RichardJay-78 copy

Success Story : Richard & Jay

Every now and then, I get amazing success stories in my mailbox like this one, from Richard and Jay. Below is the integral text I received and I have to say I felt emotional and very happy as I was reading it. I’ve been with A4A for more than 10 years and it’s great to see that our work brings together wonderful human beings. Check out their success story below and if you want to share yours, please submit it by contacting us at [email protected]

“I met my husband Jay on Adam a little over 10 years ago. I was living on the Lower East Side and had a second home on the Jersey Shore. Jay’s profile was intriguing and sexy. The one thing I remembered and still joke about was his occupation. It said Government. I started to fantasize, Hmmmm… FBI, CIA, or worked for the Governor, New Jersey had Democratic one at the time. Well, I am in the restaurant business, at that time in Manhattan, and when we first met I said so what do you do for the government and he said he was a health inspector….Restaurateur & health inspector. Funny combo huh?

Well, we got along great and and still are having great times. A few years later I moved back down to the shore and sold my businesses and apartment in the city. Then Jay moved in and a few years later the Supreme Court (in better but not great days) ruled in favor of same sex marriage. I walked into work the next day and got ambushed by sister and a friend “So, when are you two getting married?” I was like what? I thought it was great about the ruling and totally believe that everyone should have that right, I never thought it was for me.

So, later when I got home, Jay, a very quiet guy, was on the couch intently playing one of his games on his phone. I said honey, do you want to get married? He, without missing a beat or his game, said “Ok“. No down on one knee thing, no rings to exchange, no flowers, nada. The beauty of the moment was the simplicity of it. Simply because before the ruling two gay guys like us didn’t have that option yet we lived like we were.

Adam brought Jay and I together. We are the best FWB’s before and after. I’ve made many friends and FWB’s over the years through Adam.
That’s our story, thanks Adam4Adam
Richard “

There are 9 comments

Add yours
  1. Casper

    Like the simple tale, but, again, why do we gays have to emulate the ‘Husband/Wife’ routine? We are males and hence, we are XY nor XX or XYX.

    The Husband/Wife routine doesn’t apply. We gays ‘partner’ as males and should relate that way. I have straight friends who look ‘downward’s when my gay friends refer to themselves as either ‘Husband or Wife’. What they hear is not affirmative; it is derogatory as such nomenclature emulates role playing.

    Even Lesbians have dropped the ‘butch/fem’ routine within the younger generation. The role playing that continues mimics the older generation and we gays want to discontinue the labels’

    The ‘Husband/Wife’ routine continues the labels. I am a married male who is happy with my wife and our son; both know and accept which is why I married.

    No condescension here…just pragmatism.

    • Dave

      Casper, not because you don’t want to get married that ALL gays are like you. That’s a weird way of thinking. Some gays don’t want BF, they just want to fuck with the most guys. Some want exclusivity and get married. Some change boyfriend every now and then but will never get married (like me) Everybody is different.

      • JJ

        Husband and wife are not butch femme roles; they are the words we use in our language to denote the people to whom we are married to. If two men are married they are both husbands obviously, there is no wife. Some like using the word husband for various reasons. Mostly because it has more psychological, social and linguistical weight. A partner could be someone you are just in business with so some don’t like it. A boyfriend feels too casual for some after you get married. Domestic partner is too clinical to have caught on. If we say husband everyone in our culture knows what it means. We finally get to use that word legally if we so choose. Growing up I never thought I would ever get to use that word. I would have to settle for lesser ones. If I ever get married I will use husband because it implies equality. So try not to take it away from those who use the word and just be happy for these men that found love.

    • Victor X

      I agree 100%. As a man, why would I possibly need a “husband”. It’s totally absurd! I grew up enjoying my relations/relationships with men, and never felt like I wanted to emulate straight relationships.
      So, I’m happy for Richard and Jay, but they are not, and never can be, “husband and husband”. To be a husband is the role of a man in the relationship with his wife, which is a role unto itself. I also know for a fact that all the men I’ve fucked with via A4A who’ve since gotten “married” are still playing around either alone or together. I don’t think that’s the idea behind marriage.

  2. Lamar

    Again, being two masculine types; Partner or Mate, would suffice, quite beautifully. That way, no one has to assume feminine or otherwise, that was the way my ex and I introduced each other. Now, if one of these of the couple, is feminine, then, it’s up to them and no one else’s business, how they refer to one another.

    • Hunter0500

      In the professional world, if someone says my “partner”, it’s pretty clear it’s a same sex relationship, regardless of whether it’s two men or two women.

      If you look up “husband”, the word goes back to the Norse and basically means “a male in a relationship, one who is ‘house bound'” … as in setting up a house, a home, a family unit. And until this century, it was generally understood that the relationship was heterosexual.

      Whatever term two guys choose … partner, husband, mate … that’s their choice.

      For sure, “wife” for me is off the table.

      Right now, one of my buds is my “Top Dog”. My other buds are part of the herd. If he and I formalize anything, we’ll figure out how we identify each other publicly.

  3. Casper


    I posted a retort that ‘labels’ are too self-defining. The purpose of labeling is to signify structure and order not to retard individual expression. Labels such as ‘Husband/Wife’ are unnecessary in a gay relationship because both are males…not male/female.

    Why appropriate the Hetero labels of Husband/Wife and therefore, allow Heteros to think that we define our marriages by their nomenclature? Such nomenclature was implemented by the reality of Male/Female marriages not same sex marriages. Once same sex marriages were allowed, why use misappropriated nomenclature to define a new concept of marriage?

    Yes, I am married but I am defined by the traditional labels of “I am a Husband/She is a wife’. That is cultural as well as moral, but we gay males/females need to define ourselves more realistically than Hetero Husbands/Wives’?

  4. Richard

    Hmmmm, well, let’s look at the institution of marriage in it’s self first. Historically, it’s a very young institution. As far as I’ve read and learned legalized marriage for anyone wasn’t based on love it was created for property rights, inheritance, and in the more modern world for the 1600+ advantages over being in a non legal binding relationship in regards to health care, pensions, legal rights etc. Even the Catholic Church permitted priests to be married up to only 200 years ago, And as far as my research on that shows, it was about that the church wanted all those things to go back into the church.

    Pragmatically, Jay and I have saved 100’s of dollars on so many things like phone service, auto insurance, and health insurance (now I’m on his plan..YES!) to name a few. He has a pension, I don’t, so, there’s added financial security in my life now. We own our home together now and get many benefits from that.

    Now romantically, I for one would never marry for money. It’s just not in my DNA. Jay and I are more than lovers, we are the best of friends. There’s an adage sort of- When does the marriage begin? It begins the moment and in our case, when I asked Jay if he wanted to get married and he said “Ok”. That’s when it all changes and a new bond begins on so many levels and grow each day. Our wedding was a amazing celebration of our coming together on a much deeper emotional, spiritual and physical level. Yes there was the legal ceremony yet it wasn’t about that. It was about proclaiming our devotion in life to each other in front of what ended up being close to 500 people because it was on the boardwalk on a beautiful day in April and people just stopped and cheered us on. Who would have thought that that could ever happen even 4 years ago.

    It’s a crazy world in our country right now and especially as of this past Saturday. I believe if the Supreme Court were to rule now, I wouldn’t have the equal rights that most heterosexuals have had for centuries and some for just decades. I even know a few LGBTQ couples that have decided to marry because they are worried that right might be taken away.

    I don’t judge and I don’t really adhere to institutional dogmas. I’ve created my own spiritual life and way of living. Jay and I have created our own marriage particular to us alone. Yes we get all those benefits mentioned before yet our marriage has it’s own set of rules, parameters, and ways of being with each other and with the world outside our home. We were at his family reunion yesterday and he was introducing me to some family members I haven’t met yet as “this is my husband Richard”. It was the first time in 2 1/2 years since our wedding that we shared our relationship in public like that. The great thing, though many there had been to our wedding, that everyone shook my hand and said great to meet you.

    Be who you are. Call yourselves what you will as long as it respectful to the other. Create your own particular relationship as you and the other or others see fit.
    Jay and I did

Post a new comment

Like us to stay in touch with latests posts!