Dating: Why Do Gay Men Flake Out on Dates?
So, you and this wonderful guy have been chatting online, talking on the phone, and texting for a week and finally the two of you decided to meet. You both agreed on a particular time, date, and venue. You two even went so far as to plan what you guys will do on your first date: dine on a fancy seafood restaurant, watch a movie, and then hangout at a bar later. Here comes the long-awaited day, you leave the house dressed to the nines so to speak; further, you arrived at the venue a tad too early. You sat in the corner of the café and waited.
Time passes by but you were excited albeit jittery until you realized that wait, he’s been an hour late! Maybe you got the venue wrong so you checked and rechecked. You decided to call him but alas, his number can no longer be reached!
Still, you continue to hope. Perhaps he got the date wrong, maybe he thought it was tomorrow instead of today? Your brain continues to make excuses for him as you sat there, baffled. Is the traffic this afternoon really that bad or, heaven forbid, did he get into an accident? But at the end of the day, he was a no-show and he was never heard from again. His silence says it all, doesn’t it?
I am, obviously, speaking from experience.
The first time this happens, we can probably brush it off. But if it’s happened one too many times, it can certainly do a number on one’s self-confidence. In time I’ve learned to shrug my shoulders and, like during breakups I’d choose to move forward with the thought that another man will come along, hopefully the right one this time.
Why do people flake out though? Some say they simply weren’t interested enough, others say they were still unsure of their sexuality and that apprehension made them back out at the last minute.
Anyway, has this ever happened to you? (Or maybe the right question is how often?) What were the excuses given to you? Maybe you flaked out at one point, in which case why did you cancel on him? For those who cancel dates often though, why do you do it?
Share with us your thoughts and stories in the comments section below.
Its happened to me numerous times. But I have learned if they don’t show within 15 minutes or call/text to explain the delay, I am outta there. My time is valuable too.
That’s easy…they’re self-absorbed morons. I’ve never flaked on a date or even a hookup.
My experience is if you don’t see him the same day we will never see each other!
Has happened many, many times. So many men have no sense of honor or sense of honesty or sense of property — so it’s no surprise or grave disappointment when the guy doesnt show up. And so when a guy does show up, it’s a wonderful thing.
This happened to me once, last summer. Met a guy on A4A. We agreed to meet at a local coffee shop, I arrived a few minutes early; he never showed up. After waiting 30 minutes, I texted him, he did not response. We have not communicated since. I see him on A4A often. I accepted the fact that he was not the man I thought, or hoped, he was. I did not take his no-show personally. I am impeccable with my word, I always show up for first meetings/dates.
I find it very confusing when guys flake out on you, after you have a very exciting first chat. You seem to have everything going in the right direction, making a connection that gives you both nasty thoughts. You make plans to meet, even going so far as to setting the stage of the incounter. Time passes by till the time you meet on person, then poof gone. No response to the many emails, or texts. Then you sit wondering was it all just a game? Did his phone loose power? The answer was never really revealed, so you log it in the flake file, then ,over on to doing something else. It still stings, but as a grown ass Man, you don’t let it consume you.
I’d like to be the first to answer this and it pretty much should & sums it up for anybody else responding to people who do this
You Guys that do this -are Fucking aAssholes!
Don’t act like you’re available when You’re NOT!
Figure out your insecurity crap or arrogance or just Stop the fucked up games !!
it’s called emotionally unavailable ,physically unavailable and just you’re a fucking prick
-why did you bother ?
-why did you bother to contact somebody online? Or respond back -why did you bother to chat online -why did you bother to set up anything , go on a date or whatever -why does anybody fucking bother to do any of this bullshit
-it’s fucking nonsense and a goddamn waste of time
Seriously Don’t .!!!
Can’t express this harshly enough
Don’t waste peoples time that actually are looking for something more than a fucking hook up or some bullshit like this -that’s all that should be said about anyone that does this
YOURE A FUCKING ASSHOLE !
So well put, thank you JER !!!
Some guys are just plain voyeurs. They contact you, exchange information, build your ego up as you build theirs. Once you decide to meet he cums and he is done with you and on to the next conquest. Most notably are the guys who ask for your e-mail because they are in Afghanistan on their way home and just want to settle down with you. Note: two days +- their profile has been suspended. What I do is say that I will be at so and so bar/coffee location and if you want to meet you know where to find me. I will not be looking for him so no big deal when he doesn’t show up. I have dissed a guy once as his profile/pic was way out of line from the visual. Keep your expectations low and anything you get is a bonus!
Mitch you are spot on. This describes my experiences perfectly. These guys never have any intention of meeting. They get their satisfaction from thinking you’re sitting in a coffee shop or bar for hours waiting on them.
Honestly I’ve been accused of being a flake but really I’m just a busy guy. If guys can’t understand that, then maybe they need a job or a hobby.
If you can’t let someone know you can’t make it and just flake out, it’s not that you’re too busy, it’s that you’re just an inconsiderate self-absorbed asshole. The other guy’s time is also valuable and is probably at least as busy as you.
Well said. How long does it take to send a text these days?
One vote for: unsure of their sexuality and that apprehension made them back out at the last minute.
On A4A, the answer is simple; the men are frauds who hide behind a profile and pictures that are not who they really are or, alternatively, they are so emotionally and psychologically deformed by their experiences that they do not have the capacity to be honest. They prefer games among expert game players. But, when it is a real person and they really work out, the connection is always great. That’s the few. One simply has to ensure the many frauds or cripples before finding a few jewels. When he flakes and doesn’t show, put him in category A (frauds) or B (emotional cripple). Move on. This is Adam not real life although real life does sometimes happen on Adam.
Well, this is one of those things that happens “across the board.” Insecurity; maybe its just for the attention or maybe they just want to see ‘if’ they still have the power of attracting someone to them. Insincerity; maybe they’re not being honest about themselves onto themselves. Of course, its quite possible that they are just simply that “flaky,” sometimes people realize when faced with what they ‘sense’ in YOU, is something they could NEVER live up to, it scares them.
Their intentions, were not yours, maybe they were just sparing you from something far worse, consider it a blessing.
Perhaps if they were communicating over email and phone he was quickly removed from availability and an evil entity set on destroying the first guy took over and not only made things difficult but then never showed up because they sent the real guy to their CEOs bratty son instead two doors down just so that the first guy could still hear all the fun he wasn’t having. Then any future attempts to gain assistance for all the crazy things done to him to keep him from discovering the obvious truth that was too insane to believe after they got him addicted to lots of drugs were ignored and brushed off until the PTSD and technocratic first guy survived some rehab facility that was too expensive in the first place due to lack of income from SSRI related cognitive shifts in approaching stress and time management. Then, he discovers God who is upset about the injustice but is torn because the impostor is a devout believer but is just putting on a show. That’s even worse, but it is convincing to the public which means the first guy has to watch God help his worst enemy or else it looks like He is picking the now strung out and sex crazed due to the evil entity baiting him mercilessly but never delivering to him while constantly hearing his nemesis who ousted him enjoy what he worked for. What was the question again? Oh yes. Why do guys flake sometimes? Because it wasn’t they who made the plans. In fact they are pretty oblivious aside from very urgently but still too cryptic messages from the other side trying to help. Other side as in supernatural. So obviously Sam and Dean would… Just kidding. But either that or they finally found peace and,quiet for the first time in so long that they didn’t realize that super,urgent meeting was actually urgent and decided to not try due to so many previous times when they did which caused them,even more PTSD. Like being in the trenches for extended periods of time, having your hopes lifted for extended periods of time can cause the baseline to shift leaving you with a lot of very painful feelings most of the time.
Cuz they’re nothing but cunts
Lol! True in my day (disco era), truer now! Now that they can hide behind A4A et al, they’re even bigger cunts. They couldn’t get away with that back in the bar era; their reps would’ve been in tatters in no time. Now, thanks to hookup sites, they can be turbocunts!
Met a great guy on Adam who told me because he had a son he wasn’t interested in hook-ups. eventually he agreed to meet me in a straight bar for a drink — like you I waited in the bar for an hour before I realized I was being stood up. And of course, he never contacted me again or responded to my messages. This month — 2 years later — I saw him on-line and simply said hello. I didn’t let on that we had talked before or that he had stood me up — he clearly didn’t remember me. When he expressed interest in me I decided not to waste my time with him, and his childish games, again.
Always reconfirm the day of the date. If they respond then you’ll know if they are serious. If they don’t then you have your answer
Why do Gays Flake? It’s a multifaceted issue.
1. Maturing in an environment that they were displaced in: This causes them to be at odds with others.
2. Entitlement of their desires: The idea that only ideal people are eligible for interests yet seeing themselves as exempt from that rule.
3. Not knowing why they want the option of intimacy despite going through the motions.
When you roll all this up into one person: You get this system where these people have this idea…that they need to be rescued. I think this in part comes from people who have grown up in environments where they were treated as “other”. Not badly, or poorly but, just not one of us, y’know? One of these things is not like the other, one of these things is…different.
However…The problem is that these people are also more passive. They don’t typically have the get up and go needed to help themselves. Again I think this comes from an environment where they are treated as other and thus want to be “included” by someone else. They are the kid that’s always last picked…waiting for their turn, y’know? And they mature into adults with this mentality…it’s a type of learned helplessness. I say this becasue I have never had a flake be overly…forward. Never…nothing about them is ever a cut above by any measure. They want this game of cat and mouse where they control who the cat is; delusional.
So this system get’s complicated by natural desires…it’s a control thing though. They want to be sought after but, again that learned helplessness prevents that from yielding an outcome. When you introduce preference this preference inflates and becomes entitlement. It’s odd it’s a control thing…it’s their attempt at expressing and resolving a lack of control on their life. So they naturally pick and chose but this inflates to pass fail checks. You pass you fail and I determine that all on my own! Kind of like a…kid versus an ant hill. It’s the illusion of control they are pretending they have…even though they don’t
Now remember these are passively minded people. They aren’t typically motivated enough to help themselves. I am not saying their lives are in shambles just that there are those that find treasure and then those that look for it.
I genuinely don’t think flakes know why they do what they do. I don’t think they understand why they THINK they want what they want but don’t know why that is…thus we get the going through the motions symptoms. I think this is kind of like…contradiction errors where…They feel some kind of way; emotionally tense and think intimacy is the solution for that emotional tension BUT they don’t know why they think that. They know what they feel but they don’t understand why they think another person is the solution to that tension. So when they start this process…of doing all this extra…there never was an end goal in sight…because there was never a reason for them to initiate this process. Thus occurs the flake.
They think they want to be sought after; rescued
They think they want someone they like specifically; entitled
They don’t know why they think this; going through the motions
I’ve met very many flakes and very many people who have told me you’re not what I am looking for. The flakes are almost always messy, weak willed people, and it doesn’t pertain to just you. Trust me. You find me a flake who has their shit together……just 1. These are some of the messiest people out there, I’m telling you. If they flaked on you:
*This shows a habit of avoiding responsibility
*There is a VERY high likelihood that they are running from something.
*This also shows a miserable lack of discipline.
*You are not the only person and/or situation they are flaking on. This is includes family, all the way up to car payments. lol
People rarely change and if they’ve been up to stupid shit…they’ve been at it for a long time.
I find a sizable number of gay men to be shallow and narcissistic. Couple that with a need for drama that the queens have and you have a recipe for flakes.
I know what you mean. That’s more expected if it’s like a teen kid still in hs just finishing or just grad. that insecurity of theirs shouldn’t be too big of a surprise(though disappointing)their hormones are still make them question themselves. But many of these are already “men” who should already know that’s not too cool. Well lets just till it happens to them and they might see why that’s not cool (if they can see it). At least back out before the date! Though disappointing it does have a light blow.
I think some guys flake out because it would be admission that they’re gay and that realization is too much for them. Or his wife found out.
All the comments are spot on. There are lots of flakes and rude people out there. I’ve learned to trust my intuition and have gotten fairly good at reading between the lines. I will cut off communication as soon as I sense the guy’s a flake. It could be as quickly as realizing the guy won’t answer a simple question. Using basic intuition and experience, I’ve met some truly great guys through Adam who have gone on to become good and trusted friends.
My thought on the matter is ,money are normally game players, have NO intention of ever meeting , they are more than likely fake, bored, and find it amusing to get ones hopes high, then drop off the face of the world, OR create a new profile with no intention of ever meeting, these “types” certainly are in need of psychiatric counseling.
For some reason this seems to happen alot especially with other guys that seem to take an interest in your profile they send you messages,texts,even chat on the phone…set up a time and place and all of the sudden there is no communication between the two people…first sign that something is going south or already has…no replies to text messages where as to before it was almost constant…day of the meeting…the fucker decides not too show even though your the one that did show…and of course he does not not even call or text saying he changed his mind or he was no longer interested…all the comments on here are true,some look to find someone that they can string along and then just vanish…some actually show up but forget to bring money or other things saying he will get it the next time…this is fucked up…bring your wallet,if you can remember your phone you can remember your wallet too…think about it first before setting up to meet someone..if at all possible meet them sooner than later..lessons learned all too well…any more if they are not there in a 15-20 min time slot they are not coming…
Men are pigs, gay or straight.
I stay in hotels all over the country for work. In my experience upon organizing tete-a-tetes (my head sucking on or getting fucked by other guy’s head of his dick), if 12 guys say they are coming over for sex, maybe two, or three, might show up. Most men have no sense of responsibility.
OMG this just happened to me. I arrived at the meeting place and sent a I’m here message. About 30 seconds later he blocked me. I know I’m attractive but I really felt like dirt being dropped like that. I’m 100% sure that I’ve never flaked on a date, appointment, or agreement. I don’t expect the same from everyone because but maybe I should.
Maybe …
They are scared/insecure about stepping out. Initially, this can can be tough. We get it.
OR …
They are self-absorbed, self-obsessed assholes who get off yanking others’ chains anonymously.
In either case, they are inconsiderate/disrespectful of others and need to align their conduct to become more well-behaved and gentlemanly in behavior.
(If this shit is just too hard for you, please stay at home and don’t interact with other guys online.)
That’s what you deserve for being a kidnapper!
I believe it’s because it’s the age of “hook ups” with social media, adam,manhunt , grindr ,scruff and the others , most of these guys are only interested in a hook up and nothing more , yes these apps etc are great for hook ups they are not any thing that relates to dating or a relationship, I honestly don’t know if there are any gay men that are honest even with themselves , it’s all about the next dick or ass and they could.carw less about anyone other than themselves ,, NARSASTIC for sure , at least 90% of the guys are where I live
Perfect statement
It happened to me twice. First time it was a quick turnaround, and I was so naive to think one could show up within an hour when they lived far away. I waited for half hr, no answer to messages. Second time I was running late, asked the guy to wait 10 minutes. I got to bar and guy was not there nor ever answered messages. He probably never made it there. Since then I have been more selective of the guys I meet, chat more first, and if it is going to be a “date”, it is at a place near me, and that I like. In case they don’t show up at least I can enjoy myself.
I have had this a few times in the past. Not bothered really. Naturally, I cant tolerate lateness, so anyone would be lucky I waited beyond my 15 minutes rule – my friends know this. So if a guy is not responding to texts/calls, then I’m outta there. I find lateness without update in itself as rude let alone no-show. Interestingly though, one guy told me two years later that he lost his phone on his way and wasnt sure if I was there when he arrived (did he?). I did wait for 30mins though because I sympathised that he was traveling by unerground train while I cycled. He apologised and wanted to meet… Not me! If it took 2 years to apologise with a new profile, then he’s not worth anybody’s time.
It’s incredibly rude. It’s ok to change your mind….but this is supposed to be between grown adults. Be a man… a gentleman…and have manners.
A simple text will do.
It takes a practical act of God for me to cancel. And I have never left a guy hanging… wondering what happened
I have been stood up a number of times, so many that I am not on Adam or other sites much anymore. Just last week, someone gave me a fake address to go to; it was the second time in a year. That hurt big time. It was intentional cruelty, which really is human behavior at its worst. Here in Palm Springs, most everyone is in couples, and those who aren’t, just cannot have or don’t want relationships. Makes it very hard to date, especially given all the flakes. I grew up in a very honest household where kindness and integrity were paramount..you know, good Southern manners. So I am probably more susceptible to being shocked and dismayed.
I’ve been stood up a few times, but I’ve also met a few guys on A4A that fucked me like wild animals and made the wait worthwhile. If they stand me up, I just move on to the next guy, if they show up, they’re gonna have a great time!
What gets me is he showed up. Wr had a nice meal. Went back to my place. Sex was was fucking awesome. He left never to be seen again.
It just says a lot about the guys character. Why waste someone time by chatting with them for a long time just to ignore them. Then what’s even worst they block you for no apparent reason. I had one guy wanted to hook up. I knew the red flags but I went with it anyways just to see what happens. He sat there explaining what he wanted to do to me and I’m like uh huh. Then he said let’s meet up he lives 10 mins from me. Then “poof” disappears and don’t respond but reads your message. I blocked him after that. What’s even funny, he went on another sn and said why I blocked him. I didn’t give him a chance to respond. And if you was busy then why you keep viewing my profile even minute?
Basically I have my way of finding out if they’re fake and real. If they don’t give you their number after a week and don’t meet you after a month, then they just want a pen pal. Also if they keep responding to you with short worded answers like a five year old then dismiss them.
I get where everyone is coming from and it gets really annoying when someone does that . We are grown ass adults (use term loosely). Especially in NJ they do it all the time. Having a dick pic or ass pic on their page telling you they’re horny just to ignore you on purpose claiming oh they were busy….BS.
How about being stood up 28+ times in a matter of a 4-day weekend. I know it sounds like I am the biggest whore, but, no sex was had at all that weekend for me. It started w/ Friday “lunch date” that was to include sex. Set up several days prior we texted everyday sometimes twice a day in anticipation of meeting one another. The pages & pages of messages leading up to our meeting read more like dialogue from a play than mere texts. Friday 11AM I am at designated place ….a few minutes early. After 20 minutes I text him……the past 3 days he replies within seconds of me sending, lol……no answer. He has been online constantly since we met……oh, he’s offline. What the hell…..I’ll just phone the fucker, the old fashioned way, he is so hot to get in my pants, the call won’t bother him…..goes straight to voicemail…..and I never hear from him again. This happens in various ways and circumstances all with he exact same results…..27 more times in the next 3 days. I thought I was losing my mind.