Speak Out : Gay in the Workplace
Hello,
Since my first post on here, I have come to find you all to be a very opinionated and insightful bunch. I would like to share my experiences with you, and hear all about your experiences with “being” Gay in the Workplace—whatever that means.
For every job I have ever had; my first being a lifeguard, to my current–working in payroll in a very large office; I always bump into this awkward tension about my sexuality. I’m not D.L. I consider myself to be out. My friends, family and all those invested in my happiness all know. If anything I consider myself to be somewhat private. I do not need Nosey Betty all in my business, SPREADING my business to the entire office. Regardless, people will talk.
When I first started my current job, I was hired with a group of people. Several weeks into our training the CEO and two managers hosted a lunch with the four of us. In an effort to get to know us, the CEO went around the table asking us where we were from, if we are married/single, parents, in school. In just typing this story to you it all seems like harmless questions right? Let’s continue…the talkative girl in our group talked about how she is in a committed relationship and she really thinks he is going to pop the question (and he did 2 years later), one guy was engaged (then married and divorced because his wife didn’t want to have sex as often as he’d like then got with this next chick after the comma), the other was in a long distance relationship (dumped him and got with the previous guy-ask yourself how I know all this information-do you see how messy and dramatic offices can be!?).
As this open discussion was going, I was smiling, laughing, making eye contact but feeling anxious for what I was supposed to say. I knew from the moment I walked in this building I was probably the only gay person there. To make matters even worse, I lived with my boyfriend at the time. We had been fighting all week and literally broke up the night before. My head was not in the correct space for this topic and the Aquarian in me did not appreciate this invasion of privacy and useless chit-chatter. My anxiety crept in and I felt numbness take over my body. I watched as their heads did a slow turn to the end of the table and their eyes beamed a spotlight on me. My CEO asked “What about you Michael? Are you in a relationship?” I coolly replied, “No, I’m single”. I smiled hoping they would see there’s nothing interesting happening at this end of the table. Let’s move this conversation along, I thought to myself. But, no. My answer was not enough for him. In fact, they all had a look that my answer was insufficient. My CEO persisted in his quest for an appropriate answer from me, furthering my obvious discomfort. “Single!? You can’t be single, you’re young, handsome, employed here (everyone laughed) surely there’s a special lady” he said. Assumption or expectation. Oh, shit I’ve already been classified. I thought this was lunch, I didn’t know it was the Oprah show, what should I say to clarify?:
“My boyfriend is a loser who hasn’t worked for the two years I’ve been with him. He’s manipulative, lies and says he’s looking for work but really is texting other guys while I’m here working my ass off. I tolerate his shenanigans because really I can take care of my damn self and he and he has a really nice ass”
Again, I don’t need these bitches in my business. I had only been working there two months. So, I gave the best complete answer I could give: “No, I’m single working. I’m working on getting my life together and focused on my career here at this this company.” It still wasn’t enough for them but it was enough to let it go that day. I mean, I didn’t lie…I was single.
See I’m confident of who I am, where I’ve been, where I’m going and who I choose to love. I don’t feel like I need to wear a stamp on my forehead “I’m Gay” because…well, I am gay. Another thing, why at THIS company in Massachusetts, one of the first states to legalize gay marriage, is there no openly gay person? That speaks to my company culture. Did I do a disservice by shielding my private life and playing by the rules of office politics?
Three years later, and this night of reflection as I write this to you—I’m analyzing how people interact with me at work. I mean, I get it. Straight females want to know IF they can get the D. Straight guys want to know so they can determine if they can or can’t relate to you. This just leaves me in an awkward position of being labeled. How do you other professionals deal with being who you are in your workplace? Do you believe sexual orientation has a place at work? Is there a fine line of being private and being sensitive of your sexuality? Do you feel being “out at work” increases your risk to discrimination? Do you just let your colors fly and deal case-by-case with the stereotypes, treatment or and/or curious questions? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Your friend,
Michael (Samer_hii on A4A)
(Interested in writing a blog post? Send your article to blog @adam4adam.com and we will publish it.)
I feel like unless you’re in a serious relationship with a guy that you wish to bring to company functions, it’s really not necessary to announce your sexuality in the workplace. Or maybe if someone ASKS about your personal life or some question pertaining to your love life, there’s nothing wrong with simply answering honestly. I’ve always felt coming out in the workplace for the sake of coming out in the workplace is unnecessary and is usually only appealing among types who are starved for attention. Ultimately, you go to work to make money, not for approval or social acceptance.
First I think what this company was doing is illegal. They can’t ask such personal questions. I’m a stylist, so it’s not all that bad for me. Although I get tired of coworkers and guests trying to set me up with their friends and relatives or asking me about my dating life in general. I can understand though, in a traditional job setting how unsettling that situation can be.
I’m open about my sexuality but at the same time I do not live as a poster boy for the political cause and I think gay people run into issues when they want to push “reverse intolerance” i.e. that everyone should see things their way 100%.
All of us run the risk of demanding too much and giving too little in that respect.
All tolerance is really is a live and let live stance. Tolerance is most decidedly not acceptance.
The get to know you session described in the post is an HR nightmare because it violates worker rights laws.
Private information is private.
I work in a new car dealership in it and I don’t hide the fact I’m gay and have a long time relationship with the same man.Everyone knows and nobody cares. I’m 60 years old and have done that job over 37 years and never had an issue with anyone.I look and act like any other normal person and yes we do kid around at work at times about me being gay but we all have a great working atmosphere. They have even told once technician of he didn’t want to work with me HE could leave.Just wanted to let people know there are still great places to work even in small towns like I live in.
I’m out to my friends and family, but I honestly don’t feel that I want to share that aspect of my life at work. Honestly, it’s absolutely none of their business. And fortunately, where I work most folks are hesitant to pry – it just seems like part of the culture of where I happen to be. So basically, if I don’t say, no one is likely to ask. And that’s not to say that I couldn’t say. There are a couple people in my area that are openly gay and talk about their girlfriend/boyfriend without any issues being seemingly attached to that by anyone, which is great. However, in my experience that sort of environment is a rarity. I have generally kept my personal and professional lives separate, and most people assume I am straight unless specifically informed otherwise. And even people who talk about having gay friends (and who also feel like they have to say that they don’t have a problem with it) will crack gay jokes occasionally, and have said things that indicate that it does change how they see people, if it isn’t as polar as good/bad… but definitely differently. For example, a good buddy of mine relocated up north for work, and will say things like, “No homo dude, but I really miss getting to hang out with you.” So clearly, there’s a stigma in his mind, even if it is a small one, as he’s also someone who has gay friends.
I have lived in places where being gay was utterly unacceptable – to the point that one of my best friends literally stopped talking to me when he found out, when I thought our friendship was stronger than that. Those kinds of experiences have definitely urged me to be cautious when it comes to coming out to people at work. Not that it should affect a work relationship, but the potential exists. And as a general rule, people are not very good at keeping their opinions of others from influencing how they interact with them, even when they know that they should try not to – like at work. And I would generally prefer to just keep that kind of dynamic out of my work life.
Have a great atmosphere at work everyone knows no one cares.
When I was a Longshoreman working the docks at the company my dad worked at for 45 years I was 100% totally out. I started at 19 years old, going through a divorce, had a 17 yo boyfriend in the USN waiting to hit bootcamp. No one gave me any crap, my operater partner(truck driver) dad was the foreman. When gossip came up we dug into the gossipers dirt and blackmailed them quiet. When 2 Playboy bunnies (gay mafia Reno) stayed at my apartment for a month the guys couldnt wait for a dinner invite. 36 years later its quite funny!
Heterosexual or Homosexual it has no place in the work place!!!!!!!! Unless you work in the sex industry.
The only thing they need to know is how I preform my job, If people get in my personal business I shut that shit down!!!!!!!!!
Dude, you have unresolved issues around your sexuality and more than a little internalized homophobia. You don’t have a problem with the straight people’s sexual orientation having a place at work. Incidentally, neither do they. So why is it even a question or something that you are obsessing over and trying to find a legitimate reason for a double standard. If you had answered that you were gay and currently going through a difficult time with your boyfriend that would have been on par with what your co-workers shared. The specific, intimate details of personal relationships would not be appropriate for any of you to share. As for only having been hired 2 months prior? Thought you were hired as a group? Your company can’t have out employees unless someone is out. You choose to be closeted and then relinquish responsibility by claiming you played office politics but the office politics seem to be created in your head to justify your behavior. There’s a possibility that you could experience discrimination due to your sexuality. The same could happen/happens to people because of race, gender, etc. If out you can stand up for yourself and challenge it. An option you don’t have if not out but still the target of discrimination. Being out is NOT wearing a sign. Labels are so we know what someone/something is. They only define you if you don’t define who you are beyond the label by being true to who you are every day as you work and do your job.
It’s a tough one. I know plenty of people who are out at home and at work. There are also many of us who are not completely out at work, but aren’t hiding who we are. I agree labels do tend to place you a box, you’re not ready to be pigonholed in. Even in 2016 there are workplaces where the very mention of your sexuality can land you in the enemployment line. I still don’t know why it’s nessasarry to lay all your cards on the table at first glance? I’d rather have things happen in time, or the time you decide to give up your T.
I came out at the first logical moment in my current job, if it was going to be an issue I wanted to know right away, and it killed the speculation and gave me the upper hand.
I personally have been thru the same scenario. But I typically consider myself a very private person and not a fan of discussing my personal life. I’ve been single for 3 years so I kind of have it in my head what I’d say in that discussion. But sometimes I have confidence enough to admit my sexuality if someone asks.
“Straight females want to know if they can get the D and straight guys want to know if they can relate to you”. What kind of idiotic thinking do you have? You clearly work in an unprofessional environment with losers I’m sorry to be nasty but let’s be real. I have all straight guy friends and we are very relatable except we are attracted to different things in the bedroom. Also, I’m friends with a lot of straight girls and believe it or not they’re not trying to seek dick from every guy they meet. Your perception of human interaction is low class and pathetic. It’s a shame to go through the only life that you have thinking like such a fool. This is the last despicable article I’ll read from you you’re very close minded and flat out strange.
The issue here has nothing to do with being gay in the workplace. The issue is that the question posed by the CEO was totally out of line. It would not have mattered if anyone was gay, straight, male, or female. Sooner or later he will find himself discussing his behavior with an attorney.
Until recently, I worked in an office with an openly gay, flamboyant imdividual. He grabbed the spotlight the moment he entered the office. Everything we did businesswise was always about him. He was loud and carried a giant “victim” sign about life. No one cared that he was gay. No one cared that he had boyfriends. No one wanted to know any more about him than they knew about others in the office. But he made his entire gay life public. And he did it daily in a way that was annoying and disruptive. Two days after he left, in a moment when we were quietly working, a coworker said just loud enough for all to hear “isn’t silence refreshing?”
Gays are everywhere. Some are attention whores. Some are asses. Some are people that go along in life like everyone else. When the first two have issues with others, the often claim the issues are due to their being gay. In reality, don’t many issues arise because they’re attention grabbing, annoying asses?
As an employer I make it my business NOT to ask those kinds of questions but we are a small group and there are some gay people who are completely out and talk freely about their relationships. Another straight person is having difficulties and had to tell me because it was requiring them to take some time off.
I admit I am ambivalent about this topic. On the one hand it’s great that some people feel very comfortable talking openly about the very normal gay (or straight) relationships they have. Having a gay boyfriend or husband and being out makes people much more open and accepting . On the other hand, whether straight or gay when things go sour you might feel pretty uncomfortable having your coworkers know all about it..and frankly they may not want to know about it.
First off I believe this company’s little “getting to know you” exercise is illegal. No company can ask you such personal information. Second, I am a hairstylist, so it’s a pretty open environment. However, that doesn’t stop ultra conservative people from sitting in your chair and condemning me, or openminded guests and coworkers asking personal questions about my dating life, or trying to fix me up with their son/brother/cousin/friend. Over all its not bad for me, but I can see how in a tradition office or job setting, this can be unsettling and even scary.
To be honest, I think they know/knew which is why they kept baiting you. I have never been in this situation, but if it was to ever come up I would just be honest. I’m open about my sexuality everywhere I go, but most people tell me I don’t look like gay (whatever the hell that means).
I find that as an openly gay professional male that i do not have to advertise my sexual orientation at work. For the last 4 years i have been a manager in the automotive repair industry. My district and regional manager know that i am gay. All of my technitions know that i am gay. I do not feel that i need to explain it to anyone. Some of my customers know as well as i work for a highly know company counrtywide. Since i do work as a mechanic it is stereotyped as macho, even gay men tell me how hot it is that i work on cars but to me its just work. Over the years i have had new techs start work just to find out that i am gay and their response is that they cant learn anything from me because i am gay and gay men do not know anything about cars. Then they see that they could not find a better teacher as i am one of the better managers in the company as well as a damn good mechanic. Considering my dad is a mechanic, has his own stop, is a professional race car driver and i was part of the pit crew for 20 yrs. Once they get over that bump they are great. Now your probably asking yourself should there even be a bump? Well i think there should. People should be able to question anything. The only dumb question is the one never asked right! After all as a manager 90% of my job is educating, not just employees but customers as well and it gives me great pride that i can educate 17-66 yr old males that they arent too old to learn something new and that as a gay male not only can i do what they can, i can do it better.
Every job I’ve worked, including the two I’m doing now know that I’m gay. There haven’t been any issues or anything else. I respect them & vice versa.
With my work. I primarily try to keep my personal life and work life separate. There are coworkers in my dept that know I am gay but I don’t know if my boss or some other coworkers know. I have been with the company many years but the company has changed over those years due to mergers and acquisitions. The coworkers that know about me are ones I worked with originally that were in the previous company before the mergers. At that time I was in a LTR and I took my partner to company holiday parties. After the merger, I got a new boss from one of the other companies involved. No company event after the new company formation occurred for spouses to be included so the situation never presented itself. I am single now but I still don’t provide much information about personal life to my boss or anyone. He frequently asks about my weekend plans but I keep it generic or even indicate nothing really going on even though there may be. I don’t know if me being gay would be an issue for him but I just like keeping work and personal separate. I would have handled the situation the very same way that you did at the lunch.
questions like that do not belong in the workplace. it’s most likely a violation of HR rules, and it’s surprising the CEO either wouldn’t know or would be so insistent.
I think you’re right to Feel like this , I’m not such an open book & Mainly just cuz I feel it’s none of your damn biz ,
if I want to share , that’s up to me ,…
which I won’t and it really isnt something that should be expected to be known , it’s at your job, and it is a workplace ,,….
so never feel bad if you don’t disclose or divulge , it’s part of the problem with this society , TOO MANY PEOPLE THINK they think they have a right yo know & too many tell WAY too much , some things are best left private and unknown , partly why things escalate in a sex scandal or other legal inappropriate matters , PEOPLE NEED TI MIND THEUR BUSINESS
You be you , do what you do , screw everyone else if they think that they have a right to know , or whatever else,IT REALLY IS , NONE OF THEIR DAMN BUSINESS AND YOURE NOT SETTING ANYONE BACK IN DOING SO , GAY OR NOT …
I have always given the bare facts of who I am, I never got into depth about who I am. Most people if they want to know just ask to be nosy anyways, and if people find out something juicy enough about a person, they use it as gossip. It always amazed me how str8t people are so open about there personal lives, good and bad, and there confused lives, like it is there right to talk about there mixed up lives and relationships. A gay man would be labeled as just looking for D if he is not in a relationship or the relationship was in turmoil, where str8t people I think are labeled oh, poor guy, well it takes time to find the right girl. So that is why I pretty much kept my personal life to myself. Less intrusive from strangers that way.
Every job I ever had, I never let my sexuality be know. I never talk about women or men in fact. I kinda listen to their relationship drama, but that’s about it. Im not DL or out, I just mind my business. Beside, sometimes being out will hinder you from moving forward in the company if a higher up secretly dislike your lifestyle. Like it or not.
It’s good to think about this but I think you handled this in the exact right way– for you. Everyone is different, and nobody should unload “shoulds” on you because they don’t walk in your shoes. So don’t dump them on yourself, either. We can see from things like North Carolina and Mississippi that although progress has been made, you can still find yourself in a situation where people don’t “get it” as you found in your office. Yes, it’s appalling that in 2016 people who don’t even know you yet are still thoughtlessly asking you why you can’t find a nice young lady. You refused to overshare, and considered how your words would land on the people around you as you tailored your response. That is is what a gentleman does. You should be proud of yourself. As you get older (I am 61 and I’m thinking you are way younger,) you will have a catalog of experiences and responses to draw from in these situations. It will get easier. As you go, your intuition will tell you what you can share with this person and that person. And by doing that little by little, eventually your office will “know better” about you and about any other new employee. I don’t feel you’re responsible for retraining your company, but you may well have singular role in that if you choose, simply by being a good person and employee and treating people well as you share more of yourself with them. It will all work out very well.
I found a top at work one night and we hit it off. We met on an airplane we were working on one night and he gave me a good fucking in the cargo bay. He fucked me three times that night.
Michael, you were spot on to keep your business to yourself. No matter what, there will always be people in your workplace who will seek to find a weakness to exploit or a leverage they can use against you. Its best to neither confirm or deny anything, as well as it is none of their business to make ANY confition of your employment based on need to know and private information. Congrats on keeping your cool and not letting people get an unnecessary power over you sole based on your preferences.
Some extremists (ahem… one of them commented on this previously) seem to believe that we are somehow obligated to come out and wear a banner or else we are doing a disservice to our freedoms or the community at large. This is NOT TRUE. Every queer person has to balance their sexuality with the reality of their lives and with the level of personal divulgence with which they are comfortable. I am a substitute teacher and while I am sure many of the people I work with and more than a few of the kids SUSPECT my sexuality due to my mannerisms, the fact that I am not married, etc. – I do not ever validate any rumors I hear. It’s not about being closeted. It’s about not bringing my personal life into work. It is born of exactly the same feeling as my aversion to the idea of hanging out with coworkers after school or developing on-campus friendships. I am a very private person (I am not closeted, btw, everyone in my personal life knows about my sexual orientation) and I prefer to keep personal things personal. I get just as uncomfortable listening to people at work talk about their personal relationships as I am with the idea of discussing mine with them. It’s neither the time nor the place. As far as rumors – I don’t care about that. I’m sure that people, adults and students alike, do whisper to each other that Mr. So-and-so is gay, and I don’t care about that because they’re not saying it out of mean spiritedness – it’s just a fascination straight people seem to have with identifying who we are, because our lifestyles are subversive to everything they consider normal. However, I neither confirm nor deny that information. I frequently get from off-task students “Are you married?” to which I honestly answer “No” and then the inevitable followup question is “Do you have a girlfriend?” to which I also answer “No” and then I immediately distract them back to the topic at hand which is TEACHING. If I were in a relationship which was somehow important to defining me or my life, I might answer differently. But it seems like a completely pointless and inappropriate exercise to answer those questions “No, but if I did it would be with a MAN.” Why do they need that level of detail? The truth, for anyone who wants it, is that I am a happily single man living the lifestyle of a single man and that’s all there is to it.
I for one do not agree with that type of questioning in the work place. My whole life I have kept my private life separate from my work life. Sure I have had some co-workers that I would hang out with from time to time but I was still private about my sex life. Not only that but because of working in a prison environment being out could have caused some issues and lawsuits with inmates as one co-worker found out because when he had to strip out an inmate the inmate made up a story that he tried to feel him up and other inmates went along with his story and claimed the same thing. It was a long drawn out investigation and was unfounded but the 9 months of BS that went on caused him a lot of grief just because he was out at work, no co-workers had an issue with him being out just the inmates trying to make a quick buck. There were some gay female workers there also and had no issues with either except for 1 which she always causing drama and trying to use the gay trump card but everyone tried to stay away from her.
Sexual preference should not matter in the work place and as the saying goes never shit where you eat.
Personally, I believe in keeping my private life just that, private. I see no reason to discuss my sex life with my coworkers. Sure I’ll talk about other things I do such as a movie I saw or where I plan to go on vacation, but the personal details are my business and no one else’s.
Please let me give my 2cent. When I go to work, I work. Period. I’m not there to discuss my personal life or sexuality. If people know or ‘suspect ‘, I’m gay, it’s fine with me because I carry myself in such a professional manner that no one can find fault and my job performance speaks for itself (yes I’m that good). I treat all people, coworkers with respect. And it helps that the company HR Mgr is gay. No one cares, we’re all there to do a job, make money to support ourselves and family. I’m not losing my job because I said something inappropriate at work. If you feel uncomfortable speaking about your personal life, tell them you keep your private life private. Trust and believe “they “will get the message loud and clear. There’s this one guy in my office that’s so hot it hurts to even look at him. But it’s fine because once again I’m very intelligent and professional employee. I used to think that the women in work with were blind to not see i was gay, yes I’m one of those,”he’s so good looking, how could he be gay”, and it’s cool with them because at the end of the day who gives a flying fuck who you go home to sleep with. Btw, Miguel if you’re ever in FL, holla at me you sexy mechanic. Lol
As for me i keep my personal/sex life seperate from my workplace life and ALWAYS! I have buddies i hangout with time to time that don’t even ask who i sleep with! Only my close family members and few close friends know about my sexual preference! To display your sexual orientation at the workplace isn’t really a requirement to tell you the truth!!!
Take charge of the situation and come out asap. Hiding it just created speculation. Nothing kills the office buzz faster than coming out as soon as you can. If it’s going to be an issue you’re going to have to deal with it eventually, why not do it on your terms?