Speak Out : Love And Sex
What do you do when you are in a sexless relationship? What do you do when the person you are in love with tells you that the reason he can’t have sex with you is that he is no longer attracted to you because you’ve gained weight but tells you that he still loves you and wants to be with you?
These are the questions I have been asking myself lately. I have been in a relationship with this guy for a few years now and everything was great. We got along well and he got along well with my friends and family and fit in well with the crowd.
Then after a year or so I started to gain weight, part as a result of a medical issue and the other just being lazy and not going to the gym as anyone should. Every time I try to get back into the routine, I fall of the band wagon.
Several months ago our sex live took a dive. It wasn’t as often as usual. Or he would have troubles staying hard. At first I just chalked it up to normal day stress and went on but then it became more frequent. When I would ask him about it he would say he didn’t know why and would get frustrated at himself.
Then one day when we were arguing about something I asked him again and he blurted out the real reason; my weight gain. I already knew that this was probably the reason so I wasn’t shocked or hurt as much.
We were able to move past the argument and went on about our lives. The next time the issue came up was when we were talking about the next time he was coming over (we don’t live together and he comes and visits a few days during the week) and he mentioned that he didn’t want to come over.
After some prodding he admitted that he didn’t want to come over cause he felt that I would pressure him into having sex and that I would get mad if he couldn’t perform.
I really love this guy and I know he loves me and he encourages me to lose weight but I am really missing the sex between us and I don’t know what else to do and would love some advice from someone else who has been through something like this.
And please, don’t give me the obvious answer by saying that I need to loose weight. I know that already 🙂
Thanks in advance!
Anonymous
I guess this is pity love relationship.
My only suggestion (absent the obvious) is NOT to assign BLAME! I don’t know about you, but I cannot control what (or when) my cock gets hard for and what (or when) it doesn’t… and I don’t know ANYONE who can! (At least, not naturally!)
Maybe your lover has a problem with your weight — and maybe he’s having erectile dysfunction issues and your weight is just a convenient excuse (for him and/or you).
There are a hundred-thousand ways you can split up and assign blame (on yourselves and/or each other)…
But there is only ONE way to repair the relationship — and that includes being OPEN, HONEST, and NON-JUDGEMENTAL with each other! That is what you SHOULD have been doing all along (if you’re in a serious, monogamous relationship).
If he is having ED issues, and you want sex, you should DISCUSS options… that may include different ways of pleasing each other, or even inviting someone else into it, or somewhere in between… but be prepared to compromise! That is ALSO a significant component of being in a relationship!
Finally, you know you love him (except for the lack of sex)… but does he love you (except for the constant desire for sex)?? TALK IT OUT! TOGETHER! And agree to be HONEST (and gently… but fully honest, at that).
Good luck! Changes are coming your way… with or without him, changes are coming, and most of us are uncomfortable with change. Screw up your courage and deal with it!
Chip
It sounds to me like he’s a little shallow. If he cannot accept the fact that you have gained a little weight, then he’s not really committed to you..he’s committed to an image. You need to write him off and find someone who will appreciate you for you, just not for your physical appearance. He may not mean to be shallow, but his actions are proving that he is. Good luck!
Sometimes you got to move on but try to give it a little more time. Since you both want you to lose weight…. why not make it a team effort by him joining you. If he refuse or don’t care, he may not be into you or have found someone new but can’t bring himself to tell you yet. Either way life goes on and good luck whatever you decide to do.
It sounds like he is only “in love” with your body, when you are slimmed down, that is called infatuation. Being in love with someone is loving them no matter of there weight or other physical issues. I am sure he is getting his sex from some where else, such as what most gay men will do when they don’t feel it with your present partner anymore. Maybe ask yourself if he had gained weight if you would be as attracted to him sexually….
Tough story. I get it though. Ive been in “his” shoes before. What helped was when my partner just started making changes in eating and lifestyle. I saw his hard work and even though he was still overweight I recognized his efforts and it was attractive. Plan fun things together that are active and not sexual by nature. Even if its hey I made a great healthy meal I want to share with you. And after we can go for a walk or idk something that he knows it doesn’t become a set up for the bedroom.
If he’s not into you because you’ve gained weight, the only way he’s going I get back into you is if you lose it. Sorry but there’s little else to suggest. In the meantime, going the guy a permission slip to get off elsewhere (and taking one for yourself) for a while probably wouldn’t hurt. It would take the sexual tension out of the mix while you work on other stuff. Like losing the weight.
Honestly, dude, it has to do with your weight. It’s unfortunate that you’ve had these recent medical problems, and I hope you heal soon, but for now, getting into a workout routine is the best thing you could do.
Clearly he still loves you, since the two of you haven’t broken up. However, if you want to start having more sex, make yourself more appealing to him. 🙂
Why do you have to change who you are for him?
I think your first mistake was believing gay men can have long term sustainable relationships.
It will be great if they come together so I say sex w/o love is just want it is.
I will start off by saying that I am in this situation now. Only difference is we live together and have been together for 12 years.
It sounds like he is quite superficial. If he truly loves you as you claim, he would get past the weight issue. There comes a time in any relationship when you need to look out for yourself and take care of your needs. If he isn’t having sex with you, then he’s probably getting it elsewhere.
Don’t allow your weight or anyone to effect your self esteem.
You need to do some soul searching and ask yourself if this is the kind of relationship you want. Sex is a important part of a relationship.
The bottom line- you need to choose what’s best for you!
The great part is the two of you have strong feelings for each other w/o sex in the equation. I assume your partner is in better physical condition. What’s your partner’s workout routine? Aside from the obvious (losing weight), I would suggest finding activities to work on together (i.e. cooking healthy meals together, going for walks, working in the yard together, going to the gym together). The two of you could still continue to bond while working on getting yourself back into better shape.
Most of all communicate more. Your partner might be physically attracted to you, but ask him what attributes he loves about you. Find out what excites him & gets him in the mood. Gradually, develop your relationship off of what gets his mojo going.
Sorry man, but the obvious answer may be the right answer. Relationships take work. My post might not be liked and people may disagree with me, but I’m going to give my honest advice. If you really think that your weight is the problem and you think the relationship is important, you will commit yourself to loosing the weight. Even if it takes time, you should do everything in your power not to fall off the band wagon.
On the other hand, you also have to ask yourself would loosing the weight really solve the problem. Does your boyfriend really love you? Would the situation really chanHe if you lost the weight or would he simply find another fault to use as an excuse. If he doesn’t want to have sex with you, then is he truly in love with you or is he just used to you?
My main point is that relationships take work, but it’s also imperative to know if there is truly love in this relationship. Is your man attracted to someone else, and you stand having him be intimate with another guy and then act like your the only one he loves? I don’t really believe in open relationships, because it seems like the two parties are just playing house or are just together so that they claim not to be single to others.
Again, is there love in this relationship?
I agree with DeWayne all the way on this
how nuch have you grain and why are you lazy or which one of you is fucking around
I agree don’t allow your weight also to effect yourself confidence as well. Most of all, be yourself, yes people change, but don’t let others affect who you are.
My friend had gain weight and his a top, but we still have sex, because he accepts me for who I am. I accept him for who he is. Don’t be at fault with yourself, you like you, If people cannot accept you for who you are.
It’s them not you, that needs soul searching. You are doing whats best for you.
What about an open relationship?
Ive been in this situation before…not in the context of an actual relationship, but just dating, and being turned off by a guys weight/body, to the point that i couldnt perform.
It makes u feel like shit since nobody likes hurting someones feelings, especially someone u had intended on being intimate with…someone u have feelings for.
I notice a lot of the advice is geared toward preserving ur feelings, but what about his? As i said, being unable to perform due to lack of attraction, can be very emotionally devistating, because u HATE to hurt that person, u hate to make them feel bad or insecure, but if ur dick wont get hard for them there is little u can do. I know it sounds shallow, but its more complex than that. The lack of attraction isnt nearly as bad as hurting someone u care about, and its a very hard and emotional thing to deal with.
So my advice would b to think about his feelings for a second. Consider an open relationship, or break up n find someone who is attracted to ur new body type, or get to the gym n try n get into shape…either way its a very difficult situation n i wish u well.
Maybe his testosterone is low, he should check it out.
be glad he is honest enough to be truthful with you. A relationship is give and take. Give your man what he wants when he wants it. I recently lost a lot of weight by working out and dieting, so it’s not like I’m talking out of vanity or ignorance. But ask yourself, are you still in love with him, or the memory of what you two had in the past? Sometimes change is requierd to move forward. Change your mind before you change your body.
Was he taking any medication? From personal experience some anti depressants and psych. Medications have been known to cause E.D.D.
This isn’t really a weight issue, although you may need to lose weight. Not many relationships can sustain the sex after a few years and this includes straight relationships. Many stop having sex altogether, or play away or end up having ‘functional’ sex in order to sustain the love relating.
So this is a place we can all easily find ourselves in and you are by no means the first. Of course losing the weight might buy you some more time before you end up back here again.
Ultimately it’s a hard lesson to learn but the lesson is that no one can give you the love and happiness that you deserve, period. That can only be found within yourself when you discover that you are a wonderful, bright , unique and awesome person. We are all this for ourselves always and if we don’t find our own satisfaction from being alive and amazing then we will have to seek it in the outward world of money, relationships, body image etc which is ephemeral and welded to ups and downs.
When you are fully satisfied with yourself then it’s easy to know how to solve these problems and if a relationship needs to end or keep going then you know what and how to do it because your self esteem is not on the line.
I recently got out of a nine year relationship. The love & sex were gone after seven years. He just stopped talking to me. I figured that there was someone else, so I hired a PI & he confirmed my suspicions. I left that day & went back home. I love myself too much to allow someone to play with my emotions.
There has got to be more than just weight and erectile dysfunction issues going here. I feel guys who are in love ought to be understanding, empathetic, and then proactive in solving any relationship problem. Plan and eat healthy meals together. Exercise together. Open-up the sexual relationship. What do you guys have planned for the future? Is this it?
Based upon the info you provided, neither of you seem to encourage the other to be better. The boyfriend seems aviodant. “I’m going continue to live in my own home so I can either run away when I get tired of you or stay home to avoid you.”
It’s not often you get everything you desire in any relationship. You have to compromise and make sacrifices often, especially if you are “not on the same page.” You guys seem to be just hanging out now and then. You can’t get past any issues because you don’t completiely solve/resolve any of them. And, even when you know what to do, e.g. weight loss, you do nothing but sulk. We create our happiness and misery. What joy have you guys given each other lately?
The fact is that, while many people may love you in many different ways, only the one who is making love with you is what I would call your “lover.” If your relationship has seen sex go by the wayside, then you have become loving friends, in which case it is perfectly OK to go looking for a new lover. Perhaps your (now) “ex” wants to stay with you because he doesn’t want the hassle of finding a new place and moving. Perhaps he needs the financial benefits of you as a roommate. But he is no longer your lover and no longer entitled to the considerations someone in that position receives.
you can’t make someone love you. Unfortunately things in life are but for a season. People and situations change. Move in my dude. I have been Itwo LTR both over 15 years. I have watched my present partner grow old, bodies change, medical procedures and mind adjustments. In our case I no longer desire him sexually and our goals and aspirations have changed. I’m will not change my path because it works for me. You can find someone to love you as you are
If I were you, I’d blow him one last kiss and wish him well….what if you lose weight get back in shape, then get in an accident and lose a limb…will he be back to finding you unattractive?
Welcome to REAL LIFE my friend. People get sick, people gain weight? Our parents stuck it out with each other through thick or thin and they seemed to make it work even when things weren’t perfect!
Not so with us gay men…For me I’ve had to re-evaluate this lifestyle. Please refer to a very provocative post on this same blog about two months ago which asked the same question – Are gay men just all about sex? It was quite a controversy with many gay men attacking the writer for whining about the problems associated with us gay men obsessing totally on the physical. But what was amazing was that at least 80% of the guys agreed that the lifestyle is superficial, vapid and shallow! It was a pleasure to read so many men saying that they thought they were the only person who felt this way about the abysmal state of “gay love!”
Personally, that blog changed my life. I’ve come to appreciate that there is no real substance or depth to our lives as gay men. I’ve never been in a relationship and perhaps will never be based on my attitude to other homosexuals and I’m beginning to think that it may be a blessing and not a curse.
Anyway, I happen to be a young (under 30) black man with a great career and physique and I’ve noticed that even while living in a gay mecca it’s hard to find a date on Saturday night at 10 pm, but at 3 pm my grindr and adam4adam is firing off with IM’s and hits from guys wanting booty calls. Many of these men are into “open relationships” which is the new term for “troubled relationships” like Jayssn alluded to (in this same blog) and are looking for someone to satisfy their sexual urges. I think it is despicable. Go fix your problems and leave us single gay men alone.. it’s totally disgusting.
I would never have sex with a gay couple in an open relationship individually or together, and I’ve encouraged all of my equally hot and/or hotter gay friends to avoid it. There are enough single guys out there to have sex with if that’s what one is looking for.
So my general point is, wake up and smell the roses and realize that gay relationship are transient and as Cmat25 said not really realistic. Chip’s response is a great one and I agree with him, change is on the horizon and unfortunately it is NOT looking good. It may be time to move on, our parents did it “for better for worse!” We do it “for better or BETTER!”
The problem is that most people tend to put on weight and look differently as they get older. Hence gay men’s obsession with youth and physicality is not a compatible framework for any mature relationship unless one is gonna do open relationship which in my view does not even come CLOSE to being a relationship!!!
Life happens my friend – deal with it and accept the fact that no matter how much you work out you will quite likely NEVER look as you did a few years ago when your partner was all up into you! LOL!
You don’t sound like you’re all that bright so the best thing for you to do is to stay in this so called relationship until he’s had enough of your low self esteem and finally decides to leave, you. Or better yet why don’t you ask him if to start seeing other people for sex, you can keep your so called relationship going but make him promise that is finds someone better than you are that you could remain friends. Or better yet, why don’t you just turn straight! I am so sick of reading these punk @ss comments from gay dudes. Be a kick ass gay guy and stop being such a doormat for some worthless guy who clearly is not that into you. You started building a house on sand so see that it’s worthless! What’s he going to do when push comes to shove and you really need him? You’re not in a healthy relationship with him, he was only fuc*ing you. You allowed it so pull your pants and walk away. You guys are…wow!
I would have to agree with BlondeCub4Brown. He sounds very superficial and if something were to happen to you that you couldn’t change with diet and exercise what then? I would chalk this up to experience and find someone who will love you for who you are…warts and all.
To Frank’s comment – I 100% agree. There is no substance in gay relationships and it makes me sad that sexually I identify with this shallow group of people. Sometimes I wish I was sexually attracted to women because in str8 relationship is it for better or worse – not to say that there aren’t shallow str8 people because that would be a lie….but when it is a gay guy, 9 times out of 10 they are looking for the next hot guy to sleep with – not a real person to be with.
Frank, it sounds like you’d be better off in the closet. Or with a dog that you can control all you like. You seem like a homophobic, self-loathing mess!
“I started to gain weight, part as a result of a medical issue and the other just being lazy and not going to the gym as anyone should.”
“I try to get back into the routine, I fall of the band wagon.”
“I just don’t know what to do.”
Read those. All are your statements. And all of them move changing the situation for the better to anyone but … you.
“…he blurted out the real reason; my weight gain.”
You’re very lucky you got an honest answer from a guy who hasn’t walked out the door on you. But instead of respecting it, you fault him for your current unhappiness. Why can’t he be unhappy with how you have changed? He’s just not finding you attractive. That’s not ok? But yet it’s ok for you to “gain weight”, “fall off the band wagon” and “just not know what to do”?
You need to take a good look at yourself. You need to stop blaming the universe for your unhappiness. You need to stop blaming someone you say you love.
You need to stop saying things like “And please, don’t give me the obvious answer by saying that I need to loose weight. I know that already” because you know what? You don’t. You don’t get the simplest solution to your problem … get on an appropriate eating regimen and exercise schedule.
Lose weight. Keep the man you love.
If you can’t do that, stop trying to kid anyone who will listen to your drama. The truth is … you don’t love him.
Jayssn, you don’t know whether or not I’m in the closet… and yes I might be. I just don’t get these gay “relationships” that aren’t functional.. and from what I’m reading, half the guys on here are essentially saying the same thing as me!
Thanks for the affirmation LovingLife… this lifestyle is just way too complicated and disingenuous.
Let’s be real…gay men suck, and not just your weenie. They’re shallow, self-absorbed, incapable of empathy oft times, and are anything BUT “relationship material”…about 75% of them, anyway, per a new crowd input survey I just saw. All they want is sex, and muscles, and stupid tats, and fashion jock straps. However, 10% want “friends”…the opening of a relationship. They know they need companionship, even if it’s just an FWB situation, but also someone they can hang with and go out with. Another 7% want a “relationship”…someone they can bed down with who’s both a friend AND a monogamous sex partner. A good many of these are holdovers from the AIDS epidemic, I’m sure. 6%? We’re after real ROMANCE, like I’ve had with women. Gay men suck at this, but every once in a great while you’ll find a true candidate for this. I’m one of the 6%. Interstingly I recall the results of a survey done by The Advocate, just before HIV cratered the very fabric (motheaten as it was) of the then-current gay subculture. Then, it was 56% wanted just anonymous sex, 24% wanted what we now call an “FWB”, and I guess you could throw “relationship” in that slice of pie, as well, and…tada…a full 20% wanted romance and dremt of the day “gay marriage” would be a reality so they could live happily ever after. Well, the facts are in…”gay marriage” is a sham, since 90% of gay married coupels fuck around, either with the hubby’s knowledge or “playing out back,” a surefire way to give HIV to your mate, just like in the old days. As I said, gay men SUCK.
I don’t know. There is always a reason to complain and be a victim: “I’m gay so I’ll never have a real relationship because gay men are superficial”, ” He doesn’t find me attractive anymore”, ” i don’t look as hot as I used too”, ” He doesn’t really love you”, etc etc. When really life is good, not prefect, never ideal, just amazing and brilliant. Enjoy it as it is with all the messiness. Who really cares? Make the most of it! Stay or go, lose weight or gain it. Life is what you make it. Enjoy it or be a victim of it, our choice.
Frank, all of my comment still stands. And I give those other guys no more of a pass for being self loathing and homophobic than I do to you, but you were the most blatant about it. At least you reinforce my decision never to have anything to do with closeted guys with your admission of your own closet.
Frank. All you need to do is find someone else who has the same outlook as you do and Bingo! you’ve got a relationship with someone else who also is not into superficiality. What’s so hard about that? If you get stuck in the “gay men are all superficial” negative mind set then that’s all you will see.
You value committed long term relationships and we found you on a gay sex hook up site so there must be many more like you who don’t frequent such places.
If you are looking for commitment then A4A probably shouldn’t be your first port of call.
Freddy’s right, and JaysSN is the “usual gay male,” with his superfluous views and his baiting trick (borrowed from the blacks, NO doubt) that everyone who doesn’t agree with him is somehow “homophobic” or “in the closet.” Get a LIFE, ya dizzy queen! I was “gay” when the term was still NEW. I blame that attitude on the AIDS holocaust; he weren’t properly brought up by mentors, since MOST of them were GONE by the time he showed up! True enough, A4A (and Asspig, and all the rest of them) are NOT good places to find lovers who, like Diogenes, are still swinging their lamp looking for that “honest man.” But, with most of the bar culture gone, what else do we have? Hell, I pick up guys at times in STRAIGHT bars and have a helluva lot better luck than on here!