Speak Out : Why Some Guys Don’t Reply to Messages?
“Sometimes when I’m on A4A surfing and I see someone’s profile that I might be interested in and I say hello or a little more like “Hello there. How’s your day?” But then I get no response and after a while I see hat he viewed my profile but didn’t have the courtesy to speak back. I find that kinda arrogant and mean’ spirited. My suggestion is that maybe you could pose that on your blog so we can see how other guys feel about this. I think it’s kinda strange to think everyone that speaks or say hello is out to screw or get screwed. Thanks”
This happened to all of us one day or another and I even do it myself sometimes. But why? Are we too busy to answer politely that we are not interested or not into him? Are we afraid to hurt someone’s feeling? I think it might actually be more hurtful not to get an answer, but do you care about hurting someone’s feeling?
Do you answer all messages that you get? Do you have any suggestions? Do you think a “I’m not interested, thank you” button would be great to have on A4A? Discuss below!
The feeling of annoyance runs both ways. On an anonymous internet site I get a bit surprised that people seem to feel they are entitled to my time.
Some one decides to value their time sending a hello (it’s not saying hello, there is no physical interaction going on here), the recipient saw it but valued their time doing something else rather than replying. Who are you to say how they should spend their time, after all, it is Their time.
Is it mean spirited if someone doesn’t stop their activities in a bar to reply to every stranger who casts a glance or says hello in passing?
Listen , your time is just as irrelevant as everyone else’s in the grand scheme of the universe , so stop pretending your shit doesn’t stink and get yourself checked. simply saying “I’m not interested thank you though” is classy. And it doesn’t take only but a few seconds which equates to really nothing over the 13.5 billion years of existence of everything.
Yup, I’m not interested but thanks anyway goes a LONG way.
Until he forgets a week later.
and thus the cycle continues, because it would be wrong to block him after the 3rd time!?
Amen to that! God forbid you have to utilize mere seconds to show some courtesy to someone. And for the record, STU, if someone in a bar says hello in passing to me, I have no trouble in saying a quick “hi there” back. And if someone catches my eye, I might nod or raise my drink slightly. It’s called basic courtesy. You might want to look into it.
“Couresy” left the gay scene with the pandemic. Give me a retro party with a bunch of old leather queens ANYDAY. Twinks are banned at the door.
Ouch. Entitled much MATT? Getting butt hurt because some internet stranger didn’t acknowledge your existence and ascribing all sorts of emotions to that stranger is called basic low self-esteem. You can look that up while I get some lessons from Ms. Manners.
Why is it necessary to project yourself onto Matt’s comments?
I dot think Matt suffers from low self esteem as you might think. He has class, something lacking in our society be it black white Jew or Catholic gay or straight Asian or Latino. You know , acknowledging someone may make the difference between saving someone’s life or pushing themselves over the edge. I get it, most of us live in a bubble and I am guilty of it as well. Some of the gay community has fallen victim to the ruling class “divide and concour” sickness to push their agenda. We are better than that. Simply aknowege your brother interested or not. Let’s not be like the rest of the sheep out there.
Who cares!? This is NOT a dating website this is a hook-up site. If someone does not reply to your message move on to the next and stop whining. The thing that really pisses me off is a new profile comes online (new to the site) you’ve never viewed it and once you do for the very first time the person has already blocked you. What’s that all about? It happens a lot and not just me either. Friends of mine have had the exact same thing occur. Who are these people who seem to think they are all high and mighty – they create a new profile and cruise through this website blocking those who have never contacted you. Back to the actual topic who cares unless of course you like reading a rejection email. I’d rather not have one.
Actually it IS a Dating website.
Maybe you overlooked it reads and started as ADAM 4 ADAM.
Maybe you just are apposed to gay men looking to meet other men.
Maybe you can’t have a date because you’re now so jaded that silly mortals like me look at the face and body first instead of the cock and asshole to decide if the guy is attractive enough to want to meet.
Like you said “who cares and move on”
It’s just amazing that given a little anonymity on the Net you devolve into this and think you’re above what we used to take for granted from each other as COMMON COURTESY. I hope you’re proud of yourself because the world you make now and the new norm is going to be the world of your future. It’s not difficult AT ALL for me to be kind to others. That’s how I was raised. Sorry you weren’t so fortunate.
Yea that doesn’t go far at all. Most of the time when you say that you get “Fuck you faggot sissy bitch” or some other ignorant shit back. O find its better to just not respond at all. Plus it’s irritating when you express your interest on your profile and the exact opposite of what you’re attracted to messages you anyways. Almost as annoying as the “what you into” or “what you looking for” questions when everything was already explained on the profile.
Join the club! Isn’t that the truth! Sure like most of us were thaught about people were people. But lets face it, one’s personal interest (or attractions) is just that PERSONAL! No one is to tell you WHO to like. Yes the above scenero becomes very frustrating after a while. The what nots are the only ones with the nuts to message you, just like the morons had them to ignore your interest stats, why not! Kinda makes you feel like you must be cursed with only getting the attention from those types. I guess that famous rule of manners we were taught can apply-“If you can’t say something nice,don’t say anything”?
Yes, saying not interested to guys online is an good gesture and even I try my best to follow that rule. HOWEVER the most common result of doing said gesture makes me regret I didn’t ignore most guys in the first place! Often folks don’t even care what you say, the mere fact you replied is a green light to be more forward and perverse! And let’s not forget trolls who don’t better things to spend their time on.
Guys, stop acting like you have a sense of entitlement so much that someone is SUPPOSED to say something to you when you approach them. Just like you don’t wouldnt the same in a bar or club, why is it expected here? That’s like me going on GMail and telling every piece of junk mail out there, “Sorry, I’m not interested in receiving millions of dollars from a rich African prince.” Grow up fellas and realize these fleeting moments of our lives shouldn’t be wasted on playing the victim card. Move on to the next tail or pole and see where the cards lay.
It’s pretty simple. They aren’t interested. If you have the time to sit around waiting for someone to reply, you have way too much time on your hands.
..as IF your “time” is worth much. What an asshole!
i find it ironic that people would ride in on high horses to lecture Stu for having a different perspective.
I’m with Stu on this one. Why am I beholden to respond to every single message I get just because someone sent a “hello” or one of those ridiculous “smiles”? I don’t have any obligation to engage in conversation with someone I’m not interested in BECAUSE they sent me a message, so I’m not going to make them any form of priority. While some people don’t see a response as an inconvenience, I’ve had my fair share of peopl who either A) started harassing me or B) got incredibly upset when I suddenly stopped replying.
If I decide to reply it’s my business, and no emotionally stable adult has any reason to be upset by this.
I get that completely. Read my profile – It say I’m into hwp guys. Not 5/7 240#. That’s just me and what I get into.
I think guy’s should read your profile before sending a hello or smile, I get messages from guys who are dominate and who are looking for a submissive, my profile clearly states I’m not into domination. Also we all have types of guys we are attracted to, but a polite response only takes a second to type. Then you have guys on here that think they are god’s gift to other men and are very arrogant. Judge Judy summed these types of people up very well “beauty fades, dumb is forever. so if someone does not respond you probably better off not knowing these wankers.
Well Peter my issue is the opposite of yours I do actually read profiles and if a guy says he’s looking for a black top that likes picnics in the park and threesomes and getting his toes licked and then I reply and say hey I’m a black top that likes picnics in the park with threesomes and looking guys tol then why does he read my message and then not reply but then he’s online everyday for the next two weeks searching for dick and can’t figure out why he’s not getting it
Maybe like many gay men he is just looking for the next best thing worried that if he settles for you (and you sound totally worth the reply) he might just miss out on something his tiny little mind believes might be better.
It’s not just a4a that has these kinds of problems it is chronic throughout social media. People no longer think they have to be polite because you don’t have the face to face connection. It takes a quick response “thanks but not interested”…27 short key strokes. Maybe we should shorten it for those of us who don’t have the time to just TBNT and people would get it.
I think this blogger is being way too sensitive. If I’m not interested in someone, I’m not gonna be mean. But at the same time, I’m probably just not gonna respond. It’s totally ridiculous to think people are being rude by not rejecting you in a “nice” way. When people don’t respond to me, I figure I’m not their type and move on. Don’t be so sensitive. people.
Bingo. Spot on. In this new sick culture, everyone who gets ignored seems to feel entitled to be a complete asshole when their feelings get ignored.. i agree with the “so what” attitude. Those offended need to get over their damn selves before lecturing others.
Maybe it has something to do with the fact that the fucking messaging system is broken for almost a year now and A4A refuses to acknowledge it. I have iron clad proof that the messages are not being delivered when they are really sent. I have my notifications set to send an email for every message. I have had conversations where the person just stops responding, and I think they’ve flaked out. Then, days later a reply is sitting in my inbox. The first couple times this happened I thought the person just picked up where they left off. Then I started looking at the email notification system and noticed that the timestamp on the message didn’t match the timestamp on years email. They were sent hours or days earlier (during the conversation) and we’re stuck in the system for whatever reason. This happens CONSTANTLY. I even made a new account and paid for premium in order to butch at support. Basically I was told that it was my fault, or that my settings were wrong, or it was my browser, or whatever else they could think of to pass the blame away from them. I have missed so many connections here because of this stupid problem, I said fuck it and stopped using it. 6 months later I figured I’d try again, and guess what? IT STILL HASN’T BEEN FUCKING FIXED!!!!
I can show screen shots showing when emails were sent and what the message timestamps are if anyone responsible for this fucking disaster cares to try to actually SOLVE the fucking problem. You have my email address.
Mike, you definitely seem angry, sorry for your problems. I may be the blog guy, but I am also a user of A4A and I have no idea what you are talking about. Maybe your browser is out of date I don’t know, I have messages in my mailbox now with the correct date and I am able to meet guys when I want to, and never miss a message. I will check with support with your email address and ask them to get back to you.
Youre right, im damn angry. I find it Incredibly hard to believe that I am the only one having this issue, especially given the length of time it has been happening and that it has happened on two different accounts, regardless of the browser (I use it on my phone and pc, it happens with Firefox and chrome), and regardless of the email provider. I think I am just the only one who actually noticed that when a message comes in, the inbox and email both show the same time, but the timestamp on the message itself inside the email is from hours or days earlier. This first happened in October of 2015, never had had a problem before thatMike. I’ve contacted support several times – including as a paid member – forwarded screenshots, and was basically told to piss off.
I doubt that they would told you to piss off Mike. They are very respectful people, we don’t hire stupid support people. That being said, we are redesigning/reprogramming the whole site and conversation system as well, so if there’s a different time in your mailbox, it’s probably not important enough to try to find what causes that as it will be changed in few months. I understand your frustration but if it’s just the timestamp/clock, it’s not the most problematic thing.
You, like support, missed the point of that. The first time this happened back in October, I was having a conversation with a guy, and he stopped responding. This was Oct 25th. I thought he lost interest and moved on. 5 DAYS LATER (October 30th), I got a direct reply to my message. Not “sorry my computer crashed”, not “I know it’s been a while”, but it was a direct reply, as if it was sent immediately after my last message. The timestamp on the inbox said (9hrs ago). The email itself was stamped the same time. However the message inside the email with the A4A headers and everything was dated October 25th. When I asked him about it he said that he replied 5 days ago and didn’t hear back from me so he moved on. I have screenshots of that. It is not simply a clock error on the timestamp, the message was stuck inside the system for 5 DAYS before it got to me. I sent a ticket in, and all I got back was a canned response telling me to clear my cache or try a different browser (neither of which would make any difference when the problem is in YOUR system). When I replied, offering the screenshots, I got no answer. So yeah, they passive-aggressively told me to piss off.
I’m with Mike. I’ve had entire, current (like Right Fucking Now) conversations simply vanish from my In Box, but if I go to my buddy’s profile and send a message from there, VOILA the conversation is restored to my In Box… for a brief time. I have also experienced delayed message delivery but not 5 days… more like hours.
The support side of A4A is pointless. I’ve NEVER gotten a response, be it right, wrong or pointless. Nothing.
If you can email me directly I will send you screenshots of exactly what I’m talking about.
No, I’m not in support team, when they will send you a email, send them your screen shots.
Dave, you’re the front man, the face of A4A. Saying “this isn’t my problem” is the equal of the rude French waiter saying “not my table.” The correct customer service response is “I will contact your privately and put you in touch with a named person with an individual email address, in the support dept.
I suspect the problems with web site functionality are rooted in old code that can’t handle the traffic the site now enjoys. I’m hopeful (but not anticipating) that the re-write will fix what’s broken without screwing up the parts that work. I’m willing to be a beta tester, too. Have your roll out team contact me.
I understand but that is not what I said, if you read the thread.
I AGREE — I *was* a paying member of A4A and after multiple times LOSING messages, not having full upgrades (still got advertisement, messages deleting after 10 days, etc) I wrote several times to support THE FIRST THREE responses were robots thanking me for reporting the problem that they would ‘look into’ == in total frustration I wrote a fourth time three weeks later and requesting a human response. I was told they couldn’t find anything wrong and from their side it all appeared fine. In their lame attempts I was suddenly upgraded to the NEW website, the graphics, color, and constant need to resize windows made me feel ill. I was treated disrespectfully and again THEY TOOK MY MONEY WITHOUT FIXING THE PROBLEM, its cool I will report it to the better business bureau, however,m it seems interesting that while I searched for answers to how to FIX the problem I discovered THIS BLOG with literally HUNDREDS of complaints (and a few favorable compliments) about the redesign. Gentlemen if you cant give PAYING CUSTOMERS what they want then your designers are NOT WORKING FOR YOU!
Actually, the email delay is correct. The system which sends emails externally is very inconsistent. I KNOW it isn’t my browser or phone (pure Google Nexus phone so I don’t have to wait for any carrier updates).
It occurs off and on, but consistently several times a week. A user will send a message, and I will get the email hours or days later (usually with a clump of other messages from A4A)
I will ask our dev team about that Ron, but I think the external message was removed a while ago, because people were complaining that they were getting too many emails. So the “bulk” message that you get, is not a problem, it is how the system works, I think every 24 hours or so, if the messages are not read, you will get an external email.
Ron, did you check your settings though? Because you can get these external emails at “each message”, “daily”, Weekly” or “never”. Check in your profile under Notifications and alert Settings.
No, it’s still there, and I have mine set for “Each Message”. With this setting the emails come as soon as a message/smile/unlock hits your inbox, there is no delay (maybe a few minutes). This setting was how I figured out the messages were being delayed in the first place.
LOL know what’s funny? This morning I got a whole load of site spam all at once. 6 ads. I’m not complaining about them, I know their purpose. But I find it hysterical that one of them is “Our 4th of July Gift To You”…. It’s July 31st. Still want to say there’s no problem with the messaging?
Mike, in your mailbox ALL ads from a4a are adding to the last one, so yes it is normal that you see them all under the other, it’s not a glitch.
They didn’t have anything to “add” to. I delete them when they come in. So you’re trying to tell me that they purposely sent out 6 ads all at once this morning? One of which was for a 4th of July special??? I seriously hope you’re not trying to imply that I’m really stupid and don’t know that they send out one or two a week…
Mike, when did you login last? I have several account on a4a to test things out, or when we do some changes. When I open an old profile of mine I receive ALL the ads since my last login. That’s how the system works. Why? Because A4A is free and we run our company with those ads. So you will get ads, there’s also banner ads on the sides
OK so when were the MisterBNB, Christian Undies, Reality Thugz, Free 30 mins porn, NextDoorBoy, and Tarzan ads sent out? Because I got all six of them at 8:58am CDT this morning. And like I said, I have logged in several times a day for the past 9 days. I’ve gotten smiles and a couple messages since I’ve been here.
Mike, like I said, the ads add up. So the last ad you received, showed also all the other ads.
Also, when you login with the app, you dont get the ads because they are x rated and apple/android dont authorize that. So maybe when you logged in from desktop after, you got them all at once, it’s NORMAL.
If you have any other questions, make sure to contact support.
I have the same issue…this guy s problem is legit..I’ll message 12 guys..all at the same time ..all of them ONLINE..not one will answer back until the next day… it happens ALL THE TIME!!..its like there’s a 12 hour delay…you can explain it away all you like…I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks there’s something wrong here.. and I’ve thought this for quite sometime…my ego takes quite the hit…I’m thinking “what’s the deal?..is it my approach?..bad pics?”..the next day, tons of mail!..u think this guy is right….thanks
Yes it’s because they are not nice people. I have had some ignore me and then later they suddenly want to chat with you
I rarely give second chances.
After reading a few of these I actually have an opinion…Guys sometimes you may not get a response because much of the time…from my limited experience… the bulk of the chat exchanges are after happy hour, a night out or some other DOC; if you get a hello days or weeks later frame of mind should be taken into consideration. Sorry fellas but not everyone has read the chapter on man to man online gay networking in Countesses LuAnn’s Book of Etiquette. Also I have had guys take a polite “thank you, but not feelin a vibe” as an opportunity to either persuade or berate while others are cool with trying again another time.
Also, like Pera from above says incompatibility is a factor. I have been one to ignore once I have seen the pics; usually it’s because I’ll take a look at the guys profile and think either he didn’t read mine or I should have included that I really like or dislike something, but who knows let’s see if I’m willing to compromise; the picture comes and the aesthetics just aren’t enough to make up for the things out of sync. Do I want to reply with an explanation? Nope, nor would I want to hear your crap at this juncture. There are other mermens in the oceans.
People don’t speak back because they know this person is not their type or there’s something in the person’s profile message that is unattractive. In short, no one wants to lead someone on or be rude by saying “not interested!”
The problem is that not responding to an inoffensive message is itself already an act of rudeness. Many people consider that to actually be more rude than a reasonably polite rejection message.
maybe a “who yanked your chain?” button. just kidding. someone not responding to a message tells me he’s not interested in talking to me. let’s not wear those feelings all the way out there on our sleeves.
If someone is not my type, but they say hi or i am handsome
i still respond to thank them for the kind words.
Does not mean you have to keep replying if your not interested,
but at least be kind enough to say thank you.
This goes a long way, someone could be feeling bad or down you never know.
Remember , We are all human and have feelings “treat others as you want to be treated “
I will respond most times even though I regret replying to some. I mean my profile is plain as day but they will write knowing we’re not a match. I even ask them did they really read my profile and many will still lie. Also some I have engaged in convo with waste both of our time with BS even talking on the phone. I don’t get mad it just weeds out the CREEPS. READ THE PROFILE FULLY BEFORE YOU WRITE.
Totally empathize with you on this one . I too had a word precise profile that made it crystal clear what I was seeking . The only people who ever messaged me were the total opposite . Like WTF , can people here not read , or are they just hard headed ? ?
On a separate note , I come from a very , very small location and I happen to have figured out who many of the members here are . I know , however , that they don’t have a clue who I am.
I often get messages from people who list their age as 5 years or so over my preference but in real life they’re actually 20+ years older than their profile states. To those guys .. maybe that’s why I don’t respond !
Certainly, there are various circumstances in which someone does not deserve a response because of the content of their original message, but that’s not really the issue being discussed here. If the original message is polite and inoffensive and there is no mismatch with any stated criteria for the recipient, common courtesy dictates that a response is expected.
I figured it is because most gay men are bitchy queens and they will eat their own, and not in a good way!
Ron, you are right. Most gay queens are stuck up bitches,
I’ve been on both sides of this coin. Many guys don’t respond to me after seeing my pics. I’m average looking and don’t get as many responses as I’d like when I send an outgoing message.
What gripes me the most is when I send a message and INSTEAD of reading it, they look at my pics and just delete the message.
I feel like starting WWIII over this. Major rude!!
Messages come to me all the time by men I don’t like. I make myself invisible before checking out their profiles so they won’t be hurt so bad.
Lastly, 99% of messages sent are sent because we are physically attracted to the man we see. That’s why the message is sent to begin with. Lets be HONEST. We want sex or a relationship that’s why we are on here.
CURTIS..
Not everyone is on this venue for sex & relationships..
I TOTALLY agree with Conquistador007.
Curtis,
What would you like somebody to do if they’re not interested in you? Let’s put that spin on you…..what do you do if you’re approached by somebody that’s not what you’re looking for? Do you HONESTLY reply to EVERY single E-Mail you get?
Are you also upset when people view your profile but DON’T send a message…..are they being rude too?
Just because I may be what you’re looking for DOES NOT mean you’re what I’m looking for.
If they’re not looking for sex or relationships then why are they on here?
This site is full of sex ads so everyone knows what is promoted in here.
SouthernBoisB,
All I want is for the other man to read my message and not just automatically delete it.
He doesn’t even have to say anything to me.
If I exert the energy to type and send a message, he should at least read it.
I understand if he does not like me. I don’t like many in here either but I at least will read the message even if I’m not interested.
My earlier response is a reply to: CONQUISTADOR007
Not everyone replies, I have to assume it’s because they’re not interested. There are some really great guys out there that will reply and tell me they’re not interested. It’s not worth worrying over. If a guy is interested he will reply. The guys that don’t reply aren’t worth the headache.
I agree with you Joey. When you’re dealing with other gay men you had better get a thicker shell. If a person is interested , he will hit you back, if not, you may be ignored. I couldn’t care less, as long as does affect the welfare of my job, my bills getting paid, or my lifestyle.
I agree with you Joey. When you’re dealing with other gay men you had better get a thicker shell. If a person is interested , he will hit you back, if not, you may be ignored. I couldn’t care less, as long as does NOT affect the welfare of my job, my bills getting paid, or my lifestyle.
Joey,
I agree with you.. Especially with your last sentence.. You’ve hit the nail right on the head.. Most of the so called men on here.. Are not worth the headache at all.. If I get a reply from them.. Great.. If not, then even better because either way.. Tomorrow is another day and another opportunity for focusing on what really matters the most.
I get the feeling that my age is working against me as a bottom. It seems to really be bad in my area.
I also sometimes regret that because you can only provide limited information on any profile it keeps a lot of superficial people from wanting to try getting to know the whole person. If I see a profile I might be interested in I would rather get together for a face to face chat over coffee or whatever. Even if nothing develops sexually perhaps a person can at least make another friend. One can never have too many of those.
I also just thought of another phenomenon common in my area I call the use you and lose you attitude. Like some guys are just looking for notches on their belt.
I myself have not responded back to guys who hit me up that didn’t interest me and MANY times have not gotten responses back from guys that I was interested in that I hit up. For me it was not wanting to hurt the others guys feelings. But there definitely are a lot of cocky/arrogant guys out there who are looking for “perfection personified” and feel they are too good for you. So with that being said,
I think a “Thank you, not interested” response option is a GREAT idea. I really think the tech/support team should REALLY give that some serious thought!
I find it a ludicrous notion that people think they are owed something by a stranger just because they say so. Get over yourself.
My pet peeve is illustrated in the example: sending a message that just says “hi” or some other meaningless equivalent. especially from a blank profile, which happens all the time. Wtf is that supposed to mean to me? People tell me “it’s a way to start a conversation. ” no it’s not. It defers the start of a conversation. It works in real life because you’re in each others presence, feeling out the chemistry, making eye contact etc. but online you have none of that. Hi is just tedious and annoying. And is almost always followed by a few more meaningless emails like “how are you” and “so what’s up”. Small talk has no purpose online. It just makes me have to waste time typing tedious meaningless responses for no reason. Very annoying. For gods sake SAY SOMETHING when you contact a person. Otherwise why would anybody even want to respond??
I agree completely. I get ignored when I say hi and I’m okay with that? Why? Because my opinion of myself doesn’t hang on others’ opinions of me. It’s called being an adult. I’d rather someone be genuine if they’re going to talk to me anyway, not do me any favors.
I bet you’re a thrill at parties. Over there in the corner, being ostracized because nobody wants to deal with your attitude and holier-than-thou personality.
Well you’re the one ridiculing someone here. So have a good look in the mirror.
Projection, Matt. Projection.
I know I’m late to the party, but how is he projecting? Sidd sounds like an horse’s ass. (And having read some of your comments, SAYWHUT, I wouldn’t be throwing shade.)
“Hi” is acceptable. If the other person is interested, he will respond whether I typed a novela or a hi.
So are you saying if the other person says more than a HI, you’ll respond even if you’re not interested with him?
A courtesy “Thank you, not interested” button would be most helpful and respectful. However, many still get butt hurt. My reply is often, “respectfully, my interests do lie elsewhere. Good luck in your A4A online search”. Often, after sending that (and not blocking the sender who did send a message, whom I was not interested in), I will still receive a nasty reply full of vile, piss & vinegar and then get blocked. Too many on here are too hung up on themselves and too damned sensitive and too easily butt hurt. After all, it’s just A4A, isn’t it?
I used to try to be polite and speak back to everyone…until those same guys starting being rude toward me for not being interested. I’ve been cursed out by guys who asked why did I bother responding to them if I wasn’t going to let them in my pants! I’ve had guys block me (as if that’s some sort of punishment) or post my name in their profile as a warning for others not to bother, just because I was only being friendly and not physically interested. I don’t have a problem being friendly, but I now know most guys on A4A do. Guys here frequently mistake a response for interest, which isn’t always the case. So to avoid the rudeness, I simply stopped responding to anyone I wasn’t physically interested in. In the long run, it just saves a lot of unnecessary headaches.
I’m pretty clear about who I’m looking for and not to bother to contact if they don’t have pictures or don’t unlock, or sound like a jerk.
That’s the only times I ignore.
Why does anyone think they are sooooo special that they are owed a reply from ANYone they message? How arrogant, self-important, and self-absorbed are We?
If I hit up a guy and he does not respond, great. It’s simple. He didn’t see a connection.
If a guy hits me up, I’ll always read his message and his profile. If there could be a match, I’ll respond. If there are no “red flags”, I’ll respond and will be willing to explore what we’re looking for.
But if he has nothing in his profile (sometimes there’s nothing more than “I’m an open book. Ask me anything”) or if his profile indicates what he’s looking for is no where near a match, I won’t respond. For example, no picture and/or virtually nothing in text in a profile equals no response. A gaping hole picture or a picture of a guy hanging around a toilet is questionable. Ask “what city do you live in?” or if the opening line is “Do you want to fuck me?”, I’ll be moving on silently. No nasty response. No blocking if it ends there.
If there’s a second prompt to meet, I’ll respond respectfully that I was not looking for what he was. Except for only one time, that has ended the discussion.
Bottom line .. I’m not owed a response. No one is on a dating site.
I experience a couple issues regarding chat dynamics that relate to this.
It’s not a face-to-face conversation, in which most people have a more similar understanding of what is polite and what is rude. Pointedly not speaking or walking away from an in-person conversation is rude. People also have the ability to communicate intuitively via facial expressions and body language, so in some cases, not speaking doesn’t mean you didn’t respond – it just didn’t require words. Chat, however, is very different. There’s no body language, and you must type things out. If there is a delay from your message and its response, how long is ‘too long’? I’ve had guys get cheesed because I took more than a few seconds, when others may not respond (and seem OK) with a pace of one message every several minutes… or longer. Often, there’s a pattern, and if we’ve been messaging rapidly, and I need to go, I’ll say something. However, if we’ve been sparsely messaging, then there doesn’t feel like any strict sense of urgency to respond immediately or explicitly indicate that I’m going offline before I go.
There’s also commonly false assumption that your chat with someone is the only thing they have going on at the time. People can have multiple ‘conversations’ via messaging, each of which requires some time. And the guy probably isn’t refraining from doing anything else online like surfing, watching TV, or doing housework if there’s no urgent conversations on his plate. IRL, these things are obvious (such as if you chat with someone who is at work – it’s not rude for them to pause the conversation to carry out work tasks as they need to – you can anticipate those moments).
And as someone else pointed out, someone sending a wink or just saying “hey” or “s’up” isn’t exactly like starting a face-to-face conversation. If you’re really interested in having an engaging chat conversation, then it should probably start out with something more substantial. I try to acknowledge, and if someone gives me a compliment, thank them for it, but that doesn’t mean I feel like we’re ‘in a conversation’ unless the other guy is making an effort to keep it going.
If I am not interested I simply say “Thank you”. If I am interested I will start to engage and ask questions..
If someone takes the time to send a smile or say hello and I always respond with at least “Thx man.” At my age, almost 55, I am extremely Flattered when anyone messages me. I do wonder why guys without face pics message me but I always reply back.
My apologies to the normal nice guys who might be happy to receive a “no thanks, not interested” message, but please understand that there are a bunch of douchebags out there who will not accept a polite brush off. They continue to bother me with demands to know “why not”, or turn to insulting me. For this reason, I sometimes ignore messages without responding. I used to always politely respond, but the a-holes of the world mess things up for everyone.
Dude, I have use those polite brush off to someone that I’m not interested like no thank you or your not what I’m looking for and they take that as I’m insulting them too and I get a tone of crazy hate mail and they get the insulting me.
true that! i was the polite guy, but got fed up with some of the guy’s nasty response.
what i find it very strange or ‘rude’ are the lack of actual profiles, either no face or just dick/ass pic. it just seems rather shady after a while, so this is the kind of site i’d think twice before meeting up with a guy for anything…
I make it a point to reply to every message that is not itself rude or otherwise inappropriate. Despite expressing my lack of interest politely, I often receive particularly disagreeable responses as well, but those don’t bother me in the least or discourage me from responding to others in the future. We’re I to cease responding, then I would be the rude asshole, whereas the problem is entirely theirs if they respond poorly to my reply.
If I’m not interested I am not going to reply. I don’t have the time to type out a response that is always followed up with either a snarky remark or questions about why I’m not interested. Other times I might just be busy or looking for a message from a particular person and forget to reply to you or have you on my list of people to get back to. The bottom line is that you shouldn’t take this stuff seriously or take it personal when you don’t get a reply. Everyone is not attracted to everyone.
Another one who thinks his “time” is so fucking valuable. Are you too busy playing Pokéman GO?
If you “don’t have time” to type a few words saying that you’re not interested, then you don’t have time to be on A4A in the first place. Being too lazy to do something does not constitute a lack of time in which to do it.
I dont understand a lot of these comments about being rude not to message back, since when did society dicate i have to reply back on a hookup site? Is my time prescious? Actually yes it is, you feel the need to end your life because i wont bow to the pc culture and reply when im not interested. That speaks bounds about your personality if some random stranger didnt acknowledge your self worth, and it “hurt your feelings” then we were not a match to begin with. Not everyone is or should devote time to appeasing your selfworth, if you want maybe you should make up your own cruising/hookup/dating site and take it upon yourself to remove from your community the people you deem “filth” cause they wont tell you in a nice way to piss off.
Sometimes some men are just rude jerks;
Sometimes life just gets in the way of online cruising, and there-s not much I can do about that. All I can be responsible for is what I do.
1. I respond if/when I can.
2. If it looks like there is just not a common thread (like the man has a very negative, judgmental profile, and nothing in the communication suggests any moderation in his tone), then a simple “I appreciate your interest, but I am just not ‘feeling it’. But happy hunting, all the same.” is just basic courtesy.
3. Bitchiness gets smugly ignored & deleted.
4. I don’t get the boys who cruise & block, nor the dramaqueens who insult & block…that’s just cowardly.
My 2 cents, for what it’s worth…
I consider myself a gentlemen, hence anyone that responds to my profile gets a response from me. This is listed in my profile as well. Approximately 50% of people thank me for the response. 5% ask why. That is annoying.
Personally, I’ve tried being courteous to people by saying, “I’m not interested” only to be bombarded with questions of “Why not” or even being cussed out… I don’t respond and get cussed out… I block a person & they only make another profile to continue the harassment. Even today someone went on their friends profile just to message madness to me because I said I wasn’t interested… Now, I’ve read the sugar coated jargon on here, the reality is people are shady as hell on here & semi crazy if you ask me. Out of 25 messages I might meet 1 person. People get upset when you don’t reply, cool…I don’t live on A4A it’s not my life. Unfortunately, to some this is all they have I guess. I’m not going to waste my time with a lousy low class person. When you get a multitude of messages that say the same thing… It gets redundant. I only respond to the people who message me in an “out of the box” way. Furthermore, It’s creepy when people message me like they already know me and I’m sure it is to others as well. There are several articles on actual Social Media etiquette, very few are aware that there a way to conduct themselves online. Nobody wants to be trolled, in addition, people have been murdered off apps and social media sites so extreme caution plays a huge part in who to respond to… I don’t respond to people who have outlandish preferences, especially those who say white’s & Latinos only or blacks only… Why associate with a person like that? Your vibe/aura introduces you before your message does… All these so called angels on this blog are guilty of doing things similar. What you put in your profile negative or positive may not line up with an individual’s values or what they’re trying to do. I’ve met some great friends off A4A but I’ve also have had someone literally attempt to run my partner and I off the road coming from a bar because I told them I wasn’t interested days before. I’ve had people recognize me from my profile and follow me without permission to my apartment good thing there were multiple units. I don’t think A4A support is capable of handling the mixed crazies on this site. It’s not a bad thing to avoid crazy and there are some nice people on A4A that are not that nice when faced with rejection. So yea you might not get a response from me for a damn good reason.
I agree that some, take replies too serious. I am guilty of taking things the wrong way, but I asked how would I act in person!!! Hum!
Not everyone is a good match, which takes finding out; though everyone is deserving of some courtesy.
“Sometimes??” HA! Try 80% of the time. Since the new generation has taken over and has decided that living in the fantasy world of hookup sites is “real life,” they have lost any notion of social graces. The first poster is SOOO into himself, he can’t be BOTHERED with politeness. Gay men these days suck, let’s face it…the whole post-pandemic bunch isn’t worth having, which is why I avoid them like the plague.
Once you are polite you deserve a response, basic common decency especially if your profile is vague or ambiguous. You get a compliment a blunt thank you will suffice and then move on. But it’s all a game here really and we just have to play along and realise tat some people are rude. If someone doesn’t fit my ideals are suggest they read my profile carefully.That doesn’t hurt anyone, rudeness does.Integrity goes a long way . Loosen up guys… :-))
Dave is correct. There is a delay in the messaging system. I have messages friends that YOU KNOW will answer you and get no reply until the next day. I have even sent them a text when it is happening and they reply they don’t have the message in their inbox. As for the rest of you assholes that think your time is too valuable to have the courtesy to reply to a simple “hello” … Go fuck yourself. Log off if you don’t want to be bothered!!! I can understand if you get the ones that start bugging the shit of you. That is when you say “Thanks, but not interested. Enjoy your day/evening”
I am one of those guys that appreciate being told “Thanks, but no thanks”. Sure, it’s a bit of a letdown, but the amount of respect I get out of the response still preserves my self esteem. For me, it took only a few seconds to initiate the smile/message, and the lack of a reply/respond can be falsely interpreted as a pending situation. The “Thanks, no thanks” allow me to maintain my dignity so I can now refocus on the ones that may be the match I’m looking for.
“Thank you but we’re not a match”. A button of such would save a lot of question marks hanging over our heads. Yes?
Usually i respond with a yes or no, unless im usually busy as hell, have limited time for a round of bullshit messages leading nowhere. I do NOT post dick picks in my profile anymore, too many cockwhores wanting a load with me doing all the fucking work. I just delete and move on if the profile is way out of match.
I personally believe that the annoyance is on both sides..
I do not feel like I have a duty to respond to every person whom messages me.
Who decides these rules?
I can not see myself responding to every person that shows interest in me.
Even if the person is only interested in making friends, why do I have to befriend every person I meet?
Shouldn’t we all just let everyone be themselves, and stop bashing people just because they aren’t like ourselves?
a bit of courtesy is good karma…rejection is hard either giving or getting a ‘no thanks’ reply is not always pleasant. But we are all human and have feelings. The anonymity of online dating shouldn’t give others the right to be mean and nasty from getting rejected. You wouldn’t be so rude in person, so online should not be any different. Bottom line, we all have different tastes in men and we have to accept that a small percentage of guys will be a match. Not every one in a bar is attracted to each other…online is no different. With all the hatred going on these days, we as a community should rise above it…especially with each other…rejection or otherwise.
It is just basic common curiosity. Like previous guys have said. It only takes mere seconds to say “No Thanks or Nor interested. We took the time for you. Don’t we deserve the she even if fir a simple 5 seconds. In a bar and in person is a bit different. A wink or mid don’t deserve a response. But a verbal exchange should.
because everyone is looking for perfect porn models. If you are not thay, dont bother
Why does this topic come up on the blog every 3 months. People don’t respond because they don’t want to and that should be the end….I’ve ignored and been ignored and I move on to the next. When did adults turn into children? I will say this though…why is it I only attract dirty old men? Why is this site not attracting guys in their 30s anymore?
I understand not replying to an incoming message when you aren’t the person initiating conversation…but what is annoying is when a guy STARTS the conversation and then disappears or never responds again. I find that to be incredibly rude.
hahaha, yeah, in the context of this conversation I’d kind of forgotten about that. That happens less to me on a site like A4A, and more on my smartphone-only location based sites (Grindr, scruff, etc). Some guy says “hi,” I say “hi” back, and then nothing. I’m pretty open as to the approach that people take to the question of whether to respond or not when someone has contacted you (personally, I think it’s polite and not that big of a deal to say something like “thanks, not a match,” but I understand if guys have had bad experiences that they may opt just not to respond). But when the INITIATOR of the conversation then immediately drops things, that’s just incredibly annoying!
sometimes i ask why when someone tells me they are not interested because i want to know what is wrong with me? no one replies to me… so if there is something wrong with me, id like to know so i can understand what my place is…
There’s nothing wrong with you! It’s just not a match.
I respond to 90% of the messages I receive. The other 10% is explained here>>>>>>>>>>>If I have certain things on my profile that highlight exactly what I want and don’t want and you disregard that, I won’t reply. For example, I clearly state that I don’t want to see your nudes, your anus, or your dick. Why unlock your pics and message me? Yes, a lot of people are looking for sex here, but can we at least have a decent convo that doesn’t involve sexual innuendos— it’s NOT FUNNY.
Oh, and if someone responds to your smile with “TY” that means THANK YOU and keep it MOVING (8times out of 10), don’t message again. But a more elaborate “Thanks” would mean that one is interested in chatting. We all just need to be more aware and respectful.
There is no exact science on how to handle it perfectly. The way I handle It really depends on what kind of mail they send If they are crude and send a mail with a blunt annoying sexual question, I ignore them. If they continue to act stupid I block them. If they send a mail asking if I am looking and I am not interested I simply tell them, “Nah, Im just checking things out tonight thanks” and leave it at that. If they cant grasp that, and keep sending mails, I just ignore them and they usually stop unless they are crazies, then I block them. If someone compliments my profile or pictures and I am not interested, I just send a smile and leave it at that. I don’t feel that I am being rude if I don’t respond with a “Thank You” because that only opens the door for conversation. This has always worked for me on all of the sites. I think telling a person “I am not interested” or “Not my type” sounds really rude especially if they are asking a simple question or paying a compliment. It reminds me of the morons who have a dozen stipulations in their profiles as if they are something special. We are all adults, and true, its only a hook up site but its all common sense and taking a minute to be tactful goes a long way.
I’m on both ends as well of ignoring people and being ignored when I’m looking for that Mr. right. Whenever I get a message from a certain person, I ignored him base on what he looks like, the sex position, his preference, and the huge age difference which plays a huge role with me. As for me being ignored, whenever I’m trying to talk to a guy that I think is attractive I mostly get ignored by them and all I feel like is that I got the unattractive but that isn’t a option for me at all. I know and I have hope that there are guys out there that I like but It seems like that there aren’t enough out there or on her and I know that I’m not ugly for sure just a bit slim.
This is a common dilemma I feel many of us are faced with as online users. When to reply and when to just simply say “not interested”. I personally try to reply to all messages, even smiles (but there are those exceptions). Like some mentioned in their replies above, some people aren’t just sitting in front of their computers/phones/tablets waiting to reply; In those cases, someone (and I used to be guilty of it) may feel it’s odd to reply to a message that’s 2 weeks old LOL! In any case, regardless I at least acknowledge that a message has been sent as a courtesy. However, no one should feel so entitled that they deserve a response. My best advice is just not to take it so seriously and move on to the next. Who knows, you may have dodged a serious bullet! Just my 2 cents… Be kind and kindness will always be returned, it’s Karma 🙂
This is how I see it (and you’re allowed to disagree if you want).
The short of it is this: It only makes sense to send a message to those who interest you in some way, shape, or form … whether you send the first message or not.
Here’s my rationale using a series of scenarios:
Person A sends a message to Person B.
o If Person B is not interested, he doesn’t respond. If Person B doesn’t respond, then Person A realizes that Person B isn’t interested and moves on. There’s nothing to even think about here; the feeling isn’t mutual.
o If Person B is interested and takes time to respond, that means they’re both interested. This goes without saying … this makes sense. Why would you send a message unless there was some interest and/or there was something you wanted to talk about, right?
And then there’s this last scenario …
o If Person B is not interested and sends a message anyways … that means he went out his way to say no. Consider these:
– Person B KNEW that, before he sent this message, he didn’t want anything to do with Person A (in this scenario, it doesn’t actually matter why Person B doesn’t want anything to do with Person A) … but Person B STILL sent a message to Person A (it doesn’t matter how he sugar coats his no/not interested).
– Despite the amount of time it takes to say no (big or small), you’re still spending extra time to say no. Heck, there’s a good chance Person B wants out of this in a few messages as possible … you know what’s less than a rejection/not interested message? No messages … don’t even lead them on! No one’s going to pat you on the back for actively rejecting someone. No gold stars. No achievements.
–> This is especially true for those meat market messages like “hey baby” or “hey handsome” or “woof” or “hi stud” … or those Craigslist post-style messages … those are pretty terrible in themselves. They usually don’t typically deserve to be acknowledge (warrant responses anyways.
–> People also claim that saying no goes a long way and may be appreciated … but why does that matter if the goal is to never speak to them again. Why do you need confirmation that someone doesn’t want to talk to you … when they can just not talk to you? What are you going to do if they actively reject you vs. passively? Tell your A4A “friends”, “Oooh, talk to that guy. He’ll tell you if he’s not interested in his first message back. What a sweetheart~ <3" Come on now.
– A rejection message (regardless of how sugar coated it is) from Person B invites the thought that maybe Person A hasn't sold himself enough, that there are some objections to overcome. or that they didn't give you a fair chance … which causes Person A to ask why Person B isn't interested. Deep down, it doesn't matter why he isn't interested and it shouldn't be something that's forced … if someone doesn't want to get to know you, it's done … call it a day. Or, if you're feeling extra petty, you can write some obnoxious hate mail and block them before they verbally lay you out. Whatever.
There's no point in leading people on … even if it's from the time they hear that new message noise to when they see the "No, I don't want to know you" message (doesn't matter how sugar coated) or something as seemingly simple as a "thanks"; because even a "Thanks" to an unwanted/unneeded compliment can be misconstrued as some sort of interest.
I'd rather not receive a response at all …
that is extremely long winded.
Please refer to”the short of it”. That’s what it’s there for.
But thank you for your feedback or something.
“(and you’re allowed to disagree if you want).”
How magnanimous of you.
Simple why I sometimes don’t reply:
1) getting a “smile” we are all adults and if you have enough interest to send a smile, you have enough interest to send me a real message….
2) Pics of everything but your face, we’ve all got dicks and assholes that look pretty much a like, but we don’t all have the same faces. Who do you think is going to see you on these sites ? If you think someone is going to see you on here and out you, then they are going to get out’d too….. You might just find out someone you know is gay and make a connection.
3) No pictures at all. No picture, no response. It’s nice to have some idea of who you are chatting with.
4) Guys who don’t read my profile, I can tell by their messages they have no idea what I am looking for or my interests.
There it is , if you fall into any of these spots, you know why no response…
I am blocked routinely simply for looking at profiles. Being almost 50 is like being radioactive.
If you are on this site, you are burning time as it is. A compliment is a compliment and thanking them for it is good manners. Not replying at all because you are not interested doesn’t communicate that disinterest, it may mean you left a browser window open. Telling people you are not interested me but thanks for the compliment is a clear communication. It takes some balls, balls are a good thing.
That said etiquette is optional. If someone IS into you, they will let you know – even if they are an asshole that blocks people they don’t like because they checked out their profile.
Sooooooooooo what if you get ……ummmmm….. a lot of messages…..are you supposed to read and reply to all of them? Just wondering……
I don’t think it’s rude to ignore an unsolicited message. No response is the response. Not interested. Thanks but no thanks. Move on. Don’t take it personal.
Some of you guys take this way too seriously.
I will respond to anyone except the idiots who are “looking for the live of my life” when clearly they have not read my profile which says I’m not looking for that. There are more and more of them all the time. What’s their scam?
Im GLAD when a guy doesnt respond, it tells me to not waste my time with him and move on. I appreciate someone who is honest and doesnt lead me on.
Im so surprised by all the crybabies who think EVERYONE has to stop what they’re doing and entertain you because you think they’re hot.
Also these days when you dont like someone, but youre nice to them, they get pissed when you say “sorry, not a match”. Like you wasted their time.
Also, because YOU like ME, I have to spend the next hour patronizing you and making small talk with you?
Fuck. That.
Everyone doesnt like everyone. the guy doesn’t like you. Get over it and go say hi to the next guy.
People have an equal right to initiate and refuse a response.
Frankly, with the multitude of provocative profiles that comprise a4a, its much more adventurous and healthy to keep it moving than it is to sweat the stress of immobilizing ones-self in worry or wonder over a non-reply. Move on!
If I may be Anne Frank here, I’ll throw my hat in the ring. It used to irk me when I would put in the work to message a few guys, send some smiles to them, and then boom, nothing back at all. I know what league I’m in, and I know who I can and cannot get. I’m a somewhat heavy set fem bottom, and I know that’s not everyone’s type. But getting back to the topic at hand, I usually always respond back to a guy’s message if they’re interested. Though I will admit it’s rather rude when you don’t hear a message back from someone after spending minutes planning on where to meet and who’s gonna do who and that which way and the other.
If I hear something back, cool, if not then it’s whatevs. I’m the type to wait for the guy to initiate to me first before I start the conversation. I’m not waiting by my computer and phone all day hoping Dick Charming will reply back to me in hopes of some sexual , lewd act which may occur. I can go watch a movie, read a book, watch twitch tv and check back in later.
To be honest, Im on both sides of the rebuttal. One side complaining about their time being so precious and another side saying don’t be rude. Let me put it this way: If you were to enter a contest for $10,000 and they contact you the next day saying you won. Would you wait to respond to them few days later to get your money? Let’s be 100 for a second, you would drop everything to get that 10,000. The point that I’m saying is that if its so easy for you to take 10 minutes asking the guy to hook up and asking his sexual role, dick size, and blah blah blah, why is it hard to take 5 sec just to say “No thank you?” And stop with that “my time is valuable” BS. If your time is that damn valuabke, why are you on there 2 to 5 hours a day looking for sex that probably last for 5 minutes? Just like you don’t owe us, we don’t owe you either. It goes both ways. That type of attitude I see are from DL men and stuck up queens. Don’t demand respect and “come correct” when you don’t give it back. At the end of the day, I’m barely on here nor do I take any of the guys serious on here, but I kind of understand where people are coming from with the rude silence. I rather you be honest than immature by not saying anything and not everyone is mean with insults if you say you’re interested…..
Interest topis for a change. I do try to respond to all messages I get…unless it’s that guy i’ve already turned down 6 times or the guy who wanted to molest me when I was 12. When I respond to some men all they can give is a 1 word answer…tells me they’re not interested even though they initiated contact. Some men really need to learn how to interact with others…but maybe that’s why they’re online looking for men?? Oh well it does take all kinds right?
Reading the blog responses says it all. The purported rude being rudely called-out by the I’m not rudes. (rimshot) yuk.
I find it difficult to take this seriously. I have received messages from “cool” to “die” after replying, “I’m not interested.” Sometimes I reply; sometimes I don’t.
The messages I always respond to are the ones where the interest is communicated up-front and clear. These messages are usually sent by older men. No response and *no thanks” simply indicate the guy is not interested or something. I don’t presume the guy is a jerk based upon his response or lack thereof. I happily move on.
why waste the time? why ruminate over something as simple as that? grow up and move on.
I think some people commenting on here cannot possibly understand what is like in a big city (especially a big homo city like SF or NY) and to work three jobs, go to school, and try to have a social life or at least just hookup occasionally. Everyone says “oh it just takes two seconds to respond” . You have to take into account how many beeps and bloops a person can take constantly before you go nuts LOL. Not to mention that most gays find guys who reject them to be the most coveted prize. its a waste of bandwidth on both sides. I never send winks or smiles as that is the most passive aggressive nonsense — same with just “unlocking” for no reason without saying a word. I also know that if I’m not feeling very witty or creative and I send a generic “whats up?” or “Hi” i have no right to get butt hurt at the lack of response.
I have no choice but to not respond to most messages or I would lose my mind. For those of you who live in rural country and get one or two messages a month, I get it, no problem sending polite response to those… but please understand its not possible to respond to every hi, wink or oink unless you are unemployed and spend your entire life on A4A.
Honestly I encourage people to block me immediately if they arent even remotely interested in meeting even as a casual friend let alone for something more serious. Would rather know immediately to not waste my time and not waste someone else’s time.
There are times especially when I’m traveling or during the holidays where it is not even possible to respond to the deluge of messages on some of these sites, even for an average dude. I am old fashioned and courteous enough that if someone writes me an interesting and clever spontaneous message, I will dignify it with response. Just as if I received a hand written letter or am given an impromptu gift. I will give an appropriate and thoughtful response to thoughtful gestures whether I am into the person or not, even they end up being a creep. But responding every hi , wink or oink? hell no and not losing any sleep. people are WAY to sensitive these days.
I admit I don’t always reply, and people don’t always reply to me. I hesitate to write back when I am not interested for one reason or another. Main reason is, even when I have replied and said something like, hey buddy. Thanks for your message, or smile. Hope you are doing good. Appreciate the note, but I am really looking for younger, or older, or you are way too far from me, or I’m just not a match. Even doing that, some guys insist on replying with rude remarks, just a quick hookup, I’m looking for older too but a quick fuck would be great. Didn’t I say I wasn’t interested. That’s why I’d rather not reply at all. I am not offended at all when I email some
One and they don’t reply.
If someone doesn’t reply back to you, it may very well mean they are not interested. If you don’t hear back, get the picture and move on. They may even like you but, I for one actually reads a profile. If I sense an incompatibility, I don’t waste my time responding to those i wouldn’t be interested in. Don’t take it so personally, just move on.
Look. A non reply IS a response, it’s just not the response you wanted.
Exactly.
YES YES YES YES YES!!! I completely agree!!!
What about those who contact you and just say hi. You look at their profile. No pic. No stats no description. Frankly I am afraid of ghosts. Why would I want to respond to someone whose profile is blank? Every other scenario I do my best to respond. It’s the correct AND Nice thing to do.
Again , completely relate to !
A few months back (in my micro location) I was messaged by one of these c**ts with a totally blank profile .. all it consisted of was age , height and weight .
His opening message was ‘hi ! ‘
I responded , all the while holding my tongue , by asking how lucky he gets with a profile like that . And I did it in a polite way .
I got a lecture in return saying how great a guy he was and how he always opens up in that manner , even though he’d only been here for 3 weeks , and how he gets lots of great sex from ‘everyone’ . He accused me of being a miserable old man and promptly blocked me so I couldn’t respond to his diatribe .
Must have been one of these spoiled brat millenials . He’ll probably end up with an STD from all of the fuckers around here who lie about their stats ..
If someone demands a response or doesn’t know how to handle rejection then it’s his problem. That guy that doesn’t answer back gets rejected the same. The only difference is he doesn’t obsess and cry about it. He moves on because he’s an adult.
Can you imagine telling someone “not interested” if he approached you in person? It’d be just as rude. By not replying you’re saving yourself from a ton of drama.
I hate it when guys claim what they’re sending is a compliment. It’s not polite to hit some stranger up with a cliche “hot” or “sexy” or “very handsome.” It’s harassment.
That last part doesn’t even make sense. Its also not polite to not respond, but we all cant get everything we want. You’re on a sex site. There’s flirts and explicit dia Logue being throw. If you can’t get over people complimenting you on a sex site, then you’re on the wrong site then.
Yes, it makes perfect sense. What is considered a compliment to one may not be for another. I can get over a clogged inbox of shallow, pathetic attempts at flattery quite well. I just have zero tolerance for people who go out of their way to harass someone who’s minding his own business just to get pissy because he didn’t “politely” acknowledge their rude virtual cat call.
I used to respond to each message on a different site and it became a headache. It was never-ending.
With so many “polite” and “courteous” users wining about nobody paying attention to them, you’d think they’d have plenty of people to talk to.
For all those who are not aware; this is considered a sex site for many but it also serves as an outlet for other purposes too.
Exactly!!!
I think it should not matter if I respond or not. If your feelings are that sensitive that your offended that someone did not respond to you saying hi maybe Internet chats rooms and sex apps just aren’t for you. Depending on my mood I have ignored such e mails from people. Especially when they do not read my profile, they are outside of what I am looking for and ask for me to make an exception for them. How can you expect an answer when you didn’t even read my profile or ignore what I put on there? Oh my favorite is when I actually do respond and say that I am not interested, now I am being questioned as to why I am not interested. So your not happy if I don’t respond and when I do I have to explain why I am not interested? No now your waisting my time because you think if you can engage me in conversation I will change my mind about hooking up with you because of your stunning personality.
I feel EXACTLY the same way!! I’ve taken the time to tell others what I’m looking for and what I’m not looking for! There are guys who don’t fit what I’m looking for at all and when they read my profile and message me anyway, I politely tell them “sorry, not interested” and they proceed to tell me why they’re different and I should change MY preferences. Not the fact that they don’t respect my choices; no, I’m wrong and I should change. You know… because they’re so damn special! I totally agree with everything you said, Miguel! Thanks for posting.
Some guys’ profiles are too demanding, and some brag more about their personal traits as they seem to be more interested in getting married rather than just a romp in the sack or a chance to see if we are even compatible. I get irritated by those that complain about wanting to go on dates, but do they ever ask another guy out on a date?
But my standard response to those I don’t care to meet up is “Thanks, but I don’t think we’d make a good match.”
They don’t reply because they have no manners.
It’s easy to say “I’m not interested” or “Thank you” for a compliment.
The ones who say “If I don’t respond, it means I’m not interested.” are just narcissistic asses.
Anyone defending NOT responding is showing his worthlessness as a man.
I think we should be human and speak back with a simple hi unless you was raised by wolves. Then if they want to engage in a conversation and I’m not the least bit interested, then I wouldn’t respond back….I often go to the mall or sporting event. If I meet a total stranger in passing and if they speak i will speak back and keep right on moving. When im driving down the highway and a total stranger wave whether it’s a man or woman young or old I wave back. A lot of times while in the mall or to a social event I speak and don’t get a reply. I don’t feel bad at all because I have a good life and a Christian and it’s not a matter of life or death. In closing I think people in general should be nicer, less arrogant and always treat others like you want to be treated.
If I’m on a highway, and a stranger waves to me, I would assue that he/she is in ytrouble
Is it really that big of an issue? I try to reply to everyone. One think I make known is that if you are far away, an empty profile, you get the least of my time. I get a lot of you are hot or nice cock…of which I reply thanks. If I get a repeat offender, I just block them, after I tell them such.
I also get some mean spirited well you looked at my profile…stalker much?! I do reply to those
I used to respond to all messages, but the insults and threats I get from saying “sorry, I’m not interested” became too much.
I try to respond to any message from a profile that has a pic or consists of more than “hi”. I try to say if I’m not interested before the conversation becomes protracted. I don’t usually block anyone unless they seem pathological.
What I find interesting are comments in younger user’s profiles that say “whatever happened to common courtesy” or “can you hold yourself as a gentleman?” I don’t think all is lost, guys.
If a guy doesn’t respond to my clever, witty message I move on even if our profiles indicate a potential match. If he’s not interested now I doubt any amount of salesmanship is going to change that.
Myself, I don’t feel obligated to respond to every “sup” sent my way nor is my spirit crushed when someone chooses to ignore my hello. I get it: they’re not interested. It’s the anonymous internet, men, not a face-to-face meeting. No need to make a teary entry into your diary for every diss (“I sent him a ‘Hey’ and..and…sniff…he just IGNORED me!”). If a no reply sends your self-confidence into a tailspin, this sandbox is not for you.
I only ignore messages from bottoms who are expecting a hookup. Like my profile pic and clear “bottom” preferences clearly say I’m a bottom. Why are you still trying to hookup with me? Is it because you think Im black and therefore assume I’m a top or something? Lol
If I’m feeling nice enough I’ll respond with a simple, “I’m sorry, I dont think we are a match but we can still talk”
For the most part I’ll respond though. Even if I’m not attracted to you, I still value conversation.
the notion that it takes too much of your “precious” time to engage in common courtesy just illustrates what kind of person you are. Its another thing to ignore if the person persists (then or days later).
I have never had anybody argue with me if I send a ‘thanks but not a good match for me, thanks for the interest’ in 15+ years of using the various hook up sites. So not sending a message for fear of that is pretty silly too.
And yes, A4A it would be nice to have a canned message button. Perhaps you can even tie it into dimming any future messages from that person after it is used.
My profile is quite detailed with exact specifics I’m interested in and specifics I refuse to participate in. I’ve listed the types of guys I’ll entertain and plainly stated that if one is not of that description, “don’t waste your time or mine.” When guys who don’t even resemble what I’m looking for message me, they are ignored. A compliment gets a thank you, but that does NOT entitle you to my time after that. I treat others the way I want to be treated, meaning: I don’t expect a reply from everyone I speak to. I’m a grown man. Anyone who doesn’t understand that this world is not always kind, and isn’t all puppies and lollipops and bubbles, is on the wrong site. I believe that clearly defined expectations and informing oneself of others’ expectations is a necessity to operating with any hope of normalcy on this site.
The majority of gay men on gay social media sites/apps don’t know how to hold a conversation anyway so I don’t understand why people are getting upset because no one will respond to them. Maybe it’s more because you’re boring instead of me not having “the common courtesy” to reply. F*** your reply. There’s no law requiring someone to respond so if you don’t get a reply so move on.
Personally, I’ve tried responding to every message in the past and that got me nothing but aggravated and bored and resulted in blocking others. Now, I only reply to guys that: have a face pic (What? Have a pic on Grindr or Jack’d? That’s weird), have all the stats filled in, and have something filled out on their profile that makes me want to hold a conversation with them. And the majority of you that are complaining about not getting a response don’t even have face pics. And for those of you that are using the “Well, if I came up and spoke to you in a club…” excuse, get with the program. You wouldn’t go to a club with a brown paper bag over your face and expect someone to speak to you so don’t send a message without either having a face pic or sending a face pic first. Even then, if the guy isn’t interested, he just isn’t interested. Sending yet another message griping “You could’ve at least responded” will only result in that one getting ignored to. You entitled ones can go f*** yourselves. That’s what you do when your messages are ignored, anyway.
Not everyone wants to talk to everyone. The anonymity allows for such behavior and I personally don’t see anything wrong with that. Just accept it and move on, these people aren’t your friends to begin with. To be expecting a reply can also be viewed as feeling like you have some sort of an entitlement that you need to be noticed and responded back. That’s not a good quality either. It is a nice courtesy, sure, but if you don’t get it, why waste more time and energy being negative about it?
I state the type and what I’m looking for in my profile. When someone messages me, and doesn’t fit what i’m looking for….I ignore, or if in a mood, reply with a snide remark. If they are going to be disrespectful and message me….then why do I owe them a response?
This is easy, some are assholes, it is like buying a car and you are not the car they want so your feelings do not matter. The other group just hates conflict and rejecting someone so they just do not respond period.
Also another thing that confuses me is that if you’re not interested, why do you proceed to keep viewing my page after you decided to not respond? Nothing changed on my page from what you first saw it so why keep viewing my page that you weren’t interested in??? Can the one whose “time is valuable ” answer that?
I find the reading profiles on adam to be a waste of time. If adam4adam would force everyone to update their profile ever so often, then I would care about reading profiles. There have been numerous times when I have pointed out something on profiles, and guy does not even know what he had or forgot about it. So guess what I have in my profile? Nothing other than pictures. Who ever I’m interested in I message and unlock, if they don’t reply and some other day I see the same profile with my picture unlocked I block them. Keeps me from annoying any one. There are no hard feelings.The only thing that gets to me is those guys who have 5+ lines on their profiles saying everything they want need, and very clear “no drama ” those are the ones that cause all three drama. So let’s not go to having class on adam, if I get lucky to have a person reply with 3 or more complete words, damn he is a keeper… It’s sad how communication skills have gone out the door…
I am from the old school and it is just down right rude and immature to just say nothing. It really the guy out there as to how you feel. I think a not interested button would be good.
Yesss easy solution:)
I find the reading profiles on adam to be a waste of time. If adam4adam would force everyone to update their profile ever so often, then I would care about reading profiles. There have been numerous times when I have pointed out something on profiles, and guy does not even know what he had or forgot about it. So guess what I have in my profile? Nothing other than pictures. Who ever I’m interested in I message and unlock, if they don’t reply and some other day I see the same profile with my picture unlocked I block them. Keeps me from annoying any one. There are no hard feelings.The only thing that gets to me is those guys who have 5+ lines on their profiles saying everything they want need, and very clear “no drama ” those are the ones that cause all the drama. So let’s not go to having class on adam, if I get lucky to have a person reply with 3 or more complete words, damn he is a keeper… It’s sad how communication skills have gone out the door…
It would be because they look at height, weight, age, dick size, if you smoke, if you top or bottom or vers…..if you are over a the age, weight they prefer they won’t even reply. I have noticed even though a profile says looking for friends, they base a friendship on the same things…..age, weight, dick size, smoke, top, bottom, vers….
It’s sad that so many in the gay community base a friendship on age, weight, and pretentious things like that……
I get what everyone is saying. But aren’t we all on line to either shop or look? I don’t get the ‘entitlement’ thing. What should someone assume? ‘Oh, he’s too special, let me wait until he contacts me’. If everyone did that, then no one would ever connect on line. SOMEONE has to make the first move. I’m on the side of common courtesy when someone reaches out. Would you be rude to someone’s face? Or would you be civilised? I don’t think that the anonymity of the Internet is an excuse to abandon basic consideration for others.
I make it a habit to respond ro everyone who messages me cause I hate when I get ignored. I even have it posted on my profile that if I message somoene and they are not interested to just let me know. It’s common courtesy.
I used to try to be the nicest guy on the interwebs and respond to everyone. But, it’s exhausting. Especially when 95% of the contacts have zero pics and usually no face pic. What’s the f’n point? Do they contact the other pictureless profiles? No. I have full face, body, and x-pics in my profile. It’s ridiculous in 2016 that there are profiles on Adam that have nothing to even jump start your imagination. On that same boat I’d say 90% of the guys I message don’t respond, so it’s a two way street. Peace out bitch! Side note: I have in my profile, “no pics no response.” Guys must go back and read it because I’ve zero arguments with anyone on Adam.
Sometimes, once in a blue moon, someone will have something extremely stupid in their profile like “no one over 40” and contact me, the over 40 year old. What you forgot your age rule all of a sudden? So yeah. Ignored.
What goes around, comes around. For those who think they need not be polite. If you think you’re all that. Trust me, you’ll age.
Guilty as charged.
In defense of my guilty plea, I say, have a picture of yourself, and some information on your profile, i hate blank profile, In this age of technology, how could you not have at least a body picture.
But seriously, if you are the first to message me, then at the very least try to have a decent conversation, and reply with more than 1 or 2 words. When you give me one word answers i tend to think you are not interested even though you were the one who initiated the conversation. And that gets me pissed off. I never send smiles (as a conversation starter), and i never send one word greetings, like “Hi/Hello/Hey” It is always accompanied with a “Good day/night/evening, how are you doing?” How hard is it to type something like that????? Seriously! How hard?????
As someone who replies to any message, I can tell that many guys here in the comments were never taught proper manners and etiquette.
a “no thanks” button isn’t really needed . id probably rather not know if someone doesn’t want me . also, i wouldn’t like saying that to guys because i like to be friendly and kind . i just block those who are too perisistent . it does seem there needs to be some reminder posted : NO ANSWER IS YOUR ANSWER !
I like to be treated kindly and I also like to treat people with dignity and respect regardless of being each other’s type or not. I usually respond regardless! But I’ve also learned from bad experiences not to respond sometimes because so many times in the past the conversations went south or people turned them into long drowned out pointless conversations wasting my time, I responded because I didn’t want to be rude or hurt their feelings. I’m especially more compassionate if I sense the person engaging me is depressed or not feeling good about themselves and I try to cheer them up.
Don’t get me started on scammers, criminals, thugs, distant lovers, and pic collectors(for other sites in other countries, YES, they do that)! Ultimately and simply put, it’s rude not to respond or respond in a mean spirited, jaded, cynical way because you lack a soul and trying to rub your dysfunctionalities on us now! It really is better just to say something like, thanks but not looking, or, thanks but I don’t think we’re a match. And if they still respond and persist, then just block or ignore because you did your best to be kind and nice.
I completely ignore long distance messages because many many many of them are freeloaders looking to scam you or simply move or travel to your city and looking for a FREE place to crash!! Believe you me, they had the balls to ask!
The other topic I wanna talk about which indirectly relates to this blog’s topic is: Considering that 90% of the population of this planet is either average looking or below average and only 10% are really good looking and only 1% of that 10% has symmetrical faces & exceptionally good looking, we can then conclude that many many many gays are delusional about rating themselves on a scale of 1 to 10! Most delusional gays rate themselves very high simply because their Moms pinched their cheeks and told them how cute they are, therefore, they equated that with everyone in the world thinking they are cute, so as a consequence of Delusions of Grandeur, they feel that they’re better looking than you or me, therefore, we average or below average people(mind you from the perspective of another average looking person who doesn’t know how average they are!) don’t deserve a response!!
No response IS a response
What I find most hilarious are the guys who don’t want to bother spending their time saying “Thanks for your interest but don’t think we”re a match” as if they are fielding hundreds of requests by the hour for their valuable time. If your that desirable you probably have only to walk to the corner to be besieged by your adoring public so why are you wasting your time online?
Conversely, the ones who do not understand that “No.” is a complete sentence and continue to attempt make contact when the person has made their disinterest abundantly clear.
Why is courtesy a dirty word, it would be a better world if we all had a bit more of it.
An idea: put a percentage rating on each profile of how many times the user responds to initial messages, kinda like airlines put on their flight routes.
“This flight is on-time 70% of the time.”
“This user responds to initial messages 50% of the time.”
People can see the ratings and decide for themselves if it’s worth trying to initiate contact.
I’ve requested a couple times to have a way to to tell those persons you have contacted and even a way to eliminate the the viewing of the profile in the future. That way you don’t piss the person off and may even avoid the ridicule that some feel they are entitled to impart on others. A simple way to avoid all this is all I ask.
Block the user and, in your preferences, select the option that turns off pictures (in the index page) of users you’ve blocked. You’ll see a big X where the pic would be.
I think it has to do with this hard culture were in. So many gays still want to be perceived as straight so they feel if they ignore you and finally reply when they want something that’ll make you want them more. This accepted heteronormativity in gay community is quite sad. I hate seeing profiles like “only into str8 acting”… You are not straight acting if you are gay, you are gay. I personally don’t care if a dude doesn’t message me back on a4a, Grindr, Jack’d, Hornet. I live in Cleveland and most of the gays have the exact same profile on all of those sites/apps so it’s a 1 in a 1,000,000 chance I’ll come across someone new. I use Grindr more than anything because I’ve had more luck in hooking up on there. I am Black and I know most Black gays use Jack’d and I hate the anger that I see from so many Black gays on there. Most of the profiles always include something like “no fems, no fats” or “only real niggas”. I’m not fat or fem and consider myself a good spirited person so when I send someone a message on there, I always get, you’re cute but not my type. That’s because a lot of gays are so superficial regardless of race, they claim they want someone real but when they get that, they ignore it or take it as you being thirsty
I honestly feel like there should be an “uninterested button”. For those who feel that is such a waste of time to show decency but saying so, but yet you can read & check the message…
But that button would be o’so useful for all apps. It’s either that or block. At least there’s no confusion that way. You tell them they get it, they note it down & move on.
You ignore it… Later on they either
A) message you again
B) block you because you were interested but just busy at that moment
C)cuss you out for filth
It’s just annoying to me when you have to continuously run into someone you’re not even interested in. I wish unlimited blocking was to the public… I wouldn’t have an issue then. Haha
Here’s my reason for not always replying–I have already replied”hello” before, and the person who messaged me called me an ugly faggot! Sorry, I don’t play games. Here’s a hint–An A4A message is the equivalent of an unsolicited call to my phone. I can screen those, and it’s actually good etiquette to do so. So I’m screening my calls.
I doubt we’ll solve this with a button. It’s just how men are. If they aren’t interested they don’t feel the need to explain why; they simply block you or ignore you. If you ignore the person messaging you, you’re a dick and superficial and bitch and entitled and typical. If you take a moment to say hello the other person interprets that as “I’m interested” and when you are not you’re a dick and superficial and a bitch and entitled and typical. I was at work and got a message but I’m a manager and don’t have time at work to answer an a4a message. When I got off work the person had cussed me out, called me names and told me I was a superficial bitch. There are heaps of reasons why someone can’t respond immediately. Some of us have lives and jobs or we just aren’t interested. Some people just aren’t interested in us.
It’s a blow to the ego, but it’s not anyone’s obligation to make you feel good about yourself. And sorry but not everyone is going to like you or be attracted to you, for any number of reasons. I’m poz. I took my status off my profile once to see what would happen and got a torrential downpour of messages. A lot of them were from guys who had previously ignored me; they didn’t even remember my profile at all even though nothing about it had changed except my status. I did the same thing with my age with the same results and I’m only 39!
Men are dicks, plain and simple. We mature and hopefully get over ourselves in time but if you’re waiting around for guys to change (ESPECIALLY gay guys) you’ll have wasted your entire life being miserable. Only you know your own worth so don’t rely on responses from a hook up website to give you some kind of value.
Guys you think are hot WILL ignore you. So what? Get over it.
A4A is a hook up site. No reply means, not interested. Why is this so emotional?
It’s pretty simple. User sends message. I see message, and am not interested. I more than likely ignore message. User goes away or flips out or try insulting me. I agree, a mere few seconds could prevent all that. But if I message back, it’s seen as a minute chance user has to hook up with me. So then they try asking in different ways or they nag you.
I think the person that feels the need to block someone is arrogant and rude. But after being harassed by user I now have to block him.
A simple thanks but I am not interested would be nice… a button like that would be AWESOME!!!
Another thing, why is it the “no picture” freaks the one’s who who upset when you don’t message them back?
Call me arrogant if you must, but if you’re too afraid of having a face pic out there then chances are we were never a match to begin with.
I’ll also ignore you if:
-You have an angry profile. Like these kind of guys have all sorts of anger pent up in them, do they think it’s attractive?
-Lock all your pics but ask me to unlock mine first. I have a face pic as my profile picture at least. If you have the audacity to ask me to unlock but you haven’t, that’s suspect to me.
-If you’re a bottom and you’re looking for more than friends/conversation. My profile clearly says I’m a bottom, if you couldn’t be bothered to read it then I’m not interested. We can talk maybe even be friends but it ends there.
-Your profile says, “only into white guys” and you still message me. Sorry, not gonna be your experiment .
-Your profile mentions, “DL”. DL guys are a total turn off to me. I like my men comfortable with their sexuality
-Your profile mentions, “married”. Do I even have to explain this? Gross. >_>
-Your profile says mentions you use drugs. No druggies for me.
-Your profile mentions anything about being generou$
-If you’re like more than 50 miles away. You’d have to be my perfect type to convince me to travel that far to see you. Like, husband material.
-Your profile mentions nothing at all. What am I supposed to go off?
I find that once you reply back, that opens up the door for more messages from that person. So in order to avoid all those unwanted further messages, simply ignore the first one. That’s how I see it. Unless, of course, you actually want to converse with them.
This is a Dating site……and misconstrued for only Hooking up, BUT IT IS WHAT YOU SEEK GENUINELY ………and the other thing is……those who cant reply ….why are you here?…….are you that arrogant and that much of a shit to not say hello back…….or JUST SAY not interested….and it isn’t that much HARDER to say either……its called manners you bitchy fucking queens that don’t think so……you are the same assholes in the clubs and out in public that I wouldn’t waste time on, esp if you come off arrogant and rude……so you all that think this doesn’t apply……Trust me it does….and trust me I know why you are here……cuz NO ONE ELSE CAN STAND YOU OR WANTS YOU IN REAL LIFE OR OTHERWISE….. THATS WHAT YOUR ARROGANCE AND RUDENESS GETS YOU….
From my experience I have replied I wasn’t interested politely and it’s pretty clear to tell what someone is looking for. It’s really dumb when people say “not everyone is looking for sex” and those same people have pics of their hole or dick as theirnpnly profile pics. You don’t gonlook for friends without having some sort of picture of who you are, that’s also what private pics are for if you’re not looking to screw. But even if you answer politely people seem to get offended and then turn into an asshole, somignoring peolle is the easiest thing to do to not have to deal with people.
If I see a guy that I think is HIV negative sweet and seems like an honest great catch, I don’t reply or might drive the conversations into the ground so he is not offended, and he takes the high road thinking “he deserves better”. If the same sweet guy who looks like an awesome catch and a gentleman conveniently leaves his HIV status undisclosed, especially after filling out everything else, I would take him more seriously as I ideally want someone who is HIV poz but not necessarily telling the whole world. If the guy is overly sexual, obscene, graphic, or rude in his profile (images and text included) there is no way I can expect him to react rationally to the news that I might be poz, and might be getting myself more trouble than it’s worth. I am really at a loss on how to do this dating thing since my diagnosis, and have been walking on egg shells ever since, and have been keeping my distance, just going to take things slow, which we know is hard with a site like adam4adam where the majority move so fast. Your profile is your resume, weather or not you like it, many take the information, or lack thereof on your page seriously. It’s not always what you think, not arrogance, some are fearful, or have already assessed your personality and already come to conclusions of what having the talk with you might end up being like, or even if they are neg already have an idea where you’re going after a weak hello. I don’t do typos whatsoever, when it comes to guys profiles, and less is more. If a guy shows lack of openness in his profile with all the many many reasons for being “discrete” as they say, I automatically assume he has something to hide and I am not even the least bit curious to find out what it is. It also all depends on the approach, not all faceless or “private pics” only profiles are hiding a secret, some guys who are hot as hell, and get hit up a lot, rather draw attention from guys they like instead and will unlock only after initiating a conversation with a guy they like, and seldom is it nudes, almost always a cutie pie. People are complex and there is no 1 size fits all answer. They take the initiative and unlock first, but never get all that spam from drooling men because their profile images are on lock down. If I cannot justify 20 bucks and a movie on a guy who might be HIV poz, then I usually don’t respond. For the hot ones that are clearly showing their assets, I would respond but let the conversation drop to the bottom of their inbox where it gets lost in between all the spam they get from other guys, especially if he says HIV negative and after my deep evaluation of character based on how he presents himself online. I guess that’s why I have been alone since my diagnosis just under a year ago, I profile even harder now. I cannot afford to be in the presence of any guy who displays any level of irritability or instability, and for those neg gentlemen, I just wish them well and allow our chats to get lost in all the noise. As we know, it’s jarring.
I think many people on these sites are too damned picky. Especially young guys who don’t want to hear from anyone over 30. They’re just showing their immaturity and who wants to teach a kid how to fuck anyway?
I think this blogger is being way too sensitive. If I’m not interested in someone, I’m not gonna be mean. But at the same time, I’m probably just not gonna respond. It’s totally ridiculous to think people are being rude by not rejecting you in a “nice” way. When people don’t respond to me, I figure I’m not their type and move on. Don’t be so sensitive. people.
Alot of guys claim they are looking for “friendship.” When I make a friendship, it starts with a hello. If some of the douche bags on here are so high and mighty and “don’t owe anyone a response,” then don’t say you are interested in friendships. Sometimes a hello is just a hello. These guys make it seem like they get messaged 50 times a minute and are so inconvenienced if someone does not match the required qualifications they have. It’s pathetic. Definitely ugly side of gay men.
When I got a message from a person whom I feel by their profile or their pics is not my cup of tea, I just ignore and if they get persistent I have no qualms in utilizing the block button. Done.
I did get a message back from one guy that said I was too old for him. I’m only 60 but I’m really a hot sex man. At least he responded. I always respond back to messages.
I have never taken it too personally if someone didn’t respond …figure their not interested. If we need a button it’s a “42o OK button”
Well, first off many guy just leave their computer or cell logged on to this site, or others, and haven’t even bothered to check it, possibly they can’t where there at, like at work, or with family, etc. Also As I am an older guy, many know I’m not there age group that their looking for and just choose to ignore it. I have gotten replies, like No Way, Too Old, I don’t fuck my grandpa, etc. I think most of the time though they don’t even have the courtesy to just simply reply, a simple No Thanks.
I think the real problem here is how our society and our social group (gays) have taken this privilege and run with it. It’s simple to decline we have that right to do so, saying “no thnx” is easy but we find ourselves too good or too lazy to do so. I am guilty of it as much as anyone else. At the end of the day it’s a simple matter of have we as a society become so desensitized to the feelings or concerns of others that a mere minute in the 525,600 we enjoy each year is a pain to give up? It wasn’t long ago when we weren’t even allowed to go outside without fear of ridicule and violence and now we can’t even stay in without the same fear. It is true that there r people who take this privilege and abuse it as well. If I were to say “I’m not interested” that is my right to do so, it doesn’t call for a “fuck u fag” or a “it’s fine ur ugly anyway” that we as MEN feel so entitled to. It’s not the site that is the problem it’s the people (society) using it… we r lucky that those before us faught for our right to live peacefully, and in return we use our freedom to fight amongst ourselves and build up walls of prejudice and hate in our own community… honestly we should b ashamed… all of us (even myself)
Seems like this subject was covered a few months ago. My response was: If you respond back with a polite “no thank you”, then you get a nasty message in return. It is best not to say anything at all. If you are not interested and they keep contacting you, then block them. I find a lot of people don’t read my profile or they simply respond just to be annoying, knowing good and well that I would not be interested in them.
Tough situation here. It does suck when you don’t get a response and if you see he’s seen your profile and you don’t get a response, it’s likely because he’s not interested. Should he say he’s not interested? IF he can be nice about and doesn’t feel the recipient will argue with him — perhaps…. I’d be in favor of a couple icons — 1)I’m interested but will get back to you soon 2)I’m sorry but I don’t think we mesh together, have a nice day.
I reply to all messages sent to me. I have met some nice guys even though we may not be a match. My problem is that sometimes I can’t give an immediate response back. Some guys don’t understand that I have other things I have to do in life. I work a full time job, I might be socializing with friends and family, I might even be having sex and can’t get back to someone right away. I can’t be at a guys beck and call like that. That’s not the way I live my life. If a guy doesn’t respond to my message I just automatically assume he is not interested and move on.
Wow. Quite a spectrum of comments. I often send messages or smiles that often go unanswered–or unread. Sometimes I don’t see the point of Adam 4 Adam for either dating or hook-ups: Why bother if no one is going to respond?
“Unsolicited messages”?
Wait…
What?
Bless your hearts. Where in the Sam Hill do you precious princesses think you are?
If you are so cold and callous that you can’t spare a moment of your oh, so valuable time to be kind and considerate, then here’s a word or three for you: Get over yourselves.
Hello tomorrow, If you don’t like getting “unsolicited messages, there’s a very simple solution: delete your account, and just “move on”.
I don’t use the app because it sucks. I only use desktop/mobile web. Once again, it’s NOT FUCKING NORMAL, so stop trying to make it my fault. Your support is utterly worthless, they still have not contacted me, so either you lied and didn’t forward my problem to them , or more likely they simply do not give a shit.
Yes thank you, we know that our app sucks. But wait for the new one coming, you will cry 🙂
Dave, if your app sucks so much — and it has for YEARS, let’s be honest — then why is it your tech people are just getting to it now?
they are not getting to it NOW, it’s more complicated than just designing. Keep in mind that a4a app is not a regular app, which would cost 100k to redo, it is linked to a website, so both have to work together, and the site is x rated while the app has to be g rated. So we are recoding everything, all the back end, development and all. It’s also very expensive to redo everything.
You know, you don’t have to release the app within the Apple and Android stores, right? Amazon has their own app that you download from their site, it integrates seamlessly with the website and there are no issues. If A4A were to do something similar, then you wouldn’t have to keep all this “the app has to be ‘G’ and the site is still sometimes ‘X'”. You’d probably get a ton of guys downloading that!
We are on amazon already!
I’ve always a bit shy, afraid of rejection. So for me, if I say hi to someone online, its my way to do it without fear of that face to face rejection.
I respect someone that can take the time to say thanks, but no thanks. But its not necessary.
My pet peeves are:
1. When someone blocks me for saying hi
2. They think they’re being polite by responding…with one word answers. You’re just wasting both our time.
3. When someone lists all the reasons they’re not attracted to me.
on the flipside, I don’t respond to someone I’m not interested. I’m a nice guy, I sugar coat things, I try not to be mean/rude to anyone. But with the simplest of “no thanks” I’ve had guys get offended and go off on me. Not worth it.
I got a message from a guy i dont like, I usually just delete it but I decided to be a nice guy and replied “Hi not a match here, sorry”
his response: “Why the fuck you reply then?”
Im seething right now. People are SO rude.
So you know what? F- everyone, if I respond then I get yelled at. F-that.
Agree, Bill. He was asshole, and obviously your instinct was correct
‘No match’ and for those that do meet up w him, likely
(I say) not going to be a fun guy for repeats! Hope you have better luck.
I tend to try to answer simple non abrasive ‘hello’s’ with a hello back, sometimes a no thanks. Often I check their profile first. Sometimes, if I find annoying ‘no bears or anyone >30’ I simply delete. Rarely, if a rude/persisting situation, I block. But hey, I have several friends on here for chat both erotic and not, and we haven’t actually met or hooked up. In some cases, that is ‘hooked up…yet’. We do join and log in here to ‘meet new people’. So not acknowledging a friendly
Hello or a smiley is sort of counter productive.
My pet peeve is a sole dick pic. All I can assume is that he is…a total dick
I think it’s because many lack communication skills. The first line should say more than merely hi if you want a reply. I often reply thanking them even if I’m not interested. Someone who I make the first move on either lied in what they wrote. I even had some lie saying A4A post stuff they didn’t write…LIES… LOL. Sometimes you post friends only but that’s a lie too. If you have to lie or play games to meet someone quit wasting both of your time. Also always be nice even if their not your cup of tea… we’ve all been there including you. PEACE.
I find it extremely arrogant for someone to reply not Interested when someone simply said hello. They assume more than what hello means. That’s really arrogant and dudes should get over themselves. Hello means hello, a proposal is something different. Hello is NOT a proposal of anything.
I find it extremely arrogant for someone to reply not Interested when someone simply said hello. They assume more than what hello means. That’s really arrogant and dudes should get over themselves. Hello means hello, a proposal is something different. Hello is NOT a proposal of anything.
1) if you’re upset about somebody not responding to you, then you need to get a life. 2) just because *you* think it’s courtesy to respond to somebody you’re not interested in, doesn’t mean other people think the same way. i have tried politely declining an invitation just to get verbally assaulted. now i ignore people who i’m not interested in–it was because of several bad experiences saying no. 3) personally, if somebody isn’t interested in my if I say hi, i would prefer they simply ignore me. if they send an e-mail saying “not interested” then that’s a blow to my ego i don’t need–if they don’t respond then i can come up with all kinds of reasons they aren’t responding. i’d rather not know somebody thinks i’m not worthy of their time