Love : Gay Men And Love
(Photo : Sean Cody)
Finding a fuckbuddy, a hookup, making friends are all easier than finding love. Am I right?
To find love, not only you need to be attracted to the person physically, but also mentally and sometimes even spiritually!
In the gay world, I feel it is even harder than in the straight world, depending on what you’re looking for in a relationship of course. But if you are looking for one love, in a committed 1/1 relationship, finding love can be difficult. Some of you found love on Adam4Adam and that always makes me smile when I receive an email from one of you, it makes me very happy and I’m proud that our work has helped you connecting with others.
I’ve been single for more than 5 years now, I’m ready for love now. I believe I will find love again. Maybe not in the city where I live, maybe on the other side of the planet who knows, but I believe there is someone out there looking for the same thing.
What about you? Do you believe in love? Do you think you will find YOUR man? Have you found him yet? If you did and would like to share it on the blog, feel free to contact us at blog @adam4adam.com or send us a private message on Facebook and we’ll share your story to inspire others.
Ok. Love can be so many things. I personally met a guy recently on a4a in my city. Hooked up and it was the first time in my long life that a man actually made love to me.
The experience threw me for a loop. Wow!! So much incredible passion! We have been together 5 times in the last month, the last time was two nights ago. After amazing sex, He slept all night with his arms around me and a grin on his face. I am so thankful for that experience because meeting him has opened me up to love again. I had come to think that I would never have that experience in my life. Being 65 years old kind of limits a guy’s chances, even though I look 20 years younger than that.
When we talk about love, that doesn’t necessarily mean that a long term commitment is inevitable. I know that I will always be this guy’s lover, in my heart. It’s that kind of a feeling but what is even more important to me is that I finally found a man who is passionate and giving of himself in all respects. Most gay men that I have met, particularly on a hook up site but also elsewhere, are basically either into busting their nut and leaving, or wanting to get married. Both of those experiences are fine. Generally the first doesn’t involve love, the second hopefully does.
Another great thing about my experience is that I have come to realize that one can’t experience love with another unless they also love themselves. In my experience, when we love someone, that love we are feeling is inside of us. That emotion is then expressed in actions of one kind or another towards the recipient and they, in turn, respond in kind, if they are also feeling you. You aren’t directly feeling their love but your own, actually. Once I realized that, it is becoming easier to love myself as well. That’s pretty awesome!
Loving this guy has helped me to love myself as a human being. Someone who has the capability to love another, which is amazing in itself!
We all hold back. We all shield ourselves from others. There is much distrust in the world, particularly in the gay community it seems. Life and love are all about taking chances, putting yourself out there and sharing the love inside of yourself. If we can all do that, what a much nicer place this would be. 🙂
LOVE ! Yes love is the one feeling we can all agree is uplifting and nerve racking it’s like the more time changes they way humans live, we approach all things very differently. The turn of the century love is no longer the poetic Shakespeare romance that we once had. and some of us like myself wish we can go back to the time where loved ruled the minds of the people of the olden days. Now in days we have Internet and the global web has made meeting people easy and seeking connection with others was not much of a hastle. however it has made the old romance a thing of the past. In the social media apps that we have and websites for people to date and or make new friends , the connections we make are endless, while many seeks love it has become easier for people to find a casual hookup such as a “fuck buddy” or first time encounters. I suspect it is because it is less consequential or lacks responsibility or commitment, not many are capable of releasing them selves of their cage and leave to the side the fear of shame, rejection, or to be criticized and several other motives people tell their selves. These become the distinctive chaotic qualities many tend to gain, this is an unspoken truth, we all see, feel and know it, it’s like gravity the unseen force that rules over us in this world, so we ground our selves to these believes or forms of thought, that really just keep us from discovering and embarking in an adventure of a lifetime. Yes we take a risk a leap of faith for something better, life is about chance and we must take risks to truly appreciate the wonderful and harsh lessons life tries to teach us. Remember we are not determined by what happens to us but how we react to what happens to us. Be the Man U want to attract. And keep an open heart and love will find its way and above all love your self to be able to love another.
“Gay men and love?” Pffffft…BWAHAHAHAHA! Yeah, right, THAT doesn’t work excep tin rare case. Bi men and love? Yeah, I’ll buy that, not the gay boys…at least not for more than 6 months!
I believe in love but being single for the last 14 years I have come to realize it’s just not going to happen. I’m 60, heavy set and those are just not qualities that get the men running my way. I miss having someone to love.
Being single is a norm we should just get used to.
Theres so many extra factors that come into play with M4M dating that straights or Bisexuals never really have to deal with. For example:
-Population and then finding someone whos mutually attracted to you within such a small fraction of the world
-Sexual compatibility. We like to think sexual interests wont come into play but that is a lie.
-Our (mostly) superficial interest in personality disposition. Aka masc or fem.
-Having to find love in a population where casual sex is verrrrrrry easy to find compared to M4F dynamics.
-The situtation of who is out and honest who is closeted. Even with me, I will not date anyone closeted. I know that shuts down a lot of men, but I refuse to be the “roommate” or “best friend”.
So many unique things that I realize make for a less enjoyable dating climate.
You just about nailed it, but my experience shows that “out” gay males live and die alone; bi men who aren’t in the scene, once they find something good, are more apt to stick with that one rather that screw around with the effluvium out there these days. My mom told me when I was 21 about the gay life…”It’s a lonely, rough life.” She oughta have known…she used to hang out with the gay cxrowd in LA in the 1930s.
I think I found the “one”. Hoping to meet him this week and get to know him in person.
Good! Happy for you! xoxo
This post itself explains why love is so difficult to find in the second sentence. The emphasis on love in the gay male community seems to be overly focused on sexual compatibility. However, that focus on sexual compatibility may very well be what’s killing “love” in the gay community!
That attraction passes…quickly. Unfortunately, too many men go out looking first for who they want to fuck. And if you don’t want to fuck ’em, you probably don’t want to do anything else with ’em, right? Why bother meeting someone if you wouldn’t want to fuck ’em?
The people that I’ve fallen in love with were not people to whom I was initially sexually attracted. The attraction developed over time. It’s almost the difference between The Little Mermaid and Beauty and the Beast (yay Disney references). In The Little Mermaid, Ariel falls in love with some guy just ’cause he’s pretty. In Beauty and the Beast, Belle had to look past the physical appearance to find someone she loved.
Gay men seem to believe that their cock will lead them to their love. No…it’ll lead you to your lust (which for most will turn out to be empty and unsatisfying).
Love also requires gay men to be something else that they are not inherently: vulnerable.
Hookups are easy because you don’t have to expose anything more than your lusts. And hey…odds are you already scripted out your entire sexual encounter before you even met, so there is NO risk of having to be vulnerable. It may seem wild and unbridled, but in reality it is a very controlled situation.
Real love comes about when you’ve exposed your weaknesses to someone and they like you anyway. It comes when you can reveal that you’re not perfect or that you’re afraid and still be respected by the other person. It comes about from shared experiences, values, interests, ideals, and aspirations. Love is the willingness to sacrifice for someone else without it feeling like a burden, but rather a privilege.
Love is about wanting to grow old with someone. It’s about wanting to share a home. It is wanting to build something together and for each other.
Watching my grandparents age, I once told a friend of mine that “love is being willing to help your husband change is adult diaper when he’s old, incontinent, and cannot do it for itself.”
But what love is not is lust.
Lust is what you find advertised online. It is carnal desire focused almost exclusively on physical appearance and self-gratification (even for those sub-btms who find gratification on “servicing” others). Lust is desire; it is a desire that can never be fully satisfied, which is why so many hookups happen and never lead anywhere. It is why gay men have so much sex, so little self-esteem, and precious little love.
And until gay men begin to understand what love is and the difference between love and lust, they will always be searching and forever lost.
I used to believe in love, but after 16 years of being in what started out as a committed relationship, and my partner every 3 years decides he needs some time to “figure things out”, “to find himself”, “to date other people”, “to find his happiness”.. well my committed relationship stopped being committed after year 7 and I gave up on EVER getting married at year 11.
It’s true that love is difficult to find in the gay community but doesn’t mean that those among us who want it should stop trying
Love is difficult if you expect gay monogamy. There are too many men to fuck. Men who commit emotionally, but who are sexually open, find true love.
Men are not monogamous.
Monogamy is a feminist construct born of a time when women were dependent on men.
This is absolutely correct. I’m a bi male in my early 30s. In my 20s I tried both sides of the fence. The way it used to go, women were dependant on men for everything. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing really. Divorce rates and such seemed to be much lower then. But when the feminist movement hit it all changed. Divorce and whatnot has since skyrocketed. Women today want their independence, which is fine but doesn’t work in a relationship of any kind. There’s no I in team.
As far as males, they want to be emotionally connected to one person but have their sexual freedom. When this works, it lasts. While most guys into monogamy would show disdain for stuff like open relationships, those that find one and it works, end up going the distance. End of story.
I saw this, so I thought I weigh in on this topic .. you know love is the universal language these days between all of us who seek either we be gay or straight and it seems it just makes the world a happier place when we are in love and in a relationship. I for one, I am probably one of a lot out there mostly its companionship now or can we ever have love without sex. I think we can because I am in that situation right now but before I delve into that, can I explain, how it got to that point.
I came to dallas almost 30 years ago with a guy I thought was my dream, we didn’t last two years but we often reconciled the differences and became good friends until he was tragically murdered by a jealous Hispanic lover in Houston not very soon after 9-11, I then met another much younger more professional man I last 5 years with but he didn’t seem to understand my issues with grief after losing a brother and stepbrother, so he made his lifetime dream of living in san fran and screw everyone insight, now he is almost homeless on SSI and HIV+ undetectable but still screws around ..
Leading up to the present fellow I am with now, it will be 22 years in October, we recently got married in March, we have no sex, he is + undetectable as well but he is fine and kust doesn’t have no sexual appetite, I for on at 57 still have it but Its slowly waning down and I am fine with that, so I just jack a lot now to satisfy my urges. We have been through lots of drama with him finding out his + status, then I lost two jobs due to something I did carless and reckless could have lost us both out of the relationship but we stuck thru it, I got sarcastically funny with a customer at job I had with a gay guy I knew from online called him a slut, he told on me and I was promptly fired and then the 2nd job I had got fired from was I was in a wrong place at wrong time, some vice cops were cruising a local mall and entrapped me and 4 other guys on different occasions over 3 day period, media threw into a frenzy with mugshot, ,tv coverage, etc. Job I had got wind of it, I was fired. It took us awhile to build trust again but we still have that love no sex and its mostly all companionship
only glimmer of hope now is my family is fine with me being gay and are in process some of them anyway are going to finally come down to dallas to meet him.. I would say its cool especially nobody ever wanted to come see me in the 30 years I been here.
I know its a tad off the love subject but you can find love and hope to have it with sex, if no that’s ok, I guess especially after as old as we are now, hang it up and let love be love no matter what u are .. gay or straight. there is hope for all of us
I met my bf of 4 months on a4a. We both value honesty and loyalty, and live within 30 minutes of each other. We never expected it would be as good as it has been, we both had bad exes so were weary of a new relationship. We went with the flow and it is great. I wouldn’t change it for the world. This cub finally found his sexy bear.
Congrats Bobby!
“You will never find in another which is not in yourself. You cannot be selfless and give. Self must be fulfilled in order to give. Love yourself with all your soul. Fill yourself with love. It does require change. When the love radiates from you, you will attract love. Like attracts like. (Atoms will colonize their similarity and form levels of matter.) There is much to say here but i hope this helps.
PS. The moment you bring sex up in a Love conversation, then you have lost your focus. Sex has nothing to do with love. Not true love. That’s the conditioned love whereas as the sex is good so I love you. Most people don’t even know what love is. A lot of people’s love is only their face: if it looks good, tastes good, feels good.
The thing about love, gay or straight, is that when you open yourself up to love, you automatically have to open yourself to the possibility that love will end up hurting you, your partner, or both of you. There is no love without the reality of extreme pain when that love doesn’t go how you hope, for whatever reason. And I do think the capacity to love someone else only comes from the capacity to love yourself and to give that love away freely and willingly to someone else knowing they can dump you, fall out of love, cheat, or just learn they want something other than you. Still, you give more of yourself to that person you love, than you may give to yourself. Real love is selfless and real love means you give more to your partner than you expect to get and when what you want to give isn’t wanted anymore, or is rejected for whatever reason, it is very, very painful. Being in love presumes a great responsibility that you now have to each other, even though the such ideas are seldom spoken. Loving someone, being in love with them, means you are now responsible for elements of their happiness, to take care of their well-being, to be there for them when they hurt, to be there for them when they are happy, even when the happiness has nothing to do with you. Real dedication means being a real person, being honest, being able to admit you are wrong and to swallow your pride because ultimately, you’ll be that much more unhappy without him even if you are “right”. Being right can be very lonely, but we are taught to not be “wrong”, and so by its very nature, love is a contrary concept where what is “right” and “just” isn’t always what will get you what you want from that special guy who makes you think of forever with him.
In my experience, maybe perhaps I’m looking for love in all of the wrong places..online..finding a guy who is looking for a long term relationship is far and in between. I get so many offers on Grindr and online from guys wanting to hook up for sex and I reject them all because I’m not looking for that. I’ve had my share of wild and slutty times in my 20s as I was promiscuous back then , and ever since I’ve turned 30 ten years ago my whole mindset changed and I’m only wanting something meaningful now. But those who want a long term online are not interested..lol..
The feeling of a used rag after a one-nighter is not something I want to revisit. I’ve got a lot more to offer than my body just for a night of feel good.
Even a guy to do things with is impossible, like road trips, hanging out etc. Two gay men can’t just be friends. And the guys online who are into a LTR are not my type.
But here’s the thing that’s wrong with online dating..all we are judging is the person’s pic. A lot of times we can be attracted to someone mentally and the looks is secondary and it’s not something you experience online.
You know the saying, insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result and maybe I am insane because that’s all I resort to is online all it’s got me is no where in the man department.
I feel like love is harder to find in the gay world, because most of us didn’t have that luxury that straight people have, experimenting first in thier youth and then getting serious and tying the knot.
Many of us came out late in life, by the time that happens, you experiment, but both parties don’t stop ‘experimenting’ and continues to ‘play the game,’ by the time you want to settle down, you’re no longer young and attractive enough to catch a mate.
There’s also a lot of self hate within individuals of the community, so of course that’s also a key factor. Most of our places to hang out are bars and clubs, and not saying it’s not impossible to find a possible catch, but let’s get serious, it’s very rare to find the love of your life in a sex filled drunken gay bar lol! And of course hook up apps are so sex filled. Almost every venue we have in the gay world is very much an ‘adult playground.’
love is possible, it’s just not easy. you both have to be in agreement about what it means and how to get there, and you both have to put in the work.
if you’re looking for someone to complete you, it’s doomed. build for yourself a life worth sharing and you increase the odds that you won’t remain alone.
if you’re not sure how to start, I recommend reading ‘finding the boyfriend within’ by brad gooch.
it can be a bit heavy, so perhaps patrick price’s ‘husband hunting made easy’ would be a better intro. he also wrote ‘drama queen,’ which we could all probably stand to browse.
I have come to realise that “the one” does not exist.
You make him!
Then it is at you to keep that way and keep him!
love is great when you have both decided to make the other the one. Especially if your relationship is based on truth and honesty.
Love dies because you let it.
Shagging around is easy so if you choose to be in a couple why looking elsewhere? This is not love it is convenience: ditto for open relationship… you just want it all… but where is the love…?
It’s hard to find friends too. People choose their friends based on physical attraction. Too
Reading the replies to this blog make me cringe.
It takes time to build a loving relationship. It”s not something you check-off in a profile compatibility box and if there’s a match it instantly happens.
There is nothing wrong with having sex with someone as you fall in love with them.
An open relationship is one of convenience and there can be no love? What genius came up with this one?
When you start to give love, you will start to receive love. Allow others to love you the way they can, not the way you want them to.
“The one and only” is something most guys I’ve met are not looking for. It doesn’t matter if they’re gay or straight. I’ve worked in two large offices over the years and have found fewer and fewer people likely to be seeking “the one and only forever” person in their lives. Hookups are much more common than they were 20 and 30 years ago with both men and women participating.
One guy I know is a rare one. When his long term hetero relationship dissolved, he said “there’s no way I’m looking for another woman here at work; everyone in the office has done everyone else! How do they all even look at each other at the coffee machine every day?” He even said that he was amazed at the women in the office who were forward about wanting to hookup with him for “once and done” sex with no strings.
It used to be that “the one and only” was the way people thought. Now, it seems, not so much, regardless of sexual orientation. Only a couple of my gay buds are hoping for that. And they know it won’t be found at clubs or dating sites. The rest, like me, want several long term buds in their lives that they have a connection with, but no “the one and only.”
I still believe in love. Still looking for it. Hope my guy is somewhere out there. I’m 28. I’ve had only one relationship it was a great experience. I found him when I wasn’t looking for. Now after two years I’m looking again but seems like it’s not easy at all. Guys are too difficult. A lot of them are A. Holes. They don’t care if u have brain as long as u have a hot body. Which is sad. I used to be one of those. I always take care of myself so I feel like everybody should. But my ex wasn’t exactly the perfect guy. He had some extra. After him insisting for a while I decided to give him a chance. Guess what it was the best thing I could’ve done.
Love is a special way of feeling and of viewing the world and one’s place in it. I believe I gay men are capable of love but most men try to hedge their online bets by writing profiles that are inclusive: I’m seeking a life partner but I’m enjoying life….I.e. screwing around….until he comes along.
The superstitions about love are last of the reasons why most gay men do so badly at it. We expect guarantees. We expect love to last “forever” and when our attempts at love are not returned Or the affair runs it’s course after six months to a year. We then get sour grapes and declare that love is a social construct for only straights.
The fact is love makes us feel raw, vulnerable, needy and exposed. There is nothing wrong with those emotions yet gay men have not been taught how to get in touch with themselves.. so most of us go for what is cheap, transitory and forgettable: the hookup. Hookups are the slow rot to any gay man building a love match based on humor, tolerance and mutual respect
Hey Dave,
Sometimes when I’m on adam surfing and I see someone’s profile that I might be interested in and I say hello or a little more like “hello there. How’s your day” then I get no response and then after a while I see they viewed my profile but didn’t have the courtesy to speak back. I find that kinda arrogant and mean’spirited. My suggestion is that maybe you could pose that on your blog so we can see how other guys feel about this. I think it’s kinda strange to think everyone that speaks or say hello is out to screw or get screwed. Thanks and I hope you find my suggestion worthy enough to post. Thanks
will do 🙂
thanks
Hi everyone,
I need some advice about a guy I’ve been in the friends zone with. I met him at an outdoorsy themed happy hour almost eight months ago, March 2016. We have been hanging out at least once a month since then, mostly in group social settings, but in the beginning we had some alone time on a hike upstate. He is bi, (As am I, but prefer men more right now) and I had a crush on him the day we met. After a few weeks of hanging out at least four times, I came out to him and told him about my past history with men. I didn’t say in the email that I had a crush on him, figured that would be better in person. I have never been in a relationship, and all of my sex has come from dating apps. (A4A was the beginning of my sex life as an adult, so thank you Adam4Adam!) But I want to meet someone who shares similar interests ideally and have a connection, not just random sex (though I will probably have a lot more random sex before I find genuine connections) So back to this guy, at first there glimmers of an attraction from his side, but I was unsure. He invites me over for dinner in July, with his roommates around, and there is sexual tension, it seems like he is oogling me,) also he gives frequent hugs, sometimes groping hugs, though not of my private area or butt.
So I end up sharing some deeply personal info at the end, and then he takes me downstairs out of the building and asks me whats up. After finding out I like him, he claims he is good with being platonic. Earlier, in the emails he stated he would prefer a female partner in life. However, his behavior is not consistent with that. So after that night of honest conversation about our feelings, his behavior becomes more openly flirty first at his birthday party then at a rock concert. We have a month gap in seeing each other while he is at burning man, probably seeing other people or not, I don’t know,( Or at least its easier to assume he fucks everyone cause then it might be less of a blow when I find out who he actually fucks.) I email him about getting together for a hike in the fall, he sort of avoids planning it by saying he is busy with new school semester, a legit answer, but makes me wonder when a mutual friend says he just hung out with him a few days ago after he didn’t want to commit to hang out. So we meet at the happy hour again at the end of the month, and again some flirty behavior, a genuine interest to still be friends, but no initiative to make plans. I try to meet him in October, and he fails to commit a meeting. However, I get a last minute invite to Fire island camping after I already last minute invite to hike upstate because I had an emergency to go up here but figured I could hike as well. Then November we meet the day after Trump is elected at a movie screening, but its a short time and he flirts with a girl at the screening. Then I randomly meet on the street one day, and then he invites me to a happy hour with his classmates. I go to the event and am introduced as a neighbor, then his actual date, and he openly flirts with another guy he claims to see only once in awhile. So I figure he is ambivalent about our relationship, but really seems to enjoy flirting with me and taking in my body without having to commit to actual sex or a real date. We have not made out, just intimate hugging. I wished him merry xmas wish he did respond to, he ignored happy new year, though drunkenness could excuse that, but I have tried to flirt with him via text or email and he shuts down the conversation with a cryptic response. I like the friendship and its great to meet new people through him, but I’m giving up on the relationship part. What is your advice on this situation?
How do you get a gay guy in NYC to commit, or let alone want to text you on an app without your initiation?