Speak Out : I No Longer Want To Be Gay
I no longer want to be gay. I know that on the surface this statement reeks of the denial, self-loathing and internalized homophobia commonly associated with accepting and integrating ones gayness but truth is, I just don’t want to be gay anymore. It has outlived its usefulness. I have experienced all aspects of the life and can safely say that it no longer speaks to the person that I am or want to become. I didn’t always feel this way.
Initially I came to this community searching for love, intimacy and brotherhood. In return, I got shade, infidelity, loneliness and disunity. The self-loathing in this community forces you to encounter a series of broken men who are self-destructive, hurtful, cruel and vindictive towards one another. I have struggled to adapt my moral code to fit the behaviors concomitant with the lifestyle but it seems that the lifestyle is forcing me too far away from everything I love and value. No matter how many times I try to purge my perception of its firmly held beliefs and skewed biases, the same classic stereotypes of gay men keep rearing their ugly heads. The indiscriminate sex, superficiality, unstable relationships, self-hatred, peter pan syndrome, closeted connections, ageism, shade, loneliness, preoccupation with sex, prejudice, aversion to intimacy all seem to come out of the ground I thought they were buried under. Gay men just seem to find it difficult to transcend the stereotypes and clichés attached to the life and it is becoming disheartening.
It has been seven years since I decided to live my life as an openly gay male and it has not been an easy road. It has been fraught with much pain and misery that I initially tried to mask with alcohol, drugs, sex and parties. In the beginning it was hard to admit that I liked other men. But I did and it was a very freeing experience. It gave me the opportunity to assert my identity when for years I struggled with this. It gave me a chance to be my own activist and stand up in the face of opposition from family, friends and society as a whole. I took pride in my gay pride and felt as though I were apart of something greater than myself, a movement of men who loved other men and who were unafraid to show it. Our love was supposed to be a revolutionary act. But the truth is, we didn’t love each other; we were just infatuated with the idea of belonging and going against the grain. We loved the freedom and taboo of rebelling against societal mores. The love that we thought was intricate to the spelling of our revolution was just a knife that we turned in on ourselves under the guise of fun and good times.
Personally I believe that love is sacrifice and not many gay men are willing to sacrifice for their brethren nowadays. Initially this spirit of self-sacrifice was salient during the AIDS crisis in the early 80’s and 90’s when resources were scarce and people were afraid. But now, there seems to be a preoccupation with the seduction of risk, as gay men play with matches, hoping to ignite meaningful connections in their never ending self-discovery. The grand prize of intimacy is often forfeited for the immediate gratification of a casual encounter on craigslist or a geo-social hook up on Grindr. Cars have become the new bedrooms and sex is not followed with pillow talk but rather phrases such as: “Blo and Go,” “Pump and Dump” and “Skeet and Leave”. The life is starting to look a lot like a slow death simmering on low heat and it doesn’t hold the same appeal that it once did to me. It is a life in serious need of renovations.
Men also used to be men and approached you with a modicum of chivalrous courage. Now they hide behind electronic masks or position themselves in close proximity to you at clubs hoping you initiate contact only to arrogantly dismiss your advances in an attempt to project their own discomfort. I have noticed that a lot of gay men seem to only want a challenge and live for the elusive. They want men who do not want them, men who resemble the emotional distance or absence of their fathers.
I am too young to long for the good old days but this life makes you miss what it meant to be gay. It makes you long for the times when a guy would greet you and offer you a drink as opposed to his cock size and sexual stats. The middleman of courtesy has been eliminated and replaced with an immoral devil who chaperons your destruction daily. It just isn’t worth it anymore. And while I recognize my attractions to men, I choose to no longer associate myself with a life that lives outside of morality and goodness. The gay life is like the love of a bad boy whose attention and love you initially covet but eventually outgrow. It’s just not where I see myself anymore.
Luis Pabon (ToughCatalog)
So well put! I felt like the words were falling out of my own mouth.
i agree with this mam, with our digital world, we never make contact in person, say hello to someone in a bar is like walking in a mine field. So I agree I don’t want to be gay anymore
WOW What an insightful perspective. You have put into words in such a truthful manner the way I have been feeling as well. I’m sorry to say I agree.
Thank you for having the bravery to put it out there.
Very well written. I too have felt exactly like this. If I could turn off my attraction to men, I would do it in a heartbeat w/o remorse. Just as Luis mentioned, it has nothing to do w/ self-loathing. It is simply difficult to meet someone casually & spend sometime together before ending up in the bedroom.
Sex is great, but some guys are looking for more than sex. If you don’t put out, then your date moves onto the next guy. If you do have sex, then they get dressed & leave. Afterwards, they only contact you for more sex, w/ no intent of getting to know you better as a person.
I am not going to rewrite the article, but just wanted to let Luis know some of us know how he feels & he is not alone.
Stewie_Griffon
Well, the dramatic headline worked. It got my attention and I read the words. Now I’m wondering about the real intent. If the author is genuinely struggling with some of the personal issues mentioned then I believe he should seek therapy for those issues. If the intent was to remind us what massive dicks a large part of the gay community has become, then be honest about that and don’t hide behind the other stuff. Yes, the community has all of these issues and yes it’s a struggle to find meaningfull friendships, but I’ve always found that to be the case for various reasons. Friendships, and especially “relationships” take work from the beginning and one has to put forth the effort.
Hoorah for honesty. I have felt and experienced this first hand. I am better off with myself. At least I know where I am in life! Cheers Man!
I totally agree with you Luis. Self exploration having fun is awesome to a certain extant, there should come a time in a mans life where he wants to stop with the playing with any man who will let them handle there goods just to feel good about one self. Unfortunatly, the gay lifestyle don’t even suggest a loving lifestyle with a man you can love and trust and grow old with. I can understand why the general public looks at the gay lifestyle as a bunch of degenerates not wanting to grow up. Thanks Luis for putting it out there, maybe a guy or 2 will give your choice a chance.
Luis,
I have to agree with you to a point. There are a lot of men out there who are just out to have the next conquest. I was a closeted man 15 years ago, and thought that the “gay” way was just to have sex with men that I found attractive. I never thought that I would be in a “true” gay relationship – but as it turned out, I accidentally found the man of my dreams. It was supposed to be a “one night stand”, but he literally swept me off my feet. I have never been with anyone – either male or female, that has treated me with so much dignity and respect. He even got me to the point that I came out to my family after being with him for 6 months.
Of course, we have had out difficulties along the way, but we love each other so much – that we have worked out the kinks, and have a very meaningful relationship to this day. As far as i’m concerned, this has been the relationship that I have always longed for – and now have. I was married for 7 years and also engaged to another woman for 7 years and have never felt so loved and needed.
Of course, I am the “exception” to the rule – and have seen the discrimination that you talk about, but all I can say is that, when you least expect it……..there is a good man out there – you just have to be patient and let it happen.
I hate to say it, but everything you have said is true. I pulled out of the gay community when I turned 30 and have no regrets. I have very few gay friends and live a life not defined by sexuality but instead defined by shared interest. I still hookup for sex frequently in fact daily some weeks. But it is an hours diversion from a 24 hour day. What other activity that represents 4% of your time would you let define u?
I have to agree with the writer and Arnold, it just fell as “the words were falling out my own mouth”. It’s such a very sad life!
Luis I understand where you are coming from with your comments and I totally agree with you on your attitude. Now days if it seems that men only want one thing. They don’t want to look and see the beauty within a person but want only what they can get to satisfy there needs.
In a day where we can live our life and be open about it and receive all the benefits of straight counterparts they still want to act like sexual bad guys. When we should be changing our life and loving one another.
Like you I would love to have someone to talk to, hold and even love and like you I no longer want to be gay because if we can’t change for the good we will never be excepted.
So as my profile says where are all the decedent men hiding .
I know a really good guy who holds a lot of the same beliefe accept it’s worse…. He’s a BIG “christian”. For him and MANY other gay men their is NO hope of loving the self. It’s not gay men you hate, gay men are the same as men before they had to respect woman truth be told. Men are always hypersexual but if you’re looking for love its likely in the wrong faces and places. You are judging your biological behavior against the biology of and environment of incompatible samples. If you have a masculine heterosexual friend you will find that they are just as shallow as gay men, they just don’t get as many chances. Jack Off and wait for the one, he’s out there..
Yeah dude, stop being gay. Go after women. They don’t do any of that shit.
Those are problems with society in general, not specific to homosexuality.
I don’t want to be gay or str8, more importantly, I want off the eff-ing property tax grid! 😛
Wow!!! Exactly what I had been thinking for the last year. I just had a difficult time to put it in words but now I know I am not the only one who feels and thinks that way. I agree with you on this 100%.
Thank you for a well written article and I wish you all the best Luis(and any other men who feel the same). I am a gay man in his late forties and while I do agree with some of the statements you have made, I do not believe that ALL gay men fit these stereotypes. You seem to be one of the men who does not fit these stereotypes.
Instead of running; stand strong and do your best to lead by good example. Based on your statements, the gay community would benefit from more men changing the current gay landscape instead of running from it.
Running from who you are will only lead you to more disappointment.
I believe every word he stated is true. To say hello to someone these days is nothing but risking a rude tacky comment in return. Finding a date is something that rarely happens. It sure makes masturbation more rewarding. Self love sure does help. And you don’t run across all the drug addicts, drunks and self destructing people. I would imagine straight life is much like the gay life.
EXACTLY how I feel and why I refuse to “come out” and label myself as a gay man and associate myself with thet community. Like the author it takes me so far away from my deepest beliefs that u just dont desire it.
Eric you are so wrong!!! I have been feeling and seeing the same thing over and over in the bars wherever you go!!! Gays suck and not in the good way!!! And with the whole gays are so nice hell no we aren’t what he said in there was the truth and if you can’t handle the truth then don’t reply because you just fed into the game!!!that really shows who you are!!!
If this guy doesn’t want to be gay anymore (as if that’s possible,) good for him. That’s HIS problem/issue! Remember that in addition to countless gay men/women out there, there are even more straight/bi people who also want intimacy and deal with shady people. It’s a HUMAN condition to be sick of the whole “game” at times. I for one am quite happy to be a gay man (even though at times it is disheartening.) Learn to make yourself happy and live your life!
Wow. I had no idea anyone else felt this way too. I’ve had no way to express my profound disappointment in what was, for a time, a “community”. Years ago I decided there was no such thing as a “gay community”. Any selflessness that existed before was replaced by selfISHness. I wish I could be a part of a group of guys who SEE this the way we have expressed here! That would be the ultimate support group!
Damn. I guess if you hang with bitchy drama queens trying to our do each other in fashion, vehicles, latest boi toi, newest cell phone it might be a little to much adding a longterm man in the mix. Would you know if you saw him ? Or would you knit pick him into a restraining order. Take the time to disconnect with all the “required” GAY things. Maybe the man you need is close but all the crap and drama is making him invisible. I have much better luck with “str8″/guys who like man on man sex and want a buddy to be open and loving with. Its not rocket science.
As an older gay man…I can totally relate to these words. Kudos to author for having the courage to say it.
Very impressive and truly stated. I feel the same way way except I just deal with it. It will never change.
The perspective here is puzzling. I meet and play with several guys from time to time (together or separately) that I’ve taken time to get to know over several years. Sure, we hook up, but we do it repeatedly.
It’s a matter of deciding what you want and what world your going to operate in. Tie yourself to “what’s HOT!” and “the latest trenddy thing!” where you frequent clubs, bars or websites looking for a fast hookup, that’s what you’ll get. Once … done … over.
But if you take time to search out and find guys looking for a bit more, you’ll find them. Yes the “fly boys” will come … and GO! … in droves. But you don’t care. If some guys don’t want to develop ongoing relationships with other guys, that their choice. Let them move on and do the same yourself.
The reward here is finding an ongoing relationship or relationships. Those last longer and, therefore, require time to find, build, and nurture. It’s a matter of what amount of investment you’re willing to put in and your willingness to recognize when it’s time to cut your losses.
In the end. long term, regular fun with guys who you know and who know you.
Luis,
You say you “no longer want to be gay” and you’ve listed several reason why. All great reasons and as some of the ppl on here have commented they could have wrote that same thing. BUT I ask you this before you turn in you gay ID card and void your chances of hanging out at anymore pride parades. Your list of reasons is sound and you are most definitely looking for a lot of things ppl on this site are trying to avoid (there are others like you out there). You condemn the gay community that has embraced you early on and point your finger as to say I’m done with you because you ppl don’t meet my standards ANYMORE. If you are not happy with the gay community then where will you go? I hate to tell you the hetro community has the EXACT same issues you’ve listed only more as there are more of them. Ask yourself really what about the gay community you don’t like. If it’s the guys on line, stay off line. If it’s the guys in the bars, don’t go to gay bars. You choose to pick the ppl you associate with and the where. If you don’t like ,it make the change. It all can’t be bad. Don’t condemn the whole community. There are some really nice guys out there. I’ve met them and I’ve met them on ADAM4ADAM. Some are my closest friends and I’d walk through fire for them. I think you need another self examination and then ask what did YOU do to help the gay community, change the appearance or perception of our community. It’s easy to point that finger and say this is what’s wrong. It’s much harder to point that finger and say,”that’s fucked up, I know a way to fix this.” And then do it.
I have to tell you, I lived on the hetro side and I’ve tasted pussy. I can’t see what the rave is all about. I offer you good luck in your quest, the door is always open.
Unfortunately, the truth written in this letter could have just as easily been written decades ago. The attitudes are the same, only the electronics have changed. What is described is the stereotypical “Gay Lifestyle”. We all have a choice, we may be gay but do not have to live the “lifestyle”. I am an interesting, intelligent, caring Gay Man who does not live the “gay lifestyle”.
I actually don’t agree with you. You find what you look for.
Ok…..change all the “male” adjectives to “female” adjectives, and you are describing the “straight” dating world. Unfortunately what is described is the state of the whole dating scene in general…m/m, f/f, m/f… Easy access to social sites deletes the need for personal contact and so of course good social skills. Without good social skills it is impossible to have meaningful conversations in the real world of bars, restaurants…etc, with the result of experiencing frustrations and feelings of just wanting to give up “being gay!” And I thought being gay wasn’t a choice…at leaste that’s what everyone in the gay community espouses.
Also, it never ceases to amaze me that there are so many on here that don’t understand that this not the place to find a lasting relationship (try eharmony, etc for that), but a site to hook up for some fun and sex….pure and simple! Understand that and you’re whole outlook changes and life becomes more enjoyable.
You’re definitely not alone Luis. I just had a similar conversation with my best friend over the weekend. Where we’ve basically accepted the fact that the gay community is a minefield of walking disasters. If 15% of the population is suppose to be gay, why is it 50% of them fall into a category of drug addict, severe emotional instability, or just bat shit crazy. You don’t need to seek therapy for try to belong to a community. We’ve all done it at some point. But when that community starts causing you to compromise yourself and your values. It’s probably time to remove yourself from it. I’m almost at a point where I can’t tolerate large groups of gay men for more than a short period of time. So I pretty much only associate with my gay friends in small get togethers. What I’m trying to say is, you’re going to have to find what part of the community you can live with, and omit the rest. Good Luck Mate.
As much as i’m very content to be a gay man. Many of the aspects of the “lifestyle” are left to be desired. Sex is good and fun. But after a while that just becomes mundane. You’re left wondering where is this going. Is it only about this or can we take it further. I’m very thankful for the good friendships i’ve made over the years. But other than that there isn’t much good fruit that comes out of living this life.
I agree wholeheartedly.
In the latter portion of the 20th century, it was at least reassuring to be able to even be around other men who openly identified as gay. We weren’t the only ones “denying” it; the whole country “denied” that guy-guy sex was an OK part of life. Being openly gay was a step in the right direction, acknowledging with open words what we like, what is true and what works for us. However, nowadays every Joe wants sex on the side it seems, without getting to know his contacts as friends and as real human beings.
The cure is as follows: you have to just figure out how you want life to be, and act that way. If you value being a full and real person, act like that. That may includes not looking for depth of friendships with guys on A4A, and you’ll have to find other ways to find men who are interested in human relationships more than just a sexual hookup, whether it is as a friend, a partner, lover or whatever. There are other websites which offer that approach.
The other fascinating thing though, is that it’s not enough just to be out and available for man-on-man sex. Now that we can be married in the U.S., it’s becoming pretty obvious that millions of men are all over the sexual spectrum, and I believe that spectrum will develop a time axis as well. I.e. throughout one’s life, it will become acceptable to have different sexual orientations during different periods of one’s life. All of this is very human, and it will gradually result in more honesty and humanness than just getting laid through a website, and that will be good, healthy for all of us.
What a very interesting point he has made, and I wholeheartedly agree. I have not touched another man in eight years because I am dismayed at how promiscuous the vast majority of gay men I have encountered are. Either they lie about the things they do, which is terrible, or they readily admit that they do sleep around a lot, which is actually easier to deal with, because at least you know the truth. Then there are all the fetishists with that craziness. It is very hard to meet someone outside of the World Wide Web nowadays because everyone acts as if it is so difficult to carry on a conversation without some kind of substance to help them out. And am I the only one who feels some type of way about having this discussion while some kid is stroking himself on the right of my screen?
I am old enough to recall the days when you met and maybe fell in love with a handsome gay man in a piano bar. Now it’s A4A and “no pics = no response.” However, I think you are describing a wider cultural phenomenon. I run a law practice and not long ago had an 35ish assistant (allegedly straight) who would only communicate with me by “texting.” I objected, referring to texting as a throwback to the Marconi Wireless. I even tried to explain that if you send me some piece of information, I’ll have three questions. “I’m a lawyer goddammit!” The 35ish would not relent and I had to fire him. The digital age: phones that are more camera than phone and that are never answered except with voice mail, etc etc. We have to accept that the technology is mindfucking the under 45s. We are on a strange evolutionary path to artificial intelligence and computer driven milling machines that can fashion you a new tooth right in the dentist office and if you throw it a piece of plastic and the right software, carve you out a lovely dildo in about 2 minutes. And the straights are just as infected by this as we gay men. I don’t think heady for pussy will do you or the lady any good. I use the technology to write and research but when my true love whom I adore comes home he often finds a vase of roses in his room. Its that beatch of a dilemma of resistance without over-reacting. Cocktails and occasional sea voyages help. But NEVER lose your greatest gift: our wicked sense of humor and the power of a withering glance. And if they can’t take a joke, fuckem.
I can identify with all of it. I thinks its even worse if you are in one of the larger gay meccas.
I think many Homo males can’t relate to this . I stopped being gay along time ago . I’m a HOMO I love MEN . I work to create the world I want by being good to ,affirming and encouraging Male loving Men to be the Man they want . It’s an investment in our future which I may not see but we all have to pay it forward .
While i’m proud to be a gay man, I have to say that, that was well put and I agree completely with what you said. Now days it just seems like a game, where the prizes are us being hurt, cheated on and rejected by shallow men.
It’s a shame because we as gays have come so far in society today, it’s a shame that with all the progress we’ve made in the U.S, we still have these issues.
damn, is true.
All these shirts and whores make us classy and put together people seem bad.
Do we have to define ourselves through our sexuality when there are so many other facets to our humanity. For instance, I would rather think of myself as a Catholic man than a Gay man, as one overshadows the other in ultimate importance. Perhaps it is time to transcend Gay Culture.
Very well said..but even worse there are gay people who sit and wait to take emotional and financial advantage of anyone trying g to be decent. Another obstacle in a minefield of loving other men.
@Eric i think the intent is very clear when you read through the post; rejecting the gay community for what it has become. Perhaps the person intend to try to pursure a heterosexual realtionship, but why would hat warrant therapy?
I agree with everything that was written by this insightful individual, and could not agree with him more. Some gay men are looking for a relationship, but a large majority are not, or they want a 3-4 person relationship. If that type of relationship works for you, then great, but it does not work for me. I feel the same as the person who posted this, and I also do not want to be a part of this “community” anymore.
Not sure why you would suggest the original author needs therapy…seems like he is self-aware in a healthy way and his thinking is pretty clear. Possibly he is realizing a different sense of self that does not mandate a classification as gay. Can one not prefer same sex relationships and just be a person with no label?
Maybe the answer is to just “be” without labels, without classification. Then we are who we are and what we do…on every level, not just a relationship/love/sex level. No labeled community, no labeled cause, no agenda other than be yourself and be kind to others.
You eliquently described some of the new processes of hooking and scoring. Yep of this electronic age, in my region the focus is on pics. It’s not that I am ashamed of what I look like, it has to do with the expectation, the expectation a guy is going to submit a pic on demand, I resent it. I, all but lost hope of meeting a Man long time ago, I have fine morals and values, and am a worthy person and so forth. Though into todays’ culture, yep, if I don’t like what I intially see, If you don’t go with the norm of showing a photo, there out of here. On the other hand, if there is not some intial caution, or better put some boundary or limits with the new trend, then I guess he ain’t the man for me anyways as were not sharing the same value system. I remember the day when no cell phones, no internet, no apps, and when you looked in my area it was little cruisey bookstores, 4 of in this area at one time with a population at that time of barely 60,000 people, so plenty of cruising spots. Now really to the content of the poster… I can’t imagine going back in our sexuality, the plumbing isn’t there, so to speak, if the spark, for female wasn’t there back in the day, can’t imagine a new one can be ignited. Though ain’t so sure, the caption was really identified accurately the author didn’t mention of how he’s going to ignite a part of himself, to be able to be with women. THough an excellent job of describing the trials and tribulations of today’s meat market. I came along way baby to want to try to revert to someting I don’t have the faint ess for. I just hope for hope, that by the grace of god, I meet a man one day, that we share similar values till then I work on not falling through the cracks and I hold my own on not conforming to today’s trend, show it or blow it….I keep my self busy with other things in this wonderous life, than to focus on whether I submit to the electronic pressue, by the way I show it on a4a, though this sites been a friend for yrs….though the odd part, really showing it rarely gets me more action…though the reality is I live in a really immature area of the country…SO be it!
I agree with Eric any kind of relationship between two people requires work weather your gay or straight and while the gay community at large might not be the greatest it’s always best to look at yourself and see what do you put fourth in the community are you someone who expects the change you hope to see or are you someone who brings about that change in the end sexual identity isn’t important its about the people you surround yourself with
So very true. I have called names, blocked, treated poorly, and had my pictures stolen. I think life would certainly be easier being straight. Women can see past external appearances for the most part, and take the time to know someone before deciding if they are worth knowing. I live I’m college town which means if you don’t fit the preppy, young, hipster, party boy life you might as well not exist. The gay life is so shallow and vapid, it’s hard to find the redeeming value in any of it. No one is perfect and trying to be is exhausting, so yes..I think it’s safe to say that headline is totally accurate.
Most of the reasons why I got married…
Very well stated, but these issues aren’t inherent to only “being gay”. The heterosexual world is just as self-destructive as it allows itself to be; it’s a matter of personal maturity and knowing where to draw the boundaries. If certain aspects of “gay” life compromise your ideals, then don’t allow yourself to adopt them. You’re your own worst enemy when deciding how far you’ll cross the line.
Eric, I think it is you that need the therapy. lol
What the author says is the truth as expressed by the other bloggers..The community is a whole does need a reality check. When we come out, we are supposed to come out into a community that is supportive, understanding and embracing(at least somewhat supportive).
But the reality is, the community we come out to as a whole, are folks who sometimes worse than our parents who are rejecting us.
Please do not try to play down or water down how cruel we can be to each other.Don’t be the wrong age, the wrong race, not masculine and not rich. You have a better chance of finding a 200 dollar lottery ticket than to find a guy who is interested in you..As we get older, we have two choices: either play along,continue the hurt or try to do something about it..personally, i try to be in the group that is doing something about it. I don’t believe we should be ashamed of who we are a whole. Because we exist for a reason. I have seen many of tears poured because someone put on five to ten pounds and everyone seemed to have noticed, or they got tossed aside because of being too femm, or the guy they are dating wants to be a woman.
Opening up your heart shouldn’t be met with a horror-style theme song. One of ways to improve your lifestyle is not to limit yourself to a small set of people..hangout in different settings in different areas of town..
Most important: Don’t hang/date folks who make you feel less than the beautiful self you truly are. Instead find friends who share your views, your thoughts. Being femm,trans should be a thing of beautiful, not curse. We are who we are, and support is where you find it.
It sounds like this dude is the one who cannot transcend stereotypes. Good god what a self-righteous steaming pile of crap. He spent way too much time in gay bars and now feels the need to be a representative of the gay community. Being a part of the scene, It doesn’t make the “gay-life” and more or less moral than the “straight-life”.
I am old enough too long for the old days. Things have changed, and not for the better. I find myself avoiding relationships because of the exact points that are covered here. you are right on point my friend unfortunately. I also do not fit into any category so neatly defined by today’s gays. I feel like an outcast in my own community.
While I agree with a lot of what you’re saying if you think it’s better with heterosexuals you are sadly mistaken. This is a human condition issue not sexuality based. If you take a deep look all these things happen on both sides of the proverbial sexuality coin. I’ve seen gay and straight relationships have all the same ups and downs. This is something that is an issue for us as people, time to remove the titles in this case. Sure I like men and don’t sleep with women. I’m simply me. I don’t identify with one sexuality or the other. I do yes use the word gay because it’s quicker then saying ‘I sleep with men’.
Very nicely said……..it is all true.
very well said. that’s why im transitioning to become the woman I always knew I could be. finally ill have a relationship with a real man. snap snap snap. my dick and balls are coming off in 2 weeks.
Its like you read my mind. I moved here from the Caribbean and I am shocked and shaken by the way gays live. I wish I could press the undo button but this is in my soul. Being “gay” is saying you are going to lonely. Broken Dreams sex, dick size, sex,more sex. Did I say sex? Yes. Beem here six months and Ive not Met annyone who has said lets go look at a movie. Six Months without contact is great but you crave it. Hate to say this, I am black, have a big ass dick, a professional, but I hate that I have to fuck to have meaning.
Well said Luis. We all have experienced this and as a bi sexual guy, I get shaded on all sides. Some times you need to recognize what a healthy relationship is. That may be one way to help
I know how you feel Luis and your story was well put. Based on the comments we are not alone.
Same here luis, dont have gay friends and i look around for friendship or brotherhood as u say, to find people alike, i dont think u need therapy, just its an issue that happen to all of us.. Sorry for muy english, its muy second language
Wow. The level of dramatic sex-negative heteronormativity dripping from this is just… eugh.
I need a shower.
I think what bothers me the most is this idea that you seem to have encapsulated the entirety of queer men in your descriptions when to me it’s a *minority* of who I’ve seen and interacted with. It makes me wonder where you are (geographically) and what’s happened to you recently that you feel the need to imply, essentially “if queer men were more like straight people…” with a completely clear conscience.
As though respectability politics weren’t the reason we were originally hunted killed and criminalized by the police (and even still are in many places around the globe AND here in the USA), as though respectability politics weren’t causing the exact same issues that you’re trying to name by forcing people to repress their desires and behaviors and instead act out, as though respectability politics aren’t the reason younger queer men are so disillusioned and disinterested in the modern queer community *as* a queer community and so are creating their own instead.
You could have chosen to talk about so many things with an article topic like this. The rampant transmisogyny and femmephobia in the community, including the exclusion of transgender men AS men and amab non-binary people who identify with masculine queerness. The systemic and acceptable racism and marginalization. The ableism and lack of neurodivergent sensitivity. The refusal to dissect ageism against the old AND young and to look really deeply at the often dangerous power differentials at play in our relationships. The rampant fatphobia and fat-fetishism with an insistence of objectification of fat people that completely dehumanizes. The complete denial of bisexual men as people who exist and are emotionally capable of queer relationships. The insistence on cisheteronormative models for understanding our relationships and sexualities. The very concept that queer/gay men are just like straight people only we have sex with men. The continued and historical tendency to deny the past of the queer rights movement as being generated, led, and fought for by trans women of color, along with Gay Inc’s refusal to consider the most marginalized *even among gay men* in its work, focusing on “marriage equality” instead of youth homelessness, under/unemployment, etc.
You could have done so much and instead decided to piss on it. Good job, though, instead of taking a critical eye and looking at the issues you’ve aced and their root causes and asking or suggesting “how can we fix this” you’d rather give up.
Must be nice to have other places to go when many don’t. Must be nice to shirk ownership or bias from anything you’ve experienced.
Must be nice to so thoroughly fail the spirit of those who fought and will fight for people like you to be uncomfortable in your own skin because we’re not all cishet enough, and not have to care because people will agree with you while quietly replacing your marginalization and pushing it only those already more marginalized than you.
I myself am trans. Not as in trans male or trans female but simply non-binary. This was after years of identifying as a gay male to little to no avail and lots of angst. Gay men usually want men in return; I transcend gender as it is a social construct. None of this has solved my loneliness, but at least I’m no longer chasing waterfalls.
I feel the same way sometimes and I got to remember that not all gays are like that. I have great friends that are gay, I had a great husband (passed away 01-17-2014) and its those people who remind me that not all gays are shallow, concieted, lying cheating, broke ass gays that run rapid in the gsy community. I think its this.. You starting to realize that you hate the labels the community tries to put on you as well as the str8 community. Perfect example the who LGBT thing. First of bisexuals and transgender is not the same thing, but yet we get group together, further more you get supposedly straight men who are married going behind their girlfriendwife’s back creeping with a dude but yet calling yourself str8.. It be some much easier if you called it for what it is and you starting to challenge those thing. You seeing things with different eyes and you don’t like what you see. Only you can change things by your everyday actions (that goes for those reading this post as well). Stop worrying about what’s going on around you and lay the foundation on the type of man you wanna be and move forward, eventually good men will see that and will be some great friends for you or even a boyfriend. Stay positive and don’t let the typical gay stuff get you down. There’s a lot of great, honest gays and I should for I am one, my husband was one, and some great ones on Adam as well.
How sad. Gay life is what you want it to be, and it certainly does not have to be the world that you describe.
Thank you! For the first time in years I feel not so alone.
Amen brother! I’ve not had a happy day since I first realized I liked other men. Lord knows I’ve tried, for decades, to get my act together and find someone to love me as I loved them. And here I am, still alone and so very tired of this life.
I hear this man’s voice but I wonder if he isn’t just commenting on life in general not just gay life. Some of the straight women I know have expressed exactly these same sentiments
Behind this extremely well-written screed on his perception of gay life lies a faint disingenuous air.
“I have struggled to adapt my moral code to fit the behaviors concomitant with the lifestyle”? Oh please.
Here is a guy that has been looking for love in all the wrong places and blaming it on society, the same society that has for decades forced us to play out our sexual desires in dark alleys and back rooms of hidden gay bars. And now this pompous twit is blaming society for his own inability to find true love? Give me a break.
I get the feeling that here’s a guy that wants to display his rhetorical flourishes and verbal skills to blame what he perceives as gay society for his own inability to find meaningful relationships.
I’m just not buying it.
Hey Eric, you should reread it again because I think you missed the entire point. We should be trying to bring ourselves up, not bring ourselves down if we seek societal acceptance (which you, and I, and everyone in the LGBT wants). I agree with this guy; I think we are following the latter which will lead us further away from that acceptance.
I find it interesting that when an opposing viewpoint or comment is made, it’s erased from the blog…
We make the world everyday with our actions. Refuse to accept the stereotypes and demand something better. Stop looking at the shell and find the heart of a person. Let down your barriers and refuse to allow others to keep theirs. In the end you chose as much as I do what the world is. How do you clean a house? You start at one point and work your way out from there. Change the world by changing yourself and others will follow. There are good guys out there but the packaging will not be stereotypical…. Look for them.
I totally agree with the writer and he wrote it very well.
We aligned ourselves under the identity of ‘gay’ to be part of a unified brotherhood. Unfortunately, most of what we see (and the world around us too) are the extremes.
We don’t need to necessarily identify ourselves commonly as ‘gay,’ especially when the definition tries to force another set of values upon us.
The complex problem I have been having is how do I find the brotherhood that shares the same values as I do. The desire to find my monogamous mate, and how will he find me…
How silly. Being gay is not something that one can turn on or turn off. The author’s complaints seem to revolve around being disappointed with dating–who hasn’t been disappointed with dating? His comment that he has “experienced all aspects of the life and can safely say that it no longer speaks to the person that I am or want to become” is pretty arrogant. Explore the multifaceted gay world–which involves travel and art and literature and church and volunteering and politics and cinema–make a contribution to that world, and stop whining.
Unfuckingbelievable… who just wrote this stuff? Luis Pabon or ME???
I couldn’t agree more. All true and all well-stated. Time to get back to a real world. The fantasies are tired.
I can neither agree nor disagree as always, wether you be a gay or a real straight, our lives as humans will always face various facets of challenges, triumphs and failures.
Life is full of choices and we cannot control things that are way beyond our comprehension.
We always can say ” I am the master of my fate , I am the captain of my soul.”
Eric.. what is the point of your comment? You actually agreed with the writer! One has to put out the work and the reality is that no one wants to do so, we (or most of us it seems) all seem to prefer hooking up to any form of friendship or intimacy!
You can like men and not be involved in the so called community. Just like with any other community, you can believe in Christ and not be a Christian. You can be white, black, yellow, purple, rainbow, whatever color and not be a part of the communities of each one. We all live in this world together and we are all one and you have the choice to surround yourself with like minded people. Calling ones self gay or straight is putting yourself into a box. And by even being in a community directed towards a label(white,black,christian,muslim,jewish,athiest,gay,str8,gaymer,new age,whatever it is) you put yourself into a box. Each and every one of us has a choice and if you do not like the community you are supposedly a part of, change your life. Rip down the walls around you. Get rid of the negativity and put forth effort into bettering your self and your life. Life isn’t about being part of categorized communities. Connect to the greater good man. It really might be time for therapy and not just in the psychiatric sense, but more on a personal ‘spiritual’ level. There is a whole new world waiting for you, you just have to take the steps to evolve your personal self and become who you were destined to be. Just like Elsa sings in Frozen, Let it go. Holding onto all those negative feelings will make you deteriorate and you’ll become a shell of who you once were. What does it mean to be gay? If your answer is full of negativity in which your post was, you can either be aware of it and do nothing(and let it eat at you), or use that awareness to step outside the box that is you and rediscover yourself. Do not identify with your sexuality or community. Each of us is more than that. I really do hope you end up happy. But it’s a choice and lots of people get stuck in a rut, it happens to everyone, but only you can escape your own hell. You are what you think.
Pretentious self loathing ramble.
Very well written Luis. However, I don’t think it’s so much you “don’t want to be gay”, I think I hear you saying you don’t want to be limited to nor a part of a “stereotyped gay life style”.
Only YOU can change that because what you have so eloquently described is not going to change. Any more than you can change being gay. I am grateful to have learned and experienced all the negative things you described. There is a better way for a gay man to live. I no longer limit my life to gay social occasions, gay friends, gay clubs and gay conversation. I have as many straight friends as I do gay and I am excepted and understood by all of them. The ones that couldn’t understand MY gay beliefs soon vanished. My beliefs are much the same as what you are looking for.
However, it appears you may be working too hard trying to MAKE things happen instead of just LETTING them happen. Letting it happen is not only the more natural thing to do but the more normal as well. I wish you well. When I was ready to give up on the gay life I changed my entire attitude. I made it clear to all, gay and straight, exactly how I define the gay life to be for MY life and I am much happier for it. Those that don’t agree and choose to follow the stereo type, I wish them well. I have chosen to follow my own desires and definition of being gay and I am a happy man for it. Still single but happy. If and when I meet someone to share my life with on a higher level than friendship I will be a grateful man but in the mean time I continue to be happy and do my best to live a gay life the way I feel it could be but never will be.
This article is pretty accurate. Sadly
speaks he ugly truth. It will not change anything or anyone sadly. Just nice to see others are feeling in a similar way.
i said this on a previous article, but why don’t the people that feel that way (and there are alot of them) establish a real way to communicate? there should ALWAYs be different factions of thought in the gay community, including the ones highlighted in this article. the problem is when we let one voice be the voice for all of us. thats up to us to change that dynamic, not the others who have already fulfilled their responsibilities by making themselves known.
Well lets see yes I would like to give up being gay myself I have all this mess for being older or not being a real bottom or not having a huge cock or simply put that Married Men want to be with me and expect me to be faithful them while the go home to their wife LOL!!! Really Queen?? I am a good person I can give someone a great life together and if you want to know me I will try but how much are you willing to put the effort I am going to put in ?? but then again this is Adam 4 Adam and you wont find happily ever after here but happily the min you cum is more realistic
Luis is right. Its not about people and relationships, but about vanity sweaty sex selfishness shallowness and vindictive judgement and risky hookups, anymore. Makes you not like people much, and makes you loathe to want to like people. But its not just gay men but all across the spectrum more pronounced in the LBGT community
Evidently the truth hurts. Blah blah blah. This crap is why you guys get nothing but dinner invites from other pissed off queens. Try finding a real guy by ditching the whining and bitching. They would get a woman if that’s what they wanted. This will not get posted. I don’t expect to. No balls to post anything.
Well put Luis. Well written, and I feel the same.
Men are pigs — straight or gay. No news there.
So I guess this author has just discovered that men are assholes. Sorry it took him so long to figure that out. I think this is something women have known for eons.
“I am too young for the good old days” Well if that’s the case you’re also too young to give up that easy. I’m not even 25 yet and I know finding someone worthwhile will not be anything even remotely close to easy, and that’s a universal truth (i.e. black, white, Asian, Jewish, Christian, gay, straight, etc.). It could take days, weeks, years, or even decades but it seldom ever happens overnight (well, it did with Romeo and Juliet but look what happened to them) so you’re just gonna have to keep trying. Some, maybe even most of the men you go out with might disappoint you but eventually you’ll find the one that won’t. Not all of us in the gay community you speak of are like that; if that were the case then you would be the exact same way. In summary it won’t be easy, nor will it be fast, but it will be worth it.
From a certain perspective one can easily acknowledge the experience this guy has had. However, Encountering negative people and situations IS NOT exclusive to the life of a gay man. Therefore I don’t agree with making a group of people look bad because one doesn’t know how to navigate through life – on his way out the door. He is only reinforcing stereotypes. Not every gay man is a reflection of your idea of what being gay is.
More or less the quality of what we recieve is governed by the quality of what we put out or give, that’s a basic principle of life, cause and effect. If one put in enough effort that person could find a whole group of people who exhibit positive qualities, gay or what ever.
What this story sounds like is a man who, in the beginning, explored his identity with optimism, which turned into hopelessness as a result of bad experiences..or a lack of courage to face challenges. And he is associating this hopelessness with being gay…is it blame? hmm. Is it pity? hmmm. Poor reasoning? should he take more control of his life and who he lets in it? hmm.
Please please please do us all a favor and just be straight. Remove yourself from our dating/fucking pool.
Actually, never mind. I don’t think the straight world deserves the burden of such a whiny, self-pitying fool as this either.
Gay life is not and NEVER was easy. I can relate to you Luis. I didnt come out of the closet until I was 27. I dated women before that and They are worse with the SEX games and I,m not that kind of a girl and every excuse in the book to NOT have sex with you and in anticipation you would leave. Its pretty much that in the gay world as well and I find it with the younger gay men. They do not want an old mans dick or a wrinkled butt. They want sugar daddies who will pay for sex..and run off with your money. I think that is a shame how older men stoop to that level to pay twinks for sex because obviously twinks are hot. I avoid anyone under 35 because of the immaturity level and severe lack of manners and values.. I find there are “Size Queens” out there who wont look at you unless you get 10 inches. Its sadly all out there BUT!!!!!!!!! If you develope a friendship which I know its hard but possible.. They will last LONGER than trying to find LTR. Friends seem to last longer and have a little bit more quality in it. I have friends who I have met over the years whi I kept for over 25 years. And some of them are friends with bennies. Developing friendships are a more positive hope than going right out for LTR I think. LTR is about how rich you are for the young and rarely do you have LTR for real LOVE towards each other. Yes the gay life is and was a drama theater but as you age you know how to avoid it . But the freedom of being one of the boys and bonding is beautifull but use your 6th sense “gaydar” to filter out trouble. In my case its younger men.
I AGREE COMPLETELY…
ITS THE REASON I STOPPED BEING GAY AND BECAME A HOMOSEXUAL.
HOMOSEXUAL LOVER OF MEN
GAY = IMITATION WOMAN,TOP OR BOTTOM,ITS THE MIND SET
It is sad but true. Hasn’t it always been that way? Our minds are perverted in the way we are made to see ourselves and how we perceive our sexuality by our families,society, and the church. We don’t understand the condemned attraction; and worse, there is no one who can begin to help us at least encourage us to appreciate ourselves as individuals, rather than being always identified and categorized by our sexual attraction. As a result, our ability to relate emotionally and open up ourselves to another person is screwed up along with our sexual behaviors, our minds, and in how we live out who we are. How can anyone love another when that person doesn’t understand or know who he is?
Nice comment AC
To really appreciate the article you only need to read the response of “Eric” to realize how “right on” the article is.
To be brief, with a typical all knowing “holier than thou” attitude, he insults the author, telling him to seek therapy for stating the obvious. He states relationships take work and one has to put forth the effort. The implied point of the article Eric, is that after you put in all the effort and work, gay guys treat other gay guys like shit, and it doesn’t take therapy to figure that out.
You can add Ken to the mix. No wonder why so many people hate us. I sometimes think the only reason why the nation has become so accepting of gay marriage is that many of them want us to be as miserable as they are.
Great article hit it just right fellow. Amen
Not to rub salt in the wound but the heterosexual world is nothing like this. As a bisexual male sexually active with both sexs for 39 years now, I feel very well qualified to speak on the subject. I have had 3 long-term gay relationships in my life and they all ended poorly, mostly for the reasons stated in the article. I still hook-up. Thank you A4A for that! But you couldn’t get me any where near a pride parade now. Community? Seriously? The hypocrisy is too much! The straight world is a lot less fucked up than the gay world. I wish it wasn’t so, but it is.
I thought i was the only one who felt like this. Its glad to know there are others who want to shed the stereotypes,evolve, and redefine this lifestyle.
Scathing, but true in many respects. However, to disengage from a dynamic you can’t control (and that doesn’t apply to all gay men) only sends the message: If I can’t win, I don’t want to play the game. It underscores the same selfish, defeatist, superficial stereotypes of which you loathe, and that you also associate with being gay. I agree: The road to finding true love is often wrought with anxiety, fear, pain–bad dates and random hookups, too–but by “giving up being gay,” you also stifle the possibility of finding that which you most desire (and that you are unable to hide, even by the bitter words you express here).
yeah, yeah… we fags are the worst thing on Earth.
Got it.
And the alternative to being gay is either being asexual or expecting better experiences by “becoming” something that they aren’t; with the bonus of dragging down some innocent woman that you will invariably find fault with anyway.
Dry your tears, you sound like you’re WAY too old to be playing “Emo.”
I totally agree. I came into the acceptance of being gay late in life. I lived the life everyone else wanted me to for the first 45 years of my life. When I got divorced I thought that I can now be who I am. Then I found out how shallow most gay men are. It was a rude awakening. I did not cheat on my wife as I have experienced a lot of men do. I was totally faithful. I expected to be able to find that faithfulness with a man. I have found it impossible. The men out there seem to say what you want to hear just to get you in bed then you never hear from them again. It is sad that a society that begs for acceptance does not provide that same acceptance.
I AM IN TOTAL AGREEMENT. I HAVEN’T WANTED TO BE GAY ANYMORE FOR YEARS. GLAD SOMEONE SPOKE UP!
THANK YOU!!!
All I can say is WOW. I have never read anything on this site that is more true and honest as this was.
It’s true, some people get lucky and meet the guy of their dreams and walk off into the sunset happily ever after. But that’s not the case for many of us who go from guy to guy hoping that someone will want to get to know us for more than just our looks or sex. But the truth is that most of them really aren’t interested in that.
The very saddest part is when you get a bit older and start losing your looks, then they don’t even want you for sex anymore. I’m in that boat now, I was super hot in my ’20’s but now the looks are starting to fade a little and guys are starting to not pay attention anymore. It sucks.
The gay life can be a very sad one indeed, and is for many people including myself. I can relate to Luis about not wanting to be gay anymore. I certainly don’t want to be gay anymore either. Although there are some benefits, overall it’s a very hard, difficult, and sad way to live.
I agree and I am so so tired and angry of being obsessed with dick and ass. It has prevented me from reaching my goals almost ruined my life. I have broken many hearts because I just can get satisfied. I see myself as a terrible obsessed liar.
One word I have to let this horrible life go……I really wish I could….
Thanks for the article.
I wish to be A real friend to the arthur….not Gay friend but real sexless genuine friend for real.
Not all gay guys treat other gay guys like shit. The author made a lot of generalizations from his personal experiences.
You’ll find the exact same things in the straight world also has nothing to do with your sexual orientation,the world/people are just ducked up!!!
I am sad when I read these kinds of things. I have had a great time in my life and have had great relationships and friends. Sometimes its not everyone in the communities fault who one picks as friends and lovers. I do understand that people do lie and show us another side than what they originally showed. But you are suppose to learn from that. My first two lovers were a dissaster but I picked them no one picked them for me. I learned and have had quality relationships since. Surround yourself with better people. If all gay guys are bad then that means no one commenting is good.
It’s amazing how you’ve put into words what I’ve been feeling for so long. Let’s hope for both of us that we meet someone of quality versus the quantity of nothing that exist out there.
Many may agree with you, however I will not be one encourage you to continue down the destructive path you are finding yourself.
The same experience you are finding in relating to gay men, exist also in straight folks. You will have to decide within yourself not to let anyone kill the spark and joy of the person within. Be happy with others does not mean you need to let them cloud, judge or have sexual encounters with you. Just get clear in who you are, what you want and you will attract the few individuals into your circle that should be there.
I have not read anything that has captured my view of the gay life style as this blog. We are mean, arrogant people and self-loathing and righteous. One of my friends has been cast to the side by his friends just because they do not agree with the person he has dated now for over a year. How sad. Should we even call them friends. As a minister, I have heard stories like these over and over again and people wonder why the suicide rate is higher in our community. How even sadder that Crankyd just does not get it. You must be living life out of rosy colored glasses. As an African American male, this is reality and I see it everyday. Sorry if the truth hurts.
ok so go and marry a woman….then you will become one of those who “plays” on the side…cause you still a fairy that craves the touch and feel of another man….and besides it’s no different in the “straight” world….
I feel like this man, and have for years. I just turned 50 and I feel like my hope for real love is gone. Although I know it is wrong and selfish, I think about suicide everyday.
WELL THE VOTES HAVE BEEN CAST AND TALLIED….IT APPEARS THAT YOU HAVE HIT A HOME RUN. YOU ALSO HAVE SAID WHAT MANY OF US HAVE FELT AND THOUGHT…. KEEP WRITING AND BLOGGING AND MAYBE WE WILL SEE A CHANG IN OUR LIFE TIME FOR THE BETTER…. THOSE WHO HAVE COMMENTED NEGATIVELY MAY NEED TO DO SOME SELF EXAMINATION….YOUR ANGER ABOUT WHAT HE SAID MIGHT JUST BE CONVICTION. FOR HE MAY HAVE BEEN TALKING ABOUT YOU AND YOUR LIFE STYLE CHOICES THAT DO EFFECT US ALL
Add mine to the agree pile! 🙁 See what it’s like to be an “older” gay man of average build and appearance. Rejection, mocking, loathing hate for you become your best friends by FORCE, NOT by our choice, in this so called “community”. I was going to say that the “community” has never done anything for me, but I stand corrected. It has taught me how not to be a better person.
You could also turn this whole story around and say all the same things and the heading could read ‘I no longer want to be straight’. Try this. Life is a pain factory, gay or straight. You must grow spiritually and all good things will come your way. Nothing happens in life before spiritual growth, only after. You are attracting everything into your life. Look around you and see if you are happy with what you are attracting. Meditation and prayer will help you love who God created and accept the life you will go forth to lead. Don’t look for blame. Be the change you want to see.
I believe every word he stated is so true at least in my life. To say hello to someone these days is nothing but risking a rude tacky comment in return. Finding a date is something that rarely happens. Most want only the moment of satisfaction.It sure makes masturbation more rewarding. Love of yourself does help those lonely moments.
Yes! Yes! I am just as excited as Meryl Streep at this years Oscars. I literally have stopped identifying myself as gay. I tell people im straight because all i ever have sex with anymore are Straight men. I rarely ever hook up with gays because there are too many pieces in the some assembly required aspect with no instruction manual. I can’t stand the superficial labelling attitudes and lack of compassion gay men express. Im a hooker and to have this attitude is an act of poor customer service. Compassion acceptance and manners were a huge part of my raising and gays are terrible at all of these but then again, most humans are.
Thanks man for expressing what I felt for years. The majority is on the same page.
What a read and I’m amazed at all the agreements. I am also there too; I’m afraid to respond to many messages here and on Grindr. One hello and it is “let’s hook” and God forbid you say “I’m all set; you’re just not my type”!!!
I’ve been called a faggot by more gays than straights….hell I don’t think any straight has called me anything bad…ever.
Too bad we just can’t smile and talk.
Maybe you should start a group for all of us ‘who don’t want to be gay anymore’ ? and see what happens. friendships maybe, companions maybe, partners maybe, sexless all?
We were Rebels once a upon a time, now mainstream almost.
Promiscuity is ours because we can be, sex is quick and sometimes very easy. How do we celebrate that ? hide it away ? No. we can’t. We need to embrace it love it and ourselves….???
Really? You think this is limited to gay men only? Do you not know any hetero’s that have the same issues. And let’s not forget what I children engage in these days! How many young boys and girls have hit the send button when that nude selfies was only to be a joke. Gay me don’t have the corner on being shallow. As the say g goes, be the the change you to see not he world! It’s about chapter not being gay.
Umm.. excuse me, but am I the only one seeing a certain irony to an opinion piece like this on a blog attached to a hookup site?
Seems like most of you people agree with the article, yet here you all are on Adam4adam….I’m sure people don’t come to this website to converse with one another about the weather or some other trivial thing. Not making it as a gay man and whining about it makes you kinda gayer; women don’t find whiners appealing. Stop with the poor me nobody wants me, or I’m to old now. Get over it life goes on it can be cruel and difficult, feeling sorry about your self only makes your emotions worse. So get up turn off your computer clean yourself up, and go out. Don’t go to meet someone just go to have fun. Wherever you decide to go; just take a page from Elsa and let it go… throw a little glitter in the air and have fun.
The problem is, unless you suddenly have a desire to be with a woman, you’re stuck with being gay, whether you like it or not. Besides, what you say may be true about _many_ gay men, and the gay “community” at large, but it is not true of _all_ gay men. What you are saying is that you are giving up and, ultimately, that says more about you than it does about us.
The writer makes it seem as though the gay community was some kind of club he joined because he thought he liked what it’s all about — and then realized it wasn’t “as advertised” and now he wants out. It does not work that way. The gay community isn’t going to change because you’re threatening to quit, and you’re not going to stop being gay simply because you don’t want to be gay. Lord knows, there’d be a whole lot fewer gay folks if it really did work that way. No, this is the reality of the situation. You can have opinions — PERFECTLY VALID opinions — but that doesn’t change reality. This is a problem that *I* have with gay people: they don’t want to live in the real world. My advice: observe and adapt. That doesn’t mean you should change who you are. Instead, I mean you should adapt your strategy. Based on the writing, it seems the strategy is to whine, complain, and threaten to go straight. That won’t work. Find a better strategy. You’ll be glad you did.
Wow, finally some honesty about the whole damn mess. I couldnt have put it better myself. I completely agree!
I must admit that I’m surprised by the number of folks here who agree and identify with the writer. Your opinions are honest and clearly how you feel. There is truth to your assertions, and we all have faced disappointments in this lifestyle. However, I see no point in lamenting how bad or disappointing it is or how you perceive it is. Being attached or detached from of the gay community is your choice, and you have every right to make it.
So do what you say you are going to and withdraw….or not. Find happiness elsewhere with others closer to your perspective and long term goals….or not. You have a majority of support from the responders here, so maybe that’s a new community for you to pursue…or not.
If you want something different, you won’t get it until you do something different. But whatever the choice you make, make it. and don’t opine about it how things shouldn’t be like they are. We’re all big boys here and responsible for our own well-being or lack thereof. Good luck.
The article touched some crucial facts about gay men being superficial and dismissive of others on the dating or hooking up scenes in addition to other shared behaviors among nongay men about having as many uncommitted relations or young good looking people in bed as possible, etc. Those are not new behaviors nor only owned by just gay men. Men are generally irresponsible, wreckless, careless, emotional unavailable, competitive (money, power, sex), etc…. The list goes on and on. These are learned behaviors from traditional or cutural heterosexual males of previous generations but just happen to be reapplied for many homosexuals. Whether or not the author doesn’t want to be gay any more based on his premature summarization of gay community is a PREMATURE CONCLUSION for his way of giving up being gay like it is just a choice or a lifestyle. I know this is just an opinion and I do empathize with his shorted view of gay men since we have to go through all these processes or rejections of so called dating or relationships or just sex relations. However, instead of blaming on the obvious flaws of men why don’t we choose another route of creating a better standard of how to behave responsibly, living with dignity when treating other people especially the ones we love and refuse to be put down for no reason by those who might look better in a certain way or accidental blessed with good heredity but in fact already fucked up in their mental states. It’s easier said than done but life has many stages of struggle especially in a life of a real gay man not the type who just likes to manipulate people for his selfish conquest, perpetuating the gay stereotyped behaviors and does nothing to improve other peoples lives and definitely nothing to better the gay community. Be your healthy self or improve yourself as needed either physically and or financially and live a good gay life without letting those pesky people affect your psyche. Success is the best revenge in a gay or straight world so never give up!
I have two observations from reading both the post and the comments:
1) A LOT of guys share similar feelings — there are 105 responses right now, and nearly 100 of them say this post reflects their feelings. Even if the moderator is deleting disagreeing responses (as has been intimated by a couple responders), that is still a hell of an endorsement. Its clear that a lot of guys feel this way, and their feelings shouldn’t be so easily dismissed by guys who have a different point of view.
2) The guys who disagree have responses that fall into one of two categories — either they belittle the original writer for sharing his honest feelings (which actually serves to reaffirm the inhumane way the writer feels that the gay community treats each other), or they make the claim that gay men are no worse than heterosexuals, etc., as if this invalidates his feelings.
Even if you didn’t agree, its clear that this is his experience. It shouldn’t be that difficult to show some empathy and human regard instead of berating him, calling him a whiner, queen, etc., which again, only reinforces the point of his post.
My sentiments exactly, LoveAbound! You are the master of your own fate, and may choose your own pathway and those with whom you wish to share it. I think if our society embraced a more “European” view of sexuality not defining our being, we would be more content with ourselves, and less disappointed with the actions of others. Stop boxing ourselves into pre-conceived ideas of what’s bi, gay, straight, etc. and just be human!
I agree with this article with all of my heart. I am truly bi and it is not the same in the str8 world. Gay men are so much more fucked up. All the meth, risky behavior, selfishness, self destructive behavior, and down right whorish behavior is sickening and disheartening. …racism, ageism, so many self defeating behaviors. And i see it everywhere i go in the different gay communities. Different cities and countries. So much negativity. I am in the process of leaving this lifestyle alone and going back to women. It was so nice to hear I am not alone.
This is what you get when you believe the lies of the right. Being gay isn’t what you do, but it’s who you are. Luis defines “gay” as what you do with your dick and how you interact with certain elements of the gay community–elements that are just as prevalent and pervasive in the straight community. Being gay is not a “lifestyle,” and it never will be, despite the bleatings of the religious Right. If you’re not getting satisfaction from spending all your time online and you’re interactions online, change what you do. But if you’re gay, it’s not going to change who you are if you change what you do. But the self-loathing and the self-pity expressed in this little pile of vomit may very well damage the very people who need the support and encouragement to come out, and who, after reading this, may decide to make some potentially tragic choices.
I’m a native San Franciscan who grew up during the 70’s. 17 and a sophomore at college in the city. Although we risked police brutality for the ease of the younger generation of gays now, I feel the same as Eric and couldn’t agree more. Books by their cover, shallowness and inability to commit are the sad present state I feel more than the pride I felt in my teens, I’d quit carrying the rainbow flag if I could but at 61 who else am I.
It is what u make it. I would love to come out and be free and forge my true path. That would be a dream come true. So I come from the other side.
Just enjoy being gay. Your life. There are good gay guys out there. It’s just where you look 🙂
Only the comments that agree with the blog are getting through. Posts that disagree are being censored. I’m not the only one to notice this.
What a bunch of whiny ass pussy bitches. “Oh I don’t like what other people are doing so I don’t want to be gay any more.” Grow up and put on your big girl panties. You sound like petulant five year olds bitching that the kid down the street didn’t let you play with their toy.
Being gay is what ever you make of it.
If you don’t want to be gay any more then such the fuck up and go chase some poon-tang, some pussy, get down with those women.
If you don’t like what you see around you then change it. Otherwise grow a pair of balls and shut up.
you can change who you are guys
My sentiments exactly. first of all we neglected the fact that most of the guys you encounter in this so call rainbow community lacked spiritual physical and emotional guidance from jump street. Or for whatever reason lost site or never found self worth nor personal responsibility of one actions towards self or others. Those individuals have migrated within the alternative scene causing mass destruction upon an already compromised moral base. So listen up when I say this Angels vs Demons wasn’t just limited to a certain gender of ppl .with that being said whether you are straight or gay you must be in control of those three things I mentioned earlier in the note if not it will control you leaving a bitter sweet taste of the so called rainbow community and perpetuate the spiralling destruction of an already compromised movement. Fellas I say this love right now.u gotta love God Youself and then all other things that are added unto that foundation.. ps.live well..
More importantly, I’m tired of ripoff property taxes in Portland !!! All that hard-earned $ down the flusher. I can get off the gay grid , but not this nightmare grid !!!!
It’s been my constant thought as long as I remember. I’ve never fit the mold of a regular society to begin with, add to that becoming an individual within a subculture and surprise surprise, I’m fucked! There is nothing about the ill named Gay “Community” that attracts me. You’ve covered the essence of what turns me off which includes the many prejudices that exist within this subculture. Add to that the incessant pride of being a culture that holds the most Vapid of ideals high in regard and you have the reason why if I could, I’d leave this shit behind. Although I’ve never given a shit about people’s opinion of me, which has made me an outcast once again in a culture were I thought I’d find support. I grew up surrounded by straight friends and their tastes and culture are deeply engrained into who I am, so when I am exposed to the over the top bullshit that is what “Gayland” as I call it is all about, I feel deeply within me the need to distance myself. Thus, sadly I have resorted to the occasional “hook up” to get my fix. Then I go back to my scheduled hanging out with straight friends. They’ve asked me why I’m still single, and I tell them, I honestly hate the “Fag” culture.” Yes, I’m an asshole, deal with it. Any relationship I’ve had has always ended with my partner cheating on me with someone who by my standards is an insult, shit! At least hook up with a guy I can look at and understand that “Oh, ok, I see why..” As far as I’m concerned, I’m not part of this “Community”, I get more support from my straight friends on any given day. And thanks to the bitchy, queeny, shallow and undeniably stupid culture, they’ve been reduced to a temporary fuck hole as far as I’m concerned.
This got my attention Luis, It is well written and I understand your feeling. I especially understand the ageism issue; all gays who are 19 if they live long enough will get old in their 60’s and 70’s. I am old enough to know it much to do with the modern age of Iphones, I see more young people looking at their phones then looking where they are or at people. Eventually this makes for any empty life. People were made to talk, touch each other not text to each other.
Luis, when I was younger I was a GLBT rights crusader. I even helped found one of the first GLBT community centers in the South. When you’re young, you’re idealistic and all life is fun and exciting. When you’re older, you become more level headed. I came out long before the Internet was a household name and when AIDS was killing off my friends and loved ones every other month. Trust me gay men don’t treat each other any better than they did before there was the Internet. Gay men are men, and men (straight or gay) are just sexual and wandering. What keeps many straight men on the right path is women- it’s a yin/yang thing. I’m lucky that I’m still attracted to women enough to be on the path to finding a wife. Then I can get out of this life of despair and coping. But the tendencies won’t fade. Truth is that if there were a REAL and VIABLE cure to homosexuality most gay men would take it. When I see an elderly married heterosexual couple I think of permanency, love, and devotion. I think of a history of children and grandchildren and values being handed down. When I see an elderly gay couple I just feel sadness and pity. I don’t care what anyone here says they feel the same thing when they see two old guys together. Life’s not fair and right now we can’t change our sexuality or sexual hunger anymore than we can switch brains. Just do what I do, accept it; and know that these are the cards dealt to us by the Universe. Make the best of it you can. Life is short and we’ll all be dead before we know it.
I appreciate the point of view of the article. I’be only lived the gay culture for about 5 years now. I probably even represented what you talk about for most of those years. I definitely was a straight whore all about sex but if you aren’t looking for a relationship I really don’t see the big deal. We are in an age of superficiality in general and it’s not just regulated to the gay community. I just find it difficult to admonish an entire community like this. Everybody doesn’t fit under this bill. We all grow and learn in this life and your perspective changes through experiences and age. Not wanting to be gay sounds more like a personal issue than anything else. You can’t blame other people for that. Trust me if you are looking for perfection in others you will be miserable. I embrace the gay culture. Even the parts that I don’t accept me or I may not necessarily agree with. Just because you are gay doesn’t mean you aren’t human. These are all human issues.
I applaud Eric for writing the absolutely “true T”.
Discrimination on all levels these days, having lived through the 70’s in San Francisco, is rampant & a cancer only growing in the gay community. Shame on those that take their gayness to ugly levels of existence. Where’s gratitude to we who survived and paved the way for the gay youth of today. And thanks so much to those who are now the “sages of the gay community”!
I’m in love with this article! He’s so damn Right it’s not even funny! I honestly find this community of ours to be extremely pathetic and disgusting. So many vain egotistical scumbags that are in love with cliches and stereotypes….literally become them! Ugh makes me sick.
Sounds like something I would have wrote. I hate being gay as well. Once you get past a certain age, they don’t bother with you unless you compensate in the gym. I find this to be a lonely empty and hedonistic lifestyle, not to mention dangerous with STD’s around every corner. I must be the only person left who DOESN’T want to be infected with things like HIV.
Well said, I couldn’t agree more man!!
I have been saying that I am not gay for years. It is a shallow world and the self loathing has gotten out of control. I am for a democratic society and the right to choose ones political party. But since all these sad men claiming to be gay and going republican I have had enough. The ultimate queen those gay republicans. Look at me I am a republican screw you guys !!! I just want to have fun and I sure do. It is so much better looking on the outside into this gay world. This is a revolution happening amongst rational men. I am in!!!
The author of this article makes the same mistake we excoriate anti-gay people for making: lumping all gay people into one pile and promoting the lie that all gay men act a certain way, that we’re all promiscuous, cheaters, with no moral code. This, as we know, is bullshit. The author of this piece doesn’t want to stop being gay. That’s like saying you want to stop breathing air. just because th guys you’re dating make you unhappy doesn’t mean that the problem is with all gay men. I can’t believe I have to point that out to gay men.
I think the headline should have been, “I No Longer Want to Be a Drama Queen.” If you are hanging around what you don’t like, that’s your own fault. Stop wallowing in shit. No one forces anyone to be online looking for companionship. There are plenty of other ways to get that. This very much sounds like a person who will go to a library to proclaim they don’t like books. Grow up and get some help.
The owners of this site should elevate Fluffy’s response to its own post, to provide an equal, sane counterpoint to this editorial mess.
Luis, you are just another self-loathing and self-centered faggot screaming me, me, me!
I want, I expect, I deserve!
I the same type of person and I fell like I have the right to have the man of my dreams beside me – now!
My truth is that I have gone a stray and have been looking for and expecting to find Prince Charming in the gutter. I forgot about looking to heaven. When I look to heaven, I automatically smile but when I look down into hell I frown automatically.
I’ve decided to pray for a man! I don’t want to find myself sitting around in saunas on Sunday afternoons when I hit forty, I want to spend my Sunday afternoons walking hand in hand with my man or enjoying life with my friends until he comes home from his business trips!
I don’t know about you but I am happy to be gay and I wouldn’t change or exchange it for the world. Maybe how I’ve going about getting or losing men I would think twice about.
So take all that hate that you got built up in your heart and just hand it over to God. I know he’s ready to bless me. Maybe he’ll get you ready to be blessed with a man too.
Guys, don’t forget to ask God for a man; he’s on our side – you can see that by looking back at our history. He’s been our provider!
I am not going to congratulate this man for being brave or telling the truth, as many others here have done so far…for whatever bizarre reason. Personally, I think the entire thing is nothing but a self serving, stinking pile of horseshit. “I don’t want to be gay anymore, cuz it’s all just so awful…”
This is a litany of self-righteous accusations and complaints about “self-loathing men who can’t or won’t help themselves from living up to all of the evil and immoral stereotypes” the world at large has used to oppress and marginalize gay people, written by someone who CLEARLY started out with his own pretty healthy case of self-loathing. Nevertheless, he conveniently transcends his “fear and shame” long enough to pursue in what appears by his own description to be a decade(s)-spanning, headlong rush to embrace and engage in quite a few of the stereotypical and “immoral” behaviors he now complains so bitterly about and condemns the entire gay community for. Of course, he’s not the same as the rest of the sick, twisted homos – HE did all that shit but he can’t be blamed or judged for it…he was just being a rebel, ya know. But he’s done with that now, (thank God!) and unlike the rest of the entire gay male population, he managed to emerge from this “rebel phase” with no long-term negative effects. Now he’s a responsible, loving man with a strong moral code, a beautifully well-balanced mental state, with a perfectly healthy sense of self-esteem, and free of any negative thought or behavior patterns or neurosis. And now, this poor sad paragon of virtue can’t find another paragon like himself, which is OBVIOUSLY through no fault of his own but is because all of the other gay guys are evil cartoons come to life. His response? Log in to the gay sex hook-up site, make a dramatic announcement nobody was waiting for to tell everyone he’s quitting the team because they’re just not worth the time. He’s had enough dick now (of course, I’m sure everybody still wants him and he is constantly fending off admirers – and this is by no means a bitter response to being relegated to the ranks of the less relevant by the evil machinations of hot young gay studs who won’t talk to him but who he wouldnt fuck anyway even if they begged for it because they clearly lack any sense of morality or decency and therefore are not worthy of his time or attention) Wait – who the f*ck am I kidding? I’m pretty willing to bet that is EXACTLY what this is all about.
Why? Because he is quickly joined by a veritable flock of other gay men who strangely all have similar stories to tell and gush forth with the admission that “they thought they were the only one who felt this way.” If nothing else, THAT is an almost guaranteed sign that the historical account you just read diverged from factual reality somewhere in the first paragraph.
If you cannot recognize the source of all of this man’s unhappiness by his own words, I’ll be surprised. I won’t be surprised, however, when you recognize it but claim that you don’t and attack me instead.
And all these guys who don’t want to be gay are on this gay hook up site. Uh huh. I am very happy to be gay, always have been. In a relationship going on 46 years now. Blessed beyond anything I expected. Life is not easy for anyone, gay or straight, grow up, learn to deal with it, take responsibility for yourself and your choices, instead of whining about not having it all handed to you.
After 40 years I also pulled away from gay life when your young and dumb and full of cum as they say life is fun guys only look at youth in this moment of time! Very few guys think about their future for medical care retirement keep the music flowing and I am happy! Well I got old can still dance much better then the younger dudes but I retired from the federal government with a nice pension and benefits now I really enjoy life. I am not making straight owners wealthy in the clubs that they own laughing the whole way to the bank on the expense of young gay men. This is 2015 when you meet a sweet guy u better try to make it work we all get old my friend!
Hi Luis,
I’m saddened to hear that the entirety of your experience has been so negative. With that said, I would hope you would not condemn an entire group of people, painting such a broad stroke, based on your singular history and experience. While I too have run into many of the issues you have mentioned, I have also had the pleasure of seeing the good side as well. I have been privileged to know many long term, committed, loving gay couples.
Yes the internet has in many ways served to create an artificial world, often devoid of true intimacy, a tool for rude and cowardly people to hide behind. But I do think there are other avenues to meet people of quality, whether they be gay, straight, bi or whatever. Try involving yourself in a sports league (volleyball, softball, bowling, gay Olympics, etc), try volunteering for a cause you believe in. You might be surprised to find like minded people, who are decent, kind, caring and just searching for love. Again while I agree with some of your statements and have shared some of your experiences I can’t in good conscience condemn an entire group of people, that is prejudicial and all too easy. I urge you to not give up, be true to yourself, true to your values. May you one day find love, peace and happiness in whatever form that takes and works for you.
this was already published on thoughtcatalog last year. lol
I wish profile IDs were required on these comments. There are several here that agreed with the article that I would love to at least have as friends…..and perhaps find my LTR. =)
To all the “Agree” men on this post. You now have men who feel the same as Luis and yourself and have a great pool of “Perfect Gay/Bi/formerly Gay” men to choose from. I wonder though…will you still find fault with each other?
Me: GAY and PROUD!
I am in my 40s in a 20+ plus year relationship and surrounded by a small group of loyal gay friends. It pains me to hear your lamentation. What are you as a person contribute to the GAY COMMUNITY?
As someone who’s bi, I noticed that the original article and the comments all never seem to mention an obvious (to me) fact: men are constructed differently than women, and so when it’s a male-male sexual relationship, it is just going to be different than a male-female or female-female sexual relationship.
Men have a much different and generally much stronger sex drive than women, and this is mostly due to testosterone levels (which are much higher in men). In fact, testosterone is used in both men and women to treat low sex drive. If you have ever known a woman who is taking testosterone to transition from F to M (I’ve known several), she will tell you that she is much, much hornier than she normally is, and wants sex all the time. (Conversely, as M to F trans people take hormone therapy, their need for a “release” goes down considerably.)
Men are much, much more likely to enjoy sex just for the sake of sex, without the need for a strong emotional attachment. They will also have a much greater compulsion to have sex more frequently. Many men will happily have sex with a complete stranger. Most women will not. It’s really about biology — hormones to be precise.
If you doubt that male and female sex drives are constituted differently, ask yourself: Why are almost all sex workers for male clients? Why are almost all strip clubs aimed at men? Why is almost all porn (gay and straight) aimed at men? And why are almost all the sex dating websites (like Adam) aimed at men? How many lesbian sex dating sites are there? And why do “hetero” sites like alt wind up with a 10 to 1 male to female ratio (whereas on places like match there are slightly more women than men)?
So when it’s a male-female relationship or a lesbian relationship, it is going to be about more than sex — because the woman will insist upon it (99% of the time). Even if the man in a straight relationship actually only wants sex, he’ll at least have to act the part, and pretend he cares about the woman as a person. (Which is why the predominate complaint women make about guys is that they’re shallow, they’re cheaters, they won’t commit, and they only care about sex. Sound familiar?)
But when it’s two guys, if they’re both horny — guess what? They’re going to fuck, because there’s no one and nothing to stop them.
This is not about any difference between gay men and straight people. This is about the difference between men and women.
This does not mean a gay man cannot have a deeper and more enduring relationship that is based on more than just fucking. It just means that a gay man will have to make a conscious effort to not be lead around by his dick all the time, and will have to make a conscious effort to look for other men who feel the same way.
And I agree that in the long run you’ll be happier (and less lonely) if you look for more than just a lot of wild sex. On the other hand, when I’m really horny . . . .
I’m 56. I have never turned down a decent guy because of age young or old. Sex for me is about the man. I have to be aattracted to him. Sense of humor, build, looks, smile, how he treats others, intelligence all play a part. Age isn’t the first thing I use to accept or exclude a guy. The things a guy can’t change I don’t figure into a decision. I’m thought of as straight if you didn’t know me. I have little patience for drama. I love kids. Guys like me are out there. Disconnect and see who finds you. You may be surprised what happens. I was.
I am extremely disappointed by this article and all the comments saying other men feel the same exact way.
This whole thing just reeks of the assumption that being gay is something you can switch on and off at a whim. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but that is not the case at all. If that were the case, then all of the people who favor gay conversion therapy and wanting you to ‘just stop’ being gay would have a valid point. We all know that this is absolute bologna though. A person’s sexual person is part of who they are – it is not determined by their actions. A gay person does not magically stop being gay if they choose to enter a heterosexual relationship.
You can deny the self-loathing and internalized homophobia all you want, but it is there. Moving on…
If people are not treating you well or behaving in ways that you do not approve of, then the logical thing to do is to simply stop surrounding yourself with those people. People can and will be heartless bastards regardless of their sexual orientation, age, race, etc. It is not as simple as thinking ‘Oh, I was treated poorly by the gay community. I am going to stop being gay.’ The absolute absurdity in that way of thinking is comparable to thinking ‘Oh, I was treated by the Caucasian community. I am going to stop being white.’ That is not going to happen. Your sexual orientation is a defining characteristic of yourself just as your race is.
You claim how liberated you felt when you first identified yourself as a gay man. You finally felt like you were granted the freedom to stand up for who you are as a person. What happened to that? As mentioned above, if you have a problem with the gay community, then stand up for yourself and stop associating with those people who drag you down.
On a side note, if you identified yourself as gay just because you wanted an excuse to defy authority and drink alcohol, do drugs, have sex, and party, then you are a horrible human being. That behavior contributes to all the bull shit stereotypes, reputations, and discrimination that gay people face.
Being afraid of or not wanting commitment is a natural human behavior that some people face regardless of their sexual orientation. Moving on…
At least you still recognize your attraction to other men. So you have not completely dived off the deep end. It sounds to me like you are on your way though. I honestly advise that you spend some serious time thinking about how your beliefs are rooted in hurtful stereotypes.
TL:DR – Internalized homophobia. Being gay is a trait, not an action. Hurtful stereotypes. Bye Felicia
Don’t want to be gay anymore? Like you have a choice!
The words that Luis crafted ring true sometimes, but the dilemma he describes is not hopeless.
When initiating a conversation, or getting to know a new guy even better–always say what you mean and mean what you say. Tell him you have the utmost respect for those who do the same. That’s such a basic, simple process that’s almost never verbalized. It’s so radically different from today’s norm that it sometimes makes a profound impression if the other guy takes a little time to comprehend.
Concentrate on discovering, and appreciating, those things about the other guy that can’t be measured with numerals. Numerals bad. Character, honesty, aspirations good. Go with those. Tell him that’s how you roll. Tell him you respect guys who roll like you do.
In our digital world, it is oh so easy and convenient to click here, there and everywhere to “order” your “perfect” Ken Doll. But Ken won’t make you happy. And you can’t make Ken happy. It is also too effortless to simply “block” or “unfriend” those who don’t match your idea of what Ken should be like. And it can be done to you, too.
It was so much better pre-digital to have to go out and actually meet new guys for the first time face-to-face. It was all about eye contact then, followed by in-person conversation. Yes, there was game playing but it wasn’t so easy to be dismissive. More friendships and relationships were made.
We need to find a way to get back to that sort of thing. It starts with a Golden Rule.
I have to agree and that is exactly how the gay community is great article and an on point one no truer words describes this community
I KNEW I would see a bunch of posts belittling the poster, saying it’s the same in the straight community, that he’s just a whiner etc., etc. This just proves his point even more, good job guys!
OMG..I wouldn’t want to change a thing. Being gay is the most beautiful, amazing, perfect thing there is. As far as finding love…..I love every man I have sex with.
Kudos to A4A for having the balls to post this blog. (yes I made a pun).
My 2 gay “dads” back in the day, who had been together for 13 years once told me – “Don’t mimic Heterosexuals develop a life(style) of your own.”
So for all of you reading this, would it be possible to just ‘agree to disagree’?
Human beings irregardless of sexual orientation or lack of are still human beings. As human beings we all have choices to make in life (and I am not referring to being gay by choice).
We don’t agree with each others choices. So be it. it’s your life. Be who you want to be.
I am glad to be queer(even though most of my generation uses the word ‘gay’). I have been in a very loving relationship of 39 years. It’s none of your business if we pledge fidelity or not.
There is no perfect community. Having said that, we have some very amazing LGBT+ community members.
A lot of people in Society hate us. You can choose to be one of them.
Homophobia is still a social disease.
We also have some very strong Allies that see us as human beings who are not perfect. How you want to view our community is still your choice.
May I repeat “Can we just ‘agree to disagree’?
My life partner says “What others think of you is none of your business”. That’s sometimes hard to wrap my mind around but point made.
So whoever you are just be true to you even if you screw up sometimes. Hey we are only human.
“and in the end, the love you take, is equal to the love you make” – The Beatles. I know, I know…who are The Beatles?
I read this article and feel the same way. I have encountered more cruelty in the gay community then anywhere else. It is sad and the worst is yet to come.
Luis,
You have said everything I have felt and thought. Being a mature(54) gay man evolving in the late 80’s. Ive have experienced and have seen a lot in this lifestyle, but have always hoped it would be better but seems to be worstenning in my opinion, gay mens behaviors and attitudes. I applaud you for speaking on it. But what can one do…abstinence, is the option for me but I am surrounded by it everywhere and engulfed in my past. Im not sure how turn off the gayness but truly wish I was not gay, everything I thought would bring something to my life has brought the opposite but it is what it is.
yes and no
the first problem we have to address is how sexuality on a macro level developed. when you are a teen you go after what you cannot get and you are teased and used in the process. do you think the behaviour would be any different as adults? no chance! the society has pegged gays into love starved creeps from teens and gays are always on the defense about this and continue the stereotypes (effeminancy, promiscuous, unworthy of love and care, hiring str8 men for sex, unhelpful to other gays but their fag hag friends – list goes on). on micro level, one makes a conscious choice to be sheep or Self about how they will experience their sexuality or lack of it.
if you cannot love yourself and your kind, close the chapter and say amen. no need to preach to the choir.
Hmmm, I wonder if you are just trying to spark a conversion on what is to be gay? Gayness is not an act but an attribute; being gay is what you are. I think, you are tired of the ‘tools’ that are now used to seek out other gays. One does not have to give into all the promiscuity, blow and go etc. You have to be true to what you value. If you want to settle down and have a home life, then DO IT! DON’T GIVE UP HOPE! On the other hand, if you want a fuck buddy, then DO IT! Do what you want.
Well said and it seemed as if he were channeling my thoughts and emotions. This community does indeed breed people whole incur emotional abuse cause they attempt to have basic morals when the community no longer ascribes to morality. I too am seeking to move away from this environment because i realize that it is time wasting and full of heartache. Can we focus on how to address the need for post life outside the gay community. So many of us seek to establish relationships with our fellow brothers whether it be romantic or genuine friendship only to get insidious and hurtful attitudes because it was to raw and realistic of a role for many to truly comprehend. I applaud this, embrace the notion and look for a silver lining hopefully joined by others in riding ourselves of the anxiety that seems to be perpetuated by a abdication of values and moral application decency.
All the things he listed near the end of the second paragraph occur among straight people, too…indescriminate sex, superficialty, ageism, snobbery, all of it! Those are human conditions, not gay ones.
I agree to an extent. My experience in the gay community has been mixed.
I’m not butch enough to be a top apparently, I’m not allowed to hate Disney and not want to listen to a bunch of 14 year old pop artists all the time. I’m outcast sometimes because I don’t care about dancing or singing.
But, on the other side I am allowed to express my inside bitch, I can talk about how hot other guys are with my gay friends and I can talk about clothes and other shallow things.
So, my point is 50% of people are probably not going to like you, so make the other 50% count because that’s the best your going to get, even if you can’t agree all the time or get pissed at how they act.
And, as for the gay community its like a family, we all have that crazy republican uncle we don’t like at Thanksgiving but we have to put up with them, that’s the way it is.
OK, wait a minute. You sound like life is some kind of spectacle that you’re somehow free to step outside of and watch because you don’t like the way the drama is unfolding? It’s not that easy, I’m afraid, and you must know we do not, and never have had the chance to simply walk away from gay. I appreciate and sympathize with your distaste for participation in this great social experiment. None of us rightly deserve to be thrown into the gauntlet as you describe, but like it or not, that’s where we are and things aren’t going to get better if we all pretend its no longer our problem to deal with.
Do you seriously think you’re going to turn your back on something as basic as sexual attraction in order to pursue some higher, non-gay, chaste lifestyle characterized I presume by constant whining about how bad things are, and how straight people are somehow morally superior to us in their mythical monogamous, non-gay fantasy world? Last I checked it wasn’t merely gay people going through a wholesale crisis of sex, loneliness, body dysmorphia and manifest depression. I’m pretty sure straight people are having the same issues we are, if statistics are reporting true.
By making this a ‘gay’ problem you’re characterizing in glib terms problems that are much, much deeper, and pervade our society as whole, regardless of gender, sexual orientation. social class or relative age and experience.
No one said this was easy, and if they did, they didn’t understand a thing about sex, or the complexity that it enables both in strict biological terms and in a broader political sense for humanity as a whole. You see, like other colony animals, we are witnessing a process where nature tries to be innovative. We are not merely a species with two sexes, male and female, end of story. As a gay man you represent a third sex, with a responsibility and a role in the procreation of our species that is still under construction and not at all well defined. We’re certainly not as regimented as an ant or bee colony, but we have an important role to play or we wouldn’t be here.
One thing is for sure, if we don’t figure this out and if we fail to learn what our contribution is, how we organize and add to the story of human evolution, and the evolution of life, our kind won’t be around much longer. Nature has a rather brutal way of dealing with experiments that don’t pan out. If you think you’re somehow outside of that story, and that you don’t have any responsibilities to see it through. you’re wrong. None of us are spectators, that’s not what life is about at all.
AMEN! Very well put! Thank you! So glad I’m not alone on this. I am with you, I do NOT want to be gay anymore. If there was an antidote or anything that can permanently turn it off I’d take it! I’d tried making a difference where I live only to be treated as a joke and dangerous hostility.