Health : How To Disclose Your HIV Status
Before you tell anyone you’re HIV-positive, it’s a good idea to make sure that you’re ready to do so, and that you understand why you want to tell them. Think about what you want in return, and be prepared for a whole range of reactions – good and bad.
Think about when would be the right time to tell someone. Do you feel you need or want to tell someone – is it the right time for you? On the other hand, is it the right time for them? If they’re rushing out of the door, or busy with something else, then it’s probably not the best time. Make sure that they have the time to listen to you and also time to let it sink in.
It may also be a good idea to choose to tell people in surroundings that are familiar and that you feel comfortable with. This may help to keep you calm and relaxed, especially if you are unsure about the reaction you’re going to get.
Remember that you haven’t changed – you’re just giving someone a new piece of information about yourself. Be very clear where you are coming from, and it may help to explain to someone why you are telling them about having HIV. If someone finds what you’re telling them difficult to deal with, it will probably make it easier for them if you give them an idea about what you want them to do with this new information. It may also help you to get the support from people that you need.
For example, you could say:
“I’ve got some news – I’ve been diagnosed with HIV and I’d like some support from you.”
“I’m positive and I’m telling you because you’re important to me.”
“I’m positive and I’m telling you because I’d rather know now if you can’t handle it.”
“I’m HIV-positive and I’d rather you knew that before we had sex.”
It’s important to be clear with whoever you are telling whether or not you want them to keep the news to themselves. If there are people you would like them to talk to, or people you wouldn’t mind them talking to, be clear with them who these people are.
Whatever and whenever you decide to tell someone, if you need some more advice before you do then you can always ask to speak to a health adviser at your clinic, or you could talk to a professional counsellor.
Positive or negative that is the new question since the mid 1980’s. HIV is no longer the death sentence that it was. So many young people don’t know the hell of loss that some of us “older” gay men went through. So the blog is when to tell. I have to say from the point of meeting let your status, and what you do to prevent it. Safe sex, HIV neg on Prep or HIV + undetectable etc. Why sugar coat it. Your status is just a part of you. It shouldn’t define you or say that you are a bad person. If someone knows from the beginning they know where you stand and you know where they stand. Going forward everyone is open and ready. Where ever it goes.
WAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY ahead of you!!!
Remember, unless you were tested anonymously, you are now on a Federal list and will be tracked by your a State or local government, in case someone ever says you had sex with them and never told them. That’s a life felony.
You act like hiv is a big deal. Do u go around with such melodrama about herpes? Once diagnosed just take the pill and get on with life. No reason to tell anyone. It’s a private health matter between u and your physician.
And before the trolls start freaking out about giving some body hiv thru sex. Get current. Its less than 1 in 100,000 chance a guy on meds will give u hiv. And at those odds u don’t deserve to know, sorry.
Below is some information regarding this blog (copied and pasted). It is readily available on the net.
“Many states and some cities have partner-notification laws—meaning that, if you test positive for HIV, you (or your healthcare provider) may be legally obligated to tell your sex or needle-sharing partner(s). In some states, if you are HIV-positive and don’t tell your partner(s), you can be charged with a crime. Some health departments require healthcare providers to report the name of your sex and needle-sharing partner(s) if they know that information—even if you refuse to report that information yourself.”
“State HIV disclosure laws can be classified as either “strict” or “flexible,” according to the 2008 study. Strict laws, such as Ohio’s, require people to disclose their HIV status to sexual partners prior to any type of sexual contact.
Under “strict” HIV disclosure laws, sexual contact includes intercourse, oral sex, and penetration by any object. Conviction usually does not require the emission of semen, or the infection of a victim.
Along with Ohio, laws in Arkansas, Michigan, and New Jersey also fall into the “strict” category, the study found.
Compare those laws with so-called flexible laws regarding HIV disclosure. California’s law is the “least restrictive,” the study found: For perpetrators to be convicted, they must engage in unprotected intercourse and infect their partner with HIV.
Under “flexible” disclosure laws, people who are HIV positive can legally use condoms and perform sex acts other than intercourse, without having to disclose their HIV status.”
Up front very first meeting. The odds are that a hiv undetectable person is more at risk from infection from other partners who have no idea what they are carrying. Treat all partners as if they are carrying something to infect you.
This is an interesting thing because I’m responding on the Adam 4 Adam site. Just saying undetectable has left me with zero interest. It makes me sad that I come clean and others would risk hooking up with someone claiming to be negative.
I really wish people be caring but I found telling made me a leaper.
WOW! Totally delusional, as usual.
How nice that “Better Idea” (which has no such thing) is going to decide for the rest of us what to reveal, when, at his convenience, and, of course, to his advantage. He is, IMHO, a danger to himself, and to everyone he has sex with.
As a gay man of 60, I watched an entire generation of gay men sacrifice themselves at the alter of sexual promiscuity. It was NOT a pretty sight.
Here is the current Reality: We have known – for 20+ years – how HIV and other STD’s are transmitted. For someone to succumb to HIV/AIDS nowadays means they are either willfully ignorant, a drunk, a druggie or a moron. I’m certainly getting VERY tired of writing checks to gay men’s health causes for people who are, apparently, unwilling to help themselves. Or to protect others.
Being HIV is NOT about the disease per se, but ABOUT THE BEHAVIORS the led to infection. Since we have known for 20+ years how this disease is transmitted, I’m not particularly sympathetic to those recently infected. If you want to engage in high risk, unprotected sex with strangers, that is your personal choice. You will get no sympathy for me for irresponsible behavior, the risks of which have been well documented for 20+ years.
For the HIV+ community, I would encourage you to be “up-front” about your status (AS IN THE FIRST CONVERSATION), and the degree to which, if any, your status has changed your behaviors. If you continue to engage in high risk behaviors, that is certainly your choice, but, in my opinion, you are a danger to yourself and to others.
If, on the other hand, your POZ status has engender a 180 degree change in behavior, I can only applaud you and would be open to meeting with you.
Was recently diagnosed. No big deal. I just tell whoever I’m sleeping with and if they accept? Cool. If not? Oh well.
Most tops don’t even give a damn anyway, the chance a top can get it from a bottom is ridiculously low anyway, almost impossible if you’re undetectable. Assuming we’re going to be going bareback. Furthermore, PreP seems to be really popular among tops…I guess tops cannot resist bb sex.
Yet another thoughtless article that downplays the seriousness of such a condition.
To me, they (a partner) only have to know if you are getting really close to someone or if it is going to be a quick hookup. Otherwise, I would not tell family or friends. It’s my problem, my business and I have to deal with it on my own.
@Better Idea = more Millennial BULLSHIT. It IS a “big deal”. You’ve just shaved years off your life, will have those side effects forever, and will never have a “normal” life…a “different” life, yes. And NO…where’d you get that fake 100,000:1 figure, from Gilead, the Big Pharma ripoff who feeds you their pills at MY expense? You are the reason I dont’ fuck around men anymore very much…clueless dullards who think, “Oh no big deal…just take a pill!” (…and watch your liver, your kidneys and your brain turn into rocks.) Go “just take your fucking pill” ELSEWHERE.
I think that first you need to decide if they need to know at all, and why.
Telling someone you hope they’ll be supportive gives them the power to withhold that support. Decide first if you want or need it.
Be prepared for the ignorant to ask you how it happened, and be prepared for their judgment.
I’m of the opinion that unless you’re about to have unprotected sex with them, your serostatus is not anyone’s concern. Unless you wish to disclose it.
I also think that if you’re asked,you should answer honestly. But if you’re not asked, don’t disclose if you don’t want to.
Don’t blurt it out in anger, or to see the reaction, or out of the blue, or when you’re sitting down to holiday dinner.
Since most of us “meet” guys on sites and apps just put your status on your profile. If not comfortable with that just mention it in the 1st 2-3 messages
People need to own up to their status and stop playing the victim role.
IT WAS A CHOICE to have unprotected sex and a consequence of that choice I am HIV + and have been undetectable since starting my treatment exactly 5 years ago on 12/15/2015.
I have ALWAYS been upfront about my status, it was MY choice and mistake.
At the same time, it is not my job to baby sit. If a sexy guy wants to have bb sex with me, it is THEIR choice as i disclosed my status up front.
At the same time I would be making a choice that could result in possibly getting some time of STD.
Those are CHOICES made by two men.
The point of this article is that if you know you’re positive, you should disclose. The problem I have about this is that it doesn’t make anyone safer. HIV is transmitted almost all of the time by people who think they are negative but are actually positive. Disclosure advocacy leads to us thinking that if we asked about someone’s status, we’re being safer. In fact, I think that if we were taught not to disclose, and keep our personal medical information private, we would have higher safe sex compliance rates. We would be dealing with the truth which is, you NEVER know whether the person you’re sleeping with is poz or neg, even if they say neg.
@”Better” Idea – I recommend that all my patients disclose their status. This is public health 101. This is just a fact.
If you don’t disclose, you are part of the problem in more ways than the transmission. It isn’t just a conversation between you and your doctor.
Better idea what are you talking about its no big deal I wish I guy would sleep with me without telling me I’m not going to just report him I will beat him ass!
I agree with Better Idea. I’m negative but you act like it’s a huge deal. Like it’s the worst thing since the plague. My God it’s not the end of the world. How do you tell a love one or someone you have bone cancer as my brother decided to tell us thanksgiving. People have to tell loved ones and friend if they chose to that they have diabetes or heart disease. They have to take pills the rest of their lives to stay alive. I don’t get it. I know poz people who are in excellent shape and taking only one pill a day. They work, they go to the gym, they function like everyone else. Amazing how society managed to make these good folks feel dirty and I think this blog is doing the exact same thing.
As I read the law you do not have to disclose your status unless asked by someone that you intend to have sex with. Individuals that are positive have their rights also. If you come +, suggest that you tell no one not even family members. Remember that you and you alone are responsible for your sexual health. The question that I asked people who tell me that they are + is, did you ask them to give to you. I’ve never heard a yes and aways consider prep as an +. If you are on prep, HIV is your system if u r bb.
Not enough room to leave comments. If you are neg your so proud to tell everyone. If you become poz will you do the same. No one is preaching safe sex only, this is a high risk. Even if your in a ccommitted relationship. Safe sex only. If you have younger family members preach the same. Tell them what to do if no condoms are available. Pharmaceutical companies are banking on those that don’t.
Just for all newly diagnosed, this might make you feel more at ease. I’ve been poz for 18 years also married to my ex that long, and he remains negative. Acquired this junk in 96, started meds in 05. My new fiancee of 2 years still negative and he’s soon to start PreP because he loves me that much. I’ve had flings but ALWAYS told my fb’s I’m poz. Some said get the fuck outta my face (ok bye Felicia) but majority appreciated my honesty and had great sex anyway (especially me on top) and used caution. These fellas also remain neg (as they claim) years after our multiple encounters. Take the chance and disclose it. Some neg fellas would feel safer and it’s up to THEM how they would wanna play then. It’ll free your conscious as well as theirs. Hope this shitty little speech helps. Get tested regularly. Good luck all!
Hi guys! Love u trolls that think I “owe” u disclosure. This isn’t 1995 anymore. U don’t seem to b able to understand science or statistics very well. 1 in 100,000 is the same risk as dying on a commercial airline flight. Yet you jump on the plane without a second thought. This is from 2008, almost 8 years ago now..: “An HIV-infected person on antiretroviral therapy with completely suppressed viraemia (“effective ART”) is not sexually infectious, i.e. cannot transmit HIV through sexual contact.”
It went on to say that this statement was valid as long as:
The person adheres to antiretroviral therapy, the effects of which must be evaluated regularly by the treating physician; and the viral load has been suppressed below the limits of detection (i.e. below 40 copies/ml) for at least six months; and there are no other sexually transmitted infections (STIs).
Subsequent clarification has established the Swiss did not actually mean to state there is zero risk under these circumstances, but that the risk of HIV transmission is within the normal bounds of everyday risks which they estimated to be in the region of 1 in 100,000.
Treatment as prevention is staggeringly effective in preventing HIV — still. Did anyone expect zero HIV transmissions from HPTN 052 participants with virologic suppression? Or from those individuals in the cohort studies of “condomless sex”? I bet somewhere the Swiss are muttering under their breath (in French? German? Italian?), I told you so. Bottom line is that there really is all but zero risk. PAUL E SAX, MD
7 years of studies. Hundreds of thousands of person years of data. Not one transmission, nope not one. Including viral loads one log 10 above undetectable, concurrent STI’S still not one transmission. So I do sleep well at night not telling u my status.
Also did u know estimates are that almost 50% of new infections are from condom failures? There are a lot of poz folks out there who did everything in their power to avoid hiv but got it any way.
In March 2015 the division of hiv aids at the CDC published a paper that put condom efficacy at 70% in preventing HIV transmission.
“Among MSM reporting any anal sex with an HIV-positive male partner, we found 70% effectiveness with reported consistent condom use (compared with never use) and no significant protection when comparing sometimes use to never use. These estimates are useful for counseling efforts and for modeling the impact and comparative effectiveness of condoms and other prevention methods used by MSM.” 1
1 Condom effectiveness for HIV prevention by consistency of use among men who have sex with men in the United States.
Smith DK1, Herbst JH, Zhang X, Rose CE.
Division of HIV/AIDS Prevention, NCHHSTP, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Atlanta, GA.
@ROB unless u are a tea partier u should know hiv criminalization laws are counterproductive.
“Legal standards applied in HIV criminalization cases regarding intent, harm, and proportionality deviate from generally accepted criminal law principles and reflect stigma toward HIV and HIV-positive individuals…Punishments imposed for non-disclosure of HIV status, exposure, or HIV transmission are grossly out of proportion to the actual harm inflicted and reinforce the fear and stigma associated with HIV. Public health leaders and global policy makers agree that HIV criminalization is unjust, bad public health policy and is fueling the epidemic rather than reducing it.”
Per CDC and Presidents council on health
First, i’d like to respond to a couple of comments.
@Matt: HIV is given to you by another person and can be transmitted. Cancer, Diabetes and heart disease are self contained issues. Last time I checked I didn’t have to tell anyone I have cancer or diabetes because they can NEVER catch them from me. Unlike a certain life ruining virus.
@Better Idea: Seriously?? People like you make me glad I live in Michigan, where people that are stupid and dangerous with your bad attitude can be thrown in jail for infecting others with your reckless behavior. Just take a pill? Talk about buying what big pharma is selling. You’ll get your lesson in life soon enough when your health slips away….
I respect older guys that know better than to take such risks because they saw the god awful deaths their friends and lovers. They saw first hand what has been whitewashed out of the dialogue about HIV over the years, slow horrible deaths.
We need to go to laws that make disclosure necessary! I want to know that if someone lies about status and infects others, they will pay for it. If people don’t naturally want to tell the truth in my experience, we have to force them to with the threat of punishment (You know, because todays new generation of adults are childish and can’t admit and rectify mistakes at all, so just have the system correct it).
Aren’t you people embarrassed to write such knee jerk, ill-informed, scientifically unsupported comments? Can u back up any of your hysterical neurotic comments with factual support?
ALEX, My health is indeed slipping away…at the same rate and just like my neg brethren. Acellerated aging of Poz isnt supported by latest research. Life expectancy actually now longer in healthy lifestyle poz guys due to early detection of diseases by quarterly or semi annual full physicals and lab work. The new meds have less side effects than a vitamin. Controlled HIV is a benign chronis disease and has almost zero effect on one’s health. A pill a day keeps the virus at bay!!
Also times i ask this: is there ANY questions you have for me before we f**k around? No. Are you sure???? Yes. Case closed and no need to disclose anything if your partner doesn’t ask. it’s a possible mutual thing in my head – he’s probly infected too.
Reading all the (extreme) reactions/comments to the blog, made me think, we as LGBT community has a lot of studying to do about HIV to open our hearts & minds. Perhaps the extreme reactions might be generational gap, people mature enough to live during the 80’s, who saw many die from HIV/AIDS, see this matter with more passion (possibly might have more fear/hate about HIV) like Hitekjock3 comment, than generation who are part of the generation Y or the millennials. Until we find some sort of equilibrium between generations, unfortunately & sad to say the stigma continues.
I believe that HIV and STD infection will continue, because dangerous sex acts like barebacking, cum swallowing are like fetishes to stay. Fetishes are like addiction that is very hard to get rid off. No amount of condom in front of a person (who’s into/loves bareback sex) would make that person wear one. The only thing I could hope for is for scientists/virologists finally have the balls to come out with a cure & not be dragged into big pharmaceutical companies greed. Or perhaps finally give Dr. Peter Duesberg point of view about HIV, a chance to be heard. Lastly, Brilliant Idea, I tend to agree with your factual claims.
“Better Idea” aka “Brilliant Idea” exhibits one symptom of HIV infection, regardless if “undetectable” or not…cognitive dysfunction in the brain. Yes, that’s a real side effect of being poz, and he exhibits it by the TON. Ask any clinician in ID….HIV CAUSES BRAIN DYSFUNCTION. And there we have the proof with Mr. “Not-so-great an Idea.” He’ll go down soon enough; I’m seeing end stage HIV cases starting to go treatment-resistant all the time now. TAKE CARE OF YOU FIRST…FUCK THESE POZ ASSHOLES LIKE MR. IDEA…they’ll tell you ANYTHING in order for you to “join the club.” That’s been going on since the ’80s…”Oooh, it’s LIBERATING!” Such bullshit….
Everything up front no matter what it is. I tell guys tell me and I mean tell me. Don’t let me find out things later on cause I won’t like it I won’t be a happy boy.
MistrFistr. You seem to have a lot of anger issues around HIV. Have you considered seeing a therapist? You are ranting, resorting to ad homein attacks, and frankly not making very much sense. For a neg guy you seem way too interested in something that doesn’t really effect you.
I think you are referring to HAND (Hiv Associated Neurological Disorder) when you speak of brain dysfunction. Studies, ONE of which I am in, find it is mainly the result of the comorbidites not hiv in and of it self. Things like smoking, heavy drinking, recreational drug use, lack of exercise and poor diet. Take care of yourself and HIV is no big deal. Ignore it and don’t take care of yourself it will fuck u up LOL
Wow…and this vitriol comes from the gay “community”? I can only imagine the hatred and stigma people with Aids face in the hetronormative world!
I looked up some of Brilliant Ideas claims and they seem to be accurate. Perhaps HIV has changed and we are the ones stuck with outdated beliefs. It doesn’t make me comfortable but based on these comments I can see why people don’t want to tell anyone they are positive.
LOL! @ Brilliant. Side effects of a vitamin? You must be a sham cover for a drug rep. No prescription drug has that few side effects. My friends have had weight loss, liver issues and kidney problems from their new meds.
Couldn’t help but notice that you had NOTHING to say about my disclosure ideas, which were the main focus of the article and my comment. I still think people like you should be in jail for risking the lives of others for your selfishness, we all have a social responsibility to take care of each other. If that means admitting you made a life mistake and need to warn partners you may be a “Typhoid Mary” then so be it. Maybe if more gay men were capable of telling the truth we wouldn’t be knee deep in this mess.
Alex,
Obviously you are not very intelligent and closed minded. U have ignored all the peer reviewed science I have provided for you here. Let my put in all CAPS for u.
UNDETECTABLE = SEXUALLY NON INFECTIOUS
MY STATUS IS NON OF YOUR BUSINESS.
Is that clear enough for you?
Normal and kool
Just here to meet kool ppl and see where it goes
Interesting site to be on
I think for a hook up it is none of his business. As other posters have said if you are taking your med going to doctor appointments you should be okay.
i have been looking for a serious
and loyal man who is willing to
share his life with me marry me im
not after hook ups, night outs
because i look for real and long
term relationship which may lead to
marriage thanks for reading god
bless you !!!
Funny how the “no big deal” folks have a position backed by actual numbers, facts, science, data, studies and statistics while the “pox are lepers, stigma forever” crowd has no coherent arguments except fear, hate, and hysterical ranting and raving. Sorry, but several years of scientific study that are ongoing and involve hundreds of thousands of sex acts clearly indicate that undetectable guys pose no transmission risk — and that you are far more likely to get HIV from someone who tells you he’s neg and is either lying or mistaken.
Sorry this is so hard for some to accept that they have to yell, scream, and stamp their feet and stay stuck forever in an 80s time warp, but that doesn’t mean the rest of us should give in to their fearmongering. It’s always hard for bigots to give up their bigotry. Damn the numbers, they just KNOW medication-compliant guys with HIV are dangerous and dirty and no amount of science will change their minds.
These people should be ignored. It has nothing to do with a generation gap. Stupid bigotry is stupid bigotry — at any age.
@Dude…thank you! It is really hard sometimes to b what seems to b the sole person fighting for what’s right against this entrenched bias and bigotry.
People need to understand that a undetectable guy who is compliant has a right to privacy and if that means keeping his status from u then so be it!
I think you are wrong to frame it in self-centered terms. It is an obligation and responsibility to warn anyone who might have contact with your body fluids. If you don’t, you may be breaking the law. Same with transgendereds, you have an obligation and responsibility to explain what/who you are to potential dates, really, anyone. If you have certain expectations, you need to state them, don’t be passive/agressive about it.
One needs to be considerate when interacting with others. If you are centered, you may do so and handle their reactions by saying how that makes you feel.
Baronz…what am I warning these people about? A non existent existential threat?
Brilliant Idea — what’s your Adam screen name? Let’s get in touch.
I feel there’s no reason to tell everyone you come in contact with. I tell the man if there’s talking of dating or sexual encounter. That way if he wants to continue, he know. That ball is in he’s court.