Health : When To Disclose Your HIV-Positive Status On A Date
Written by Tyler Curry – Editor at HIVequal.org
As I enter my 30s, I’ve noticed that getting older has its perks. Department store salesmen no longer roll their eyes when I ask to be fitted for a new suit, I no longer feel the need to sleep until just before the sun starts to set, and my car insurance company no longer hates me. It would seem that this so-called “midlife” isn’t so bad after all. That is, unless you are single. Single, and you are about to go on the dreaded first date. Single, dreaded first date, and you have to find a way to casually disclose that you are HIV-positive. Now, I still don’t believe getting older is all that bad, but it is definitely a hell of a lot more complicated.
Over the past several months I have been grappling with the question of just when is the right time to disclose my HIV status. This has led to many hypotheticals posed over bottles of wine with friends, both positive and negative. Several of my friends say that the cliché third date is most appropriate. Assuming sex is still off the table, this is the point at which both parties have had enough time to get to know one another for who they are, not what disease they are carrying. The danger of the “third date rule” is that it allows for feelings to develop, albeit little baby ones. Disclosing your status once a semblance of trust has formed is like placing a loaded gun in front of a person and asking them not to shoot you with it. I don’t know about you, but I am still reeling from the shotgun that tried to take me down when I found out about my status.
Now I prefer to hedge my bets and avoid the firing range as much as possible.
A person who is opposed to dating you because of your HIV-positive status will not be swayed by your charm, your smile, or your fancy words. It is not that they think a person who is positive has a fundamental character flaw that makes them pull the trigger. As tough as this may sound, two dates and some heavy petting is not the panacea to remove the cloud of fear and allow him to see you for all you have to offer. Frankly, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. A person who rejects a possible love interest because of their HIV-positive status is terrified of many things. They are terrified of being subject to the stigma that they themselves are perpetuating. They are afraid of contracting the disease through something as harmless as kissing, because their fear outweighs their logic. Mostly, they just want to avoid the reality of the virus, because it means facing the question marks that they so easily assume are negative signs.
Now, this is not to say that a gay man doesn’t have every right to choose whether he will or will not engage in a relationship with someone who is positive. Quite the opposite, in fact, as I believe in divulging my status before I even agree to the first date. I am not invested before the first date. I haven’t begun to scribble their name on my desk pad, incessantly stalk their Facebook wall and wonder if the feelings are mutual. In fact, revealing my status before a first date spares both parties’ feelings and satisfies both of our choices. I choose not to have to sit across the dinner table from some scaredy-cat ignoramus who would potentially miss out on a good thing because I am positive.
Being diagnosed with HIV can be a critical blow to a person’s sense of self-worth. We lie awake at night and pine over whether or not our next potential boyfriend might be a “never-was” because of an outdated perception of what it means to be HIV-positive. In the light of day, we pop our little pill and we are still left to lead the rest of our long lives dodging bullets. It is my firm belief that immediate disclosure is the best way to avoid a shot in the back.
It has been my experience that disclosing my status in the beginning has typically been met with an appreciation for honesty and a first order of drinks. Dating is still a crapshoot and being HIV-positive adds a new level of doubt, no matter how you approach the situation. But being up front is the best way, for me at least, to preserve my dignity while I battle it out in the trenches of singledom.
Truthfully, it is your choice to decide when to disclose as long as you do, in fact, disclose. What is important is that you recognize your value regardless of your potential partner’s hang-ups and insecurities. Those of us living with HIV face plenty of challenges already.
There is no need for us to go around painting targets on our chests.
I would like to know around 2nd 3rd date but wouldn’t want the guy to worry. Negative or positive isn’t important if you are taking care of yourself.
I don’t play the hookup site game anymore, since most poz guys on here, especially if they’re under 40, will lie to me about their status anyway, and when I do find out (there are ways, trust me) it can get very testy very fast. The appropriate time to inform a potential partner is RIGHT AWAY. That gives him the option of backing off before things get entangled and messy. Someone who hides it from me until a “third date” obviously is stringing me along, and I don’t appreciate that at all. NOT that I “date” per se anymore…haven’t for many years, as I’ve found gay men to be interesting friends, but lousy love interests. But be up front. Don’t play games. Neg guys who demand to stay neg and aren’t into the whole bullshit game of “safe this ‘n that” don’t like being played. Yeah, I’ve played with poz guys, and it’s nerve wracking, so count me out as being “poz-friendly,” because obviously, I’m not. Why? If I gave you list of gay/bi friends who decided to play the “poz-friendly” routine who eventually wound up pozzed up themselves, you’d probably change YOUR mind, too. No one…and I mean NO ONE…is going to put my health at risk for a little instant gratification…period. If they do, there WILL be consequences…harsh ones. All the bullshit about Charlie Sheen that made the news a few days about proves me right yet again.
wait… guys have three dates now??? what alternative reality does this occur in????
I prefer to know the HIV status and safe sex preferences within the 1st 2-3 messages. I am not poz friendly or openmimded about this and I don’t wanna waste my or the guy time. While I know many lie on here about the HIV status and I only play safe I still ask these questions. And not to sound creepy but being healthcare provider i will open your medicine cabinet and check signs and symptoms. And since the “undetectable” and prep is very common I am sure I am a minority who cares about HIV status or atleast that is how it feels SF and NYC bicoastal here.
It is just a shame that this disease has caused so much carnage. I can understand an older guy not being poz friendly because they saw so many of their friends and lovers die. It’s hard to forget them, and how they suffered. I think respect is in order here as well as choices. Poz or not you need to be respected. We all have to make choices in life and it is your choice whether you are poz or neg to be accepted. Dating I think you should be up front before the first date. Is there anything wrong with having a relationship that doesn’t involve anal sex?
I agree with the author. Before any action that could lead to vloseness, disclosure is necessary. On this site, if I chat with anyone casually, it is moot. If we have any chance of eventually meeting, since interest could turn sexual, I disclose. If it is someone I do not feel comfortable enough to consider meeting, I won’t feel the need or wisdom of disclosing. As to the direct and blunt comments of Mistr Fistr, I’m glad he’s forthright. I am concerned that he associates poz-friendly with inevitable infection. It is possible that people weren’t on meds, but for those who are, and who faithfully take them, and who consistently assay an undetectable viral load, it is doubtful, in my mind, that these were the source of infection. More often than not, someone who did not know he was infected, or someone who knew and lied, was the source of that seroconversion. If they could dna test the strains, they likely would find this to be true. But that comment only confirms the wisdom of early, preemptive disclosure. There are still people who equate poz (still including medicated with undetectable viral loads) with “full-blown AIDS”. That emotionally charged misconception is more virulent than the pathogen itself. Until that changes, for anyone who needs to be told, is best told without delay.
Interesting topic. I’m neg, but I am poz-friendly. I have had a bf who was poz, and fuckbuds who were poz. Now, if we are talking hookups, then I think status should be disclosed immediately, but if we are talking dates… I don’t think it should be disclosed any later than the second date.
I wouldn’t reject someone over their status, but I do think it is important information to have. Some people DO think being poz is a dealbreaker (which is their right), so going beyond a second date would be stringing them along. Same as revealing any other major character trait! I wouldn’t want to wait beyond the second date to find out my date is a smoker!
Well, honestly I found that it is very helpful to annouce your status upfront. It gives you an insight weather you should put in the time with the person or not. Sharing your status on 3rd date is very risky. I mean ask yourself this what if you shared you status on the 3rd date and you realize that the guy doesnt accept your status, how would you feel about that?
I now always ask a person I’m interested in
or vice versa if they have, or have ever had an STD.
I understand how some folks would be put off
by such a foward query so soon into a conversation.
At the same time, i don’t see the appeal of waiting
until the mythical “third date” to find out about
their STD status. HIV or otherwise.
Do same sex oriented men even date anymore.
In my distant past, i fucked around with some guys
who were HIV positive. One of them was upfront about
it, the other was not. I figured out his status by
seeing his meds atop his bed stand table.
I’d guess there were some other guys i played with
that may have or may have not been HIV Positive.
That seems like a lifetime ago.
From this point on i ask within the first conversation.
If that turns them off, we aren’t a good match.
Frankly I don’t think it is any of your fucking business! We are quickly moving to a point where we can prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that a compliant undetectable poz guy is sexually non infectious. It is a private matter between the doctor and patient. Better get used to it all u neurotic Nellys. About time you took responsibility for your own sexual health instead of relying on others. Use condoms or get on prep. Put the fun back in sex and control your neurotic fears of catching something that is impossible to catch!!
I know it’s easier said than done but I think it needs to be brought to the light of day. I would certainly would like to be told up front. Get it out and over with.
If it is just really a date and companionship – when it comes up. If it is a “hook up” or just a sexual encounter – right away.
I am 45 and positive, healthy and undetectable. I am open and honest about my status at the beginning of an engagement, date or etc. I think what concerns me most is I see our community somewhat segregated based on HIV status and acceptance – POZ vs NEG. perhaps because I am now residing in the Midwest after a long time living in South Florida and a short time in San Francisco. Any thoughts guys?
before we even exchange phone numbers status is exchanged. i dont want any new worries from him and he needs an honest upfront start. if he has a poz status it clears the air way sooner.
Stay single and forget all about meeting Mr Right now or Mr Right forever. You’ll never have to discuss your HIV POSITIVE status to anyone.
I’d like to know by the 2nd date. I mean if you are putting the effort into seeing each other again. Clearly there in a common interest. I think your hiv status should be disclosed after the second meet up. If you’re going on multiple dates with someone and you’ve yet to disclose your status, be forewarned that those feeling you two have developed can blow up in your face. Just man up. If that person isn’t ok with you being hiv positive it isn’t the end of the world. Ignorance gets the best of everyone.
I’d like to add that it’s complete shady b.s. for anyone with hiv who dates and is ok with a casual hook up during their dating without disclosing your status. Its completely irresponsible. I’ve been put into this situation before. I really liked the guy. We hit it off right away. On the fourth date we fooled around a but. Come to find out after thru a mutual friend that he was hiv positive. I was pretty upset. Not because of his status but because he wasn’t open with it. I felt lied to. I except blame for not asking ahead of time, but there is no excuse for not disclosing to someone if your about to engage in any sexual act.
30?! Midlife?! hahahahahahah
keep on livin’
I honestly think the answer varies with each situation. I am neg but have honestly never understood why the onus is on the positive person to disclose at all. I think every individual should be responsible for his own health. As much as i find many of MistrFistr’s opinions repugnant, I give the man credit for the fact he is totally owning responsibility for his own health and safety. From the time I first came out I have always assumed every one I sleep with is positive and take action accordingly. Have I ever had unsafe sex? Yes. But if I ever get infected, short of being raped, it will be my responsibility. I will have chosen to engage in a behavior knowing the potential consequences. I admire and respect poz guys who are upfront and open about their status, but I don’t think they should be required to disclose. As an adult, I am solely responsible for my decisions. Every other adult should be as well. Aside from every other consideration, it is a very well documented fact that the majority of infections occur soon after an individual is infected when the viral load is highest and before the individual knows they are poz. Forcing poz guys to disclose just reinforces the stigma and discourages people from getting tested and on meds. It is a completely backward law.
When it comes to disclosure of status I disclose immediately and it’s listed on my profile. I don’t believe in beating around the bush with something like that. Personally it does not define who I am. If it bothers someone so be it.
For those who are properly educated on the matter usually do not have an issue, their only concern is do I take my medication regularly to keep the virus under control.
Everyone has the right to be with whom they choose, but for someone to say they will never get with anyone who is Positive might as well shoot themselves in the foot. Let’s face it people will lie to get laid and to avoid rejection plain and simple. Eventually all lies start to unravel and all credibility and trust is forever lost.
There are so many people still who are positive and lose their sense of value and worth and feel dirty and shameful which is awful. Everyone needs to be educated about HIV because there is no cure so it needs to be discussed. Some people trust what they are told to ease their own state of mind. How many times do you come across a profile that states they are disease/HIV free with a date behind it…. REALLY. Anyone can make up a BS date and people run with it and they may have not been tested in years if ever at all.
Protect yourself with knowledge and good judgement in your choices.
I can’t believe we are still having this conversation.
As a gay man of almost 60, I watched an entire generation of gay men die horribly, in great pain and under humiliating circumstances…all in defense of their right to engage in behaviors that ultimately led to infection, illness and death.
We have apparently learned very little since.
We have now known for 20 years how HIV is transmitted. It requires a few simple steps. For someone to be infected with HIV today – or with any of the growing list of STD’s that circulate freely in Gayworld – Herpes, Hepatitis, HPV, Gonorrhea, Syphillis…etc, – means that individual has been either careless, reckless, is a drunk, a druggie or a moron. Or just doesn’t care. About himself. And certainly not about you.
Actions have consequences, and if you are Poz/STD+, you should “own” the consequences of your behaviors. And be up front about it. From the beginning. Not at the 3rd date.
As someone who works with high-risk youth, it has been my sad experience to learn that once diagnosed with an STD, upwards of 40 % of gay men continue to engage in high-risk sexual encounters. With the advent of PreP, that means reduced infection rates for HIV (that is a GOOD thing), but SKYROCKETING rates for every other kind of STD. While Gonorrhea and Syphilis are still curable (there are now , however, drug resistant strains of both, so “Good Luck” with that), Herpes and Hepatitis are FOREVER.
In the end, that’s where we are now. In spite of 20+ years of education, Gayworld seems to be a never-ending loop of inter-related behaviors that perpetrate and extend the consequences of someone’s reckless behavior – knowingly or unknowingly – to others.
So, you are absolutely correct that that people tend to avoid gay men who are Poz/STD+. And they do so for very good reason. It is not about their “uneducated” or “unenlightened” attitude at all. It is about YOU, and the behavior(s) you engaged in which led to your infection…and whether those behaviors still define you (and are therefore likely to infect me), or whether they are a thing of the past.
While it is true there are people who were inadvertently infected through blood transfusions and other rare circumstances, the vast majority of gay men are infected for a few simple reasons; they engaged in high risk sex with strangers, they didn’t wear a condom, or the condom they wore broke…sometimes all three.
It not the specific disease that is the issue…its whether you continue to exhibit the cluster of behaviors – abuse of drugs, alcohol and high-risk hookups with strangers – that lead to your infection, and are therefore a continuing risk to others. People are not stupid. They are cautious for very good reasons.
Is anyone REALLY surprised that Charlie Sheen is Poz??? Of course not. And the poor guy is gonna pay for all those hookers, strippers, and druggies every day for the rest of his life.
I don’t hold anything against poz guys, and I hope they find a cure soon. But I do believe that status should be disclosed asap. Don’t we want the spread to stop? A few years ago I got caught up in the moment with a guy and we had unprotected sex. I found out later he was “undetectable ” I was furious and out of my mind with fear. Even though I got caught up in the moment and it would have been as much my fault as his I still think I should have been told. Its no one’s right to risk your life! Thankfully I am still negative but I believe disclosure is a must.
There’s a difference between disclosing and answering a direct question.
Why is it someone’s responsibility to answer a question that hasn’t been asked?
Assuming we’re both honest (yeah, I know) it’s your job to ask. Why put this on the guy who’s poz?
All people with HIV should tell everyone immediately that they are diseased. Also everyone in the world should be tested. If everyone knew about who was diseased and who wasn’t you could stop the spread in it’s tracks. I have been saying this for years. Every person must be responsible in their own way. An infected person has more responsibility than a non-infected human.
All of us gay,straight,bisexual,transgender. Need to always practice safe sex. No matter the asshole. Said he/she allergic to condon. Sex only last minutes or two. But your health is forever.
If you are going on a date with someone, obviously there is enough attraction that you are looking at some point to take it to the next level. I think you should disclose it right away. If you are on a social media site stating you are looking for sex, you should disclose it right away. Omitting it from the conversation or your profile only makes it look like you are trying to hide something.
I think that people who are so defensive about disclosing it have one of two scenarios going on:
1. They contracted HIV through irresponsible sexual behavior and are having difficulty owning up to it themselves.
or…
2. They contracted it through no fault of their own (i.e. a partner was stepping out on them and they didn’t know until it was too late) and haven’t come to terms with their status.
Last thing……I think people would be more likely to disclose their status if there weren’t so many rude, insidious, judgmental people in the gay community.
While an HIV status does not define a person or measure their worth as a human being, those who are HIV positive or undetectable would likely be more forthcoming if they weren’t so afraid of being judged and mistreated.
IF I were positive, I would disclose it up front, first contact. We all know the risks. Nothing is for sure. I was tested mulitple times after years of horrid behavior. I have since quit that horrid behavior. Know your status. I dodged a bullet big time. Now 13+ years with the same great guy.
Wait. Gay men want to be accepted and to marry, but we stomp out our own because we want to sweep it under the carpet. so very sad. I guess all the love and compassion does not exist. God help these poor souls that have so much fear and ignorance with them.
I would like to know upfront about an HIV status….Dont waste my time nor yours till a 3rd fucking date….be upfront and honest. I am poz friendly and dont like being lied to. I am mexican and crazy okay..dont play!!
@30midlife: There was a saying in West Hollywood back pre-pandemic that went like this: “Well, 30 IS mandatory retirement age here…then you retire and move to Silverlake!” Was actually kinda true, unless you had money and/or were a bar owner. Then, the rules changed.
@Ettienne: Your finding my opinions to be repugnant is refreshing…it means I’m not playing on the “PC bandwagon,” which I find repugnant myself. Thanks for pointing out that we ALL own our own health and safety. It’s not the poz guy’s fault if the neg guy just “gets stupid” (usually through use of dope, etc.) That is NOT an excuse, to me. As far as “stigmatization” and all that, it’s all “PC crap” to me. As Ettienne says, I OWN my health, and being “undetectable” means there are less than 12 IU RNA copies in a mL of blood. I’m not buying Gilead’s bought-and-paid-for bullshit about “Poz men on our meds don’t transmit the virus,” either. I have concrete proof that they CAN. Remember…Gilead is making BILLIONS off of poz guys, most of it at taxpayer expense. They’ll do anything to keep that money machine running. “Cure? We don’t NEED no steenking cure! We’re making too much MONEY!”
The right time is when you pull your dick out. I at one time I was held back after having oral sex with this perfect guy. After dating for a months of slow dating because having busy schedules we would meet up every sat and sun to get to know each other. It seemed like it was going somewhere. Though out our ritual of getting to know each other,from heavy petting and hand jobs then finally to a night of oral sex. We were taking slowly through 2 1/2 months he never disclosed his true status. However only after having oral sex. That hurt more than not being upfront with me prior to fooling around. I sent him a dear john letter after. He lost a good trusting guy. Moral of the story be upfront and don’t lie and withhold the truth about your status. Being dishonest will destroy you as a true being from being loved.
Status shd be known B4 the first date n shd be in ur profile END OF DISCUSSION…..I hate,talking w guys over time n finally set a date but usually without fail..I get the I NEED TO TELL U SOMETHING txt….I now right then what s coming…n yup…..BTW I m poz,,,is that ok…..no..no it s not ok…1…don’t like finding out the night b4 I r day of our date and 2 I don’t date poz men…..wish I knew ahead of time.
I really hope Silverfox’s way of thinking is the exception and not the norm! It may be a touchy subject but HIV status is an important one and should be discussed right away. Not everyone is going to write someone off right away based on it, but they should know about it.
So interesting to see people being so adamant about when it should be disclosed taking zero responsibility for asking themselves. We all have our own unique needs. If you don’t have the information you feel entitled to by XX date, then you’re the douchebag for not asking. Or is it just easier to point the finger at someone with a disease?
I’d rather know beforehand.
Im Neg and the reason I got on Truvada was to get more comfortable in dating a poz man. I have no problem dating a poz undetectable man. HOWEVER I do have a problem with barebacking as truvada in my opinion isnt 100% and surely doesnt cover stds.
So when to disclose, I have no problem with it at any phase. I care more about playing safe.
You have to be careful or who you let have this info I have told the wrong person and my personal info was spread all around to people I have never met and lies where told on me I even had people stalk me at work over telling person I was poz so I feel if you protect you sexual partner to not spread it you need to know that this individual is going to be in your life and can truly trust them
Disclose if you are asked.
Disclose when discussing any behavior that could lead to transmission. This means, of course, you actually have an adult discussion with an individual about what your and their expectations are when it comes to sex. That may be a stretch for some.
Diagnosed Poz for 25 years ago galvanized a person. It is each persons responsibility to protect themselves first and foremost. The divide is utterly strange today. I fought for laws protecting gays, I have lived and worked as an openly gay man since 1981 when I graduated high school. I lived a life of servitude to make it better for the coming generation. I fought for HIV meds, laws, protections and education for the general population. I volunteered extensively for the equality of gays and the treatment of AIDS. Yet today, Few young people will even be your friend because they have irrational fears about HIV. I have been with the same partner for 20 years, he remains negative. My life is an open book, if you know me you know I have HIV. Disclosing on a date was not an issue with me… You did not get a date with me without knowing up front.. I do not want to date a coward, if you are not brave enough to love some one despite their HIV status…UGH. And then I cannot count the times I have watched that very cowardly kind hop into a car after drinking feeling so safe. They take risks and lots of them… it’s not about risk, it’s not about protecting themselves, it’s about the feelings of superiority they get from separating those with HIV from those who don’t have it. So snort another line of crack, live your angry delusional life, and isolate yourself from yet another group of people.
I really don’t understand the gay mentality sometimes. I am negative but I would not turn down dating an HIV+ guy who takes care of himself. For many years, like so many, I lived in fear and would not date anyone positive, but then I decided not to live in fear and get educated, it is not 1984 anymore. Just to note, there are other diseases that are now more deadly then HIV!! Hepatitis think about that the next time you stick your tongue up someones ass.
Is it not a better state of mind to know your partners status then to go out with some putz who is too afraid to be tested? I have many friends who are in neg/poz relationships and it is working well.
Ok, on the other end of the spectrum, I have gone out on dates with poz guys and the first thing that does not strike their fancy, they throw down the poz card, Oh I can’t date you because you are negative and that ends that.
Come on guys don’t stick your head in the sand, get educated, we are more evolved then most stop acting like scared children and move on, nuf said
Your “opinion” about Truvada’s efficacy doesn’t matter. FACTS MATTER. Truvada, when used WITHOUT a condom with a poz insertive partner, is ONLY 51% effective in preventing HIV infection when used in a PReP scenario…51%. Hope all those side effects and liver and kidney damage that shit causes is worth it to you. It ain’t for me.
Well, another blog that turned into Poz Vs. Neg.
I agree with MistrFistr to an extent, its everyone’s responsibility to protect themselves whatever way they see fit.
I ask upfront about status, and I don’t date Poz guys, no matter how “undetectable” it is. It doesn’t make me a coward or a jerk, its me protecting MY health. I don’t feel like i’m superior to anyone, I feel like spending my life on meds that make you sick too is not the way to go. And, no amount of PC peer pressure will make me change my opinion on how to manage MY health.
Its funny that we are being told not to kneel to peer pressure as kids but as adults the community pushes those who don’t feel the same out of the group with the same verbal bashing we see out of children, even if the group is trying to push people who are uncomfortable into doing an activity they don’t want to.
We still don’t even know the long term effects of taking Prep on a daily basis yet. And, here we are getting fed more of the Pharma industries crap. The best ways to avoid HIV are not to have risky sex (see: PnP) and to avoid IV drugs.
I am surprised at all the comments here. Am I living in a parallel universe? I live in a large metro area and pretty much BB all the time, unless the other guy wants to use a condom, which is rare. I cant think of the last time anyone even brought up anything about STD’s. It just isn’t part of the conversation, its like such a downer subject that it kind of ruins the mood.
From above:
“wait… guys have three dates now??? what alternative reality does this occur in????”
Mine. I’ve been dating a guy twice a week for several months.
Lunch once a week, and dinner at his house once a week. He disclosed he’s HIV negative….and an exclusive top. I have no preference.I suppose it could work out if I go there. Just a bit slow. Always have been. Wouldn’t care if he’s positive or not. He’s a really nice guy. Treats me well.
I think A4A should strip the site of both HIV status and safe sex practice. It is outdated in the world of TasP and PrEP. Furthermore the HIV test is not a certificate of cleanliness it is a test to see if you are infected and need to b on treatment. The vast majority of forward transmission is occurring from a partner whose last HIV test was negative. Stop and let that sink in for a minute. As a poz undetectable I only BB now. At least 1/2 the guys with hiv neg safe sex only in their profiles
jump at the chance to have BB sex. It is meaningless and give a false sense of security. Each individual needs to take responsibility for their own sexual health and stop relying on others. So A4A strip this site of those meaningless disclosures!
As a poz man for a number of years now, it saddens me to see such segregation within our community. I’ve seen it out and about, I’ve experienced it myself, and I read it here. And, yet, people are still getting infected at alarming rates. Let’s quit living in fear. Let’s quit projecting the stigma. Let’s quit living in ignorance. Let’s quit with the judgements of any kind. Let’s do come together as a community, and work together for once to end this. That power is in our hands, today.
Brilliant idea, you are really wrong. Sadly, the vih+ is you, the one who takes others healthy in its hands. Go safe!
I posted on here the first day this blog post was up, but apparently my comments were not PC enough.
I feel very strongly about disclosing status UP FRONT. There is no excuse to not be honest. I once told a poz guy I wouldn’t play with him (yes, he was undetectable) and I received a good chewing out.
Frankly, this post angered me. Why is this even a question? The gay community wants respect from the rest of society, but the community often behaves irresponsibly.
I’m negative, thank goodness, and have no reason to be concerned. Still, I’m getting tested tomorrow for my peace of mind and the peace of mind of anyone I may date.
I may be old fashioned, but a poz guy is playing with MY LIFE by not revealing his status.
Well, sex can be made pretty safe. I met a dude on the smoking patio Fri. and we chatted for about an hour. Kind of clicked. Locked eyes and we clicked again. For me, he’s a spring chicken…a handsome 66. He disclosed he’s HIV pos.
He invited me over later….and I was with a friend, so we only talked briefly.
Saw him again Sat….he came over and we talked again. Again, I was with a friend, so I only talked briefly.
I hope to see him again next weekend if he drives down from another city. I could deal with dating several dudes…I only see one twice a week for lunch and dinner.(dating doesn’t mean sex to me…it’s a preliminary…getting to know one another).
I could care less if he’s pos. or neg. even if it does develop into a sexual thing. Sex can be made pretty safe. Personality is primary with me…always has been. Handsome is just icing on the cake…and like me, he isn’t into twinks. He wants a realistic relationship. His being HIV positive is secondary to that for me. Irrelevant to me.
I don’t understand what all the fuss is about….just have responsible, protective sex.
I think that Ettiene has a pretty good handle on it, though in him being open and honest to himself and to others, that any partner needs to be the same for his own sake!
Personally, I have always had what is termed “safer” sex my entire life! Having been safe prior to the beginning of the “gay cancer” because there were stds going around back then and pregnancy was always a possibility, I always wore a condom , no matter who I was with. I was a serial relationship type if monogomous guy , and have remained so all my life.
For myself I have always been open and honest. If we met on a chat line, if the conversation was good, then I took the conversation to the point of disclosure, one way or another.
Then depending on how that went, things either progressed to meeting or it ended, or some turned into friendships.
Myself, I don’t care for the wait and see approach, I want to find out asap so I can decide and so he can decide if things could, would, should, or will progress to seeing where things go, or start dating!
And I have always assumed so done I might “meet”, or really meet was HIV poz until proof came in the form of testing over a year or more , so that we both knew where each of us was at in the circle of live.
And, I never rejected anyone for being poz, I did reject for if someone came up poz, they were rejected for non disclosure, or for turning poz when testings had been done and were negative and then turned poz when we were supposed to be
“committed” and time frame proved you a cheater.
And have had relationships end were the friendship was strong enough to survive and there have been those who haven’t.
I do think though that the time has come for every person, of every nation that wants to put an end to this endemic disease, that they each have to take the precautions necessary to put it to a permanent end!
And to those who believe that because they are on meds that keep them alive, over time they lose effacy over time for many!
That just because your viral load is low, or undetectable, it does not mean you can’t pass it!
To those who think PrEP is a safety net, it has not been proven to the nth degree that the virus can not be passed on while taking it, but it does seem to have enough value to really get into trials and into proven by peer research data to back any claim up or prove it false or a placebo.
Because the only thing we do know is, that HIV is a malicious, insidious disease, and it will change on you, it will hide in the deepest regions of our bodies and hide there just waiting for the chance to form out an attack at the immune systems and blow them to smithereens!!!!!
I’ve seen where there are boys and men too, that are out there actively pursuing sex with poz persons so that they can catch the disease, and sigh a great big huge sigh and finally relax and no longer have to be afraid. For them all I can say to them is, I am sorry that our society still looks as sex as dirty, to be behind closed doors, and to anyone who catches an STD, they say, It was your own fault! And again, all I can say is sorry for all the meatheads and numbskulls out there in the world.
This site really needs a moderator. The ignorant uninformed comments are irritating. After reading the ignorance here I will never disclose my status to these prejudicial asswipes. Seriously if u r Going to bother to comment here make sure u know what u are talking about.
MistrFister may sound rude, unfeeling and without compassion to many but he speaks the truth the younger generation needs to hear. Seeing what the AIDS epidemic did to our friends was nothing less than horrific. Undetectable it not virus free. Please help me understand why any gay man under the age of 40 is positive? Yes there are those few that may have broken condoms but the rest…no excuse?
Being 30 is “older?” Really? And as for your HIV status, you need to state that immediately. I don’t know if you know this, but being HIV-positive and not telling a partner is a crime.
Jerry5
Not in California, my status is non of your business. Take responsibility for ur self. It is impossible for a undetectable guy to forward transmit hiv. Get it through ur thick prejudicial heads. There have been 100,000 of person year follow ups in several studies in the last 10 years that have proven this. Show me one case, just one, of a guy on meds forward transmitting hiv. Enough is enough. Get current or shut up.
In some countries it is illegal to knowingly mislead about your hiv status. I would say that not declaring it counts as knowingly misleading somebody therefore
you should state your hiv status immediately