Speak Out : Preferences And Etiquette
(This post was written by MakeMeABird, A4A member and regular collaborator)
It’s difficult when you’re not a perfect 10. I’m guessing most of us fit into this category while a larger percentage of gay guys only THINK they are perfect 10s and then we just get into a whole mess of ego and attitude. Believe me, I’ve met some Quasimodos who walked around like the most beautiful peacocks in the zoo. Now…I think I’m a solid 6, possibly a 7 on a really good day. I feel like I’m handsome and i’m comfortable if people say that. I’m uncomfortable when people say I’m “hot” because I don’t think that’s really true. I’ve met some hot guys and that’s not my category. But handsome…that seems appropriate. I’m comfortable with that.
In the gay world, especially on apps and websites we have this phrase we use, “sorry, not my preference” and we feel like this magical phrase will eliminate all hurt and “OUCH” statements that precede it. “I’m not into black guys…sorry just my preference” or “I’m not into fat slobs…don’t get mad, it’s just my preference”. I’m HIV positive so I’ve had my fair share of it. “Not into disgusting whores, sorry just not my preference” (which I find hysterical, considering their profiles…pot? kettle? But I digress…)
In the end, we DO prefer certain things and there is no rule that we HAVE to have sex with someone just because they ask for it. What a mess that would be! Attraction is exactly that and it’s rarely something that we can control. I do believe that many of us have a very narrow tunnel of attraction and if we opened our mind a little we could find ourselves attracted to men that we would normally have written off. But this requires maturity and intelligence, and I don’t feel mean in saying that generally on hook up websites and apps those things aren’t a requirement. It’s not bad, but it’s kind of cut-to-the-chase. We’re there to hook up, so it eliminates a great deal of the dating, courting, getting to know you type stuff; that’s what they’re designed to do. “Hey, wanna fuck?” “Sure do!” Ta-daaaaa, banging ensues, intelligence not necessarily required.
If I’m not attracted to someone, it’s okay. There’s no rule that says I have to be. It’s a hard truth, but I want to be attractive to every guy that’s out there and in reality…well, I’m not. Some guys are attracted to me. Some HOT guys are attracted to me; that’s always fun. But more often than not the guys I drool over aren’t really that interested in banging. You know what? That’s okay. They aren’t required to tell me I’m handsome. They aren’t required to cater to my insecurities. They aren’t required to have sex with me or to adhere to my own personal code of morals or etiquette. And as irritating as that may be, I have to be realistic about my own image, my comfort level in how other people see me, and knowing that if I reach for the sun I could get toasty or I might get burned.
For all the beautiful, fit, muscled, hot guys out there, though…I challenge you to maintain a certain level of decorum. You’re not required to sleep with anyone who gives you a compliment, but it does take a certain level of courage to push “send” when someone wants to say hi. Self-awareness isn’t something we’ve all cultivated so it can be devastating when we get rejected. I’m not saying to baby people…and I’m certainly not saying to fuck everyone. But there’s a better way to let someone know you’re not interested than “fuck off you nasty queen! You’re disgusting!” which is just rude. And for all the not-10s out there…don’t get so offended when someone says they’re not interested. There are plenty of gay guys around – a lot of them aren’t even on the apps at all! Finding a good one might feel like Unsolved Mysteries but there are good gay guys out there who will give you a chance. Constantly going after guys who you know aren’t interested in you doesn’t prove a point about those guys…it only sets you up for heartbreak and ugly realism.
There’s a healthy balanced line in there somewhere that we constantly cross over or smudge or just spit on. But if we recognize it and adjust ourselves to it, I think it would solve a lot of the angst and heartbreak that we often put ourselves in.
-MakeMeABird-
I’m sorry but there is no such thing as racial preferences. Men are men and I can understand size and shape but when you start getting into. “I’m not into blks, whites, etc” you’re actually racially profiling because it has nothing to do with the person themselves just the stereotypes and assumptions one has about race… It’s sad that is still an issue in 2015
A completely apropos topic for this site and the others. Common courtesy is something that’s not only evaporated in the gay scene post-epidemic, but in society in general. NOT that there weren’t scads of vicious queens back in MY day, for certain! But yes, things are decidedly FAR less congenial in the gay scene now, especially on these sites! Of course, there are limits to rudeness in a bar situation; people tend to mind their manners more in public and when facing someone “in real life” than they do hidden in their own burrow behind a computer monitor. I’ve gotten such zingers oh here as, “Why don’t you old bitches just DIE already? This is OUR time, you need to just go away.” Now, admittedly, this was from a Millennial methhead, one of the biggest social problem children we have these days, but still…you NEVER would’ve gotten THAT in a bar back in “the day” without someone other than the recipient taking issue immediately. Of course, the alternative to cheeky comebacks or outright rude statements like that is to just ignore people, which, as I recall, was pretty much de reguere back when cruising in a bar. Sometimes silence is indeed golden. As Mom always said, “If you can’t say anything NICE, keep your maw SHUT!” Mom was right, and the young ‘uns these days, who obviously never got that lesson, should take note. Love to see the responses on this one!
I have been pleasantly surprised at how pleasant and courteous most guys are on the computer websites. I have indded met some rude and discourteous guys, but they are a minority. May not be everyone’s experience, but has been mine.
very well said….haven’t we all “been there, done that”?
Another person complaining because you’re not someone’s preference. Are we as a community really so shallow? I guess so.
How uneducated to assume someone is a slut because of hiv.
Good Job–
I usually don’t comment on these but this is one of the best blogs I’ve read in a while. Very well worded and true and is if it was just what I needed. I know longer let the “sorry not into….” Tag line Get to me; I just look at it, laugh and say to myself “sorry that’s your loss”. Gays can so superficial and bullies without even knowing it.
So my racial preferences vs racial discrimination post was deleted. Hmmmmm…
Whenever I see someone with a list of requirements and limitations I have to ask myself if anyone is hit on that much? Even in my best-looking days, I could pretty easily keep up with the people who wrote and still have plenty of free time left by which to feel rejected by the majority of people. I don’t understand why anyone would advertise what they won’t tolerate. (Particularly racially — jesus, most of those people will object to being called racist.) It’s shameful. You don’t have to respond to people who don’t interest you (which is kind of dickish) or you can say “thanks, not interested,” without professing your personal douchebaggery.
Great insight. I feel guilty and hurt at the same time. Been on both sides of the candle
This is something that I have done my own research on. As a young gay black male living in the south I’ve never seen so many ignorant man who claimed that they want univeral equality and yet the degrade other races who are not white. And constantly there drfence is “I’m not into black guys “but behind their back so they call us the N-word and think we deserve less than them, Gay men already are narcissistic and have a sense of entitlement however with all my research the main aggressors and instigators are white males. As White privilege and racism seeped to the culture of gay it only makes things even worse, I want to present my findings to the LGBT committee south to let them know if they’re so about improving the gay community this is a topic they need to face. Thank you very much for bringing this out this is something people are afraid to talk about mainly because if they feel the way that was speaking out against they have to face their own ignorance
I don’t understand why men don’t read the profile first. I know when a guy 300 lbs over weight writes me he hasn’t read mine.
I am just not into obese men. Not saying that an obese man can’t be great guy but just doesn’t attract me.
I don’t approach men who say they want a man under 40. That’s their preference.
I have had one guy approach me twice and he writes hi. I answer sorry just don’t think we are a good match. Then he always gets upset. I just said hi.
So I block him.
The other thing that bugs me is if a guy is a long distance from me. It is too far so why bother. I tend to think those are scammers.
Just say what you like and not what you don’t like. For example, Asians+++ or to the front of the line; or looking for other white guys. Big enough hint, right?
One of the funniest things I see is “looking for whites or latinos.” Does this include Latino-non-Caucasian or only the ones that “pass?”
If you say you are not into a particular group, not all of them would be flocking to your door anyway.
Sure, most of us have our preferences but we can’t be ugly or tactless about it.
Your absolutely right! When someone says “sorry not interested ” I say ok no problem have a good day! ” everybody is not going to match up. But you don’t have to be rude. I try to be nice because it’s the right thing to do. Some of the most beautiful guys can have a ugly inside and that makes them ugly inside and out! And the way a response is written will bring it to light. I just want some 1 on 1 compatible sex without the negativity!
Preferences, we all have our preferences and how we present them should be in a respectable manner. Etiquette, at all M4M sites etiquette doesn’t exist, if someone checks out your profile, say thanks and where it goes from there, you may have found what you’re looking for. As for the people who I have talked with, have the common courtesy to say not interested or Hell, just make something up I don’t care. But when I send messages to people who say they want to get together with me and tell them well in advance I’m available and I get no answer and pretty much completely ignored, that really is rude and immature and it pisses me the fuck off. So let’s try to have more respect for others when here or on any other site.
Very well written. A mature conversation about a topic we’ve all encountered at some point during our online cruising…
I try not to ignore messages sent to be but sometimes after I reply sorry not interested I get rude replies back so I may ignore a few if they aren’t my type. I wish people took rejection better. I know I’m not a 10 and even if I was I still wouldn’t expect person to want to have sex with me just human nature we are attracted to certain types. I prefer muscle and silver bears but have bent over for a few furry twinks and hung not so attractive men.
Great post! Getting rejected is never easy -Nor is it easy to tell someone you’re not interested. It helps to be polite and friendly (“Hey -Thanks for saying ‘hi’. Don’t think we’d be a good match, but good luck in the quest!”). Even then you sometimes get an angry response. The point should be to be honest and respectful. That’s what we want for ourselves, right?
It’s also important to make your interests and expectations clear in your profile -and to actually read a guy’s profile before you send off a message. My profile says I don’t get along well with smokers. Only once has anybody ever had a problem with that. And more times than I can count I’ve seen totally hot guys here who sound like they’d be interested in me too (!) who are smokers, and I have to fight the urge to try to connect. Smoking really is a deal killer for me, and hooking up with a hot guy who smokes would be dishonest -I’d be using him, and sending the message that what I write in my profile isn’t really meant to be taken seriously. If you really don’t want to hang with a guy over/under a certain age/height/weight/dick size/whatever, it’s perfectly appropriate to say so in your profile -as long as you say it without putting people down. Phrases like “don’t be creepy”, “don’t be a disgusting old guy”, and “no sluts -you know who you are”don’t really help. Those things are all in the eye of the beholder.
Finally, learn how to take a compliment when you get one. Sometimes I see a man on here who is so gorgeous that I just have to say “Woof!” or “Wow!”. I have absolutely no expectation of hooking up with them. They’re way out of my league. But the other day one surprised me with a very polite reply that ended up turning into a brief conversation. Not only was he a Greek god, he was nice! I wanted him all the more for it, but in life we don’t always get what we want. Instead he left me feeling good about him, and about myself. Maybe he took one look at my pic and thought, “Ugh -Troll!” but he said, ‘Thank you.” We need more of that here.
Wow, interesting how you framed your perspective. You claim that it requires maturity and intelligence to be ‘open minded’ about who we are attracted to. Does that make many of us immature and unintelligent regarding our own preferences towards attraction simply because our preferences discriminate against subsets of men?
How about simply respecting and accepting each other’s preferences, period? No value judgement framing involved?
And for whoever does feel compelled to reject an admirer in a polite way, I suggest this: “Hi, thanks for the message but we’re not a match. Take care.”
Something tangential: regarding older men who get upset when they get rejected by the younger men they hit on, thinking that the younger men should be more “open minded” about the age of the men they find attractive, at the same time these same older men’s preferences are of guys who are younger than them, and that they would never even touch an older man their age, or worse, older than they are. What hypocrites.
I don’t know . . . maybe it’s just me but I just love men! I don’t really have a preference that would be a total deal breaker when I am really into a guy.
I’d held off dating a guy who was unattractive facially and was a little out of shape. I though he was a really sweet guy and that we could be platonic (no sex at all) friends. Well, he was a great cook and made me laugh. I let him kiss me which somehow made my pants and underwear and the shirt I was wearing end up on a chair. The sex was INCREDIBLE! We were both having financial difficulties and ended up moving away from each other due to work opportunities. I miss him sometimes but I am so happy for him that he found a guy to marry.
I’m attracted to muscles, body hair and foreskins but not so much that I don’t miss out on great guys. Race is never an issue although I keep stats on myself to ensure that I am an an equal opportunity kind of guy and just so I can say I’ve been with someone from almost every race as well as type. Short guys, tall guys, fat guys, skinny guys it doesn’t matter to me I’ll find something attractive with the personality which carries the day much longer than looks. I still have to round out my stats with a redhead, Native American and a disabled guy. Then I will really feel that I’ve accomplished something!
I’m sorry but in a lot of ways I’ve given up on trying to find the answer to this question. The gay community is too flawed for me to care. We always talk about equality, yet we’ve failed time and time again. The values of gay community isnt all inclusive, it’s a lie. We get mad when the world looks down up on us, yet we are still talking about issues of preference.
If we can not develop a way to build up people up after telling them we’re not attracted to them, then we don’t deserve respect from the rest of the world. We still use umbrella terms to turn away a lot of guys who don’t fit into the what the gay community thinks as standard (white, inshape, wealthy, cis-gendered men).
Honestly, If we are really still fussing over this topic, it just another sign that we really aren’t that advanced after all.
If someone has a healthy self esteem, its normal for them to be attracted to people similar to themselves. For instance, I’m black and 90% of the time attracted to black men. There are not a lot of black men where I am (trying to move). They black guys get their feelings hurt a lot here but they don’t get it. It’s NATURAL for people to be attracted to your image. It’s UNNATURAL to be in a place where you are not represented and expect those around you to magically adapt because you happen to be horny at the time. Bears attract bears. Muscle attracts muscle. Black attracts black and so on. People who are horny in the moment want to be the exception. They want to be sexually embraced wherever they find themselves. They want convenience. But more times than not, the NATURAL rule is always going to take precedence over the exception. A black man is my 1st choice because that’s what I grew up around, that’s who I am, and that’s what I enjoy. Carry on
Thanks for this post. I’ve felt like this for years, and when a hot guy does approach me, I would think that it’s some joke or something.
I mostly agree with this author. I feel as if I have responded to someone a couple of times, and as long as they have been nice, respectful, and civil, i owe them an answer, even if that answer is no. My typical go to canned response is: “I thank you for your response(s), however you were not quite what I had in mind when I: logged on tonight/placed my ad(which ever one applies), but I do wish you the best of luck in your own search and hope you have a great: day/evening(again, which ever applies).” I know this is a rejection, but there is no reason to just be outright mean or insulting especially when you havn’t been provoked by them. There are times I simply don’t respond to messages I get, but a majority of them are just so brash and assuming, and there is a big difference in my book between being forward and being an asshole. I don’t mind guys who are forward, but at least say hello in your first message and if you want my attention, a good joke or intelligent observation gets my attention just as quick as a nice chest and 8 pack abs.
By the way I am no 10 myself and I am quite aware of it, I’m just saying theres no reason to be offensive, even though there might be a good chance you will never meet this person in real life, but you never know, also it never hurts to be classy and it’s always best not to burn bridges.
When I get a smile or something from someone I am not interested in I am generally up front maybe to forward…but I thank them for their email or smile and say I am not interested and wish them the best in their search…and move on….most of the time that works for me and if someone says that back to me I am ok with that…if they are rude, …that says a lot about that person…so for me I am thankful that they showed me who they really are.
Remember looks are great….but can be deceiving….
There are more to a person than just looks….
I agree getting mad is just a waste of time because many say I just want a friend. To me friend means just that and no sex. They act lonely but the want a certain type friend. People are just rude, I can be a friend to anyone but when comes to sex handsome or good looking does nothing for me. I only date fems and transgenders which most here seem to hate. I’m wise enough to sense when someone is interested in me so I usually ask are you fem or masc. When they say masc , my response is you are handsome good looking man but we can only be friends because I’ve never been with a masc. Then hate begins by calling me sick which is funny because minutes earlier they were trying to ride or suck my dick…LOL I get sent too many dick pictures, I got one of those to view, even though I like ass I prefer a face picture and if you are interested in me be ready for foreplay with all the trimming prior to sex if that happens at all. One last thing being submissive is not being fem. Even if you’re fem but look manly or are hairy pass me by. Guess it’s true we all have preferences.
What works for me is just saying “no thanks” with no justification when I propositioned, also I don’t have a lot of “you must haves” or “you must be” demands on my profile, because honestly guys never read it anyway, I know what I like and don’t like, I like meeting all types of guys whether I find them sexual attractive or not,I don’t have to be rude and dehumanizing, if I don’t, maybe its a Southern thang, or a maturity thing I dunno. Personally there are times we could go back to our ancient tribal mores of “if someone asks for sex the first time, you do it, the second time, your choice.
It’s not just etiquette, it’s karma. You never know who knows who online. The guy you shot down with ‘as if, grandpa!’ could be best friends with the hot guy you’ve been lusting after.
I have a mental list of guys I’d turn down, based on their treatment of guys I know, and I bet I’m not the only one.
It does not take any time or effort to respond with ‘no, thank you.’ It’s clear, it’s polite, it’s how grown men behave.
If they ask again, ‘no, thank you, I’m not interested’ is appropriate. Third time, block without responding.
There are less-rude ways of denying access to men who are not like you. ‘Seeks similar/looking for a guy like me’ has less sting of (pre)judgment to it.
And for those guys who think they’re all that, trust me when I say that things change. On my old phone I had a collage of pics of myself at 17, 27, 37 and 47. Used to forward it to guys who presumed that their beauty was transcendent, immortal and universal. The only caption necessary?
Tick tock.
I like this post. Informative and well written. I do have to say to Dee that sometimes there ARE racial preferences. I have lots of black friends, however, I have never been with a black man. Yes, it’s a preference. Nothing to be taken offensively – just I like white dicks. I don’t really like those of darker color…it’s just me. Not racist whatsoever. It’s like I prefer bottom over top. Preferences.
Well written.
We should be careful on how we judge the cover without reading the book.
Fshepinc seemed to have comments that i mostly agree with. This blog entry was appropriate i think as i think guys do have real preferences (yes i do too) in psoosible hookup partners. I think there is a lot of lack of self awareness by guys and lack of honesty with themselves about what they look like and how they market themselves. The whole blatant preference thing is a discriminator for people, just freaking accept that without the need for thin skin and being insulted by it. Also guys just plain do not read a profile it seems, if they did they could avoid so much agony and rejection but they do bring some of their own grief on themselves because they dont have any shred of civility while being horned up.. so three things guys can do to save on being all butt hurt and stupid…1. read the profile first to get a clue. 2. You need to get yourself an honest self assessment about yourself and not an ego driven one… i know im not all that and i get called hot all the time, it bugs me because im not hung up only on my own image. And 3. Be realistic in your expectations when you message someone, but learn to accept that guys do have people have preferences and biases, get over it if they advertise that they do… i have mine and am unashamed of them and really dont care if someone is uninterested in me…im mostly uninterested in many guys myself. Fastest way to turn me off to you, is failing to be coherent and civil when you try to chat me up or message me.
A bunch of fat old cunts crying about how they’re butthurt. Maybe y’all wouldn’t get rude responses if y’all didn’t send vulgar responses in the first place. I cannot tell you how many old geezers have found it appropriate to send me a one word message like ‘woof’ or ‘sexy’. I’m usually rude to those guys. When someone approaches me with some level of decency and respect that’s what they get in return. The same is true when the approach is vulgar and crude.
“Thanks for checking me out but not a good match for me. Wish you the best in your search.”
I’d rather be upfront than just ignore someone even if they only send an empty “hi”
Few read them but my prefs are in my profile to avoid pointless conversations. I don’t BB and there is no reason to start a conversation with somebody who does (as an example). Some guys are very insecure and think only “likes” should be display but why should I limit my likes (known or not) when I already know precisely what I do not?
Ugh. More whining by people who want to dictate how we should all interact. How about focusing on learning how to live in a world that doesn’t revolve around what you want. No one owes anybody anything on a4a. It’s not the same as meeting in real life. If it really bothers you that some profile that may or may not be real, states that they’re not turned on by the things you wish they were, maybe it’s time for a little introspection.
Perfect10twink is a PERFECT example of the “new generation” with their heads up their anal cavities. Compliment someone and they get rude. Getting a “woof” or a “sexy” isn’t a come on, it’s a COMPLIMENT. It’s going to happen to YOU some day, twinkie…if you LIVE that long.
I think that it is all a matter of being polite. No one wants to be hurt emotionally and when one follows physical preferences it always negates who the other guy is mentally by boxing a guy into a type or stereotyping. Preferences are based a great deal on fantasy and sometimes logistics.
Fantasies are when the guy that your with needs to be a certain way because you think that you can’t function sexually if the guy doesn’t have this or that or looks like this or that and you really can’t logically explain why you feel that way. Examples of the fantasy in previous posts are one’s like Dickken’s and um…’s comments. (What’s so unattractive about a different colored dick . . .it still functions the same? for Dickken and Why do you have to find someone like yourself . . . do you have an innate desire to fuck yourself? for um…)
Preferences based on things that really matter could be something like not being able to handle a dick past a certain size in your mouth or anus, not wanting to bend down or stretch up to kiss your guy, not having to argue philosophical differences, or having to deal with a smoking or drug issues.
The bottom line is no matter how you have come to have a preference, procedurally, predudicially or philosophically there is never an excuse to intentionally be mean.
I kept reading this hoping the premise of the blog would come to some kind of fruition, unfortunately it falls short in so many ways. We as human beings all have preferences and many of us are more inclined to stay within those parameters than we care to admit. It’s sad to see this community, our community is so intolerant of another’s opinion. Lastly since when did having a racial preference in partners become racism?
This is in reply to Astin’s “findings”, above. Yes, its true that racism still exists, and its sad that it does, but unfortunately i am going to point the finger at people such as yourself because it’s people with these negative and right off the bat, accusations of racism,being that continue to harbor and fester racism, and create new racism that otherwise wouldnt exist. we have come a long way as a society of acceptance although we might not see it, for Gods sake, if the white population is full of such instigators and such racists how did the US maintain a black president in office, for not one but TWO terms,if the white population is the majority,and most of us are as racist as you say, then i think we would have stormed the election booths to make sure a black man never made it into office and not once but twice. this man’s blog is speaking of attraction not of perception and not of prejudice he’s speaking of your attraction and unfortunately not everyone is attracted to everybody I personally and more attracted to Mediterranean looking men so because I am less attracted to blonds and I would rather go with someone with dark hair does that make me a hair bigott…. should the blondes and smooth guys go around and create Foundations for people who are discriminated against them? See how ridiculous this could be when you go looking for little things to make other people seem racist and to insite and to cause friction instead of the other way around …causing the happiness and understanding discussing and experiencing ..not two steps backward by continuing to find more racism and more prejudice and NEW racism, there are no high horses and they shouldn’t be any racism and prejudice. but everyone is not attracted to everyone else and if you find yourself always being attracted to one specific type it doesn’t make you a racist if that’s what you like it makes you human, and having an attraction preferance of one over the other. When you wont let the subject die sonwe can erradicate it and show everyone how stupid and harmful racism could be, then you become a fire starter, creating conflict,.especially when you go around doing research regarding 1 races opinions about something else and twist something that we as human beings cannot help to something that is wrong and deceitful and that we can help with education and acceptance not fear and hate which causes more prejudice and ignorance and THAT sometimes costs lives. Instead of going that route I would suggest you focus your “research” on the progression that has been made and how far we have come, many more people will get on that bandwagon instead of going backwards, and churning up the negative and keeping hate alive, stoking its fire. Let it die, and make acceptance and love bloom, but i guess that would require an open mind and a desire to END the hate.
Uhmm, newsflash here gang: We’re all different, with different likes, dislikes, turn ons and turn offs. There’s nothing unique in this reality, except that each of us IS unique in our own way. For the first 35 years of my life, engaging sexually with another man was something which never entered my mind. Then one night that changed, and I’ve been hooked since. Now I’m having my cake and woofing it down, too! Do I expect everyone to be this way? Of course not. Its equally ridiculous to have an issue with someone who isn’t interested in you when you are. I’m bisexual. Yes, we do exist. That’s not a preference, its who I am, period. I adore many things about women as much as I can’t be without many things about men. Some of the likes and dislikes I have of both sexes are similar, while others are as different as, well, men and women! My point is that, to try to put this into a simple to grasp context, its like this: Some of us like baseball, while some others despise the game. Some of us like to read, others get bored reading the small caption below a picture. There are people in the world who cannot stand to eat fish, or anything else that comes out of the water! (Like myself). Yet many people eat fish every day. That’s their choice. Their preference.
Not everybody is going to like everybody else. That’s how the world is. If you haven’t figured that out by now, go back to kindergarten and rediscover all you need to know about life. In the meantime, if someone contacts you with a hello, a compliment, or an interest, show some decency and at least acknowledge them. If they’re not your type, its OK to say just that. If you’re on the receiving end of that message, show some class and say “thanks for letting me know” and move on. Sure, we’re all unique in our own ways. But we’re all still humans with real emotions. Decency and common courtesy starts with each of us.
It would be interesting to read Dave’s thoughts on this topic.
I usually don’t say anything on these blogs. But me being a African american male it could be very wierd to find profiles say sorry not in black guys/white guys/ Latino guys/asian guys. But there is an fine line between preferences and just being offensive and rude. For the person who says sorry not into a particular race you have to ask yourself would that be offensive to someone else to say on my profile. It does make it seem very superior or like you are better than. And these are the same people who smile and laugh in your face. I am all about having a preferences because I do, but I also think to myself and say that might make someone feel sometype of way. I believe if a person messages you all you need to say is not insterested and move on you don’t need to put sorry not in a particular race. And then people who do get offended need to have the confident in themselves to know that There are a lot of ignorant people in the world but to love who they are and that someone out there for them.
Lo ve. Cock
Sorry, but no one is “forcing” or “causing” whites or anyone to be racist — that’s a cop out. Trying to claim “Well, I wouldn’t be racist if black people stopped talking about race” is a lie. If you believe in equality, if you really believe racism is wrong — then NOTHING can make you hate or judge someone because of their race. Real principles do not budge and are not for sale — at least not with people who aren’t really racist. No one “made” you racist except your own lack of principles. No one can “create” hatred within me, that’s nonsense. And Barack Obama’s election doesn’t prove anything: he didn’t receive a majority of the white vote either election. Had it been left up to white voters, he would NOT be President.
If people want to have race preferences, that’s fine, but please let’s just stop pretending we have no control over it, that they do no harm, that they aren’t related to having been conditioned by society to associate stereotypes with certain races. Have your race preferences, but be honest about it. Patterns of attraction are conditioned, period. They’re not inborn. Black guys who are considered unattractive by American whites can right now today fly to Europe or Australia and have guys lining up to get with them. Did they just magically become hot on the flight over? Of course not: the privileged anti-black prejudice of white gays is directly related to Americans’ backwards views on race.
Many gay guys end up old and alone, because they could not open their minds when they are younger. It’s funny that as some guys age, THEN they become willing to date outside their narrow boxes. If you’re rejecting people because of skin color, it really is your own loss. But it’s your prerogative. Just stop lying about what’s really going on with your racialized attitudes.
@MarcoPolo I 100% agree with you!!! And it is funny reading some of these post..yes we (me as well) all have preferences BUT when you start seeing No Blacks, No Asians, No this or bloody that then that is just turned into plain racism. Paint it whatever colour you want to and continue to tell urself that its a preference. its not especially when the word NO is infront. That reminds me of signs in the south (NO Blacks) or once upon a time in the UK that said NO Blacks, NO Irish, NO children, NO pets…you see where I’m going with this? those same signs that were there as a clear racial divide are the same NO whatever signs that ppl have in their profiles.. When you say NO this and NO that be prepared to be called a racist..OH and every racist says “I have (ethic group) friends..so watch what you say..WHAT U WRITE ON UR PROFILE IS AN EXTENSION OF UR CHARACTER SO BECAREFUL WHAT U WRITE!!!
You know I’ve never understood why people especially gay men worry so much about their looks, a rate their selves on scales of 1 to 10. Yes I believe one should take care of their selves as far as hygiene and health wise. But if your looking for love Mr. Right it’s what’s on the inside that should matter. As for who they are not what they look like. I don’t consider myself ugly by no means and I don’t rate myself on any scale, it’s like my grandma use to say honey beauty is only skin deep but ugly is to the bone. Start looking at the inside and you will see more beauty than you’ve ever imagined.
I’m one of those “old queens who should just go away and die”, as someone once wrote. I’m not much interested in sex, just a companion near my own age.
In my younger years, I was probably a 5, and never did have a physical type as a preference. I was always more interested in soul food than eye candy. I ended up with both in one beautiful package…a perfect ten and an inwardly beautiful human being. I spent most of my life with him up until the day he died.
He took the only vacant seat in the bar next to me to order a beer…began a conversation, and it went on from there. He invited me to dinner nightly for several months….then made his move and took me to bed…and helped me to move in with him the next day.
The eye candy in the bar couldn’t get over themselves…wondering why the top hunk chose plain me.
We didn’t have set “roles” sexually or otherwise….we were just two dudes who loved each other, and expressed it in uncountable ways every day.
I;d recommend soul food any day over eye candy and narrow preferences any day…but what do I know. I’m just an old fart who lived a fairly tale life for a lot of beautiful years.