Dating: When You and Your Partner are Both Tops or Bottoms
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The sexuality of gay men is usually divided in 4 preferences: top, bottom, versatile, and side. But this blog post isn’t about the last two as there probably won’t be an issue if you and your partner are both vers or sides but what about if the two of you are either both tops or bottoms? Would you break it off with him?
Anyway, we are asking because often we’d stumble upon this very same question in various forums online. On one such instance, I’ve read one guy say that he preferred being in a relationship with another top and then they’d bring in a bottom when having sex because he loved watching his boyfriend fuck someone else. He thought it was hot.
Conversely, for both guys being bottoms, they were advised on bringing in a top into their relationship. Others on the other hand, advised it would be wise to have a serious talk before both parties enter into a long-term relationship. This one I very much agree on, communication is key in any types of relationship, be it romantic or otherwise. As for bringing in a third person into one’s bed, I always say whatever floats their boat, so long as no one’s being forced or getting hurt, and everyone is using protection why not?
But, that’s me. What about you, guys?
Is having the same sex role preference in bed as your boyfriend a deal breaker for you? Or do you think you will be able to work it out with him? Also, were you ever in a relationship with someone who is also a bottom or top like you? How did that work out for you? Share with us your thoughts and stories in the comments section below.
If you are in a relationship then you have to be versatile in that, you should be able to do everything for each other. But what the hack is a side? Why must we have so many categories???
I like Francis’s comment – for both to able to everything for each other is ideal. I also think a close second is where one is a total top and the other is a total bottom. But in the case of two tops or bottoms, the whole “side” element (means no fucking or bringing in a 3rd guy to fuck or get fucked by both partners) can come into play, though I’ve sought out some fellow tops just to enjoy each others’ bodies – just skipping the fucking part. But that’s just me – I don’t ‘have’ to fuck every time. There’s so much more to gay sex, that I can find my fulfillment outside of The Fuck.
I am a Top,I loves menholes,but I will suck a dick!
I have no idea what a “side” is! Maybe I’m a “side” and don’t know it. I might be 58 years old and ignorant of the fact that I’m a “side” and should have been “siding,” whatever that is, all of my adult life. Life is so unkind.
How would such a relationship even start? I may be terribly 70s, but I slept with hundreds of men, but relationships never arose because the sex was not the good or only just sex. Meet, fuck, maybe fuck again, realize there’s nothing past the sex, move on. If it were not a Tab A into Slot B match, it would not get consideration for a dinner date much less any kind of relationship.
1) I am an oldie too (57 years old) and I am on your side although I keep asking myself where would these two strict tops or strict bottoms meet and go on dating without knowing about their sexual positions. Even a strict dating site (no hookup) should ask guys to list their sexual position or role (top, bottom, versatile, versatile top, versatile bottom, oral, and even “asexual”). It is certainly not at a bar since most guys would have exchanged that information by the end of the first conversation. Where? Can anyone let me know?
2) As for the person who said that when you’re in a relationship, you should be able to do everything to each other, then he should tell that to the strict top who has absolutely NO desire to feel a dick in his ass or would even be in horrible pain if he were to get sexually penetrated. That person is obviously a versatile and thinks that everyone should be a versatile like him. Tops, bottoms, versatiles, versatile tops, and versatile bottoms have ALWAYS existed. It is just that in the past we did not have a short word for each category but guys would ask you what do you like to do (in terms of penetration) and you would respond : “I only fuck”, or “I only get fucked”, or “I do both”, or “I mostly fuck but I get fucked sometimes”, or “I mostly get fucked but I fuck sometimes”. It was the hookup telephone lines and first Internet hookup sites in the second half of the 1990s that introduced these words (tops, bottoms, etc) because it would take much too long to say it on a telephone menu. That’s it!
3) Now, if after all, two strict tops and two strict bottoms decide to have a serious relationship and supplement it with a side, then that is their prerogative. I have been the “side” in similar cases but theses cases were strict top plus versatile (or versatile top) relationships. The versatile or versatile top partner needed to fuck a wet and velvety ass from time to time.
4) On a related topic, I used to meet a couple (top and bottom) for threesomes at their place. They had been together for 15 years and had raised the top’s son together. Since I am a versatile bottom and I was turned on by the bottom partner looks, I used to fuck the bottom while the top used to fuck both of us. One day, while we were taking a break and chatting, the top said : “If I didn’t have So-an-So (the bottom), then it is you (meaning Me) that I would want to be my partner”. I was flabbergasted, I could not believe he would say such a thing in front of his bottom partner. The bottom partner just turned around and looked at both of us without saying a word. I was NEVER invited to their place after that.
5) Finally, I am just trying to assume that these two strict tops or strict bottoms could have met on some strict dating site that did not ask for sexual position or role and these two guys both decided to go on a date anyway without asking each other that question. Next, I guess that they fell in love with one another by the end of the first date. Sounds very romantic, straight form a novel? Well, this only works for “man plus woman” relationships where there is only one Tab A (the man’s dick) to go into one Slot B (the woman’s pussy). Men looking for men should be careful about imitating or aping “man plus woman” relationships, which is something that is becoming more and more prevalent today.
Correction.
In part 3, I used the word “side” to mean “the person on the side, that is to say, the person who provides them with what they are not getting sexually. I did not realize that “side” has now a totally different and outlandish meaning!
Hell, I am just human – I am not a label.
Aren’t gay men past sex position categories yet? It’s limiting, dehumanizing, and another way to separate us. It will be liberating when we realize we are so much more than a sex object.
Being gay and in a relationship is more than just sex. I would say that both my partner and I are both tops, as neither of us do anal, but we both seem to “get off” with each other just fine with each other.
Never heard of “side” before. Oh, yay. Another stupidly-annoying term stolen from a meaning completely unrelated to what it “now” represents. Barf.
I broke up with my ex bf because we were both tops (me sorta vers) who coudln’t “do” each other. Life bites. Then you move on.
I actually hooked up with a total top couple, and that’s how they solved the Top Bottom issue, just have a 3rd. They have been together 20 years so I guess it works for them. I lean more top but not when I’m at their house. Communication is key. Far too often i think I’m gonna be the bottom and end up topping. That’s fine but not the original though behind the hook up.
What 2 tops do behind closed doors stays behind closed doors.
Two gay guys meet. They have the same sexual prefernce. Somehow (big leap there) they keep seeing each other, overcome adversity, and then find themselves in a long term relationship (leap again).
For sure, sadly it’ll end with someone rejected, hurt, cheated on, or lied to…”a victim of love.”
A Broadway play or movie. Perhaps a documentary on popular gay culture. We’ll be taking Tony or Academy Award for sure!
When each is top or bottom you make do. I learned to be a top, when i was a power bottom, for a bf who was a way hung power bottom. I came out of a relationship where my bf was a domineering top into a relationship where my companion was an anal bottom. You work it out. Or you open the relationship.
I was in a relationship where my guy and I were both tops. We both bottomed for each other because we wanted to give each other what we wanted. I didn’t mind getting fucked by him because it made him very happy. We involved a bottom into our relationship and he and the other guy are now married, but the three of us still play. Tops who won’t bottom (or vice versa) for the man they profess to love because they are “only” one way, simply do not love their man. They are likely selfish narcissists.
I agree with the top part of your comment, but I am 100% bottom and trying to fuck someone would make me soft. I don’t know if other bottoms are like me, but an ass is a big turn off for me. A dick though, is something else !
“Tops who won’t bottom (or vice versa) for the man they profess to love because they are “only” one way, simply do not love their man. They are likely selfish narcissists.”
Why? Not everybody is nor wants to be versatile. So their love is less?
As a total top, I resent being labeled as a “selfish narcissist.” I’ve tried bottoming and do not enjoy it. Moreover, being a top is my choice and will most likely remain so. Sex and love are intertwined, but they are not the same thing.
I can’t stand those assigned as, my last lover was a “total bottom,” It’s much more exciting to engage with a flexible man. Sexually you can give each other much more, period, during the love-making or if its just sex with someone you encounter, as in a hook-up.
Lamar, you are a “versatile” (or versatile top) and you should choose only other “versatiles” like you if you want to have full enjoyment. Leave the “total bottom” to the “total top” as far as relationships are concerned (they will be sexually happy together).
For hookups, it can work out between a “versatile” and a “total bottom” since many “versatiles” are not the “flip-flop” type of “versatile” who need to fuck and get fucked during each sexual encounter. Yes, many versatiles change their sexual role (top, or bottom) based on their desire at the time, the guys they are with, etc.
Based on your comment, Lamar, you are a “flip-flop versatile” and you should look for another “flip-flop versatile” for you next relationship.
The “labels” may be relatively new but the sexual roles have ALWAYS existed (see my comment above).
Great point Lamar. When guys box themselves into Top, Bottom, Side, or even Vers, they’re saying “no thanks” to legions of potentially great men. I’m rethinking my Vers label.
In playing with guys I’ve learned there’s a ton of fun sex to be had beyond “a penis must be up an ass or it’s a No Go.” And it doesn’t have to be kinky or wildass. I have made buds with wired asses whimper with delight. I’ve had them about bring me to tears (happy) with their subtle moves. Even buds who like top anal sex have ended sessions happily without anal
And none of it involved the stereotypical requirement that gay sex sucks if someone’s penis isn’t up someone else ass.
Man sex is a giant buffet. Why do so many guys not explore the so many great options?
Then you’re not really a match.
Why would you want to date somebody of the same role as you? You’re going to have to bring in a 3rd person, & I’ve already put my thoughts about that in other posts.
Looks like the responses being expressed here are pretty much that guys who hold onto rigid definitions and behaviors for Tops and Bottoms will come up short. Sure, it’s totally great when a Top can find his “hole” and a Bottom can find his “pole”, but along the way they’ll pass up a lot of great guys. Sad too that they’ll stay in locked into the notion of “with no penis going into an ass, the sex sucks.”
They’ll miss the many many sexual options beyond strict stereotypical anal gay sex. Bill here said it well, “…neither of us do anal, but we both seem to ‘get off’ with each other just fine…” Sometimes my buds and I include anal. More often than not, we’re in Bill’s camp … enjoying the array of sexual activities (from mild to wild) that are available.
The blog is CLEARLY about “preferences” or “sexual roles (top, bottom, versatiles, versatile tops, versatile bottoms) or in a simpler language: who’s fucking who, who fucks more often, who gets fucked more often, etc). The blog does not address foreplay, caresses, deep kissing or other types of sexual enjoyments (like dildo play) which are NOT mutually exclusive with sexual penetration. In other words, you can have foreplay, caresses, deep kissing AND sexual penetration during the same sexual encounter. You may also elect not to have sexual penetration by a penis and have foreplay, caresses, oral sex, etc.
Some guys even prefer to let their lovers deep-fuck with giant dildos! That is their prerogative.
If you don’t like sexual penetration, then that’s your choice! However, you should let other people “enjoy the array of sexual activities that are available” including SEXUAL PENETRATION.
By the way, anal sex is not strictly “gay” sex since heterosexual couples (men and women) do it too. In the early 1980s, I knew a 72 yo lady and she told me that she used to have anal sex when she was sexually active. Her reasoning was simple: “if the man had something hot to drop and she did not want to get pregnant, then it’s anal sex”.
“If you don’t like sexual penetration, then that’s your choice! However, you should let other people “enjoy the array of sexual activities that are available” including SEXUAL PENETRATION.”
Nobody is saying they shouldn’t. But to imply that total tops/bottoms are wrong if they don’t become verse. My thinking is that you learn what a person is into sexually early on & should know if you will be a match.
SOUTHERNBOISB, come down the chandelier! We are of the same opinion (see my replies above to “LAMAR” and “PostGayGrandDad”). I was responding to his comment “Sad too that they’ll stay in locked into the notion of “with no penis going into an ass, the sex sucks.”
SOUTHERNBOISB, I have no problem being a total bottom for my man so if you’re a total top, hit me up.
Personally, I’m vers, but I have been with a couple who both considered themselves tops, and really enjoyed being a total bottom for the two of them. Neither of them seemed to have a problem with involving me in their relationship in order for the two of them to satisfy their sexual urges. Personally, I would want to be monogamous with my partner in a long term relationship, but if having a third guy to fulfill the missing role works for you, then go for it. It never seemed to cause an issue for the couple I played with. If that’s not your thing, I guess things could get trickier, depending on how important that particular kind of sex is for you.
Why do people on here try to sound so evolved no we are not past labels considering the community creates so many themselves society demands labels until that changes we will always have them.
NEXT BLOG TOPIC: Whats A Side?
What if you’re diagonal?
If two tops or two bottoms are in a relationship with each other my guess is that they’re VERY creative sexually.
They’re like Bonnie and Clyde.
Riding around at night robbing boi bussy….