Speak Out: Dating a Transgender Person
The last few years have seen transgender people gain extra visibility in popular consciousness. Laverne Cox became a recognized actress and television personality. Transparent, a show whose main character is transgender, has won critical acclaim. And Tangerine made quite the splash among critics.
And when it comes to the more gritty parts of the internet, there is also quite the number of videos that feature sex with a transgender person who hasn’t undergone gender reassignment surgery, couched in terms that aren’t necessarily the most politically-correct.
But has that new place in popular consciousness changed things for transgender people on the ground, so to speak? More to the point, has it changed what you, Adam4Adam user, think about transgender people?
For a lot of transgender people, how the people around them perceive them matter more than we think. In a 2011 survey by the National Center for Transgender Equality, 55 percent of transgender people’s intimate relationships survive their coming out or transitioning. This acceptance, from either their significant other or family members, significantly affects their decisions later on in life. The survey notes an immense drop in the likelihood of transgender people getting into sex work, drug and alcohol abuse, sex work, and homelessness, when they are accepted by their significant other or family members.
If you’ve never been in a relationship with a transgender person — whether FTM or MTF who has not undergone gender reassignment surgery — before, is it something you are more open to now? Would you be more open to having sex with a transgender person now than before? Share your thoughts with us in the comments below!
It hasn’t changed what I think. I feel sorry for them. Instead of getting the help they need to accept what and who they are they are enabled by the far left agenda. One’s sex and gender can not be changed. They simply are what they are. I refuse to change the very nature and laws of biology and anatomy, and language for that matter (the pronoun nonsense comes to mind) just to placate someone’s delusions. I want a real man. Not a woman pretending to be a man or a man pretending to be a woman. Plus I don’t want to date someone who can’t accept who and what they really are. I would constantly question their mental state.
I have a hard time following what you mean. But I’ve seen transgender people here in Montreal blossomed after changing their sex. One in particular went from sad, suicidal men to prosper happy business woman.
you do know what you just said is similar how bigots always calls us names, telling us we’re gross, perverts, child molesters, a sin to be gay, etc. you can’t expect to want the entire world to respect you and your rights, but you can’t even respect trans rights?
not all trans people go through surgical or hormonal transition; i think fewer do than don’t actually, but i don’t have statistics on hand (they’re hard to get)
gender is an anthropological and social structure — even wikipedia will inform you of this
american and much of western culture presents a dichotomy male/female, but many cultures through time and throughout the world recognize more than two genders. it’s performative.
sex isn’t binary either, and i can point you to sources, but the roles within gender are coercive themselves
until we recognize that you can be a ‘man’ or a ‘woman’ (since sex assignment is determined at birth and not a choice) and do, say, wear whatever you want, there will be a community at large that is inherently rebellious, and a very tiny segment of that which cannot bear the economic and social determination
WTF!!
She was a girl, now she is a boy with girl parts, she wants to be fucked by a boy?? She just should have stayed a girl??
Sexuality and gender are two different things dear. I suggest that you educate yourself by reading on the subject before writing such comment. I hope a trans person will not read your comment, it is kind of disrespectful. Not everything is about “getting fucked” like you say.
Dave,
That comment was NOT disrespectful; it was a rational statement and a common one. What’s the point in transitioning? Seems like a waste to me if she was going to just do that… I’m starting to believe trans people have mental issues, tbh.
You should decide how people should express their sexuality.
You can only be fucked by a boy.
With the current state of medical science you can pretty much have any parts you want.
I find the whole situation wholly ridiculous. These are mentally ill people. Do we accept the personal “reality” of schizophrenics and treat them as if the voices they hear are real? It is sad for trans people who are not intersexed, but they just live an extreme example of the fact that many people are unable to be seen as they would prefer, or live the life they would prefer. Unfortunately, modern medicine has jumped on the opportunity to find ways to alter their bodies, thus causing great social disruption. A woman may perceive herself as a man, but she is still a woman, particularly without any reconstructive surgery. When such people are unable to continue hormone treatments, they more-or-less revert, which shows that it is temporary, and unreal. So heterosexual females, who want to be considered male, try to present themselves as gay males and invade our community wanting to have sex with us, when they are still vaginas, who should at least be approaching what straight men are okay with their masculinity (and there are quite a few). I saw a personal for one seeking a gay man to suck her “trans cock”, ie. clitoris. I was completely offended by this.
I had a date that I thought was serious, with a man who would have been very eligible to me. I did not see him arrive, or I would have seen the female hips. We talked for almost an hour before “he” decided to reveal to me, obliquely, that he was a she. “I have children because I bore them.” It took me a minute to realize just what he/she was saying. The beard threw me, and I really wanted it to work. I looked in “his” eyes, and saw a female brain at work. I was utterly offended, and felt used, as “he” was using me to see if “he” would be accepted. Well, NO, was the answer to that.
These people have no regard for others and for honesty. Most people can tell what they really are, and many resent being expected to go along with what amounts to a deception. Moreover, the transpeople, forerunners of humanoids, androids and mutants, are so focused on the superficial aspects of the other gender, that I doubt they have any real conception of what it means to be a man or woman. Sadly, the political correctness forces prevent honest discussion of this, and most transpeople seem unwilling to honestly speak about it. I think they are simply being taken advantage of by the medical establishment, who are making money off of their treatments, and I don’t think anyone under 18 or even 21, should be allowed to be given treatments. It simply takes too long to understand one’s self to know this. Self-perception is tangled with many things that may turn out to be transient, so allowing permanent alterations of the body should be banned.
I have tried attending some Gay community functions recently, only to find them totally dominated by transpeople and their agenda, which is NOT the same as ours. It was wrong to bring them into our community, and we may soon lose our hard-won rights thanks to their overly radical agenda.
And before you react and yell at me for saying what I think, think about it. It’s not just social politics.
So a homosexual man says it’s normal to be homosexual, but it’s abnormal to be transgendered. My childhood Christian congregation says it abnormal to be a homosexual.. It is amazing how one can rationalize one’s behavior and demonize someone elses. As a homosexual man, I will date anyone who identifies as a man loving men. Everything isn’t about sex as defined by the porn industry, it’s about human companionship and connection.
exactly!
It’s a Conservqative thing.
hearing occurs in the brain, and so of course schizophrenics are really ‘hearing voices’ (notwithstanding your only very rudimentary understanding of this disorder)
great job immediately adding stigma to mental illness
god, no one gives a fuck if you’re offended
i’m gay as a three dollar bill and i would at least give a person in this condition the time of day; it’s almost as if we weren’t a homogenous community with exactly similar tastes in men
I Consider myself bi, so I’ve always lusted after the idea of hooking up with a transgendered person. To me, they represent the best of both worlds.
I had a pool(billiard) date with a MTF once 5-7 years ago. It was awkward, but I would welcome another try.
I imagine dating someone with gender dysphoria would be no different than dating someone with any other mental health issue, except that society has told them that self-mutilation is fine while getting actual treatment is barbaric. World’s an upside-down place sometimes.
i feel like this type of comment tends to throw trans people under the bus, since there’s no ‘treatment’ that effectively alters one’s gender identity; frankly, you sound like mike pence here. just barely over sixty years ago, alan turing was forced to be chemically castrated by great britain for being gay; he was a brilliant mathematician who helped the allies tremendously during ww2. governments around the world still persecute gay folk, and i know you might not advocate such barbaric treatment, but take a step back if you can and consider that maybe there is a difference between a condition like brain cancer and a condition like gender dysphoria; that maybe where psychology used to be regarding homosexuality is where transsexuality is or has been
Trans is beautiful.. it’s wrong to fetishize, but I’ve touched myself just thinking about sleeping with an ftm trans person. I think they are brave and it breaks my heart to read my gay brothers’ antagonizing comments. I think a4a posts could use a little social justice, meaning the gay community on a4a needs to be called out for its racism, transphobia and misogyny. Way to go, Dave, for showing solidarity with trans people in this post.
It’s only common sense. Working for A4A had me educated on many subjects. I could not be close minded and work for A4A. I’m very surprised by some comments here though.
I’m not at all surprised. Cis gay men can be pretty brutal to each other and they’re worse to trans people, generally speaking. A big part of it is how misogynistic the gay community can be. I’m out as trans on facebook but closeted on a4a and grindr and so on because of how bad the community is.
how are gay men worse to trans people or more misogynistic?
Social justice = “politically correct” — That’s why this country is in the mess it’s in! ….. Not for much longer though.
be careful on what you’re saying because anti gay bigots also think we’re too ‘politically correct’ and too ‘liberal’. in order for the entire lqbtq to be accepted, we must accept all individuals as people that deserves the same rights, freedom and dignity.
Wow I’m shocked at the negative, hateful attitudes/comments towards our transgender allies. Please People — this is a serious and dangerous time for the LGBTQ community. We need to stand together to fight all forms of hate and bigotry.
Beyond this — there are all kinds of guys on this site looking for all kinds of things. There’s room for FTM’s. If it’s not your thing sexually that’s fine. Move on. They are still welcome. Love to all.
Exactly my thoughts. I am not personally attracted to a trans person. I loooove trans women though, they fascinate me and I almost admire them in a sense that they have a lot of courage to transition. I watch a show in Montreal called “Je Suis Trans” (I am trans) and it’s very good, check it out online.
‘not personally attracted to a trans person’; care to elaborate ?
I think it’s pretty clear.
benefit of a doubt… put ‘black’ in the place of trans; would that not be a bigoted thing to say
Gender dysphoria (GD) was invented in the 1950s by reactionary male psychiatrists in an era when men were men and women were doormats. It is a term used to describe someone who feels strongly that they should belong to the opposite sex and that they were born in the wrong body. GD has no proven genetic or physiological basis. Unlike every other diagnosis in the DSM, gender dysphoria is treated with permanently mutilating surgery which also renders the patient infertile.
“I should never have had sex change surgery,” Claudia MacLean, a transsexual woman told the audience at a recent debate organised by the BBC Radio 4 programme Hecklers and the Royal Society of Medicine in London. “As a result of the surgery, I am incapable of sex and I have lived a life apart.”
A review for the (British) Guardian in 2005 of more than 100 international medical studies of post-operative transsexuals by the University of Birmingham’s Aggressive Research Intelligence Facility found no robust scientific evidence that gender reassignment surgery was clinically effective. It warned that the results of many gender reassignment studies were unsound because researchers lost track of more than half of the participants.
Treatment is brutal and the results far from perfect. In a world where equality between men and women was reality, transsexualism would not exist.
The diagnosis of GD needs to be questioned and challenged. We live in a society that, on the whole, respects the human rights of others. Accepting a situation where the surgeon’s knife and lifelong hormonal treatment are replacing the acceptance of difference is a scandal. There are too many stories of post-operative regret, of suicide, of worsening depression to continue recommending surgeons to treat a serious emotional and mental illness.
in a world where men and women didn’t exist, there would be equality
the difference is like race; it’s so ingrained in our culture that we can’t think outside it
i would even venture to say surgical transition isn’t ideal, but neither is wanting to kill yourself due to being constantly misgendered
I cannot judge another person on basis of sex or gender preference or identity, but I *can* speak from experience. I am a biological male attracted to biological males. I have been with women, and find that “interface” to be boring and undesirable. Just because she takes hormones, removes her breasts, grows a beard and gets a deeper voice in the process, it does *not* make her a biological male. Deceptive behavior does *not* work, for most people; that big a lie only works in porn. The same goes with men in transition to a female form; I don’t care if they’re still packin’. They no longer appeal to me. I want men with male parts. A lot of “straight” males who are insecure with their curiosity resort to pre-op trans (MTF) partners, if only to see a female face. Once again, dishonesty and deception only lead to pain. Been cruised by both types, and it does nothing for me to discover that the “male” grew up without learning the behavioral restrictions imposed on males in our society, and only emulates idealized behavior (without the consciousness of the consequences a “gentleman” is expected to know).
Just saying…
I get it that Dave is well versed on certain subjects. So I ask this why is it that You don’t see many transgender ppl on A4A is it policy or just their lack of knowledge and understanding of the intent of thw site? Also GOD is the only judge and final say. So all the haters and disconcerned Mind Your Own Damn Business. Worry about how GOD is going to judge you!!!
I dont believe in God but I agree about the “mind your own business” quote.
I have no problem with dating a trans man, even before all of the publicity brought trans issues to the forefront. Looking at some of the comments on here it’s pretty clear why trans issues need attention. Some people forget that being uncomfortable with someone isn’t an excuse to speak about them in a derogatory manner. They forget what it feels like when people treat them like less than because they don’t understand them. Maybe they should remember what it’s like to have somebody try to tell them who they can or can’t be. It wasn’t that long ago that being gay was a mental disorder. Even now their are people in this world who think we should be castrated and killed and here some of you are using some of the same arguments to justify your bigotry against trans people that people used against gay people. If you don’t want to educate yourself then don’t. But try not to be so gross about it when you put your ignorance on display.
I totally agree with you! We’re still treated like crap, disowned by family members, jobs that can fire you, and the irony to talk about trans that way, like you have it all good…. well we don’t!!
I still get called names by complete strangers at times. Stop the hate! We’re in this together!
Ask for comments/opinions than criticize those who have opinions contrary to yours. EVERY single trans I’ve encountered is changing their biology, (mutilation/playing God )just not to be “gay”. The female changed to a male and has sex with females but doesn’t tell them she’s actually a born female and the guys changed to females just to be with guys. Trans is a MENTAL issue and not a sex/biological one. This is individuals playing God because they aren’t pleased with themselves. I am unable to make myself Asian, black, Mexican, Middle Eastern or any other race even though I am dissatisfied with my own race. I cannot make myself taller or shorter even though I am dissatisfied with my height. I am all good with giving my opinion, I just don’t appreciate when people offer feedback you shit on their opinion because they disagree.
Nobody wants to know your opinion on what you think about Trans, that’s fucked up. It’s like saying something like, “I think black people are inferior” or “all muslims are terrorists”. This post’s question is not ” do you think trans people suffer from mental illness?” it’s “would you date a trans person?” Don’t twist the subject around to start bitching about them. WTF?!
well, i think you presented this piece in a loaded way. it’s pretty triggering for trans people who constantly face a threat of violence to read even a title that marginalizes them. if i had written a piece like this, it would have been ‘why wouldn’t you date a trans person?’ then gone on to break down these religious barriers imposed by western culture.
[i wish we had the ability to edit our comments; the title is ok now that i look at it again, but ‘would you have sex with a transgender?’ is inviting the negativity we’ve seen here in the comments]
did you read the text? Read the title again, there’s nothing about sex in the title.
I have a friend who is a psychologist and another who is an MD. We have talked about this. From a medical perspective, transgender people will be fighting their chromosomes all their life. Hormone therapy can mimick the gender the person identifies with, but their DNA will always fight it. Psychologically, it is a tough road before, during, and after the transition. Many people just exchange one type of feeling like they don’t fit in to feeling like they don’t measure up and aren’t a good enough man or woman after the transition. After hearing that, I don’t know if I could date someone who was transgender. I want to be open minded, but I don’t want to walk a road with someone that will exchange one problem for another. Perhaps if someone completed the transition and was well adjusted I would.
I am empathic to them, and I try to never make anyone feel uncomfortable. My only concern is that some attempt to go after straight men without telling them the truth. I was watching a trans on television who asserted that he was a woman. To this point, I became confused, he asserted that he has been taking hormones for six-years and he was now a woman.
All I could think of the definition of a woman and female, which is one who has a fetus, that means female and and woman means one who has a wound that means woman.
No surgery or horomes will truly revert a person’s sexual identity. Regardless, no one should abuse or ridicule them.
Says a lot about the gay community that so many posts are vitriolic. Maybe some are too young to remember arrests, persecution, job loss, marginalization, even isolation from being true to oneself and admitting sexual attraction to thesame gender. Certainly we have a long way to go, yet we should not forget the progress. Now imagine the difficulties and challenges faced by any individual who feels trapped in a body of the wrong sex. You’d think gays would respond with a bit of sympathy and understanding. Having said all of this, I have only admitted my own sexuality in my 50s after thirty years of marriage. I spent a lot of energy hiding who I was. I am honest enough to admit I would be confused at first if I dated a FTM…appearance, of course, is often a starting point for attraction….but getting to know the person and connecting is,even more important. I’d like to think I could accept ‘different genitalia’ but it could take some time. Maybe my perspective is from that of a guy newly discovering sex with guys, and would miss the ‘guy parts’….but people manage to connect and form deep attachments in many varied circumstances. Never say never…
All the people bashing trans, you do realize the same us said about us?? That we’re suffering from mental health issues and are having an identity crisis. Funny how many of you have forgotten that, n yet you turn arounc and do the same to another group…..smdh
All of these ugly comments actually hurt my heart. The fact that anyone can have so much hatred for another human is beyond me.
That being say, I am 100% down with dating (or sleeping with or *whatever*) a trans man. I’m into men, not cock.
Hatred?
I know it’s part of the National climate to deliberately classify differing views, discussion and debate as “hatred” but it’s not.
Level-headed intelligent men are pointing out the problems with treating gender dysphoria with permanent disfiguring surgery, with guaranteed infertility and no guarantee that the surgery will address the psychological component.
Everyone should be happy, secure, accepted; people are expressing concern with today’s treatment regimens.
I only date fems(smooth body and face) transgenders and transexuals. A masculine man does nothing for me at all. I view the above people as women and don’t care who think I’m sick in the head. It don’t surprise me reading about the double standard gays hear.
It’s one of the reasons I don’t want gay friends. It’s often their way or no way. My only thing with some FTM and MTF some of them practice hate to when it comes to race but I refuse to stoop to that level. Sadly many gays know how society feels about them but still today are against interracial relationship beyond NSA sex.
from my personal facebook page: the reason lgbt (lgb & t) makes sense as an acronym is both being trans and being gay defy patriarchal standards that have power in our culture. this might seem obvious to some, but i see a lot of pitting lgb and t against each other; we are all queer and suffer from the same source of oppression, even if the manifestation for each is a little different.
i admire what you tried to do with this piece, but it’ll be another at least ten years for hearts to change
you don’t have to have a sexual attraction to someone to advocate their political equality, but posing them as different in some way from the rest of us hurts the movement
As a person of color, I understand what it’s like to not walk in the light of privilege, especially being gay. As a community we have become so self centered and self of absorbed about what “I ” feel wrapped and what “I” want wrapped in the blanket of “our” community. I think that it is nothing if not hypocritical.
Instead of making snap judgments based on ones personal tastes or lacks of experience, it would be most advantageous to get out our our selfish nature to try to form that perfect little cookie cutter community of sameness and accept the fact that there are extreme differences in us all, from race to gender identification
.
My personal experiences with trans go back to my early days of coming out. I met a beautiful woman named Tracy in NYC. This was during those days where I was struggling to find acceptance and was introduced to the ball scene. If you haven’t seen “Paris Is Burning”, I highly suggest you watch it on Netflix. Getting to know her personally was eye opening, because this beautiful woman was, at one point in her life, a model. Keep in mind, this was in the late 80’s and what we know as transgender didn’t exist. She had been on the cover of a product for those of us in the African American community, on the box of product known as “Dark and Lovely”, and she truly represented the brand. Needless to say, someone found out about her personal business and made it known, and she lost everything. It’s not an uncommon story.
Fast forward years later, met two men at a party in Oakland. They were obviously together in a relationship. They were both transgender men. I found myself curious about them, their lives and that was pretty much the extent of my personal interaction. I kept my curiosity at a distance as not to offend them, however as I look back, they probably would have welcomed that respectful curiosity.
Later, I found as I navigated through my journey as a gay man, that in my community, living out west, I encountered transgender men. The guys found me approachable, kind and also attractive. I met a guy from Seattle who ‘broke my cherry’ as it were in this area. He was fun, intelligent and attractive. It made me also think about what gender means and where it falls in the spectrum of sexuality. I saw him, and other transmen I’ve played with as who they are and who they wake up feeling themselves be and broadened my own sense of self in the process.
I say this only to state, that it may not be ‘your thing’ due to whatever lack of enlightenment you have reached personally, but is it your right to deny anyone from being who they are? Try that shoe on and see how it fits. I’m sure you won’t walk comfortably in them for too much longer.
Transgendered (or gay or fem or whatever) isn’t an issue for many people anymore. Where they are dragged into the conversation and then are made issues is when the individuals in question are arrogant, self-obsessed, self-absorbed loud attention whores who suck the life out of any place they are. When they receive negative feedback about their behavior, they’ll cry “you’re a hater because I’m transgendered (or gay or from, etc)” when in reality no one cares about their orientation; they’re just fed up with having to put up with total ass.
Couldn’t agree with you more on that, however that probably has more to do with their individual insecurities in how they walk in the world. It’s like extremes — we either regress into a shell and watch the world go by or act like a total ass without any home training. Typically it’s our younger people that fall into the latter. Time, maturity and maybe some therapy helps with most, but there are some huge exceptions!
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I have no problem with our trans brothers and sisters they are doing what right for them and what makes them whole. And I have seen some fine ass F to M and wouldn’t mind getting with them but at the end of the day I need hard ass dick in my hands and a few other places
I’m a married bi male. I’ve been married to a female for 25 yrs. Been to many swinger parties with an abundance of str8 sex. Yrs ago went to a glory hole first male expirance sucking me off. Loved it, I had a cross dresser come over regularly for yrs and we did more and more. I love Cd, Tg & Ts women. I prefer them to most gay sex. Maybe because I’m no and like women and men. I tend to like my men smooth or feminine. For me they’re great
I had the miserable experience of having dinner with a “man” with whom I thought I might be able to have a life with, only to have “him” reveal, after an hour or so, that “he” had been born a she and had two little children. The deception of this, of “his” having a beard while still having a vagina, and a female heterosexual brain, was utterly repellent, repulsive, totally dishonest, and predatory. I am sick of the intrusion of these wannabe gay men into our community, pretending to be something they can never be. Shame on Medicine for helping them mutilate their bodies so they can pretend and demand that other people go along with it. I totally understand their situation and disorder, and it is unfortunate, but life is difficult, full of paradox, and many people struggle with their sexuality and gender in some way or another. These people are just stuck. No one owes them special consideration and rights, and their demands endanger the gay community. We may lose all the rights we gained because of their intrusion. Now if a woman becomes a transman to be with women, she is a lesbian still. A man who becomes a transwoman to be with men is still a gay man, though the transition seems pointless. What’s so ridiculous about it all is that they are so focused on surface attributes like clothing and hair styles, which really have NOTHING to do with gender. They are insane, and it is insane for society to have to accommodate them so. What about schizophrenics? Don’t they have a right to their own version of reality, and shouldn’t we have to accept it? The dishonesty inherent in it all is sickening, and Medicine is just making money off of it. The Mazzoni Center rakes in 12 million a year, plus, while giving substandard care to everyone else. If a man wants to wear more feminine clothing, there are options already available, hairstyles, one does not need to alter one’s body. This is just another form of plastic surgery, self-mutilation, and it has to stop. It is hazardous to children in particular. It takes years to understand gender when one isn’t just ordinary heterosexual, and deciding to change too soon is the worst thing one could do, but it is being encouraged. And political correctness does not allow us to speak our minds, to speak truth about it. Hardly any transperson will allow you to.
I’m bisexual and way back in the 80’s I saw a transwoman (MTF) and instantly said that is a bisexuals dream and have always loved transwoman many times they make cis women look like dogs.
Since then I have had multiple relationships with transwomen and this is what I have noticed.
First the best of both worlds is not accurate at all. They are simply the best of one world because there was never a time in their life were they thought or felt like they were a boy they were always a girl so it wasn’t a case of a boy deciding one day to become a girl.
It was a girl who decided she wanted to look the same as the other girls.
They think and act exactly the same as women and it’s not a act. The only difference between them and cis is if you open doors for them and treat them like women they don’t get all feminazi on you. And love being a woman. So if you want an old fashioned type relationship were the man takes care of the woman and the woman takes care of the man they are the ultimate woman and are very easy to love.
I would say the only bad thing about them is they aren’t like what people believe they are like. Because if you are hoping to have a beautiful woman that can also fuck you you will be very disappointed.
It’s rare to find one that likes to top men .
But if you want the ultimate woman they are it.
I have only known one transman but he was cool as hell and a total guy and not acting like a guy just a guy.
And the way I see it is that what they do and what they believe doesn’t create a victim so there is absolutely no reason to demonize them. Especially in America where we are supposed to have the freedom to be who and what we want to be
And no gay person should ever quote from the Bible a book that says you should be killed is not your friend.
Wow…..I’m surprised and sickened by the hate that our own community has towards our own sisters/brothers. To tell everyone the truth I prefer to date Trans women and had some very good relationships with them while finding a good relationship with a guy is very trying because they are just looking for the nut and go usually. While some guys are still talking to me on a side level, at least after I ended a relationship with them we talk and still friendly with one another. I don’t know maybe I’m just finding more luck there then on the guy side of things but that’s how I’m feel on the topic.