Dating : A Secret To Attract Hot Gay Men
“Anything That Moves”—is the reputed three-word philosophy of most of us gay men in terms of dating. When you “gay date” there is a perception that as a gay guy you can have whomever you want, whenever you want, and for whatever motive. BUT this is rarely true.
When you throw a look or smile at someone at a bar and you get it back it’s AMAZING. But if you don’t get it back–and mostly, gay guys don’t–the wheels start coming off, OUCH! Our “Anything That Moves” mantra becomes just a mere fantasy.
But why?
When this kind of scenario (like the one above) happens, most of us gay men just give up altogether trying to meet a hot gay guy for a possible hook up date or boyfriend. We get tongue-tied by our crush–become paralyzed by our fear of the too good-looking guy.
For instance, these are some of the most common reactions—or internal monologues—most of us gay men think or feel when we see a handsome or cute guy who caught our attention (at a bar or party or some other meet-cute venues):
‘Who is that cute guy over there? Why hasn’t he glanced me? He’s not looking at me. I want to talk to him but I just can’t go over there unless he first looks at me. If he was interested he would look back at me, right? I AM looking at him, but damn, why is he not looking? I just can’t go over there and say something. Anyway, what would I say?! But I am lonely. How can I date if I can’t even meet or talk with somebody—anybody. Goodness, he is so damn cute! This is ridiculous! I AM being ridiculous! Why don’t I just go over there and then talk to him? RIGHT. Because he’s not looking. The last time I gathered guts to come up to a guy he just turned away! AND THIS GUY WON’T EVEN BOTHER TO LOOK AT ME! Why is it that I always have to be the one to approach guys first? That’s it—I’ll be going home alone again. I’m tired of all this. HEY YOU, CUTE GUY, LOOK AT ME! Well, he’s probably taken. If he was interested in me he’d come over and talk to me or at least look back at me, right? I want to talk to him but I can tell right now that I’m not his type! How come other people can easily go home with the cutest person in the room and I am always left to go home alone? Why, oh, why?!’
Sounds familiar?
Yes, it’s a typical feeling we get when looking forward to date gay guys (at least for the night). But it really takes more than just a look, a smile, and a ‘hi’ or one-liner to get the man you want. Physical attraction is just one thing; you have to actually talk to someone to get his interest. So let’s just all be adults and start talking.
A Secret to Attract and Date Hot Gay Men
Here’s a hint: People often get drawn to confidence (the right kind of confidence). Now there are a lot of dating and relationship gurus who can give better advice about this and everything about how to attract and meet cute men, but this is the basic right here.
When out to find a date, we are often told to start by simply trying to get yourself (more) out there. But you don’t just get yourself out there—you don’t just sit right there in the goddamn bar—you actually talk to people! And it doesn’t matter who does the talking first. The goal is to talk to someone, anyone (“anything that moves”) before the night ends!
I know it’s not easy (otherwise there wouldn’t be a lot of relationship and dating coaches making money) but it’s the real deal. In fact, the assumption that it’s easier for gay men to meet other guys for dates is false.
Some gays are still in the closet and some are out just fairly recently hence with no experience at all on how to date or hook up. Other gays have been in a long dry spell while others still just got out of a breakup. And then there are others still who haven’t really gotten over their exes while some are simply too shy or just don’t know what to do.
Nonetheless, there is this usual common factor: Most of us gay men get pretty much intimidated by extremely good-looking men. When we see someone who is exactly our type, our knees turn to jelly. This is why the most common question relationship and dating experts get is not about the sex or the actual relationship stuffs—it’s “How do I attract and meet guys for a date?”
One answer to this is really quite simple: Get over the “Hot Guy Phobia”! Don’t be afraid to approach and talk to hot/handsome guys who don’t seem (at first) to be noticing you. This really is the first step and there is no other way you can date without learning how to approach someone and actually talk to that someone. Just worry about dealing with any possible rejections later. Note: Possible rejections but also POSSIBLE WIN-WIN situations.
Oh, come on, would you really feel settled just going home alone at night wondering what could have been if you just went over to the guy and talked to him? I bet not.
Times Have Changed
Of course, there are other necessary steps to dating or hooking up with somebody, too, which is really an art form that applies to gay men as well, but just as challenging as it is for modern men to attract women these days is the way gays date, or try to date, in this modern age.
The good thing though is that nowadays, the places where gays meet, how we meet, and even for what (casual or serious relationship/ short-term or long-term, etc.) has already changed positively dramatically. This may mean challenging for some, but for most, I think this sounds amazing.
Today when you date gay guys, you no longer have to go lurk in bathhouses.; you can now openly (politely) check out guys at bars and parties. You can now meet men not just for fleeting affairs but for long-lasting romances. Heck, even gay men nowadays don’t even have to fake marriages with women anymore because in USA, we can now have real marriages with fellow gays.
Bottom line is: While our opportunities have definitely changed for the better now, we still haven’t really learned how to change our dating methods to fit the times. Looking at and smiling at someone just hoping he will return the gesture just doesn’t cut it anymore. It’s akin to solving new problems with outdated ideas.
Have you recently checked out a guy at a bar or party and had that same old, same old mindset of feeling rather snob-ed while deep inside you really just want to talk to him? Well, maybe getting up to start talking is the solution. Maybe it’s the effective way for gays to date these days.
Times have definitely changed—have you tried changing your dating methods? It might just change something.
there are a lot of stereotypes and sweeping overgeneralizations in this piece.
I have never in my life had an interior monologue like the one above. I don’t have that kind of ego or insecurity.
I also don’t have a problem with walking up and saying hello to anyone, and my world doesn’t end if they don’t respond.
I don’t have a problem with going home alone.
masturbation keeps you from having sex with the wrong people.
You sort of come across like American Psycho.
I get that exact feeling!! Though I usually tend to be more attracted to hot straight guys or gay guys, but usually they’re taken or like I said straight.. there’s 2 hot straight guys I have a crush on but can’t seem to get the courage to talk to them lol.. One of the hot straight guy’s I like, we text all the time but have never actually met yet, another hot straight guy I like is a co-worker at my work..
The truth is, the more you get, the more you get. When you have had lovers enjoy you and make you feel sexy, you radiate sexiness. When other men are hot for you, they hang a sign on you that says “he’s hot,” and other guys respond to it. Part of confidence is knowing that there are guys who are into you, and letting new ones come to you. Over-seeking sends a blocking signal. Let go of your agenda and feel who’s around. For some reason, finding someone who fits your dating agenda does not draw them to you, perhaps because theirs is different. The hard part is getting the positive experience. Yet, it doesn’t help when guys approach sex as resume-building, building your vanity and ego interferes with relationships, which require heart.
A recent revelation has come to me: not all “good-looking” guys actually realize that they are so considered. Consider then, a regular guy in this category in the scenarios posed in the post: guys who are intimidated by the sexy, handsome guy may by missing the boat by NOT approaching him, as he himself may be thinking the same thing about the others in the room. The question is of course begged, “how could a good-looking guy NOT know that he is good-looking?” However, one is never truly privy to the internal dialogue going on in one’s brain and doesn’t know what that might be.
This part. Couldn’t agree more
Although i agree with 60% of the article.. the problem is not meeting someone or even dating. The fact that due to and overuse and addictive behavior to the Party drug “Tina”, and its effect on the mentality and the actions of those that use it. In the gaylife. the Party n Play theme for relentless calls for 3somes. Sex party’s and orgys of various guys without thought to behavior and most are Poz and are transmitting HIV n other STDS. It also hurts the 1 on 1 hopes for a life mate, companion or friend when guys are no longer seeking substanctive and effective communication that builds principled relationships that builds self n mutual respect, trust, love and support..
Why call it Tina. Call it what it is Crystal Meth the scourge of America
I don’t know if their is a right or wrong way to attract really cute guys. But I always have bad luck because eather they are taken they are with someone. Or their in the down low I always get curious men. It gets on my nerves because I always haven’t been able to have a good stable relationship. All my partners have eather cheated lied or in some way use me. It’s like a curse but when ever I see a cute guy I always say hi. But once I start taking to them they always tell me just to let you know I am not Gay. So before I even say or start a non sexual or just to get to know the dude the shutting down always happens. So tell me why do guys ten to do that I don’t come off as strong. But they always reassure me and let me know. It’s annoying at times but when ever they get drunk it’s a hole different story. But sometimes I just want to be friends but I guess I rub them in a certain way. I always get closet or DL guys but it is what it is and that’s why I don’t let just anyone figure me out or let them get into deep with me. Because they always end up disappointing me or I don’t let anyone in my heart for that matter. I just mess around with just a few guys but I don’t catch feelings. So know I feel I can get any guy but I don’t know how to talk to men anymore because I gotten use to use them as they use me. Because alot of men are superficial all they want is sex. I have been taken advantage of but I feel I have become Cold hearted so I would not know how to love if my true love one day is right in front of me. But I am still waiting for my price charming to save me one day but until then I don’t know what love is…
AlphaMaleConfidence attracts other males, gay str8 whatever. I find it easier to be alpha and in control with impeccible behavior to get what I want or to set the game in motion. Whatever happened to old fashioned dating with courtship and a little fucking DowntonAbbey action thrown in?
This entire article was long winded & could have been summarized into one word, “communication”.
Although your post is clearly intended for guys who are MAINLY looking for a relationship, sometimes you lump them together with guys who are MAINLY looking to hookup (i.e. bars versus bath houses).
Most guys are MAINLY looking to hookup while a smaller percentage of guys are MAINLY looking for relationships on Adam4Adam as well as off the Internet. This has ALWAYS been the case. I know this well since I started in 1975 at age 15 and was sexually active until I HAD to retire from the sex life in 2008 at age 48. The key word here is “MAINLY”. Hence, most guys who are MAINLY looking for sex will not reject a possible relationship with a qualified sex partner while guys who are MAINLY looking for relationships do get HORNY and will sometimes hookup to relieve their sexual tension. YES, you can meet your life partner in the bath house, the park, sex parties, etc.
In the past, before the phone lines and the Internet, guys who were MAINLY looking for relationships went PRIMARILY to the gay bars and dancing clubs while guys who were MAINLY looking for sex went PRIMARILY to the bath houses, parks, subway restrooms, etc. The key word here is again PRIMARILY, meaning that sometimes guys from one group went to the other group’s locations. Hence, the two groups did NOT interact much. In NYC, sex parties started in the 1990’s to fill the void left by the closing of most bath houses. Meanwhile, many gay bars and dancing clubs closed as neighborhoods became gentrified.
The two groups started to interact ONLY with the advent of first the phone lines and then the Internet meeting sites since both media provided a choice of hookups, datings, and relationships to the users. However, they are STILL TWO different groups despite the fact that many in the “relationship” group who, by nature are chattier, are using this blog and other Internet social sites to “shame” or bully those in the “hookup” group.
You cannot change the fundamental biology of men. The normal testosterone levels of men vary from a minimum of 300 ng/DL to 1,100 ng/DL. The people in the 300 to 600 range have a low to average sex drive and are content most times with chatting in a bar, coffee house or on Facebook while those in the 700 to 1,100 range have a much higher sex drive and NEED sexual actions far more often.
You said: “You no longer have to lurk in bath houses”. According to the British Oxford dictionary, to lurk is “to wait somewhere secretely, especially because you are going to do something bad or illegal” (synonym ” skulk”). Well, as someone who used to go to bath houses in NYC from the late 1970’s to the early 2000’s, I can tell you that you do NOT “lurk” in bath houses. Although some bath houses had special dark areas, most areas were well lit and, with just a mandatory towel around one’s waist, I simply do not see how one could “lurk” there. One bath house in Manhattan, “Man’s Country”, was spread on seven floors (with elevators and stairs), with a full gym on the last floor and a bar on a lower floor. Another bath house, ” The Club”, had a garden area with a glass roof. ALL the bath houses had at least one TV/lounge room where guys could meet and talk. The way it worked at the bath houses was simple: guys who were mostly looking to get fucked usually got a room while those who were mostly looking to fuck usually got a locker. And of course, with a bed in each room and behind a closed door, you could have the full range of sexual activities. And after sex, you could talk and get to know your partner, and exchange numbers if you’re interested.
Now @PatrickPerez. As you can see, even before “Tina”, there was a lot of sexual activities (orgies, 3somes, etc.). The big difference is that many of these “Tina” users would normally be in the low sex drive group without the “Tina” but the drug artificially changes their sex drive. Too bad, they are wasting their lives.
The sexual revolution of the 1960’s and 1970’s was a large scale social experiment for which, as it turned out, the human species and its sidekicks were not ready. Maybe they will be ready a thousand years from now. In the meantime guys, enjoy the DOLDRUMS!
The Secret to Attract and Date Hot Gay Men? Be hot ! If you’re not hot, good luck !
The author did make good points. I note that the way to get along is to remember to love your neighbor as yourself. If you look down on yourself, it shows, and you will get treated as you treat yourself. If you look down on others, they’ll notice, and they won’t like being around you. It’s a certainty that a guy can’t converse if you aren’t talking. It can’t hurt to be honest and simple, with a little smile. “Hey. I know you don’t know me, but I just had to come say hello.” No con-man fake grin, no sad-ashamed looking at the floor. You’re telling the guy you noticed him, and he’s worth risking rejection to say hello. Trust me, if you’re calm and friendly, he should be flattered. Even if he doesn’t want to talk, at least you let him know. And the worst you get is where you started anyway, so what’s to lose? Rejection is hard, but not as hard as rejecting yourself to where you don’t even try. I like to imagine a while from now, and to ask: “Will I regret doing it? Or will I regret NOT doing it?”
I take exception to the statement that a gay man used to have to “lurk in a bath house to get a date.” Firstly, the bath house was only one social venue gay men had to gather. Most men who went too a bath house were there to scratch the sex itch then get back to their everyday lives. The article talks of getting pout and meeting other gay men…but how? The social scene has degraded to the extent one doesn’t have to leave the comfort of his house. The bath house nowadays is a state of mind….plenty of men lurking on the internet
If you don’t know how to attract someone hot then he’s out of your league. That’s the reality of life as a gay man.
Have to agree with EINATHENS. Too many generalizations in this piece.
There’s the “young, urban, trendy” gay stereotype that does not apply to most gay men. Most gay men (when taking the entire spectrum or age and geographic location) are not “young , urban, or trendy” and they rarely, if ever, seek out other men in bars. They find men in a variety of locations and other everyday venues, getting to know other guys ahead of the pressure of hookups or dating. From there, connections are natural and easy.
There’s also a limited view here of “hot”. There an assumption of “cute” or “built” or “model-like”. “Hot” is in the eye of the gay beholder and it covers a variety of body types that do not fit the general stereotypes of “cute” or “built” or “model-like”
Many gay guys miss the point of how to get “Mr. Hot” (however they define him). It generally involves shedding any tendency to be arrogant, self-absorbed and self-centered. And it involves patience without instant gratification. That’s a tough road for some … perhaps many.
Dear Abby or Anonymous,
I gather that all that verbal diarrhea was about changing your dating methods to get the ” hot” guy? How “hot” is this guy? Shouldn’t 96 degrees Fahrenheit be sufficient? You think that you have a problem catching the “hot” guy?
Now, consider the case of an ALIEN whose boby parts are used to improve the economy and the financial markets, reduce crime and the national debt while, on the other hand, having sex with these parts has a negative effect on all of the above. Should he or should he not have sex, especially since he has a wet, velvety, and hungry man hole?
Now, that is a MAJOR problem!
@I-Know-Now.
If “they” chop off the ALIEN’s legs, he won’t be able to have sex or commit any other “mischief”. Problem solved!
I know that this is going to come off as conceited. When I came out (age 40, divorced 2 kids), I had a real rough go at it. I went through quickly all the thought processes mentioned above. One day I asked a few friends what I was doing wrong, and they all said “nothing…you are way too intimidating because of your looks and confidence”. While I appreciated the advice, I was left with…what the fuck do I do now? My strategy was this…have no expectations, get no disappointments. I don’t mean this in a Debby downer flavor. I just went out to have fun. Worked wonders for me. To try and figure out in any one particular instance with one particular stranger is way too complex and the chances of you being right in assumptions, and therefore able to be sucessful, are pretty slim. The one night stands were soo much fun, and I met a lot of guys who are still my friends today. i even found Mr. Right! (and he is very hot!)
The message here is that guys are always just looking for the next ” Hot” guy. Shallow as it sounds, its the truth. Np one here has mentioned that maybe giving someone an opportunity who may not be considered “Hot”, might turn out to be your Prince Charming. Next time when you go out to a Bar, Club….etc…try talking to someone you might realize that even though he didnt catch your eye at first, the more you talk with him…the more you might like him…
Rick, you are quite right but it takes two to tango. It happened to me around 2002 when I went to the bath house and met a fine man ( body, dick, language, manners) who fucked me affectionately and made me come. He told me afterwards that he would give me his phone number so I could come to his place but, all the while, he NEVER told me his name and NEVER told me that he knew me.
There were many tops and versatile tops at the bath house that night and, of course, I went into the “fill-up” mode, trying to have as much fun as possible since for a versatile bottom like me it is basically “feast or famine” in terms of sex unlike a top, especially a well-endowed top who has the embarrass of riches. I made the mistake of not replying to his requests for more sex that night. Now why did I not have sex again with him is still a mystery to ME because he made love very well, spoke well (I have weakness for that) and certainly was better endowed than any other man there. As he was leaving, he looked at me sadly without giving me his number. I never saw him afterwards.
Well, it was only about eight or nine years later after I became disabled that I finally figured out who he was when I found his Facebook profile with his pic through a link from another profile. His family and mine have been friends since the early 1970’s and, in fact in the summer of 1977, when I was in high school I tutored his older brother who was in middle school in mathematics. I remember that even though he was a kid back then, he was always watching me intently as I tutored his older brother. I did not really keep in touch with the family but I ran into his mother and him in the 1980’s -he was a young teenager – and I remember that after I chatted with his mother, he kept turning back to look at me as his mother led him away.
However, I did NOT recognize him at the bath house since his face looked very different (more mature) than when he was a young teenager. Had he told me his name, then it would have been a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT story. I would not have even looked at the other men there because I would put him automatically at the top of my relationship list. There would have been NO need for “the more you talk with him…the more you might like him…” as you said. He was not a stranger, he was already PRE-QUALIFIED in my book.
Although I am a free spirit sexually, I could count on my fingers the number of men that I would consider relationship material and sex was NOT the only factor. I always knew that when you get into a relationship with someone, you also get into a relationship with his family and his family definitely is the kind of family I would like to be part of. I did send him a message on Facebook apologizing for what happened in 2002 but he did not reply but that is ok. He is now married to a woman and has one or two kids.
Well it seems that I have a luck for such missed situations. Around 2004-2005, a mysterious man at a sex party also fucked me affectionately and made me come. He was wearing a hat with large lowered brim covering his eyes so that I could not see his eyes. He smiled and looked happy after I came just like the man above in 2002. However, he did NOT tell me his name nor did he ask me mine so I went to the bathroom to freshen up and then left the party. Why did I not ask this man his name? Because I had seen him a few times before at this party and at another one and whenever he passed me, he would slightly lower his head so that I could not recognize him under the lowered brim of his hat. As a result, when we finally had sex, I had already accepted that he did not want to be recognized so I did not push the matter. Well about ten years later, after I became disabled, I found out that he was my former classmate and good friend in middle school and high school who skipped a grade with me. When I found out, he had already passed away suddenly from a heart attack or stroke in 2011. Then I re-examined certain events in middle school and high school and came to the conclusion that he was always very much interested in me although I did not catch his subtle actions and words at that time. Now why did he not reveal himself to me at the sex party is a mystery that he took with him to the grave. We were both around 44 yo then, single and as it turned out, we both had Bachelor’s and Master’s degrees in the same field and also working in the same field.
This friend from the 2004-2005 sex party would also be at the top of my relationship list and you may ask who would I have chosen. Well, the first one who asks me, that is simple. Hence, I missed two Princes Charming who were available. However, I do keep very fond memories of that special time I spent with them.
Mea culpa! I meant the “embarassment of riches” and not the “embarrass of riches”.
All the possible relationship level guys should go to HELL because they were busy bending over backwards for the nasty, primitive, mean, rude , and not anointed pot-smoking rasta, and drug-selling Jamaican jerk. I know who I AM now so F…u, stupid ingrates!
Many gay men are not interesting at all, open relationships, total bottoms, total tops,
and just plain not attractive.