Speak Out : How Long Is Too Long To Be Engaged?
(This post was written by a member of A4A, if you wish to submit an article, please send it to blog at adam4adam.com)
“Dear Dave,
Piggy-backing on one of your more recent posts “NYC FLASH-MOB PROPOSAL”, I wanted to ask a question that I’m sure many newly engaged couples are asking themselves: “How long is too long to be engaged before actually getting married?”
Some couples are engaged for a couple of months while others seem perfectly okay with being engaged for a year or two before they make the walk down the aisle.
I was hoping you could post this so the A4A community could way in on the topic and share personal stories, experiences, and give some practical advice to newly engaged couples we have here on A4A.
Just thought it would be refreshing to talk about something other than sex positions and cock sizes for once.
Bck4More07″
Who cares what others think…. its a personal descision.
Its bad enough the str8 couples easily get divorced.
Personally I have and lived with my partner for 18 yrs… kinda of a long engagment, others have asked when we are getting married….. my response the same… in our hearts we are married, its just the piece of paper we dont have. We have talked about it, the only conclusion we have came up with …. is when there is a real benefit needed by the goverenment, so probally not a big hupla event happeing over here….. but all of our family and friends know we are together.
However long the two guys agree to. It’s no one’s business but their’s.
I feel like no one should be more than a year of being engaged, less is even better. Also skip the flashy ceremony knock it out at the courthouse then throw a badass party afterwards
lawd have mercy. ive been engaged 3 times and none of them lasted more than 4 months. everytime I insisted we head down to the justice of the peace, my insignificant other bowed out. I don’t know if its them or me but my track record with engagements isn’t too good. I think its time I went and got a therapist.
More than 2 years is nuts. Then again friends of mine were together for 7 years before they did the deal.
It should happen within the first year. After 1 1/2 to 2 years it’s time to sit down and have a nice long talk.
1 year…..tops
Though i say that with no prospects. 🙁
Also i am age 49.
Considering the infidelity rate amongst our community. As long as one needs to in order to know that this man is the right man for you and not a pass around town slut thats all too common these days.
I think being engaged for 1-2.5 years is reasonable based on wedding plans and scheduling, etc. 3+ years? Y’all just reeeally good friends lol.
How do you “people” come up with these stupid topics?? It is another one of your topics that bears no real discussion. The topic you raise is only for the 2 people involved. There is no set time. Straight, gay you can be engaged, single divorce, cheat have switch parties whatever you want to do without anyone’s approval or knowledge of it. No one really cares how long people stay engaged. Being together is the real story.
Scott : If ur so smart, send a topic yourself! I think that this topic is very interesting. Not everybody is into fucking or getting fucked. Some people care about love and relationships too!
Dave
usually an engagement lasts a year. 6-8 months is starting to seem a little more prevalent bit I still think that’s a little too early. 1 year is perfect time to figure out if marriage is right or not. Most of the surveys I looked up agreed.
1 yr at the most. Sometimes finances, health, and kids could force you to push back a marriage, but two years is too long under most set of circumstances.
There’s no definitive timeline that I know of. It would all depend on each couples situation as to why there’s a wait. It could be finances, work, family, it could also depend on how long you were together before getting engaged. Maybe you got engaged quickly and want to slow down before the big day to work any kinks out. But be open and communicate and make sure there’s no underlying issues that’s causing the wait.
According to this infographic from Wedding Paper Divas, 40 percent of couples wait 13 to 18 months between “Yes!” and “I do.”
Well, now that you’ be asked… I’m actually a BoTTOM!
I think this depends on several factors. How long did you date before you became engaged? What kind of relationship are you wanting, opened or closed? Do you want kids? What are your long time goals?
Too many people rush into marriage, thinking nothing’s going to change except a ring on your finger. That commitment changes everything. If you both are truely committed and have discussed everything, then great, get married. But if there is any doubt, wait. I went to a wedding once when the vows were written, “til convienence do us part.” Really? If you are not ready, wait. Stay engaged until you do decide, or just stay engaged.
The worst part of there responses is that a lot of people do not understand the difference between dating a long time and being engaged a long time. I have not read one person being objectionable to people dating a long time, we’re wondering why would you want to be engaged more than a year?
Scott,
With gay marriage now legal,topics like this in our community are a necessity. They may not be interesting for most but if one does find love on a hookup site the engagement period is important. The point you made about being between two people is well taken and agreed with.
Dave, I appreciate you taking this blog beyond dick or ass. You have the floor when it comes to what is discussed here. That is a lot of power that you can use to bring important topics for gay men to discuss.
depends on the couple.
Anything UNDER 6″ is too short to get engaged
6 months. By then you will know what about him you love, what you hate, what you will put up with. If the mutual math works out then book the fucking cruise ship for the wedding. First port of call is the wedding, everyone flys home afterward, you stay on your honeymoon for 2 weeks of cruising. No drama ,no mess.
There are infinite reasons why a couple chooses to be engaged for however long, or not. All of which is nobody’s business but theirs. This is just yet another topic for bitchy queens to be all judgemental over. That being said, it’s “weigh” in. Not “way.”
heres a topic. i want to live in key west but i cant afford it. its too expensive . youve gotta be a rich gay to live down there. whats an island boy supposed to do?
Whatever works for the couple..I’m always a bridesmaid never a bride
The engagement is the drum roll to the wedding. I think the engagement should not last longer than 2 years. Remember the engagement is leading up to the Wedding.
The whole purpose of the engagement is to start the process to get married, if you are not sure if that person is the right one or if you want to get married at all… Don’t get engage.
To be engage is a serious step in a relationship, is not a fancy term to get attention from your friends, or to stop the other person from pushing to get married.
The engagement should be as long as the time you need to prepare the event. If the event is just to go to the court house… No need to much planing!
Now days people don’t even need to get engage to move in together.
An engagement should be one year or two years maximum. Actually, I take that back it should really be one year tops. If it is longer than that then one partner obviously has cold feet. No reason to have a prolonged engagement. I have heard ludicrous things in the straight world people dating for ten years got kids yet NOT MARRIED LOL! That is a joke if one person is unwilling to make a committment then break up.
Hmmm? I’ve had friends that were engaged one, two and three years before getting married and even 3 months before getting married. I on the other hand would want to be engaged for about a year before getting married if it comes sooner well that’s fine by me. Everyone has their own choices in life maybe talk with your partner and see when you want to have the wedding. Plan it out and when your both ready then the big day will come
All depends on your situation. My fiance and I have been engaged for over a year. I’m in school finishing up grad studies and between studying and clinicals I just don’t have time to commit to planning a wedding. I also don’t have the time to take off for a wedding or a honeymoon. My fiance is very understanding and agrees 100% that we can start planning once school is over. I’ve known him for 7 years and we’ve dated for 3 of those years. I know he’s the one and neither one of us is not going anywhere, so I don’t see the problem in holding off.
The engagement can last forever. The mistake people make is ruining it by getting married.
Choice! Its all about choice. I’ve been with my partner for 26 years now. We’re not engaged and have no plans to be married. But, just like any other human rights, Its none of my business what others choose to do. Say like abortion. I could never choose to harm a baby. But others choose to do it with what seems to be little thought. I never wanted marriage ,but others crave it. Now my job is forcing me to get married so I can have health benefits for my partner. Marriage is legal now. So, if want benefits for my partner I need to get married. Im older and never saw marriage as anything I wanted. I was grateful to be liberated from the social pressure of having to do so. But younger gay men seem to think that marriage will somehow validate them. Make them,”so called normal”. Like society will accept them more because they are legitimately married. Maybe Im jaded, but most of society will always see you as a fag. Marriage or not. I personally think you should live together a few years before jumping in. But its your choice. No answer is wrong if both people choose it together. Thats what a relationship is after all. Two people making choices that affect both of their lives and agreeing to live by those choices. Even when those choices don’t feel good all of the time. To me. Engagements and marriage are secondary to the relationship. If you don’t know how to be in a relationship then you’re no different from the young naive bride who has her fantasy Disney wedding she planned when she was 12 years old and she’s getting married to a hard living rocker type dude. She thinks she can change him by her love instead of getting real and making sure they can actually be together. Its all a FANTASY. Only by living your relationships day by day can you transform the reality into your own FANTASY. Do what you want! It’s 2016 and this is America.
I hate to bring up cocks, but I saw “How Long is Too Long…” and I clicked on it. Oh dopey me……. Smile people; life is short…
HOW LONG IS TO LONG? Well we met I was 19 years old. I knew the moment I met him. That he was the one. After 3 years together I got on one knee and asked. He said NO. Ok cool. 5 years comes along he then gets on his knee and of course like a little girl I expected. We didn’t get married for anothe whole 5years. So in total 10years to get married and now 3 years married and 13 years together. We bought our first home together. We have 2 dogs and hopefully some kids soon.
Not being a commitmentphobe or anything, but having me say ‘yes’ would prolly make YOU run the other way. Lets keep things at ‘exclusive relationship’ for as long as possible thank you
“walk down the aisle”? Im confused, I thought we all hated religion and churches. People on our side attack them any chance they get. People of faith refuse to bake our “wedding” cakes and we have them put out of business (how tolerant of us). Now we want to walk down their aisles? Hum, are we hypocrites? Maybe next week you can follow up with “How Long After the Ceremony Does it Become an Open Relationship?”
R.I.P. marriage.
So we spend decades telling people it’s our life, our choice to be bi or gay and then we seek input on yet another personal decision? How strange.
Engagement is a commitment to be faithful, true, loyal and honest with a partner. In some cultures requires a commitment ceremony (marriage), but that’s not always the case.
The length of this engagement period should be decided by the two individuals who are coming together as one. There is no right or wrong answer it’s how long they are comfortable with this engagement Period before they publicly ask friends and family to witness their vows together.
1year is long enough.
But why buy the cow when you get the milk for free. Nothing seems to fuck up a friendship faster then marriage.
Blog person
It’s not about me and i never said anything about fucking. ??
Scott : Why call these posts stupid? Imagine the guy who wrote it and see your comment, how does it makes him feel? Be nice with other A4A members. I dont mind you give your opinion, but be nice.
Dave
I guess it depends on how lavish the wedding and reception will be. If there is just cause for having to wait for the reception hall to be available, or their is a special reason to wait for a certain date I can see waiting, but if the wedding will be small with just a few close friends, there is absolutely no reason for a long engagement. If the couple isn’t ready for marriage, the are not really engaged-they are just going steady.
This may come as a surprise to some, but there are gay couples who actually do get married for religious reasons. Many churches do not exclude gays. Religion is a part of their lives. Probably just as much of a surprise as some gays voting for Republicans … and even being members of the Republican Party. It’s 2016.
This is a great topic to discuss and i will have agree about the length of time of engagement and it all depends on if the person who lives in another state or building a stronger relationship/commitment. Sometimes you just don’t want to lose the person and waiting to see if you can live with the person or regret it before you jump the broom?
Any more than 2 years and you got a shut the fuck up ring.
Palos, I totally understand what you’re saying. I had two friends who were lovers, but never married (it was not legal then) both of their families were close to them, they had no will or any kind of an agreement. Unfortunately, one of them died from cancer, and you got it, only the name of the deceased partner was on the mortgage. After the funeral, the family of the deceased partner changed the locks of the lover’s home, and gave the living partner nothing! No one, I mean no one, saw this coming. Before the death, the family included the living partner in all their family functions and said they loved him. I would dare say, that if the lovers were married and if there was no will, this would not of happened.
Wow Dave, Scott’s right. It is stupid and your reaction to him is what’s wrong with society. He disagreed with you and you flames all over his ass with highly ignorant comments. He said he thought it was stupid which it is. Two people decide what is the right time for them. Not society. You are trying to have a topic that allows society to dictate. Shame on you I’ve said it before on ymthis blog and you blocked it grow up stop stereotyping and trying to make gay society j to everything that society hates. We are people first sexuality isn’t a definition of who we are.