Health: “I Dont Want To Date An HIV Positive Guy”
Andrew from Dallas writes, “I don’t want to be rude, but I just don’t want to date a guy with HIV. How can I turn him down without hurting his feelings?”
First, I am glad that you asked such a difficult question and I commend you for your honesty. It is one thing to talk about this issue with your supposed HIV-negative friends, but it is quite another to ask an openly HIV-positive person such a question. The truth is, it is your prerogative to date whomever you wish and no one has the right to shame you for your decisions.
However, you asked how you could reject someone because he is HIV-positive in a polite manner. In order to do so, you need to inquire about a person’s status during the first meeting if not sooner. It is not up to the person to disclose their status to you before sex enters into the equation, so if you are trying to weed out HIV-positive folks, you need to screen your date as early as possible. Ask what their HIV-status is in a text or give them a call so that you can turn the situation into a friendly vibe before letting the romantic feels set in.
But before you relax and proceed to your dating life as normal, it is important to figure out why you are against dating someone who is HIV-positive. If it is to protect yourself from getting HIV, it’s my obligation to warn you about your false sense of security. The truth is, 91 percent of new infections stem from a person who is either unaware of their HIV status or has yet to begin treatment. And from someone who knows a thing or two about reading into statistics, it would be safe to assume that a person who has yet to start treatment would also be hesitant to disclose their HIV status when asked. It’s not science, but I’d put 20 bucks on it anyway.
You may think this next thing I am going to say is just a ploy to convince you to date poz guys, but you and your sexual health would be remiss to dismiss it. A person who willingly discloses their HIV status to you and who has achieved an undetectable viral load through treatment is probably your safest bet for two reasons. One, because they gave you the information you need to take the proper steps to protect yourself, whatever your method of protection may be. Two, because there has never been even one reported case of a person with an undetectable viral load transmitting the virus.
If, however, the reasons you don’t want to date an HIV-positive person have nothing to do with the safety of your sexual health, then by all means, avoid them. Maybe you don’t want people thinking that you are HIV-positive. Maybe you are too afraid to be with someone who has dealt with such hefty life issues. Don’t feel bad about it; you do you. It doesn’t matter, because any self-respecting person with HIV probably wouldn’t want to be with you either.
There is one thing, though, that you may be surprised to find. As more people become educated about HIV and invested in fighting the stigma that comes with living with it, you may find HIV-negative guys who are turned off by your “negative only” mentality.
But I digress… Find out their status right away and end things before they begin. That way, you save yourself from getting to know someone who has a disease that has nothing to do with the person he is, and he can find someone who is worth his time.
TYLER CURRY
(Tyler is the senior editor of HIV Equal Online, an online publication that covers news and views central to issues related to sexual health and HIV awareness. To learn more about the HIV Equal, visit www.hivequal.com or follow Tyler Curry on Facebook or Twitter at @iamtylercurry.)
Guys, you need to understand that Tyler (the writer) is being sarcastic in this article. So pay attention to the tone and don’t take it to first degree.
Sorry to disagree with you, Dave (Blog), but I read the article twice. I don’t see the sarcastic tone. It sounds like Tyler is coming down hard on anyone (HIV-) who is uncomfortable playing with someone who is HIV+.
I’d like to know…so safe sex would always be utilized….and HIV positive wouldn’t really matter to me if everything else “clicked”.
A person isn’t their disease…whether physical or mental. It’s just something they carry along with them…like a shirt or jacket. Adjusting to what they have tagging along with them is no big deal if you’re really into them and they are into you. It’s called love.
I think that it is his prerogative on who he wants to date. When first getting to know someone, it’s best to disclose everything that you are looking for in a person so that they can determine if they are a good match. And something that Dave (and many gay men in general) needs to realize is, just because the guy wants to go out on a date with him, doesn’t mean that the guy wants to have sex with you nor does it mean he wants a lifelong commitment with you. A date is simply that…a date. So Dave really needs to calm down and be honest and tell the guy that he’s really not interested that way in him and get on in the dating pool. The fact is, Dave may not be such a great catch himself, hence him being currently single. And I’m not saying that in a mean way, but in a realistic way.
I sensed the sarcasm right away; I also watched the video & thought it was funny & quite typical of some of the attitudes that I’ve encountered – have been poz since 1988. The lack of knowledge about HIV among gay men still confounds me.
I have educated myself and have done a lot of research regarding playing with a Hiv positive person. That being said I am a total top. I will not ever put on a condom to play. Is that risky? Without a doubt. But that is my decision. Would I play with a Hiv positive man? Yes I would. Honesty is always the best policy. What will always amazes me it the profiles on here that say safe sex only but willing to take your raw cock and load based on the fact you where tested clean 3 months ago. ( And that is totally based on one word).
I (without judgement) always assume that the men I am playing with is Hiv positive.
Whether the author is being sarcastic or not, the point that people seem to be missing is that someone wrote in with good intentions and got either a very snarky or a very bitter reply -and not much of an answer to his honest question. How is that helping the situation? Will this reply make the questioner more open and accepting of HIV+ people? I doubt it…
I can certainly understand how someone living with HIV could grow tired of rejection -especially on the basis of long-outdated medical information and decades-old fear. But I think the solution is to provide up-to-date, accurate medical information on the one hand, and legitimate answers to the original question on the other. For example:
“The best way to not hurt someone else’s feelings is to bring this issue up as early as possible in your relationship, and take full ownership of your feelings. Be prepared to explain to the other man why you have this hangup, and what you’ve tried to do to get over it. If you can’t put it into words, try talking with a counselor to pinpoint exactly what your issues are.”
That’s off the cuff, but I think it’s a way better answer that might actually help the original poster more that this blog entry.
fshepinc : Yeah I get what you mean. But I also agree with the author of the article… As gay men we NEED to know everything about HIV. My doctor in Montreal told me that they made a study in Montreal and other big cities. From what he told me between 1-2 out of 10 knew they were poz, but 2-3 out of 10 did’nt know that they have HIV. The combination is almost 40-50%. We need to educate ourselves because when we know that we have HIV, we take medications and we lower the risk of transmission.
Dave
For me, it depends on what is meant by “date”. If it’s a movie/dinner date, activity date (e.g., travel, sports activity, social event, party), then absolutely yes. However, if the date entails sex, then no.
What works for me, and what might not work for others, is I’ve thought long and hard on this and over decades. I’ve have come to this conclusion. I asked myself if I would date someone that had the flu, and of course I wouldn’t. I’d wait until after he was well and had stopped shedding the flu virus. But this isn’t the flu, the infection won’t disappear.
And it’s not just the brave guys that accurately state their positive status, it includes all men. Those that “dont know”, are undetectable, on PreP, or lie about being negative. And since no sex is the only form of safe sex, then sex is no longer an option for me. Period.
The risks, to me, outweigh the benefits. So bring on the non-sexual dates.
“It doesn’t matter, because any self-respecting person with HIV probably wouldn’t want to be with you either.”
whoever wrote this certainly isn’t in a position to be giving advice to other people.
“I don’t want to date an HIV positive guy,” something that I’ve heard so many times in the last 10 years. I was diagnosed as poz in 2006 and the shunning from gay men was immediate and, ironically, a greater impact than the virus turned out to be. I was lucky enough to start right away on Truvada and Sustiva and my viral load plunged into the undetectable range within two months of taking the pills; as long as I take my meds each night AIDS will never hit me and I’ll never infect anyone else. Becoming a social pariah among the rest of the community has been a real education.
Fear of HIV/AIDS is normal but these are not the ’80s. HIV is no longer a death sentence but most of the gay men I’ve met can’t comprehend that poz men actively taking treatment aren’t monsters.
Then there is tantric sex which is safer, more intense and more spiritual.
It is not about ejaculating but about internal orgasms that are greater than the regular ejaculation. Check it out. It is the best sex there is.
This discussion has changed my mind about the taboo of having sex with HIV+ men.
I will be poz 23 years in November with an undetectable viral load. I’ve been involved in a lot of dating situations over those years. Mr. Curry does inject a dose of sarcasm into his article, but a lot of what he says sadly rings true – most notably where he states that those of us who are honest, open, and show concern about the well-being of our potential partner through disclosure are a “best-bet”. To me, the HIV issue is one that can be managed and worked through with good communication, trust, and responsibility. Aren’t those qualities that are supposed to be at the core of any relationship? I’m 47 years old and still hopeful that I will one day meet “the” man, poz or neg, who will be able to look past the HIV as a non-issue and see me for all of the great things I will bring to our relationship.
And that is 100% OK. To say that is wrong is to be intolerant.
i am versatile and still negative after many years of playing with many different guys. i always prefered guys who are positive and undetectable. if i play with a “negative” guy -which happens rarely – i only play safe to protect myself. Playing unsafe with a so called negative guy is playing russian roulette to me and i have studied many literatures regarding transmission and have to agree with the blogger that there is not one single case where an undetectable person transmitted the virus.
Have some experience on this issue because I’m a poz guy who has dated on both sides of the viral spectrum. Have been impressed that the negative guys I’ve dated are knowledgeable and open to discussing transmission possibilities. This is commendable. As for Andrew (the subject of the blog), he should only date (read: have sex with) men with whom he feels comfortable. If positive guys don’t fall into that category, he should date genuinely negative guys who are frequently tested and play safe.
He should also be aware that the landscape is changing, with new information about the chances of transmission being lower than thought of, even a couple of years ago — at least by an undetectable poz person having sex with a negative person — Tyler covers this in his blog. Now, Truvada (prEP) has been added as a way of further protecting oneself. All of this — for me, at least — still presumes playing safely, although there seems to be no totally-agreed-upon standard for what “safe” means.
Keep in mind that Andrew’s and other guy’s concerns might not be just about the physical probabilities of becoming infected. There is the psychological weight that some feel to varying degrees after they have had even the safest sex with a positive guy. I wouldn’t presume to minimize that.
Hope every negative guy will take the time to learn about the real dangers of contracting HIV (and other STDs) and keep up with developments in the war on HIV, Hep C., etc..
As for me personally, I’m never offended if a negative guy isn’t comfortable playing with me because of my status. Not interested in increasing his anxiety level or my own. We all have different comfort levels with HIV (and other issues that pop up, such as alcohol and drug use). I disclose my status up front in my various profiles, and let the chips fall. That’s the way I roll; others might prefer to do it differently.
P.S. Thought Tyler’s advice was sensible, reasonable, and wise. Like that he kept it light. Keep up the good work.
I guess I understand the sarcastic part, but it feels like someone asking a simple question is getting railed for it. Honestly I’m not sure why guys get so anti HIV these days. To say you won’t even go on a date with someone who is poz is kind of lame, but it is a transmitted disease so maybe guys feel that they don’t want to put themselves at a risk. Like if someone in the room had a cold, I might go somewhere else because I don’t want to catch it. I won’t die from it. I just don’t want a cold, you know?
I do agree with blog or dave or whoever wrote that comment, I like to be in a safe relation and I think is very irresponsible of tyler curry about misleading other gay men about undetectable virus, we are not talking about a flu virus at all, is HIV disease it kills if let untreated after a while, his allegations here(tyler) mislead not the infected ones only but the healthy ones as well, let’s stop promoting unsafe sex just because your doctor want to make you feel better by telling you it is ok having sex unprotected because your not going to infect others, lets all learn to be responsible and if hiv infected men want to have intercourse they should do it safe, I knoe they are infected and they don’t care anymore since the damaged has been done to them. let’s all use protection.
I don’t see the sarcastic tone, either, and because of the seriousness of this subject, I find that a sarcastic tone in an article about HIV to be highly inappropriate. I am negative and I get checked frequently. While there may be safe ways to date/play with a poz guy, I won’t do that because I am responsible for my body and want to keep me healthy. That being said, I have researched thus I very and I very again, and still find no justification in being careless or exposing myself to risk. Bottom line — nothing is fool-proof. Better to be safe and not get involved wyhj someone poz than it is to get down the road with him and endure risk.
Just stating that you don’t feel and Chemistry and would prefer to be friends is sufficient.
I was diagnosed July of this year with HIV. Meds are working and my viral load is MUCH better. But, I’m afraid to even go on a date. How do I approach this?
The gay community could solve 90% of the hiv problem with simple personal responsibility. But it’s easier to be promiscuous and unsafe, expect obamacare to provide meds and blame republicans.
Its not just about transmission risk, I don’t want to date someone who will get sick from those meds everyone seems so fond of. Or, will have terrible complications that wreck lives when the virus does finally assert its self. And, it will, the immune system does age and weaken too. We have been lulled into a false sense of security by this whole “its not a death sentence thing”. Young people are getting infected more, we need to preach the safety issue and get people involved with avoiding new infections, not just get them on Prep but let them know that they need testing, to avoid stupid sexual situations and not to do drugs like Meth. I’ve met a few Poz guys that lied about how they got it too. How am I supposed to believe that your “undetectable” (Which is rapidly becoming popular but is just as unprovable as saying your negative before sex without paperwork on you) if you lie about the fact you got it from a night of drugs and gangbangs?
Alex, you think every poz guy is a slut whore? U are wrong.Some guys caught it because their BF cheated or from a condom that broke etc.
Ken, it’s normal to go through a transition period after learning you have HIV. Take it slow, work on your health, and join poz groups that support men like us. The dating game will still be there when you are ready to date again. Being undetectable — that can be your first goal, and it will happen. Disclosure — when and how — is crucial, and poz groups like UB2 on Meetup offer good advice.
Part of the problem stems from an agenda to diminish the *consequences* of both behavior and the treatment for HIV infection. The drugs which treat the disease are poison, and people have an unquestionable right to protect themselves from both infection and the need to take daily doses of poison to stay alive (and to not infect others with a lethal virus). Accountability is individual. A choice not to allow intimate contact with HIV+ individuals must not be branded as “intolerant,” and those who engage in unsafe behaviors and oppose any attempt to control infection rates are as guilty of attempted murder as any religious fanatic in a suicide vest.
The way you talk Randy you must be a Republican.
awesome Blog!!!!!!! its articles like this that go a long way to battle stigma…HIV doesn NOT define a person..if its dating you want,you should ask a persons status before you become intimate.. before you discount a hiv person please keep in mind by saying NO, you may loose a potential great friend.. lets all be educated in hiv first before dating..get the facts and enjoy life.
To those that don’t get the comment,”It doesn’t matter, because any self-respecting person with HIV probably wouldn’t want to be with you either,”…think of it this way…if you both start out negative and one person gets cancer, MS, Parkinson’s, ALS or any other illness…well, if you can’t deal with HIV how will you deal with any of these other things. It’s life…we all will have an end point. What happens when you’re negative partner has an accident and becomes paralyzed…where will you be…the other room or out the door. If you won’t date someone that has the flu or even be in the same room…then you must’ve never had the flu and needed someone to go to the store or cook some chicken soup for you. You love someone because you can’t help it. After being positive I lived with my negative ex again. I had a fever and the chills…my ex went to the store to buy some chicken noodle soup, but would not take the time to boil the water for me because he couldn’t wait to be with his smoking/drinking buddies. Well, when he got bladder cancer I needed to do more than boil water for him…I needed to put the wafer on his stoma because he could not. I sat with him while he had chemo. Sadly, he passed away. He had been a smoker and yet was afraid of getting HIV. I was happy I could help him…but, I never forgot that he wouldn’t boil the water for me as I stood shaking with the chills and did it myself. Having said that…I remember he did go to the store and buy
the soup. And, I must also add that when he needed a feeding tube…I just couldn’t handle that…it scared me. So, that’s my story as a positive man living with his negative ex partner. When I was a young, negative man in my early twenties I had danced in a bar. The manager of that bar was bald and had a rare form of stomach cancer. What I saw was the way he looked at me as I danced on the bar…I fell in love with him and to this day remember the way he looked at me and long to have that feeling again. So…if you can’t be with me because I have HIV/Aids…why would I want to be with you. You know nothing about love.
In the above post I should have typed…what happens when “your” negative partner…I do know the difference.