Speak Out : Non-Monogamous Relationships
YOU SAID IT: “What about non-monogamous relationships?” Since A4A is first and foremost a hookup site, the subject of monogamy is not a serious consideration for more than 59% of all members. But for those romantics who are looking for MR. RIGHT, the matter of sustaining a long-term relationship includes whether or not a playmate is satisfied sexually with a single playmate or wants variety to reign—thus an open relationship!
Let’s consider some of the variables: 1) Commitment limited to a single partner, 2) Need for intimacy and familiarity that encourage mountaintop climaxes, 3) Ability to sustain relationships without losing arousal and sexual interest, 4) Desire for playmate variety through trysts with other guys. Some monogamous guys may enjoy having the same partner each time they shoot a massive cum load while others may want the opposite.
This leads to the question: If you reflect on your past sexual encounters, what memorable characteristics stand out in retrospect? (personality, physique, cock size, sexual performance, or other.)
So what floats your boat? Having responded to the basic criteria, then how often do you desire a change of playmates?
Members of A4A, I am eager to tabulate your responses and post them here.
DAVID M in Texas
I don’t understand your correlation between intimacy/familiarity and intensity of climax.
First of all, intimacy and familiarity are not the same, and one does not necessarily lead to the other.
And the intensity of the encounter is not dependent on how many time you and your sex partner have played before.
I for one, do not look for open relationship, they do not work for me. My attitude is, why be in a relationship if you have to have every dick in front of you? And I as a single man do not knowingly have sex with people in relationships. I believe it to be bad carma, if anybody believes in carma these days. I know I am in the minority here.
IT’S NOT A RELATIONSHIP IF IT’S OPEN OR YOU ALLOW OTHERS IN YOUR BEDRROOM!!!
I think first and foremost 2 people who are planning to go into a relationship most define what there relationship is gonna be like. For most guys it’s the relationship is just about sex and that just throws monogamy outta the window. You’re always going to find another guy who can blow you better than the last one or who drives you nuts when you cum, so I think there lies the problem. However, if sex is not the main thing (friendship, companionship, personality…..) then a relationship becomes a journey to discovering each other more each day. My 2cent opinion
If my partner looked like the guy on the left in the picture, I’d be satisfied for Iife, only joking but he is hot. When I meet Mr Right, I will be monogamous. And I’m ready for that, quite tired of the meaningless hook ups to just get off. My most memorable sex was when I felt something in my heart for the other person. Had nothing to do with performance, looks or cock size
For me, the hottest encounters are driven by personality over other criteria. Meshing personalities can increase sexual desire, while clashes can eliminate it. I definitely prefer the “committed and play together” situation over the “committed and play apart”. But I also realize I may be in the minority as I lean toward outside-the-norm preferences anyway (bdsm, kink, polyamory…).
What an oxymoron concept! It’s more like a convenient relationship or friends with benefits living arrangement. Whatever rocks people’s boats nowadays.
If I’m in a relationship I will be true to him and not even think about another man. But he better be true to me. When I was in a 5 1/2 year relationship I told him at the beginning if you put that thing in a strange place you’re gonna wish you weren’t born. He said I believe you mean it. I said try me and see what happens. As far as I know he didn’t cheat. Open relationships? No way. It amazes me at 58 how many open relationships I’ve encountered. I just don’t understand. You look someone in the face and say I love you but go out and have sex with another man. And then also the ones where there are threesomes with their mate. What the hell is wrong with gay men? I don’t get it and don’t want to.
Good kisser, nice fit body (younger or older), and big or gigandic or oh-my-goodness gargantuan cock — the bigger and thicker, the better. A huge one brings me to my knees every time.
true love does not equal monogamy – we’ve been conditioned through religion and other external pressures to believe that “true love” equals monogamy. It is not only unnatural and against our genetic design, but it is also psychologically unhealthy for the majority of us to follow that belief. There are people who are quite happy being with the same person for 50 years and they become the subject of envy, but it should not be regarded as the standard we should all try to achieve at the cost of our mental and physical well-being.
True love is unconditional, unwavering loyalty and respect for a person. Sexual desire has absolutely nothing to do with it. It is possible to respect and appreciate someone so much that you never want to be away from them for too long, all while still lusting for a “new experience” once in awhile. Its called being human. Just be sure that you are open, honest and respect the other persons’ wishes before you do anything. You don’t deserve to be respected in return if you do something covert that you know would deteriorate the mutual trust and hurt the other persons’ feelings.
i always want the same guy, if I were in a relationship it wouldn’t be opened in any circumstance, if I wasn’t enough then fuck off!
My husband and I have been together for nearly 11 years. Most of that time we’ve been in a poly & open relationship. We are very aware of the difference between sex and love. We are happy, stable and others in the community seek to model their lives after ours, in a fashion.
There’s another current misconception going on out there that somehow, if you’re in a “committed relationship” that’s “open,” that somehow you’re still going to be “safe” from HIV/HCV/HPV/whatthehellever infection. It’s actually worse. Oft times, one partner’s a ho, while the other one is the homebody who keeps things running. I can name more guys than I have fingers and toes with which to count that were the homebodies who got pozzed up because their partner brought home a smorgasbord of bugs to them, including HIV. You guys out there want to play the “just take a pill!” game? Go right ahead. I’m not having any…and I’ll outlive you for sure. The stats prove it.
I am in a 31 year relationship with my husband and we have from the beginning had an open relationship. I need variety in men as I feel, for me, that monogamy is not natural. I have a strong desire to have sex with other men and could not be happy or fulfilled in a monogamous relationship. My situation comes with its issues, not the least of which are health and the fall out when the frequency of outside sex increases. However, we have worked through these issues and are mostly comfortable with them.
The end result for me is that I have lost most sexual interest in my partner (he has not lost sexual interest in me). There are many reasons for this but the quality of our sex is not at the top. However, I do see this as one downside of an open relationship. But I am willing to accept that at this point. I am 66 and my partner is 62.
4, definitely. Attributes I look for, well, being a raunchy oral bottom I’d have to say dick size and sexual performance.
men are men and no matter what, st8 or gay or whatever WILL ALWAYS fuck around ‘discreetly’. having an ‘open’ partnership is just to give the slut a way out without being CAUGHT! no such thing as a ‘monogamous’ relationship.
I’m married, No sex for several years, besides I consider myself Bisexual. I don’t have the same sexual partner every time, just what’s available.
I get tangled up in this conversation topic. Part of me wants that deep, emotional connection that comes with a monogamous relationship, and part of me wants the mind-blowing orga
I get tangled up in this conversation topic. Part of me wants that deep, emotional connection that comes with a monogamous relationship, and part of me wants the mind-blowing orgasm that comes from group sex and other types of play that can’t be done solely with one partner.
My “self compromise” has been to treasure the honesty of an open-ish relationship: the “rule” being that we can have others join US — even if only on the sidelines (even if in another room). The emotional bonds of a monogamous relationship come largely from trust… and so long as that trust isn’t violated, I think there are ways to have the best of both worlds…. but either way, there are sacrifices:
– that hottie may like you but not your partner (or vice versa)
– jealousy is hard to avoid if someone “hotter than you” comes into the relationship (hence, one of my “rules” is: no long-term “extras” — new boys have a life span of 3 times with “us”
Eventually, it all comes down to the wants/desires of the partners involved — and the willingness to commit to established “rules”, which also means being honest when those may be bent or broken.
My longterm partner and I have a healthy sexual relationship. But a longterm relationship is WAY more than sex. So we have playmates on the side on occasion. Viva variety! That’s what keeps sex interesting.
I was just asking a friend about this very thing today.
I have a friend from work that is partnered and yet he flirts with other guys on a regular basis, gets numbers, hooks up, even has a f*ckbud that isn’t his partner.
I asked another guy (he doesn’t know the first guy) that is about the same age, is bi, and is partnered with a guy presently, about the first guy. He said as long as they do the “life-things” together and they are always going to bed together and everything else, having just a single guy to mess around with is unnatural.
I’m from the old school…if you’re in a relationship with someone, it is THAT someone that you do things with…not him and half the town!
I’ve thought about this many times…I see so many guys who are in open relationships. When I date, I only tend to find guys who are only into monogamy. I have dated some HOT guys in my time…but I ALWAYS get tired sexually…it never fails. Sometimes I feel like its a curse I have to endure. I see friends who are happy in their relationships…but then I wonder if that is just a ruse and everyone is like me. I really like variety…at the same time I want something to be with. Contradictory, I know. I thought about trying a polygamous relatationship…but that idea seems to scare guys away. I dunno…I struggle with this every day of my life.
Speaking on this subject from my perspective, a non monogamous relationship works best with one couple and an extra guy. However all parties must know about two important details for an arrangement like this can work. First is honesty, second is trust and third I’d like to add is communication.
The key to any long lasting relationship whether monogamous or not is love is best when it comes from within one’s heart.
Monogamy is a disease. Sex is a fun form of communication. A committed relationship is of the mind not the body. I feel there is too much emphasis on “being true ” it is much more expected in hetro relationships and seem less of a requirement in gay relationships .This makes for me one of the many reasons why I am gay
i want closed relationship and no cheating and each want to stay together through all bad and good times in life and if one spouse is very ill or needs to be in hospital the other spouse is by his partner’s side and helping with needs and showing love and compassion and trust and each others’ heart only wants the partner and no desire to be with anyone else to give all his love and heart and to life partner. and only wants to give his life partner his cock for love and sex and no desire to share his cock with others outside the relationship or marriage. both partners on same page of growing old together and watch each other grow old in their unique way. and build a future and house. have those special moments of breakfast in bed or sleep late on weekends. both partners know how to cook so they surprise one another by making meals after long day at work.
All those characteristics stand out, Thats part of promiscuity. Enjoying all the new experiences, new positions, new limits, new likes. As funny as it sounds there is such thing as being in a loving, committed, Open relationship. I’m very lucky to have found my BF(of 4 years). We get all the beauty that comes with being in a committed relationship, the romance, the endless love, the on top of the world feeling, the never alone feeling, the kisses, the hugs, the laughs, the understanding, the communication, and of course the love making and all while being able to relate as men and comprehend that sex is just sex and it’s something we all love and we all like to “try something different” or “taste the rainbow” or suck a new dick every weekend! To be able to have a hot raw rough 4some with your man and try WS for the first time then go home and make soft(and hard of course) love is really irreplaceable. But we started our relationship open, too many monogamous relationships try to be open but can’t handle it. We’ve even had our share of bad experiences
I enjoy building physical and emotional relationships with men over years. Can’t see myself ever being a One and Only Guy. Have a handful of long term buds that I see singly or in multiples as often as possible. We enjoy not only each others’ wit and wisdom but our learned abilities to set each other of during play. Things that just can’t be learned for me during Once and Done Random Hookups and that are tough to sustain longterm. Sure, some guys like the thrill of New Kill. And some like the security of Mr. One and Only. That’s great for them. I like things to build and develop over time with a herd.
Typical article for the gay community.
As a bi married guy I would enjoy an open relationship. I would love to have trysts with both genders whenever I could. however I am not in an open relation ship so it puts a damper on things for sure.
We all know that a4a was created for singles to.find a relationship. The hookups has become out of control. Also the escort and masseur ads are also known as prostitution ads. There are undercover cops who have arrested people for having escort and masseur ads as its against the law. You need to stop promoting masseur and escort ads. You are getting people arrested.
Open relationships are just excuses for people who are lazy, want to be hoes, and people with trust insecurities. It doesn’t take much work to switch things up in the bedroom to keep the spice level up. No need to look elsewhere if it’s truly love. Otherwise, most of you are confusing love with lust. Monogamy is not dead. It can be accomplished, it just requires discipline, cooperation, and communication. People have open relationships because they want to and are dick and ass greedy. It’s not a need.
How about letting people define the nature of their relationships for themselves instead of judging others and imposing your definition of a relationship?
Didn’t we just spend millions of dollars and a few decades on this subject?
It’s none of anyone’s business how 2 (or more) people agree on how to ‘relate’.
Get a life and stop managing others.
Are you talking about a relationship or just sex? They are not the same thing. Sex is just that, “sex.” But a relationship is something far more meaningful and lasting. I have found in the past that open relationships are relationships that are for the most part are over. Either party or both are looking for their next boyfriend while enjoying the convenience of their present day relationship. Eventually they find someone else and move on. With same sex marriage now legal, breaking up can be very costly. My suggestion is to stay single if you want to play the field.
I just don’t understand the purpose of being in a relationship if it is open! A couple of acquaintances I know are in this type of relationship. They are always saying how fabulous it is, yet they are always fighting, become jealous and don’t even seem happy. If your single, hey enjoy it but I just feel there is nothing hotter than monogamy. Honestly, the thought of an open relationship truly disgusts me.
I was glad to read all the comments so far that are in favor of a truly Monogamous relationship.
I was surprised actually how many still have or want them. Yea!!!There is hope after all.
Love, honesty, sincerity and being in Love with one man for the rest of time is the ideal for me still as well.
I have had a previous 19 year MLTR…Nothing in this world could be better.
But all the young and from this articles comments, older, whores, are just too fucking selfish to ever be satisfied with one man. Maybe it’s just too GAY for them!
Long live natural Monogamy!!!
I think most men tend to be pretty free with their dicks, particularly gay men, but also most straight men too. I think if a gay couple agrees on it, it is ok. If they don’t agree on it, it’s not ok. I am the 3rd occasionally for a couple and it is great. I find it very erotic to be with them and see how much they both enjoy me and each other. I was invited to their wedding last year but we all agreed how would they introduce me!, so I did not attend. But that shows how solid they are together and how much a non threat I am to their relationship, which is ok with me and them. If I were a threat and one was not ok, then it would not be ok to me or them.
I also think it is a mistake to entirely compare heterosexual and homosexual relationships. Most men are together for the sex and that is why a lot of gay relationships don’t last. Many gay men though are together for the same reasons as straight people (sex, but also love, companionship) and these often last 60 plus years. I think it is ok that gay people are different, we should just be given the same amount of respect and kindness, but our relationships tend a lot of times to be different than straight relationships. Don’t anyone hate me for saying that! I would imagine the amount of cheating in gay and straight relationships is pretty much the same, but some gay men enjoy the openness and welcome a third or more and that is not cheating to them as it is agreed upon.
I’ve been with my partner for over 25 years. We’re in love. Happy together and not getting married. We like things the way they are. Were not hoes or lazy or trying to have our cake and eat it too. We started out monogmous and then became open. Thing about being truly honest and open with each other is that the desire to sneak or have more dangerous sexual experiences dissipates because there is no reason to hide from the other person. If you can be truly honest with the other person then it’s no problem either way. monogamous or open. The key is true honesty. Were not bound by traditional ethics or contrivances that are considered the straight norm. We get to invent our own lives each day and discover what makes us truly happy. But it does take harsh honesty. Lets say I want a blowjob. My partner says I’ll give you a twenty for gas money to get someone else to do it. I say it takes more than twenty to get a chicken head on the corner. I ask for a hundred. We both laugh! He says -babe if you want a blow job or to get fucked call a buddy and go have fun. I say nah,I’ll watch tv with you. Being open takes the desire away. It does happen, but there less desire to go out and do it because we don’t have to sneak or lie. Plus being able to be completely honest with your partner make life so much more pleasant. That unconditional love is irreplaceable. Its taken years ,but we know were not straight. Not bound by religious or social pressures to maintain monogamy. We realize that as gay men we are open to discover a new path. A new road to shape or lives. I think the one we’ve chosen is best for us. But many other men like living pretty little lies like June and Ward Clever from the 1950’s. We choose to live in 2015 instead. Monogamous or Open doesn’t matter. But the truth does!
ps haven’t most of us been judged for no reason other than nature by many in the straight world. do we need to judge our fellow men too?
Most guys just can’t commit because they are unable to control themselves and don’t have the maturity to understand commitment. You can pretty it up however you like and say monogamy is unnatural if that makes you feel better but basically these hussies just want to bang. If you happen to find someone who will bang alongside you, well hey call that a relationship why not?
We basically convinced ourselves that we would never be like the socially accepted “relationship” so we’ll just fuck everything and pretend that is our version of happiness. I’m not surprised I’ve been single for 11 years. I’m not about to give my heart to half the population by proxy.
I think that an open relationship could be just as healthy as a monogamous relationship. Many if not all of us have seen shows like Cheaters, Jerry Springer, and Maury which display the dishonesty, jealousy, and drama that accompanies monogamous relationships. Of course, open relationships have jealousy as this is a natural emotion which accompanies any healthy relationships within reason. Open relationships often begin with rules such as what both parties are comfortable and not comfortable with. Most importantly honesty which is the basis of any healthy relationship. Personally, I believe that an open relationship would be a great option. Even though many frequently believe it to be an unthinkable life style. Sneaking around, being dishonest, and manipulation are cheating. Honesty, recognizing one’s non-monagamous nature, and having a greater deal of self awareness accompany an open relationship.
Why is it so hard to be with one guy! Being in a relationship for only sex is not a relationship LOL not knocking those who like sex, but when it’s good dicking in the bedroom and then unconditional non judgemental friendship outside the bedroom MAGIC. but DAVID DAVID DAVID or OTSEGOBOY OTSEGOBOY OTSEGOBOY im interested in knowing whether you are with a man or woman
Sex is sex and if you equate sex with a relationship it is doomed. What you really want in a relationship is intimacy and trust. Sex can have intimacy or it can just be primal. Understand why you are having sex and you can separate the two.
WOW! There are a LOT of guys on here saying monogamy is the only way for them. One guy even said he wouldn’t look at another guy. I’m calling bullshit on that one. Men are VISUAL critters, of COURSE you’re going to look.
But then again I’ll bet the house and the car both that most of these guys haven’t sustained a truly monogamous relationship for more than 2 years before SOMEONE steps out.
Rich and I were in a committed loving relationship for 17 years. We were both openly dating other guys when we met and hooked up. Gradually we came to realize we really liked each other and wanted to spend a lot more time together, eventually we had the DTR conversation and instead of lying to each other that we were the beginning and the end for each other we both admitted we looked and touched outside of what we had with each other but STILL liked each other enough to want to be around each other constantly. So it was natural for us to enjoy each other and others. We even eventually found someone we both enjoyed spending time with and we became a triad. That lasted 4 years before Rich died of a widow maker heart attack mowing one afternoon. Heath and I stayed together for another 4 years before parting.
Monogamy while a great idea for women to ensure that their offspring have the best characteristics they’re looking to pass on just isn’t how MEN are actually geared. Men are supposed to fuck as many different women as he can manage to have the greatest chance of passing his genes on. It’s BIOLOGY. Just because we’re bi or gay doesn’t automatically mean we can overwrite millions of years of genetic imperative and adopt those feminine ideals. Sure some may aspire and actually achieve it but it is NOT the norm. It’s actually just in the last few thousand years of history and religious ideals that it’s even become a debatable topic.
There are some really rigid, angry people responding here. I wonder if they are angry because they are so rigid in their expectation that monogamy is the only way forward and that they have boxed themselves into a corner on monogamy and are outwardly angry because they have secretly come to realize that people in open relationships actually have loving, caring, respectful and honest relationships.
Sorry..either be alone and have multiple playmates but if you want a relationship and love be and stay with the one. Sex is not the major aspect of the relationship. Anyone and everyone knows that..it can’t be. Love is not so complicated..why do gay men always have to add sex to the equation of love…it is but a component. Be committed and love the one your with… AKA..monogamy. Now that gays can be legally married…read what marriage is and means. As a gay man I feel I have the right to be married…but have always thought that once it became legal, the gays would ruin it, due to being sex addicts. What a shame and sham. Stay single if you want variety. If you are gonna marry and be in a relationship, then be mature enough to be satisfied by the person you are with. And the comment by management that A4A had a 59 % rate for players/sex…then that leaves 41 % that do desire something more…so get off of your gonads and promote a healthy open site.
I have been in several relationships over the years and none are better than my current enduring relationship. To get me here, I sat back and attempted to figure out why M2M relationships fail. Talking with many friends from broken relationships revealed that it was almost always infidility… Guys like to have sex. Period. Even if we are getting it at home all the time, we still want to explore new sex. Given these facts, what is the most important part of a relationship? I would venture to say the love and intimacy exchanged. Neither of these are necessarily part of sex. My current partner and I, before even dating, shared our understanding that guys like to have sex. Sex does not necessarily anything to do with love, so why should having sex with another guy interfere with our love? It does not. And if most guys were honest with themselves,they would admit they like the occasional no-strings-attached sex. Many “Manogomas” guys are sneaking occasional sex behind their partners back, often both partners are doing it… Why not just be honest up front. At least you will not have that issue to worry about in the relationship.
Men are such pigs. We are and have to accept that fact. Males in straight relationships are controlled by the female WO is generally monogamous. Get two men together (i.e., two gay pigs), and they will generally fuck and get fucked by any guy who has an open asshole and/or hard on. It’s just hu-man nature.
my thoughts… relationships are about what those involved are willing to agree on mutually as to the terms of what is or is not acceptable. Why must anyone pattern their relationship behind what anyone else thinks it should mean or not? Judgment, judgment, judgment… simply do what works for those who have to face one another at home. Fuckit, suckit, put it in a bucket, get tested, don’t spread disease… and get on with life! And by all means if those involved in the relationship can’t mutually agree… then leave each other alone and find someone who shares the same desires. If you can’t… then learn to please yourself sexually, be good at it (like you get yourself hot thinking about getting your hands on yourself)… and simply have good friends! Be happy for goodness sakes…..
30 plus years and counting…all relationships take work. If you can’t sort it out alone and it’s work trying to save get counseling, if that fails… leave each other alone, be happy and not hate each other… hate baggage from past relationships kill new ones..
Open relationship is a fancy name for friends that have sex.
Been in a totally MONOGAMOUS relationship for over 20 years & it is the best thing ever 🙂
I used to think open relationships were BS for I don’t wanna be alone but, I still wanna screw around. Now I think differently. I have an amazing partner that opened my eyes to the reality of these relationships which, for us, simply means we are totally committed to a life of love together. We both, however, realize we both want to explore and experience things sexually and that we both may not be into said things. Also, I’m a trucker which means I’m not always there to take care of his needs and vice versa.
It’s not a free for all of any kind. We’ve established ground rules for play and have open dialog about fantasies, interests and potential play mates both separately or together. It’s new to me aND scary as hell seeing as how I’ve never had anyone that could be as honest as my man now. We’ve also pledged to take care of home first at all times.
It’s not for everyone. ..may not be for me long term but, I like the honesty and open dialog it’s brought into our home, which I haven’t had in past relationships. I think that as long as we have open, honest communication we’ll last the duration and have some great times and memories to share.
The longest gay male relationships I have known were all non-monogamous. I have friends that have reached 30+, 40+, 50+ and 60+ years together. More than the recreational sex that these couples have experienced without their partners, should define their years together. The quality and reasons for the longevity of their bonds result from honesty, trust, loyalty, devotion, dependability, and the unity they have experienced through the years. A study done in the Bay Area in 1985 revealed open gay relationships lasted longer than monogamous ones.