A4A : To Block Or To Respond – Civil Behavior
The Adam4Adam site does not sensor the behavior of its subscribers regarding civility! Some subscribers respond cordially—whether or not they are interested in the person who is inquiring. Other subscribers respond in a caustic, negative way as if insulted that the inquiring party would even suggest a liaison. Sometimes the only response from a negative person is to BLOCK the inquirer’s profile. That brings us to the matter of civil behavior.
Cordiality is part of being human—not an animal! (Are we more sensitive in the way we speak to our pets than we are to humans?) When you are NOT interested in the inquiring profile at least respond politely with 1) “No Thanks;” 2) “I am not interested;” OR 3) “I don’t believe we are a match.” The fact that you are still an anonymous person should not allow you to be rude and insensitive to other persons. Blocking profiles should be applied sparingly as a last resort.
Male sexual behavior encompasses the emotional and physical attraction of one male to another. Our sensitive responses to one another will be part of how we are drawn together. Some liaisons clearly require dominant and submissive partners while other liaisons are mutually balanced and clearly versatile. Don’t spend time seeking compatible partners and fail to notice whether the profile is really compatible with yours. (Don’t expect a potential playmate to suddenly switch from a bottom to a top, or vice versa.)
Offering your first name in your message is a good cordial beginning! This is a friendly approach as you initiate a message to a specific profile that represents a live person with sexual desires! Carefully and thoughtfully read the profiles you are surfing. The way the profile reads may, or may not be a true representation of that person. You will have to exchange several messages before you begin to warm up to each other. Remember, we are human beings not animals or robots! We all have feelings!
David M in Texas
Who cares? I’ve been rejected as many times as I have rejected someone. No response is the best response. There’s no point in chatting with someone you’re no interested in– physically or otherwise.
That may all be but sometime blocking needs to be done so the other guy doesn’t keep pestering you.
A4a should make some auto responder choices, instead of selecting block, user could select a cordial response while at the same time concluding the interaction.
AMEN!!!! Be nice to each other, rather than the stereotypical bitchy queen. And what’s with the guys who say they’ll talk with anybody but yet don’t respond even to say ‘not interested’?
OK don’t take this as I’m attacking you or anyone on here, but being nice doesn’t always work. Case in point, I get multiple msgs from the same tired, boring guys every single day after I POLITELY said no thank you, I’m not looking, or no thanks and yet the keep sending me msgs to the point that I have to get nasty. Blocking doesn’t work cause they just create a new account with a different e mail address & they start the process all over again. Reporting them does nothing either cause it seems as admin doesn’t really care.. Though I’m all for being perstint but there’s a limit that we all have. So here’s some things I think can help anyone and everyone.
1) send only one message. If they are interested they will reply at their convience. Multiple messages get annoying.
2) if you going to stop by a profile, at least say something or the reason why you stop by; hi nice pics, great profile.
3) be honest & state your intentions but not in the first few msgs. Nothing more annoying than getting e mails say hi sexy!!! You looking? Or I’m looking to be at beatdown some azz or I’m looking for NSA or my favorite I wanna bust a but in your azz.
4) everyone is not for you and you’re not for everyone, accept that.
5) act your age and post recent pics.. No one cares what you looked like 10 yrs ago and when you were 200 lbs lighter. Trust me when I say this but I have left people and kicked people out of my house for not looking like their pics.
6) Please know the difference between discreet & discrete. Ignorance is not cute.
7) don’t put things in your profile like only into (insert race) on don’t do (insert race) as a preference. That’s actually called being racist. Also just just cause you go to the gym doesn’t make you a jock (a jock actually plays sports) or having a beard doesn’t make you clean cut either. In other words know the so call stereotypes or labels you trying to use on yourself or others.
8) lastly make your profile and screen name different. Nobody like carbon copies and boy there’s a lot of copies on here.. Like you guys can’t create or write your profile but copy someone else’s.
With all the profiles on here that communicate what they are looking for by being unnecessarily insulting and negative toward what they do not want (“NO” fems, fatties, old, blacks, poz, etc., etc.), versus just clearly describing what they desire, it’s kinda hard to believe this site expects “Cordiality.”
I understand that guys like the type they like, and shouldn’t apologize for it, but if being nasty to everyone else is the way they go about it, how can one really expect even basic civility?
Some motherfuckers don’t take “NO THANK YOU, NOT INTERESTED” as a answer and moved the fuck on. I shouldn’t have to waste my time explaining why a dude is not a match, not what I’m looking for, or someone who is offensive to me! Maybe, Adam4Adam should have a pre-BLOCK preference so I don’t have to block some asshole!!
It is disappointing how uncivil we are to each other. Life is hard enough and you would think those of us who are gay/bi would at least be civil to each other. Great post, wont change behavior as , a##holes will reaming behaving this way.
I use blocking as a way to remind me that the person being blocked is not a match for me, for one or more of many reasons (some of which could be that he indicated that we arent a match or I did). I often tell the person after we have determined that we aren’t a match that Im going to block him for that reason. There is no reason for rudeness but as we all have experienced here and elsewhere, aholes are aholes.
Thank you speaking on such a delicate subject. there is NEVER an excuse for bad manners. AMEN for your thoughts sir!
Appropriate article for the day, at least for me. I have been debating whether or not to wish someone a Happy Anniversary on here. I met him 4 years ago and I fell head over heals in love, I am not available and should not have done that. He continued to look and found what he was looking for. At the time I wanted to wish him well but then he accused me of stalking him. Hey it’s the internet and easy to follow people. I am afraid if I send him well wishes on his 3rd anniversary he will block me or remove his account. Blocking not a big deal but I don’t want him to feel he can’t have an account on here. I will choose for his better good and leave him alone.
i could not agree more. i see it as the person here is the same person in public (unless there is a split personality issue), if he is going to ignore you here, we all know when someone reads the mail, chances are he will do the same in public. this BS answer “if i dont reply, it means im not interested” is such BS in fact its such a monumental amount of bs that if it where water would solve californias drought problem, it shows a lack of social skills, lack of common courtesy and over a total absence of common decency. some say this is to serious, these are the same guys that dont reply unless they want to bed the sender. this behavior is totally acceptable, there is no civil reason for ignoring someone. go ahead, reply with one, i challenge you and see what others think.
me
I am a sincere, honest, loving, caring, and faithful person.
I’ve learned a long time ago if I am not interested in someone is to simply not respond.
I thought I was being “cordial” to someone I was not interested in and I said, “thanks, but I’m not interested” and they wrote back one the most scathing replies. See, first they were interested, but when I rejected them they went mad, so from that point on,I’ve decided not to respond.
The good thing about A4A is that you get to keep your privacy. The settings that let your browse profiles anonymously and the setting that lets you read your messages in your own e-mail client are the best thing ever.
I agree that one should not respond in a mean-spirited way simply because someone you do not find attractive messages you. Most likely the individual did not single out your profile and start jerking off uncontrollably while taking a magnifying glass to every word and detail as many of you cocky-ass, shit-don’t-stink queens probably believe; in actuality they’ve probably cast an extra wide net in which you just so happened to be one of the many fish to become entangled in. So in other words, you ain’t that special.
Another good rule of thumb mentioned above is that blocks should be used sparingly, and certainly do not constitute a response to received messages. It does however send out the message that you are a conceited asshole though. I’ve had my account for around ten years, and I have three people blocked, all of which continued to send the same daily mass message despite me telling them multiple times to “take me of the mailing list” so to speak.
That said, the one I’ll have to disagree with is the issue of non-response being considered rude. Adam4Adam has been around for thirteen years now, and over that time certain unspoken rules have come to be, the non-response meaning not interested being one of them that everyone knows about. I know I’d much rather get no response than some ego-killing “not interested” or “not a match”. Who after hearing their little mailbox chime wants to take the time to go open it only to find that crap? Seems like an inconvenience and a downer should be considered more impolite in my book.
Oh wait, two more things: I know you aren’t asking me to unlock my pics when you haven’t done so. Rude. And for God’s sake, if you are going to pretend you never received my message by leaving it unread despite the fact you are clearly online, erase your trace on my profile you idiot!
I haven’t ever used the block function. Most of the guys who I have problems with bossy or bitchy messages I have been able to bring them to my level of calm. I’ve faced the fact that some guys just want to have their way so a continuation of no I am not interest always seems to work.
I guess I just don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings just as much I would like to stay true to myself.
I applaud this posting – I’ve really been working to be mindful of others feelings and emotions when I’m in an online environment; offline, I am nearly 99% civil and cordial in any given personal interaction – so why should I stop being that way online?
Amen! What’s as annoying is no reply or not even opening a simple hello. Maybe I’m not the norm but not every time I send someone an email am I looking to hook up. Like David said, we are all humans after all.
Amen!
Are you saying I am to be civil by saying no thanks to the dudes from Ghana that send me smiles? Ah, come on! I’d be sending no thank yous all day long!
Depending upon their approach, I will handle it differently.
As someone once said “saying hello online with no face pic is like introducing yourself in public with a bag over your head.”
My face pics are public, and I do state that I expect anyone trying to contact me first should have a visible face pic; either public or unlocked. If they ignore this quest, I just don’t bother responding. If they try again, I block them.
I took some time to write my profile; it’s pretty densely packed with information and my preferences compared to most others; it’s not just my stats and sex position. If someone is polite but still not my type, I will usually acknowledge them, but in a “thanks, but no thanks” way. Happily, most guys “get it” (as do I from other people that feel the same way about me). Sometimes there’s even a friendly conversation with the understanding it’s nothing more.
If a guy just come at me like a disgusting pig (usually they’re just too horny or high to think straight), I’ll usually just ignore them, sometimes block. We’ve nothing in common.
But the moment someone messages me just to say they don’t like me, my pics, my age, my attitude, or the classic “this just a sex site,” I will return with a bloodily vicious message to them telling them to go fuck off (and worse).
Way worse.
The kind of people that would bother to initiate a conversation just to insult the other person (and they are out there) are nothing but trolls or arrogant little bitches that think that only people THEY like should be online. Is responding to them giving them just what they want? Perhaps.
They get treated as the shit they are (and worse).
There is NO reason to even use a hint of civility with these people.
No one should have any apologies for doing so.
Wait, the post was gone, and now it is back. So if keeping the original post, can delete my second one.
I’ve only blocked someone after seeing that they’ve blocked me first. Or there was something in their profile that offended me.
Amen. Thank God someone has the sense to post some rules on etiquette. Part of the negative stereotype that the gay community faces is in the fact that people believe we are a snotty, snobbish community. And from some of the responses I’ve received, I’m ready to believe it myself.
I’m glad this simple essay got posted. In person, if someone approached you at a gathering, you might at least nod and keep moving. But turning the back and outright ignoring is something we hardly do, even if out of fear of inciting bad feelings. We do tend to forget that other humans just like us are trying to meet some need, just as we are. I believe some people use the block button first because they have gotten used to hitting the “cancel” button on pop-up ads as they surf to a desired site. The message they see is not from the person they expected, so they block. Or they assume the other person will be immature about rejection, so they block. A polite refusal always gets a “thanks for being honest” from me, or if I turn them down, I just say, thanks, but no, or tell them I’m flattered but don’t feel the pull. If they get rude, then I block. If not, we sometimes chat socially. Every person we are rude to gets hurt. And that creates pain people get every day, and they come here to see like-minded people. We have to accept that everyone isn’t attractive to everyone else, but we don’t have to accept mean or hateful behavior. Quitr frankly, I wish A4A had a way to see who blocks without at least one reply, habitually, and banish them for a few days. This is a social site, and we need to remember it. Self-respect requires respect for others. You wouldn’t kick your date out of bed for the wrong kind of moan. Don’t blick just because the wrong person said hello.
Spot on, man. The “pre-emptive block” (or worse, the catty cut down *followed immediately* by a block) is really one of the cuntiest things to evolve out of online “dating” apps.
I’m not perfect by any stretch, as I will sometimes give low priority to answering guys I’m not interested in, though “sorry, but I don’t think we’re a match…” is about as polite of a let-down as one will find in the impersonal gay online jungle.
That said, I’m not going to let the “You’ve been blocked…” when I message RandomHotGuy78225 ruin my evening. Whatever his reasons for being douchey probably means he’s not really worth getting to know in person, and he just saved me time and gas money if not more.
I find it a lot easier to just block or ignore guys because a) they don’t read your profiles which clearly outline what you are looking for and b) when I tell them they aren’t my type or not interested, I don’t wanna have to argue or defend myself on the subject matter
getting pissed off about being blocked is an old guy thing to do
I could not agree more, my experience is that we tend to treat each other as though we were disposable. I find the norm is that instead of someone taking the time to thank me for my interest, but saying no thanks, simply ignores what is obviously a complement, and does not respond, which is rude.
This is a wonderful blog, David M!
I have been blocked maybe three times, and it was simply after me saying “Hi, my friend.” lol
I on the other hand usually block if the person blocks me first, just so I do not contact the guy again by accident!
The privilege is definitely abused. However, for the most part, the guys on A4A are very courteous and either
1. not responding at all, which is a clue that the dude is not interested or distracted by another correspondence
2. responds with sorry, you are not my type or something similar to that effect
Both are a good way to be courteous, but just like in the real world… you have those guys here for semi sinister motives:
1. they are voyeur
2. cat-fishing
3. narcissists who want to be admired
4.”professionals” who are too cheap to pay for a “Pro” profile
I’m sure more can be added….lol Overall, A4A gives a great hook-up experience, and cruisers should simply be aware of these pitfalls. Knowledge is power; when you are aware, the pitfalls become an afterthought.
Thanks
How about if your profile clearly states that you are a top and that you will not respond if you don’t have a face pic and then a headless profile messages one time to ask you if you want to bottom. You ignore it because obviously the headless profile either 1) read your profile and didn’t give a damn to respect what you want or 2) didn’t bother to read your profile and hit you up any way seeing if you’d respond. So you don’t respond. Time passes, the headless profile hits you up again asking if you want to bottom. Is this the point where you can put that headless profile on blast and then block? I think so. Some guys need to man up and send a face pic! It’s annoying!
Well said. I am beginning to think this is just a site to show pictures of you’re stuff. I have looked at profiles here and have been blocked and did not even send a smile or a message. I wonder what the percentage is of people that REALLY hook-up here. I tend to think it is low.
and when you are interrogated as to your lack of interest? I tend get those a lot when I say I am not interested. They ask why not, and then they sling insults.
I respond to everybody who sends me a message. lots of times its just to say thanks or not interested. I am ignored 70 % of the time. there are so many unfriendly men on here,its sad that we cannot be civil with each other. like the brothers we should be
I couldn’t possibly respond to every message I get. I would be there all day and they don’t stop coming.
Amen
I think it’s impolite to reply to a hit up unless you are interested. Cordial responses expressing indifference act like obituaries for Desire, and leave a melancholy aftertaste to the optimistic a4a ringtone. I think it’s better to just ignore it.
A lot of the assholes on here won’t even respond at all. Not sure if they are that full of themselves, ill mannered or just that gutless. Very frustrating. I usually block them so I don’t make the mistake of contacting them again.
It’s hard enough dealing with bigoted str8 people.
I wish we could make gay life a little kinder and sweeter
than they do.
So my rule for my own online behavior is to say a simple
“thank you” to every man who contacts me on these sites,
even if his pics or his interests don’t match my goals.
I hate it when guys completely ignore my “hello”s.
For awhile I just deleted my messages to them but
now I’ve decided to block them. They obviously won’t
notice or care but it makes me feel like I have more
care for myself by not tolerating their rudeness.
If A4A cared enough to post this blog, then they should care enough to create polite canned response buttons for reply, such: “Thank you for your interest, but I’m not looking”, or “Thanks, but I’m afraid we’re not a match”.
Easy, yeah?
I’ve responded politely to a couple of guys while rejecting their sexual advances. Even after I stated thats not what I’m looking for, they’ll wait a day or so before they are back in my inbox asking me if I need a good dicking, (as if that’s a turn on). I politely tell them I’m not interested. Then they bombard my inbox until I write them a nasty message & block them.
Amen………
Says who? You?
How about you do it your way, and everyone else does it their way. Why does that not work for you?
I am glad you addressed this. I try to be nice, complement guys-do put ups not put downs…but just because you smile at someone they block you -it is plain rude. It is important to remember that we are the gay community- we are not age-ist, or discriminatory by cock size or top or bottom, weight, height, skin color… we need to be nice to each other because that is what a community does.(and young ones remember we were all your age once and we became old)
David M in Texas,
The purpose of this site is really strictly for hook-ups. Therefor I think most men think with the little head or hole as appropriate to express their desires. With that being said we forget that there is a man on the other side and feelings and more importantly respect is left behind.
I have written and rewrote my profile many times. Trying to avoid bad situations where the block button must be used. It should without a doubt be a last resort and used only when one or the other as clearly is not interested, of disrespect as been shown.
Even a simple smile should be responded to even if your not interested. Not every smile will lead to something but some are shy or your profile gives nothing to respond to. We all look at pics, some of us read. Then again it depends on what your looking for.
Despite the fact there are many men on this site with many difference in what they are into, body styles, age, hairy or anything else that there is, I hope we all deserve respect.
Dave, please keep posting blogs of this nature. I hope it causes dialogue that all can learn from.
Jeffrey87108
Hey 1, 2, or 3 are all acceptable. But also acceptable is a simple non-response. No harm; no foul. Just because you hit guy up does not mean you are owed anything in return, regardless of how wonderful you may think you are. Take the non-response for what it is … a clean and clear “no thanks”.
There is also no requirement that you offer quickly in return your first name, occupation, what part of town you live in, etc. That’ll all come in due time … when appropriate.
Blocking as an immediate means of saying “no thanks” is bullshit.
I dont mind being blocked, but not a few emails into what appears to be “decent conversation” . I will block after being turned down, only so i dont waste time bothering peeps
Most guy on a4a are Aholes with this I don’t like it. After a min of no replying I’ll log out delete try again in a year or two
I just think it’s common courtesy to respond to a message as long as that message was sent with good intentions. Even if an individual is inquiring about having sex, I will politely let them know I’m not looking, but thanks for the compliment. There are times I read a message but don’t have the time to respond, so I will wait until I have more time. If I forget to respond and it gets lost in all the other messages, it would appear to that person that sent me the message that I’m not interested and am just rude by not replying. If you don’t respond to a message, you really cannot complain if the individual sends you another down the road. I much rather someone tell me they aren’t interested than not saying anything at all. IT WOULD BE AWESOME IF A4A CAN COME UP WITH A BUTTON THAT ISN’T A BLOCK, BUT ONE THAT IS MEANT TO FLAG PEOPLE THAT WEREN’T INTERESTED OR DIDN’T RESPOND. IT WOULD BE VERY HELPFUL AND STOP PEOPLE FROM WONDERING WHY THEY GOT BLOCK FOR JUST SAYING HELLO. Just my thoughts.
I put what I am attracted to in my profile in order to eliminate wasting time for us both. However, the game is to send a message anyway just to be annoying. The same goes for when you remove the smile button, people are then going to send you a smiley face :), just to be annoying. So, as I have always said “Just Block Their Ass” and move on.
Ignoring (just not answering) an initial contact message is rude and disrespectful — and thus, its not surprising that the youngest (and most immature) users of the site prefer this approach. If you’re essentially anonymous, why bother with the niceties? (You will learn, grasshopper!)
My personal pet-peeve, tho, is the idiot who clearly hasn’t read my profile and then asks “WHY?” when I reply “thanks for the note, but I don’t think we’d be a good match for each other” — as if I owed him an explanation! THAT is a case for ignoring someone, and if they continue, finally I’ll finally block them.
Suggesting that an initial reply is “being polite” shouldn’t be confused with assuming that a full on conversation is somehow required, or that a “no” needs to be explained (or rationalized).
I certainly get it that some guys here are … persistent — but the misbehavior of a few desperate dudes shouldn’t be used as an excuse to be a dick to everyone else.
Chip in St. Petersburg, FL — AKA: Wrinkle City, or God’s Waiting Room
One more thing, if you respond with “no thanks”, 99% of the time you are going to get a nasty or rude response (ie; you’re too old anyway, small dick, etc.). If those things were a problem, then why did you contact me in the first place. It’s the gay game.
A few times, I have found that somebody has looked at my profile. But when I looked back to see who it was, I discovered that I had already been blocked by them. Before I had a chance to do or say anything.
That seems rude to me, but it could be an indication that he is somebody that I don’t want to know anyway. Maybe he will find satisfaction with somebody else, I suspect that nobody will be “good enough”.
So I block in return so that I never have to see them again. Moving on …
I use block a bit differently. I would definitely use it for someone who was pestering me, but that doesn’t happen hardly. Rather, if I have been having a conversation with someone I felt a connection with but he stops responding, or I’m chatting with someone with intent to meet but he is a flake/isn’t what his profile says/or disregards my efforts, then I block them. Then less time wasted looking at those profiles!
I am not obligated to say anything to anyone. The times I have responded by saying, “I am not interested” they become rude and disrespectful. So I just decided not to say anything. Only time I block someone is if they’re rude to me or if they continue to message me after being ignored or respectfully declined.
Blocking is unnecessary, if you are not a match simply say no thanks, I do chat with lots of guys that are not a partner match but I like to chat which means all guys in here are welcome. I have been blocked just for saying “hi”. If for some reason some one seems to be getting the wrong message I let them know or if I feel I have offended some one I apologized. I have been on Adams for over 7 years and have not blocked any one.
I don’t understand the assholes who respond to a smile with a message like this one I received, “I think I just threw up in my mouth.” And then immediately blocked me. All I did was send a smile, and did I mention this tool didn’t even have a public picture? I don’t understand why people respond with rudeness.
I always check someone’s profile (both photos–if any, and written text) before I contact someone. Probably 90% of the time I’m ignored. It’s not unusual for some portion of the guys who DO respond to claim some point of mis-match they didn’t bother to include in their profile. I NEVER contact anyone who has mentioned anything in their profile that tells me I’m not a match. Rather than make some kind of arbitrary claim, why not be a little more forthcoming about some of the common hot buttons of m/m contact–sexual position, H/W expectations, age preferences, etc. The result would be fewer (I didn’t say NO) unwanted contacts and extending the courtesy of helping other people not waste time and effort saying hello only to be “slapped down” or (ignored) on the basis of some issue that wasn’t openly disclosed in the first place in the profile.
You don’t owe anything to an anonymous stranger who says an uninvited “sup” to you from behind locked pics. This is ludicrous. And comparing it to how you’d interact in person is ridiculous. Online isn’t in person. Saying “sup” followed by “how are you” then further followed by ” so what’s going on” is normal in person but tedious, pointless and annoying online. Huge waste of time and a total turnoff.
As with so many things in life, the biggest complainers are so often the biggest offenders. That is, I’m betting these whiners complaining about the hot guy that wouldn’t give a polite “no thank you” themselves don’t extend that gesture to the trolls contacting them. Jung said it best, the traits that bother us in others are those negative qualities we harbor ourselves.
If lack of “finishing school” etiquette on an anonymous gay hookup board really ruffles your feathers, it’s probably time to ask your mirror some hard questions. As in, consider growing a pair and learn to live in the world.
As is so often the case in the whine fests on this blog, much ado about nothing.
Honestly, I don’t block people unless I have a bad interaction or they are highly persistent after rejection.
Whether or not I am interested, I try to respond to everyone.
Although, if there are only one word responses then I just stop replying.
I have it stated on my profile. If not interested, a simple No Thanks will suffice. Don’t be a douche.
Some people don’t understand, “Sorry you’re not my type”.
I’ve been called a fatass, a racial slur or some other insult cause I only responded with that they weren’t my type. There’s a lot of abusive users on here. And sometimes the blocks are necessary.
If I’m not interested I don’t respond. I personally think that it’s the least harsh. Besides, someone I’m not interested in today may be more interesting to me on another day depending on who or what activity I’m looking for. I only block someone who becomes demanding or otherwise annoying. In the 6 years I’ve been on this site I think I’ve blocked maybe three or four people.
I try to always respond, even if it is “thank you, but I don’t think we’re a good match”. Like Brian, i sometimes use blocking to indicate that I have spoken to the guy and either he or I decided that there isn’t a match. I mean I don’t want to text the guy again and pester him, and frankly there are too many guys to keep track of in my head. Still blocking seems rude and so final. I wish there was a NOT INTERESTED flag that would mark (or better yet hide) the person, but would still allow the person to re contact you at a later date. For example, I joined A4A over two years ago when I broke up with my ex. At that time I was very blue, negative and out of shape. I’ve since lost 70 pounds and turned my life and attitude around. I’m sure I was blocked by some guys back then who might be very interested in talking with me today. :-).
I use the block feature if the person does not respond to my initial greeting, that way I won’t bother them again. I give them at least a day to respond and make sure they read my message. I also use it when someone sends me a message that clearly isn’t what I’m looking for and never bothered to read my profile or they have insulted me. Those are the only times I use the feature. Otherwise, I always respond and tell them the truth. The internet has hit the bar scene particularly hard. I can remember when you went to a bar to meet people and hook up if lucky. Now it’s all over the internet and often times, it’s anonymous sex. Yes, I’m guilty of that. I do prefer to meet in a public place since the majority of the profiles are filled with inaccurate stats. Always add 2″ to the cock size and deduct 10 years and 30 pounds.
Love how people can’t read or can’t understand this post. He says blocking should be used as a last resort, meaning if someone keeps emailing you or send angry messages to you so idk why people keep using those examples as reasons why this is a “crazy” concept. Also though I agree with this post it is falling of deaf ears on most of these guys because they do not realize electronic communication is reall communication, so someone saying hello on here is just like someone saying hello in person. You wouldn’t just ignore some in person so you shouldn’t do it online. It takes less than 30 seconds to say no thanks and if the person keeps messaging you THEN you can block because now it would be considered pestering.
Frankly, my profile states that I do not block. Exceptions are freaks and harassing dudes. Like my ex when he’s drunk. I find ” thanks, but not my type” is good. Generally I check out a dude’s profile and pics before responding (or not). Where I live is like a small town. Only around 1.5M people and six gay bars on the island I live on. Rude comes back at you. You never know who might be your next boss or at the same fund raiser. Or pissing next to you at the multiplex.
1. I used to be offended if I was blocked by somebody. It felt like a brick being hurled at me. I got over it. Firstly, the guys who do that at a moment’s notice are brittle and insecure and I don’t wanna chill with such people. 2. I’ve never blocked anyone because they pester me many times after I’ve said “no”. That kind of behavior is a bit sad and I don’t to add to their sadness. I just repeat ‘no thanks’ a zillion times. Yes, it gets boring but it’s better than hurting somebody who’s probably hurt enough already. 3. I’ve taken to using the block to alert ME not another person that they’re not interested in me because that reminds me months later not to contact them (when I might have forgotten their rejection so many months before).
Crankyd…you are spot on. Well said.
You try to be nice and say things like Sorry that’s not my preference. Then they go ape shit because gay people are shallow self absorbed and think they all that. Blk people especially, I don’t do blk guys but they get so offended when that thug style wont get them laid A4A needs a block all Black and Asian button…so tired of ignorant people who can’t deal with defeat and rejection…guess them participation awards hurt more than they helped…eh? blunt honest truth…
Block, Block, Block…all day long
Block, Block, Block…while I sing this song
Obviously this isn’t Match or one of those dating website, where things are much different and the options better targeted. Here you need to weed through the options.
As a long time member I’ve used the proper approach of kindness and civility, but that doesn’t mean that me, as the holder of my profile still have the prerogative of blocking someone off the start to avoid fruitless inquiries.
I’ve been approached multiple times by the same persons with the same decades old picture(s), not really appealing and with the intent of hooking up (Don’t think we’re a good match, thank you.)
Sometimes kindness open a (very expired) can of worms because some users feel the sense of entitlement and obligation from you explaining why you think they’re not a match with you. If I had the time to waste I wouldn’t probably be polite, so I rather delete the email and block you than repeating myself over and over again with the ‘I don’t think we’re a good match, thank you.’
Avoid being rejected (and again) by moving along, if memory isn’t your best attribute make a list, or better yet, a digital scrapbook should you like, with the screen shots (CTRL+print screen on the PC or Shift+Command+3 on the Mac) of people that politely declined your advances. Don’t get hammered and come online again to hit on the same people that declined your advances when you were sober cause unlike the real world, your picture or stats aren’t going to look better to everyone when you’re under the influence.
I was blocked today for asking when the last time he got laid. I know it’s a personal question, but this was after we had both expressed interested and first names and I wanted to get an idea of how often he hooks up. I’ve been with less than 10 guys total myself, so it feels shitty to be misjudged so quickly as if I’m a slut based on the terminology I use.
Some people >.< Thanks for letting me vent! 🙂
I agree to block somebody if there rude and offensive . I had one guy talk to me in a stalking irrational behavior. Told me its none of business if he wants to commit succide I hit the reported button.
Also another guy wont get the hint not interested.
What about people who read your blog and dont respect boundry issues and your request. The only answer is block.
I know this is a sex line but not everybody looking for that either.
Not responding is RUDE. Blocking someone without a response is the worst of queenie drama. Saying “I’m not interested” is a courtesy and sure if the person does not go away, block him.
I will block when either rejected, ignored, or treated poorly. I do not want to waste my precious time.
But much MORE than that are NO SHOWS. Just had one yesterday! I was able to find his address on here and REALLY read him the riot act! WTF are these guys thinking? This is just fun and games? What BS!!!
I think there’s great points being made by both the author of the blog and by most of the comments here. We learn in life that life’s not fair, even the hottest of the hot get rejected it’s a part of life. At the end of the day you have to do what’s in your best interest. That may sound callous and selfish but we’re not talking about nuns in a convent here.
I know I’m not everyone’s type so I’m not going to message someone far out of my league, what I mean by that, is at my age chasing twinks or gym rats isn’t a priority anymore now that I’m into my 30s. Being the center of attention isn’t my cup of tea and let’s be honest a lot of guys here fish for compliments and even if they’re interested in you as well they’re most likely too busy for you. The hotter they are the more friends they have and more likely that they’ll forget about you as soon as the next new hottie comes along. It’s just like a shiny object, these guys are distracted easily. They’re all practically the same: the ones who hangout at clubs and bars all the time with their “bitches” (female friends…and there’s no short supply of them either) it’s too much work especially for a hookup.
And why are the ones in your town/city the hardest to meet? They message you and talk a good game the first time you talk but they’re never available after that. Meanwhile guys 50 miles away are willing to waste gas and money to meet me at the drop of a hat but the guy less than a mile away? “you’re too far” lol k, why did you message me then? It’s not just here but other sites and apps have the same problems.
Oh and while I’m on a roll here I may as well point out that some gays need a “gay education” or some kind of online class. One guy here wouldn’t meet me because I told him I was versatile and here’s the kicker, on his profile he claims to be VERSATILE! And he’s not the only one who’s done that to me. Do some guys not know what that word means? For those of you who don’t it means you can go either way with someone it doesn’t mean you want to top and bottom in the same session unless of course you find someone else who’s versatile but the word versatile seems to scare bottoms away for some reason and they have the nerve to call themselves “vers btm” lol ok if you haven’t topped since Clinton was President than you’re a bottom stop it already. I think some have a genuine fear of being labeled a bottom.
My last gripe would be the guys who are “discreet” ok, your family and friends are not lurking on gay hookup sites. You can chill out and unpack your bags and stay a while. And if by some miracle you do run into a friend than wow, you two might be able to get something going or if you run into family than hey, someone else to relate to and go bar hopping with. It’s not a bad thing. Quit making it harder on yourself. Chances are everyone in your life suspects that you’re gay anyway if you’re past a certain age and have no kids and never been married. You’re not fooling anyone no matter how much “swag” you think you have.
Those are the biggest problems, not the block and rejection part. I think all gay “dating” (lol) sites and apps should require you to pass a multiple choice test to join. Question number 1. “What does it mean to be versatile” that would limit the amount of morons right off the bat. You have to get all questions right. Make being gay like driving a car let them earn it. Older gays help the young pups I’m tired of doing it alone.
The amount of ‘who cares/I don’t see the problem here’ answers just proves this post to be accurate, how the fudge is spending 10 seconds typing ‘no thanks’ (or any other answer) a waste of time? is your schedule so tight you have every second of the 24 hours timed? then you shouldn’t even be online! There’s near to no reason to be so rude, even if it’s an anonymous system.
I think instead of blocking there should be some other option like an automatic response or a warning, and leave blocking to the admins via reports (since apparently block = personal ban for a lot of users)
1. I think it is fine not to respond if you are not interested. If you can’t handle not getting a reply then this isn’t the site for you. Personally I really don’t need a sorry from anyone.
2. If you get a boring patch then it’s fun to send smiles to the guys that threaten to block you if you send them a smile (and they aren’t smart enough to disable the button in settings). You usually get a venomous message and a block before you can respond. Be glad that you won’t ever have to meet them 🙂
3. In my book the worst etiquette is to lead someone on with messages showing an interest and maybe even arrange a meeting and then ignore them and their subsequent messages. If you change your mind then have the balls to tell them. Then they can get busy with finding someone else rather than wasting time wondering what happened and whether it is still on or not.
I don’t have a problem with blocking someone if they’re pestering you. One time someone blocked me AFTER he looked at my profile. I thought..”hummm, guess he didn’t like what he saw.” Maybe he thought I would pursue him since he looked at my profile. So I blocked him..tit for tat !! That being said, be nice, be pleasant. You get more flies with honey than vinegar. And we all like compliments, they’re not always meant as a come on.
If someone doesn’t read my profile that I’ve taken the time and effort to personalize, I see it as a sign off disrespect. I see no reason to waste words on the illiterate. It’s like trying to give meat to someone who clearly states they they’re vegetarian.
Why should I be kind to someone who doesn’t respect my wishes when they’re so plainly written out?
As far as saying no thanks on the first message, that seems even douchier and more judgemental then not answering at all. Theocratically, you don’t know the person and you’re already turning them down? And you went out of your way to turn them down, too. Who wouldn’t ask why? That’s not fair and all that. It’s just easier to not respond … You don’t have to acknowledge everyone in person … you definitely don’t here when I have a say in the matter.
I usually say hello if I’m not interested. Not always. One day recently a guy sent me a message…short…simple…”I’m so and so blah blah blah”. I had to run off to work and forgot to log off A4A…his next message, before immediately blocking me, was this:
“sorry to see that my nice email didn’t even receive some sort of reply. while i realize this vile site is what it is, try have the manners, class, and courtesy to reply when someone, especially of my excellent station and breeding decides to go slumming and write to someone such as yourself. you’re not special, nor truly attractive and need to keep that in mind when not only placing your ridiculous profile but also thinking too highly of your vapid self. good luck contracting hiv – i’m certain you’ll have great success.”
Nice, huh?
Just a couple days ago, I messaged a guy and said “Hey, nice pics! You’re hot!” and he wrote back “U ain’t.” And he blocked me so I couldn’t write back how needlessly hurtful that was. Sometimes these sites really bring out the worst in people.
I used to reply to every message I got, now I don’t.
All too often, “No thanks” or “Sorry but I’m not interested,” is met with a response of “why not?” or worse yet, something rude like “That’s ok, you’re ugly anyway” (so why did you message me again??).
Now, if I have the time, and the initial message was courteous I will often respond. But I don’t stress about it if I’m busy. If I don’t respond, that should be a clue that I’m not interested. I don’t owe you a response or an explanation.
If it makes me rude to have better things to do with my time than get cussed out by some asshole who thinks I’m “superficial” because I responded “no thanks” when someone 40 years my senior and 200 lbs heavier than me sends me a dirty message, than I’m ok with being “rude.”
I’d say half or more of the message I send don’t get replies. I’m an adult, I suck it up and go on with my life. People get way to worked up over it. Rejection is part of life. Get over it.
“electronic communication is reall communication, so someone saying hello on here is just like someone saying hello in person”
I disagree completely. I’ve never had a stranger, older than my grandparents, walk up to me in person and ask to suck my dick. Happens all the time on here. Electronic communication is NOT the same as in person communication.
I abhor when ppl tell me how to act. “Treat others how you might wanna be treated.”
That’s it for me. These kinds of things remind me of the ’50s articles you read about how to appropriately interact. For one, not everyone is going to agree on the same interpretation. Next, this sort of strips the spontaneity and individuality out of interacting with others. Trying to create a standard for human behavior is extremely damaging to other people, mainly those who don’t want to do it.
I thought that being gay was about being alternative and paving your own way through life. Some people are jerks. Others are not. Some people do things their own way. Others follow the crowd.
Boo this article.
I think its important to remember to (re)act like you are standing right in front of the person who (for whatever reason)is being kind enough and daring enough to try and communicate with a complete stranger. Everyone comes to this site for a myriad of reasons, Im sure none of those reasons are to be treated rudely, inconsiderately, to be bullied, or body shamed. Take the high road and respond with kindness and instead of pissing off someone your not attracted to, you just might get a recommendation from that person to someone who is attracted to you. Im often on A4A at the same time as my friends and have (multiple times)referred a “smile” to another of my friends (often to their delight) or shared with those same friends a negative that has shut down a potential hook-up. Your actions speak louder then your words and does create a domino effect, just be kind and polite.
I don’t respond when I’m not interested.I will view there profile first.If I don’t like it for what ever reason.I won’t open the message.Delete the trace and do not open the message.Then they won’t be sure if you ignored them or not.But I will always respond to any compliments with a simple thank you to anyone even if I’m not interested in them.They give a kind gesture.Take the time to at least say thank you.Now I won’t block anyone unless they get rude with me or stand me up.I will only report some for threats and not stating there H.I.V status.Peace out:)
I’ve been blocked my people I’ve never contacted or had any remote interest in. I never block anyone. If I’m not interested I say so and if they keep messaging I just delete the message without opening it. They usually get it after that. At any rate, why should anywhere care if a stranger they never met blocked them.
I agree that we must be civil towards one another, BUT, in my experience with pretty much ALL social apps…..maybe 15% of guys actually read profiles before contacting a person. I wonder what the ratio is of those who reach out first, and take chances are concerning how civil they are in their initial messages.
I also I think the “Block” button is one of the best things about social media. Again, maybe 15% of guys actually respect “I’m not interested”……many seem to think if they try again the following week or month, somehow, one might change their mind and preferences.
The internet really brings out the worst in us, we hide behind the keyboard. At the same time it allows us to “meet” people who would otherwise be too far away, that is a positive. I continue to believe that being nice pays off at the end. Don’t do things on the internet that you would not do in person. The only people I have blocked are the ones that I know for SURE that they are not who they say they are, who have stolen pictures, whose pictures are clearly not matching their profile. People whose games are so blatant that they cannot be tolerated.
I’ve come to the point where id rather block those I know I’m not compatible. That saves Tim, energy and hurt feelings. No I dont always respond but I will at least say thank you. My problem is I’m only attracted to those I know wont be interested and the ones who want me aren’t at all attractive to me. Dont be rude. Say thank you to a compliment.
I think the problem with being civil is usually the result. Normally I’m met quite a bit with profiles that say “if not interested, just say so, it doesn’t hurt.” Yet you either get:
A) People who obviously don’t read your response and continue to message you after you say “no thanks,” or delete their messages and try it again to where it becomes a cycle.
B) People who inquire as to why you’re interested, forcing you to either be completely blunt, lie about it, or go somewhere in the middle, which I don’t like having to tell people why I’m not interested, period.
Or C) People who get upset and start saying rude things to you simply because you’re not interested.
Not to mention, I’m the type that’ll generally put a good idea of what I look for in profiles (if space allows it), and I’ll get people many times that’ll simply ignore my profile and send me a message.
My philosophy is that it’s better to ignore messages if you’re not interested than it is to respond, especially in that case. If you couldn’t take the time to read through my profile before you sent me a message, at that point KNOWING that you’re not what I’m looking for, then why should I take the time to respond to your message?
It may seem rude, but when I try to nicely say I’m not looking for something and you message me anyways (hookups being the biggest one), then you’re being just as rude.
I don’t always respond to people, because sometimes I’m just busy at the moment and see the message but can’t respond. If they continue with messages about how they saw I read their message and didn’t respond, they go on block. I’m not living for A4A, and real people worth any salt have the common sense to know that no response may just be because someone is busy. Send me another message in 6 hours or so and I’d understand. Hound me immediately and write message after message? You’re a thirsty ho going on ignore.
Just today I blocked someone. I sent a very neutral message (get back if interested) and his response was “fuck off”. The ironic thing is this upstanding citizen had “be respectful” in his profile. I guess it was my fault that I treated a person over 18 like an adult.
Cute! So it seems to be the writer’s first day on a4a. Once you’ve been here a week or so, you’ll learn that politely declining more often than not results in someone completely losing their mind on you. Sometimes to the point of credible threats of physical violence. And yes, I do mean politely declining.
Or just maybe the writer should refrain from telling us how to interact.
The Internet is making people socially retarded.
Pathetic.. Each response here is as self serving and pathetic as the next. The topic is good but the responses are as pathetic as watching a daycare show and tell. Hopefully you can find your responses five years from now and see how pathetic you were and can rejoice in your growth. Keep it in perspective it’s a picture people falling in love/lust with a picture is about as insane as falling in love with the statue of David…are you seriously talking about how and why you block or your blocking episodes??? Complaining about being blocked and then justifying your blocking techniques is about as crazy as saying “At least when I spit in someone’s face I smile…”
‘Nuff Said…
There is one type of profile that I definitely block all the time: The fake ones made to look like real guys but are actually just advertising a gay dating site. It’s always a hot guy with a profile saying he’s got more pics on another site. I’m not sure if Adam4adam is even aware of this or it’s part of the DL advertising scheme that they get paid for, just like some of the posts on this blog promoting porn sites or underwear brands.
Two comments:
1) I generally don’t respond if I’m not interested. My reason for this is as follows: By initiation conversation, I’m necessarily opening a dialogue, and I don’t want to get into an argument or have to justify why I’m not interested in someone. I also don’t want to be called racist, ageist, sizeist, elitist, etc.
2) I generally don’t block people who message me unless they really, really don’t get the hint. I do, however, block people whom I repeatedly see and don’t want to see. A good example is a guy whose colon could been seen in his profile picture. Some peoples’ profiles just rub me the wrong way, and I block them too. I do wish a4a would completely remove blocked profiles from my view and my profile from blocked peoples’ view.
If you express that you’re not interested, and the person continues to hound you, then blocking them is warranted. I think it’s incredibly rude to block otherwise.
Even if you’re not religious, “do unto others” is the general rule of thumb because the day will come that you too will be stunned by the cold shoulder of the guy you thought was so hot or perfect. I know many people in life that irritate me upon sight but I would not treat them as anything less than human. Ignoring someone is never an issue because I have enough education in the English language to formulate my precise thoughts or convictions to another person on a number of levels. One of my staples is the current population of a4a users and the assurance that I am not the final guy on the site if things turn sour.
Okay, first, on this topic, then I’ll address the ignorance I saw after.
I personally try to say that I’m not interested or at least kind of hint in my messages that I’m not interested sexually or want anything more than friends if it gets that far (you can’t be friends with everyone especially when you find out their ignorance on certain thoughts and topics).
Now for the ignorance which was provided by Will earlier!
“You try to be nice and say things like Sorry that’s not my preference. Then they go ape shit because gay people are shallow self absorbed and think they all that. Blk people especially, I don’t do blk guys but **they get so offended when that thug style wont get them laid** A4A needs a block all Black and Asian button…so tired of ignorant people who can’t deal with defeat and rejection…guess them participation awards hurt more than they helped…eh? blunt honest truth…”
THIS IS ONE OF THE BIGGEST LOAD OF BULLSHIT I’VE SEEN, and I’ve seen some pretty prejudiced shit in my life.
1) A4A DOES NOT NEED A BLOCK ___ RACE BUTTON. That is prejudiced/racist. I would say Will is more on the racist side since he is unapologetic about stereotyping EVERY Black or Asian person. The few DO NOT represent the many. I am black and I sure as hell do not have “thug style” and the fact that you assume the stereotype you might’ve seen in most interracial or “Ebony” porn is the norm and the “truth” is absolutely laughable. If you somehow, even with your bullshit, have black friends (which you will no doubt use as a qualifier to excuse your prejudice) and they ALL act like thugs, you really don’t know much about any of them or you attract what you are. Please have several seats with the sweeping generalization which you DID make that all black people are thugs and self-absorbed. I don’t expect anything from you and don’t think you owe me a damn thing.
2) They are probably offended because stating “NOT INTO ___ RACE” IS OFFENSIVE. I would ask why but you’ve already provided it and the reaso. It is offensive is the reasoning is always based on stereotypes and prejudice. Every black person is not the same and one black guy does not speak for all of us. I speak for myself. We are not a hive mind.
3) The fact that people even feel the need to bring up race in their profile just based on some people in one ethnicity is prejudiced/racist. You could do what others mentioned earlier, which is ignoring that person and moving on. You could leave race out of it all together but since you need to bring it up because “omg 2 many black and asian msgs wtf” is IGNORANT.
4) IT IS NOT JUST A PREFERENCE. And no, not being into women does not make you sexist and it’s not the same thing (the most idiotic fallacy) because White, black, Asian and other men of color have something Cisgender women don’t. A PENIS. When you tell people to get over it, you are blatantly announcing your ignorance and defending it because you don’t want to explain why you feel that way. You don’t want to because you don’t want to be lumped into the group that is the KKK, those who took part in apartheids and the genocide of people based on their heritage and background. You are not. But still, you cry “omg stop using the race card! Stop racebaiting! HERP HERP.” Not killing or being physically violent to a person of color based on race doesn’t mean you aren’t prejudiced or racist. I’ve has prejudiced moments myself. But you know what I did? I humbled myself!! And if I offended someone, I APOLOGIZED LIKE A HUMAN BEING.
5) So you’re telling me of you have an amazing conversation with someone who does not “look” like ___ race and you get attracted to them and go on dates…if they said “I’m part __,” you would suddenly be turned off? THAT IS WHY racial “preferences” are racist. You can defend it all you want, but the biggest problem is if it is a preference, it means you lean towards A, but won’t completely exclude B.
Also if anyone would like to bring up the “hug box” vitriol, I’m fine with a hug box it means leaving ignorant folks behind in their hate crates.
Jesus Christ How Fucking ridiculous. There are no rules that say you must acknowledge a “thank you’ or A “YOU’RE hot”!!! shut THE FUCK UP! I’ve have rejected just as many as being rejected! I don’t want a guy I liked to say, “sorry you’re just not my type| just say nothing. It makes you feel even crappier. I am not obligated to respond to anyone i chose not to, this is not being rude or DISCOURTIOUS! AND please WHY THE FUCK CANT YOU GUYS CHOOSE one fucking category. YOU’RE NOT LOOKING FOR A BLOWJOB, A FRIEND AND A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP AND A TENNIS BUD! Bye Felicia!
I don’t mind so much a no response. The two biggest things that really get me kind of pissed. First one is the guy of any age that can’t handle a compliment. I have complimented men on their body and get nasty comments because I am not their type and block me. The second one is being in the middle of a conversation and then get blocked. What is that?
Then of course I block them. I block the men that I aren’t a match. I block profiles with a picture of nasty ass hole looking at me. Men that don’t respond. Men that can’t take a hint. Men that can’t understand what my profile says. Men that want money.
That leaves a small list of men to talk to that you are attracted to. But that’s the way it is so I just deal with it. No point in getting all workd up over it.
What ticks me off is when i get hit up. The same question, what am i into,,, WTF. If you read my profile you will know. And they get mad as i said no thanks because they’re out of my age range and i said its in my profile. Or they ask me if i can host and in my profile it say i cant And this is after we chat for about 30. mins. And another thing. When is it ok to have a picture of your dick on your profile and nothing else? Is there no shame having that on there? Who will want to go out with you thinking a lot of people would want to see the first picture of you. I think there is something wrong with you doing that.
Hey binmi, i bet you’re one of many who didn’t read their profile when they said they are only interested in certain preference {ie, age range, etc…) after a while i think it gets annoying. I for one will deal with that but i think i wouldn’t respond like that though.
Oh and another thing. What’s with people who chat with you and then disappears. Hello?
Strange that, for an article about civility, there are so many vile, negative comments in said articles comment section. It seems many people who have commented want things only their way, like they own A4A or something. No one is making any of us have a profile here. Vanity is often a sign of insecurity.
This is so stupid! Grow up guys! Who cares if a guy doesn’t respond to your message? Take the hint that isn’t interested and move on already instead of getting butthurt over it. I told one guy on a4a that I wasn’t interested and he still got offended and called me a “half breed bitch” then blocked me! What a pussy. Anyway if a guy chooses not to respond to your message… it is right to do so. Get over it
People actually message each other on here? I’ve been on a4a for 3 years and thought it was just for gay news articles and comments.
I block also on certain guys who are way not attractive but keep leaving trace almost every other day. What’s that about.
It is disheartening to get blocked even for just viewing a person’s profile. Granted, I am not a hunk by anyone’s judgement, but blocking for just looking must mean i am absolutely hideous.