Speak Out : Why Am I Still Single?
Eversince I turned 30 in February, I’ve taken a new approach to how I live my life. I don’t seem to care anymore about the petty things. I wake up in the morning with a generally positive outlook on my day. I’ve learned to accept the fact that things are never really going to go according to plans. I’ve also learned to be present–exist and rejoice in the here and now. I’ve grown tremendously and made what I consider to be great accomplishments in my life. I feel happy. Not just any happy, but a cool sense of intrinsic happiness! In my moments of weakness a suppressed, recurring question always comes to mind: Why am I Single?!?
Before I really get into how I feel about the subject, I have to shed light up my upbringing and thoughts of my own sexuality. I knew I was gay since I was 4! I distinctly remember coming home from pre-k and explaining to my mother that I have a boyfriend. She then tried to explain to me the difference between a guy who is a friend and a lover–and I argued with her. (I swear I feel like I’ve always been an adult trapped in a kids body). I was never picked on, bullied or abused in adolescence–I was just myself. It wasn’t until my teenage years until I became fully aware of what “being gay” was. Whatever I was exposed to–maybe it was the late night episodes of Queer as Folk and other limited LGBT shows I could sneak to watch–or the few gay hormone-driven friends I had met along my journey or the interesting scenes I found myself in while underage clubbing in D.C. nightlife or my early days on hookup/dating sites (hung?) Whatever it was–I knew that I was THAT type of gay.
I fashioned myself to be what I had considered to be “husband material”. I was not sexually active until 17, I never did any drugs (well weed brownies every now and then–I don’t smoke) didn’t drink until mid 20s. I graduated with two degrees in business, and I’m back in school for a third in audio engineering. I have great credit and I’m in the process of buying a multifamily home as a rental property. Im in shape -always have been(and now its even better due to CrossFit), I drive around in a Lexus, I have edgy bad boy sense of style, nice hair, white teeth, easy personality but sometimes a jerk–I can cook and if a fight ever breaks out in a bar, I know that I can hold my own! I have everything I would want in a partner, so–WHY AM I STILL SINGLE!?
I have had conversations with one of my close friends about this. He pointed out something for me to digest. He said the type of person I’m looking for is someone just like me–someone I can relate to and be in my same age bracket (plus or minus 5years). and that list is narrow. NARROW!? Really?? 7 Billion people in the world?? Why are ALL my exes in seemingly happy relationships or move from man to man, and I go by years at a time single? What am I doing wrong??
Thanks,
Michael (a4a Samer_Hii)
Follow us on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Adam4Adam/
Follow us on Instagram : http://Instagram.com/adam4adam_official
Follow us on Twitter: http://Twitter.com/adam4adam
Am single by choice and not by circumstance. Not everyone needs to be partnered in some way or another.
There’s one thing you said that I think at least contributes to your situation;
“I’ve learned to accept the fact that things are never really going to go according to plans.”
Why? So you won’t be disappointed? That’s a very instinctive thing to do, but it’s also putting up a wall between what you’ll get and what you want. Attitude is everything, I can’t say that enough. Replace that limiting attitude with one of abundance. Things will not go according to plans, they will go BETTER than the plans. If that person doesn’t show up today, that just means he’s still finding his way to you. But you got to keep projecting the positive intensity, no more “accept”, learn to “expect.”
If you’ve never heard of the book The Secret, now’s a good time to read it (out re read it).
You’re at a great age and your life is truly just beginning. Believe.
Hi, Michael. You may not want to hear this. Most of the qualities you mentioned are about your material possessions and your looks. Very little about your personality traits. That’s where you need to focus. The other stuff is great, but it makes you sound a little superficial. (I warned you, you may not like this). I was like you. Always looking for a partner. Once I gave up looking, I found him. We just celebrated 24 years together. Good luck to you!
Looking for something that’s not there is sometime over looked.. Most guys just wanna have sex, and love has nothing to do with it. Being single is very common in this lifestyle, just like have sex is very common in this lifestyle.
People seem to be serious about having a lover, or whatever you call it’ but sex is the real motive. After the sex has happen the goal has been archived.. One or the other is happy, but the other moves on without telling you. Guys to me have to understand the joy is having sex with that particular hot guy, then finding another hot guy’ At the end of the day we are all single”””
A lot of us set ourselves up for disappointment, have unrealistic expectation, and are (unwittingly) influenced by media’s influence on our love expectations. I encourage others to carve out their own type of relationship(s) and drop the expectations, and ignore society’s unrealistic norms. Then there’s the guys who use the excuse that they don’t fit the shallow gay relationship mode. That’s called denial. Fix yourself up, do and be your best. And finally there is nothing wrong with being single. Personally I love it!
Put your problem in context:
“Even now it can be difficult to explain to younger gay men who didn’t grow up during the AIDS crisis why they don’t see an older generation out around town.” –LA TIMES, 3-19-16
I am single myself and and I had asked myself what is wrong with me? I have been trying to meet people and no one will even say hello back, even on this site, they either won’t say anything back or if they do, there rude or they will block me. I say if I’m not your type and your not interested just say so and that will be the end of that. I have a lot of love to give one person and one person only. If I do find that one person that will be the end of these gay sites, because I will delete all of them. If that is you in the picture your a gorgeous looking man.
“I have everything I would want in a partner.”
So why do you want one? you’re so perfect already. Boring, possession oriented, shallow and vain. Typical.
Time to reevaluate.
It’s very hard to find someone you are attracted to both mentally and physically.
Stop looking. Obtain things because you like them, not because they are the “in” thing to have. When the value of something occurs to you before the price then you will have hit upon the formula. You will see the “VALUE” in men you never considered before. Im 57, iI have a 23 yo boyfriend of 3 years. Ive been waiting 40 years for this man. He works 50 hours a week in construction, takes care of his family members, no baggage, hot as hell, wiked sense of humor,his intelligence is very stimulating. He was NOT on my radar. Good Luck!
Hey there. I want to start by saying
I know very little about you or your situation past this blurb you’ve written of yourself, so maybe the following advice does not apply.
So you strive to be “everything you would want in a man”, and all those qualities you listed sound great to me. So maybe the guys that you have your heart set on don’t value those things like you do. People are strange and sensitive. Most people care more about how you treat them than about how much money you make, or how fit you are.
Maybe the problem you’re having is that your framing the question as “I have all these great things and achievements, so why am I single?”
Instead of
“I would treat the man I loved like a king, so why am I still single?”
People who are successful and driven sometimes don’t give others a chance for fear of settling. I’m sure that if you met a nice guy and gave him a chance, you would be happily coupled.
(just as an aside: There’s nothing wrong with being single if that’s what you enjoy.)
You’re a person of color. Numerous studies have shown that POC are much more likely to be ignored altogether in spaces such as this. Hate to say it. You need to expand your in person network based on your own hobbies and based on where you know gay people will be, and that is you’re best bet. It’s a game of statistics. 2 in 10 people are gay according to some sources. Anecdotally, for every 20 gay people an attractive POC reaches out to, maybe 3 will respond. Don’t solely resort to this place for love.
I have CHOSEN to be single. I have found in the past that I am a stubborn Irishman that’s set in my ways and find it hard 2 change others. Decided it’s best on my own. I am quite happy being single because I hate drama!!! I also think once you get to a certain age, early 4O’s, you find what makes you happy and what doesn’t. Doing things on my own on my terms at any time, day or night,makes me feel free and not smothered… Besides, that’s why I have online websites on my big screen to keep me happy!
Michael love what you wrote, however, it seems as though you are looking for someone with you traits, which is very hard to find.You need to stop looking and hoping. Have a more positive outlook and things will come to you.
I myself am awaiting my divorce for over 4 years now, and I have put my life on hold until such time, and it is really tough out there to find someone with that chemistry, that bond that will define each other. I have pushed so many men away because we did not ” click”.
It’s time for me to be more open with what I want and need and let my heart be free and stop looking for that person to meet my expectations.
Age is just a number my friend.
Good Luck and stay positive.
I am bi-gay and dont as of now believe in homo marriages.
i have been single for a long time. i continue to try to make friends and find love but still have not found love.i guess i have put this wall up when it comes to finding love and being in a realtionship. i am ok being single at times it can be lonely when being single and other times im all right with being single. there times i feel like ending my llife the thoughts of sucide. im only human born to make mistakes,is there some thing wrong with me . every one needs love .love is all that matters. i wish for some one to love me for me and not judge . Life can suck at times .
I’ve never had the single problem, I prefer it. I was once louking for a certain type but what I gut hitting me is other masculine guys that want sex only. I’m a total top who only have been with fems… now days fems are acting vers and masculine just to have sex. I’m not with all that so if I can’t get what I want I’m happy single. Remember being single won’t kill you but dating the wrong person just might.
Nice topic,kind of hit the nail on the head for me.lam single as well,living in the Caribbean as a closeted gay man is tough on all accounts,iam success in life but the pool is so small in the Caribbean its really frustrating,right now honestly thinking about migrating
A number of guys I know are in the same boat. Successful in what they do educated good looking what have you. In most of these cases they are almost desperate to have a boyfriend but are unwilling to let it happen. Let me explain. You are always going to have a physical type that satisfies your need for lust but is that person really husband material? Yes, nice to look but deep down the emotional qualities the personality the compatibility are usually lacking. When one try’s to hard to be in a relationship that is when the relationship is elusive. Resign yourself to be single, enjoy being you and eventually the right man will walk into your life, of he may already be there you just have a hang up that isn’t letting you see this person in that light.
As an example, I really had stopped looking, yes I still had a personal advert up and current I really was disheartened with the whole process of dating. One day I had spent several hours on line doing this or that, chatting with friends answering emails when I finally decided I was done. I logged off and immediately remembered there was something else I wanted to do and in the 45 seconds I planned on being on line an instant message popped up. We talked for almost 2.5 hours on line before chatting by telephone. On a whim and because we seemed to get along so well in these conversations I asked for drinks that evening. By this point I have absolutely no clue what this person looks like. I got dressed and went to a bar/restaurant and what walked in was not my ideal for physicality but I was determined to enjoy the evening and 10 years later we are still together. Has it always been easy, no, but it is genuine and itnisnhealthy and it is loving.
My advice is simple. Stop looking let it happen to you and stop worrying about what someone may look like. If you have the mental connection with the other person the physical matters less than the positive connection you two have mentally.
Hello everyone! I want to thank all of you for sharing your insights on my midnight rant. I generally am “ok” being single I just had a weak moment, which allowed me to shed light on a this part of my life. I’m sorry I can’t address everyone–but I must say..just the action of your responses has wowed me…thank you for sharing your constructive thoughts and allowing me grow (@paul not you ✨) be safe and wish all of you the best (yes..even you Paul)
Love you honey! <3 xo
Too bad there is too many single Asian/Pacific Islander men on gay dating site because they’re not interested in dating with Asians/Pacific Islanders or not into Asians.
I noticed short Asian guy who’s been single for 15 yrs, he’s still there on gay dating site. No one wants to date him. Dang!.
@Ezzo: Bingo. I spent the earlier part of my life moving from committed boyfriend to committed boyfriend, never happy or satisfied. I’ve been single for the last 15 years or so, and loving it.
You are such a typical gay male!!!!! What do you have to give other than some material crap! Just because you have a lot of expensive stuff, doesn’t mean you are worth a damn as a human being! You are just another example of what’s wrong with thee so called gay community. You build the foundation of who you are on being gay!!!!!!!!!!!
Wow i read this and I identified with it almost immediately. Im the kind of guy all my friends say “We dont get why guys dont go out with you, youre a catch” or people will ask “why are you single” or my ever favorite “dont worry the right guy will come along you just havent met him yet”
Staring 30 in the eye and I have a lot of my shit together and a lot to show for myself. Self employed, stable, responsible, home owner, fun. I mean im not trying to stroke my own ego here, but the truth is I am a catch. A lot of times i ask guysbout and they say no. Im not “masc” enough, i am HIV+ and i understand that scares some guys off. I dont know the answer my friend but hopefully good things will change for us both (and anyone else in our boat). Best of luck!
@Michael, I’m a single guy too that is in general ok with and a lot of time even happy being single. But I too have my weak moments. The only question is why? Do I want to be in a relationship for me or do I want to be in a relationship for other people’s perception of me. You also have to remember that some of those “happy relationships” are only happy in public and on social media. A lot of people (men, women, straight, and gay) go home to partners that don’t really love them. Just be yourself and life will hand you want you need to have.
But I think in the end it’s the fact that you don’t want to settle you’re holding out for your perfect match (which you should) another thing we have in common. Wanna go out? (Totally just kidding).
Noticed some Asians/Pacific Islander Men are SINGLE like forever on gay dating site: no dating, no boyfriend, no relationship. That’s like UNWANTED.
I am single because I am “undatable”. Live in a small town, HIV+, never off on weekends, and generally unattractive.
Relationships are overrated. I love being single. In fact, I didn’t even think it was an issue until I clicked on this link. Love my independence and would not compromise it for someone who is not the right match. Seriously. This obsession with relationships and martial status is pretty lame and outdated! It’s 2016! It’s totally cool and awesome to be single and anyone who thinks otherwise can go fly a kite!
Science has shown that humans are not biologically set up for 1 partner for life.
There are very few animals on Earth that are. I accept reality. I am never alone. I have a few close friends and always have a dog. A k-9 will always give me unconditional love. Not to be confused with sexual love. A K-9 does not care if I look like a fashion model or not. Not even my parents welcomed me home each and every time like my K-9s do.
I was in one long term relationship for over 20 years ,sadly the alcoholism won and i walked away , its been a bunpy ride ever since , couple bad relationships. I have given up looking and maybe somone worthwhile will appear in my life until that happens im single happy and loving it
Someimes we have to exam the most import an reasons why we can possibly be still single: Making lists when we shouldn’t, unrealistic expectations, not dealing with healthy relationships and ignoring good potential ones, and importantly….Being on A4A trying to find said man is not ideal. It can happen, but very very hard.
Hello Dddang said something about People of Color being ignored on this site. It’s very true. I’ve seen first hand where me I’m off black decent by my mother, I’ve been ignored by menow on here or they’ve made an excuse. My friend who is white comes along and messages the same guy and he’s available to meet right now. It’s a sad gay world we have and it won’t change because most of us don’t love the person we are.
Your single because the gay lifestyle is butt fucking ugly, it’s ugly because the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. You sought the best of the best and your mate will do the same, it’s just the ugly truth of the gay reality.
I was in a relationship for 13 years. It ended badly, now its been almost 2 years, I’m single and good with it. I would however like to meet someone at some point. Dating is different now, lol. I am also 41 and poz undetectable. These facts seem to limit the dating pool. I do get hit up by guys in their 20’s and I can’t find common ground, most of the guys my age seem to use meth and older guys are as jaded as me, lol. looks like its going to be a while before I meet someone who I can gel with, I guess I’ll just wait and see what happens.
Relationships are overrated and outdated. Being single is fun, awesome, and so 2016. Honestly, the title of this article should be “How cool is is that I am single?”. I can’t imagine compromising for the wrong match. I am happy and content being single. I feel sorry for guys who need another person to make them happy. Happiness should come form inside not outside.
Sadly most gay men have a very detailed list of No’s that they follow, Must be clean, Drug and Disease free even though they will still do a line of coke on occasion, must be perfect even the tiniest flaw is rejected,blocked, made fun of. When I came out in the early 80’s it was all about safe sex and getting to know the person. Now a days people are so socially awkward with the personality of wall paper paste, what I find that annoys me is texting to each other on a date instead of talking and getting to know each other. No wonder they are still single.
First of all, there are no plans when you are living in the the here and now.
Secondly, why are you afraid to date someone who has a heart, genuinely wonderful in their own way and “different?” You want someone like you? That’s like enjoying a box of marshmallow Peeps while neglecting the rest of the candy store.
Thirdly, get over yourself. There are men with more education, more money and assets, fancier stuff, and just as attractive. Ironically, if the guy you are looking for is “like you”, based upon your attitude, he probably doesn’t want you either. Aaah, touché!
When you learn how to love and learn how to accept and keep the love someone is giving you, in their own way, then you’ll easily recognize a good mate. You need to look beyond your mirror.
I’ll date you Michael! 26 glwm very nice and we’ll mannered. You might be able to hold your own in a bar fight but with me, you’d never go in alone! Yup I would fight in the bar with you and still hold the door and your hand on the way out. Just saying!
Hi Michael. I’m with you on the altruistic side. I’m single too and very content with my new life. Ever since I went back to my spiritual connection and religion (I’m catholic) everything got better. I’m glad I found myself. I just wanna help others and do good things. I would say, do what makes you happy and the right “one”
Will come to you. Peace to all of you brothers! God loves you all too.
Why are you still single? Could it be because you are thinking “singly”?
In its few paragraphs, the BLOG has 41 instances of “I” or “me”. Is this the focus that comes across when you’re with other guys? Successful dating and successful relationships occur because the individuals involved bring something to each other. It’s not just about “me”.
Is your “I” and “me” all that’s coming across when you interact with other guys?
I went on a couple dates with someone who is just like Michael. He seems to be perfect husband material. He’s tall, dark, handsome, has a good job and a long list of possessions that make him believe he’s successful. He’s well-travelled and is a great conversationalist – as long as the conversation is about him.
His positive self-awareness is so advanced, he has a strong sense of entitlement. Example: On one of our dates, he insisted that we go to a restaurant that requires reservations – without a reservation. When the hostess explained their reservation policy, he got loud and insistent. To shut him up, the hostess seated us. The table was terrible and the service was worse. I’ve never been back because I’m too embarrassed by my date’s behavior.
To all the Michaels out there, if you are everything you look for in a man, maybe that’s the problem. No one else is quite as good as you, therefore, unworthy of your attention. With your attitude, the only company you deserve is your own.
why am i single?… standards… i will not date anyone who uses any substance that makes them not cold stone sober so that means anyone that does any type of drugs as yes that includes 420, drinks to get buzzed or hammered or likes pops so right there eliminates most guys one way or another… all my 4 bf’s were social drinkers at 1st & then upon dating me & as time went by lessened even the social aspect of drinking to it being rare… i made a point up front that if they could not reduce social there would be no future… also I am accomplished in my own way but one thing for sure you will never see me list write say type my accomplishments
It happens to the best of us. I lost my parents at a young age. So, I’ve had to make due with my friends as my family for years. I’ve been battle-hardened by my life and can be a bit of a big personality with an abrasive streak. I understand why I have trouble finding a partner, big personalities clash. It gets hard to have no help with my home or my life in general. Sometimes a partner would be nice to not have to do it all alone. I’ve almost died alone in a hospital room before and it means a lot to me to find someone that cares before that happens to me.
Personal opinion: You sound pretty nice an successful. A lot of guys just want to play the field or don’t even know how to be in a relationship. I’ve seen relationships, gay and straight, that make no sense and make everyone crazy. You should just try to make it until someone wants to share it with you.
It’s simple. It’s a numbers game. First off being gay already confines us to a small fraction of the population. Narrow that down further to the group that is gay and out. Then take that group and narrow it down further to gay, out, wants a relationship.
Now I think we can all agree that a large segment of men are are rather superficial.
So now we have even smaller numbers.
If you don’t have a gym body, or are not well endowed, that’s going to cut out a lot of people again.
I realize I made some generalizations here, and it certainly does not apply to everyone.
Im blessed to be in a great relationship for 15 years. Goes out everyone struggling to fulfill your desire
Am I the only that doesn’t feel like he was bragging on his accomplishments? He was just stating facts and giving you all a little background on hisself. Oddly, I do think the mentioning of his car was redundant. But I digress. Michael, if you would like to become acquainted just inbox me. We can talk Popgoespunk is my username.
Michael-The Author
The great thing about life is you’ll grow despite yourself, because until your light is extinguished (and I hope that it’s no time soon!) you will live on, and will be forced to endure whatever life throws at you, chosen and not. You will be challenged and I want you to make the best choices for you and those you interact with, because in the big picture how we treat each other impacts us all, inadvertently. I wish you a love who is able to see past your flaws and love you anyway.( because yes… even you Michael are full of flaws darling) Kisses Love!
57 y.o. white male seeks companionship with str8 divorced or married white males for fun times. If a go, maybe work out to a regular thing. Aforesaid was an example of what the so-called “gay” lifestyle leads to. Independent, in the closet by choice, and mature. If you are basing your “wants” with your “needs”, you need to differentiate between the two. Wanting a relationship is not the same as needing a relationship. Re-examine what your goals are without any outside pressure or influences. If necessary make a list of what you would like in a relationship. Make two columns. List as Positive and Negative. Be honest with yourself and you just might find more than you bargain for. Words of Wisdom: Life happens. Life cannot be bought or sold. Good Luck.
Every guys wrote on gay dating site that still said, “No Asians Please” or “Not into Asians Sorry” which is why so many Asians are single. Hmm. Well, too bad!.
First I have to say BRAVO! I have been off these blogs for a while because of the nastiness I read being spewed at one another — I read these messages and found them good, inspiring, and ultimately honest. Michael(the author), I can see you were a a bit hurt by what @Paul said, DO NOT take his words that way, you asked for input and he took the time to respond honestly. If you feel a sting, then it might mean it was a bit of constructive criticism that might be on target. It doesn’t make you a bad man, we are human and we develop and hopefully we change from what we learn. Open your mind to the possibility you see yourself as the ‘catch’ and start seeing the possibility that you should be looking for the ONE who does not perceive himself as having ALL his ducks in a row. Adulthood and maturity are journies and NOT destinations at which we arrive! My compliments to all these fine gentleman who took the time to lay themselves bare, and for choosing to respond in productive ways — I will consider giving the BLOGS a second look, it is great to see some phraternity (sic [brotherhood and love together]) here
Hunter
Relationship require work, communication, and trust. Not many want to work at it. The other issue is most guys are looking for the next best thing. Perfection doesn’t not exist. Fear of commitment