Love : Dating A Positive Man
***Valentine’s Day is coming, so the upcoming posts will all be about LOVE. Love for younger, love for older, love for HIV positive men, love love love! Happy Valentine week everyone! <3
Today’s topic is a bit serious but so important.
I have few friends around me that are HIV positive and it brought me to want to learn more about it, learn more about them, their relationships, love, dating, sex. I asked them questions to find out that it was not easy for them to meet guys. And for my friends who are openly out about their status, it’s even harder even if they are all undetectable. They told me that as soon as they mention their status to a guy, some of them get automatically rejected. Only few seronegative guys seem to be “educated” enough on the subject to accept to go on a date and have sex with them. I say “educated'” because I think what makes people fear HIV postive guys, is thast they don’t know much about the virus and how controlled it is today with medications.
There are many myths about HIV and a good article I read last week was mentioning some of the biggest and I’d like to share some with you:
Did you know that positive guys on anti-HIV drugs reduces the risk of passing HIV to sex partners? Of course it is not 100% effective yet but the risk of infecting a partner is enormously reduced. A large international study looked at couples in which one partner was HIV positive and the other was HIV negative. The researchers found that if the positive partners took HIV medications to suppress their viral load (undetectable) the rate of HIV infection for the HIV negative partners was 96% lower if the positive partner was on ARVs. (source: http://www.va.gov/)
Statistically, you are far, far more at risk if you have unsafe sex with someone who doesn’t know their HIV status then someone who takes his medication religiously to keep is health on top!
-HIV and AIDS are the same thing
So many people think that they are the same thing or that HIV diagnosis is a death sentence. Sexual health charity Terrence Higgins Trust just did research of people living with HIV and this came out as the biggest myth, heard by 63% of them.
HIV (Human Immunodeficiency Virus) The virus will cause AIDS (Acquired Immunodeficiency Syndrome) if you don’t realize you are HIV positive and take treatment. This condition is when your immune system is destroyed, allowing other infections and cancers to kill you. But people who get diagnosed quickly will start treatment and never contract AIDS and will have a normal lifespan like everybody else.
-“I’m monogamous, so I’m not in danger!”
Hmmm, not quite! Sadly more gay men contracted HIV from their regular partner or boyfriend then do from having random sex with strangers. So it’s why always wearing a condom is your best line of defense.
-HIV positive guys are uneducated slutty whores
I personally know lot’s of POZ guys because I worked for Gay Pride organization here in Montreal and now work for A4A so I can tell you that they are the most amazing people I know. Imagine to learn that you are HIV positive and then live with it. For some, it was not even their fault, the condom broke, a boyfriend cheated on them, etc. but they still have to carry on living. It definitely made them stronger persons. Some are very active in the gay community, they respect others (because they want them to respect them), they are very “health oriented” and definitely very loving with their friends and family. Many of my friends who have HIV are professionals. Lawyers, engineers, business owners, very successful people…so HIV is not only contracted by sex workers, it can be your best friend, your brother and your son. Show your love and support instead of hating:)
So after reading this, what do you say? Are you more open to date a positive guy? Are you less scared? Do you want to have more information?
I want to know guys if you are positive or negative (if you want to tell me of course) and if you have been in a relation with a positive man (or vice versa if you are positive).
If you are negative and refuse to date a positive men, I want to know why?
Thanks guys and have a wonderful day!
Dave
(Guys, make sure to grab your FREE Valentine gift in our sex shop by clicking here!)
Great article and not sad at all…there is alot to be said about empathy…Love to all
Howdy Dave been living with HIV/AIDS some 32odd yrs healthier than ever.I am #65 don’t look it or feel it…. Most men if not all are not up on the virus n NO guy can deal with me being poz I try and make sure that everyone I come in contact with knows my status. I wish more men would be OK dating etc a poz guy.
I am negative and want to keep it that way. I won’t date a Poz person because I don’t want to be scared about all that goes along with HIV. I refuse to be shamed into dating someone i’m uncomfortable with despite whatever “information” is made available to me. I’ve met lots of the other kind of Poz guy counter to the view presented here, the kind that doesn’t care about their lives, does hard drugs and is a total whore that doesn’t disclose their status. Not everyone from a group is good or bad in some generalized way, its all a personal choice.
Also, its spelled engineer. I had to point it out, who proofreads these? They are a little hard to take seriously when there are basic spelling errors. lol!
Alex : There’s 1 spelling error in a thousand+ words post…. I’m french Canadian and make mistakes sometimes. No need to bitch about it!
Alex: It is ALWAYS terribly embarrassing to make oneself the fool when one is correcting another’s English by making an even MORE grievous error, as you have done, within two words of the word you were correcting, as well as a second punctuation error on the very word you were correcting: “Also, its [sic] spelled engineer [sic].” Properly, you should have written: Also, it’s spelled “engineer.”
“Its” the possessive pronoun does NOT have an apostrophe.
“It’s” the contraction of “It is” does have an apostrophe to indicate the deletion of the “i” of “is.”
Are we back to beating this horse again? I speak only for myself here: no amount of medication will give me the security and peace of mind I need when it comes to my sexual health, dating, and relationships. Generically speaking, we dodge enough proverbial bullets on a daily basis, why add to the firing squad?
Steven, yes we’ll always beat this horse until there’s a cure 🙂 Not happy? Don’t read the post….
I’ve been in a serodivergent relationship for 24 years. When we first started dating hiv had no treatment and people were dieing. Now it doesn’t seem very risky to date a poz.
I thank the Goddess for the balls to try love instead of rejecting a lover because of his hiv status. We have lots of friends, close family and a good life. Oh, he is still poz and I am neg. I know you’re wondering. 🙂
This blog has opened up my eyes a little bit more. I work in healthcare and know a good deal about HIV, however I’m still on the fence about dating someone who is poz. I have learned to never say never, but we shall see what the future holds.
Im a 52 year old guy i have a boyfriend that had aids and he past away from them we didnt know he had it till it was to late i am HIV- but i would date a young guy with HIV and love him if that happen all i ask please get tested so you know early enough to get the help you need
I really am tired of every HIV blog coming at the situation as if the person only got HIV because they were cheated on by a boyfriend. To be honest, as we know from A4A, people have VERY dangerous practices and a lot of people get HIV from sleeping around.
Add to that the number of positive people who ‘only bb’ and go around telling negative people that it’s ok to bareback with them – they’re undetectable!
I wouldn’t fuck someone with herpes. I wouldn’t fuck someone with hepatitis. I won’t fuck someone with HIV. That’s just a fact. I’m clean and I want to stay that way and I’m taking my precautions. You didn’t and its my ‘preference’ – since that is thrown around on this site so very often.
Sorry, I don’t believe the stories that everyone who caught HIV was completely not at fault. Deal with the consequences.
FYI Statistics show roughly at least 70% of Americans for example have HPV during their lifetime. Go look it up, and that’s only one of the many infections condoms do not protect you against, goes from skin to skin, unlike HIV which can be treated and controlled from spreading. Unless you are requesting the official test results of at leas the 7 most common STDs from the person you sleep with, you don’t know what you’re bringing into your bed, because he might not necessarily know. And many of these show no symptoms, and even come back as negative even when the person indeed is positive like the above mentioned, depending on the type of testing performed. And another FYI people are less likely to use condoms after they have moved in together with their man, but that does not mean he is clean even after testing. In my case, what he didn’t get at home he went on the streets for it and even brought home women to fuck in my bed while i was away working to ensure rent was paid. And I know exactly where it came from because I tested and went through an extensive period of abstinence prior to going steady with him to ensure I was not endangering him in any way, but I was too caught up in protecting him, more than I was in protecting myself. That’s why I let alot of shit slide, so my bad. And I later found out he had previously accused a mutual friend of ours for being responsible for him contracting HIV, so even if he didn’t test positive, he suspected prior to entering a relationship with me. What happened with me was lack of self esteem and ignorance, and if I were more into caring for myself, I would have probably been on prep or been alot harder screening guys. I guess when you want someone, you sometimes don’t want to see the red flags. Good luck screening, I hope you’re asking for the receipts…
I’ve dated several poz guys. They’re nicer, and more humble, than the ones who lie about their status, or won’t get tested. We know enough about transmission now to be at a point where, unless the “safe sex” aspect interferes with the sex, it should be fine…and I’m still neg.
Wow, I have to say that it surprises me how hateful ignorance make people. no because you know about something or for some of you, know it all, means that everybody knows about it.
I’m sure that those of you who hate the HIV+ gay guys wonder why straight people hate gay guys???!!! You are descriminating HIV+ gay guys because they are different than you… This blog is for everybody to learn from each other…. They are no saying to have sex with HIV+ guys, they just want to know what we all think about it and the reasons why.
I’m HIV- and I don’t date poz guys because I don’t feel comfortable but not because I’m judging them or because I think I’m better than them or because I hate them or because i think they are different.
We have to stop all this nonsense with the hate among us.
I’m sure there are a lot of misspelling here, but probably, if we try to understand what the message says, instead of how many “Fs”, “Cs” and “Ks” are in a word and what letter is missing in the word, we could be a little more open to finally get the equality that we deserve!
In the present today I think people must be educated enough although its unfortunate that some are not.I am yes ofcourse gay nd hiv+ for 3yrs now,after my last relationship that I settled for less unfortunately,I say so cause he wasn’t honest with me,(don’t pity am over that already)in africa its hard yes to have a relationship with someone who knows urs status.may I say when he is honest,be thankful for that.I am looking for partner blogger maybe you can assist with that,hook up.nd keep on preaching about this issue.self acceptance first,then honesty(been open) after been protective.am 23 by the way
I’ve been around Poz guys for like 20 so years now. As a Neg. guy, I feel very comfortable in my own skin; don’t have any fear factors like some others might have. I’ve held hands, kissed, you name it; get tested as Neg.! Whether I’m genetically immune, I have no idea. My ancestry at both ends, comprises of Eastern Europe background. As a matter of fact, I’ve been seeing & dating a Poz guy for awhile now on a regular basis. He’s such an enjoyable treasure (and quite a tease…LOL) to be around with. Thus far, we both seem to get along extremely well with one another & enjoy each another’s company; & that’s what counts in my book! I don’t expect anyone to understand my “personal” point of view; but then, neither do I understand everyone else’s.
Ive had 3 longterm relationships since I became positive over 30 years ago. None of my partners became positive. My current relationship is with a much younger very mature man who has known nothing but sex in the hiv possible world. Ive been healthy my entire life, very fit, dont look my age nor do I act it. HIV diagnosis at age 26 was a lifesaver and a wakeup call for me to not waste any time ever.
I been POZ since 1992 and u would think that we still are living in the early 80’s. What truly amazes me is that the Gay men won’t accept some who is Poz but they will accept a guy telling them he is negative and come to find out, the guy was never tested and they both engage in unsafe sex and guess what? The guy that thought he was with a “CLEAN” guystarts to get sick and the other guy in no where to be found. Now u r in the same boat with all the men u were just judging. everything is swept under the carpet. Men r pigs and don’t care about anybody but themselves and getting cock. I have seen this over and over again. gay men will destroy themselves. nobody has to do it for them.
Dont fuck with yng guys on here and u wounldnt get it.
Thank u for having this discussion, but things will not change here cuz it is all about SEX. The funny thing is that most Negative men don’t even care about STD’s and I hear Syphillis is bad right now
Honestly, was afraid to date poz guys until I got educated on it. Some of the best sex I’ve ever had was with a poz man, they seem less inhibited once you get between the sheets with them! I am still negative but I’ve slept with quite a few Poz guys. Give me a chance neg guys, you might just find that one great love of your life or at least some really mind blowing sex!
This is a great post and a horse that needs to be beaten until the disease is cured. Almost 34 years after the discovery of HIV and infection rates are on the rise cause everyone assumes that either they can’t catch it or there will be a cure soon and for lack of knowledge. HIV and AIDS is. Itching to joke about or dismiss. It’s still destroying the gay AND straight community especially in the older generation. We need to keep educating everyone on this and other STDs.
So yes, I’d date someone who was positive and have.
Education is important. That doesn’t mean I should place my cock anywhere I don’t want it. I would rather someone tell me they are poz then not. Let me chose to move forward or be kind and respectful to my fellow man.
Honesty is hard to find in the gay world. I can not count how many I have bred when a profile says “safe sex only” Only because I have told them I am clean. Really?
It’s not the poz men on here that you should be afraid of. It’s the ones that will give up ass for a good fuck and a big dick. Based on the fact that I said I was clean.
I am neg. I am educated on the transfer of Hiv. What I don’t understand is why we as a group are fighting for equal rights when we are so quick to kick one of our kind to the curb.
Grow up kids. I’m POZ, on meds, undetectable, but because I live in the sticks I’m sure I’ll be alone the rest of my life. Negative haters can be cruel when you talk to them. Words hurt, but if you ask them: I’m not a person anymore. I’m not worthy of love, respect, and simple courtesy. It took a long time to come to terms with living with this mess, and all of the hatred that goes along with it.
Namaste
I have been with my partner for 16yrs now. He is HIV+ and I am
HIV- We have always had unprotected sex. Hes a bottom and I am
a top. And we still to this day have AMAZING SEX.
poz here, undetectable, zero viral load. To all those who dont like it, fuck you, move on. plenty to offer here, your loss.
The title mentions both love and dating, I guess in those situations you’d be around someone long enough to see if the guy is honest, is reliable and is keeping himself healthy. When you know someone you build up trust and that would remove the fear and mystery that surrounds both HIV and antiretroviral therapy.
But, lots of people are here for a brief encounter, and you don’t know what a guy did yesterday or the day before. There is a lot to be taken on faith, and there are plenty of unknowns when you hook up with someone you really don’t know. You read the profile, weigh the positives and negatives, look at the pics and decide. For a lot of us, being positive is a disqualifier; presenting facts we should already know won’t change the picture.
But it is important to understand what HIV is and is not, this way you know what to do when you meet a hot, but positive guy. They’re out there!
Alex, you failed to include an apostrophe when you typed, “Also its spelled engineer.” You made the same mistake in the sentence above that when you typed, “its all a personal choice.” It’s = it is or it has. Unlike many words where an apostrophe denotes possession (Alex’s mistakes), that rule doesn’t apply with the word “it.” Your use of “its” denotes possession, and that wouldn’t make sense based on your response. You made the same mistake twice, so I’m assuming you learned something from this tiny, non-snarky response to your repeat errors?
Great article and some good information. I am 13-years poz and undetectable. I am right there with Penor’s opening statement. My regular family doctor is amazed each year when I see him at how healthy I am and look. He is negative, married and straight, but seeing me naked for my physical inspired him to take better care of himself and to enter the Insanity Fitness Challenge.
I have a lot of respect and no problem if a negative man rejects me because of my status. To my knowledge, the majority of men that I have dated or hooked up with have been negative and they knew up front that I am poz. What I find challenging with other poz guys is, they don’t want anything to do with me because of my status as if their undetectable poz is cleaner or different from mine. So, there are some undetectable poz guys out there that need to be educated on this topic as well.
And sex does not equate to love**
i had one friend that had helped me overcome a serious fear i had of Poz people, all the time never telling me that he was Poz himself.
becuase of this, i don’t believe i’d have a problem dating a Poz man. but that’s on them as to how much it leads to would as well.
yes there’s a lot of Poz guys out there, but there’s also a lot that aren’t so great as well. the only thing that’d stop me from dating anyone is if they didn’t want a monog LTR.
I have them positive since June of 1989 and it has all the time very secondary to me, I like your article it is very direct in honest keep up the good work and I hope things go well for you.
That is been and not them!
I have read many a post on here and some I respond to and some I do not. And with reading the post I generally look at the pictures. Here is my questions, why with this post is there a picture of a black man instead of the usual white man on it?
I’m negative and dated 2 positive guys, and am still negative. The second guy was negative when we met, we fell in love, then he tested positive and dumped me. He said he couldn’t handle me being negative & him positive. I didn’t want to break up and he broke my heart. He just shut me out. Point is, I was in love with the person he was, and was educated enough about HIV, to handle it. Maybe being an RN had something to do with it. If a guy is positive, takes his meds, and takes care of himself, I have no problem dating a positive guy. Everyone eventually develops health issues of some kind. If you love him, you learn to deal with it.
As a younger gay male recently infected from a cheating bf, I am not too bothered now that I have accepted it. Guys my age arent piss scared of the virus it seems and just hop on prep.
Occasionally I’ll find a guy who isn’t educated on the matter but once you get them educated they’re usually okay. However, the scale of open mindedness goes lower the moment you hit the age of 35+.
I am glad our youth are educated on the subject. Being rejected because of your status is embarrassing, especially if you’re not the stereotype cum whore all pos men are portrayed to be. I was faithful for 4 years only to be cheated on and infected. The whole situation sent me into depression for about a year. Now a days, I’m fine and have accepted it and will be starting HAART soon.
In the end, guys still wanna date me so I suppose its not the end of the dating world. The ones that don’t probably weren’t worth dating in the first place.
Serodiscordance should only make a difference if you’re having unprotected sex.
That said, it makes me sad that 30+ years in we’re still living with fear and ignorance.
I agree that no one should date anyone they’re uncomfortable with just to prove a point about political correctness, but you shouldn’t refuse to learn just to prove your own point either.
There’s so little love and understanding in the world today. I don’t understand allowing something in someone else’s blood to stand in the way of that possibility.
Look this is really silly people date who they want to date yes some ppl have fear and prejudice but it’s the same as a white guy saying he doesn’t date blacks hell if you ask me a guy choosing not to date a poz person is more about not putting yourself at risk than it is about hate sure medications reduce the risk but I still feel your playing with fire sooner or later you get burned
WITH PrEP DRUGS,TRUVADA+REYATAZ TAKEN DAILY,WHAT’S THE BIG ISSUE?
99% PROTECTION,WHILE CONDOMS ONLY LOW 70% PROTECTION.
TAKE YOUR PrEP DRUGS AND GO FOR IT!
Great post and I respect people who decide that they don’t want to date someone who is poz. It’s all about respect for each other and the views of others. It has taken me some time to get to this point, but that’s the point. Respect…
Speaking of respect, Alex, you chided the author for his grammar, yet you used a word “its”. In the context you used it you should have used “it’s” (contraction of it is). Just saying…glass houses.
I have no issue with whether a guy is positive or negative, it’s not something I’m afraid of, even though I prefer BB sex. Every day of my life, I take risks, driving a car, crossing the road, getting on a plane, going on a business trip to a war zone … HIV is not cancer, it’s like being diabetic (actually, it’s less stressful than being diabetic) … but I often come across people who know NOTHING about HIV, but remain scared of it … c’est la vie … we will remain surrounded by the ill-informed and that’s just the way it is. Move on …
Seriously: “Undetectable” in serum is NOT the same as viable virus not present in semen. And even men who have been undetectable for years can experience treatment breakthrough/failure. That’s why it is SO important to use a condom, top or bottom, every time. HIV isn’t the only bug out there. HPV won’t be stopped by PrEP. Neither will a nasty urinary tract/prostate infection caused by normal rectal bacteria.
So, men, protect yourselves and each other, every way you can.
WRAP THAT RASCAL!
HPV Won’t be stopped by condoms either, do you wear dental dams for oral sex? Forget about it! That’s why 70% of us get it at some point in our lives.
I am negective here but would love dating some poz guys
I have a friend who is a couple years older than me–he’s 31–who is POZ. My dad is POZ. Both have neg partners on PREP and both of them have an undetectable level of HIV.
Dating a POZ guy is not a death threat.
However, if you’re having random anonymous unprotected butt sex you could become HIV+, but there are other STDs are bring a person a life of joy like herpes.
I would never date a POZ guy because he is POZ. That would be no better than valuing a black man only for his large dick and the rest of him be damned.
I would date a guy because I was attracted to him and race or HIV status would not get in the way.
As a proud African American who enjoy reading your blog think that Antonio comment about a rare picture of a black person on your blog to illustrate a black man with HIV. I feel an explanation should be given based on past pictures of predominantly lilly whites. I think it’s only fair that an apology be issued and an commitment that a more diversified effort will be made in the future as far as inclusiveness when it comes to pictures used in your post. You guys may have not even noticed it and it wasn’t intentional. Please be considerate and understanding when you reply to our observation. Thanks guys. Keep up the good work and I really enjoy your posts.
matt: We didn’t use a black man on “purpose” … We actually dont differentiate black from white from indians etc… We are all the same.
I have no issues with people who are positive. However I am not sure why the blogger is making the assumption that simply because someone chooses not to date a HIV+ person that they are uneducated. Yes a person who is HIV+ and undetectable carries a very low risk somewhere around 4% according to recent studies. But their is still a risk slap on a condom and the risk is almost non existent. With that said we are all free to make our own choices. For me it is no different than the person that says I am only sexually attracted to white guys, or worked out guys, it is all a personal preference and there is no need to shame a someone or call them uneducated or a bigot for their choice. Move on and find someone that will love you for you and stop focusing on the ones that do not like you for you.
I’m glad you posted this. It’s time we know exactly what “undetectable” means. Some guys hear that word and head for the hills; others are simply uneducated and need instruction. Here’s where the positive person needs to take a Neutragena step forward and tell us what it means. Who would know better than one who lives it himself every day?
I would certainly consider dating him if I felt that sort of connection. And because we know his status, I can take steps to protect myself if we choose to be intimate. This is the kind of conversation that NEEDS to happen. Unfortunately, I know of many gay men who are positive and get hyper-defensive if you inquire further, and that does a disservice to all gay men.
I find this article interesting and that fact we still need to have this conversation tells me where we are gay men! There is so much information and resources for us to protect ourselves(whether we are poz or neg), that dating shouldn’t be a big issue. I have been poz for 22 years and I have run into some people who still are not educated on HIV/AIDS. This is where WE have to educate!
@ joey, the risk is not 4% , that was an interim number on HPTN 052, the final number was around 7% in the published study. This is a very misleading number as well. The 7% is composed of people who had not yet reached an undetectable viral load, it takes about 6 months for the med to suppress the virus. When these cohorts were factored out the rate was over 99.9% efficacy for cART (being on meds and undetectable VL) preventing forward transmission. Digging further into the study, there were only 4 cases of forward transmission where the poz guy had been on meds greater than 6 months. All 4 of these were tied to non compliance where the person quit taking their meds and the virus came back.
So what came out of this study is a person who has been on meds, greater than 6 months, remains compliant is sexually non infectious, even when VL blips up to 1 log above undetectable and even with a con current sti. Clearly TasP is extremely effective at preventing forward transmissions
@ Doc in florida…can you please provide ur cites for… “Undetectable” in serum is NOT the same as viable virus not present in semen. And even men who have been undetectable for years can experience treatment breakthrough/failure.
These statements are just not true and are used for fear mongering and create stigma.
I’ve been positive for 16 years, last two being full AIDS. I’ve found that most people are so ignorant unless they have it or it’s a fetish that they’re a waste of time. Harassment is regular if I’m open in profiles, and if I don’t make it the forefront of everything in Grindr guys talk to me like they’re interested just long enough to “find out” from another site and act like I’ve been trying to hide it when they hadn’t even asked. There are regularly disgusting craigslist ads written with my profile pictures and all kinds of wild stories about the sexcapades I’ve supposedly been on that nobody with a job (like me) even has time to accomplish. There are many days since the AIDS diagnosis that I’ve thought my recovery hasn’t been worth the effort.
What adam4adam should do is require everyone claiming to be HIV negative to upload a recent test within the past 6 months, and you will see just how many indeed are hiv ngative.
all you talking about hiv poz people shut the fuck up all you are whores in your own way do not sit here and pretend to be a saint bitch please Educate your self before blogging . their people like you and i cancer kills faster dumb idiots dique i would not date a poz guy child listen any hoot the kids are to much.
I don’t understand this sentence from the article:
“The researchers found that if the positive partners took HIV medications to suppress their viral load (undetectable) the rate of HIV infection for the HIV negative partners was 96% lower if the positive partner was on ARVs. (source: http://www.va.gov/)”
Can somebody explain?
I don’t understand this sentence from the article about HIV medications and ARVs. What is the difference?
Can somebody explain?