Speak Out : Sexually Abused
Last summer on a Friday evening after work, I was watching CNN when breaking news scrolled across the screen. The news was about the child molesting, assistant football coach from Penn State, as the verdicts were going to be revealed at any moment. I rolled off the couch and headed to the kitchen to fix myself a bowl of sugar-free vanilla ice cream with fresh strawberries. I hoped this would make me feel better, since I really did not think this coach would be convicted of his horrendous crimes with boys who really needed a mentor and or father figure, but got a brazen, self-confident, good old boy, deviant, football coach, who even raped these boys in the very public showers of the hallowed, collegiate football dynasty, locker rooms. His sick actions were not stopped but covered up, or worse, ignored by the powerful head coach and president of the university. This inactivity exemplifies the state of our countries huge problem with childhood sexual abuse.
Why am I ranting about this breaking news? Because, most times, we only see the lunatic disguised by some official title like Priest, Bishop, and now, football coach, instead of hearing from the victims who have had their lives changed, completely, by this silent epidemic, that is destroying more lives than we can even count. In our country, where we assume children are better protected than most other countries, the statistics say NOT. One in four girls will be sexually abused before the age of eighteen and one in six boys will be sexually abused before the age of eighteen. And ninety-nine per cent of them know their abusers, very well, as either family members or men, and some women, in positions of power and in jobs with high regard.
I am a survivor of the one in six statistical grouping, and, since we never hear what those victims go through and how their lives are changed, this is my story in all its honesty and unfortunate reality. Like most Americans, if you just want to turn your heads and live in that peaceful place called denial, then don’t read any further. This is not for the faint of heart who can’t stomach the walk of a victim who wandered around in distorted functionality for way to long, before getting help.
My abuse started at age ten sitting in a pew at the southern Baptist Church where my family attended. An older teenaged boy had befriended me and I thought this was really cool. Until I figured out he had other plans for our boyhood relationship. One thing you must understand is that abusers are not always adults in power, but oftentimes, older children. My abuser was an adopted child who had had a rough start to his life and, most likely, had been sexually abused himself. I have forgiven him for sexualizing me at such a young age and changing my life for a lifetime. But, that forgiveness only came after first admitting that I had been damaged, and then, many years of therapy.
The large amount of research relating to childhood sexual abuse has come from our neighboring country, Canada. They have discovered that children who are sexually abused have hormonal changes in their brains. Yes, our brains are rewired when sexually abused. And, the damage is not easily repaired without being carefully treated with years of therapy and psychological medications that work to correct this hormonal imbalance. If children remain secretive, which boys do more than girls, never getting the needed psychological help to survive and maintain some since of normalcy, they most often become the statistics that are so prevalent in our culture: alcohol and drug abusers, sexually obsessed and addicted adults, prostitutes, succumbing to chronic mental and physical health conditions, suicide and attempted suicide victims, to name just a few.
Most of my sexual abuse occurred at church functions or on Wednesday nights; my family was at church whenever the doors were open. There is not a dark place in the church my abuser would avoid to make him feel good sexually. Even where sinners are dunked in the holy waters of baptism was a favorite out of the way spot, while both our Moms were at choir practice on Wednesday nights. He also introduced me to P.S.E.’s (public sex environments). When most boys were playing in the gym, we would be in the inner sanctum of the boy’s locker room where the showers hid us out so he could try and fuck me, which I was able to fight off, but not the oral sex. I still have the vision and horrible feelings of him holding my hands up on the tiled wall and forcing my pants down with his other hand, trying to get his dick inside me. And not only was I worried about the physical pain, but also frightened about being found out by an adult church member.
Our church boy’s group used to take a yearly trip to Wake Forest University to watch a football game, and on our return, we were in the back of someone’s station wagon in the dark when he got aroused. Our first rest stop was at a McDonalds for dinner. Before I could eat anything, he locked us in the men’s room to finish what he had started in the car. This abuse took place on and off for two years and by that time I had grown from a boy who had not reached puberty to a teen who felt very confused about being different, gay. And this older teen had decided I was no longer young enough for his sexual abuse. The warped thing about being abused is that when it stops and you are left alone, you feel like you did something wrong and become depressed, lonely, refusing to talk about it with anyone.
My healing came rather late in life, so my story is one that covers many of the above issues I just stated. As an adult who refused to believe my own story, I fell victim to drug and alcohol abuse, became sexually addicted; never understanding why monogamy could not work for me, even when trying desperately to uphold several pseudo committed gay relationships. I have attempted suicide twice, the first being the worst, where I spent several days in the hospital I.C.U., trying to get my heart to regulate after taking an overdose of meds and drinking myself into an unconscious state. I have been hospitalized, twice, in mental health facilities, after both attempts. I must confess these facilities are needed for the many in our country who have all kinds of other addiction issues, but they do very little to help folks like myself who have been sexually abused. Our country does not want to acknowledge the profound hidden secrecy surrounding this issue. Since many of us do not speak out about it and advocate for our own mental health, little is being done to treat our brain’s imbalances. And, in turn, the prevention of childhood sexual abuse is almost nonexistent in a culture where children and families and schools do not teach or discuss, openly, this silent epidemic.
I was functioning in my world of denial by medicating with alcohol, drug abuse, sexual obsession and addiction that is most horrifying. When finally getting into therapy for this problem, I joked with my first therapist, sarcastically, by stating that I had had more sexual partners than most whores do in four or five lifetimes. As a result of these thousands of oftentimes, anonymous, nameless, sexual partners, it has taken a toll on me, physically. I have been infected with genital herpes, HPV, which causes cervical cancer in women and anal cancer in men. After suffering through one Christmas season so sick, that I had to go to the E.R. for intravenous fluids, something was attacking my liver that my doctors could not diagnose. I finally broke out into a rash all over my body, which led my doctors to test me for syphilis, which is what I’d had the whole time. I didn’t know it could do such damage to the liver, but is so easily cured by a series of high powered penicillin shots.
The most costly infection, though, and most upsetting for me, after spending five years as an HIV prevention educator, is the fact that later in life, in my late 30’s I contracted HIV. Of course, I do consider myself one of the fortunate ones, after losing so many friends to this disease, because I only take one rather large and very expensive pill a day (Atripla), which has kept me undetectable my whole time during drug therapy for this chronic illness.
Now fellow A4A members, I do post on my profile that I am HIV positive. But, we all have something we just want to lie about and that is my age. I’m 40 years young on my profile page however I was born on April 24, 1961. So do the math, I’m soon to be 52. The only reason I’m mentioning this age thing now, is to let members know that I lived through the worst years of so many gay men dying of AIDS and sat vigil by beds as friends took their last breaths, BUT, if you do not address the underlying issue, which for me was childhood sexual abuse, it will eventually take you down a road that I don’t wish for anyone to travel. Another words fear of contracting or all the education about HIV does not scare you into playing safe all the time, if you have other mental health issues swirling around in your head, not treated. That is the main reason we as a community of gay/bisexual men CANNOT judge each other for our actions. It does not help, but only adds to the silence we as men like to uphold. Some silence is not golden.
The last decade or so has been much better for me. I found a therapist who I could work with and group therapy, which was four men in this group, all having been sexually abused as children, two of us HIV positive as well. The work has not been easy though. However, it has to happen because no pill alone will help in regaining your personal power and bring you to some sense of peace and ability to function without all the past memories swelling up to force you into unhealthy sexual situations. Thank God for this group of men who clearly understood my background and did not judge me, but grew to help me heal as I did for them as well. What I learned throughout this whole process and being pointed to research from my therapist is that many gay men have been abused as children. If everyone came out about it, I think the number 1 in 6 would grow to 1 in 4, just like for females. I make this point to promote each of us into understanding what abuse we have had to incur throughout our lifetimes, whether sexual or physical or emotional, and realize that we have to work on healing ourselves through the right methods. Alcohol and drugs just numb the pain, sexual addiction just adds more guilt and hating one another makes us no better than those we accuse of discriminating against us. The burden is on us to find healing.
I believe life is always about transformation. We must move through the pain and speak with others who have experienced the same pain, in order to start the recovery process. If not, we will continue to find ourselves recreating the same abuse that we did not ask for as children. The difference is that now we are adults and we may hurt other adults terribly, if we refuse to heal our past abuse. Thanks for allowing me to share this information and if you feel that you are a member of the 1 in 6 group, please get help. 1in6.org has very good information and offers helpful first steps to recovering from childhood sexual abuse.
David W. Bradburn aka dwb42461
Hello David!
I had almost the same situation in my life; sadly i was abused not only for a neighborhood older teenager ( I was 11 years old) but then back at my High school twice.
I’m Latino, and back in my country the abusers got their way because in Latin society somehow the Top guys are almost the same as straight guys… while the bottoms are the queers, the “maricas’ the bad ones…
I’m pos too, due that I got addicted to porn and never took enough care of myself… a condom can cost $5 back at my country… so people of low income never buys them…
I have an amazing boyfriend, who has being forgiving and caring as no one… I still working on my issues… but I thank you for posting this…It’s a sad reality for many guys out there.
I had a different experience, I was only 7 or 8, I remember so vividly being aroused by seeing older boys naked. one or two of my playmates, which one was about 14 always wanted to fuck me, but I was too small. then the word got around about me, and I had several boys who just fondled me etc. including an older teenager. but, I just loved it, even then, I never held it against anyone, I just figured early on that is what I liked and I still am playing around. no hiv or anything like that has happened in all these years. but if it is an adult doing that to a young boy, then that is not acceptable, and I guess not acceptable either if you are messing around at 7 or 8 with your same age friends.
I too was molested by a family friend. He did it for 3 years, from age 12-15. I’ve forgiven him but it made me wary of trusting men for a long while.
i met a guy last year(on A4A)i will call him Tim. we really hit it off, he was just my type and the sex was the best i have ever had ever, he was amazing and we pushed all limits successfully, and i thought i had done it all up until Tim.
He did tell me that he had alot of partners in his time, he was 20 yrs younger than me, and i figured this to be a hookup only, but he said he was attracted to older guys and we started to date.
At our first real date he told me he had been abused by his foster father at the age of eight. This father told him if he wanted to stay in the family that there were rules, these consisted of being both available to the father and his friends sexually, and it was a secret from the rest of the family. Imagine the pressure on a child of 8 who want nothing more than to be loved and in a family.
Tim said he didn’t mind it much cause he liked the way it felt and he felt needed and loved. Tim also said he thought himself more feminine , than most boys so maybe his new foster dad saw this and that miht have been why he was chosen as a foster child. Tim also had no memory of anything before this foster family took him in at the age of 8, he was put up for adoption as an infant, and never adopted, which is rare for an infant not to be adopted, so he thinks something prolly happened even earlier to him that made him repress all memory, he never went to get any professional help.
As we got to know each other more i found out that even though we were “supposedly monogamous” he was a “serial dater” and had several men in his life that he courted,dated and they never knew about each other, thinking that he was “the one” for them – i honestly do not know how he did it cause we were together alot, but he found a way.
he used my computer and didn’t log off and when i saw it was a different email than he gave me i took a look and found out the truth, i was shocked because i really thought i was the only one as he had said.
i confronted him and he just piled lie upon lie , still insisting that we were soulmates – but i could not believe him any more because of all the lies. i would have been fine with other guys if i hadn’t been lied so blatently to.
i broke it off and he kept coming back saying he was getting “professional help” but again it was lies and i had to just stop taking his calls. a few months later he attemped again to hook up with me and now i see him as a FWB , but he is so damaged , a really nice guy who has alot of hidden problems and just has not started to fix himself, i use him now as he uses me for sex because as i said its the bomb sexually, but i do not trust him and wish he would start getting some help, he thinks he can do the work himself and believes his problems stem from very early abuse that he doesn’t even remember. its such a shame he could be so great, physically he has it all , mentally he is so very damaged and i feel concerned because he is obvioulsy a sex addict- thank god he doesn’t drink much , he only smokes 420, i think of him a a “friend ” with lottsa limits and keep trying to get him to get help, but nothing yet, eventually i will meet someone else who will thrill me sexually as much and i will leave him altogether – such a shame .
I was 7 or 8 when I was abused by my grandfather on two occasions. He pulled down my pants, had me lie on his bed face down, and without penetrating me used my ass crack to pump and get himself off. I still feel him cumming on my back and wiping me up with his handkerchief. This completely fucked with my head for many years and I always wondered if it was in some way affected my becoming gay (yes, irrational but there it is) or the fact that I am a submissive bottom that seems to need to be dominated. I forgave him a long time ago but I wonder how it changed me.
Everyone claims to be sexually abused these days. I am not saying there are not people who were abused but American society sees a pedophile behind every corner and on every computer screen.
I personally became sexually active at the age of 12 and the person was 17. Was this abuse? Some would say so but I am the one who went after him.
The confusion and difference of opinion comes from the fact that Americans have this puritan idea of sex and an unrealistic idea of when a person becomes sexually active, or has a desire for sex.
All of this is a symptom of how prudish Americans are and it is sad that many people have the need to construct fictional sexual abuse stories to justify their sexuality and excuse bad choices in life.
This cheapens the real victims of actual sexual abuse, and it creates another layer of stigma against anyone who is not defined as a heterosexual.
Those who have been sexually abused please seek therapy and I will say the same for those who construct stories of abuse.
Whitebtmfoblktop, some folks never get help and that’s why so much secrecy about your friends other sex partners. He is still living out the childhood requirements that were placed on him by his foster Dad: (1)being a sexual object for the foster dad and his friends, and (2) keeping it a secret from the rest of his family. Until he gets help, he will continue to recreate those life rules over and over again. Remember, at age 8, his brain was rewired and changed literally by his sexual abuser. I will say a prayer for him to someday find help and healing. When you see him again, show him the website 1in6.org and maybe it will help him to contact their 24 hour hotline. Thanks for sharing because this is a huge problem in our country. David B.
I’ve never spoken or published this in a public forum before, but I think it’s something I need to do in order to continue my healing process.
At the age of 5, during the summer prior to me starting Kindergarten, the 15yo son of trusted and loved family friends, was hired to babysit me as both of my parents worked full-time jobs. I was excited as we spent a lot of time with this family doing outdoor activities and dinners and barbecues and such.
Many of my memories are very vivid, and some are blurred. I’m guessing it’s some sort of defense mechanism my brain has manifested to protect me, but I’d rather I had no memories of the two months he sexually molested me that summer. It started off with him showing me how to masturbate, and slowly progressed into forced oral sex, forced anal sex, kissing, touching, etc. By the time he was fired for having had me riding on his bicycle handlebars and me falling off and tearing open my knee on the pavement, it had escalated to him beating me (with either his hands or a wooden spoon from the kitchen) if I refused to do his bidding. He was “kind” enough not to try to top me because he said he could “hurt” me. Such a considerate act.
I could go on for pages and pages if I were to detail all of the memories, but I’m saving that for the book I will someday write, but the outcome of this summer experience is a lifetime of PTSD, major depressive disorder, severe anxiety disorder, panic disorder, personality disorder, and for most of my life, morbid obesity. I’ve since had gastric bypass, but was up to over 450lbs. at one point. I’m now around 230lbs. and healthier and happier with my partner of over 12 years and my family as a wonderful support system, but I’m left burdened with all of these illnesses the federal government has diagnosed me with and deemed me unfit for employment as of November 13, 2001. So, I’m on a myriad of medications, I can’t work, and I have been in and out of counseling, had medication changes more times than I can remember, and currently am fighting my anxiety and PTSD flare-ups on a daily basis.
If you’ve been given the blessing of children, protect them from predators such as mine. Be wary of even those that are closest to you, because sometimes they’re the people who can hurt you and your children the most.
I’m a survivor, and I’m very proud of my successes, but I’ve also had many failures and I was robbed of my innocence. I’m now 37 years old. 22 years later and I’m still fighting.
Thanks guys for all of your stories. I’ve been through multiple different therapists and was seen on a number of things ( alcohol dependency, insomnia, night terrors,) and every last one of them, including the doc that I went to for Hypnotherapy, told me that I had blocked off a large part of my past and there is a possibility that I was molested as a child because if a child doesn’t like something they take the memory, lock it up, and make a happier on to replace it. I’ve tried regression therapy and multiple different anxiety and depression pills because of what I can’t remember and it scares me. Have tried to hold relationships but I tend to fall out of love just as fast as most people fall into it, therefore I always have a new boyfriend, no boyfriend, or fwb. I contracted both syphillis and HIV from past boyfriends and am still no closer to an answer. Its actually gotten to a point where I’ve downed a bottle of pills just to quit the pain before. And now I wont go to a therapist at all anymore because they all simply tell me im crazy but none can tell me why.
I think that the original post and the comments point out some of the difficulty with sexual abuse and defining it. I feel that any sex with a prepubescent is just wrong, whether it is an older boy or an adult doing the abusing. The author of the post was clearly abused-he didn’t want it. Jerry said he enjoyed the play, even though he was young. Was that abuse or just sexual play? It is normal to participate in sexual play in childhood, but we seem to call it abuse now, even if the participant was willing. Some boys know even when they are very young that they are gay, other, not until later. Is it only abuse if the subject is not willing? Are children no longer allowed to participate in normal sexual play? What IS normal sex play?
Past puberty, children will have sex if they want to, no matter what we want. (I think it’s a shame, myself. Too many are being pushed into sex too early.) Again, I think that adults should not be welcome. Partners should be within 4 or 5 years of their partner aat this age. As long as there is no forcing, and the participants are willing, I have no problem with this. As an older adult, this is off-limits for me, both morally and legally.
I believe that the source of sexual abuse is often a society that represses sexuality. If we could have a more open atmosphere with a good idea of what normal sexual play is, I think some of the problems would be solved. There will always be deviants, too, and they need to be stopped or given appropriate help to stop their behavior.
I don’t want to downplay the real horrors of child abuse-as the post says, it can change your body (something I didn’t know before) and life for the worse. The victims have all my sympathy and they deserve the best treatment available. This is certainly a difficult topic to cover and resolve, but we should all work together to protect those who need it.
Jason, childhood sexual abuse does exist and there may be those who makeup stories of abuse but that is very seldom, especially with men or boys because they don’t want to be seen as less masculine or someone who could not or would not fight off their abuser. In your situation, if you felt confident and comfortable seeking a sexual partner at age 12, then you maintained your personal power and it was not abusive, at least for you. It was your personal choice to have sex not powerfully forced on you. Sexual abuse is just like rape. It’s more about the power over another person than it is about the sexual gratification. Puritan views have nothing to do with sexual abuse. Just as being a healthy,sex positive person in a rather sex negative country has nothing to do with childhood sexual abuse. Those are different values and beliefs surrounding sex not power over another person as sexual abuse is a power play. David B.
AS usual I have a little different spin on the topic!
It has only been the last 100 years that every child, women and smaller man has not been subject to rape and sexual abuse continually! “Might is Right! Was the baric rule!
In may enchant societies Boys were given to older solders to train and use for sex!
********* I take no position! On This **********
I’m just stating: The history of sexual interaction between the ages that has been the norm, till now – In this the last century!
The legal definition of rape is touch! So now, almost anybody can be incarcerated in this society based on gossip concerning a contact with youth, possibly, heading toward a state of over protection… So I’m saying protect your self: Children have the power!
Mike, I’m sorry you have had difficulty in finding healing or recovery. You may never be able to remember what happened to you since regressing memories is a very powerful tool we all use to try and survive. My experience with group therapy was much more beneficial for me than private therapy sessions. It is true that the best healers are those that have been hurt or ill and work with others with similar problems to communicate and find healing. I would suggest you try and find a group therapy approach. There are many out there for general mental health issues as well as those that affect gay men specifically. I hope you find healing and recovery. David B.
I am glad I found this blog. I, too, was sexually abused by a family member. Actually, it was my father who abused me.
It seemed to start out innocently during one of the many “Father-Son” talks about sex and puberty. These talks started when I was around 10 years old. Every six months from that point, he would have another chat with me. Once I turned 11, he asked if I had any pubic hair yet. When I told him that I did, he asked if he could see it. I figured ‘why not? He was my Dad’. Soon after that, whenever my Mother left the house, he would “joke around” with me and grab my crotch whenever he could. When he felt my erection, he told me I must be enjoying it. The truth was that I cringed every time my Mother left the house because I knew what was going to happen.
When I turned 13, he became even more aggressive with me.
He would wait for me to come out of the shower and start playing with me. I remember one night when he forced me to touch his penis. I didn’t want to, but when I resisted, I was threatened with a beating. I was also threatened that if I ever said anything to my Mother about this, it would destroy the family and I would end up all alone because of it.
I also remember him forcing himself into my mouth, again with the threat of me getting a beating if I didn’t. I do remember gagging when he came in my mouth.
When we went on family vacations, my Mother and Sister slept in one room of the hotels, while my Father and I slept in another room together. I hated these times together. It felt so wrong and I felt so all alone and helpless.
This abuse went on for years, from the time I was 11 up until my 18th birthday. I remember fighting my Father physically, when I was 16. It slowed the abuse down, but didn’t stop it. I thought I legally had no choice until then. Once I turned 18, though, it was over. I told him that since I was now an adult, in the eyes of the law, that I would have him arrested if he ever touched me again.
I kept this secret to myself for many years.
I did get married and raised two sons of my own.
I swore that I would never let anything like my experiences happen to them.
My Mother passed away just before I got married.
I severed my relationship with my Father.
He never got to know my kids. I didn’t want them around him. It wasn’t until a few years later that we met up at a family members funeral and he saw my kids. They did not know who he was. When I saw him approach them, I immediately confronted him and told him to get away from my kids. He was drunk and began to get verbally abusive to everyone. I am not proud of this, but I ended up beating the crap out of him and physically threw him out of the house we were all at.
Shortly after that, he had the nerve to call my house one night. My wife heard me yelling at him on the phone and also heard me telling him that he was not going to get the chance to touch my sons like he did to me when I was a kid.
My wife then confronted me and asked if I had been sexually abused as a child. It was the first time I ever admitted it to anyone. I cried, she cried and we hugged each other tight. She did urge me to seek therapy. I attended a few sessions but quit going because I felt I was doing fine on my own. After all, I managed to survive all these years.
I know this is long, but I do see many similarities in my story with other’s stories. I always felt timid about being the initiator in sexual relations. Now, my wife understood the reason behind it.
I am a survivor and I am proud of it. Although I have had a few M2M experiences since my marriage broke up, I am still proud that I was able to break the pattern and protect my sons. They do not know what happened to me at the hands of my Father. My Father has since died.
One thing I did learn recently, is that after my Mother died and my Father remarried, his new wife had a 15 year old son. Shortly after their marriage, the son moved out to live with his Grandparents. I found out years later, that my Father had tried abusing him too.
Sorry this was so long, but it felt good to unload this to others who would understand. Thank you for posting the 1in6.org site. I can’t wait to go there and read it.
I applaud all of you for speaking out on this subject. I can’t begin to imagine what it must have been like to have been taken advantage of in such a selfish way, at such a fragile age. Stay strong, and continue to speak out!
Enzo aka socaltuffguy
David, while reading your story I got alittle teary eyed thinking of what you went through as a child, teen, and adult life. I would have to call you a Survivor. Many have walked in your shoes, and are still alive to tell the tale. There are those who didn’t, and their memory leaves all who loved them sometimes hard to bare. I was moved by what happened to you in the past, and how you’ve dealt with it to this day. By telling your story, others have opened up and revealed something that was hidden for many many years. I haven’t gone through what you all have, and i wish you all the best in this life, you deserve love, compassion, support, and peace.
I too was a survivor of sexual molestation when I was 4, by a step grandfather, and then again when was 8-10 by a female friend of my mom’s. it was made me a very untrusting person, I use bitterness and sarcasm to steer people away from me. even though deep down I long to be close to someone, ANYONE, not many people know about my abuse, and I do not want them to. However being 30 and feeling like a lost 5 year old around people is not normal, and I need to change this
Great subject.
For many years I wondered about other guys. If they were gay as a result of molestation or if the scientific explanation was accurate.
I know that for me it was abuse. It all began for me when I was 4 or 5 years old. I was confused thru elementary school the abuse continued until I was 6 or 7 by then I just knew I wanted to play with other guys, usually 14,15 or e11ven 17 year olds.at some point between the age of 9 and 11 I became conscious and stopped for a couple of years but then started messing around again when I was 12. This was a definitive moment for me because after that I became attracted to guys. I have masturbated and traded oral with very few men I feel ashamed and dirty afterwards . I’ve only had sex once and didn’t like it. I am a very angry person and have low. Self steem and fucking hate being gay because its not who I was born to be. I have accepted myself for who I am.I hate being gay.
I can remember as early as 5 or 6 years old being abused by my cousin. He was 11 or 12. He molested me for the next 18 years of my life then it became a sexual relationship betweeen us. Anytime I was off from school my parents sent me out to our families ranch to help work it. As did my cousin. Any time we were alone he managed to have me..and we were alone a lot. As time passed and I got older I finally realized what he was doing to me was wrong. But by that time he had done this to me for so long I was looking…wanting …. him sexually. I’ve never said anything to anyone in fear of our sexual relationship being broken. Am I wrong for this. To me it was what cousins did.
I was 7 when I was forced into sex by one of my older brothers, and one of his friends. This continued by my brother until I was 16 and finally stood up to him, and put a stop to it. Over the years my brother let other of his friends use me sexually, and even tried to sell me to an older man to use. I was told I was supposed to go with the guy to do yard work. luckily I figured out what was going on and jumped out of his car and ran home. That was when I was 10. After our father passed away I did everything I could to keep our younger brother away from our older brother cause I didn’t want him doing the same things to him. I went to counseling, and the counselor said I needed to confront my brother, but when I did he lied and said nothing like that had ever happened, but later I found out he told his wife all about what had happened! His wife not only stayed with him, but told me I needed to get over it, cause it happened a long time ago. As it turned out he never molested our younger brother, but got him hooked on drugs instead. He’s such a gem of a brother!
I remember when I was 8yrs old my uncle moved in with us and shared my room….one night he came home drunk and passed out on his bed naked… I never seen a naked man like that so I got out of bed and was staring at his dick…sure he would not wake up, I put his dick into my mouth…he got hard and I kept licking and sucking….when he cum it scared me cause I didn’t know what was happening….I went back to bed scared I’d hurt him…he was fine in the morning though so I repeated this act everytime he drank enough to pass out…..then one time as he was shooting in my mouth, he woke up, grabbed my head holding it down on his dick….when he was finished cumming he brought his mouth to mine and started kissing me and tasting his own cum…..after that I sucked him off often…..I don’t consider his abuse.,,,I knew what I was doing and I loved it…..after I turned 16 he took me camping with some of his buddies,,,, he asked if I wanted to suck them all and I said yes,,,,by this time I knew I was gay and loved being submissive to them,,,,,each experience was pleasurable and I ended up servicing my uncle and some of his friends thru my 20’s…all were married with families,,,,
Why were you so specific in describing your snack?
just think about all those pervert priests out there who have ruined many men’s lives. The catholic church needs to change their policy on priests not being able to marry. either that or demolish the catholic church.
Im 25 yrs old n i was also sexually abused as a child by another older child. He use to liv in the same apt complex as i did wen i was growing up. I was about 5 yrs old wen it first happened. He made me do many things bt the one i remember the most is when he took me in the restroom and started to pee in my mouth and on me. I remember i didnt do that willingly n he would get mad. When my fam ended up moving frm there i was relief. Bt as i started elementary school me n my school friends would explore each other. We were both the same age so i dnt think no one was abusing no one in that situation. It went on for several yrs. At the age of 12 or so my fam bfriended this couple with kids who were alot younger then me. I would hang out with the while the parents hung ouy. I dnt remembr how it started bt i would let the kids feel my hard on over my panys. It necer went beyond that but now i think about it it makes me sad that i abused some innocent kids when i was still a kid myself. This is the first time i speak abiut this. As an adult now i dnt think it effected me as much as it should of.
I was about 7 or 8 when it happened though I dont really remember what happened I didnt like my dads uncle at all something about him really made me hate him until one day when I was around 18 my mother told me that she found out he had molested me when I was a kid from that point on when I saw him I had a deep hate for him but I couldnt do anything. When I was 19 I met a guy and we really hit it off. We always hung out and every now and then we fucked until one day he wanted to hang out and I said I dont wanna fuck though I had a long day he said ok so we hung out and smoked then he said he was horny n I told him guess yur gonna have to jack off but he locked the door and started trying to take my clothes off I fought back n said no I told yu im tired but he wouldnt listen he forced me to the back seat n started yanking my clothes off he then slide his huge dick in me and started fucking me as I yelled to get off he kept going harder n I was in so much pain but then gave up and let him finish he pulled out and shot all over me and told me to get out the car. I had to put my clothes back on while walking bck home which luckly was around the block. After that day I havnt heard from him since. Til this day that incident haunts me and because of the damage he did I started smoking pot have tried a couple other drugs but didnt like it but also became a very sexual person I have done my research and learned in school about sex so I did play safe most the time and I do have sex with guys I know but most of the time I just maturbate because I dont have sex alot my sex addiction went from fucking ery other day to maturbating 3 times a day. I dont do it as much only once a day now but I now have become a public jerker. So every chance I get when im out in public I will maturbate either a bathroom or dressing or beside a building where ever it is I will do it this addiction has got to me even more now and hope to stop soon but in the meantime I will have to focus on my goals in life so I can have a good career
I’ve never been molested thankfully and my heart aches for any males that get forced into it. I really don’t want to offend anyone but I think guys that have been through it have to look at the bright side of it somehow. I hope this is what therapists focus on in their sessions. At least you did survive it and made it out of that horrible situation with your life. If you got out with your health too then even better. I think if you can become a survivor of the situation you will be better off than being a victim of it. I think if survivors can thinking like someone who overcame it then they can heal from it.
And also http://www.justdetention.org is a great organization that helps survivors of abuse and they have some good resources too.
Novelist Joyce Carol Oates has written a book called “Daddy Love,” published this year, concerning a pedophile who abducts a 5-year-old Michigan boy. Written from the point of view of the pedophile, the abducted and abused boy, and his parents, it is indeed hard to read, but Oates is a master at delving into the disturbing underside of American society. The ending is shocking and thought provoking. Very chilling read.
I was sexually abused by my brother for years. It started around the time i was 5, and didn’t end until I was a teenager. I remember sitting in class in the 3rd grade and hoping that no one else did what I did last night because I felt so bad and dirty.
Now as an adult, I have a fucked up view of sex, love and what I want in a partner. I don’t know if that’s because of the abuse, but I truly know that if it hadn’t happened, I’d be a very different person today.
This story brought me to tears. I am also part of the 1 in 6, living such a similar life. I am only 25 .. 26 in March. I am also HIV Positive, which is stated on my profile. I’m so sorry to hear all that you’ve been through and wish you happiness and health for years to come.
Ben
i was molested by a relative…..and i told my mom….and she is still close to him. the biggest slap in my face…..thanks life..lol thankfully im a grown up now….and its over now. but kids need to be closely guarded cause some people are sick.
Thank-you David for publicly sharing your story and bringing childhood sexual abuse into this forum. I am 45 years old, and as of 6 years ago, I would have never dreamed that I would be responding to a blog about sexual abuse. Well, with a number of years of therapy under my belt, I can relate to you that I was sexually abused by my grandfather from the ages of 5-13. I kept this “secret” hidden from all until it nearly took my life. In late 2006, after being diagnosed with major depressive disorder, I began therapy. Right now, I am in the healing process and am dealing with the affects of the abuse (mainly depression, low self-esteem, guilt, shame, generalized anxiety, and social anxiety). My heart trully goes out to all of those who have been abused and,who have been brave enough to seek help and tell their stories.
See I have had a hard life growing up I thought I was the only one and now reading yalls life testimony my heart Breaks I never could do that to a Kid because I had it to me this is not what made………..me gay My father did some awful things growing up and I felt so alone in in all this…………I don’t feel like I belong in society I feel broken and angry and upset I don’t feel like anyone in the gay community could love me……..because he pulled a gun on me my own father and I hate a man that tries to put his self as being my dad because I have dad issues this story makes me so angry…………because I never messed with a kid and then all sudden……..my dad tried to get with me to do something with my sister or he would have killed her so I was shaken he set it up and it never happened because mom walked in thank god I use to pray to god sending me in a room naked at age 10 but then so he said….. to my mom you get on top of him so he pulled a gun on my mom and told her to sleep with me I got so sick to my stomach and upset I put pulled a knife and told her to get back I ended up in Juvenile and never felt loved because he use to beat me saying no son of mine is going to be a faggot he use to beat me hang me up on hooks and drag me through the hall ways of the trailer he use to hurt me so bad and my mom allowed this she was scared of him and she even use to beat me growing up was a awful childhood…….. and I forgave my mom and I love my mom and I love my sister very proud of my sister she has two kids and I never want to be like my dad but it hurts and I don’t know how to heal I just dont feel like I can be loved by anyone………….and him being dead and he passed away in 97 I never got closer
and being on top of that my mom got with a pedophile and he tried messing with my sister after dad died and I protected my sister but after that I got rapped in jail and they tried doing to me in prison but I got out of it so I really get sick when people do this
I hate to say this but as far back as i can remembe, preschool, i remember because id put on the dress while playing house,i knew i wanted sex. I had gotten quite a few glances ofmy dads balls hanging out from the side of his white lose briefs. Id grab any older male underwear i could get a hold of and put it over myface…oh sorry I’m getting carried away here…when i was alittle older age 9 maybe n after all i wanted was an older mans dick.even after experimenting with cousins my age and even playin with their little pee pees which was ok..i wish i would have had some older mans cock given to me. Alot of your stories are getting me hot! Tho i am in no way shape or form condoning sexual advances to any child because i am against that. Sorry for those who feel they were abused, should have been me than you.
whats up. i have a story to share with u about what happened to me as a kid, email me and we can chat.
David, When I read your article I immediately felt what you had been through. Your story was like reading my own autobiograhy. Your experience was identical to what I endured except that my abuser was a male school teacher. I was never able to put into words what I experienced and I am now thankful that you did. I have been in and out of therapy for many years and still to this day have never healed. I am sharing your article with my Psychiatrist at our next appointment in hoped that she can better understand what I endured and hopefully on a road to recovery. Thanks again for sharing.
I do not have sympathy for rapers and molesters. To me they are the lowest scum on the planet. I understand most are probably suffering from mental illness, but a lot of rapers are just disgusting to me. I’m sorry if I sound do hateful and passionate about this, but rapers are no different from molesters. They are monsters and they steal so much from you.
If you take the position: That you are Gay Now because of Molestation? Than you have to give up: “I was born this way!” You can’t be both!
Realistically lots of boys were molested in their early years and went on and father many families! And I’ve experienced many middle aged married men wanting to experience anal & cock sucking sex , while still staying married! A few with wife’s consent:
………. “Deferent strokes for different folks!” Still stands….
At age 8 I was abused the first time by my step uncle who was at that time 28. His cock was too big to stick in my ass but he would make me lick it and rub it on me until he would cum, wife it off and then roll over and go to sleep. He would come every fall and work for my dad in our corn fields for about 2 months during harvest time, at night he would drink then crawl in my bed. We were very poor and everyone in the house shared a bed with someone. He came for every summer till I was 17 yrs old, he was by then married with a kid at age 37. The funny thing is by the time I was 14 I was seeking out this kind of sex with buddies schoolmates or anyone else that was interested. I had sex with my 4H leader, the blacksmith that would shod our horses, all four of my brothers, and several strangers I met randomly. I looked forward to him coming eveery summer and enjoed those hot encounters. I now know that none of my brothers are gay and we are not close at all now, I am gay and live a very closeted lifestyle, single, lonley, yet professional and successful. Man Ive always thought about how different my life COULD have been without someone robbing my innocence. Or would it?
I was raped when I was 17. I don’t tell people about it. I’m ashamed of it because it was “consensual” rape… I just didn’t know what to do when saying Stop wasn’t enough. I know I’m much farther behind than most people: I haven’t told my shrink, and only a very select few friends know.
Now I’m almost 24, and I have moved on, but I learned my lesson and am cautious about letting guys fuck me, in fact, I don’t plan on letting a guy fuck me until I’m committed to him and he to me. I don’t think that’s a negative consequence, I feel like I learned to be stronger in myself.
I was only 5 when my abuse first started. Our neighbor’s son was older than me and he would touch on me while we were playing outdoors. He would undress me outside and fondle me. One day, he took in his house and attempted to have sex with me. I didn’t like it and told my older brother. Around the same time i was also being molested by a older female tht used to babysit me. She would take me in her room, take off all my clothes and perform sexual acts with me while her mom and her boyfriend were getting high downstairs. At the time, i didn’t mind what she was doing to me because she was a girl and i was too young to really understand what was going on. Later down the road, when i was 7, my older cousin began abusing me sexually. He would ask me to give him oral sex and it would always lead to him fucking me and ejaculating on me. He began having sex with my best friend in front of me.This went for three long years. Sometimes my mom would be rite in the next room and he would be fucking me. When i turned ten i told to stop or i would tell my mom. The sex became very painful to me. As a result of the abuse, i began having sex with my friends. To this day i still have flashbacks of him fucking me and forcing me to suck his dick. I Finally told my mom when i was 18. This was after i told her that i like having sex with other men. I received counseling as a youth, but never told the counselor about my abuse. I was to embarrassed to tell them that a man had penetrated me. I have dealt with what happened and i forgave all the people who abuse me as a child. Even as a teenager, i was raped by my older adopted brother twice. I live my life as normal as one can with a past of sexual abuse. I have a daughter now and i will do everything to avoid her ever having to endure this type of pain. Normally the abuser has endured some type of abuse. I found out through research that my cousin had been abused when he was my age and continued it through me. I take my experience to teach the younger generation about being aware of your surroundings and what to look for in a abuser. All of our experiences should be used as a learning tool to protect our younger generation from abuse.
I have never been molested or abused but my props go out those o cc you who have fallen victims to these soulless animals. Be strong and my respects to all victims.
I was never sexually abused, however I was Physically abused
My mother sometimes became stark raving mad. I have never been able to make it all the way through the movie “Mommy Dearest” this was so much like what I experianced.
I became sexually active at 10 years of age with some of my cosins that where about the same age I played with one friend that came to stay the summer with us who was 5 years older than myself, I started going under the covers at night and sucking him. at first he pretended to remain asleep later on we would go down to the barn he seemed to enjoy my oral talents. Anyway I wanted to point out something that you didn’t mention. Statistics show that 99 percent of those that sexually abuse children are heterosexual ( no matter the sex of the child they abuse ) however some want to point at the homosexuals and warn you should keep your kids away from them to prevent they’re becoming sexually abused. some tend to think that homosexualls are automatically prone to abusing children sexually. And nothing could be further from the truth.
had that happened with older brother……. now he is dead and i have not forgiven him… tried to go str8 but that was a mess.. will not have sex wit a female ever again…
I have a similar story while it may have been abuse it turned into a relationship that was mildly sexual but mostly me just finding myself. I think I was 15 the first time it happened.. My cousin knew I was different and I hadn’t figured it out yet but he’d always try to wrestle me and dry hump me then eventually he put my hand down his pants and started kissing me. Until one night he convinced me to put his dick in my mouth. I didn’t know what I was doing at the time so I just went with it and that’s as far as it ever got. I wish none of that had happened. But at one point I felt like I could be myself with him in that weird semi sexual way. When everyone else my age was discovering dating I was having this secret relationship with my cousin. And it definitely did change me maybe not in typical ways.
Yes, mentally at home, sexually by an older neighbor. Still crosses my mind.
I have read through your post David, and everyone’s stories, and I feel like I could just be sick. I am so sorry that some of you were hurt so badly by the people that are supposed to love and protect you. I don’t know how someone could do such horrible things to children. I don’t know any of you and I know that a stranger’s words can only give so much comfort, but I love every single one of you and I think that you are all brave and strong.
this is a touchy subject for many men…..i think far to often we look back on our lives and find ways to point a finger and say,,,, he did this, she did this, they did this to ME,,, to ME,,,, i’m screwed up because of THEM….. well,,, being raped would screw up ANYONE…. but there is a difference between being jumped, ur clothes ripped of u and someone FORCING a cock down ur throat or up your ass,vagina, what have u while u struggle to get away,, u end up left there on the ground, bleeding, crying, scream, in pain and sometimes many ppl have been LEFT FOR DEAD………. having someone sexually abuse u is entirely different…. it’s mental abuse, mental abuse, fear tactics, giving a young boy arousal, because let’s face it, most young boys, and men can get aroused EVEN WHEN THEY DON”T WANT TO,,,, a young child’s mind is not yet formed to know who or what they are and another boy, older boy, older man doing this to a young boy could give the young child pleasure and they don’t even know they they shouldn’t be doing it, THEN as that child gets older and realizes it was wrong,,, THEN it’s rape,, THEN it’s abuse, THEN it’s therapy time, THEN THEN THEN……was it right for someone to do that to a young child, HELLLLLLLLLL NO, and if those ppl aren’t punished by humans, they will be by GOD………..does it affect the mind, YES, does it rewire the mind, YES,,, ,but i was 13 when i first became sexually active w/ my best friend…. i knew it was wrong but i let him touch me, jerk me off, suck my dick and i eventually did the same for him.. WAS IT ABUSE? did he rape me?…. i don’t believe so… then i had an older cousin who lived alone,, he was cool, had a car, and apartment, played video games all day… i was from a broken home and i was miserable hearing my mom cry every day.. so at 14, i started hanging out w/ my cousin at his place… he let me use his weights, watch him work on his cycle, play video games…. he drank beer and i never seen anyone in my family drink,, he smoked pot and grew pot in his cupboards and that was so strange to me… did i drink,, no.. did i smoke w/ him no,, i was to scared… but he began to slip in a porn movie for us to watch while we get sleepy… i slept on the floor below his bed… i was to scared to get up and leave,, what would i tell me my mom y i wanted to come home,, what would i tell him… so i lay quiet and watched…. i was turned on but to young to really grasp it… eventually over time, the bed time routine became more frequent and earlier and he began to start moaning and jacking off even though he knew i was on the floor and could hear him.. it was STRAIGHT porn mind you.. i was turned on by the tits, the dicks and just nude ppl in general, I WAS 14…. THEN he would ask if i was comfortable on the floor, which i wasn’t, and he offered to let me get in his bed on the side,,, i was oddly turned on by his nudeness and the size of his cock.. at that age a 21 year olds dick seemed HUGE to me.. i realized i was looking more at his cock then the porn,,, over time and more visits,, he asked if i wanted to touch it,,,, another time,if i wanted to lick it,,, suck it,, over and over til at some point, I WAS HOOKED.. i wanted more and more of his cock… made up reasons to visit him… he even came to visit our house one night and we got in our family hot tub out by the pool… i spent the time under water sucking his dick,, THEN i walked him to his car outside our garage and begain jerking him off and he shot his load on our sidewalk and as soon as he pulled up his pants, MY MOM came around the corner,, we played it off and he left…..i was ALWAYS ashamed of what i did w/ my friend and even more so w/ my cousin but w/ my cousin it was ashamed that i LIKED it,, ashamed I WANTED it to happen…… after a couple years, he moved away and i started dating my x wife,, 16 years later, came out, got divorced and have been w/ men every since……
DID MY COUSIN RAPE ME,,, no…. did my cousin sexually abuse me,, NO.. did my cousin MENTALLY abuse me,, YES,,, i think he did,,,, he put me in a sexual situation, fed the fire an, gave me bait, and i bit and never let go… did it alter my mind,, YES,,, would i have been gay after my friend an i stopped doing things, i’ll NEVER know… i don’t think so since that bothered me so much…. my cousin opened a mental door to cock i hadn’t had before but was it ALWAYS there and he just merely UNLOCKED the door… possibly and most likely yes, but WE’LL never know… would I have had all the pain and suffereing had i NOT been w/ either, YES,, is it my fault… NO.. i was 13 and can’t judge that time or my decisions based off a 20, 30, or 40 year old MIND……having two teenagers myself i can say for a FACT,, a teen has NO business having sex, it fucks w/ your head straight, bi or gay or anything sexual…..it ALTERS you.. causes girls and boys to possibly become sex addicts w/ ppl, porn, etc……
that said friend had 3 kids and married, is he secretly gay, i don’t know, never spoke to him since.. is my cousin gay even though he’s married w/ 4 boys, NEVER know…. was he molested as a kid, don’t know.. it’s a mystery of y it happened and can’t change it NOW or even after it happened but to accept it and move on……
was i born this way,,,, possibly and those events SHOT me right to the top or bottom if you so choose to be witty w/ sex lines….. but i know this,, as a young child i played DOCTOR far more than i believe any child should, like w/ 9 different kids both boy and girl, all who i knew, all who visited my house who were my same age or older or younger than me.. did i RAPE them.. hell no.. kissing, touching but they played along w/ me, even initiated it most of time… were they raping me or abusing me,,,,, no.. the EVIL was not intentional,, the abuse was merely exploring but HOW did we know what to do, where to touch, Y to touch there.. TV,,, doubt it, it was the 70’s, NO CABLE…..our parents, NO.. parents didn’t provide PDA those days….is it BORN in,, are our minds at such a young age GEARED for sexual activity…. WHO KNOWS but it happens still to this day,, kids still play doctor,,,,,,,
do i feel i was ever raped or abused,,,,no because raping or abuse would mean HARM,, and i was never HARMED or in harms way….did they do things they shouldn’t have YES… could i have said no and walked away YES,, I HAD the choice, the option,, no guns were at my head… my cousin did threaten to tell my brother so was that abuse, YES but i wasn’t sexually abused i don’t think and neither were many ppl who say they were,,, it’s a mental justification to say someone abused them….. were many actually abused and raped, SURE AS HELL YES and it’s horrible…… we just have to be adults and TRULY see it for what it was,,, some person who was “hurting” took that pain out on us and it happened to be in a sexual way… some ppl yell, some ppl turn to drugs, booze, get depressed and for some the sexual organs take over the healing somehow and others get caught in the way….. i was in the way but in the end, i did choose to continue and be there……….
i say all this NOT to attack anyone here or the writer but many stories that i’ve read, here and elsewhere you can ALWAYS see the part where a CHOICE was made even as a child we make choices and many of those choices ALTHOUGH led by another and into sexual waters, WE CHOSE to go, CHOSE to stay, CHOSE to visit again, CHOSE to not stand up, Chose no to tell anyone, CHOSE to keep it locked up for years and be ashamed,, CHose to truly blame the other person…..
I think the real healing in sexual abuse is to FORGIVE ourselves,, we were TOO YOUNG to think straight… that’s what being young is about,, NOT THINKING RIGHT… we still chose but was it RIGHT,,, no… no it wasn’t……. and as we age we KNOW the difference,, We KNOW to be responsible we KNOW to be right or to be wrong and we KNOW when we choose wrong hopefully…..
anyway, my experience, my thoughts, my opinion and for anyone who’s been raped, abused,, HEALING is possible and it STARTS w/ YOU….
just to add, i do believe i was sexually abused as a young child, but have never been able to truly catch hold of the memories vividly enough to know what happened or who it was….. and i think many gay men were TRULY abused or raped and it TRULY did alter their minds,, would they still have been gay in the end,, that’s the mystery, no know really knows but the facts are they were abused, they are gay so it’s something that has to be dealt w/, then left in the past as a reminder of what we have SURVIVED…. damaged, yes, but SURVIVED and STILL living.. others are NOT so lucky,, others did NOT get to begin a healing process,,,,, DEATH is the end and if we’re breathing years later we survived and HOOORAH for that….
Mr Freightshaker73, no adult nor their families should have to be survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Yes we do survive it but not without much pain and mistrust of others and even our own families. When I attempted suicide twice as an adult due to not believing my own abuse as you sort of suggest and not getting help, my family and friends suffered with me not understanding my reasons for trying to end my life. That’s something I did not focus on in my blog post. The ripple affect is enormous for one child abused sexually when you count the family and friends who must witness the pain and constantly worry or wonder if they could’ve done something to protect their loved one when the abuse was occurring. My own mother will not tell my father who my abuser was because he still lives in our hometown and she fears my father will seek him out in revenge even at 77 years of age. We do not live in a vacuum and the pain and suffering and confusion and hate is not limited to just the abused. If they speak out about their abuse as I have. However, I believe we need to bring to the light of revelation our sexual abuse so others will be helped and understand that we must all work to extinguish the number of children who are abused. We may never end it all but just one life spared equals many more lives than just the victim spared from pain and suffering. I hope you have found peace, forgiveness and healing from your sexual abuse because that is what is was. David W. Bradburn
I suppose I’ll never know of any suppressed memories without help, but I do remember sleepwalking allot and being told that I would be found screaming in the closet late at night somtimes. I must have been 5 or 6. I do remember a few babysitters touching my privates in bed, but I don’t remember anything else. Then at 10 I had a few sleep overs at a friend’s house. He was about 14 and taught me and my brother how to masterbate. To me this friend was someone I seem to learn things about in life, not just private things. So the private things seemed odd, but just more that I was unaware of.
He would put on his moms makeup and tampons which actually was very odd to me. Then hed get us in the bathroom naked and take turns hugging us. I was curious, but didn’t care for it afterwards. Thiese few encounters were not sexual for me. I took it as strange playing, so it didn’t really effect me even though it was wrong.
I grew up a virgin until I was 32. I grew up liking girls, but never dated even though I wanted to. I was not attracted to guys in any way. I don’t know why. For some reason I always felt immature socially, sexually, and mentally. An odd case of a very very very late bloomer. Ive always played with my ass and had fantasized about men, but was repulsed by the reality of it. When internet porn came out at age 21,I watched str8 porn. Then curiosity at 27 and the next 10 years of watching gay porn got me to “just do it” one day at age 37. I hated it, but was puzzlingly drawn back later. Well now I consider myself bi. I like men and women. I blame curiosity and gay internet porn, but not the molestation.
This is such a touchy subject and something that I don’t talk publicly about, but like so many others have said, this is crucial to the healing process.
My first sexual encounter was with my cousin. We grew up together and he and I were the closest in age out of all my cousins. Our sexual relationship wasn’t forced; We were both curious about each others bodies, so we did what any curious children would do. It started out as mutual touching, kissing, oral, etc. It evolved into much more once we were both around 10. We were basically in a relationship, and told each other we loved one another. It wasn’t that twisted and was actually kind of cute, minus the fact that we were 10 and biological cousins. (note: I don’t think what we did was okay, I’m just saying it wasn’t sexual abuse or rape. It was mutual). I moved away from my hometown when I was 12, and we grew apart. That was my first sexual experience.
My second sexual experience was completely opposite of my first. A few years after I moved, one of my aunts followed. She wanted to get her life on track, get of our hometown, buy a house, settle down, etc. She was a recovering alcoholic/drug addict, and my mother and her were very close. She brought her two kids, whom I’ve never liked. They had very rough lives, grew up fatherless, surrounded by drugs and sketchy situations. I grew up predominantly wealthy, and had a great relationship with my parents. We were very suburban and I was very spoiled. My cousins were always very envious and it showed. We were forced to hangout and eventually became close, & although I always felt there intentions were bad, I began to trust them.
They introduced me to Marijuana. They got me high when I was 14 years old, and I’ve been smoking ever since (Something I’m not proud of, I’m 21 now). They also introduced me to ecstasy, cocaine, methamphetamine, acid, mushrooms… you get it, we got into trouble.
Our parents went on a 3-day vacation leaving my two older cousins in charge. We took advantage of this opportunity and got really fucked up. That was the weekend we had our first sexual encounter. We took 2 Yellow Naked Ladies (ecstasy), drank a bunch of cheap vodka and smoked a lot of pot. We were feeling good, talking openly about everything and anything, including sex. It was obvious by this point that were going to have sex, we could all feel the sexual tension. We started watching porn and eventually started masturbating. One thing led to another, and my oldest cousin had penetrated me. I remember the size, shape, & color of his penis vividly. It was rather large, uncut, and it fucking hurt. I started crying, and kept telling him to stop. He told me it would start to feel good, and boy, it sure did. I fell in love with being fucked (or rather, getting high and then getting fucked). This led me on a dark path of promiscuity, drug addiction, & having unprotected sex. I let my cousin fuck me numerous times after this night, and almost begged him to do so on a few occasions. I started meeting random men via Craigslist and I let a lot of men take advantage of me. I got really deep into the PnP scene and without surprise, contracted HIV. I was having sex with men in their 30’s, 40’s & 50’s at age 17. When I graduated from high school, I moved to California for college. No one I befriended was into drugs, so I stopped. I found out I had HIV when I was 19, & that completely changed my life. I became very emotionally unstable, and suicidal. I had to drop out of school and move back home. I finally told my parents, and the news obviously crushed them. It took a lot of time and a lot of counseling for things to bounce back, but I’ve been taking HIV medication (Atripla) for two years now and still go to my weekly counseling appt. I’m in a healthy relationship and my parents are extremely supportive of my lifestyle choices.
Things are better than before, but I still haven’t finished school. I’m back at a community college temporarily, working on transferring to beautiful Southern California (USC). I have an excellent GPA, and blah, blah, blah… my point is, things can get better. Take control of your life and don’t let it spiral out of control. We all make bad decisions, & some will haunt you for the rest of your life. Being open with my parents and my family has been the biggest help. If you know your parents will support you, then go to them; talk with them, build a stronger relationship with them. It saved my life.