Speak Out : Put Your Equality Where Your Mouth Is
Lately I’ve been going through a lot of trails in my life and am very happy to have my support system of friends with me, but on a regular basis I wish I had more “gay” friends. I just wish I had a group of friends I could hang with on a regular basis to just relax and blend in with when it comes to sexuality and relationship problems. (Don’t get me wrong straight friends are great but start talking about a rimjob in front of them……) But there is a “large” problem with finding friends in my rural area of Florida.
Me.
I weigh about 277 pounds.
You see it all the time in profiles. (Taken from actual A4A profiles)
white only
no fatties
men of color need only apply
if you’re over 60 go die already and stop hitting on me
foreskin is gross
I could go on with this list as you all know.
So why is it a problem that I’m a big guy and how does it challenge making friends? Well you all know the answers. I’m surrounded by a bunch of beach cut skinny gays who won’t be seen in public with me. And I’ve never NOT been welcome with other bears but the age difference just makes it awkward socially to be around men 40 years my senior, and most of them are just trying to get into my pants……
I’m working on two articles that deal with two VERY common groups of people inside the gay “community”. One is all but shunned and ignored ALL THE TIME, while the other is just silently judged. Those will be coming out in the next week or so, so keep your eyes peeled. This is just a general thing.
So whether it’s online, on an app, at a bar or just on the streets we have all seen fellow homosexuals. Chances are we’ve nodded or said a silent hello, or sent something through an app. BIGGER chances are if you saw them with a group of friends, you and your friends judged and make superficial remarks about them and let them walk by. Commenting on how femmy they walked, the backpack they had, their hair, weight or some other physical characteristic. Then the group moved it’s “Mean girls” gaze elsewhere to start on someone new….. and that’s totally normal. Groups feel comfortable when making fun of an outsider. But why? What does it truly accomplish? As a group or alone what does your negativity do ?
Gay on Gay Bullying is the highest recorded type of bullying that most gay teens and adults face.
What did that guy EVER do to you? What is so great about you that gives you the right to JUDGE let alone mock someone else?
NOTHING
Don’t get me wrong, I’m fucking amazing. But so are you. And so is he. And her. Them. That group over there. We are all fucking amazing people. So why go on with these fickle mind games? YOU ARE NO BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE ON THIS PLANET!
With the latest FB craze of the red HRC logo showing “Unity” for equal rights put things in perspective for a few people. The profile pictures all changed to the same thing. Because we are all the same. Same humans. Same life. Same Love. We are all the same and here’s the biggest news flash.
AMERICA ISN’T GOING TO TREAT ANYONE EQUAL, WHO TREATS GROUPS WITHIN THEMSELVES UNFAIRLY.
The African Americans won their civil liberties by uniting and fighting one front against racial oppression. Yes people now see it’s wrong to segregate people on race and are now getting the message on marriage rights. But that doesn’t mean we’re on the right track.
We are a nation divided by catty titles, superficiality and pop culture. On the inside a polar bear daddy and a twink are the same person. Don’t compliment the muscle bear in the gym for his new fuchsia gym shorts then shoot down the young gay guy you see with a pink purse. And it doesn’t matter who’s better between Madonna and Lady Gaga WE CAN’T FUCKING GET MARRIED!
Because we are not united. The gay “Community” isn’t equal or just inside itself.
More gay teens try killing themselves not because of the “Straight” people. But because another gay person said or did something to them. The fact that people who are JUST LIKE THEM. Won’t give them the time of day. And then reject them based on superficiality.
We are Brothers and Sisters in arms. Fighting for the basic human right of love and all you and your local bar do is fight about who was the best drag queen.
Put your equality where your mouth is and start loving ALL people. Not just the ones you deem attractive. Race, weight, age…. None of that matters.
So stop your hate. Quiet your disrespect and silence your judging. We are all the same fighting for the same thing and NOTHING will change until WE as the “Pseudo-Sexualities” untie under our flag and treat each other like the family we truly are.
You are all awesome and beautiful. In our lifetime we are going to see Gay Marriage. But lets not stop there.
Equal Love for Equal Lives.
Drake aka Crayak
Amen! Friends come in all shapes and sizes! I believe you can never have to many friends! I was born and raised in a smaller city in North Central Indiana, and when I moved away I had many gay friends of all ages, races, and genders. 20 some years later I moved back “home”, and even the people that where supposed to be my friends when I moved away, are stand offish, and are no longer interested in being friends. They have made new friends, and don’t need a friend that is now 20 years older. Oddly enough they are 20 years older themselves! It seems like the gay community is getting more and more hung up on age, looks, race, and even financial statis. I have friend in other areas, but they are all 50 miles away or farther, I also have many straight friends, but it would be nice to have friends locally that I could hang out with, or just call up and talk. Just because I’m in my 50’s doesn’t mean I have nothing to offer in a friendship.
Age is just a number.
Skin color is just the result of ancestral sun exposure.
All taste about the same.
Weight could be a problem if I’m going to be crushed, but it’s been a long time since I was a twink.
Don’t have such things in my profile. I have found that my tastes run the gambit. If it knocks my dick stiff when I see it, it’s my type. Having said that, I’d rather have someone make it clear in their profile that they are not into men my age. Saves me the embarrassment of being shot down. So all I can say is, grow up and stop acting like babbies. If that wasn’t in a profile and you hot on the guy you’d bitch about that.
Agreed. But Civil Rights protests were for Mexicans, Blacks, Asians, women, etc. Mexicans still work as modern day slaves in California’s agricultural valley, Chinese are still exploited with pay of $0.50 per day, and Blacks in the U.S. are exploited by the for-profit prison system. The U.S. Government sees each and every one of it’s citizens as a resource to be milked for taxes. Gays need to learn how to cope with the cold hard truth that if it’s not profitable for the government, it won’t happen. So far gay marraige is a way to share assets, and enjoy all the tax benefits of marriage. Does the government really want gays to become rich(er) overnight? The government has a monopoly on THE TRANSFER OF WEALTH. They’re not letting go easily. And lastly, you speak of not being accepted. Try a different approach to things (weigh loss, self-esteem books, counseling, etc.). Good luck!
God never created an ugly human. All His creation is beautiful. A persons attitude is what gets ugly at times and that causes blindness in many areas of our being.
“…but the age difference just makes it awkward socially to be around men 40 years my senior, and most of them are just trying to get into my pants……”
You seriously said this in an article complaining about discrimination?
I don’t list preferences in my profile. I can get along with anybody and be friends, but I cannot go to bed with everybody. When I see a profile that a guy weighs 377#s and has a 3″ cock, I admire him for his honesty, but I cannot bed down with him. I am sorry. I can accept any race, cut and uncut, and my passion for darker skin, including black and tan (Arabians) has increased over the years because they seem to make better physical lovers. You’ve heard that old expression, “Once you’ve tried black, you’ll never go back.” That seems to be a truism. Only recently have I discovered the passion of our Arabian friends. In my youth, I would have said never, but tastes change.
I agree with you that gays should not insult each other and put each other down. However, we do have the right to list our preferences in our profiles. If someone is not attracted to blacks or whites or bears or heavier people why should they not be able to post it? Take me for example, I’m not attracted to older or fem dudes so I listed that on my profile. It saves their time and mine, also its not like I’m putting them down or anything. They can still contact me to be friends, I’m down for that. I just don’t want them to have the false hope that I’ll have sex with them.
Honestly, I’m really annoyed with how discriminatory the gay community generally is. You can’t really bitch about how much you want equality when you treat other gays like you’re far better than them. A lot of gay guys I know have actually been far more discriminatory than the local government (I live in Salt Lake City Utah, so when I say some gays act worse than the government, it means something). Get the fuck over yourselves. If you live at the gym, you aren’t interesting in any way. I love the “I have very little time between the gym and work, so you better be pretty amazing if I’m going to make time for you”. No. You aren’t worth my time because you’re so damn obsessed with how you look that you have no time for actually living. Being a gym rat isn’t a life, it’s actually sad. I’m pretty average built, and I don’t really have body preferences. Actually, that’s not true, if you look like you spend several hours a day at the gym, I’m not into you. You have nothing of substance to offer me. The hypocrisy of the gay “community” has to stop. You want society to respect and accept you? Than act like a goddamn community and stop telling me you won’t be my friend because I don’t have a six-pack. I have a life, I have other things I’d like to be doing than crunches, it’s called living. Piss off.
I hate to hear about this but I believe this can happen to anybody regardless of size , race etc.I have read profiles that said they were just looking for friends in the area so I hit them up just to chat n next thing u know they’re asking me if I’m a bottom or top n show me pics of cock or ass .making gay friends isn’t easy cuz most guys only wanna hang out with u just for sex or if ur very hot its so sad but its true
OMG!!! thank you for writing this. I say this so many times to my friends and get blank stares when i tell them we aren’t really a community with all the venom we throw at other gays for not being this or that. I even made a giant statement on my facebook saying i refused to toe the party line of marriage equality now because we have so many social problems within the “community” that i’d feel like a hypocrite or a liar for not addressing those issues first, united we stand and all that bullshit. but again, thank you for putting into words what i and so many (although not all) other “misfit” or “non-mainstream” gays men have been thinking and feeling. How can we stand with those who don see us as their equals.
As a teacher, I agree with a lot of things you say in this article. Schools work harder now than ever before to prevent bullying. It is not always betrayed that way, but we do. However, we have a lot to work to do, including educating adults.
One thing that I have learned is that people who are perceived as “different” quite often are bullied, rather it is race, sexual orientation, social economic status, etc. in our own community we do the same thing. Due to a family situation, I have been blessed with taking in my 2 teenage nephews, and I’m now in the process of adopting them. You would not believe the number of comments I get that are so vile I won’t share them here. Another friend from India gets some of the nastiest racist comments. One of the sweetest men I have ever had the pleasure of knowing is a recently divorced 47 year father of 3. As a newcomer in our community, it would have been awesome for him to have been accepted. Instead he constantly gets rejections TO BE FRIENDS, since he is a “breeder.”
I am pointing out that in our community, we have many, many different types of people. Just as the blogger pointed out, we need to accept each other for our community to move forward.
I have many friends who are African-American. What always amazes me is there extravagant welcome toward each other. Too often our community stays cliquish.
Thanks fortis entry, and allowing me to get some of this off my chest.
So what happened to choice? or likes and dislikes?
Not that i disagree with some of what was said but I do have an age limit and I have it on my profile, why? Cause I don’t want some one my father’s age hitting on me it is fcking creepy for me and the worst bit is the ones I have to deal with don’t take a hit (by hint I mean ‘I’m not into you’).
why would anyone have str8 friends? LOL most dont even like gays
You know what bothers me about a lot of the gays is how obsessed they are with age. You can just look at some ones profile and when they checked out who was looking at them they block you even if you have not even said a word to them. They might be missing a good friend but they are so hung up on age that they block any older guys. The sad part is they will be older and overweight someday and someone will still be doing it to them. yes there are bound to be some creepers out there but not everyone is.
Your entire statement is nothing but equivocation. Gay rights pioneers are trying to create an atmosphere where the law does not discriminate against homosexuals. You are trying to say that the gay community shouldn’t discriminate within itself as far as preferences. Nobody in the civil rights movement was asked to be friends with Rosa Parks (let alone sleep with her), they were asked to support her. I support your existence one hundred percent. I think that you are whining about the fact that people that you find desirable don’t find you desirable. That is a fact of life. Improve yourself, get off-line, and let your soul shine. I find myself hanging out with all sorts of people that I don’t find sexually desirable, yet they are amazing none-the-less. I think your issue is that you have a problem with reality. You think that the world should accept you as you are; the world only wants what you can give it that is useful. Realign you priorities and exist in a struggle free environment.
i feel what your saying.i live in roanoke va and find it very hard to meet some gay friends myself.people seem to play games when it comes to being friend.i always find people trying to play the one up game.im just me..i really dont judge people.i try to give everybody a fair chance.good luck man..
I have the biggest problem when a profile that reads “looking for friends”. I’m in a new area that I don’t particularly like because it is SO straight and a bit redneck and having some gay friends would be really nice. I guess when they see I am 58 somehow that is a turn off. How does my age turn off someone who wants to meet friends – especially those close to my age. I can understand someone in their 20’s not wanting to befriend someone my age but late 40’s and early 50’s too? I don’t understand. I have my likes and dislikes for dating as everyone does but why the problem for friends? I would gladly take any suggestions. It just seems so foolish to pass up someone, like me, who doesn’t gossip, tell others’ secrets as what someone may tell me stays with me. I don’t like a liar and I don’t lie either. Certainly no “saint” here but I do have values but I don’t judge anyone for what they do as that is their business not mine. I don’t hit on guys that are young enough to be my son anyway and I respect they don’t want someone old enough to be their father either. There is a new show on TV Land called “Forever Young” that maybe we should all be watching. For a reality show, which normally I do not watch, this one seems pretty interesting as the “house mates” are 6 over 60 and 6 under 30. Even two gays in the house and the older generation has no problem with any of them. TV Land is stepping up their game with some decent shows.
I have for a long time had an issue with the gay community and how they imagine the world to be. It seems silly to me to think that we aren’t all the same and equal, when that is the reason why we are fighting. I am sorry to inform you we shouldn’t be issuing on our profiles things that we dislike in people and instead give everyone who speaks to us the opportunity to amaze us. Saying you don’t like fat men or fem men or men of color or that you would prefer men of color over white; it is all hating one specific group of people and as we all know from experience this isn’t the correct form of action. If you can’t reply to someone via email in a nice and frank manor about what you are looking for without being rude then you have issues. (If you have nothing nice to say don’t say anything at all). My profile simply says that i am looking for a nice guy. I feel no need to single out a group of people because i have no idea who the love of my life is, not saying that i don’t have preferences but i am not going to assume that someone speaking to me wants to get into my pants.
AMEN, could not have said it any better, Unfortunately I do not see that happening in this lifetime, sad, so sad.
Maybe you should leave this topic to someone else for there is no validation in judging others. Strange you would think that
“…the age difference just makes it awkward socially to be around men 40 years my senior, and most of them are just trying to get into my pants……”
In my mid to late 20’s, when I was young, shy and still very goodlooking, I hang out a great deal with men in their late 40 to 60s. I remember spending a weekend with friends of mine who also invited a gentleman who was in his late 60s, who was a former college professor and I spent most of my day sitting with him overlooking the sea just talking. I learn so much from him that day…. he was funny… oh so funny and just full of wisdom. No one ever made a pass at me since they may have realized how in love in was with my partner.
I think it is one’s selfesteem that leads one to believe that because others are older that then they are going to make a pass at just about anyone. Sometimes you need to sit with and learn for those who are older rather than think of yourself as something more special than others.
In the search for equality we must also push web sites to add and change some definitions. Like married ,single ,etc …. You think about it and try to help the evolution in your own way!
the same goes whats being said about people with hiv. im 22 and find it hard being able to have a nice conversation with almost everyone on adam because i try to strike up one and im instantly blocked. or they look at my message, then my profile, then block. we who are open and honest about our hiv status should be welcomed with open arms because we are being truthful and not lying about it like a lot of others do.
I don’t see those lists on profile as offensive. It’s just their preference, we have to respect each individual’s choice. At least they are honest to speak out what they want. If you don’t like it, just pass it. Don’t make a big deal of it. By the way, do you think gay guys are sexism because they don’t like to have woman to sex with?
I can relate. It seems next to impossible finding other young gay guys here in the Mount Dora, Fl area. And sadly, guys from Orlando never want to make to 30 minute drive up here. 🙁
Alright, as a Black gay man. I have experienced racial discrimination from whites gay n straight. I am well aware of the difference btwn PREFERENCE n PREJUDICE n RACISM. It is normal to have n state your preference. I am not open to b friends with everyone I encounter. Some ppl u can judge bcuz of the way they carry themselves. There is a difference btwn associates n FRIENDS. Now I agree its not polite to pass snide comments based on a single group or individual. But in our community there r ALOT of trainwrecks that think.its ok to b out, loud, strong n wrong. U can b big, u don’t hafta b sloppy. U can b built but but when your roided arms can’t wipe.your ass, u can b fem but who likes a trashy mess over a classy bitch. U can b butch but b a man not a hood rat. As far as older vs younger I look younger than my age n I have had to let a few younger tighter dudes that I can goto the gym n get their body in 30 days they’d hafta live a lifetime to get my experience. And smart money bets on wisdom n knowledge over youth n ignorance any day. I may play with boys occasionally but my heart has only ever been given.to a man. Maybe we should not judge each other but we damn sure need to inspect our community n straighten out our own. And like it or not we are a visual society n personally I have never shopped in a store if I didn’t like what was in the window. A sloppy or mediocre outward appearance rarely hides a heart of gold. Embrace who u r, work with it n always strive to b better.
Thank you sooo very much for posting this, it is greatly appreciated. I myself have been fighting this particular issue for wayyyy over a decade now and am just frankly tired of it!!! Just because I am black fem male, doesn’t mean I am the creature from the damned black lagoon!!! Smh I mean there is nothing wrong at all with having preferences, we all have them!! But don’t have sooo many, that they are now setting up home and shop on MARS!!! Smh It’s called balance, and acceptance. Which is sorely lacking in this damned so-called community of our’s, and then a lot of you same exact guys out there (like the original post stated) have the nerve and audacity to scream discrimination when it comes to marriage and being open in the military, etc. Honestly, look in the damned mirror first before you even say SH*T!!!! ;(
Ok, so it seems that these response comments are missing the point. The issue is that why are people that list that they are seeking “friends”, rejecting people as potential friends based solely on a physical appearance. It seems nearly impossible to have gay friends. About 90% only want to be friends with someone they deem attractive enough to fuck! I’m sorry but that is just a sorry truth in the gay community! Nothing gets under my skin more than to try and message someone that is ” just looking for new friends” and either being ignored or told that I’m not their type! I mean really? So therefore I totally agree!! Grow men and be supportive of one another!!!! There is no harm in friends that you don’t want to fuck!!
Drake, I’m trying to follow your equality question in your article. You mention living in rural Florida and not having very many gay guys to socialize with or who will consider you an acceptable friend because of your weight. Which is it? If you live in rural America, where there is a limited number of out gay men to hang with, then why do you mention all the caddy, judgemental comments from gay guys in your area. I grew up in rural N.C. during the 70’s and truly felt like the only gay kid in my neck of the woods. Loneliness was real and the gay bullying came from other straight kids as well as adults. I did feel the sting of inequality and that is why we older gay men worked so hard to try and change our world to make it a more safe and equal playing field.
So, please do not suggest that all gay folks get involved with making other gay folks feel less than because of their unique and varied body types. There is a big difference between the fight for eqaulity where being in the minority makes you an unequal citizen versus todays freedom, no matter how unfair it may be, to discriminate against other gay folks due to their various qualities they are free to express. Just by the mere fact that this does occur speaks volumes on how far gay folks have come in my lifetime. Equality work was hard fought and is still being fought for through the acceptance for gay marriage rights which many of us still do not have as a choice in many states. What I’m trying to say is that we did not have the luxury to be caddy and hateful to our gay brothers and sisters when we had to bear the scars of the hatemongers who rather see us dead than having the freedom to just be our gay selves. Much much equality work has been done by the gay community in the last 50 years so please don’t compare that to discrimination within our own out and proud gay community of today. Those are just growing pains and can be remedied by not participating in this silly judgemental behavior.
I disagree that we’re all the same person b/c we’re not. That what makes us who we are, but I do get what you were trying to say. i agree with the statement “Put Your Equality Where Your Mouth Is” tho. I agree we do need to be one-with-another to win this “fight”.
what about people with hiv?
I’ve been HIV positive since i was 20. Found out the week before my birthday and because I’m completely honest about it, people refuse to even talk to me. Kind of like they will get infected through the webernet or just by talking to me. It becomes stressful when you think about it.
I would be willing to bet that the only people who are defending the in-community discrimination for even friends, are the exact people who do it and are trying to justify what they do. I can’t respect a community of people’s desires for societal equality when there isn’t even equality within the community itself. No offense, but we should be accepting each other a lot more before we ask society to truly accept us. That’s rather hypocritical no?
To: Dllindsey
I think you should be honest about it and glad that you are. Whether is being older, like me, or HIV+ shouldn’t make a bit of difference to be able to chat with someone. These guys shouldn’t put “looking for friends” if they can only be friends with a perfect match. I am HIV friendly and learned quite a lot from someone on here that is also HIV+. It is stressful to try and speak to someone who is allegedly looking to meet friends and then tells you “hell no” and blocks you because I’m 17 years older. Add to that from being in a car accident and now disabled from it makes it harder. Try as you may to just brush it off, every human has feelings whether you’re built and muscular or just an average guy like me. I certainly never thought when I got up that day a week after my 35th birthday that this would be my life. It sucks as I really liked my job and it paid well but after 5 neck surgeries, I have limitations. I guess those make me one you cannot be a friend to, really? Pretty sad. Be thankful all you healthy muscular dudes that your life can change in an instant and not be so quick to dismiss someone as it could happen to you.
@Robert
Can you please message me on A4A.
Everyone else there is really not much to say as people have hit on the head what I was talking about and those who argued, idc, other people proved my point, but I can validate this.
YES! Please sit with your elders, talk with elders, MEET people and just talk and share lives. Learning from our elders is how we learn about our past and everyone had a unique and amazing story to tell.
And my bit about the older guys in my area, I’d say about 1 in 20 want to have a legit conversation/friendship with me. Regardless of age I’m no one’s booty call and treating me like such will result in me not talking to them for a while.
Thank you everyone for the feedback and if you want to write to me and say something but aren’t sure about it, stop over thinking it, I welcome a conversation with anyone.
Yesterday this guy wrote me n said…. u have amazing eyes….I love ur body…. then ended w…TO BAD U HAVE LOBG HAIR…I DON T LIKE GUYS W LOBG HAIR……….I have heard this over n over n can I just say…THANK U FOR ASSUMING I WAS WAITING On BENDED KNEES For U….love how all these guys feel the need to put the cart before the horse n assume I was interested in the first place…heads up…I WASN T!!!!!!!!!!……….FRIENDS COME IN ALL SHAPES N COLORS n who knows u may dall for one…deep down I think that s what most bitchy guys are afraid of..they may fall for a fat friend AN THEN WHAT…they ll be ruined…………overall just be OPEN for friendship n open for love PERIOD!
Being a young black male I am used to the typical stereotypes people and the media often label us with; however I would of never thought people in the LBGT community discriminate so much when we as a whole are still fighting for equal rights. I don’t discriminate nor judge anyone, as long as you have a good head on your shoulders I will talk to you. I understand people may have certain sexual preferences but if your basing your preferences off of stereotypes and misguided information thats when I have a problem. Most of us including myself are just looking for friends, yes there are individuals who are just looking to “hookup” those are the people who wonder why they never get a response or get blocked. Bottom line if your not against being friends don’t turn down anybody just because their a certain ethnicity.
The problem with profiles that say they are “looking for friends” is that it’s so often not the whole truth. Many just use that line as a way to reel others in so they can attempt to get what they are really after offline.
Online it’s easy to turn advances down and move on, but when you are lured in to what you believe is for friendship only and you are with them in person they think they have a better chance of putting you on the spot, talking you into changing your mind and or the chance of your maybe providing them with sympathy sex.
Also; (related to the above) A lot of guys on here believe you just get your cock hard and satisfied, no matter what you’re sticking it into. To me that’s a symptom of being a pervert and perverts (as well as pedophiles) exist in all communities, even the gay community, where they are able to blend in better and be thought of as just another gay person.
I’m not looking for an appliance to get my rocks off for me and my cock isn’t going to get hard for someone who doesn’t turn me on anyway.
Luckily I have met and made a few good “friends only” on here, but none of them have “looking for friends” posted in their profiles ether, so be aware of that over used, hidden agenda pick up line.
gays are just downright RUDE as a rule anyway, no matter the “group”. i don’t care what people think of me. and having that attitude change made my life so much more easy.