Dating: Things Not To Say To HIV+ People
While there’s now more information about HIV than there was during the height of the AIDS crisis of the 80s and early 90s, that doesn’t mean that the stigma that surrounds HIV+ people has completely disappeared. So many misconceptions still hound HIV+ people, making many aspects of their life difficult. Some, like Eurovision winner Conchita Wurst, even get blackmailed.
Dating is one such aspect of their life impacted by misconceptions, misinformation, and just plain insensitivity when it really shouldn’t be. Adam4Adam is a dating platform for gay and bisexual males, with or without HIV, and we want everybody here to have a good time. If you’re interested in dating someone HIV+ or want to turn them down without being unintentionally offensive, take a look at these five things you definitely shouldn’t say to HIV+ people.
- “I can’t date you because I want to stay clean.”
Think about it. When you say this to someone HIV+, you’re basically telling them that they’re unclean, which simply isn’t the case. It also implies that HIV+ people can’t be touched, and that doing so “taints” other people. We all know by now that HIV isn’t transmitted by touch, and it can’t be passed on by those who have an undetectable viral load either. It would just be better all around to stop saying this altogether.
2. “Why didn’t you tell me earlier?”
While Adam4Adam profiles have a section for HIV status, this isn’t something that we require users to fill up. The reason for this is because just like someone sexual orientation, one’s HIV status isn’t something to be forced out of them.
There’s also the fact that one’s medical information should be treated as private and confidential unless it’s the person himself divulging the information. It’s not something that you share with third parties either, like another dating platform has done.
Lastly, if we’re being completely honest, some people wouldn’t even give HIV+ people a chance if they started a conversation with their status. How can you blame them for only choosing to disclose it further down the line?
3. “Disease Free Only”
Just like the previous item on this list, if you put this on your profile, you’re automatically rejecting people with HIV, without even bothering to find out what they are like as a person. Also, it’s not like having this on your profile is a magical talisman that will shield you from infection. Not everyone with HIV knows that they have it. Rather than making people opt out of your dating pool, get to know them first. Additionally, have an actual safe sex strategy rather than just leaving the responsibility to other people.
4. “Have you infected someone before?”
Not only is the question incredibly intrusive, it’s incredibly hard to answer. HIV can remain dormant for very long periods, so it would be difficult to know exactly who exposed whom to the virus. Health departments would probably be able to pinpoint it, but they rightly wouldn’t share anybody’s personal medical information. Additionally, asking this question puts the onus of sexual safety on the HIV+ person, when it should be on both persons having sex.
5. “So, you have AIDS?”
It’s hard to believe, but there are still some people that don’t know the difference between AIDS and HIV. AIDS only happens to HIV+ people once their immune system completely fails. But with the tremendous advances made in antiretroviral therapy over the decades, AIDS cases have gone lower and lower. So don’t just blindly assume that just because someone is HIV+, that they have AIDS too.
To our HIV+ users, what other things are you sick and tired of hearing on dating platforms? Tell us about it in the comments section below.
Frankly I am tired of dealing with poz men who keep trying to convince me that they can’t transmit the virus because they are undetectable. I don’t care. I know what the studies have said. I’ve read all the literature. As far as I’m concerned, when I say, “I’m hiv/std neg and plan to stay that way, ” means I engage in safe sex, especially with someone I don’t know personally and am only recently interacting with online. People can say they are undetectable and maybe they’ve skipped their medication, or got gonorrhea, clamidia, syphilis or hep, whatever in their last hook up. And don’t try to convince me that just because you are on Prep that that means you are “clean” (language that some poz men use themselves to manipulate their chances of getting laid) and not capable of transmitting an std. All that does is lower your chances of getting infected but it’s not 100% full proof. Nothing short of abstinence is. Of course, I’m feel sorry for poz men and anyone who contracts a disease or condition and try to be sensitive toward their situation and not say things that would hurt their feelings. But by the same token poz individuals aren’t always respectable human beings either, especially on hook up sites where the main goal is getting laid. I’m not saying they should disclose their status up front. I respect their right to privacy on the matter, but if I ask you and you tell me your poz, don’t try to force me to believe that we can engage in sex without any risks. Risk or not, I’m not interested. And that’s my right also.
Well I am sure they are tired of people like you who still choose to discriminate against them, shaming them for taking PrEP or for being open and honest about being undetectable because you harbor bias against those with HIV, and consider them to be dishonest, and willing to lie to get you into bed with them. I am sure there are some like that just like there are guys like you who are very much into being safe but then they cheat on their partners and and have those slip ups but feel they don’t need to get tested cause those are so rare but then they end up being the ones spreading HIV. So no ones perfect, but your bias towards those with HIV is wrong.
Yes I SO agree. Im so sick of that U = U bullshit. Guys lie all the time about taking meds. If you ask all these “Undetectable” guys to see their pills I bet 40% wont have them.
Not to mention people will be late for a dose, or miss a dose. Happens to everyone on any medication sooner or later.
I really dont want to have to change my insurance plan, or my life, just for 15 minutes of sex that feels good, and you’ll never call me back after.
No thanks, Im good.
Ben, can you focus on commenting on the article and not on stupidity created in your head? People who are positive don’t usually miss a dose because they know how it can affect their wellbeing. Even if they miss a dose, it’s not a big deal, but this, you don’t know, because you have no clue what you’re talking about.
So when guys lie about being on Prep, *Im* the bad guy?
I love when poz guys try to “educate” me on how not to catch hiv. Yet I’ve been able to stay negative after 20+ years of sex and they are poz, probably repeatedly.
lol, not saying you are the bad guy.
You can only “become” poz ONCE, bud.
Angel, I love fuckn guys like you and lying to your face about my hiv status I suggest u stay celibate
I really appreciate this article. I think there should be outbound links for resources so people can get familiar with HIV. So many men on these sites do not even know about the disease. Fear of the unknown is usually what upsets me and the lack of education.
Agree with you 100 percent
I love when guys ask me if I’m disease free…..I could honestly say yes, I’m disease free….. you didn’t ask me if I’m virus free….. I’ve been + for 24 years, I’ve heard it all! I get preachy when someone rejects me when they’ve tested neg mos ago….. how do you know you’re still neg? How do you know that someone who says they’re neg really is neg? They may not know, may not care, or may be lying. I blame no one for my exposure. I wasn’t raped, I chose to have sex. If you choose to have sex, choose wisely. If you’re gonna reject a human being for having a virus, then let’s home you don’t get a real disease like cancer.
You’re fucking disgusting. If somebody doesn’t want to have sex with you because you’re HIV positive you need to respect that. You made your choices and now you’re infected. You want to put a guy at risk over semantics? You’re low and desperate. I’ll never feel guilty for not wanting to be with someone who could give me a virus that will affect me every day for the rest of my life. Maybe the next blog should focus on men like you who knowingly try to spread HIV instead of trying to make guys who don’t want a virus out to be the bad guy.
Craig, undetectable cannot give HIV. It has nothing to do with a choice. Getting HIC is not a choice…
Maybe that person got it by fucking with his cheating BF, what do you know about how he got infected? So you can’t judge.
Obviously, Dave’s not up on the latest research from the UK tgat proved yhat certain immunoprotected parts of the body, like the brain AND the testes, can indeed harbor higher viral counts long after the general bloodstream is “undetectable.” Sorry to wreck your day.
lol, yeah if you would follow this blog regularly, you would see that I wrote about it in February as soon as the study came out. But having traces of virus in your brain or testes is not enough to transmit the virus. But that, you don’t know, because you read the study in diagonal. Nice try though and sorry to wreck your day!
TIREDOFIT,
Please ignore that sorry excuse of a man, he is definitely not informed and refuse to acknowledge what is actually TRUE because it goes against what he wants other to believe is accurate when it is not. He is absolutely the type of guy who couldn’t see something if it was right in front of his face. He is clearly in denial man… “traces” of it in the testes? I mean come on dude, give us a break… are you even for real right now? It could be much more than just a “trace” man and being that that’s where semen is “manufactured” and is probably the fluid that transmits the virus the most, I doubt it’s just a “trace”…
Lord have mercy, this guy… EXHAUSTINGLY ignorant
Dave, seriously dude, you are sooooo beyond misinformed. HIV can be a choice, ever heard of the bugchasing/giftgiving culture? Obviously not, research it… next….
NOW, I agree, not everyone who is infected became so through promiscuous or other risky behaviors man…sometimes people are infected through work place hazards such as nurses or doctors, cheating partners and even blood transfusions(YES, IT STILL HAPPENS!)
Yeah I wrote about it years ago, on this blog, I’m very informed, don’t worry about me. But that’s an extreme minority of people, but that you probably didn’t know…
Craig, you’re a dumb… well, you’re just dumb. Seth did NOT say he does that at all – he said based on semantics that’s the way he COULD answer a rudely put question. Not that he does it.
And NOWHERE did he say he would try to infect someone if he could (which as undetectable, he can’t) you claim you’re educated about it – you are not.
Wow dude, do you literally not see how many fear-based, insensitive conclusions you came to? I’m negative, and this dude is 100% accurate and mature about his perspective, and you attacked him and tried to annihilate him down to a speck. Think before you fucking write next time, keyboard warrior. This is a condition, like all others, that if one human faces, we’re all in it together.
Not everyone made choices that got them HIV some had the choice made for them by partners who cheated when they were supposed to be in a monogamous relationship. Someone could have been sexually assaulted and got it that way. So before you get all high and mighty casting judgement that someone made the choice that got them HIV you might want to remember that is not always the case.
Exactly!
Kudos to you Dave for this post. Too many guys have little information about this topic and just reading some of these comments on profiles pisses me off. The gay community especially should be WAY more sensitive to this.
I totally agree with you on this. 🙂
“How’d you get it?”
None of your fucking business, THAT’S how.
I always say, “guess I fucked the wrong dude.”
Bad dick lol
You know what’s worse than “Have you infected anyone?”
Try listening to: Who’d you catch it from? Then watching slut shaming when I answer or don’t answer.
I’m surprised at the number of people who have told me “undetectable” is just another name for HIV. Then they turn around and sleep with someone who lied or doesn’t know they’re carrying the virus and aren’t taking any meds.
Amen.
I don’t want a virus or disease I can’t get rid of. Articles like this want to destigmatize HIV but there are a lot of people who make it a point to have unsafe sex and they deserve to be stigmatized. I put disease and virus free only in my profiles. Sorry not sorry.
Nobody wants to give any virus Craig. But HIV+ guys also deserve to love and be loved, and they also can have sex. If you don’t want to meet a positive person, it’s your choice, but also accept that other guys can have a different opinion.
Yes, they do deserve to love and be loved but they also need to do it the honest way. Be up front about your status and let the guy choose whether or not he still wants to pursue you sexually or otherwise… being dishonest about it only says what type of person you really are. I absolutely agree with Craig… Articles like this only seek to destigmatize and in doing so, only creates falsehoods that will lead to more new infections due to the misinformation obtained within… It is absolutely not true that an HIV positive person with an undetectable status cannot pass the virus on.
The information below is straight from the CDC website!!!… You need to read it and educate yourself dude, especially the second to last paragraph! I have included the link so you and anyone else can go read for themselves and not take false statements at face value.
Viral load is the amount of HIV in the blood of someone who is HIV-positive. When the viral load is very low, it is called viral suppression. Undetectable viral load is when the amount of HIV in the blood is so low that it can’t be measured.
In general, the higher someone’s viral load, the more likely that person is to transmit HIV. People who have HIV but are in care, taking HIV medicines, and have a very low or undetectable viral load are much less likely to transmit HIV than people who have HIV and do not have a low viral load.
However, a person with HIV can still potentially transmit HIV to a partner even if they have an undetectable viral load, because
•HIV may still be found in genital fluids (semen, vaginal fluids). The viral load test only measures virus in blood.
•A person’s viral load may go up between tests. When this happens, they may be more likely to transmit HIV to partners.
•Sexually transmitted diseases increase viral load in genital fluids.
If you’re HIV-positive, getting into care and taking HIV medicines (called antiretroviral therapy or ART) the right way, every day will give you the greatest chance to get and stay virally suppressed, live a longer, healthier life, and reduce the chance of transmitting HIV to your partners.
https://www.cdc.gov/actagainstaids/basics/transmission.html
I’m glad you don’t want to be poz. Neither do I.
I’ll glad you’re ALWAYS safe and NEVER make mistakes or trust the wrong person. Hope you never have to face what you’re putting forward.
I’m negative, on PrEP as a precaution and sometimes play safe and sometimes don’t (that’s not this conversation). But I know my risk levels.
I honestly hope a condom never breaks. I hope you never have a sore in your mouth when you give oral. I hope you use a condom for oral. Because God help those like you when life takes a turn and gives you something you didn’t want.
Who will YOU turn to? Who will you expect will take the blame? I don’t see you taking ANY of it for yourself.
#Sad.
Everyone is so porn made and doing any and everything these days from the sexually provoking ads that are posted everywhere on these sites making everyone think “Its a sex site “. Maybe you should make a A4A+ for hiv+ people . Because these people are not telling anyone they have anything …As long as they get what they want out of they are fine with that …Men lie so much in this lifestyle its just best to tape your dick to your back and keep it too youself . Its tuff out here .
Wow – check you out. You think ALL poz people hide it. You’re so wrong. But your clear hatered and judgement is for sure why some of them feel they should.
They shouldn’t and doing so is wrong. But wow, your attitude – dang bud.
Should there be an A4A for tall men or short men? What about A4A for bald men? Just saying! People will continue to find ways to discriminate and box others “in” or themselves “out”
Actually, I think that Will has a valid point about separating HIV-positive guys and HIV-negative guys on this site although Will and I are coming from very different positions. You do not need to create a separate site. Adam4Adam just needs to include the same “HIV Status” field that is in the “Update Your Profile” page to the “Quick search” menu for the “Members Online” page. Hence, guys who are looking for “HIV-negative” guys only can check that choice and they will only see HIV negative profiles. On the other hand, guys like me who are HIV-positive and who are interested only in HIV-positive guys, can check the choices “Positive” and “Positive Undetectable”.
Right now, the “Quick Search” menu of the “Members Online” page includes four criteria only : 1) the location, 2) the ethnicity, 3) the age range, and 4) profiles “with Pictures Only”. Adam4Adam should also include several other fields from the “Update Your Profile” to the “Quick Search” for “Members Online” such as “Sexual Role” (Bottom, Top, Versatile, Oral, Versatile Top, Versatile Bottom, Foreplay), “Looking For” (Friendship, Relationship, NSA Sex, Group, etc.), “Practice” (Bareback, Condom), etc.
In fact, all that separation is already possible by going to the “Search” page, choosing the criteria that you are looking for only, and clicking “Online members only” at the bottom. However, it would be much easier if one could do it from the “Quick search” menu on the “Members Online” page.
As the proverb says : “You can lead a horse to the river but you cannot force him to drink the water”. If despite the accumulated medical evidence, certain HIV-negative people do not want to deal with HIV-positive people, then give them a wide berth. Improving the “Quick Search” menu of the “Members Online” page the way I suggest above is a very easy way to do it.
not gonna happen. You can search for negative guys if you want, the filter has been there for many years.
I am looking for HIV-positive guys. Re-read my comment : “On the other hand, guys like me who are HIV-positive and who are interested only in HIV-positive guys, can check the choices “Positive” and “Positive Undetectable”.
Oh but we can use filters for positive, positive undetectable already though…
Dave,
As I said before : “You can lead a horse to the river but you cannot force him to drink the water” . The “horse” here represents the HIV-negative guys and the “water” is today’s medical knowledge about HIV non-transmission from undetectable HIV-positive people. Apparently, you did not completely read my comment since I said CLEARLY : “On the other hand, guys like me who are HIV-positive and who are interested only in HIV-positive guys, can check the choices “Positive” and “Positive Undetectable”.
Dave, I mean it. Stop wasting your time trying to convince these recalcitrant HIV-negative guys. The vast majority of HIV-positive guys like me have NO problem giving these busters “a wide berth”. I truly feel more comfortable on a relationship-level and have much more intense pleasure with HIV-positive guys like me than with HIV-negative guys.
I truly think that it would be a very good idea to “shake off” these busters by separating the website.
OK. This article is VERY misinforming. HIV absolutely CAN BE TRANSMITTED VIA AN UNDETECTABLE VIRAL LOAD; It IS harder to do but it IS POSSIBLE.
2nd- It is THE LAW in most places that a person divulge their HIV+ status to anyone they are going to partake in sexual activity with, HIPPA laws do NOT protect them from having to do that. Doubt me? Look up the cases of HIV+ men being charged for not disclosing this information. This is a major problem with why infection continue to spread, people are being dishonest and not telling their status or just straight up lying about it and HIV negative users reading inaccurate posts such as this one. As far as them not giving you a chance if you tell them, better that then to potentially go to jail for being dishonest, OR, how about seeking out OTHER HIV POSITIVE partners… that’s an idea right there that would solve just about everything here.
3rd- There is nothing wrong with putting “Disease free only” in your profile. NO, this does NOT protect you from liars, however, it sets your standard/expectations right up front. Most honest HIV positive people will simply move on. Have a safe sex strategy, huh? What about the predators out there who are into “stealthing” and intentionally passing on HIV? I guess we should ignore that fact…. please.
4th- I would never ask someone something like that, I don’t usually get to that point with someone who is HIV positive. Who cares if they have infected anyone before? that is irrelevant really
5th- If someone is still that out of touch to realize that an HIV positive status does not equate to an AIDS status, that’s the least of their worries.
ANGEL is agree with you 100%, there are too many deceivers out there and all this article does is make excuses for them, it’s insane… hold these people accountable.
Seth- Don’t be ignorant, a virus IS a disease…. HIV is listed under “Infectious DISEASES” for a reason…. ugh… one again, yet another manipulator trying to get over on someone
Ask the CDC the proportion of gay men who have HIV in big cities. You will be surprised. You probably fucked with tons of HIV+ guys, who didn’t tell you.
If you don’t have safe sex with everyone, regardless of what they tell you, you’re playing with your health. Don’t blame your own responsibilities on anyone else.
Actually, I’m sure I have NOT seeing as how I am EXTREMELY selective in the guys I choose to play around with and I never play around with a guy who uses “clean to describe his sexual health, anyone who goes bareback EVER, anyone who has EVER used any kind of drugs except 420, the HIV neg on prep or the “undetectable”… I do NOT play with bottoms AT ALL, we all know most total bottoms are just walking cesspools…. oh yeah…and… I guess it’s a good thing I don’t live in a big city… go figure…
But furthermore Mr. Dave… The proportion of HIV positive guys in large cities has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that your statement regarding HIV undetectable guys being unable to infect someone is completely false. As stated in the literature on the CDC website, to which I provided you the link, undetectable only measures the virus in the blood, it does NOT measure the amount of the virus in other body fluids. Viral loads can be higher in seminal fluids while being “undetectable” in the blood.
But humor me… Let’s say you’re right, for the sake of argument…. Am I supposed to believe these undetectable guy when they say “I’m undetectable”? The same guys who doesn’t disclose their HIV status on websites or withholds it from anyone who doesn’t ask? The same undetectable guys who lie about being “clean”?…. Do tell Dave, how in the natural world would anyone truly know that a guy is IN FACT undetectable? take his word for it I guess…. RIGHT!
Ok so you think that by asking someone “have you ever taken any drug” or “have you ever barebacked” that he will tell you the truth? Ah! Keep in mind that most won’t tell you the right answer.
HIV+ guys get tested every 2-3 months and medication suppress the virus. I know few couples that are zero discordant and they both know that they can transmit the virus. They will fuck with a condom to to protect the negative one even though he is on PrEP.
Anyways, this article is not about convincing people to fuck with positive guys, it’s about respecting them, that’s all.
Sure sounds like a hell of a lot of convincing going on here to me Dave. If we need to respect them then they need to show those of us who do not care to play around with positive guys the same respect and not get all pissed off when a guy says he’s not interested. The first thing most of them say is, there are liars here, good luck getting a guy to tell you the truth OR try to convince us to have sex with them because they’re “undetectable”… I could care less, it’s still a no go for me….PERIOD
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: If I am on HIV medications and my viral load is undetectable (meaning that the virus isn’t showing up on blood tests), can I still pass the virus to another person through sex?
The research results available at this time show that our current HIV medication regimens (antiretroviral therapy, or ART) are extremely effective at preventing HIV transmission to a sex partner if the HIV viral load is undetectable. The following three studies focus on this question.
A large international study looked at couples (largely heterosexual) in which one partner was HIV positive and the other was HIV negative (we call these serodifferent couples). The study found that if the positive partners took ART to suppress their viral loads, their risk of infecting their partners was enormously reduced, by 93% overall, over about 5 years. And, if the HIV-positive partner was consistently on HIV medications, with an undetectable HIV viral load, there were no partner infections. It is important to note that the couples in this study were encouraged to use condoms.
A smaller study looked at both male-female serodifferent couples and male-male serodifferent couples who did not use condoms (and did not plan to use them). All of the HIV-positive partners in the study were on ART and had undetectable HIV viral loads. After more than a year, none of the HIV-negative partners had been infected by their partner.
The third study examined male-male serodifferent couples. Again, all of the HIV-positive partners were on ART and had undetectable HIV viral loads. During the study, there were more than 12,000 episodes of anal receptive sex (which confer the highest risk of HIV transmission) in which there was no use of condoms or PrEP. There were no HIV transmissions between the positive men on ART and their HIV-negative partners.
The results of these studies show that if an HIV-positive person is on ART with a completely suppressed HIV viral load, the risk of infecting an HIV-negative sex partner is exceedingly low. The CDC reviewed these data and stated that, “People who take ART daily as prescribed and achieve and maintain an undetectable viral load have effectively no risk of sexually transmitting the virus to an HIV-negative partner.”
This is extremely reassuring for everyone who takes ART every day and whose viral load stays undetectable. As you think about yourself and your partner(s), here are some things to consider:
The risk of HIV transmission will increase substantially if someone’s HIV viral load goes up, for example if they miss medication doses or stop taking their ART.
An HIV-negative person will not be protected from being infected by any other HIV-positive partners who are not taking ART.
We have very few data on how effective ART is in preventing HIV transmission via sharing injection drug equipment.
ART does not prevent STDs or pregnancy–use other strategies (such as condoms) as needed.
It is important to ask your health care provider for advice that is targeted to you as an individual, and to your partner, about the risks of passing HIV. You may or may not need methods other than daily ART. And of course, it is really important to have frank and open conversations about HIV transmission with your HIV-negative partner(s), so you and they can make informed decisions about sexual health.
Susa Coffey, MD
December 2017
Really now? Well, this is NOT on the CDC website, so, if you don’t mind, I’ll take their word for it, not this bogus study you’re quoting. I also took the time to actually research this Susa Coffey person after reading your post. The link to the CDC website on HIV transmission is provided for you below…. check it out and get the facts dude…
https://www.cdc.gov/actagainstaids/basics/transmission.html
Dr. Coffey,
Thank you for your well written and logic-based comment. The ad hominem argument of many others can effectively divert the narrative from the point of the article. When I was diagnosed in as HIV poz In November 2017, my fears (irrational at time) led me back to the closet I fought so hard to leave. Hidden behind the metaphorical walls of my closet, I withdrew from the world around means fell deeper into depression, feelings of worthlessness and profound sadness. Other HIV + men helped me live by showing me that I was not the walking dead; that I had value and necessary to my children (ages 7 and 4 at the time) m, my parents and my community. The biggest problem, however, was that very community. When I rejoined the dating apps or websites, I immediately changed my status from negative to HIV poz undetectable. Why? At the time I was (and still am) undetectable. More importantly, I believed that as a socially conscious person, I have an obligation to those in my community to be honest. I was one of the first to disclose in my small town conservative Southern city. It was (and is not) easy. Because of words like “clean” or questions about my fault in contracting the virus or actions such as “blocking, ignoring or bullying or laws that criminalize exposure (in many but not all, states exposure is not criminal. Intentional exposure is criminal. It’s different, I promise) suggested that I keep quiet about my status. I didn’t but it has not been easy. I have been told to kill myself on Adam4adam (through not fault of Adam4adam), Grindr and a variety of other sites. My point is simply that we should treat each other with compassion and decency without judgment. It promotes honesty and openness not found when fear pushes a group away.
I don’t think anyone wants to get HIV or any other STD, or even a cold or flu for that matter. True I was tested neg less than a month ago. But HIV isn’t the only thing you can get from having sex with someone, (male or female). Yes, I think one should have safe sex with unknown partners, unless you know he is clean and virus free of any kind of disease. But why shun guys who have HIV. They are just as human as anyone. There is such a stigma concerning HIV, which in my opinion is uncalled for. Most of the HIV infections are transmitted during anal sex, but true that’s not the only way you can pick up the virus. I understand PReP can help you from getting it, and also keep it at bay for those who have HIV. But it is so expensive, hardly anyone can afford it, and insurance may or may not cover it at all. Pharmaceutical companies are using HIV medications to make billions of dollars and stuff their CEOs pockets. If they really cared about the spread of HIV, they would try to get grants, lower their prices so it can be affordable to all. Don’t shun those who have HIV, after all it’s just another virus. Be there for him, care about him, and help him through the emotional struggles that he will go through. Play safe, and be his friend.
JFYI, Truvada (aka PrEP) can be gotten for FREE with a copay card from Gilead – the big bad Rx company that makes it. FREE. Tho you still need quarterly testing which you should do ANYHOW.
Just. So. You. Know. Okay? You’re welcome.
I’ve been hiv-positive for almost 16 years and like one of the other posters I’ve heard it all. I am one of the guys who posts that I am positive and I still get guys who chat with me for a while and then finally read my profile and then either block me or give me some b******* about I should have told them! I mean really guys come on!
Gay men we should all know exactly what’s going on in the field of HIV, and if you don’t want to know then don’t have sex!
It’s as easy as that!
People really should read profiles all the way. I’d never shun a hot healthy dude just because of status.
Yeah dude, it’s kind of THE LAW that you disclose your status to anyone you are going to engage in ANY KIND of sexual activity with or you risk facing charges should that person choose to pursue them. I personally will definitely be pressing charges to the fullest extent of the law on any guy who plays around with me and I later find out he’s positive. And don’t give me that, “well maybe he became positive after you” BS… not buying it, he can prove it in court… just that simple…
Actually dude… It’s NOT mandatory to disclose status on A4A, I do it because I’m not afraid of my hiv status or being open about it like sooo many here on A4A!
Well, my take on the HIV+ concern is to be concerned. Profiles that include bareback but negative, I swollow, my partner and I, no STD’s and the list continues are definitely red flags of concern. I feel protection and being informed is the best answer.
You are right.
Honestly, my profile on here does in fact state “I’m looking for std-/hiv-, only, if there is such anymore.” I’m suggesting “other things to do” sexually in my profile.
I’m in Broward Co., So. Florida, it’s quite rampant here, each year they come out with new statistics where this very county, consistently, has the highest rate of infection in the country. It’s where the highest percentage of gay people live in So. Flo. The majority of people bed-hop like nobodies business, and they’re fucking messy about it as all hell. The ones whom aren’t all-out-racists, love them some black “BBC,” not black men, but “BBC,” talk about dehumanization all over again; racist in itself. Not to mention, gay men mostly, are just using each other for sex anyway. That, goes for double as a “BBC,” lol, because it’s all about sex, right, NSA, raw, ect?
I’m very age appropriate, conservatively, half the profiles I look at; they are indeed hiv+, being what So. Flo is, in these regards, NO, I don’t feel bad for stating my case as clearly and carefully as I have. It’s not as though I’m discriminating, just don’t want to waste their nor my time, sorry, not in the least.
This article might as well say….what not to say to gay people, to black people, to short people, to fat people….etc. It is just simple. Treat everyone with respect. If you don’t want to be with someone that is positive, say so. It is your body. You put in it what you want to put in it. The best case would be to treat everyone as being positive. Have safe sex. And being undetectable does not mean you won’t give it to someone. There is a very small chance that you will. If you don’t want any STD’s practice safe sex.
The ONLY reason anyone under age, say, 45 or older, has HIV or AIDS is because they were careless and reckless. That, and the fact that there is NO guarantee that it is not transmissible is enough to say, “off-limits” unless you are willing to take the risk of contracting it. They love to say, “I am undetectable,” but that is only true as of their last blood test. They recently found the virus remains within their body, in the testicles, ironically. I will not risk my health on this kind of person.
And I could not care less about their feelings. They should have thought of this before they went barebacking.
Wow – couldn’t care less about fellow gay men and the community? They ALL got it because they “went barebacking”, eh?
Maybe they got raped. Maybe they got ruffied and date raped. Maybe they were in a commuted, looong term “monogamous” relationship with some cheating a-hole. MAYBE they got it from ORAL (if you think that’s impossible you are sadly mistaken – even if it’s less likely) – – do YOU use a condom for oral? Do you rim at all? Do you use a condom on your tongue or a dental damn or female condom for THAT too, pal?
Judgementle, insensitive people like you is what this blog was about. Not asking for your opinion on whether you would have sex with them. Just ways to consider how other MEN feel. People like you are the reason some of these men still feel shunned about their status.
Not everyone who is poz is just simply a slut who “went BB’ing”. I know a young man, early 30’s who was jumped walking home from a bar and LITERALLY raped by someone he didn’t even know and became poz – yet you think the only way to get it is to “go BB’ing”.
You’re the type of individual that saddens me – truly.
As I said to someone above – I hope a condom never breaks on you when you are having sex with the guy who “tells” you he is negative because he never gets tested. Because you will have to find someone to blame for your lack of abstinence – which is the ONLY 100% safe thing. G’luck guy.
There has Never been a case of an undetectable person male or female , str8t or gay that has infected anyone as long as they take their meds as prescribed. Thats from the CDC . It never ceases to amaze me how quickly the hate from neg persons suddenly changes when they become positive . Love defeats Hate ! Come on guys lets love more !
“I don’t want to SOUND like a BIGOT but ….”
… What ever follows these words, expect some bigotry, and by all means, in regards to THIS blog, try replacing the letters “HIV” with some other term like “GAY” and imagine that ALL the other BIGOTS out there BELIEVE that same crap that follows, about YOU:
I was a kid in the 80s, I read the articles, heard the jokes, and watched a generation DESTROYED. Humans can be so unkind to their own kind, and worse to those they do not see as humans. How lucky I was to live in a family where it was unacceptable to say unkind things about others — ANY others, because it was not consistent with my upbringing, my religion, but basically bigotry of any kind was not acceptable in my parents’ home.
Even now, I find myself quasi-shocked at the incendiary commentary here. I believed guys HERE would be enlightened! I thought those who identified as some where on the spectrum of LGBTQ, gender queer, men who love or sleep with men, might just be less judgemental of other guys who share many of these aspects.
While I struggled in the 90s with identifying my own sexuality, it was two amazing guys who were kind, caring, and beyond supportive. When I struggled with the possibility of not wanting to deal with my sexuality (I thought I’d rather die then share how I felt inside), the only two ‘friends’ who didn’t try to ‘get in my pants’ finally trusted me enough to share their positive statuses. I never had been with a man, and didn’t plan on it being a regular quickie thing either – But I cannot tell you how much I appreciated their faith in me, and their friendship in that time. I still feel very ‘outside’ in THIS community, and honestly it is not because of guys with HIV+ status, because most of them tend to be honest and forward – it is the hateful bitchy queens who scream about honesty in status reporting, while they play ‘hide the sausage’ politics. It’s sadly been repeated over and over in this very blog, but as the sun sets, my message count rises, and those same guys are hitting me up requesting quick, anonymous, bareback sex, with ME — a stranger … My metal was forged in the 80s, my status regarding all STD/STIs is MY RESPONSIBILITY. Just as my demeanor, and the way I address my brothers — ALL MY BROTHERS HERE, is on me. I can be a friend TO ANYONE HERE because I am all about finding out more about your insides than I am about either of us being inside, and sadly that is the main-goal for so many … a quick shot in a warm empty soul …
Face it, it is not ‘Poz-phobia,’ some of you are trapped in an internalized homophobic rage; so here’s hoping you can overcome yourselves and live happy self-actualized lives!
AMEN!
It’s a ridiculous conversation. Protect yourself; your body is your responsibility and yours alone.
I’m happy that we’re having this conversation. Now we should leap 6 steps ahead and talk about why HIV+ won’t date each other. Why HIV+ people continue to promote bareback sex? Why HIV+ reject HIV- people when we refuse to have unprotected sex with them? That HIV+ can stop taking their medication or aren’t consistent in taking it which can change their “undetected” status.
These basic conversations are from 10-12 years ago and really serve no purpose. What about what HIV+ men shouldn’t say or attempt to do with HIV Neg Men? Why are HIV+ people always placed in the category as the victim?
OMG TY, I could kiss you right now!! I agree with you 100% man, it blows my mind how many POZ guys are constantly promoting bareback sex and won’t compromise on that for anything. WHY will they not just date each other? Because a lot of them are predatory and get off on trying to sleep with neg guys… its sickening really…
Watch out those, you’re gonna get some backlash for the truth you just spoke… Don’t worry, we’ll fight it together man, I right there with you on this!
Just recently, Grindr came under fire for sharing users’ disclosed HIV status along with identifiable user info with two third party vendors.
Though I’m a pretty unashamed HIV positive man, there’s plenty of potential danger with disclosure outside of our little community. I can only hope (and a4a, PLEASE assure us!) that a4a is protecting our status info if and when you send profile data to third parties to “enhance the user experience”, or whatever Grindr called it.
I’m not too concerned about sharing my status with guys here, but I would rather it stay here if possible.
Hi Mick, no info whatsoever is shared with third parties. We don’t sell any informations, emails, not even your age, this is not our business’ practice. The yellow app obviously has a different business model, selling information for profits.
Thank you Dave, that’s reassuring! It’s pretty incredible the amount of venom just in this little string against poz guys. We’re not all either victims or predators. I didn’t think it could happen to me, but it did. If I were totally open with it out in the real world, you can imagine the toxic reactions my presence might elicit in all kinds of situations, still today. So I’d rather keep that info just here.
Yeah I totally understand what you mean. Usually people who work with positive guys, who have positive friends or lover, are way more informed than some of these haters who left mean comments here. Education is key!
Well, I have never left a comment on here, so here I go. If I recall there was a subject not too long ago about it was discovered that HIV can be hiding in the testicles for they don’t really know how long. So even though I am neg at all of my test it doesn’t mean that it isn’t hiding in my testicles, just something to put out there. I have dated a guy for almost 3 years who was Positive and and I have tested neg for the last 15 years but I cannot be sure anymore.
Sorry if there are errors in my comment I responded on my cell. But life is hard enough and there’s just one more thing to hate another gay guy for. Have some compassion and not be so hateful to our brothers. Keep your comments simple don’t be so hateful tomorrow comes to soon.
I am tired of the Me Too movement.
Frankly it’s important to know your partner’s status, but honesty is the best policy and if it looks like it’s going there the Poz either should come out with it or just rubber up. The new info that undetectables can’t pass it is great, but frankly lots of guys are on prep anyway.
So rubber up and/or med up. Otherwise shut up and keep your legs closed.
“Rubber up” or not, HIV positive men are legally required to disclose their status prior to engaging in sexual activity of any kind with anyone and I strongly encourage the prosecution of anyone who does not… Eventually they have got to understand that you cannot keep that information hidden and engage in sex with someone.
I am currently petitioning our local law enforcement here to start a sector that would seek out and prosecute offenders, it is highly needed due to the number of guys in the community who are deliberately withholding or lying about their status to get laid. I am sick of it!
It is otherwise in Canada. An undetectable man was not charged because well, he is undetectable, therefore cannot transmit the virus. I will ask our health specialist to know about the USA and will let you know here on the blog.
Ok Dave, no need, I majored in Criminal Justice and I know for a fact that it IS indeed LAW that one must disclose their HIV status to anyone whom they are going to engage in sexual activity with buddy… Now, let’s jump the ocean for a second, It is currently in the news that a British guy who has been deliberately infecting guys, a total of 5, with HIV, has been sentenced to LIFE IN PRISON for his misdeed… look it up buddy.
NOT TO MENTION, WE ARE NOT IN CANADA(or at leas I’m not) come on man, your arguments are lacking substance man, you just attempt to explain away in very futile ways…
it’s hard to believe that you majored in Criminal Justice, because as a Canadian, I can say that It depends on the state, not the federal government. https://www.cdc.gov/hiv/policies/law/states/exposure.html
In 24 states, laws require persons who are aware that they have HIV to disclose their status to sexual partners and 14 states require disclosure to needle-sharing partners. Twenty-five states criminalize one or more behaviors that pose a low or negligible risk for HIV transmission.
As for the UK guy who infected guys with HIV, good for him, this is what he deserved. He infected men either by damaging the condoms he was using or pressuring them to have unprotected sex with him. He was diagnosed with HIV in April 2015 and eventually stopped showing up at doctor’s appointments and taking antiretroviral treatments. So this has NOTHING to do with this article here, so I don’t know why you mentioned this case here. ♂️
So I am hiv+ for almost 17 years now. I find some of these comments to be very generalized about everybody living with hiv. I clearly have my status in all my profiles on these sites. I am undetectable, if someone asks me if I can still transmit, my answer is that it’s very very hard but not impossible. So let’s not generalize your statements by saying all people or everyone with HIV is using whatever excuse to get laid like lying or deceiving in their statements. AND IT DRIVES ME NUTS TO SEE PEOPLE USING THE “CLEAN” bullshit. If people ask me if I am clean my response to them is yes I took a shower this morning
STOP SAYING IT !!!!!!
Thank god for you Chad! That “clean” bullshit is just deceptive speech aimed at manipulation!
The reason I got on PREP was so I can feel more comfortable dating and having sex a HIV poz man. In the past, Id panic if a condom broke. I would also worry about a man cumming in my ass even with a condom on.
PREP+Condoms+Undectable=SAFE. So bring it on! No problem with a POZ man whatsoever. Besides, I think being marginalized and “othered” by people as an outcast makes one passionate in private. I’ve always been considered an outcast so Im terrific in bed as most HIV poz men.
Now on the flip side, I do have issues with BB. I dont care how good prep is or how unlikely undetectable is. BB doesnt make sex hotter. What makes sex hotter is a man with good sexual technique, a freaky nature, and imagination. So if he puts a condom on his cock, a freak is a freak and good in bed- period. There are many Hiv negative BB folks that are still terrible in bed.
I totally agree with you.
PrEP+Condom= Safe!
Bareback does nothing for me as well. My generation was always told to use condom, since we’re kid. So for me, this is the way to go. I don’t need to get “bred” and I don’t find it hotter.
Finally, something we CAN agree on Dave… Kudos!
See, common ground can be found just about anywhere!…. 😉
Although, PrEP is still too new of a thing for me to risk taking it… I’ll give it a few more years and see what long-term or short-term side effects starting popping up from people taking it.
Please do NOT use the term SAFE for this! The term is STILL “safer” as there are several things going on – viral loads change, the amount of time on PrEP 9with regular use longer is better), regular checkups etc. there is still a percentage of risk with this behavior and definitely not safe for other STDS
https://www.cdc.gov/hiv/basics/prep.html
My take on this is: honesty is the best policy overall.
Known HIV+ – be straight up about your status. You don’t have to spill the beans outright. However it is your responsibility to let them know before any potential bodily fluids exchange (saliva being the only exception as it is not transmitted through kissing)…best possible outcome, wait til it’s clear that all involved are intending to get with you sexually and let them know then. Anytime before that is fine if you want, but not necessary. No need to tell someone who will never see or touch you below the waist. It’s illegal not to disclose prior to any penetrative sexual act. That’s it.
Regularly tested HIV- – don’t let your fear of HIV be so bad that you deliberately discriminate against ALL HIV+ persons instead of being selective about who you smash or get smashed by in general. If you fear HIV infection fear the others as well and stop having casual sex. Find someone to get to know and trust first, then get sexual exclusively with them and still keep it protected; and that means condoms on even for oral sex (or dental damns if you’re a hole licker LOL). As for asking others’ of their status, that illegal as well. HIPPA laws protect each individual from having to disclose personal health info to anyone who asks unless it is for the sake of treatment or the person asking is a potential decision maker on their behalf (i.e. POA). the loophole to that is to express that you do not consent to sexual activity with those who are poz (which it sounds like most of you already do) and leave it up to your prospective partner to be a law-abiding citizen. STILL PROTECT YOURSELF WITH CONDOMS AND OTHER SAFETY METHODS!!
Additionally, it is also against the law to disclose someone else’s HIV status without their expressed consent. So watch your mouth when you speak of others. Just like it’s no one’s place to out someone else for their sexual orientation, neither is it for HIV status.
HIV Unknown guys – really…unless you’re a virgin, there is no excuse for not knowing your HIV Status. Go get tested and be honest with your sexual partners. It’s you guys that keep this stigma going. You guys are what make ppl fear having sex in the first place. At the very least, let the ppl you get with know that you don’t test regularly for HIV/STI and you could be a carrier. Leave it up to them to decide if they wanna follow through or not. Like someone said above: it’s better to be honest than to end up doing time for 5-75mins (yes, some sessions last that long if not longer) of pleasure when it coulda been avoided and you still get your fix from someone else.
More tidbits:
About 5 years ago, the CDC’s statistics were at about a 4% transmission rate for those who were HIV+, on meds (taking them properly), and had a consistent undetectable viral load; this was after repeated consistent unprotected sex with the same person…so that means they out of 100 times of having sex with the same person, there was only a chance of transmitting the virus 4 of those times. And that was 5 yrs ago.
**HIV is transmitted by any fluid that contains white blood cells**
As recently as 6-8months ago, the CDC allegedly declared that someone who is “undetectable” cannot transmit to someone on PrEP. That doesn’t mean lose the condoms and stop protecting yourself…just means HIV is now less of a worry or risk factor than the other big ones like syphillis and hpv. OH and let’s not forget the various antibiotic-resistant strains of gonorrhea.
Educate yourselves, play as safe as possible, and have fun
I’m hiv+ and for decade’s I’ve delt with a ton of stigma,phobia,lies an hypocrisy.It’s really screwed-up and hurts when it comes from ur own people.
Reading the comments on here is depressing and sad at the ignorance there is out there in the LGBT community. This article and post isn”t trying to do anything but try to let some of you ignorant f*cks out there see how your approach can negatively affect HIV/Poz/Undetect people.
This goes along with when guys choose to put their racial preference, or shun anyone who is fat or out of shape. Yes, we all have our preferences…but that doesnt give anyone the right to be an asshole on a whole population of people with a condition.
Nevermind, these guys are perfect and are still looking for “the one’ on A4A…hows that working out for you?
I totally agree…
My biggest problem with this article is prohibiting the question “why didn’t you tell me sooner”. I understand that HIV status isn’t something that must be disclosed to the world – it’s private, and i support that, UNTIL sex arises as a possibility. The moment that an HIV+ person is aware that there’s a possibility of sexual contact they are morally obligated to disclose their status – and they are legally obligated to do so before sex!
Also, I sense a pervasive attitude of fatalism about HIV lately – we CAN’T know if a negative person is really negative, so chances are we’re going to be exposed, which is okay because of new drugs. This is NOT ok. For those who just jump into bed with anybody, then yeah, it’s a giant unwinnable game of Russian Roulette. But what about traditionalists like me? I don’t sleep with guys lightly – I don’t even DATE guys lightly, if I do, then you bet your ass I am serious about it – so I very much expect to be told if a partner is positive RIGHT out of the gate. And yes, I would reject him, to protect myself from a bunch of medical nonsense. But it’s either that or don’t tell me until we’ve had sex, and then you’re looking at criminal prosecution because I WILL take your ass to court.
And no, I’m not going to take Truvada. I’m negative (for certain). So why should I spend the money and gamble with my health on a time-untested drug???
EXCELLENT response Josh, I totally agree!
This post about HIV+ men and what not to say is about advocating bigotry, intolerance, shaming, and being judgmental. I have ZERO problem saying: “‘I can’t date you because I want to stay clean.'” or “’Disease Free Only’” because I have a right to have sex with the kind of men I want to have sex with and saying “no” to men who are not my type is perfectly OK. Being blunt is being honest. To be told what one cannot say to HIV+ individuals is reverse bigotry and shaming. This post is all about shaming people who are HIV negative and who want to stay that way. Not wanting to have sex with an HIV+ man is the same as not wanting sex with a white guy (or black or Latino or…) or an overweight guy (or skinny or short or tall, or…). It’s time to stop telling people how they must think because that is bigotry, intolerance, shaming, and being judgmental.
YES!
First off to whoever moderates and posts comments . If you don’t post this comment
Ill know that it was too real…. possibly
too harsh and obviously too truthful that nobody can bare to admit & see it … yet done with some true conviction
I want to level this “playing field” OF ARROGANCE
That I AM SEEING BY THOSE THAT COMMENT Esp
To those WHO ARE NEGATIVE AND any one else who THINKS THEY HAVE NO CULPABILITY OR RESPONSIBILITY TO THIS –
this topic or subject being addressed HAS TO DO WITH being HIV + …
and BTW thank you to whoever posted this to be discussed
It is something that DEFINITELY NEEDS TO BE CLEARLY ADDRESSED MORE THAN EVER….
SO- on to this topic or subject matter
and FOR ME TO just hit the ball out of the park for every one
I ADDRESS You ALL …..Gay, Bi ,Hetero ,Trans ….Lesbian or other wise – Polyamorous & -etc
….To You All -………
TO THOSE Who ARE Positive or NEGATIVE , or TO WHO Doesn’t Know or who Doesn’t care and Any and All who thinks you’re not Responsible or culpable ….
LET ME BE VERY CLEAR WHEN I SAY THIS –
& AGAIN This is Directed
TO ANYONE Who’s – HAVING SEX !
Yes You…..! ! !
To Even you – Who think you are Above it or ARE so arrogant TO think you’re not part of this…
But – Yet to You Who Take the position – to think you can “choose to be negative and be with ONLY disease free only”?
Yet YOU SHOULD Still …BE ABLE to have sex ??
Trust me – & First off
WHEN I SAY
YOU’RE So FULL OF S**T!!
& Yes YOU
THE Very Arrogant!!!
We ALL ARE VERY culpable In this matter – & YOU ARE VERY MUCH SO !!
Your arrogance will BE THE Only THING THAT precedes You ….. until & only Until the next person that YOU Mess around with , Hookup with OR that you engage in sex with or any physical risky behavior
-and IT WILL ALWAYS BE WITH Possible risk …
— Trust me ,…You are & will be ALWAYS BE RESPONSIBLE
& EVERYTIME !!
How can you not be ?
How do you think you aren’t ???
& btw This IS TO EVERYONE-
WE ALL ARE RESPONSIBLE !!
& YET WE ALL ARE AT RISK !!!!
– & YEP AGAIN ITS EVERY BLOODY TIME YOU HAVE SEX –
Whether it’s ORAL, ANAL OR ANY OTHER WAY HIV AND OTHER STDS CAN BE PASSED
… sorry
Yep even Thru kissing (if open sores)
– Def Thru IV DRUG Use
WHERE NEEDLES ARE SHARED -if infected
Theres Risk when other OPENINGS OR SORES are present –
In that ENOUGH INFECTED BLOOD AND OTHER BODY FLUIDS COULD TRANSMIT
I say ALL THIS IN CAPITAL LETTERS because AGAIN For the Stupid or very Arrogant
It’s TO Let esp
THOSE Arrogant HIV- men that don’t think they are culpable or responsible …
& but Yet it’s too Any and All otherwise
YOU ARE JUST As BAD!!
You’ Are Just LIKE ANYONE WHO DOESNT KNOW – That thinks they aren’t and could be +
& You’re just like those who know & are HIV+
But I address this subject to those who don’t care ..
Or even to those who try to catch it
“Bug chasing “as I’ve heard it called & Yet….
This is Directed To those who use condoms , who are on Prep
Yet I direct this To anyone else….
SERIOUSLY ???
COME ON !!
Again
YOU ALL -Who are or IS going to be HAVING SEX , etc …
THIS IS TO YOU WHO THINK YOU AREN’T JUST AS RESPONSIBLE & EVERYTIME ,
…..WHEN YOU DO,
SORRY -YOU’RE AT RISK …… –
——YOU VERY MUCH ARE !!!
—Everyone is !
And to address this comment
I read in this blog
-I’d safely think to say
– We’d all like to be loved and would all like
… maybe one day – have that special person appear…
whether + or –
That’s Def a crap shoot when it happens but it doesn’t excuse you’re culpable eve in a relationship
but then I address THIS AS WELL
– that there are Way too many guys who lie ,
Who both
Are –
& +
That both cheat , or only want sex (hook up ) or NSA or who engage in group sex or esp to those who just think You are able to have sex with whoever and whenever with no responsibility – Sorry …
YOU ARE ALL RESPONSIBLE and just as Culpable !!!
YOURE JUST AS RESPONSIBLS AS ANYONE WHO IS HIV+
– YOU HAVE TO BE ….Own your behavior and choices when it comes to having sex – and it is ABOUT CHOICE each & EVERY time
& do be upfront about it !
This is about choices – and Again if you ARE having sex ….
-there’s always the choice
You thinking you have the right to stay negative and yet be able to have sex and yet stay negative after the fact GOOD LUCK WITH THAT
(HOPEFULLY YOURE HEAD WONT BE IN YOUR A** ….Too long)
& btw SORRY THATS NOT HOW IT WORKS
– Sweetheart !
THIS IS ABOUT
Responsibility and communication
& It EVEN Applies to your so-called
– trIck , hookup ,
one night stand or just becuz you want to “GET IT IN”…ITS EVERY-TIME !!
and just like those who are positive who don’t disclose and decieve…
just “ to get laid/ GET IT IN “ as well –
It’s like this ……
– HOW IS or ARE EITHER Side of this matter less Culpable ?
– OR Yet ANY GROUP of people or Any Other SIDE OF THIS SUBJECT HOW DO YOU MATTER BEING LESS IN BEING CULPABLE FOR YOUR ACTIONS ?
COME ON !!! REALLY ???
– YOU ARE HAVING SEX
…..AND/OR BEING PHYSICAL IN ONE WAY ,SHAPE OR FORM In WITH ANOTHER HUMAN BEING –
– AGAIN !!!
How is it you are not part of any of this ?
Everyone has responsibility to this!!
This topic was –
What possible not to say to someone that’s HIV positive
-This was meant to be ABOUT Some SENSITIVITY , or being sensitive
Yet about AWARENESS AND KNOWING THE FACTS.
BUT THERE IS STILL RISK INVOLVED NO MATTER WHAT
UH HELLO !!!!!!!
If YOU’RE HAVING SEX OR STILL ENGAGING IN OTHER PHYSICAL BEHAVIORS INVOLVING ANOTHER PERSON You’re at risk and you have responsibility and culpability to this
Ill repeat this to those that are so thick to think they aren’t or avoid it somehow or above it all
I MEAN —-HELL you can catch a cold or flu OR SOME OTHER VIRUS
But this was about the HIV virus and STDs otherwise…..
^^^^^^^THATS what this topic was targeting –
but to EVERYONE HIV +
& …. I REPEAT AGAIN
ESP ALL HIV negative ESP TO YOU people who are so arrogant to think that you’re not culpable & who ARENT APART OF THIS –
YOU ARE VERY MUCH SO JUST AS responsible to any SEX you have
— it’s JUST these like any HIV positive person who are responsible IN AS SAFE A SEX BUT DEFINITELY to the ones that DONT DISCLOSE -LIE OR DECEIVE AND DEFINITELY TO THE ONES THAT JUST PLAIN DONT CARE
TO This I SAY – & TO EITHER SIDE WHO want to AND DO engage in SEX , 1-1 or group sex or otherwise
Even ORAL – Hell – EVEN if it’s KISSING
( Esp where open sores or enough infected blood and fluids could be exchanged)
— SORRY BUT We are & YOU ALL ARE RESPONSIBLE!!!
I REPEAT
AGAIN -YOU ARE Definitely CULPABLE TO THIS DISEASE LIKE ANY OTHER
& just like a EVERY Negative PERSONS – YOU ARE —as well !!!
Everybody is culpable for the HIV VIRUS – AIDS as a DISEASE & YOURE just as Responsible
JUST LIKE ANY OTHER STDs/STIs
This is about being upfront honest and culpable for your actions, your risky behaviors and attitudes
This is just like Gay Men that think that they can’t get with somebody because they basically don’t look the way they want
& All their other BS preconceived expectations about what a person is supposed to be like before you chat – or speak to them
-& GOD FORBID let alone meet them ( if you can GET OVER YOURSELF ENOUGH TO DO SO )
and Yet you think there’s no culpability for you having sex with somebody?? Whoever you are …
–
Let alone ANYONE –
who’s HIV +???
WTF??
Cut the BS !!!
& Give me a f*cking break!!!!
-EVERYBODY is Responsible!!!!
Again ESP WHEN YOURE HAVING SEX OR ENGAGING IN SOMETHING PHYSICAL WITH ANOTHER HUMAN BEING !!! So that would APPLY TO Anyone who does —
YES that’s YOU Even
– Stupid !!
Btw . If you don’t post this comment
Ill know that it was too real
too harsh and obviously too truthful that nobody can bare to hear or see.. & done with true conviction when I say
Id like to make one other comment
This topic got me thinking
-so there’s the docu-film that was done by HBO documentary film
The Normal Heart
-That was directed by Ryan Murphy
(Who did Glee
Who does American Horror Story as well as other films and TV ….)
Most people are aware of the play that Larry Kramer wrote back in the mid 80s
The Normal Heart – The docufilm
Which is based on that playwright
– is about the early days of the HIV -AIDS epidemic in the early 80s
What struck me really funny and still does even now when I think about it
– that there’s quite a few scenes during the whole film
(hell the film as a whole )
but there’s a particular scene where Julia Roberts depicts one of the only doctors but that was one of the only people who would treat anybody with the disease which we know as HIV/ AIDS and Yet
Honestly there was … such an ARROGANCE AMONGST GAY MEN
This arrogance SHOWS ITSELF in one of the particulars scenes where Mark Ruffalo’s character is trying to put together a gay men’s health CRISIS & awareness group in New York City at the time
….And yet there are particular comments made by certain characters in the film who show you for this meeting in his Mark Ruffalos character )home
—-as they depict it
It was being displayed that some guys felt they had the right to still have sex with whoever -where-ever & with how ever many , whenever …..
& Yet it’s they had the right to have sex even if they were positive but didn’t know( Esp at the time not knowing) what it was which at the time -but for people now to know what it yet there’s still that arrogance nowadays
people thinking and yet doing in that they have the right to still have to have as much sex and with whoever and whenever regardless of whether positive or Not
We’re in the year 2018
it hasn’t changed so much to lessen transmissions of the disease and it’s in over 35 + years since and here’s this is the same attitude that’s been going on from the early 80s and it’s still going on in 2018
Yet people think they’re not culpable to it .????
& Yes to you who are Negative ( be very glad you are and thankful btw) or this “only disease free seeking only” Arrogant Sh*ts that you are to be sexually engaged or involved with
You Are Very MUCH culpable !
& YOU’RE VERY MUCH RESPONSIBLE IN THIS !!!!
In this The whole deal !!!!
My response to someone who asked me, knowing they are referring to my Hiv status, “So, are you clean”?
My response is..
“Yes. I shower and brush my teeth everyday. If your referring to my undetectable Hiv status, I’m healthy and undetectable. Which dosent make me dirty.”
I hate ‘are you clean ‘ with a passion
How about I don’t want to have sex with you!!! Everyone can say what they want by It’s my choice and no one else’s.
True story:
It must have been about the 07′ or 08′, I was on this site one night, met a man on here, we spoke here, then exchanged #’s called talked on the ph., he came over, really sexy-cute-handsome, I was pleasantly surprised! We did nothing that night kissed a little the next day went on a date, again the next day, we really liked each other. After about four days-dates, we were starting to really “want” each other, now, I had noticed in his profile, no mention of his health status, which to me reads as being positive. Well, before we got too hot and heavy-into “it”, asked the question, “what is your health status, ’cause you left it blank?” Now, previously he had mentioned how he’d LOVE to top me, I was in my very young 20’s having just come out the last time I did that out of curiosity. I was 48 then when this happened, he said,” I was going to wait until we had sex then tell you.”
Either way you look at it, its going to be revealed, I would just rather, be upfront about how I feel about it. I fall into enough “statistics” that I had nothing to do with, I’m NOT doing this one, I could care less about how other people feel about how I feel on the subject, period. My very existence-life is quite fragile, because of other people, I’m careful, so, if that keeps me being lonely, that’s the price I pay then, it clearly is not as costly as some other circumstances. Considering being “positive” can and often does leave many, many people, still, lonely doesn’t it? Ok, then.
Beautifully done!
I have nothing against HIV+ people. I don’t ask them intrusive questions, and I don’t try to shame them because I know that everyone’s situation is unique. I even have sex with undetectable HIV+ men because I’m on prep.
However, STOP TRYING TO GUILT ME INTO HAVING SEX WITH EVERY HIV+ PERSON WHO FEELS LIKE HE NEEDS TO BE “LOVED.” My ex purposefully tried to give me HIV, so don’t you dare try and tell me that there aren’t people who will lie about their status just to get with men and expose them to this virus. He did it to his ex-wife; he did it to other men; in fact, he even created an account recently on here, deceiving others of his status, so that he can still put other people at risk.
What do you say to that, Dave? Should I have sympathy for this man? Should I always be willing to have un-protected sex with him because “his feelings matter, too”?
You’re a joke.
Being undetectable does NOT mean it’s impossible to get the virus. The study you keep posting mentions how condoms were encouraged, so who knows how many partners were truly at risk of transmission?
As for “undetectable;” It means the virus levels in the blood are significantly low, but, again, who is the one at risk of getting the virus? Is it him? No, it’s me. So why should I take all the risk of getting a lifelong disease with a person who can’t even be upfront about his status? Because of a stigma? Are you serious?
No. I refuse to let you delusional gay men spin the narrative that somehow stigmas are more important that people’s SAFETY. I’ll always treat HIV+ men with courtesy, but let’s keep it 100 here: this is a sex solicitation site. I’m not randomly asking these men on the street if they’re are HIV+, I’m asking them because there is a likelihood of us having sex. If they want to act like I’m so rude (how dare me!!!) for being concerned about my health, then too fucking bad.
Dating with hiv/aids is scary and difficult. I see no harm no foul when someone tells me that they’re not interested in me after the fact of me disclosing my status. That’s their prerogative and I personally would never fault someone for that. As a person with AIDS I do think it’s very important to talk about your status early on. That doesn’t mean you have to disclose it on your profile but, be honest with people about it upfront. All I ask is that people handle saying that they’re not interested with kindness. You don’t know that persons situation and there’s no need to be nasty. We’re still people with feelings and emotions, we’ve just got a sickness. Some of us through no fault of our own and some of us through our own lack of caution. To be human is to err but, that’s never a reason to risk someone else’s health or peace of mind. AIDS is a lot to handle and it takes the right kind of partner to deal with it. Be patient and honest.
This blog article set all HIV+ men as ever so sad victims. People who all of society “must” speak to with just the ever so right words so their feelings aren’t hurt. That’s so often “the Gay Way” isn’t it? Everyone else is responsible; “we” are the poor victims.
It’s great to see that you … and a few other posters here .. don’t reasonably expect/damand that.
not victims at all, read it again. And once again, your 949th negative comment, soon you’ll get to 1000.
Heres the deal, like it or not….youre safer with someone who is poz and on Treatment than someone who says they are neg and not on prep.
I seriously doubt a man who willingly tells you his status is not taking his meds. As for those who are neg….are omly negitive til right before the test was done. One act after can change that. So ‘neg 10/2017’ is not accurate unless theyve been celibate .
Also most bisexual men are better educated and accepting of undetectable men than gay men are.
Now, whether you religiously ask every partner, and every partner is totally honest, whether you believe them is on YOU. Unless the two of you get tested at the same time and do NOTHING with anyone until you get your results….its Russian roulette any way you look at it, but your health and decisions are YOUR OWN. Dont pass the buck or blame for your own choices. Playing the blame game is fruitless unless the first blame goes at your OWN feet.