Speak Out : Should I let it go?
(This story was submitted by a member of A4A. If you would like to have other member’s opinion on a subject or your story, feel free to send it to me at blog at adam4adam.com. Thanks, Dave)
So I have this little dilemma. I am in a relationship where my partner, which I love very much, has this very annoying thing. Every time that I do something wrong he loves to rub it in my face, I don’t have a problem if he just does it once, but he actually does it for the remaining of the day and he brings it up every time he has a chance; is getting to the point that I have to tell him that I don’t want to talk to him any more; the worst part is that he blames me for me getting upset, and to make matters even worst he begins his sarcastic routine of apologizing for everything; and when I say everything I mean it, the only thing he doesn’t apologize for is for the air I breathe; is very obnoxious.
An example of this happened the other day. He wants to record us having sex, which I strongly refuse to do it. Well he; and I don’t know how and for the same reasons I don’t want to be film having sex; found a video of me having sex with a guy before I meet him; PS a video recording I didn’t authorized, and a whole different thing that I will have to take care of; now he is insinuating that I have lied to him and that I like/don’t mind being recorded; which I do mind I don’t want something like that going around the internet, which I have explain that to him plenty.
To make matters worse there some things that were done that night which I don’t have recollection doing. So like always, when he finds out about something he starts by asking me about doing things like that together, which I tell him I don’t like to do that kind of things and that I will never do things like that unless I am heavily intoxicated, ’cause lets be honest I am interested on a few kinky things but I wouldn’t do them ’cause I’m too much of a prude. So, when he show me the video I was shock of course. Number one I didn’t knew that person recorded what we did that night, number two and even worse I don’t remember doing those things, which brings me to number three I think he gave me something that night?!?. The most interesting part of this whole story is that the person you love the most is the one that hurts you the most. After going thru his computer I found that he actually went thru my phone, laptop and emails and got a bunch of compromising pictures of myself, and when I went to delete one of them he got defensive and told me to move that he will delete it. I had already seen some of these pictures on his PC and had deleted them.
When I moved I told him that the reason why he didn’t let me deleted myself was because he had something to hide, which post this incident I saw that he had about 2030 compromising pictures of me. And then he goes to say “I told my friend who send me the video that if he goes to that guys house to destroy it. Isn’t that a nice thing I did for you?” which that kinda almost make me snap and tell him “the only reason this is surfacing is because of you, you are on this crusade of digging things from my past”, which makes me think that he is trying things to sabotage the relationship and trying to make me call it quits. I guess he is not longer happy with me nor wants to be in this relationship…
Is that my imagination going wild? Should I let it go? Or do I have a reason to be upset?
Anonymous
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Mods/Dave/whoever
I really wish you would edit and clean up these ‘member submitted stories’ before running them.
I’m getting tired or reading stuff from emotionally charged illiterate people who come across as undereducated 12 year olds who’s message makes no sense and makes the person who submitted it look like an imbecile .
Gays are supposed to be a bit smarter , no ?
Soft & Fluffy : I will try to be careful next time. But I’m french so yes sometimes there are mistakes in my posts and I apologize!
He’s not going to change. People rarely do. It sounds to me like this relationship is doomed! The longer you wait the more it will hurt you eventually get fed up enough to leave him.
Do not let it slide.
His behavior is an attempt to control you by making you feel bad about yourself. It’s a form of emotional abuse.
You can’t make him stop or change. You can remove yourself from a toxic situation.
Love isn’t what is said, it’s what is done.
How long have you been together. If he truly loved you he would not behave tjis way. As much as you may love him you need to move on….
Dump that dude like a bad habit man. HE’S BAD NEWS. Your relationship with him is NEVER going to get better and is obviously getting worse by the day. Cut your losses NOW and chalk it up to a learning experience, one of the hard ones.
Get into his computer, type cmd in the search box once it pops up type format c: and you’re troubles with him having images of you on his computer are DONE.
Your right you are to much of a prude, get over it. Hell I’ll take him he can video us having sex, I think it’s hot!
I had a lover like that. He was a total control freak and took particular delight in point out and harping on any mistakes I made and was sure to point out any physical or personality flaws or faults in me also. I stayed with him five years, 4 years 363 days too fucking long. By the time he was done with mind I didn’t have the self respest of uber masochist on depressants. I will never put up with that shit again from anyone and you have stayed with this asshole too long. Tell him there is only room in the relationship for one perfect person and you are going to go find someone who want you for yourself instead of a backdrop for his own insecurities. He is already batshit crazy so get out before you become the same.
I think you’re right. Sounds to me like your partner is trying to bring up all these instances to show you that you were recorded just to rub it in your face and maybe get you to agree to be recorded with him. Tell him to grow up. I’ve had to tell friends to stop bringing up past experiences. Find ask the incriminating images of you,and delete them. They are of course your images. You have all the right to delete them.
First – you need to prosecute the person who taped your relations without your consent.
Second – you need to remove the nudes from your computer so other people can’t get to them and send them around.
Third – you need to dump this a-hole.
Your question starts off unassuming and you just want to know if he is obnoxious…but the example you give is not that innocent. It sounds like there are heavy trust issues. He only asks questions that he already knows the answers to just so if you give the “wrong” answer, he can manipulate you. My guess is that he is trying to control you. Not to scare you, but I wouldn’t be surprised if you did try to break up, he would say something like “if you break up with me, I’ll post all your naked pictures online” just so you will stay together, which would further the hostility between you both. He should have respected your answer that you didn’t want to make a video. Beyond that, he should have been outraged that it was make without your knowledge
I can’t seem to understand why you have all those compromising picture out there :-
Through all this I didn’t hear the reasons you’re with him. The sarcasm and rubbing your mistakes in your face would be enough for me to break up. I don’t feel a lot of respect from him. If it’s for the sex: you can always find a better lay.
Yes.. please! let him go. So he can find a partner who will do anything he ask to do that is fun for him, just like he should do what’s fun for you. If you have to hide who you are or were then what’s the point on being Gay… Don’t. Hide anything if your in Love unless you know in your heart your relationships don’t last.
I personally couldn’t deal with that much drama. In the words of Franklin Hart, “fire the bitch!”
He looks like he wants to control the relationship! Remember you are not a dog on a leash .
He needs to understand and let something’s go . Else in the future when you really have a fight – he will make u more miserable by pining all this as your fault .
Just my 2 cents
Really sorry to hear. Relationships really takes alot to maintained, in your case I would think both of you need some space apart so that both can really rethink of what you both want. He needs to see what life is being apart and when he see’s that he would see what he missed if he genuinely in love with you. Well for you enjoy being alone for awhile enjoy doing things with friends and yourself let he see that your happy. He would really see what he is missing and wants it back but lay your rules and don’t be easy. If he doesn’t change or come around following what I told you trust me you wouldn’t missed him at all.
Why men and women — allegedly adults — put up with any kind of abuse (sexual, physical, emotional) is beyond me. This is repeated emotional and psychological abuse. Leave now.
Because you are a stranger on the Internet I will tell you what I wish I had the courage to tell some real life friends. RUN!!!!! This is a bad dude. I’m sure he has or pretends to have some good qualities that make you want to stay, but even if you get past this issue there will be another and another and you will never want to leave because you have invested so much time or your finances are entangled or your on a lease together. GET OUT NOW!!!!! What you’re experiencing is a form of abuse (google emotional abuse I’m not being hyperbolic).
Dude let him go. Who wants to deal with drama
DRAMA!!!!!!
the fact that it hurts you, and makes you want to stop talking to him is enough reason for him to stop.
There has to come a point where he cares more about you then his own feelings and gratification.
You are telling him someone recorded you without permission and now it is anywhere on the net. If that is you fear of such a thing happening again you should be able to express that.
If you want you can record both of you watch it together and then delete it together. This way he has what he wants you have what you want.
You have already been violated once if he loves you then he wont want to see you violated again.
I’m so at the “let it go or not” dilemma. In response to the whole sex tape thing, that’s an off limits activity. I’m so tired of everyone trying to be the next Kim Kardashian-West. My situation is waiting on a guy getting over alcohol and unemployment. We’ve been separated a year and the drinking has minimally improved. I am considering other guys but they aren’t fully available. My inner tells me to be alone but I don’t want to waste time or turn bitter. Oh well, that’s my spill and thanks for posting the topic.
sounds like you need to dump the asshole and live your life drama free. stop wasting your time on someone who feels the need to disrespect you all the time when you do something wrong. Do you constantly bring up his mistakes and point out his flaws??? As for the video thing no one should force you to do anything sexually that you dont want to do. BE SMART dump him find someone better.
You might want to Google the term “passive aggressive” and how to deal with such a partner.
yea i’d say you have reason to be pissed and reason enough to call it quits if you cant deal with it,but I say whats the problem with having your pleasure made into a vid, I enjoy doing it on cam and have posted several on another website…Dean
based on your presentation of the facts, i completely side with you — it sounds like a very bad situation and he’s someone you should avoid
don’t put up with a bf who actively upsets you, apparently intentionally — and definitely don’t put up with someone (even a bf) raiding your phone and computer for compromising anything
I don’t think you deserve being treated like that. I also don’t think it matters whether you did something before, you don’t want to do it now, and that’s your choice. I don’t think you should let someone brow beat you into something you simply don’t want to do. Just my two cents. Good luck.
Get out.
This whole thing is very “the call is coming from inside the house”.
You do indeed have a lot of reasons to be upset, and the decision should be quite simple at this point.
Get the fuck out and don’t look back.
Sorry to say, but its sad. Just because youre in a gay relationship doesnt mean that you have to take abuse. I know its a bit nieve but your partner is supposed to care for you, support you, and love you. It doesnt seem to me that he does any of those things. Perhaps you dont have any positive role models to show you what a great relationship can be. Thats sad. Dont settle for abuse, its not going to get better. Years ago, one of my friends told me that I would stay in my abusive relationship until I realized that this constant torment was worse than being alone the rest of mylife. Which you wont be, but youre never more lonely than when youre in an abusive relationship
Your first paragraph is a classic example of abuse. If someone will not let something go like you said and continually throw it back in your face, it is not being smart-alecky or smart-mouthed, it is psychological abuse. I grew up in the 1070 and 80s and always read Dear Abby and Ann Lander, amongst other, and this had always been considered abuse. And I am not even commenting on the whole sex thing. As the experts say, ask yourself, “What would make your life better/happier, being with or without him?” And be honest with the answer.
Have a heart to heart with him about how you feel. Then work on better communication techniques for you two. If that doesn’t work then adios. No means no. If the relationship isn’t about both of you being/feeling safe and comfortable then why stay? Life is too short to be miserable
If I were you, I would kick him out of my life…
Reading what you have written, it reads that you aren’t looking for advice, but rather validation. It reads as if you already know what you need to do. Read what you have written and ask yourself what would you tell your best friend if it had been them. I’d tell me best friend (based on just what was written), that it’s time to move on, for many reasons. Good luck!
The poor grammar and incorrect spelling made it almost impossible to follow the story. From what I gather let it go and move on. Neither of you trusts the other anymore and that is the death knell for a relationship.
End it now. Someone who acts like that has some serious self confidence issues. They will put you down to make themselves feel good. You can’t change them. Get out now.
Someone that manipulative and disrespectful should not be in your life. What he has, he’s gonna put out there wether you want him to or not. So let those go. You could threaten him with legal action, but it would probably be a waste of time and money. But leaving him will be his loss, not yours.
Should we just let go of the hundred grammatical errors for “the remaining of the day?” 😛
2,030 “COMPROMISING PICTURES”? NOT SAYING THAT THE POSTER GETS AROUND ALOT, BUT FROM THE INFORMATION PROVIDED, HE SEEMS TO GET AROUND ALOT (WITH HIS CLOTHES OFF).
sounds like there is a lot of game playing going on here. neither one of you are mature enough to be in a real loving relationship. you must not think much of yourself to love a guy that treats you like crap and he is so insecure that he finds pleasure in belittling you. all around very unhealthy!!!!
Two words: DUMP HIM!
Do it for your self-respect. Your bf doesn’t respect you!
Dump him he is big problems on the horizon
Maybe he has a reason to be upset, I mean he did find a video of you having sex with someone else. A video that you never mentioned. I don’t believe the whole “I was drunk,can’t remember what happened” excuse. Also you not wanting to do things with someone you claim to love but will do them with some random dude, maybe really hurts him.
Ok, I’m not trying to be a dick or anything but this sounds like passive aggressive abuse or sorts from someone who has obvious issues. I’d dump him and get with someone normal. Rubbing it in your face all the time is childish. And if you strongly refuse to be filmed, it should have taken ONE time for you to say it and he should let it the F*** go. If yuo are open to it later then that’s your decision but tell him to have a piece of cake, Shut the f up, and get off your back. I think you’be be better off away from this douche, but…just sayin’
It is not right that he rubs things in your face to the point that he does and I can’t say as how I would want to be recorded in sexual setting either and just because someone in the past did it against your will doesn’t mean you want it to be done now…I would suggest maybe finding a gay friendly couples therapist so that you can work out what needs to be worked out before things go in a direction that you don’t want them to!!!
First of all did he know about your past friends? if that was ever discussed? did he play around before meeting you? What happen in the past it old stuff and if both of you have discussed this, then let it go. as for the film. that totally is uncool of the guy who film you. How did your current boyfriend get the tape that you did not know was made? It might be time to cut your loss and move on, as hard and hurtful it might be, this guy totally has no respect for your feelings and sounds like an immature toy…..think about it…face the music and moving on might be your only choice….good luck.
If you have to ask most likely you have your answer. You only want confirmation from others.
let it go.
But you need to be honest with yourself. You claim that you won’t do certain things (pictures/video) unless you are drunk, yet there are over 2 THOUSAND pictures of you???
Stop putting yourself into a situation where you are going to be drunk to the point that you allow it and don’t even remember doing it. Maybe consider talking to a professional, AA etc.
You went thru his computer and found out he went thru yours and somehow you are offended???
Some would say you are as much of a victim as you allow yourself to be. Stop allowing it. Period.
Sounds to me like he’s looking for excuses to break up or force you to break up with him. The only reason for someone to dig that deep for secrets is that they don’t trust you. Most likely because they are hiding something. I’ve had boyfriends do shady shit like that to me when I did nothing wrong. If they can’t trust you and respect your boundaries then you really should consider ending the relationsh because if it’s that bad now, just think how bad it will be in a year. And no one deserves to be treated badly by someone especially their partner. And believe me, if you stay and it gets worse you’ll just end up resenting him and hating yourself. If he’s not willing to let it go and trust you, then you should let him go.
With all due respect, you actually may want to talk to a therapist without him, because, basically, he drugged, raped and took unauthorized videos of you, and you are more worried about his feelings about the relationship than the pychological mind-fuck he is playing on you. Seriously, go talk to a therapist.
Dear Lord, dump his obnoxious ass. You get to choose who you want to date. You need to be with someone who makes you feel good, not someone you cringe around.
Not necessarily you, but I never understood why people stay in toxic relationships. Why put up with the fighting? Abuse? Dread of being with someone? If you don’t enjoy each other’s company, don’t be together!
my favorite 4 letter word “next” plain and simple
Sounds like an asshole to me. Dump him and move on to greener pastures. It’s not going to get any better. He’s playing the victim card and manipulating you. That’s not love or respect so what are you hanging on to?
sounds like your boyfriend has borderline personality disorder. it’s not a fun thing to be in a relationship with someone who has it. you should read about it and decide if it’s something you want to continue to live with, because i’ll tell you, he won’t change (at least not on his own). it’s never an easy thing to walk away from someone you love and care about, but the alternative is to live with this kind of thing or not. good luck.
I would like to comment about this situation. I find this situation very difficult and a lot of trust factors in that situation has arrived. First of all if you truly in love with the person you don’t push their limits to things that they don’t want to do filming in sexual intercourse. second relationship doesn’t appear to be very stable because once you have discuss something someone should never repeatedly threw it up in your face too inform you of the situation and also tell you that they apologized and they’re doing with it deliberately. Thirdly no one should want to see my intimate time with someone else so that others can see because when you expressing your sexual relationship with a person should never go outside your bedI feel by me being a clinical therapist they your mate has issues with control and manipulation I think you need to look into your relationship more
I feel you need to decide on how you want to handle the relationship and if this the appropriate relationship for you. I have personally feel when someone wants to add other people or subjects like filming sexual intercourse into a relationship I think that is the beginning to the end of the relationship.
This sounds a lot worse than your partner just trying to call it quits. Based on what you’ve mentioned, your partner has some unhealthy, exploitative, and controlling traits. Not only is he trying to convince you to do something that you’ve expressed not feeling comfortable with, but he has gathered information which can harm you and is refusing to give you access to it. I seems as though he is trying to gain control over you. It’s impossible to say what he will do with it then, but if he is this cold towards your wishes and well being, it’s imaginable that he will become more controlling and may escalate into a more abusive partner.
He is emotionally manipulative. His behavior is borderline abusive. I would get out. If you wanna stay with him I would seek couples counseling asap.
Completely not okay! Run fast and run far from from this controlling-as-fuck guy!
He has issues with manipulation and control. I don’t know him, but it seems as if he doesn’t love himself. If he doesn’t love himself, he’ll never love you. He sounds like an unhappy, immature he-person (he’s not a man). He has some deep-rooted emotional issues that need healing. I had a so-called friend that looked opportunities to tear me down. What I came to realize about him is that he had low self-esteem, and it bothered him that I have a healthy self-esteem…even with my flaws. Sounds like he’s doing the same to you. You’re a grown man, and I can’t make decisions for you. But staying with him will only bring you misery and stunt your life. I had to sever all ties with my so-called friend. When I did, it was like a burden lifted from my shoulders. I wish you nothing but the best.
He sounds like someone I once knew and whom I had a relationship with. He sounds like a real jerk and honestly, if he’s been doing things like that, it sounds like he’s not right in the head. I mean, its one thing to want to know about your past, but to go to that extent is by all means kind of creepy. Now, in the end its all up to you on what you want to do as far as either staying or leaving him, but I will tell you this, the guy who I was with with the similar personality ended up becoming abusive towards me. He was verbally, mentally, and eventually became physically abusive. I stayed with him after he beat me up twice thinking he’d never do it again, saying he was sorry, and sure you know the rest, but it wasn’t until the third time that he beat me, to the point of almost killing me that I knew I was lucky to live and able to get him behind bars. Needless to say, I have to go through a reconstructive surgery to fix my right ear because he actually bit part of it off. Now its healed and doesn’t look bad, but I’m super self-conscious about it. I am not exactly sure if your bf is in anyway abusive or anything of the like, but from what you’ve said, it sounds like a sense of abuse. Do what you feel and know is right and don’t let it continue if you are not OK with it.
your BF has a problem with boundaries. This sounds suspiciously like borderline personality disorder and is NOT going to get better. You need to figure out how to stop this behavior now or get out of this relationship or it will mean a lot of heart ache down the road
If this were me, we wouldn’t have a relationship at this point, if not sooner.
I’d also consider legal action against the guy who took the video of you without your permission, and drugged you.
let shit go and get rid ofit
This isnt hard. You’ll never be able to know what is going on in someone else’s mind. You can only know what you think and feel. If you still want to stay in the relationship, make the effort to be happy. If your boyfriend says its over, believe him and move on.
But don’t let others make up your mind for you.
Time to move on. If you “let it go” you are doing nothing more than allowing this guy to a
emotionally and verbally abuse you. Why continue staying in a relationship that is obviously unhealthy and painful?
Let it go? you have watched Frozen to many times. Leave him and find someone that put’s you up on a pedestal.
Give him a Hot Carl.
The core question here is whether or not Anon is happy with this relationship. Sadly, loving a person doesn’t mean that you are happy together. Therefore, Anon, if you are unhappy you should let this go. There is too much in this life that will bring you joy to lose yourself in the impending misery that this relationship seems to be spelling out.
Talk very seriously with your boyfriend, one last time, about how you feel and where his actions are driving you. Then, be firm in the desision to choice to seek happiness, no matter whether he affirms your fears or makes amends. Good luck, and be well.
how about the two of you growing up and acting like men instead of sounding like a couple of school girls fighting over a tampon
Your fate is pretty much set. The stage isn’t big enough for two drama queens.
You are fine, the only thing going should be his ass as far away from you as possible, get rid of him, you’ll be better off without him. No one needs to tolerate such disrespect from someone who supposedly loves them. Dump him and find yourself someone who will truly love you and be supportive of you.
I really think it’s kind of weird, why would he has your pictures in his computer without authorization? But one thing is for sure if you can’t trust him, you better not stay in that relationship! Cause believe me with no trust it’s just a waste of time.
You need to get away from him as soon as possible and THEN talk to the police about seizing his computer and getting all of that material off of it and then searching for it online and filing privacy complaints
I wouldn’t let it go unless you’re going to let him go because he has some personality issues that’s not going away anytime soon. Definitely do not take a video with him because I don’t see this relationship lasting, if he doesn’t change. You guys also don’t seem sexually compatible because he’s definitely wanting something sexually from you that you don’t enjoy. He’s wanting it so bad it’s affecting his mood.
Let him go..where i come from its a crime to be gay you can’t even afford to be suspected to gay.
Readin this story reminded me of a relationship past..if h loves you he wldnt force you to do stuff your not comfortable doing especially after you tell him no time and again.oh to err is human…
Think of all the reasons you love him if they dont add up let him go.
Bottom line is if your not happy man you got to go out there find happiness.
Sounds like too much drama in that so-called “relationship” to me…I’d move on.
That should be a lesson to you – when you make photos and videos of yourself having sex – in this digital wild west – you can expect bad things to happen…..
Move on with your life…….dump him.
Gay relationships are tricky at best. No matter how equal the partnership is we are still guys that have been hard wired gay and hard wired to get what we want. He may not think anything is wrong and figures this is just a normal lovers quarl. It sounds like you have already told him you don’t like it and he need to stop. As men we tend not to do what we are told and resist simply because we were told to go something.
I think you need to sit him down tell him he is what is going on tell him what he need to do to try and change. yiu going to both have to come to a mutually satisfactory agreement.
Decide what I is you want a be prepared to leave. Dont tell him thing need to change its over that will put him on the defensive and is sure to end it. But say there are thing that are making you in happy and give you doubts about a continuing relationship it lets him know that you want to stay but your unhappy and might be on the verge of leaving. But in the end you have to be ready to call it quits if that is were it headed do try and drag it out if you know its not going to work.
DTMFA (DUMP THE MOTHERFUCKER ALREADY, this relationship is already over, cut the drama, cut the cord, and move the fuck away from this asshole.
I think you should just let him go. He obviously just likes to be a dick. In any relationship you both should rub things in eachothners faces, and never let things in the past (before your relationship started) to get in the way. Also say you did like doing those things before, doesn’t mean you still like to do them now. Wish you luck, and hope you find someone that cares for you for who you are now and not back then, and won’t rub things in your face.
He’s high maintenance. Dump him. Nobody is worth that much effort.
Please Let Him Go !!!
It appears that you are in an abusive relationship in so many ways. I have been there once and it’s crap. Send the guy on his merry way
you should let this control freak scumbag go! he has zero respect for your personal boundaries or privacy.
Run as fast as you can! Get out of that poisonous relationship!
This is really about THREE men in your life. Your current bf, and the other guy who recorded himself doing things to you. The third man is you.
I have a few thoughts:
1. Your description of your current bf makes him seem insensitive and immature.
2. At best, your prior friend disrespected you when he recorded you.
3. At worst, it seems as though your prior friend may have date-raped you, and violated your privacy — if this is true, the recording may qualify as evidence, so you might actually consider keeping it.
4. Why are there 2000+ photos of you “in compromising positions” ?
5. How much responsibility are you willing to accept for what has happened to you, and what is currently happening to you? This isn’t about blaming you. However, if you don’t take ANY responsibility, then you are saying there’s NOTHING you can do to safeguard against this ever happening again. It renders you as a “helpless victim” and it leaves the door open for history to repeat itself. On the other hand, if you accept SOME responsibility for what happened to you, you are at least in control of that — you can promise yourself that you’ll stop doing “that” and do “this” instead, for the future. Ultimately, it’s a step toward empowerment.
6. Be careful that you don’t find yourself in one unhealthy relationship after another. Choosing to stay in a toxic relationship is a symptom that your self-esteem is in the toilet. Assuming that your description of the scenario is accurate, I see no reason to stay, and several good reasons to leave. The fact that you are seeking the advice of strangers (on such an open/shut case) suggests that your self-esteem is already quite low. The good news is that self-esteem can be restored… but it requires some effort on your part.
There’s no need to respond to any of this. Just give these points some thought, and then do what you think is best.
I wish you all the best.
dude you need to leave this nut job now. its only gonna get worse
This sounds like a very abusive relationship. Dearie, you NEED to call it quits, like, now! This guy abuses you emotionally to try and make you think you need him to fix everything in your life. He wants you to be submissive, and not in a sexual way. Eventually it may escalate to verbal or physical abuse. You should get out now, dignity and self respect intact. This guy is playing a psychological game with you, and you need to keep your cards close.
I hope this helps and remember that it is your decision
Let him go … time to move on !!
does your boyfriend love you as much as you love him?ask your boyfriend to stop looking in the past and tell him to respect you.
I can only answer for what I would do in a situation like this…. I would take the high road and walk away from this relationship and any kind of contact with this person. This is very unhealthy behavior and he will in the future try to blackmail you and spread nasty rumors about who or what he think you are.
Before I cut the ties, I would have a 10 minute sit down meeting (not a talk of his explaining his position) with him and let him know that the relationship is over. In order for him not to spread nasty rumors or try blackmailing, I would then let our friends know that the relationship is over and provide the detail for the break up. Leave it at that and walk away.
Oh and just not to get into a legal battle in court with him, I WOULD NOT slug him in the face on my way out.
Someone going thru all my personal stuff just would show me he didn’t trust me and its time to end the relationship! Find someone that won’t. And now that you know about the movie and pics be open with that new person! If there are things you don’t like, let them know! Open and honesty are always thebest polocy.
Leave the bastard now. It’s his own insecurities causing most of his behavior and his “alpha male” causing the rest. If he can hurt you like that without remorse, then he isn’t worth it. Get out and find someone who will love and respect you and it isn’t him. You deserve better….much better.
Go ask Jerry Springer.
Why is this here? I could have had a nice wank in the time I wasted reading this tedious self important gay drama.
If there are over 2K “compromising” images of you in circulation as well as a “sex tape” involving an act you don’t recall, you have problems waaaaaaaaay beyond an “annoying” boyfriend …
To me, it really sounds like you are the one looking for excuses to end the relationship.
I’m half-way convinced that this is total fiction, but the spelling and grammar mistakes tell me it could just be true. So I will simply say that in addition to “you” having a reason to be upset, you also have a great reason for kicking this asshole totally out of your life and letting everyone you know in on why you’re dumping him so that they won’t trust him either.
I would drop his ass like a bad habit to be honest. He’s either extremely insecure or has outgrown the relationship and is too afraid to just talk to you honestly about it. You can find someone who will treat you better. Bringing up a past that should stay in the past and playing up your personal mistakes is a bitch move.
I’m not a counselor or psychologist, but I play one on TV, Sounds like he has immaturity and control issues. DO YOU want to keep on dealing with them? Just be honest to your self. Abuse is abuse, gay or str8.
Your past is just that…YOUR PAST. You shouldn’t have to apologize for anything in your past…you can be ashamed or pissed off that they occurred (like the guy dosing you for example) and doing things that you wouldn’t normally do, but you should’t have to apologize for them…especially to your partner that supposedly loves you.
Yes…to me, it sounds like he wants out and he wants YOU to quit the relationship.
I think you sure break up with him. It’s that him doesn’t respect you. This isn’t love. But blackmail love.
Well not know neither one of you guys, you both sound young and inmature, especially your partner. He sounds like he gets off on your experiences, and will likely not change. It makes him feel superior when he finds peoples errors in judgement. I would sit down and talk serious with the guy and let him know I don’t apprecieate the way he treats me, and if he wants to continue with the relationship, that you both need to go to counseling together and figure out why he is so obnoxious to you. He has a low opinion of himself it seems. Well good luck to the both of you, I hope it all works out for you both.
I know it’s much easier said than done, but you need to let go of the relationship. It’s obvious that he isn’t respecting you or your wishes. Think of it this way… Do you want to constantly have to check up on him and make sure he isn’t secretly doing these things that you do not want to have done. Trust is a MAJOR piece to ANY relationship, it sounds like he has lost yours.
I didn’t go through this type of situation but I did stay in an 11 year relationship because we both settled with what we had. I have been single for over 2 years now and it has been a long road but I have learned a lot about myself and what I am willing to overlook and what is an absolute must in a relationship.
It’s easy for me to sit here and give advice based solely on the information you have provided. Take it with a grain of salt… Think about what you really HAVE and what you really WANT from this relationship. What are you willing to overlook and what is an absolute, can’t live without piece to this relationship.
Whatever you choose to do, good luck and always be TRUE TO YOURSELF.
Okay,
So it sounds like there are a few issues going on here, the biggest one being trust. Not delving too deeply, you might want to talk to your boyfriend about the why of all this. Why does he think you lied to him about the video, why did he hoard all those photos of you and not share the information with you? Why does he blame you for your anger? You also need to ask yourself why you feel you think you’d only do things like make a sex video when intoxicated, and Do you feel like there is an equal amount of control in this relationship. The biggest thing you need to do is communicate about these feelings.
So my question to you is Do you feel safe enough to talk to your boyfriend about if he has a problem with the relationship, why he does the things he does, and if he is willing to try and fix any issues that may exist between you two. If you don’t feel comfortable communicating these things to him, or if he isn’t willing to work on issues either you or he see in the relationship, then you might want to consider letting this one go.
Although not all of the aspects of this relationship are explained here, there was described a troubling trend. Your partner/boyfriend seems to have a need to belittle you and “bring you down to size.” This is simple emotional abuse. There is also concern your boyfriend is very insecure and worried you may leave — another trait of an abusive partner. Seek counseling for yourself and then encourage your boyfriend to go with you. This relationship could be salvaged if you both are willing to do the work.
Sound like your married enjoy.
my favorite four letter word “next” plain and simple
What? Dump the dumb ass! He has no respect for you. Everyone has the right to demand common respect!
In some states if you recorded without your knowledge it’s illegal. If your partner is snooping it means he doesn’t trust you or he just has some fascination with your past. 1. Don’t let it go 2. Let him go 3. Find someone that cares for the now and the future not the yesterdays.
RUN, do not walk to the nearest exit. This guy is going to destroy your life if you don’t get away from him asap.
I say let it go.
Communication is key…
Talk about it, explain how it makes you feel. If that doesn’t help let it go…
If he really wants to be with you he’ll make the necessary changes.
Dump him. He is so consumed about your past how can you possibly build a future together.
He and you should be working towards a future.
Not pigging in the mud of either of your pasts.
Why not turn the tables. Start to bring up old rotten shit about him. See how that goes over.
A relations ship should work both ways. It should be positive not negative.
He seems like a generally unhappy person. Misery loves company. You do not sound happy at all. Move on or set your boundaries and stick to them. Or stay as you are and live in unhappy shit the rest of your life.
Why are you putting up with his metal abuse??? He is doing to get inside your head and mess you up. You shouldn’t consider letting it go you should be letting HIM GO.
Prime example of why social media is ruining relationships……
Classic signs of domestic violence….
If the story is true, the partner is a textbook bully who is trying to control and subjugate another. It has touches of borderline personality and narcissistic personality disorder.
RUN LIKE HELL AWAY FROM THE GUY AND NEVER LOOK BACK.
Well obviously this ” contribution” was inciteful and seems to strike a chord and worked a few “nerves” I read a little ways and then just couldn’t continue into the tawdry, judgemental, tablodesque vomit/commentary.
I don”t know who to have the most sympathy for: the initial contributor or his so called advisors/commentators!
All I can say is Halloween appears to have come early this year! (G)
Xoxoxo
Ok..so almost everybody already said “you should live him” and that right you should. The only thing that I can’t understand is why you have those compromising puctures in your phone, I mean 2030 pictures is a lot, maybe you try to say 20 to 30 pictures, I don’t aprove him going to throug your phone, but maybe he kind of saw those pictures and than he thought qhat I am thinking “what is he doing with those pictures??.. who is he showing them to??..” and that when the digging starts, unless you are in an open relationship if that the case tan no big deal, but if you are not than that will be red flag, oh and than found out about the video witch after seing all those pictures I will totally doubt that the other guy did it with out your consent, although asking you to make the video juat to see what you say is not right either.
I said before everybody is right when they said you should live him, because this relationship has no future, and what I said I said to give you a different point of view, not because I agree or disagree with any of you.
Honey why do you need feedback. Either you like his abusive behavior, or you don’t. So you think he’s the only one out there? I guarantee you he is cheating on you any chance he gets, he’s gay, that’s what they do. Quit whinning get a life and move on, he’ll do the same thing to the next one.
I’m in full agreement with Soft & Fluffy. The compositions on this blog contain so many instances of horrible grammar, misspellings, punctuation errors, run on sentences that reading them is a very painful exercise.
As Sam Smith says:
‘And the truth is I’m better on my own
And I’m the one to leave it apart
So let me Restart.’
Since it’s not my style, you won’t get any judgements (there’s plenty here already) from me about the particulars mentioned because they are interchangable & very relatable to almost everyone.
Simply restart, my friend. You’re better on your own.
If you love him as much as you say then take this as a good sign that he loves you as much as well. He has collected all the photos of you maybe to enjoy but also to keep you safe and off the net. Who knows you have to look at this from his point and put yourself in his place and ask. As for putting it in your face for the whole day, did you ask or tell him once is enough?
Your BF sounds like a real jerk. You can do better than him. Find someone who will respect you and cherish you. This guy doesn’t appear to do either. Dump his sorry ass and move on.
Soft & Fluffy you are a prime example of what’s wrong with the gay community!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We should come together!!!!!!! Stop being a pissy nazi grammar queen!!!!!!! This guy was asking for help, and all you threw out was hate!!!!!!!! Which is so typical for the gay community. You might want to change that name to Ignorant, sorry that would imply you don’t know better.
Personally I go to the hardware by about a 15 pound sledge hammer. I’d beat the shit out of the computer then I threw it outside the door, along with the rest of his crap. Then tell him oops a streak of sanity came up on ya.
Did you say 2030 compromising photos. . . . ? Seems odd on both sides. . . .
Let it go dude! Got caught “filmed” having fun, which you have no problem with. Bf did the same with you and you don’t remember it. Found out going thru his stuff?!!
Privacy issues here. If your sex is hot on cam, cool for you!! If it’s going to get posted it should be talked about!
Nothing hotter than real bfs getting it on.
Otherwise… Stay away from cam and ditch the ” it’s ok if just for us” attitude.
You sound like a woman…too much drama for me.
You should drop him in the toilet and flush it~!!! He is a complete fool, and he does not care about you”” And don’t take him back, change the lock to you’re feeling, and the Booty~!!! Lol
You stay right where you’re at, you just keep telling yourself that you love him and let him continue to use you as his personal doormat.
Most people on your situation don’t hardly ever have the backbone to do whats right for themselves, they just continue to tell themselves that he’ll change, oh things will get better, yet they only get worse, and by the time you realize it, you have no dignity, no self esteem left and no identity because he’s robbed you of everything you once were. So make your choice but make it quickly before you’re swallowed up into his black hole of control and degradation.
Let’s just make it short: let it go.
I don’t think we are getting the full, and completely true story here. It is easy to come on a forum, ask for advice, and give 100% of the blame to the person who isn’t here to defend himself.
Clearly there are trust issues, and while I agree that you have a reasonable expectation of privacy in reference to the images, and other content in your phone, I can’t figure out why he was going through your phone in the first place. As mature adults in a devoted relationship you should be asking your partner if you should leave, not a bunch of strangers who have maybe 50 % of the facts. Have a serious conversation with him, and then decide where to go from there.
Ywere looking thru his computer and he was looking thru yours
Sounds to me like neither one has respect or trusts the other. Do the rest of us looking for a mate a very big favor and stay together
No one needs to have to put up with either of you.
At the end of the day the choice is yours. Relationships can end up in this kind of psychological mess because neither person really knows what they want and have given it any thought or perspective. You are free to leave at any time and so anything that is happening to you by him is your own choice and is not forced on you. If you love him and can’t leave then your love is really a need and so your need will allow you to put up with all manner of unkind actions.
It’s time to get real. If you decide to leave then spend some time getting to know yourself a bit better and be honest about your insecurities and learn to love yourself a bit more.
If you stay then toughen up a bit and don’t react to all his games. Use it as an opportunity to learn independence for yourself and you may be able to support him in his disfunction too.
End it and only look forward.
I get it. There are many different shades of people just as we are many different types of gays. As a human you need to accept his ways or leave it. That simple. For some reason you chose to stay. Man up and deal with him. You need to see the humor in his behavor…because really, that is what it is. Life is to short to keep analyzing and trying to fix other peoples behavior. Focus on you. If he makes you sad, do something about it…and leave it.
Dump that relatnshp i once was in such relation at last he wanted to kill me. He cant change he want to destroy yr innerperson so you’ll never love again
I totally concur with the points made by @Mannois.
I would conclude from what you wrote that your bf has some fundamental character flaw(s) to be doing such things to you, especially if he says he loves you. He has done several things which are unjustifiable deal breakers. (BTW, you were justified at the point when you went on his computer, as he had already given you reason to suspect him; not to take protective action for yourself at that point would have been imprudent at best.)
EMC² IS the company that manages the iCloud. They make a marvelous software called VmWare. It’s $60. You put it on your computer and go to his and migrate all of his stuff to yours. It erases everything from his. Lock up your computer at an attorney’s office. Move out after you have reclaimed stolen personal photos. If you need an attorney, call your district attorney.
Dump him. I am available and will treat you better.
Since this post has been up longer than most, and has gotten many types of reply, here’s my two cents worth:
You seem to be ‘whining’ about something that you KNEW was a major character flaw in “HIM” before you became committed to each other.
Yet YOU didn’t address this at the appropriate time, WHICH WAS AT THE BEGINNING.
Why would you let something as much as a “drag of that” fester and rot as long as you did?
Aside from ‘doing the exact SAME thing to HIM and showing what an asshole he is about it, instead of telling US about it, tell HIM about it.
Your severe lack of communication skills is sabotaging your OWN relationship very nicely.
Give THAT some thought………..(and I’mm FAR from perfect)
I would leave him. I would not want to be humiliated by my so called boyfriend all the time. He needs to grow up. Sounds like he is the one who has the problem and not you. Best of luck. Then again it sounds like that you like his abuse. Do you?
I fully agree with Einathens. This is a form of control and mentally abusive. To work a relationship has to be transparent, you have to own your past, and no need to be ashamed of it, but he should not use it against you either. This however does not happen if you delete all the pictures you have that you don’t want someone else to see. If you can’t share them with your partner then delete them and they will be gone forever, never to resurface when you don’t want them to. Secrets in a relationship always lead to suspicion and undermine trust.
I hear stories like this from my friends all the time, straight and gay. I just don’t get it. If someone was in a relationship with me and they acted this way I’d dump them. Of course I spend a lot of time getting to know someone before I become their boyfriend, which is usually why I’m single because people don’t have the time or patience to actually build a relationship these days – so months later when their partner starts acting bizarre and crazy they’re so surprised when they could have figured out he was bizarre and crazy by just slowing down a little.
Now…this video situation. If you don’t want to make a video, don’t make one. End of story – and he needs to respect that. I don’t care of you were a giant porn star before and there are 100,000 videos of you out there…you’re NOT obligated to make a video just because your partner wants to. It needs to be a mutual decision. The fact that he went out and actually found a video of you AND that he considers that person a friend when it seems like you were given some kind of drug or something basically just tells me that:
(1) you’re exaggerating the story as many gays do, or
(2) you’re dating a bratty, insecure, emotionally stunted immature guy and you need to get out of that relationship and do yourself a favour and find someone who won’t drive you crazy for all the wrong reasons.
Don’t wait too long to make this decision, either…otherwise you’ll get stuck emailing this same story down the road when he’s cheated on you or filmed you when you weren’t looking or tried to bring a third person into the relationship or some other ignunt thing.
The writing, grammar, and spelling sounds like its coming from someone in his early 20’s. Apologies if I’m wrong.
My opinion: Tell him to take a hike. Keep on liven.’
Considering you’re an absolute imbecile when it comes to punctuation and grammar, I imagine you give him plenty of reasons to be mad at you. I would likely nag you as harshly out of compassion, in an attempt to make you better yourself. If a loved one sees your unused potential, more often than not they’ll get frustrated at your apathy to what they consider important and take it out on you. If your ignorance speaks for anything, he likely loves you but hates what you don’t do with your life.
Been there, done that, now run like hell
Why would you even still be storing all those photos in your computer and its funny your actully posting this story on Adam because isent Adam a hook up site sounds to me your looking for petty in all the wrong places wonder if your boy even knows your on Adam??????
There are no questions here, and you have all the answers that you need inside of yourself. You can use this as ammunition to gain sympathy and attention, or you can end it. It doesn’t matter what anybody tells you, because you’ve already made up your mind which one you’re going to pick.
RUN to the nearest library and check out the book “Loving what is”… you need to understand that he’s the way he is, and you can ONLY change the way you react / deal with him. Get the book, apply it, and understand why you’d spend time with such a flaming asshole… because your issue is much larger than one guy.
Thisbguy doesn’t respect you. That is why tyou feel some type of way. Demand respect from this guy. Tell him one last time what you want from the situation and if he does not work with you on this matter then you have no other logical choice but to leave him. It may hurt like hell but you should always love yourself more than any other man. You have to have reapect for yourself first.
RE: soft and fluffy:
the problem we have here is Gays thinking they ar sp much smarter then straights. Many people are not educated to the best of standards. But gay men or a lot of them mainly flaming gays seem to think they are superior to most people and it really makes the whole community look bad. You need to stop being so dramatic and be normal and have a gay life style that does not snub their nose to whom they think are inferior.
Drama Drama, You sound like a pathetic drama queen, and it sounds like you have found the perfect guy to give you lots of drama, so enjoy your drama filled life! I myself, you can call me out on a mistake, once, then it is over, adults move on, both people must be adults, avoiding mistakes, and avoiding dramatizing them, but your whining innocent illiterate attitude suggests that you are enjoying this a bit too much. So enjoy, and if you ever decide you want to grow up, live a life of responsibility, educate yourself, and find a partner seeking the same life style, then you can dump him… But for now, the simple fact that you posted this horridly grammar incorrect immature bratty episode shows you do not have the maturity needed to maintain a healthy normal relationship so I would just stay in this one till it sickens you to your soul, then you will learn all the things you need to have a healthy relationship. Any one that digs up your past lime that is not interested in your future….ugh
Should you let it go?
That’s not the question. The question is “should you extricate yourself (and your partner) from a less than model relationship (unless that’s the unique kind of relationship you two really really want) and should you both stop doing self-destructive behaviors?”
First off, Soft and Fluffy, you are a douche bag. Obviously this guys first language is not English. Second, not sure why you love this guy, when he is mentally torturing you. If you are not dependent on him financially, you might want to cut it off with him. Sounds horrible.
i dont understand the guys attacking Soft & Fluffy. it is reasonable to expect sentences to be readable, not jibberish, like a bored teenager would do while sitting in study hall texting on his cell phone. eloquent language is respected. if any of you went in to your doctor and wrote down your symptoms of “fvr nusa cghing bdy achs vmtng” your physician would tell you to get the fuck out. the only time broken language is acceptable is when someone is dying, as they are struggling to survive. those screaming out “grammar nazis” probably barely passed their english classes with “D”‘s.