Speak Out : Remembering a Friend I Lost to AIDS
(Written by Aeris, Staff at A4A)
Four years ago I lost a friend to AIDS.
He was only twenty one.
In spite of our age difference we became friends owing to shared interests: love of reading—MM romances and otherwise, love of writing, and standing up for the many causes we believe in. He was funny and brilliant, too. He painted, he was a scholar, he spoke several languages, and he was someone kind with a heart of gold willing to help many others. He was someone who had a bright future ahead of him.
But we lived in this part of the world where we were not supposed to have sex unless we are married not to mention that use of condom is considered immoral. I couldn’t help but think that awareness and a rigorous information campaign on AIDS could have changed that. And more than that, that there’s nothing shameful about buying condoms and using it. He shrugged my concerns off and chalked it up to him being reckless and unsafe.
Maybe, maybe not. So many buts, maybes, and what ifs—after all we have come a long way from when AIDS was first discovered but clearly there’s still a lot of work to be done.
It was in 1984 when the first case was reported here in the Philippines. Fast forward to March 2016 and we have 32,647 diagnosed cases. That feels like a low number considering the total number of incidence worldwide which is 36.7M. However, eighty-two percent or 26,632 of 32,647 were reported from January 2011 to March 2016 alone and that is plenty.
When my friend shared with me his status I told him I was sorry but he assured me, “No, it’s okay. I am fine. Even if I have HIV, I am happy. It’s just any other disease.”
“I’m glad you’re happy.” And I was; I could feel the truth emanating from his words and somehow I felt calm.
“Nothing really special about it so I don’t let it control my life and bring me down.”
I marveled at his acceptance and optimism especially when he told me about his dreams. He wanted to write a book, donate more to charity (he told me he donated a painting, it wasn’t much, he said, but it made him feel good), and that he wanted to become famous so he could influence people to help others. “We should all do something. We should all give something to others.”
He said that after being diagnosed HIV positive, he wanted to dedicate his life to helping others and indeed that was how we met. He approached me to offer help about this then six-month-old baby (This baby’s grandmother came to me for help because the baby needed to undergo a series of chemotherapy and thoracic surgery to remove the tumor on his lungs).
Three weeks after my friend talked to me about his status, he told me jokingly he was dying because of the hundred or so books he needed to review. I even laughed out loud because I had a picture of him in my head getting crushed by hundreds and hundreds of books he had to read.
Then there was a six weeks of silence before the news came.
My friend had passed away.
Friend, I am sorry that you lived a short life; that you didn’t get to realize your dreams. But you will forever be remembered. I want you to know that some days your words would echo in my mind: “We should all do something. We should all give something to others.”
I had not forgotten though I’m still trying to figure life out but that’s another story.
My friend, I want you to know I miss you. With you, I didn’t have to explain myself. You taught me that it didn’t matter if we have our own issues in life, we can still help others.
That life isn’t just about us.
That we aren’t just the ones who are suffering but so is everyone. But that if we divide this hurt, our grief will ease up and our lives will be a little brighter.
I hope you knew our lives are brighter because of you and today I honor your memory by sharing your story because it would have been what you wanted: for your voice to be heard.
So long, my friend! We love you.
Thank you for being the gift that you are to us.
To our readers out there, if you wish to read my friend’s last message, simply click this link. Feel free also to share a story below. Thanks!
I lost a friend to HIV back in 1992. He was loved by everyone. He was big in the community theatres in the area. He did everything from acting, choreography, to making costumes to directing. Every time that I work on a show (I do lighting design) I think about the shows we did together and wish he was still here. We were the best of friends and I miss him very much. I will never forget him.
.Aids is a disease, the same as any others. Everyone sick wishes to get better. The scary thing is, I meet a lot of men who want to have sex with me without a condom knowing they are poz and don’t care if they infect me. That is very selfish and I see it everyday. So to those who do that, they make Aids seem like it is no big deal to them and don’t care if they take others lives r change their lives. I do not think we should feel anymore sorry for those that have hiv over cancer or anything else. Nor caner over hiv etc. I have played safe and I have played unsafe, so if I would have became poz I could only blame myself. There are also people who lie abut their status or say certain reasons you will likely not contact it from them if you do it without a condom are just pathetic. Always wear a condom.. I have friends that are poz and have had b/fs and a partner that are poz. Most are poz because they played unsafely,therefore they can only blame themselves as well as anyone who may have lied to them.. Yes, I played with the partner and the b/fs unsafely. I am just lucky I remained poz. It also shows that the did not care enough to not want to take the chance of infecting me. I wish there were no sicknesses in the word, but to those who get sick without taking so many risks, I am so sorry for you!!
I am neg. Nothing personal just honesty.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m dumbfounded tho how he succumbed to AIDS in this day & age. I’m Poz 13 years… 12-1/2 years undetectable due to meds. even while uninsured. you didn’t mention his treatment protocol.
I was thinking the same thing.
Hi! I have no idea what his treatment protocol was but in the link I provided above (http://www.positivelite.com/component/zoo/item/ervan-s-story-the-uninvited-guest) he mentioned he was on the second month of ARV treatment. He told me he had excellent care and that it was for free. But I guess he really was diagnosed late.
He had been feeling it for a while but he said the signs were similar to common diseases so he ignored it. He was diagnosed Feb 2012 with a CD4 count of 2 and he passed away six months later.
Thank you so much for reading his story!
My condolences to you on the loss of your dear friend. Thanks for sharing the link to ” His Story”.
This young man really turned his life around, his dear mother, family and friends, must be extremely proud of his accomplishments, reaching for the stars, and pursuing his goals and dreams. His short life on earth was truly inspiring. May his story inspire and save lives around the world.
Rest In Peace young man, Rest In Peace.
Thank you for this heart felt story. One thing I think the Gay world could help to do is to stop being so judgmental of others. If someone is unsafe and goes bareback it does not mean they are a horrible person. If someone does not agree with same sex marriage it does not make them crimminals. If a gay man is a Republican it does not make him a hateful uncaring person. I cant understand why gay people who do not want to be judged are so judgemental themselves. Lets all try to be more loving and caring towards all people and make the world a better place.
I’m not sure what to make of this story…
There’s a difference between reading this in 2016 versus 1986. You come from a place where condoms are immoral? Really? That’s for Catholic heterosexuals avoiding pregnancy. That doesn’t apply to promiscuous gays. And quite frankly if you thought social mores kept your friend from using condoms, why didn’t they prevent him from sleeping around in the first place?
I’m really tired of excusing and sympathizing promiscuity. Progress had been made on STDs and now suddenly there’s a surge in the last 5 years as idiots all over think PrEP is the greatest thing since sliced bread. Sure, I’m glad it protects you from HIV. Now only if something would protect you from Chlamydia, syphilis, gonorrhea, herpes, warts, hepatitis…
There is no evidence that PrEP has anything to do with the increase in STD cases.
Remembering A friend? How about over 200 of them? It’s hard to sort out who went first, because back then, people would just quit showing up socially. As time went on, more and more of them simply “faded” from the bars and parties and events, until finally, someone at the Advocate figured out that LA was as hard hit by HIV as was NYC or Montreal. Took ’em awhile to get wise, but by then, they were disappearing in droves. People have no idea now what we went through, but the smart ones kept ot themselves and kept following the news, and we’re still here…damaged, but still here.
I lost a friend to HIV back in 1992. It was a very sad day in my life. He was well liked by everyone. He was very active in the theatre community. Every show that I have done since he has died, I think about all the work we had done together. I will never forget him.
That was touching.
Thank you for sharing a moving tribute and a beautiful message from a wise young soul. The point of life is to live, love, learn, and leave a legacy. He did! Thank you.
That was indeed moving and touching…thanks for sharing this and may he rest in peace