Survey: Would You Leave Him if the Sex is Unsatisfactory?
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Have you ever been in a sexually unsatisfying relationship? Yes? What did you do?
No, you haven’t experienced it yet? What if—in the foreseeable future—this happens to you, what will you do? Say you and your boyfriend are compatible: you both make each other happy, you enjoy each other’s company, you get along with your respective friends and family, you know each other well, both of you make an effort to make things work, and you guys resolve your problems. On top of it all, the two of you share common interests, you keep your relationship fresh, the two of you can’t imagine a future without each other, and of course you love each other.
Everything seemed perfect, everything. Except that you and your boyfriend/partner/husband don’t have sex much because he’s not interested. What will you do? Will you break it off with him? Divorce him? Let him go?
Or maybe the two of you have sex but he doesn’t cum and you do and in the end, it makes you feel bad because he was only having sex with you to satisfy you. Maybe he sees sex as a chore so it definitely dampens the mood. But what if it’s the other way around? He cums and then proceeded to sleep on you, leaving you hanging and unsatisfied? Sexually frustrated?
The problem here is that sex is essential in every romantic relationship—it is what keeps it apart from your relationship with, say, a brother or a best friend (I’m exaggerating; of course there are other factors but yeah, sex). On the other hand, you love the guy, so that makes it harder to leave him. Survey says 2 out of 5 gay Americans would end the relationship if the sex is unsatisfactory (39% of the respondents to be precise).
The question is, would you, leave him? If not, how would you resolve the situation? Share with us your thoughts and stories in the comments section below.
Well if we get along like u said above that means communication is possible, and communication is a huge part in a relationship, sit and talk to your significant other to make them well aware, I never expect my partner to be a sex god in bed, their are things you will like and not like when it comes to sex, u just have to communicate and get the idea out there, we are all adults, I would only leave if my partner is not receptive I i have to talk to him or her a million times to get my point over and they don’t listen, then that’s a ultra red flag for a failing relationship. Well my opinion. I’m not the type to leave myself undone for anyone when I am not being catered to as well, I’m not a selfish person and don’t expect my partner to be as well, cause if u r we wouldn’t be dating or in a relationship to begin with.
Yes, I would absolutely leave him… Sex is just as important as love.
IF the other guy is me and IF your relationship worldview is “Sex is just as important as love,” then PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE…leave me!
Sorry hipsterlove, but you sound like someone who has never been in a LTR. Sex always fades a bit after you’ve been with someone for years. It doesn’t matter how much you try to spice it up. There are many wonderful things about a relationship and sex is just one of them. I say if you can get along and build a good life together, then that’s pretty great. You can always open the relationship up if the sex is that important.
Yes Shane. I absolutely agree.
Therapists would say that if in a committed relationship “the sex fades” out, the relationship is in deep shit. Sex is as important as love in a relationship and those who say otherwise tend to be narcissistic manipulators.
Who ever buys a car without test driving first. Personally, I would have to take it out for a spin first before committing. If the sex became unsatisfactory over time, I think we could work through it and communicate better to fix the crappy sex; that shouldn’t be too difficult if every other aspect of the relationship is perfect. With that being said, no, I wouldn’t let go of that relationship. Good sex is far easier to find than a real connection.
I know many sports car owners, including myself, who have purchased cars without test driving them. We do our homework, understand what we are buying and what we are going to do with car before we make the purchase. There’s no trying or guessing what we have.
Yes I did the other day he was wanting a total sub bottom. That’s not me he was not willing to flip with me I am versa and want a versa guy
Stayed in a relationship 13 years. We were very much in love but had to go outside for satisfaction.
The same for me,we have being in a relationship for 13 yrs now and he never have had sex, so I go outside our relationship and meet other people.we do not talk about it but he knows and I do tell the other guys it’s just about sex.
After 10 years my partner lost interest in sex unless it’s a 3 way. We farm and neither of us want to sell it , we just stay together for the dogs.
Get rid of him. Useless
Nope. I think it’s very strange for a human being to think they need sex to survive and be happy.
Unfortunately, psychology says the opposite.
Is someone actually getting paid to come up with such asinine questions and topics? Your question simply assumes a number of prior points that are, at least arguably, far more important. The emphasis here is on sex as THE defining characteristic of a romantic relationship and that which differentiates it from other kinds of relationships “with, say, a brother or a best friend.” The attempt at a disclaimer–“(I’m exaggerating; of course there are other factors but yeah, sex)–falls far short. I guess that’s what you get from a sex hook-up site.
“The problem here is that sex is essential in every romantic relationship…”
The problem with this post is a narrow definition of a relationship and a “what I must have not negotiable” flavor. Relationships are built on a number of factors which can vary from couple to couple. Sex and monogamy are not always required if the couple agrees.
Above all this is that … people change over time. A solid relationship recognizes this and has safe, sane and loving mechanisms to agree on “where we go from here” … which could include a redefinition or respectful termination.
100% agree.
Would I? I have. The sexual chemistry was just off, from kissing to banging
I would absolutely not leave him if the sex was bad. Of course, I’d try to find ways to make it better, but the friendship and companionship is much more important to me than just sex. If that was all I was after, there’s a hundred different ways to satisfy that need. I’m more interested in someone who’s going to be there when we’re both old and gray than some flash in the pan in bed.
Absolutely. Men get old and sometimes loose the ability to even have active sex, but the love is still there and if your dick is more important than your heart I feel sorry for your lose.
If I were in a committed relationship and he lost interest in sex then I would leave him. Otherwise I would cheat. I may suck for being that way however I have been fucking for a long time and I know what I will not settle for mediocrity
Well, I have a friend and lover that I see at least once a week or more, and no, I would never break off our relationship because we don’t always have a hot sexual time. We do all kinds of things from going out, traveling, shopping, and adult arcades, etc. We don’t always have sex and when we do sometimes it just doesn’t work or were not in the right mood. So what, why should I break up a loving friendship because sometimes it works and sometimes not. Sex is great with him, there is so much more to do. I have known him for quite some time, and many times we don’t even have sex. We just enjoy each others company. Were both open with each other, love sex, but it’s not the only thing we enjoy.
My partner was a sexual animal in the beginning. Over the past 15 years he lost interest in sex. Every other part of our relationship is perfect. He’s given me permission to satisfy my needs outside our relationship, but… not much out there…. made peace with it… get laid occasionally outside but the sex is just ok….
If everything else is fine, I wouldn’t end it because of a lack sex.
I was in a four year relationship with a man a few years younger than I.
I finally realized my partner wanted my wallet and a free place to live. That would be okay , however he kept sex from me, driving me crazy as I felt because was very hot, he always had an excuse not to have sex, it sure would make himself available to my wallet. Two totaled cars later and full dental work I finally came to realize he was just using me, leading me on and not being able to hold a job! Yes he had a pretty face and a great ass but he kept it off limits to me, I finally kicked him out with no regrets! So, yes, sex is very important in a relationship! If you can’t satisfy your man then there is no relationship!
No, we have created a life together based on love, friendship, understanding, compassion, companionship, trust. Remember, for better or worse?
For better or for worse does not mean that a person should accept worse and be quiet. When worse happens in a relationship it needs to be addressed head on and if the issue is not resolved, there is no relationship worth saving.
I’m a young guy (mid twenties), and for me, sex is and isn’t important. I’m verse. Not the greatest top and bottom. I can’t handle big guys (nor do I ever want to) topping me, and most guys can’t handle me when I top them. So, for me personally, sex isn’t the be all end all of a relationship. Communication is more important than sex. My last relationship… a moment of weakness… ended up being a persistent migraine of miscommunication and shitty sex…. Funny thing is the miscommunication annoyed me more then the shitty sex. The best thing I’ve ever heard someone say, and I’m rough quoting this here, is “In a relationship, you really have to be more friends with each other if anything, because when the sex appeal wears off, and it will, trust me, what you have afterwards is someone who is, aside from your lover, a loyal companion, a trustworthy friend, and someone who knows you and values you for you, not your downstairs business.” Said by my neighbor who has been married for 60+ years. A rock of wisdom and very forward thinking he is.
As men, sex is very important. Nothing to be ashamed about.
There is a difference between the sex behind terrible from the start to it doing downhill.
I think its workable if it goes downhill. However if it’s terrible from the start, I believe it is outside one’s control after trying to work it out.
I was with someone that had ED. Yet he was a stickler for monogamy. His ex cheated on him (surprise surprise). Unfortunately he also carried alot of shame as he was a pastor’s son.
Sex isnt everything. However it is important. It is also important that a person work on their own issues before attempting to pursue a relationship. Carrying certain pieces of baggage will impeded a relationship with anymore. More specifically if a person is carrying shame over sex or sex with men, then they need to work on that with a specialist.
My heart, cock, mouth, and ass will go on! Simple.
Sex is a critical part of a relationship. If it’s not satisfying for one or the other, there will be a desire to seek out something sexually satisfying. It’s a nice thought, and maybe for some, a relationship can be sustained without satisfying sex, but for me I parted ways after a 24 yr relationship because we lost interest sexually and simply became friends. Ask me a year from now how that worked out!
If the relationship is only based on sex or sex was the main focus, why base your relationship that way? Why be in this type of relationship?
You neglected to clarify at what stage of the relationship the couple is in. Either way, whether at the beginning, middle or heading into your golden anniversary, the quality of the sex between partners cn be dealt with in many ways that keep both parties happy and satisfied without ending the relationship. HOWEVER, sex with my last boyfriend was THE WORST SEX EVER IN THE HISTORY OF SEX!!! No matter how much I tried to get him to do things that I liked and turned me on, he would undoubtedly go right back to the things I hated. After about 8 months, when he would come at me with his usual moves, I WOULD LITERALLY WANT TO PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE!!! That’s how bad it was. Lucky for both of us I have immense self control and never reacted violently, but it was TORTURE enduring it all the while thinking “does he not realize what he’s doing and can he not tell that I am not enjoy this. There in lies the problem. He was like a horny little dog humping your leg. No thought at all about how your leg feels about it. That’s bad behavior for a dog! For an adult human. I don’t know what to call it but rest assured, if anything remotely like that happens in a future relationship, I WILL VERBALLY PIMP SLAP A MOTHERFUCKER THE FIRST TIME IT HAPPENS AFTER I HAVE EXPLAINED THAT I DON’T LIKE IT. THE SECOND TIME WILL GET AN ACTUAL PIMP SLAP AND A NOTIFICATION THAT WE ARE OVER AND DONE WITH!!!
It all is based on be happy if your not happy as you can be with a person ,Move on because there is someone out that that can give you it all and live the way we all have worked so hard to be . Really dont see why if someone is being asked to change the sex a little to make it better for the other and he or she does not not want to comply , Then there is nothing more to say but goodbye
you are so right i met a guy things went great the first two times we met up and retired to his place, then the third time he started getting rough. we talked later about how things went on and we talked about our dislike and likes and willingness to do things with each other.we met one more time and things we the worst ever i told him i was done with him, he said we can talk about it i said we had and things were worse than before. i left and have not looked back. he must think there is a glimmer of hope so much so i had to block him
I’ve never left a guy over sex. Maybe that’s just a versatile gay normative? Have I used it for the basis of a deeper relationship? Probably so as we all know that not all hook ups result in a satisfying experience. In previous times I used to hold sex sort of sacrosanct and only between me and him. As I became more deeply immersed in the gay world, I began to understand that I can love a guy and not even have sex with him and I became aware of all the shades of sexuality that two people can imagine. Occasionally, more than two. But, summing it up, I’ve had great sex with guys I never developed a relationship with and have also had a relationship in which the sex became routine and I was not being satisfied. I haven’t had the opportunity so far to reject a relationship solely on the basis of sexual satisfaction. It’s always been something else that ripped it apart. If I may offer an alternative to leaving him over it, I’d see if he was amenable to me doing somebody else. If he wasn’t then I’d consider leaving him. If he was OK with it, we’d see how it turns out.
I would leave him only because I don’t believe in open relationships! if i ever become comfortable with the idea of an open relationship, i wouldn’t leave him and use the 3rd party person to help me be sexually satisfied!
It has always been an “either, or” for me. The guys I’ve had great sex with so far aren’t relationship material and the guys I end up in relationships with hardly ever make me cum. I am ultimately a relationship-type guy so I have come to accept that my relationships would have mediocre sex. I am communicating with my present bf about it though. He is making some effort but apparently the things I like don’t come naturally to him. I think once he realizes he has to make some effort to please me sexually even if it doesn’t please him, we’ll be alright. He is an amazing bf otherwise. I would have to be insane to leave him over our sexual differences.
I’m currently in the situation. he and I have been together for five years and have had lots of sex… unsuccessful sex. neither of us has ever gotten the other off. He’s a bottom and his ass just doesn’t lead me to blow no matter how much, how fast, or how whatever I fuck him. He’s unable to get me off via BJ or handy and I’ve not been able to pop his load either… long story short, I get what I need elsewhere and he & I remain partners in life.
He and I have been together for 12 year now and have never had sex,he is not interested so I get it from someone else.
Yes, I’m leaving. Had a guy who couldn’t deep throat my cock and kept choking. Need it immediately
Seriously, if your only together for the sex, your fuck buds or fwb. Relationships take work, alot of work, constantly, to help one another grow into a stronger bond. I believe communication is key, when/if the time comes you need more sexually, talk about it. There are a ton of toys on the market to pleasure your penis or hole. So NO I would not leave or ditch ya. Ive been in open relationship for 19 years, and ya some of the side fucks have been the pits…. some have been wonderful. Sex is a part of the relationship, not the relationship. For me, the side fuck is just a live toy that comes with some possible risks- stds, mental unstable, etc, but still fun nevertheless.
Bottom line in ANY relationship gay or straight is that sex IS a reasonable expectation of the relationship. If a partner is not providing sex–and getting into it–that person needs to be OK with the other partner getting it elsewhere. That isn’t cheating because the person not giving sex is cheating via emotional blackmail i.e. refusing sex so as to be able to play the victim when the “cheating” happens. A person has a right to have sex with a willing partner. If you’re not willing to have sex just realize that YOU caused the so-called cheating.
Ironic I see this blog as I am going through this currently. Just had this sort of conversation with my partner last night. The only time he seems to be interested in having sex with me is when another person is involved. Don’t get me wrong I love the whole group sex thing, but I don’t always want to have that. Would like to have some 1 on 1 fun when we’re cuddled up late at night. We super get along in every other aspect. Just don’t know how to handle this situation as I’ve never had to deal with it before.
Im sexually dissatisfied in my relationship currently. Been in it for 8+ years and we barely have sex unless I initiate. He never seems interested. I always catch him jerking off but never asking for sex. I keep breaking it off but keep going back cause I care for him. Im happy with the man but our sex life sucks. It sucks more than I get to do on my boyfriend. It’s got so bad to all of our arguments are comaints about how I feel about our sex life.
Why get with him in the first place?? And if it’s psychological or medical leave him sexually but..Remain there for him emotionally
I think over all it depends on the couple, where they are in age, the overall situations of their relationship that may or may not have lead to this topic. Like some of you have said, people change with time, both physically and mentally, sex can fade with time – as someone said there are many varying factors to something like this. I’ve known straight couples that have been married for 30 years or more, with grown children, that suddenly decide to divorce. Why? Is it the sex? Probably, or probably not. Or, with most couples that get to a breaking point, it’s never just “one” thing … it’s usually a bunch of stuff (that may start out small) that has built up over time. I can’t speak for the general populace, I can only speak for me, and for me, I would have to weigh the good parts of the relationship against the bad. If the good parts outweigh the bad, then obviously it’s worth staying for, but if it’s vice versa, then maybe I’d think about going in another direction or making a change. Again, for me it would take more than fading sex for me to pack up and leave … especially if I love the person.
A good friend and lover has a lot more going for the relationship than just sex. Sex is great, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. No biggie. No I would not leave him My BF and I have been seeing each other for over a year, and yes, sometimes sex is great, sometimes I can’t cum, other times he can’t. What makes a true friend is doing things together. Going out to dinner, movies, traveling, shopping, adult arcades, sharing and giving each other things, etc. I love it when we have sex, but if one of us doesn’t cum, well the hugging, kissing, and the fact that we are naked and close makes up for it.
In. A. Heartbeat.
Just have sex with someone else; it’s only sex, not love.
I think there is another big factor to this question. How long was the relationship? I think the longer the relationship, the answer would be no. The shorter, the answer points more to yes. Why give up a relationship of 5 years or more to sex. There is more at stake the longer the relationship. More things factor into a relationship and sex is usually a very small part of it. So, my answer would be, maybe. But it would depend on how long my relationship with that person was.
Not a chance would I leave him for ANYTHING! For ANYBODY! There have been medical issues but the LOVE is undeniable. I ain’t going nowhere unless it’s to the grave.