, as i have my own, but i would never respond to someone like what the original post stated, I respect everyone and treat them as a person. Ive gotten the ‘dont bother, no one wants a Flip (yes, Flip is a derogatory word for Filipinos)’ to ‘you are -too fat, -too short, 0too dark, -too asian, -not enough asian, -too small a dick, -not tall, -not short enough, -too old, -too young, -too whatever’ quips and jabs. I hope one day, we all get along.

  185. Tenderbranson

    As a mixed (black & white, native American) gay man I feel like I get racism from both sides. Either I’m not black enough for some black guys, or white guys just see me as black. I see myself as me. If I had to choose a race I wouldn’t choose one at all. My father is 1/2 Cherokee, 1/2 black; and my mom is white. At the end of the day that’s just my genetic make up, but over all I’m just a human like everyone else. I like a little bit of variety on my buffet line…so bring on the hot gingers, the spicy latins, hung blacks, sexy leather daddies, and sweaty jocks. Live by the golden rule: Do unto others, add you expect others to do unto you… or something like that lol.

  186. Melaneros

    Race issues are complicated but what often are at play are aged old colonial ideologies that exist today just as much as they did back in the eighteen hundreds.
    Because of such ideologies white is what defines the world and every other minority has to live with knowing they are not that, white. Beauty, body and whatever else is defined as the best, comes from a white aesthetic historically and continues to be so currently.
    Most minorities and focusing on gay ones, have to recover from a level of self-hate to feel worthy of competing on the white defined playing field. We are left with two choices, either try to fit in by adopting the socially ascribed ways of being or stay as we are, knowing we will be on the outside looking in.
    The historical legacy is that most of us minorities end up hating or feeling insecure about ourselves thus we either embrace only those like us or we go to end of the spectrum, by only wanting to be with others who are unlike us. We therefore seek acceptance by negating ourselves and by extension, exclusion from our own kind. Such insecurities are what are at play here.
    White privilege allows some whites to be totally unaware of the access their colour gives them in the world. This place of stature and influence fuels some minorities to try their darnest best to acquire some privilege capitol that will allow them to stand in same arena with whites, although knowing that such access is only fleeting and not sustainable.
    Socially in the world arena but at large significantly also in the gay spectrum, this is game that is being played. Of course, it is evident that social dealings across racial lines have improved, but dealing with the physiological effects of the historical underpinning of race is still determining how we see ourselves and how we treat ourselves and others around us.

  187. Melaneros

    Race issues are complicated but what often are at play are aged old colonial ideologies that exist today just as much as they did back in the eighteen hundreds. Because of such ideologies white is what defines the world and every other minority has to live with knowing they are not that, white.

    Beauty, body and whatever else is defined as the best, comes from a white aesthetic historically and continues to be so currently. Most minorities and focusing on gay ones, have to recover from a level of self-hate to feel worthy of competing on the white defined playing field. We are left with two choices, either try to fit in by adopting the socially ascribed ways of being or stay as we are, knowing we will be on the outside looking in.

    The historical legacy is that most of us minorities end up hating or feeling insecure about ourselves thus we either embrace only those like us or we go to end of the spectrum, by only wanting to be with others who are unlike us. We therefore seek acceptance by negating ourselves and by extension, exclusion from our own kind. Such insecurities are what are at play here.

    White privilege allows some whites to be totally unaware of the access their colour gives them in the world. This place of stature and influence fuels some minorities to try their darnest best to acquire some privilege capitol that will allow them to stand in same arena with whites, although knowing that such access is only fleeting and not sustainable.

    Socially in the world arena but at large significantly also in the gay spectrum, this is game that is being played. Of course, it is evident that social dealings across racial lines have improved, but dealing with the physiological effects of the historical underpinning of race is still determining how we see ourselves and how we treat ourselves and others around us.

  188. bicammwm

    I think you should have blocked that idiot when he called you that awful name! Someone called him an asshole, it think that is to kind to him. You were trying to be polite and considerate and I applaude you for that. I too understand preferences but I’ve been friends w/about the whole racial spectrum of gay/bi guys and I find them to all be wonderful people (speaking only of the ones I’ve known) I don’t see a problem posting your preference but that thing was completely rude and not sure its even human. But political correctness today, has led to a total lack of common courtesy and being in polite public. To bad there are things like that out there. Keep your head up there are plenty of decent people in the world, here’s hoping you find one of them.

  189. Oromo

    First and foremost, this guy represents a small fraction of black/mixed guys. Most of us prefer other black or mixed guys first. Maybe him being in Colorado says alot because it’s predominately white but down south and the east coast, not so much. I cringed while reading his post because YOU should never be so thirsty as to ask a bigot the reasons why he wouldn’t chat with you. Someone call you a monkey and you still wanna chat ? The asshole had to block you for YOU to leave him alone, WOW ! Learn something dude ! I think you just had your “you are black tambien” moment. Race is a social construct based on physical features and ancestry. It’s obvious you must look black…and you will be seen as black. The U.S. base alot of social categories on how you look. If you look black, you will be treated as such by racists. I prefer other black guys and most black guys I talk to feel the same. We love our physical features. I am not being racist because I’m not but I do prefer other black guys or Afro-Latino guys. I’m just shocked to see the blogs making it seem as if most black guys are dying to get with white guys lol. WE’RE NOT !

  190. DK

    April 18, 2014 at 08:19
    Incredible intelligent, wow.

    April 17, 2014 at 22:54
    Dude hit the nail on the head. Perfect.

    April 17, 2014 at 18:52
    Race — with its complicated history in America — is obviously a different and more intense issue than hair color. Lame apples to oranges comparison. People are not going to quit trying to improve race relations because it makes those who cannot speak rationally about white privilege uncomfortable. You should quit minimizing and ignoring bigotry, and quit making ridiculous comparisons. Race preferences may not be racist in and of themselves, but they are conditioned in the context a culture infused with racism and white privilege which is important to note.

    Segregation and the lack of normalized, inclusive representation of nonwhites in gay media and culture is an issue and one that should be discussed. Nonwhite gays need to keep advocating for visibility.

    Kudos to a4a for continuing this discussion. But please update to Disqus comments haha.

  191. Maxwell Head

    I knew at least one person would incorrectly pick up on my use of the term “Oriental”

    While I realize a dictionary must be confusing for some, the meaning of “Oriental” is not. Multiple current and highly regarded dictionaries define the word as “a native or inhabitant of the Orient. ”

    So yes, people who are either native to or an inhabitant of the Orient are Oriental. Period.

  192. jonnynct

    I thank my parents for the way they raised us kids. They always told us to never judge a person for something they cannot change – unlike behavoir, character, for example. And the practiced what they preached. My mother – a daughter of immigrants – still does not understand racism and the like. We are white and she would say, “There are plenty of white people I would never want to associate with. Treat everyone the same and only be “against” those people who show that they are not worthy by their actions, words(, etc.).” I honestly have dated more guys from other races, as they have been more accessible (right word?) and down to earth. I have always wondered in the back of my mind, that maybe the non-whites have had so much to deal with here in the US, that being a Gay man who was called names, bullied, harrassed and more that I there is some sort of kindred spirit, thought I do not know what it is like to be a non-white in this country. My mother’s father never saw a non white person until he came to this county at 21 and rented a room with a Black family for years. His co-workers told that he should not rent from Black people and just didn’t get why not. He said the family was the nicest he could have met and the house was so immaculate that you could eat off of the floor. My father’s parents were not hung up on race (though my father’s generation all married White people), but they were concerned about the religion of their children’s dating and spousal prospectives – had to be Catholic, lol! Race with us grandchildren was not an issue, but they wanted us to find Catholics to marry.

  193. jonnynct

    P.S. I get nasty remarks from guys when I contact them or even send a smile or compliment. It still hurts, to be honest. I was raised to just say, “Thanks” and if pursued just to say, “Thank you” again and politely say that you are not interested. I would never insult someone – not even if insulted first – in most cases, lol. With the crap people have to put up with – esp. as an almost 50 year old Gay man – I do not understand that need to put others down. My father told us that iinsulting someone only shows your own immaturity and awful personality.

    I know everyone has their own interests, like and dislikes and more, but just state it in the profile. If you only like white people, just put that in your profile and save everyone time when there will be no interest. I see it the same as someone who has strong likes and dislikes for anything. If you do not date drag queens, state it. But understand that if someone states they are only interested in a certain race or only straight acting, if you are not that type, don’t waste your time in contacting them to ask why or tell them they are bigots are asses. Just ignore them – you are not going to change them and why aggravate yourself on someone not worthy.

  194. nuwave777

    Dear Dom2014, your encounter with that “man”really bothers me. To call you such a name and imply that he’s some piece of perfection when he sounds like a callous, superficial, insecure, spoiled, narcicisstic piece of shit….his mom and dad did not do a good job, fer shure. There was no reason to be hurtful to you like that, but then again, “hurting people hurt people.” Imagine what his friends must be like, if he hss real friends!

    you have to forgive his weakness and ugliness. And know that there is just. One race genetically,…the human race. All guys can be beautiful…all skin colors. Be grateful you saw that poor twisted. Bastard for what he is, early on. Hoping you fibd a good guy. Ps…happy Easter. Jesus was well hung for you. 🙂

  195. NslashA

    Attraction is attraction, it can’t really be explained. You know what you like and can explain it, but can you explain WHY you like what you like? We as gay men should know this better than almost anyone. Unfortunately there’s no magical switch we can flip and start being attracted to something that we weren’t attracted to a minute ago, or most of us would probably be straight right now, right? But with that being said, there is no reason for the rudeness! When I find myself approached by someone that I’m not attracted, first I take it as a compliment, SOMEONE still finds me attractive. It may not be the guy I wish it was, but hey, I can’t be doing that bad, right? Second, I try to be as gracious as possible when declining their advances and let them know that it doesn’t mean we can’t be friends. Cause that’s the great thing about friends, you don’t have to be physically attracted to them! Friends come in all different shapes, sizes, sexes, sexual orientations, colors, ethnicities, socio-economic backgrounds, etc… So I can understand generally not be attracted to someone with a certain skin color, ethnic background etc… But there’s absolutely no need to be a shallow hater about declining their advances. With all the hate we as a community face as it is, you think we could treat each other with a little more civility.

  196. Randy in Plattsburgh, NY

    Hey, sweetie- don’t let guys like that get under your medium-dark skin!
    Having figured out that I was gay at the ripe old age of 6, I’ve suffered a lifetime of low self-esteem, all because I’ve always thought that I wasn’t good enough for other guys; too shy, not cute enough, not tall enough, not smart enough, too chubby, not chubby enough, etc., etc., ad nauseum! For the first 40 years of my life, whenever I saw a cute guy, I’ve always been too shy to even look at them, much less actually strike up a conversation! The result of that is that I’ve missed out on many years of fun and happiness. In other words, I’ve been miserable!
    What I’m finally figuring out, at the ripe “old” age of 42, is that I’ve always been good enough, cute enough, I’m NOT chubby, and I’m LOTS smarted than most people I meet! (ANd I’ve met both some pretty smart people and some real dullards, many of whom were totally convinced that they were God’s gift to gaymankind!! NOT!!!) It’s taken 35 years to figure this out, and for the first time in my life, I’m happy!
    The underlying reality is that hatred is alive and well and living on planet Earth! It’s kept alive by people that are convinced, before they know you, that YOU’RE not good enough for THEM! How you see this hatred is entirely up to you. Suffer, like I did, for the next 25 or 35 or 45 years of your life, OR realize that they are what they are and you’ll very likely never change how they see others! They don’t hate you because your skin is dark, or because you’re not cute enough, or because you’re not smart enough! They hate you because you’re (wait for it) NOT THE SAME AS THEM! They fear anything that is different, and therefore hate it in an attempt to maintain their own “status quo.”
    If you wouldn’t mind some advice from an old fart, STOP focusing on the people that hate, and START focusing on the ones that embrace you for the person UNDER your skin! You’ll never change the haters, so don’t waste your life, your love, your energy or your time trying! It’s like Judge Judy says: “Don’t try to teach a pig to sing. It doesn’t work, and it annoys the pig!” She’s not only a pretty smart lady, but SHE’S USUALLY RIGHT! All you are accomplishing by letting the haters bother you is making yourself miserable and empowering their hatred. Hatred needs misery to survive, otherwise it starves itself to death! The next time you encounter a hater, turn the other cheek. In other words, LET IT GO! Don’t let them bother you, no matter how difficult it seems! Each time you do it will get a little easier! Scout’s honor! Eventually, the haters will poison themselves with their own venom; like a rattlesnake biting itself in the tail- their own venom is just as poisonous to them as it is to anything (or anyone) else! So, cutie, DON’T LET THEM BITE YOU! Their time will come, their own hatred will eventually kill them, and you can dance on their graves!

  197. seekerATL

    LOL I find it far more in blacks than I do whites. I live in Atlanta and the blacks here are racist as H#ll and are Proud about. Checkout A4A here in ATL. So many “no whites” in profiles of the black guys here. Having said that, you would be surprised at how many of these dumba$$ hit me up. Sad really I am white and love black guys…and white guys… and Latinos..and Asians. Sorry but hot is hot!!!

  198. antone

    I’ve been reading here that you have rights. That all profiles with race preferences should be deleted by Adam. That we, the gay community need to teach each other to be open minded and accepting. All that is bs. You want fair go play baseball or hire a referee. This is life. Life isn’t fair, just or easy. Fools have a right to be wrong in this country – the USA. My strength comes from growth. finding happiness in the people who want to be near me. I don’t want to save the world. I just want my place in it. Be well men.

  199. Ethan

    I had a one night stand with Very Hot black guy the first month I was in college. He had a solid 6′ 3” body, a cute face, and a dominating. The whole time he talked dirty about how he loves taring up a white boi’s ass. He was a little bad about only doing a certain color. Color doesnt bother me

  200. Nonsense

    Not because of skin’s colore, 2014 now, color of skin or race , doesn’t matter at all, but personal and attitude is the best, please try to change attitude !! Don’t keep ur skin color and attitude together, don ‘t think u have 10 to 12 inchess r the best on the world !!

  201. Nonsense

    I agree with u mr seekerATL, most of them on profile always $$$$$$$ and they always want everything free and always and always complain too much!! Speak and acting lie as eel!!

  202. RAndy

    It is ironic that the same people that are racially bigoted and members of the gay community will use the analogy of race rights and equal gay rights. All the while they treat minorities as second class gays.

  203. Oromo

    Most black guys who moan about this are the ones who exclusively seek out white guys or non-Black guys. They are few and mostly in white predominant cities. They are the ones who will not give another black guy the time of day themselves. So why are they so shocked and hurt because someone see them the way they see others who share their skin ? To the others….we get, it ! People shouldn’t have to be attracted to every skin color. The racism comes in when the person INSULTS the other person using racist derogatory names. I can love my black brothers all day long but I will not call a white person a racist name for just saying hello. Know the difference and stop defending the racist bitch the author was talking about !

  204. Rex Ganymede, esq.


    and, outright Ignorance (and, in some other cases, Stupidity).
    (if i’ve missed any other of this Lot, please let me know in the commentary section)


    a lot of you are confusing discrimination and bias for ‘racism’

    a lot of you just straight up don’t know what you’re talking about, in general

    i don’t need to worry about dumb fucks who are prejudiced and exclusionary against ordinary folk (who have nothing overtly-wrong with them), because these dumb fucks were told that these ordinary folks’ natural phenotypic traits are “wrong,” and they chose to not question it any further.

    let there be an all-out, bloody war, some time in the future, between those of us with sense, and those of us without sense.

    we could use one.

  205. Kirs

    A pretty face does not mean a pretty heart. And a lot of the pretty faces out there these days do not have a pretty heart because they know they can get whatever they want, one day though people will see their true colors and ignore them.

  206. BigBlackHammer

    Blacks belong with blacks. Mexicans with Mexicans. Chinks with chinks. arabs with arabs. towelheads with towelheads. gooks with gooks…….. and so on.

    • bjjj

      Your feelings are respected if that’s what you believe, but that isn’t always the case. My best friend, lover, is black and I am white, and so what. He is closer to me than my own family. We do things together, go traveling, share and help each other out. We talk about our family’s friends, etc. Sure there is some sexual fun, but their is so much more to our relationship. We have a mutual trust with each other, and were open in our conversations, our ups and downs, and we’ve got to know each other so well, I can tell when something is bothering him or somethings on his mine. We trust each other with everything from money and each others possessions. Also we seldom even bring up our skin color difference, it’s just not pertinent. I agree that some people some prefer to be with their own race or nationality, but were all people, regardless. That’s ok, each to their own. But for me my BF and I love each other very much and have great trust with each other, and true everybody has some differences, but with us skin color isn’t one of them, were both the same, even though I am white and he is black.

  207. azalean

    I dont think it has anything to do with race.. I think its soley on looks..sorry to burst your bubble.. there is no way in hell. Im black and I dont find many Chinese/Asian guys attractive, but if I see one I would give him the time of his life.. BYE!!!!

  208. R

    I have to condemn the harsh, hateful words that some people throw at others, for size, color, or whatever motive. I look at this, especially if it is followed by a “block” to prevent a reply, as an act of cowardice: I hurt your feelings, but I don’t want mine hurt. Or, I don’t want to face the reply I deserve. Such a person is incapable of dealing with what does not fit his wishes.
    Another factor there, is that this person, spoiled and frustrated, may be hoping for a reply from someone he wants badly, and he keeps getting hit on by others. He eagerly waits, not expecting rejection, and lashes out with words that inflict the pain he feels, even though the person he wants didn’t do that to him.
    Yet another factor, is perhaps the guy really is good-looking, but he has gotten so full of himself that people he would like, don’t want his attitude. He priced himself out of the market.
    I know that humans, looking for stress relief, start in their comfort zone. They want a person whose looks, hair texture, voice, build, scent, attitude turn them on, so they feel less awkward and can give that person a good vibe. So preference isn’t mean, it’s actually thoughtful. A few times, I went past my gut feeling to avoid being “mean”, and the vibe was not there, the sex sucked, and I felt like I had whored myself. It’s best to say you can talk online, but you just don’t feel a sexual interest. I’ve made friends that way. I actually am a trusted friend to one guy who had a preference other than my race etc, but I wrote and thanked him for being polite about it. With time, he actually said I was kinder than guys he thought matched him. No, we never hooked up. But the point is, I’m comfortable with myself, know what I feel, and nobody has to like me on all levels. As long as we all show respect, the pressure is off. In fact, that guy later changed his profile. Something to the effect of, more comfortable with being gay, and more open with maybe meeting different ethnic people, if they turned each other on, and if they didn’t, he’d say so. How ideal is that?
    Bottom line, love your neighbor AS yourself, don’t hate, don’t be hated. There are lots of pieces in the puzzle box, but not all will connect. But those that do fit, it’s snug.

  209. vicious_thrust

    look at it this way. u dont wanna b friends or associate with someone like that anyway cuz theyre simply just a gay moron, in addition to being a silly bigot

    me personally have a preference and rarely do i not hit someone back bcuz of skin color. ill respond, even if its just to say HI back. it isnt everyone i chat with i F—, so what does it matter? say hi back and move the hell on

    ive noticed alot of ppl are that way,e specially gay ppl (as sad as it is). gay ppl have been discrimated upon for years and its a joke that the same ppl who cry for gay rights are so damn discriminatory. that is the reason why so many gay ppl are single, and these very same pissants are the first ones to say, when asked why theyre single, that theyre single by choice, which is a joke. Makes me mentally say when I see how dumb and discriminatory they are, “No wonder ur single and it isnt by choice “Theyll get with a dude for all the wrong reasons and thats why theyll keep searching and searching till eternity for that 1 person and will always always get done wrong by the guys that they choose to fall for as a result of their bigotry, stupidity and closed-mindedness and thats 1 reason why they always get cheated on, get diseases passed onto them etc. Those dudes they crave are the very ones wholl cheat on their ass and pass shit on to them. (99% of gay ppl and ppl period wouldnt know who mr or mrs right was not even if god had to drop one right in their laps

  210. vicious_thrust

    ive also noticed that alot of black guys on a4a now have no blacks on their profiles which is a joke to me
    i call those ppl brainwashed reverse racists

  211. Dave

    I’ll admit – I didn’t read the entire thread…but here’s my take on it.

    Not everyone is here to make friends, find a soul mate, have a happy “Kumbaya” moment – some people are here to find sex, and only sex. For most, that involves a great deal of immediate physical attraction (and in those cases where I’m only looking for sex, I’m one of those people). One would HOPE that would be detailed in a profile, but often it’s not.

    For many who are ONLY looking for sex, it can be a simple glance at a photo, or lack thereof, that allows them to make a snap yes/no decision, “I am/am not going to have sex with that person.” Case closed. Short-sighted? Perhaps. Valid? Absolutely. For some, it’s more ‘efficient’ (for lack of a better word) to immediately discount those with whom THEY know nothing will happen – at this point, it has nothing to do with the perceived ‘victim’. You send a message, it’s in the recipient’s court, plain and simple. Is it rude to not respond? Sure. Is it more rude and also hurtful to respond in a manner that attacks the person? HELL yes, and has crossed a line.

    At the same time, though, I can see the argument from the other side – you’re neither ‘owed’ nor entitled to a response to any message you send to anyone. And you’re CERTAINLY not entitled to go ballistic if you’re turned down (which has happened to me – and, gee…there’s that word ‘entitled’ again).

    Every single person on this site does it, just due to his partner preference – I like, “Blondes, brunettes, redheads, muscly, skinny, hairy, smooth, young, old, black, white, etc.”. As soon as you prefer one, you’re potentially alienating another. I mean, as gay men, we’re all immediately sexist anyway.

    Frankly, I don’t think any particular group is ‘entitled’ to anything. No one should get special treatment because they’re “Blondes, brunettes, redheads, muscly, skinny, hairy, smooth, young, old, black, white, etc.”. You are a person. Period. You probably don’t throw a hissy fit if you’re turned down by someone is a bar (and if you do, go seek help). Don’t do it here, either. Get over yourself, because the person who ignored/turned you down already did, and it’s not worth getting upset about.

  212. Benechka

    Unfortunately I believe we still have a lot of racism in this country even though theoretically we are not segregated anymore. I myself am half Latin half white get turned down by Latins for not being too Latino and the fact that I predominately speak French and English at home since my dad is from Europe. Secondly it has to do with the social upbringing of a person. I see many adds in which white guys want white only, or no fats, and so on. I doubt this will ever change in our lifetime.

  213. Czechy

    Personally, I have a few really good black friends, but I’m not very attracted to black men at all. I don’t know why, but something about them turns me off. Brown skin is often very beautiful, and I appreciate it, (and sometimes when I’m desperate to choke on some thick long dick I’ll get together with a black man) but I can’t see myself in a relationship with a man of African descent. The question really should be, why is race or skin color a basis for so much hatred? Not being attracted is one thing, but to attack and insult someone because of their race is just stupid and destructive.

  214. Jade

    O my gosh. There is roughly. 120,000 members on a4a. Please read about 80% of the profiles….. And it says no blacks or just whites only or Latinos only. A4a is a breeding ground for racism. I get so sick of seeing this crap. But how can you tell some that you are not his type by just a freaking picture.. Hummmmm that’s so funny. But why let that dumb a** take your joy because you had spoken to him… I see it everyday you get use to it.. DONT ACCEPT THE STUPID PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE. YOU ARE WAY BETTER…… BE BLESSED

  215. JOhn

    It’s simple; social conditioning. Whether or not the response was rude, it’s still due to that fact that most western societies have been conditioned to think lighter skin is more attractive and less threatening. If darker men and women covered magazines, lead in movies and ruled most wealthy classes over past centuries, i’m sure lighter people would be experiencing what darker people experience today.

  216. AGS

    It wont be of much solace, but try to understand:

    There are some people who are gay, and realize that the discrimination they experience is a part of a larger sphere of human influence that we must combat. these people care genuinely about the environment sometimes, or education, etc. these are all kinds of people, races, and genders. many of them are straight, and have despite the Television, and family and peer group beliefs and reinforcement, find it in their hearts to look past the familiar and be more. and support US despite it TOTALLY not being there problem.

    then there are others, who only have an issue with gay discrimination. these people are born white or rich (or really whatever object of narcissism they possess and are born into, blacks can be discriminatory, for different reasons usually, but still) until one day they find out that they are “gay” in people’s eyes. the expectation of the highest social relevance is no longer an option and they are pissed about THAT, not the institution of ignorance and intolerance. in fact, they are pissed they cant return to not being empathetic.

    i promise you, the guy that instantly dismisses you like that, is someone that you prolly wouldn’t enjoy their conversation anyway. there is no such thing as an introverted empathic douchebag.

  217. BJ

    I know these are old posts, but maybe someone still reads these. What’s the difference, so a person has black, white, or dark skin, so what. People are people. Some people are tall, others short, some have blond hair, others dark or red, some bald, some people are heavy set, others thin, well, were all human regardless. I must admit I am white, so what, and I have found many nice people in all races, sizes, looks etc. Yes, there are some people that can be outright rude, and obnoxious, and others that are into crime, drugs, and other illegal stuff. But never the less they are still human beings, have feelings, etc. I agree different people act differently depending on their up bringing and cultures. We need to learn to agree to disagree. Everyone has their own likes and dislikes. I think respect is the word that comes to mind that so many people just don’t seem to have. Whether you are gay, straight, bi, black, white, or what language you speak, so what, lets respect each other. I’m no better than you are, and your no better than me. Lets in this day and age try our best to get along with each other.

  218. bradomo

    I think gay guys just need to be nice. I’m asian and always have felt rejected by the gay society. In fact back in the 90s, clubs discriminated against asians by not admitting them. People have their preferences but I feel they need to keep that to themselves. You can’t say “not into asians” or whatever in your profile. Do you see this on “straight sites?” It is just not good for anyone’s soul. But if someone’s profile says they like blond hair, etc. why would you message them if you are black?

    • BJ

      I think it’s horrible that you were rejected just because your Asian back in the 90s. Unfortunately, it still exists today all over the world, even here in the US. We are all human, sure we have cultural differences, looks, races, etc, but so what. If I were to meet you I’d love to have some conversation with you, and hopefully even become your friend. There is just too much hate in this world, which stinks, but I doubt it will ever change. I try to be nice to everyone. With some guys though, like me and my BF, differences are no big deal. I am white, and my BF and lover is black, and our relationship still continues to this day. See my post above.

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