Love : More Complicated Than Ever…
Hey guys, I was with a friend yesterday and we talked about love. He said “Wow you’ve been single for 5 years?!” and I answered “Yes, it’s more complicated than before, believe me!”
Even though guys are just a click away, we connect less than before. Do you remember when you had to actually talk to a guy (at a party or in a bar or club), ask for his name and discuss with him before even thinking of bringing him home for a hookup? That doesn’t exist anymore! At least you knew his name and a few elementary things about him. Now?! You don’t even know his name or what he does in life, or if he even lives here, he might just be passing by. And if you’re online to chat, networking, date, you’re almost immediately ignored.
I’m in NYC this weekend and I can say that NYC is the pure example of “meat market”. Some hot guys here, it’s crazy! But if you answer 10 minutes after they messaged you, forget it, they’re gone, already on their knees sucking another cock that answered faster than you. And guess what their profile says? : “looking for dates over hookups”!
Am I alone to think that it is complicated to date in 2015 (2016 soon….)?
Any suggestions? Tips? Maybe if we share our ideas, we’ll all find love ?!
Dave
I don’t think love is any more difficult than it ever was, I just think it’s out of fashion. It’s not viewed as something to be sought after, something desirable. I think free easy access to porn has changed the way two entire generations view being gay. Forget love, it’s difficult to find a fwb who wants to hook up more than once or twice. Everyone seems too busy writing and editing their list of requirements to hookup to even think about the fact that the other half of the hookup is a human being. I am pretty sure if you could manufacture realistic looking programmable sex dolls the majority of gay guys today not only wouldn’t care, they’d be happier. I am personally old school. I would vastly prefer a lover to a hookup. But I realize I occupy an extremely small minority that is on the verge of extinction. Honestly, I don’t even think of myself as gay anymore. Largely because the behavior and values of the gay community today is so very far from my own.
It is not more complicated now. All you have to do is turn off the computer, leave the phone in your pocket and venture out into the actual world.
I’d agree with the dating scene has changed but again so has social interaction of any kind. Being in public watching people who are “together” you’ll notice most are so absorbed by their cell phones that conversation between people has become almost nonexistant. Sad to see.
Although the oppportunity to hookup is easier via online messaging, I find that for me it rarely goes beyond that one time. There’s no real chance to “connect” with them other than sex. Where as if we’d have met and chatted first there may have been the potential for more.
I did meet someone through Adam and the spark when we met was instantly there. We both knew it was more than a hookup the moment we kissed, it was that intense. Never thought it would happen to me and took me by surprise as I wasn’t looking for it at the time. It’s still a work in progress due to distance between us being a big factor. We are trying though because we both feel it’s worth the struggle and we’re not willing to give up on it or each other.
So what I’m saying is although meeting someone online isn’t an ideal way to get aquainted, don’t dismiss it, as it’s just another avenue to find what that person you are looking for. Love pops up anywhere when you least expect it, as was the case for me.
Nah you’re probably just complicated and guys can read your desperation
Patrick, I just dont like to fuck with random people everyday, i need stability, good for u if u can fuck with everybody, I can’t.
Well, it seems more like we have a problem as a community more than we want to admit. The world of fast food, fast phones and fast hookups has created a generation of gay men that think that the perfect man is a screen swipe from being yours. There is a new era of shame and isolation coming to us as gay men. Pride had become a thing of the past as more of us than ever choose to hide in the shadows and live secret lives since before the time when being gay was more acceptable. This is a new low for a community that needs to be being seen and heard for real social progress to be made.
We treat each other like we don’t even care that others exist. Gay men are often marginalized as nothing but sex obsessed, half-naked, play toys. We have learned to treat the person on the other end of a profile like a sex machine, whose only purpose is to fulfill our selfish desires and has no identity outside of it. And, if you portray that you are more than that you can be written off easily.
We need to put the respect back in our community by making gay men HUMAN again. This trend of treating others like meat is unhealthy and leads to all of us having a worse time than our predecessors and losing out on life’s opportunities. I’ve missed out on people that I might have had a great relationship or even a friendship with, simply because to them I wasn’t even a person anymore, I wasn’t even worthy of respect because I wasn’t real.
Before you do something rude to someone online ask: Could I treat someone like this to their face?
Im finding it easier to expand a str8 guys range of sexuality than dealing with a fucking shopping list of requirements. Guys are basically simple, give them a beer,suck their dick when they hit the door after work. Every guy likes a compliment, most bitches will not give them any. A hi and a smile works wonders on many a str8 guy,without a checklist from hell.
I believe as long as guys are having easy sex with just about anyone they lay eyes on, for most of us, long lasting lover relationships will always take a back seat. I know with my ex, who is way more out going then I was, had no problem hooking up, and when single, could poor on the charm and didn’t seem to have a problem finding love else where, at least that is how I see it on my side of the fence. I have had fb’s through the years, which was great, but still a lot of time
to be lonely otherwise.
I agree with einathens well said bud that’s what the main problem is the Damn cell phones I was in a relationship I dumped him because his version of spending time together was me watching stuck in his phone the whole day I would just like to see one full week no phones see if people still know how to go without
With social media taking over our lives I have local friend who live a mile away who have gone from hangout let’s have dinner and hung out friends to just “facebook, read my post” friends. It’s hard enough to have friends let alone a love. We have become so isolated we don’t have social skills anymore with out a blue light screen in front of us. Secondly with the advancement of equal marriage equality, there’s no more to work toward. Looking at our straight counterparts, we can see that they are putting off marriage and children until they are well into their thirties even forties. We can’t blame porn for our problems, legitimate dating sites like adam, plenty of fish, gay.com etc. Have been labeled as hookup sites. Yes there are people looking for a casual encounter, but there is a percentage that are really trying to connect, but give up because it’s a fruitless endeavor. Now let’s talk about the long lists of dos and donts that are listed on these damn profiles. I understand you have a licence to be more choosey on a website, but to complete count out a group of people because of your wish list completely erasing the chance to meet some interesting people and possibly connect with them.
“Men” and “love” are mutually exclusive terms. I had to learn the hard way.
I think just going out and meeting other guys is a good way of finding that one love of your life. The more you hookup with, the more guys you are meeting and really getting to know. That next one you hookup with might be the one. If you stay home, you will never meet him.
Single for 5 years ?
bwahaha , that’s a blink in the eye of god. Wait ’till you get to be my age .
Love? What’s that?! Can you Skype me some? What if you cyber it to me or can you just phone it to me??? That’s the writing that’s on the wall. IF love is NOT easy for str8 couples, what makes you think that it will be a cake walk for gay guys? Love has always existed in spite of “them” or “us”. Modern technology has simply just made it easier to ignore, or block, or say “Next” when Mr. Perfect does not meet our demanding laundry list or selfish attitudes.
Gay men have a cultural history of building friendship networks via sex. It’s nothing new. I recommend taking a day or two to read ‘another mother tongue’ for context. These new complaints aren’t.
Guys are just as easy as we ever were (if anything, we’re less so since gaining marriage equality). Some of us have always wanted love, some of us haven’t. I notice enough “no hookups” profiles now to hardly bother anymore. I miss when we were sluttier.
That said, yeah NYC is too much, but it’s that way in every aspect. I’m good with a handful of day trips a year and maybe an overnight here and there. If you want something even close to real (and hookups can easily count got this) try just about anywhere else. 🙂
I believe that true love can and does between two men. Several of my friends have been with their spouses for more than ten years. It takes both guys to want to be with each other; a monagomus relationship. The commitment takes work and both men must want to keep the bromance alive. Yes, love does exist. Maybe I’m a hopeless romantic, but that’s how I want to live.
Times are different. When I was young, most gays I knew were couples. Buying homes, building lives and businesses together. If they were single, they were actively looking for partners. Now most gays I know are single.
It isn’t just a “gay” thing. “Hook-ups” in the straight world are nearly as common…men and women…just better hidden when they are married.
The culture has become hedonistic and self-centered. Commodification of people has become a cultural norm. It’s a cultural thing, not a gay thing.
I saw a rapid change towards that beginning in the late 80’s…society switched over to being a “me” society rather than a “we” society. That’s become reflected on a personal as well as a societal level.
Is is psychologically and emotionally healthy? Most shrinks will say no. Incarceration, suicide rates and the popping of pills, prescribed or illegal in the U.S. seems to indicate they’re correct.
Human being are wired for intimate, loving contact. Withhold it from a baby, and it will die even if all of their other physical needs are supplied. The best remedy for anxiety or depression is hugs and cuddles from someone you love and who loves you….and that’s a psychological fact learned by any psych student.
Love is not complicated, Love is not something you look for it
happens naturally. You will find the right guy when you are at least looking for them. You don’t go looking for Love, Love finds you!!!!! So be your self and have fun with it. When you’re lest expecting. Watchout!!!!!!!!
Believe it or not some guys would really like to have some love in their lives. It takes time and as you get older you do want that someone that you can go to and discuss just about anything as well as enjoy good times out of bed. Some guys just want to screw every guy on the planet. I met someone 7 or so years ago and we had a good run for about a year and a half. He sent a text message to cut things off but always kept in sending me messages. Well now we have been seeing each other again for about 3 years and travel together and do a lot of things and also great sex. I think he still is doing other things but he manages to spend time with me. We do things at least once a week and at time spend a few days together when out time permits. So love is not something that is dead, I think we have to re-evaluate what it is to us individually.
Before I used a site like this I had a much healthier circle of friends. That was back in 2006/2007. I told myself I would never join a website like this because it wasn’t good enough for me.
But then I started socializing less with my friends and became a mental train wreck and eventually started signing up for gay guy sites to meet(there wasn’t actually any real meeting.) and chat with others. I didn’t like the majority of the people I saw. I knew the majority of them were ‘less than’ what I deserved in my head. But there were glimpses of people who looked like my type. They were usually fakes but occasionally they didn’t look so fake and I just wanted to get to know them beyond their portrait.. It never happens.
Fast forward to today and I’ve tried other websites and have extended my hand forward a few times. There’s a lot of great guys all around the globe but there’s just none here.
For whatever reason it’s easier to meet a bicurious guy out in the city then it is to meet someone here on the internet.
Love is not complicated it’s the person who fight against being committed, because if was never shown at home like your parents or brothers and sisters you’re not going to see or feel knowing it’s in front of your face. Physically anyone can fuck, but do they know how to Nurture a relationship but first you got to start as a friendship mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Communication is a most important Component without it that’s when it becomes complicated.
Byzmonk got it right. I have no time for horny hedonists…go jerk yourself a soda, guys. I really don’t have much use for anyone under 50 either, for this very reason. That’s why I’m married to a woman. Fuck these egocentric younger guys. Fun now and then, that’s about it…other than in that context, they’re fully disposable.
I agree with this blog. A man is clicks away for sex, but if you want to get attached, it’s all uphill. I like when guys online want to chat. It’s not all bad. You can put your preferences online, describe yourself and the man you’re looking for. If I’m disqualified, at least I know early on. The key is honesty from both men. I’m single and loving it. I tried two LTRs, they both ended badly. I met the last lover online. It still ended badly.
I’ve come to the conclusion that sex is easy to find. True love is not. If I die without a husband, that’s ok with me. I showed love, bought flowers, cooked many men dinner, taken time off work to be with him. I still got burned. I’d rather be alone than unhappy. Masturbation has been part of many nights alone. I have fwbs also but I know it’s still sexual. I’m ok with that.
I’m hard to love. I understand. I need a strong man, not just any man will do.
Best suggestion..
Abandon all hope of this illusive concept one calls “love”.. It doesn’t exist and hasn’t for a long time.. In my view, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being single, in fact i prefer it & find it much easier that way.
You don’t have to worry or be bothered with another’s drama, baggage, lies, games, mistrust, and the list continues. I have enough stress and headaches in my life as it is and I certainly don’t need to be bothered or annoyed with the idea of trying to “find love” and “love someone” when I know damn well that it will not work out..
Best of luck to those of you chasing that evading dream called “love”. Perhaps you too, will realize that there is no such thing.
Unfortunately most gay men a sluts , the more hookups the better they think they feel ,, where I live long term relationships barely exits and most that do one or both are hookingup outside of their relationship ! Their is no sense of pride or class anymore , it appears everyone has gone back to let fuck ,, ok laters
The younger generation or millenials didn’t watch 1000s suffer and die from a major epidemic ,, & 95% of those are complete narcissistic anyhow ,,
Love it exits somewhere … But it’s far over any rainbow that I can see !
I am happy with my life and love myself ,, keep the hookups I’d rather jack off … It’s disheartening to witness the change that has happened ,, shit even if you go to a gay club 89% of the guys are cruising in Grindr or some app and will even message you rather than say hey
Love is still there but some of it’s methods are “old school” I’m 27 and only have had 4 boy friend since high school. The gay bars are closing up because there more acceptance of gays. And yes it is easier for hook up and meet ups with our social acts. But time is still the factor age is too and being truthful. I won’t look at any one who message is “hey wanna hook up??” Or the dreaded “party at blank hotel bring supplies” (same guys same hotel same everything) I just try to find someone who intrested in the same things I am and still cruise publicly ( you’ll be surprise how many guys flirt back) to beat the social app blues
You guys are funny, but try being a guy who only like fems and transgenders. Gays only want sex, intimacy scares the hell out of them. Give me the type who wants hugging, cuddling, spooning, kissing ect and I’m good even if we’re not fucking. Wait on a relationship if that’s what you want.Don’t sell yourself short and settle… being single won’t kill you but messing with creep could.
Love hasnt gotten more complicated. Its the way gay society views love ( with a mega list of naive requirements ) friends ( If you arent fuckable then why should i be your friend ) sex ( has become the ultimate cheap trade ) and life ( its all about me and if you arent from planet lookatme then youre scum ) its the community thats lost its way. Sex has become too easy and the foundation that too many of us base relationships upon.
Well guys there is still such a thing as true love. I found my man on this very website. A year later and we are still very much in love and will continue to be. Just keep on looking and never give up. Yeah there will be some frogs but your prince is out there. I found myself a king
For me it is difficult to say the least. I am an older guy that got married when I was young. Things were different then. She got pregnant, and back then you got married. I am now at a stage in my life were the kids are gone along with the romance and sex. We both feel stuck in our marriage. I was seeing a guy that I liked alot and I think it was the same for him. But with me being married we were just friends with benefits. I stayed away for awhile (a year), and then I decided I was going to end my marriage, and go to him. To my surprise he had meet another guy, and things seem to be going good for both of them. In no way will I step in between the guys, that would just not be right. I hope they have a great relationship, but now I am out in the cold. I just have to wait to see if there is another Mr. right for me. There is alot more to this story, but that would turn this into a book.
Conquistador: Sometimes the baggage is part of the charm. Depends on what it is. Weed out drama queens and liars before you get involved. It’s called dating….getting to know someone.
Some people can love another….some can’t. When people commodify one another, then “love” looks no different than loving a new car….as long as it functions the way YOU want it to…until a new, fancier model makes its appearance. Then one dumps the older model, and “falls in love” with the newer one.
Love for a human being isn’t like that. It becomes unconditional….sort of like an emotionally healthy mom or dad with their newborn baby. If as an adult, you’ve never met someone who loves you in that manner…sorry..and you have to be able to do the same.
Weed out the drama queens and liars, and once committed, embrace “flaws” that pop up. They will make their appearance….just as yours will. A person who can’t do that can’t love. Often, those who can’t love blame others for being unloveable. Love is unconditional on both parts. Each has the space to simply be…to exist… and be loved and admired just for being who they are. Nothing like it.
No one will ever, ever match your mind’s pictures of “the perfect mate”. Change the pictures…not the “flaws” if you meet someone you’re compatible with for the 23 1/2 hours spent daily not having sex. Enjoying time together, building a life together, being in the company of your absolutely best friend who learns to totally get and accept you is an amazing experience. Been there, done that.
My partner and I are lucky. Neither one of us has a smart phone. When we go out, we talk to each other. We accept that when we invite others to come along with us they will bring their phones. In a group we sit together with others who will give up their phones for the night. We even announce it. It makes us eccentric. As far as sex and love go, it was just as easy and difficult to find when I was younger. Too many back rooms and sex clubs. I gave up on all that when I had my fill and then I found love. People live longer. Have fun while you can. Love will find you when it’s ready.
I feel connected to people when I’m with them and making special moments and memories.
Whatever I may be working on or going through at any given time, I find an un-ending sense of satisfaction when I continue connecting with others. Sometimes, I even hear what others comment on when having experienced these contacts with each other. I remember these things as being significant and know that I can further pursue them in the time to come.
I know that my parents were introduced to each other by someone who knew each of them and then thought that the two of them, getting to know each other, had a potential to make something significant together. They did. They married each other. They conceived three children. While they lost one to a miscarriage, this did not discourage their relationship. Later, my older sister was born and then followed four years later by my birth. Yeah, they had their struggles that came their way–infidelity, financial problems, two gay children in their Catholic home–but luckily and thankfully, they adjusted and accepted it all.
In being kind, understanding, and forgiving–love is.
Love isn’t complicated at all.
Each is the omnipotent “god” of their own internal universe. If you internally say you like something, you do. If you say you dislike something you dislike it.
If you internally say you love someone, you do. If you say you don’t love someone, you don’t.
Your own internal word is absolute law….for you. If it works for you, retain it. If it doesn’t, change the “law”.
BYZMONK–
You suggest weeding out the drama, liars, cgeaters, queens,etc… if that is the case i might as well give up and cease exploring this side of my sexuality period. It is difficult to weed something out when you are constantly being surrounded by it.. and it’s everywhere no matter where u go, no matter where you look, there it is.. Furthermore, the types u suggested to weed out seems to be a vast majority of the population on this side..
Oh and by the way.. your comment about “bagfage” being part of the charm is quite absurd.. Who in their right mind would want to be surrounded by such a thing..
Blog, it sounds like you’re looking for something in about the least conducive place to find it–where “guys are just a click away”. If you want to get to know something about a guy first… well, that’s what bars are for. If, that is, you can find a gay bar where it’s actually possible to have a conversation. In NYC, where I live, it’s almost impossible. Smartphones and their apps are the logical extension of the short-attention-span, instant-gratification culture in which we live. Exactly why I don’t have one.